- 6 hours ago
Only Child - Season 2 Episode 2 - Seize The Day-Lewis
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Dad, why have you sent me a petition to stop people feeding bread to the ducks in the park?
00:07Oh, and why are you peeing with the door open again?
00:10Oh, well then.
00:11How many times have I told you just closed the door?
00:13What did you say?
00:14Face the front.
00:16Well, I was facing the front until you started yambering at me.
00:20Just...
00:22See how easy that is?
00:25Eh?
00:28Did you get the petition I forwarded to you about feeding the ducks bread?
00:34It has no nutritional value whatsoever.
00:39Eh?
00:45Eh, James, it's a long one, this.
00:53So I suppose you know where the only working phone charger is?
00:56I want 5%.
00:57Oh, I lent it to Beth.
00:59You lent it to Beth?
01:00Yes.
01:01Should you need a phone charger?
01:02I need a phone charger.
01:03Well, you'll have to call Beth.
01:05Oh.
01:06What day is it today?
01:08Monday.
01:09Monday.
01:10This Monday?
01:11Yes, Dad.
01:12Today is this Monday.
01:14You will be looking forward to your birthday on Saturday, eh?
01:19I booked a wee table at the New Italian.
01:22I told them on the phone I'd be having the lasagna.
01:25Well, you'll be eating alone, I'm afraid.
01:27Eh?
01:28Well, I just don't feel like there's much worth celebrating in my life right now.
01:31What do you mean?
01:32What do you mean?
01:33What do I mean?
01:34This isn't how I saw my life at 40.
01:36Living at home in forest with my dad, sleeping on a sofa bed in my childhood bedroom.
01:43Plus, Emily's with Tim now.
01:45I mean, what is he seeing in him?
01:47What's he got that I don't?
01:48Well, he's got a house, he's got a car, he runs his own business.
01:52And, of course, we've already mentioned he's got Emily.
01:55But, I mean, a part of that.
01:57I just thought by 40 I'd be living in my terraced house in Notting Hill with my wife
02:03and maybe a little Richard running around.
02:05The singer?
02:06Kids?
02:07Oh, right, right, right.
02:11Sally!
02:12Hi!
02:13No, I'm telling you, the smell is still here.
02:16Sally?
02:16Well, I don't know what it is.
02:17Do I, Pippa?
02:18I'm not a cleaner.
02:19You're my assistant, you work it out.
02:21And do it somewhere else, please.
02:23I have to call Richard Pritchard.
02:25No, you have called me, Sally.
02:27It's Richard.
02:28Oh, God knows.
02:29I mean, I don't know why I'm bothered.
02:31There's never any offers for him.
02:32To be honest, I've stopped putting his name forward for things.
02:34Oh, the, er, director mentioned me by name.
02:38Yes, maybe the smell is his career dying.
02:41Ah!
02:41That's very good, Pippa.
02:42OK, let's get this over with.
02:44Er, oh, thanks, Sally.
02:48Er, no, you take care.
02:51Good news, eh?
03:06Hi, I'm Tim Village.
03:09And I coach men to unlock their true potential.
03:12I truly believe that what starts in the gym ends with you nailing that presentation in the boardroom
03:18and getting the confidence to ask out that girl of your dreams.
03:21Yeah.
03:21Oh, boy, if you...
03:22So, give me a follow if you want me to help transform your life.
03:27Because it takes more than a village.
03:30Tim Village.
03:31Oh.
03:33Oh, God, I followed him.
03:35Oh, no, no.
03:37Unfollow!
03:38Unfollow!
03:39No!
03:45Why?!
04:04You all right?
04:06Do you know, I really believed I was gonna be a successful and respected actor.
04:14I mean, what am I gonna do to that? I'm completely broke.
04:19Well...
04:21Maybe you could get yourself a real job.
04:24Exactly.
04:26There's nothing I can do.
04:30Listen, son, if I've learned anything over this past year,
04:34it's that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything.
04:38What you need is a wee part-time gig, you know, somebody to tidy over.
04:42Yeah.
04:43Ian and Jen, they're looking for some help with the beastie.
04:47Oh, be humiliated.
04:48My face is on the wall of fame.
04:51Yeah.
04:52You could maybe ask them and take your picture down.
04:55Are you kidding me?
04:56That's all I've got to show for my career.
04:58Well, just think of it as a wee diversion, maybe, on the way to better things.
05:03Look at that Robert De Niro fella.
05:05He drove a taxi.
05:07Ah, whilst researching taxi driver for which he won an Oscar.
05:13Well, what about that other boy, the left-footed boy, played the Guilford Four.
05:17The president with the funny chin.
05:20Daniel D. Lewis?
05:21Ah, that's him.
05:22He did lots of other things.
05:23He was a cobbler.
05:27I suppose when you look at it like that, I mean, I'm not comparing myself to Daniel D. Lewis.
05:31Yeah, very wise.
05:33But, it wouldn't be like I was actually working there.
05:36It'd be more like a, what's it called, a sabbatical.
05:41You know, mixing with the salt of the earth.
05:44Filling up my inspiration cup.
05:46I would think of it more along the lines of filling up your bank account, maybe.
05:51Yeah, I do feel bad about not paying rent here.
05:54Ah.
05:55No, no, honestly, I've been here for a while now and I want to contribute.
06:00So, don't argue.
06:02Okay.
06:05Well, we can maybe argue a wee bit if you...
06:08Drink your tea before it gets cold.
06:14Can I just say, what an honour it is for you to even consider the Beastie as your potential employer.
06:19Don't mention it.
06:20Erm, what would the shift pattern be?
06:24Shift pattern?
06:26What a lovely turn of phrase, Richard.
06:28Well, right now it would be Tuesday and Thursdays so that Jen and I can have our date night.
06:34Our marriage counsellors idea.
06:36She said we should introduce date nights to our marriage to her.
06:39Give us a break from the norm.
06:40So, I'd be by myself behind the bar?
06:43Yeah, but we'd just be at one of those tables over there.
06:46Oh, you're having your date nights here?
06:48Best pub in forest.
06:49Well, where else would we go?
06:51Fair comment.
06:52So, oh, do you have any previous bar experience?
06:56Eh, no.
06:58Not to worry.
06:59Next question.
07:00Tell me, what do you see here?
07:03Just say what you see.
07:04A moth?
07:06Funny looking moth.
07:07No.
07:08We were looking for Satan himself.
07:10Well, it's interpretive, isn't it?
07:12So, say during your shift the pub catches fire.
07:16Now, you only have time to save one of us.
