- 5 hours ago
Gogglebox Season 27 Episode 16
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
00:02Oh, Barcelona!
00:05No, I don't like that this guy's trying to tell me how to eat my dinner.
00:08A what?
00:09Fault fetish!
00:10I had no idea that was a thing.
00:12Remove my britches.
00:13Expose your loins.
00:14I like that.
00:15Oh, Ronnie!
00:19This is weird.
00:20He's a mercenary bugger, isn't he?
00:22This is why I don't eat.
00:23His heart is dicing with the devil.
00:24Oh, no.
00:25He suffers for his heart, doesn't he?
00:27Clearly.
00:27A Bentley Continental!
00:30I think I'd rather call it a day, Natalie, wouldn't you?
00:32Who's been arrested now, and for what?
00:36In the week the BBC announced a new presenting trio on Strictly,
00:41we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:44A blast from the past from Down Under was doing her thing on Eurovision.
00:53I mean, for Australia, having Delta Goodrum in here,
00:56you know, this is like us putting Adele up.
00:59Why don't we put Adele up?
01:00Because she wouldn't be seen dead at Eurovision, so...
01:03It is shite!
01:04LAUGHTER
01:06We finally got to see who was first past the post on BBC One.
01:10He's signing no relief.
01:12I'm fine if you won the race.
01:13I'm 20,000.
01:15Imagine taking your dad and race across the world.
01:18Sorry.
01:18I mean, you find him first.
01:20My dad's probably racing across the world.
01:22He's been racing across the world since 1983.
01:24LAUGHTER
01:26And there was no escape for dodgy drivers on Channel 5.
01:30Overflow now!
01:31Here's what it is, isn't it?
01:32We find them, we lock them up.
01:33If I ever got pulled over, I wish I would hope to be there.
01:37I think I'd be stunned.
01:39Like a hamster when they see light.
01:42I think it's normally deers.
01:45Not hamsters.
01:55In Wiltshire...
01:56I've been starting to tackle my man cave, Mary.
01:59And?
02:00And all the stuff from my mother's house.
02:02This is called Family 45 Records.
02:05Giles and his wife, Mary.
02:08That's the most annoying record of all time, Nutty.
02:10What's that?
02:11Manhattan Transfer, Chanson d'amour.
02:14Oh, dreadful.
02:15Let's sing it.
02:15Rat-ti-tat-ti-ta.
02:16No.
02:17Rat-ti-tat-ti-ta, Mary.
02:18No, no.
02:19It's the most awful record ever.
02:20Chanson d'amour.
02:22Stop it.
02:23Rat-ti-tat-ti-ta.
02:25Right.
02:25Do you remember it, Mary?
02:26Yeah, I do. I hated it.
02:27How's that come back into our lives?
02:29On Saturday night, the BBC was live from Vienna
02:32for the biggest song contest of the year.
02:35Yeah, Polly, this is your first ever.
02:36You're originally watching it.
02:37Ha!
02:38Ha!
02:41I don't know why we need so many bloody flags, though.
02:43Well, it's all the countries, isn't it?
02:44I know, but I'm not arsed about all the others.
02:46It's the UK.
02:48Ha!
02:49It's just the UK.
02:51Yeah.
02:54Do you know you're as old as the Eurovision Song Contest?
02:58Am I?
02:5970 years old, it is.
03:01God bloody hell.
03:03I'm glad I can't remember the first one.
03:05It's bad enough having to sit through this one.
03:07Ha!
03:09After some stiff competition, it was the UK's chance to shine.
03:13There he is!
03:14Look, Mom, no computer.
03:16Look, Mom, no computer.
03:17Look, Mom, no computer.
03:18Has he got a name, or is he Look, Mom, no computer?
03:21I'm sure he's got a real name.
03:22I don't think he was, like, born that, and that's not on his birth certificate.
03:24Come on, look, Mom, no computer.
03:27Eins, zwei, drei.
03:28Look, Mom, no computer.
03:30Eins, zwei, drei.
03:31Look, Mom, no computer.
03:31Eins, zwei, drei.
03:31This is supposed to be really crazy.
03:33It is.
03:34Avid.
03:34It's good.
03:47Oh, we've lost.
03:49Yeah, we've lost.
03:51Put that away for another year.
03:53The office cubicle has trapped me again.
03:56Am I a mouse in a cage of mine?
03:59What the hell?
04:00Ah!
04:01God, for the UK act, this has gone very Eurovision, this has.
04:05If only there was a language that I could count it.
04:08It looks like if the two Jedward brothers were one.
04:13Yes!
04:14High five, drag, darling, I need something so dead.
04:18High five, drag, with...
04:20I'm quite into it.
04:22High five, drag.
04:23I think this is a bit avant-garde for me, Mary.
04:26High five, drag, with a slice of pepperoni!
04:30With a slice of pepperoni!
04:32With a slice of pepperoni!
04:34With a slice of pepperoni!
04:37No.
04:37No.
04:38I'm going back to life.
04:40High five, drag!
04:41I don't know what's going on here.
04:45I think it might be me.
04:47Am I too old for this?
04:48I think it might be me.
05:07I don't know what it is!
05:13I think it might be me.
05:15I'll do it.
05:15I think it might be me.
05:16I think it might be me.
05:16I think it might be me.
05:22I don't think he's saying I spy.
05:30I think we've nailed it this year, Julie, suppose we've got.
05:32I can hear the phone lines buzzing in for this.
05:3512 points everywhere.
05:38Honestly, if I had unlimited minutes on my phone,
05:40I'd be ringing up to vote for this.
05:41You have.
05:43Oh.
05:44Matt is flat.
05:48Enough London.
05:49I'm really nervous.
05:51My friend's organising this thing where we're meeting a whole bunch of new people.
05:55And I'm a bit nervous.
05:56I've got social anxiety.
05:57And, like, so I want to debut, like, a new laugh.
06:00A new laugh?
06:01A new laugh.
06:02So I'm going to try them out.
06:03Tell me which one's the best.
06:04OK.
06:05Sisters Amira and Amani.
06:07I was thinking, like, a silent laugh.
06:09Oh, my days.
06:09Like, one of these ones.
06:15Yeah.
06:16That's my, like, a silent laugh, you know?
06:19You need help.
06:20Because I...
06:20You actually need help.
06:22Can you just be normal?
06:24My normal is...
06:28That's my normal.
06:29I can't do that.
06:32Yeah, definitely don't do that.
06:33I can't open my mouth that big.
06:35I really shouldn't.
06:36There's no ladylike.
06:37On Tuesday night, we were back at the coalface on Channel 4.
06:41Can't have barbecues at minute.
06:43We had bloody hailstone the other day.
06:45We've been having four seasons in a day.
06:47You don't know what bloody coats I put on.
06:48Oh, man, I can't wait.
06:49I'll get the shorts out, T-shirt, clean up the drum.
06:53Ah, look at Sarah.
06:53She's looking at me.
06:54The jerk drum's coming out.
06:55Yes, the jerk drum is coming out.
06:57The jerk chicken is coming out, girls.
06:59The first glimpse of sunshine,
07:00and we just want to get outside and barbecue.
07:03Correct, we do.
07:04And I bloody tried that the other day.
07:06It was sunny all the time.
07:08Then everyone came round.
07:09It pissed it down.
07:12You're smashing it, man.
07:15I've never seen Dad so excited about anything.
07:18That's brilliant.
07:19It's just barbecue.
07:20I love it.
07:21What's on the barbie menu today, then?
07:23So this is going to be a celebration of breakfast.
07:26Oh.
07:28Okay.
07:28Are you watching this?
07:29Okay.
07:30Are you listening?
07:31Yeah.
07:31The full Monty English breakfast, but not as you know it.
07:35No, I don't think people have got the energy, Mary.
07:38You've got to get the barbecue going before you can cook on it.
07:40Yeah.
07:40You have to start that up at five in the morning, yeah?
07:43So instead of turning like 20 bits of bacon, use a skewer like that.
07:48Ultimately, you've got one thing to turn instead of 20.
07:50It's like a little bacon skirt.
07:52Oh, that's it.
07:53So you're rifting and wafting.
07:56Yeah.
07:57Bada boom, bada boom.
07:58Then when it comes to the sausage, I'm going to do pretty much the same.
08:01Two skewers holding four sausages.
08:02I don't like that sausages.
08:04I like chip-a-ladders.
08:04But we have an opportunity to add some flavours that sausages absolutely love.
08:09That's onion and sage.
08:12Red onion.
08:12It's always got to be red onion, not white onion.
08:14Oh, not this debate again.
08:15Always red onion.
08:17Sage, honestly, it's something I'd never think to use on food.
08:20Like, genuinely, what have you ever used seeds?
08:22I've never in my life.
08:24A lot of people put the charcoal everywhere.
08:27Yeah, you do.
08:28We don't want that.
08:29We want control.
08:30Oh, there you go, Steve.
08:31You're listening.
08:31Now, if you've got a gas barbecue, really simple.
08:34Turn one side on full whack and then the other side on off.
08:36Why don't you know that?
08:38That's what we've done, Jamie.
08:40Fucking simple.
08:41Gas barbecue.
08:42There's a reason we're not living in caves anymore, Jamie.
08:44With the mushrooms here, take the little stalk in the middle.
08:47Love mushrooms.
08:49I hate mushrooms.
08:50I've never tried a mushroom, actually.
08:52And just cut it off.
08:53Peel the mushrooms.
08:54Who knew you could peel mushrooms?
08:56Oh, yeah.
08:57I love peeling a mushroom like that, Simon.
08:59Really?
08:59So therapeutic.
09:01With the mushrooms, turn those over.
09:04I'm going to take a great cheese halloumi.
09:07We keep forgetting about halloumi, Natty.
09:09We do.
09:10Do you know what?
09:10I'm not asked about halloumi.
09:11I think it's overrated.
09:12Oh, God.
09:13I think people just say, oh, yeah, can I have halloumi?
09:16And they're like, really love halloumi.
09:17They don't really.
09:18It's just jumping on a bandwagon.
09:19Just get the coarse side of a grater.
09:22It's kind of chewy, but it's also a little bit oozy.
09:25Grating halloumi.
09:26Never seen that.
09:27Maybe I should grate halloumi.
09:28I've done everything else with it.
09:30Couldn't injure you.
09:31Not everything.
09:33As that bacon starts to get crispy.
09:35Yeah, what's going on with the bacon?
09:36You can pick it up.
09:37Look at that.
09:38Come on.
09:39And all the drippings can be brushed over your sausage.
09:43Well, I thought there was a euphemism.
09:48It was taking it one step too far for me, Jamie.
09:50So, look, I love the idea of, like, pushing barbecue to the next level.
09:54So, an egg going into the pepper.
09:56It's very cool.
09:57Peppers will fry up.
09:58Yeah.
09:59Probably the only thing I'm not loving so far.
10:01Okay.
10:01Peppers are for fajitas.
10:03All right.
10:04And fajitas only.
10:05The smell is incredible.
10:08Oh, look at that.
10:09Oh, where did it come from?
10:11What the hell?
10:13Hold on.
10:14Oh, that's the pizza guy.
10:16What's his name?
10:18It's not Donatello Versace.
10:19No, he's close.
10:21Do you know that?
10:22Go, go, go, go.
10:24A little bit of basil on there.
10:25Yeah.
10:26Beautiful.
10:26You ready to eat?
10:27I am.
10:28Yeah.
10:29Yeah.
10:29If you brought that to the table, I'd say,
10:31well, that's all very well, Jamie.
10:32Could I have mine not burnt?
10:35Tuck in.
10:35My God, what a breakfast you prepared for me.
10:38Hallelujah.
10:40You'd have a full tin of beans easily with your breakfast, wouldn't you?
10:43Oh, yeah.
10:43And so would you.
10:44I might not both have tins of beans.
10:46Let's buy that barbecue, Mary.
10:49We've got one.
10:50It looks so...
10:50I know, but it's crap.
10:52Is it?
10:52You haven't even tried it yet.
10:53No, I just don't like old things.
10:55Well...
10:56The older I get, the more I want new things, Mary.
10:59What?
10:59That's irony.
11:00I like to buy new, fresh things.
11:03Well, you...
11:04Too bad.
11:04I've had a lifetime of hand-me-downs and I'm fed up with it.
11:07I don't want a brand.
11:08I deserve better.
11:09No, you don't deserve.
11:10I deserve better.
11:11You certainly do not.
11:11I deserve one of these, Mary.
11:12You don't.
11:21In Blackpool.
11:22Tell you what, it was bloody melting, that barbecue that we hosted the other night,
11:25wasn't it?
11:26Yeah.
11:26I'd say, wait, me and Ben.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yeah, not me.
11:29It were all good produce, that and all.
11:31Meat from the butchers.
11:33Food from the fancy supermarket.
11:35Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
11:38Well, the highlight of the whole barbecue for me was because you were running late,
11:41because you were held up at work.
11:43Mum said to Eva, where's Daddy?
11:47And Eva turned around to her and went, is it Zumba?
11:52Just because Paige goes to Zumba on a Thursday, now everybody goes to Zumba.
11:57Just the thought of you at Zumba, running late for the barbecue.
12:02I can't make it to the barbecue, I'm just Zumba-ing at the moment.
12:06This week, the strange goings-on continued on Apple TV.
12:10Me.
12:10If you looked at it and it says Widow's Bay, you'd think.
12:13Yeah.
12:14There's something going wrong there.
12:16Why is it called a Widow's Bay?
12:17Because all the men die.
12:19Exactly.
12:19So you wouldn't go and watch it.
12:21I wouldn't mind going there, actually.
12:25Prephrase brief next week.
12:27We've never had so many visitors.
12:29Oh, what's that?
12:30Princess Anne.
12:32What?
12:33How do you know that's Princess Anne?
12:34Oh, sorry.
12:35Whatcha called?
12:37Florence Nightingale.
12:38Exactly.
12:43Country lanes at night time.
12:45Forget it.
12:45It's pretty spooky.
12:46Yeah.
12:50Hello.
12:51What's he looking at?
12:53Somebody's in the road.
12:57Oh, lady.
12:58Oh, no.
12:59They're the worst.
13:01Miss?
13:02Oh, no, no, no.
13:03There's something very wrong with that figure, Mary.
13:06Do you need a ride?
13:08Do you need a ride?
13:09Oh, hang on, Tom.
13:11No.
13:11Is he for real?
13:15What is that?
13:16Shade don't look wild.
13:17It's Kate Bush, not it?
13:18Notice.
13:24Yep, reverse.
13:25Bye.
13:27Oh, look at her now.
13:29Oh!
13:29Oh!
13:35I can't reverse that quick, either.
13:37He's good, though.
13:40Oh!
13:41What was that?
13:42Something went down the side of the car.
13:45Oh, no!
13:47Oh!
13:48Oh!
13:49Oh!
13:50Oh!
13:50Oh!
13:52Oh!
13:52Oh!
13:53Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:55Oh!
13:58Oh!
13:58It's a matter of, Mary.
13:59He's been touched by a ghoul.
14:01Sounds like the sea hag.
14:03The what?
14:05The scratch.
14:06The sea hag?
14:07Old fisherman's lore, you heard of it.
14:09Another old lore that I've not heard of.
14:11A hag targets lonely sailors and follows them home at night.
14:15She scratches you, and she gets some of your skin under her fingernails,
14:19so she can track you down like a bloodhound.
14:22You can track him down anywhere now.
14:24She can track him down by the skin under her fingernails.
14:26Imagine having a woman that interested.
14:28To find out more about the sea hag, Mayor Tom popped to Wicks.
14:33Have you ever heard of a hag?
14:35A sea hag?
14:36I have.
14:36It's a cute cat.
14:38I only know the sea hag.
14:42Specifically one that scratches you and then tracks you down.
14:46The look on his face says it's not good.
14:48I would be saying, that face is now alarming me.
14:51Yeah.
14:51Can I tell you again and you're doing everything?
14:53Every sailor knows the story of the hag.
14:57Every...
14:58Oh, they would do.
14:59Every sailor?
15:00He knows a lot, don't he?
15:01I don't understand.
15:02How do you die?
15:03No, I don't neither.
15:05If he crawls into your bed and sits on your face...
15:07What?
15:19Look, look, look.
15:21It's getting weak, isn't it?
15:22Yeah.
15:22The scratch is taking effect.
15:26He's bleeding.
15:28The cook's bleeding.
15:31Oh!
15:32It's bleeding even more.
15:33So she'll be able to smell that, man.
15:37Don't fall asleep, Tom.
15:39She'll have you.
15:41Oh.
15:41Oh, God.
15:42Sit up!
15:43Oh, no.
15:46Oh, there she is.
15:47No!
15:47Oh, no!
15:48Look where she's coming up from.
15:50Oh, my God.
15:51Oh, my life.
15:54He can't move.
16:00Oh, look at those snails.
16:02Oh.
16:03Hang on.
16:03Oh.
16:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:09Oh, my God.
16:09She's got to stay on his face.
16:11She's got to stay on his face.
16:14Oh, my God!
16:16Oh, he's going to recline the chair.
16:24Oh!
16:25Oh!
16:30Catapulted her over his shoulder.
16:34Quick, quick, quick.
16:35Shut the door.
16:38Is he getting in the bath?
16:39What good's that going to be?
16:43Stop breathing.
16:45Is a shower curtain sufficient to keep her out?
16:49I don't know.
16:49He didn't lock the door either, did he?
16:54Oh, it's just going to get in.
16:55Oh, Lord.
16:57The head will appear.
16:59It's not the head I'm worried about.
17:03Oh, here she comes.
17:05Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:06Oh, the smelly can smelly.
17:08Oh, he's wretched.
17:09You would be, though, wouldn't you?
17:10Yeah, but it's...
17:11Oh!
17:12Hey!
17:13What was that?
17:16It's WIC!
17:17WIC!
17:18You got her!
17:20Can you kill her?
17:22Oh, no!
17:24Oh, what is that?
17:26Is she dead?
17:31Where is she?
17:32She's turned into seawater, haven't she?
17:34Say what, man?
17:34What are you thinking about?
17:39Don't get any funny ideas in there.
17:44Who would your ideal smother be?
17:49Nitro.
17:50With those arse cheeks, it'd be quick and painless.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:58Hey, do you know the other day, Jenny?
18:00Yeah.
18:00There was a police van.
18:03Speeders, you know.
18:04Oh, a camera.
18:05Yeah.
18:06I'm surprised you weren't being done yet.
18:08Why?
18:08Best friends Jenny and Lee.
18:11You know when you say you go slow?
18:12Yeah, I do.
18:13You do not.
18:14You was like a shit-off-a-fucking-rabbit on that, in there, on your cat.
18:18You was.
18:19Look at you laughing cos you know, don't you?
18:20Don't.
18:21I couldn't even keep up with you.
18:23What?
18:24What shit-off-rabbit?
18:29What do you mean, shit-off-a-stick?
18:33On Sunday night, there were more mad mutts on Channel 5.
18:37There's no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner.
18:39Quite right.
18:40He seems to be obsessed by you, for some reason.
18:43Well, he's the only one in the family who is.
18:45But he's...
18:46Unless you've been feeding him from the Tay, have you?
18:50Well then, you need look no further.
18:52It's cupboard, love.
18:55What's this, Tilly?
18:56This is nothing to do with you.
18:56This is how the other doggies behave.
18:58Not you.
18:59First up, Graeme's in God's Own Country.
19:03Yorkshire!
19:05Well, I'm in Yorkshire today, ain't I?
19:06In Barnsley.
19:07Well, she's from Barnsley.
19:08She is, ain't she?
19:09Oh!
19:10Nathan and Cathy.
19:11Whoa!
19:12Wow!
19:13Look at him.
19:14Got six-year-old Rio...
19:16...as a puppy.
19:18Oh, he's too big, isn't he?
19:20I wouldn't want to feed that, I tell you.
19:22Couldn't have thought to.
19:23No.
19:23He's a fantastic dog, with a strange personality.
19:27Dave with a strange personality.
19:28Oh, Dave was gorgeous.
19:30Come on, big lad.
19:30Now a 15-stone adult.
19:33Oh!
19:3415-stone!
19:35I'm that far off.
19:38I'm not, Mum.
19:39Come on.
19:40Come on, Rio.
19:41Rio.
19:41He takes some manoeuvres out, at times.
19:44Come on now, big boy.
19:45Bad he does, eh?
19:46He don't want to get out the car.
19:47He don't want to go out.
19:48Come on, Rio.
19:49No, no, don't pancake, please.
19:51He knows this is the vet.
19:52Which one of ours was it?
19:53It was Bobby.
19:54He knew when he was at the vets.
19:56He didn't like getting out of the car at the vets, either.
19:59No.
20:00Rio, please.
20:01No!
20:02I don't think saying please Rio is going to do any good, do you?
20:05No.
20:06It's like going to the dentist.
20:07Exactly.
20:08It's the equivalent.
20:09Yeah.
20:09I remember I'd have to get in and pull you out like this a couple of times.
20:12Yeah.
20:12Get a filling.
20:14Rio!
20:15And that's not the only issue.
20:17What else is there?
20:18Oh, God, there's more.
20:19He will not walk upstairs for anybody.
20:22Oh, golly.
20:23Oh, golly.
20:24He's a pain in the neck, isn't he?
20:26He's stubborn, isn't he, that dog?
20:28Even at home, where bedrooms are up them.
20:30You know what they need there?
20:32A stainless.
20:33What, for the dog?
20:34Yeah.
20:36Graham's meeting Rio.
20:38Come on.
20:39At his vet's car park.
20:40Morning.
20:41Come on, Graham.
20:42Sort this Rio out.
20:44So, what do you do, eventually, to get him out?
20:46How does this end?
20:47Come on.
20:48Yeah.
20:49And then we drag him.
20:50Pull him.
20:50Pull him.
20:51Pull him.
20:51And then he pulls his arms out.
20:52Oh, they pull him out on the road.
20:54You are a plava.
20:55Just down the road, there's another car park.
20:58Oh, what is this one that you don't like?
21:01Oh, we're using the push and pull technique now, are we?
21:04Oh, yeah.
21:05Oh, you're not there in the end.
21:06Oh, my goodness, Mary.
21:07Poor Cathy.
21:08You know, think about it.
21:09She's retired and this is the shit she's having to do here.
21:12She's on all fours in the back of her bilingo.
21:14Yeah.
21:14Not how.
21:15She plans to spend her retirement around.
21:17So, basically, anywhere you go, he just refuses to get out?
21:20No, not really.
21:21There's one place he will go.
21:23Where's that?
21:23The pub?
21:25He loves the pub.
21:31He knows where he's going, doesn't he?
21:32Yeah.
21:32Good Lord.
21:33Look at that.
21:34Straight in.
21:34There's a spring in his step now.
21:37There's always dog treats in the pub, that's the thing.
21:39There is dog treats in the pub.
21:40You're right there, Sean.
21:43Can I have his usual, please?
21:45His usual.
21:46Which is?
21:47What's he getting?
21:50He's giving him crisps.
21:52Back at the house, Graham had some food.
21:54Some pub treats for Rio to get him up the stairs.
21:57Now, remember, we need to hit this with a bit of pub energy.
21:59Pub energy.
22:01Come on, pub energy.
22:03Come on, everybody.
22:04Give it pub.
22:05Come on.
22:05Rio.
22:06Rio, come on.
22:07Come on, Rio.
22:08Come on.
22:10Come on.
22:11Rio, come on.
22:12Come on.
22:12Yay.
22:13Come on.
22:14You can do it.
22:15Yay.
22:17Come on.
22:17We're doing it now.
22:18Come on, Rio.
22:19Come on.
22:20Yay.
22:22Go on, Rio.
22:23Oh, clever lad.
22:24You've never been up here.
22:26Esau.
22:27And who would have thought, by feeding a dog treats, it would actually do what you want?
22:31It would do, exactly.
22:32Never come across that.
22:40In Wiltshire.
22:41No, I'm just doing an inquest about this pork pie nutty.
22:44Oh, yes.
22:44Are you pleased with it?
22:45Um, sadly, no.
22:47Giles and his wife, Mary.
22:48And I'm not being funny nor nothing, Mary, but that is not a proper pork pie.
22:54So what?
22:55It's nicer than a pork pie.
22:56It's sophisticated.
22:58It's called a pork and pickle pie.
23:00Yes.
23:00Which should immediately send red lights buzzing in anyone's head.
23:07It's soggy.
23:08Oh, you horrible man.
23:09Stop touching it.
23:10I'm going to take it away.
23:11It's soggy.
23:12It's soggy.
23:12If you're ungrateful.
23:13There are a hundred men who would say, ooh, that's a sophisticated take on a pork pie,
23:19Mary.
23:19I'm going to have that.
23:21You're not having it again.
23:23On Monday, the police were on patrol again on Channel 5.
23:27I think you'd be quite a good interceptor.
23:30I think if I was the driver and you were giving me directions, we would intercept a lot of criminals.
23:35Oh, yeah.
23:36If I was the driver and you were giving direction, we'd end up in Wales.
23:39Intercepting a ditch.
23:40Yeah.
23:44Do you know the reason why I couldn't be a police officer?
23:47Too short.
23:49No.
23:50I wouldn't be able to remember my collar number.
23:52That's not a very nice thing to say.
23:55There's a van that's just hit the camera at Alfred Street.
23:59Oh, the old ANPR's triggered off.
24:01What's that?
24:02Automatic number plate recognition.
24:04Get you.
24:05Good work in the police.
24:06It's a comments marker.
24:07I think I put it on a few days ago.
24:10The vehicle's in a bad condition.
24:11Uh-oh.
24:12I didn't know Alistair Campbell had joined the police.
24:15It's a white van.
24:16While I was off duty, I noticed that the windscreen was all smashed.
24:20Goes to bed wearing the badge.
24:21Welly Road.
24:22My sister's shop used to be on there.
24:23Oh, is that where it was?
24:24Yeah.
24:24There we go.
24:25It's her, innit?
24:28After a few minutes, Michael arrives in the area the van last triggered ANPR.
24:33Oh, he's going to find him if it kills him.
24:36Yeah, he's lucky.
24:36Yeah, Michael's going to have him.
24:40There it is.
24:41So he lights him up and the chap complies.
24:44Comply or die.
24:45Okay, so the reason I'm stopping you, obviously your windscreen's smashed.
24:49Oh, I've had that before.
24:50Initially it happened this morning.
24:52No, it didn't.
24:52Oh, porky pies.
24:54Oh, he's a chancer, innit?
24:56Oh, it just happened this morning, that.
24:58Stone on the road.
24:59It's got no MOT and no tax.
25:00No MOT.
25:03I love it, the way he's going.
25:05Are you sure?
25:06I wouldn't say that, you see.
25:08I would say it's a fair cop, Gavin.
25:10You've got me bang to rights.
25:11Right, because your tax is expired and it's out of date by three months or more.
25:17Oh.
25:18It gives us the power to seize your vehicle.
25:19Yeah, it could have smashed anywhere.
25:20I'd give him it and say, yeah, I'd take it, mate.
25:23While the driver gathers his things.
25:25Michael's going to have him for fly tipping in a minute.
25:27I think so.
25:28The handbrake don't work, does it?
25:30Of course.
25:31It does not work.
25:32The handbrake don't work.
25:34What the hell have he been doing?
25:36There's nothing on that at all.
25:38That's the handbrake.
25:40Or it's not the handbrake.
25:42Yeah.
25:42It's like Fred Flintstone's car.
25:44Yeah.
25:45Does he even start now?
25:46How does the van start?
25:48He's got to wiggle it a bit, lad.
25:50Yeah.
25:50Shake it.
25:51Give it a jimmy and then right to left and the engine will start.
25:54Yeah.
25:54Oh, my God.
25:55It's a shed on bloody wheels, that thing.
25:57So, those are the details you need to give to get your vehicle back.
26:00All right?
26:01Very much.
26:01All right.
26:02Good luck to you.
26:03Have an OC.
26:04Our policies require them to have a valid MOT and pack.
26:08Oh.
26:08He's got a hat trick here his mate who is driving.
26:12Yeah.
26:12So, I was saying that the vehicle is taxed and MOT.
26:14If it is not, it immediately validates his cover.
26:17You know he's like, yes, yes, yes, yes.
26:19So, he's not insured now.
26:21Oh, my God.
26:21Oh, God.
26:22The driver pleaded guilty to no insurance, no MOT and driving a dangerous vehicle.
26:27What does he get, then?
26:28He got six points on his licence and over £1,700 in fines.
26:33£1,700 in fines.
26:35Shit, a brick.
26:37More than the van's worth.
26:39HE LAUGHS
26:42All right, can you just have the van offset it against the van?
26:44I'm going to part-ex the van on my vines.
26:48In the Cotswolds.
26:50Oh, my God.
26:51The tiredness in my body knows no bounds today.
26:54Well, the tiredness in his body, but he's to blame.
26:57He's completely to blame.
26:58I don't know what that was about until 4.30 in the morning last night.
27:01Andrew and his husband, Alfie.
27:04Are you literally up all night with him?
27:05Yes, pretty much.
27:06Okay, this is not funny, Pablo.
27:08Yeah, I need a nap, kids.
27:09Excuse me.
27:09Pablo.
27:09Hello.
27:10Wake up.
27:11I'm not surprised he's like that.
27:12Pablo?
27:13Are you interested in watching television?
27:15Earth to Pablo.
27:16Not happening.
27:18That should be me.
27:20On Friday, it was all eyes on Burnham in a by-election on BBC News.
27:26He should come out.
27:27Go on, go on out.
27:28He ain't there, ain't?
27:29He is.
27:30What are you flapping about with?
27:32He's not there.
27:33In Southern Ireland, there is such a small community
27:37that the news is genuinely interesting
27:39and they would have somebody on saying,
27:42a woman's car broke down in Blanchardstown yesterday
27:47at three o'clock
27:49and a very kind man stopped and helped her to get it going again.
27:54When she got home, she found his jacket in the back of Descartes.
27:58She has no idea what his name was.
28:00If you're watching, would you come forward?
28:02And then by the end of the programme,
28:04the man whose car it was would have rung in.
28:06Yes.
28:07Do they all speak as if they've got a Jamaican accent?
28:10Jamaicans and Irish are very similar.
28:12Jamaicans and Irish are very similar.
28:14Good evening and welcome to the BBC News at six.
28:17A lorry driver parked his car on O'Connell Street yesterday,
28:21just left it for a minute,
28:22but while he was gone, somebody stole his mobile phone
28:25with his last pictures of his daughter on them.
28:28Would you give it back?
28:29The Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham,
28:32has tonight been given permission by Labour's ruling body,
28:35the National Executive Committee,
28:37to stand in the Makerfield by-election.
28:39Oh.
28:40Which is what he was hoping for.
28:41It's happening.
28:42Because he can't go for Prime Minister if he isn't an MP.
28:44Yeah, it's a bit tricky that one.
28:46After he was blocked from taking part
28:47in another by-election earlier this year.
28:50Oh, he was, yeah, that's right.
28:51He would have won now as well.
28:52Yeah, blocked him.
28:53Team Burnham, so we want him doing all right across the country.
28:56The Labour MP, Josh Simons, announced he was stepping down yesterday
28:59to give Andy Burnham a chance to make it back to the Commons.
29:02Don't you find it all quite creepy and weird, this?
29:05Because the chap's had to give up, hasn't he?
29:07He said, right, I'll give up and you can stand in my seat.
29:10Yeah.
29:10Allowing him then to challenge Sir Keir Starmer for the leadership.
29:13Yeah, but he has to win that seat.
29:15He's not guaranteed, is he?
29:17No, no.
29:17Of course he'll win that seat.
29:19He's the king of the North.
29:21Get ready for an almighty by-election race.
29:24Oh, dear.
29:24A bit smaller shorts, aren't they?
29:26Andy Burnham has been given the green light
29:28to apply to be Labour's candidate.
29:30He's doing the old Forrest Johnson method.
29:33That's it.
29:34Running in tiny shorts.
29:35It worked for him?
29:36I don't know if it did.
29:38I'd be fuming if someone caught me like that, honestly.
29:41You've got to give it to him, though.
29:42His calves are really good.
29:44Are they not?
29:45Look at them.
29:46David, all right?
29:47Good to see you, man.
29:48The mayor of Greater Manchester is popular with Labour's left.
29:50Well, he's popular with that one man.
29:52Good to see you, man.
29:53Yeah.
29:53It's quite a feat to nail a handshake on an escalator going the other way.
29:58We think he could turn things around for the government
30:00and could soon be challenging Keir Starmer for the keys to Downing Street.
30:05I think Burnham's done a decent job around Manchester.
30:07He stopped the congestion charging.
30:09That's good enough for me.
30:10That would have cost a silly money every day.
30:12Now he made the buses better.
30:13The Prime Minister wants you to think he's getting on with the job.
30:16Ah.
30:16Wants you to think he's getting on with the job.
30:19He really wants you to think that.
30:20But actually, the economic indicators over the last few weeks are bloody good.
30:25The country GDP had gone up and waiting times on the NHS had gone down.
30:30It was like just quietly getting on with it.
30:32There's a lot of stuff that needs fixing.
30:34Do we really need to be messing about with a bloody leadership change?
30:36No.
30:36We don't do it, I don't think.
30:38In Makerfield today, Labour were out campaigning already.
30:41You'd be buzzing if you were from Makerfield, wouldn't you?
30:43Putting your town on map.
30:44The chance to get your head on telly.
30:46Exactly.
30:46You'd be up and down High Street, wouldn't you, all the time?
30:49Trying to get someone to throw a mic at you so you can give an opinion.
30:53Including Josh Simons, the man who's standing down to give Andy Burnham a route back into Parliament.
30:58It depends on how many people turn out and they don't know how much they're interested.
31:00But saying that, this is building up a lot of interest in it.
31:03So people will come out to vote now, won't they?
31:04Hope for that.
31:05Because this could be like country changing leadership.
31:07A bumpy week for Labour, the government and the country is unlikely to be the last.
31:12I just think, are we ever going to have a Prime Minister do the full term that they've been elected
31:18for?
31:19It'd be nice, wouldn't it?
31:20It'd be nice for a change.
31:21Yeah.
31:21The pound is plummeting and they're going to throw the country into disarray.
31:25When there's a global stage we should be standing on.
31:28And yes, Keir Starmer is boring, but it's early on.
31:31Just let him get on with it because no one else at this stage is going to make it any
31:35better.
31:35No, they're not. They're going to probably make it worse.
31:45Hey, so, you know how Paige has been begging me to get rid of the three-wheel van out of
31:50the garage?
31:51Have you sold it?
31:52No. No, she's never getting sold.
31:54But, I've been able to put it in a lock-up.
31:58Pete and his little sister Sophie.
32:00I managed to get it in the back of a long wheelbase transit van.
32:03Jesus Christ.
32:04Almost like a Russian doll sat up.
32:06Straight in the back of a van.
32:07Van in a van.
32:08Yeah.
32:09So, we lifted it straight in, it was dead easy.
32:12But, to get it out, we thought, oh well we'll just roll it out.
32:15So we put the two planks either side, to wheel it out.
32:19Only we'd forgotten that it was three wheels.
32:21Yeah, what about the middle wheel?
32:22Well.
32:24That's for pushing it out the back of the van.
32:26Oh no.
32:27It just went.
32:30On Thursday night, the end was in sight for these backpackers on BBC One.
32:35Watch out Ben!
32:36BB!
32:37Race across the world!
32:38Sit!
32:38It's now not race across the world, so it's the final race.
32:42Final race across the world.
32:44Across the world.
32:47I mean, could you imagine me doing race across the world, Steve?
32:51Ah.
32:51I'd have to get taxis everywhere, and then where would I...
32:55Taxi?
32:56Libo?
32:56Let's do this, ma'am.
32:575am.
32:58Departing as race leaders for the second time.
33:01Thank you so much.
33:02Joe and Kush.
33:03This is it.
33:04This is the last leg now, isn't it?
33:06Last leg.
33:07Do you know these are real good mates, these so?
33:09Yeah, they are.
33:09They've got each other through it, I think.
33:11Hot girl.
33:12Let's go.
33:15Hot girl.
33:16Hot girl.
33:16Hot girl.
33:17Hot girl.
33:17Hot girl.
33:18Hot girl.
33:18Where the hell's that?
33:19Mongolia.
33:20The boys plan to swing east, taking a chance of connections from the capital to Mongolia's
33:25second largest city, Erdoganet.
33:28That's the route I take.
33:29The train?
33:30Well, where you're well connected.
33:32It's a bit like sometimes you've just got to go into London to get back out.
33:35Exactly.
33:36Do you know what I mean?
33:36Yeah.
33:37Trying the overnight train to Erdoganet.
33:40What the hell?
33:41Oh, oh, oh, what's the matter?
33:42Don't tell me they're all cancelled.
33:43What are you thinking?
33:44There's no trains they can get tonight.
33:46Oh!
33:46No trains they can get tonight.
33:48God.
33:49Did you get a bus?
33:49Er, bus.
33:50I don't get a bus.
33:51Un-bus.
33:53Beat me.
33:55No.
33:56Train ticket.
33:57Only train ticket.
33:58This is really a case of computer says no, Nuttie, isn't it?
34:02Yeah.
34:02They've dropped a bollock here, so this could be the difference between winning or losing
34:05this, you know.
34:06Andrew and Molly have pushed into the leads by arriving into Tetzalec.
34:10Oh, they've gone the other route.
34:11Okay, they've overtaken them.
34:14Yeah.
34:14This is going to be closed.
34:15Can we ask you a really important question?
34:17We need to get to Jaggerland.
34:19Jaggerland.
34:20They are enlisting the help of guest house owner and tour operator, Murray.
34:23Oh, now that's clever.
34:25A tour operator.
34:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:26He's going to know what he's doing, doesn't he?
34:28Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:28Andrew and Molly.
34:29Jammy, aren't they?
34:30Landed right on their feet with him, haven't they?
34:32That's it there.
34:33That is Jaggerland.
34:34Okay.
34:34Yeah.
34:35Hold on, that's Jaggerland.
34:37Yes.
34:37So is that.
34:38How many Jaggerlands are there?
34:39Oh, there's loads of them.
34:40What, all the same name?
34:41Yeah.
34:42Throughout Mongolia, it's common for places to share the same name.
34:46Jaggerland being especially popular.
34:49There's loads.
34:50We'll have to know which bleeding Jaggerland you're going to go to.
34:53Well, I suppose you've got to go for the one in the middle.
34:55Middle Jaggerland.
34:56Yeah, it's that middle one.
34:57Take me direct to middle Jaggerland.
34:58You're not going to go over to the right, are you?
35:00Fuck right, Jaggerland.
35:04Oh, my goodness.
35:06This is travelling game.
35:07Oh, my God, look at that road.
35:09Well, that's a bone shaker, innit?
35:11Tracy, you'd be as sick as a dog.
35:13Oh, yeah.
35:14Very in the middle of nowhere.
35:15Andrew and Molly have arrived in Jaggerland.
35:18Oh, they're there.
35:19Jaggerland.
35:19Here we go.
35:25I hope this is the right Jaggerland.
35:29So do I.
35:33Oh!
35:34Oh, no!
35:35He's took him to the wrong one.
35:36He's took him to the wrong one.
35:37He's took him to the wrong one.
35:38No!
35:39Well, I mean, there was five.
35:40It's easily done.
35:41Where is he?
35:43I don't understand.
35:44I mean, I don't understand either, but I know you're in the wrong friggin' place.
35:48We pointed to the right one, I think, on the map last night.
35:51This is where the blame game starts now.
35:54The dad's that mad.
35:55He's just gone silent.
35:56She's the mouthpiece in this.
35:57Yeah.
35:57He's gone gone verbal.
35:58Are we in the wrong one?
36:00You guys pointed to the map and said that's where we want to go.
36:02You know what?
36:03You won't be the first.
36:04You won't be the last.
36:04Let's mix up your Jaggerlands.
36:05Surely now they have to rethink what they're doing.
36:08Oh, yeah.
36:08They can't be staying in Jaggerland anymore.
36:09No, no.
36:10Jaggerlands, I know go now.
36:12They'll have to go to Jaggerland instead.
36:14Yeah.
36:16Later in the programme, after getting things back on track,
36:19both teams were closing in on the finish line.
36:23Let's go.
36:24Let's go.
36:26I see you, Katie.
36:27Come in!
36:28Right, come on!
36:29Who's in front?
36:30Is that the end?
36:31Molly and Andrew.
36:32I can't tell.
36:32No, no.
36:33I can't tell.
36:34I think it's Joe and Chris, Jane.
36:35Is it wrong?
36:37Oh, it's Ellie.
36:38They're nearly there.
36:39Oh, they're the best team win.
36:41Come on.
36:41Yeah.
36:42I think that's it.
36:43I think that's the boys.
36:45It's the boys.
36:46Are they first?
36:46Well, let's see.
36:47When I open the book.
36:48If you open that book and there's another name in it,
36:50you'd miss it, wouldn't you?
36:51Yeah.
36:51You've successfully reached the finish line.
36:53Please sign and no relief.
36:55I'm fine if you won the race.
36:56Yeah, but are they the first?
36:57Who's first?
36:58Who's first?
36:59Oh, turn it over.
37:00I know.
37:01It's killing me, the suspension.
37:01I know.
37:02Yeah.
37:03Come on.
37:03Three, two, one.
37:06Take one.
37:07Yeah!
37:10Oh, fantastic, boys!
37:12Oh, my God!
37:14Oh, my God!
37:15I'm the younger one.
37:16No!
37:17Well, they deserve to win, then.
37:18Well, you need to sign it first, you cretins.
37:20Yeah, because someone could come up behind you while you're larking around.
37:23I think if I would have won £10,000 at 19 years old, it would have been blown in River
37:33Island and on Jagerbots.
37:35I feel sorry for Joe and Couchier, because there's not going to be a weather spruins round
37:39there to celebrating.
37:43In Leeds...
37:44I'm practising my waitress skills.
37:46Look.
37:47Danielle, you're stressing me out.
37:48Why?
37:49Keep it sensible.
37:49Oh, God.
37:50You know what?
37:50You ruin all the fun.
37:52I don't ruin the fun.
37:53I just like to play it safe.
37:54Best friends, Danielle and Daniella.
37:57Show me.
37:57How would you carry them?
37:59Show me.
37:59You only had two.
38:01And a mug.
38:01So, you'd hold it like that, and then you'd see these two here.
38:05That's the stable.
38:06Yeah?
38:08Oh, piss off!
38:09Oh!
38:14On Sunday night, a bunch of Gen Z's were swapping their lives for something completely
38:19different on Channel 5.
38:20If somebody took off an outlet, they'd love it.
38:22Oh, yeah.
38:23They won't want to go back to the normal life.
38:25They won't.
38:25They're likely being a lazy bastard.
38:31Is this that film with that man in it, where the trade places?
38:36No.
38:37If you had to trade places, who would you trade places with?
38:43With Nitro's wife.
38:46Jesus, huh?
38:47Yeah.
38:47You didn't take long enough to think about that.
38:50No.
38:50That was instantaneous, that was.
38:52I know.
38:52Bang!
38:53Yeah.
38:55Steeped in history and tradition, Christ College Brecon is among the most prestigious
39:01boarding schools in the country.
39:02So prestigious, we haven't heard of it.
39:04Yeah.
39:04I think it's quite prestigious in Wales.
39:07And it's about to welcome three new students who'd written school off.
39:11This is like the real-life boarders.
39:13Yeah.
39:14I'm not an academic person at all.
39:15I get easily distracted.
39:16That's like me.
39:18Hmm.
39:19I like to question authority.
39:21If I don't understand why I tell them to do something, I'm just not going to do it.
39:23Wow.
39:24This is going to be interesting.
39:25I love these shows, man.
39:26That's going to go down well in the private school.
39:29I used to get in trouble just from talking too much.
39:32Me too.
39:33Yeah.
39:33I'm like all of these children in the back of this car, just all mixed into one.
39:36They're going to mix with people that want to do well.
39:39Which might brush off.
39:41Exactly.
39:42Christ College is run by headmaster Mr Pearson.
39:45He looks rather fierce.
39:47And no-nonsense, former Royal Marine.
39:49Oh, bloody hell.
39:50Who leads the school with a cast-own belief in the Brecon way.
39:53People are like dogs.
39:55Dogs need to be trained and disciplined and punished.
39:58And people need to be punished too if they're not working.
40:01For a prospective family looking to buy this education,
40:04that could be a £250,000 over five or six years.
40:07A lot of money.
40:08What?
40:09How much?
40:1050 grand a year.
40:11That's more than me house is worth.
40:13You'll come here for breakfast, lunch and supper.
40:16Breakfast is quite early, by the way.
40:187.30.
40:187.30am?
40:20Yeah.
40:20A.M.
40:21It's breakfast.
40:22She's literally doing the maths.
40:23She's like, I'm going to have to get up at 4am so I can get my edges laid.
40:26The next day, after an early start, it was off to assembly.
40:30Got to be on time.
40:31I'm actually going to die.
40:33I think the discipline might be hard for them.
40:36Shall I be able to take your coat off?
40:37All right.
40:38Yeah, thank you.
40:38I'll live.
40:39You'll be the only one.
40:40You don't want to stand out.
40:41I think she does want to stand out.
40:44That is her aim.
40:46Well, can you take your cape off?
40:48I'd be saying you've got a cape on some.
40:50Why is it so formal?
40:52They all come walking in in a straight line.
40:53That would not happen at high school.
40:54She can't understand why the other children are disciplined.
40:57She's never seen disciplined children before.
41:00Yeah.
41:01No one's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:02High five on my knees.
41:04Now, you may have noticed that we've got three brave young people
41:07that are going to join us as pupils for the week.
41:10Oh my God, I'm going to die.
41:13So, in no particular order, we have Shadia.
41:18She's like, wait.
41:20You've got to do that for me.
41:22Danny and Molly do come down.
41:25Oh my God.
41:26Oh my God, they're bringing them down.
41:28Oh, put the spotlights on them as well.
41:31A new person.
41:37You're getting a good reception.
41:39This is what poor children look like.
41:42Please come to the front.
41:45Later on, we saw the visiting students join an English lesson.
41:50We're going to continue our study of Thomas Hardy's poems
41:53that he wrote in the wake of the death of his wife.
41:55Who's that?
41:56I didn't even know Tom had to be actor.
41:58I know a lot about him.
42:01I want you to write on the window, or the board,
42:05just what stands out to you.
42:06On the window?
42:07I think he's saying he's gone crazy because she's dead.
42:09For Shadia, this way of learning is a game changer.
42:12Is she liking this now?
42:14You were writing on, like, the windows and stuff.
42:16It was different.
42:17No wonder why they get better results in boarding school
42:19because they wait on the windows.
42:21No, because they just do a different method.
42:22Oh.
42:23Hardy is tired of feeling the grief of losing Emma.
42:26Go on, Shadia.
42:27Yeah, she's interested now.
42:29However, this is a paradox of grief,
42:31as he pairs the word with craze,
42:33which contradicts himself.
42:35Fucking hell.
42:36What the heck?
42:37Mate, she's quite clever.
42:39Yeah.
42:40Mic drop.
42:41Like I said, mic drop in front of the teacher.
42:43Yeah, I like that.
42:44Yeah.
42:45I can do this, I can do this.
42:46I can do this.
42:47Yeah.
42:47In this environment, this suits me,
42:50but it costs 50 grand.
42:52Do you know, I love my children.
42:54Do I love them quarter of a million quid a piece?
42:57For education?
42:59No.
43:00I don't think they do.
43:06And the dancing beat of the bank holiday
43:08needs a Jamie barbecue recipe
43:10like fish tacos or lamb on the coals.
43:12Stream now for inspo.
43:14Now between faith and feelings,
43:16Keely Hawes and Papa Essie Adu are wrestling with the tender
43:19and the taboo.
43:21Falling.
43:21Stream it now.
43:23First Dates is up next.
43:24we're standing next,
43:27and we'll be here next becomes the end of the week's house.
43:27Ohanderreso
43:28of record...
43:29how are we now?nic
43:32Anderson, which
43:33is the end- event
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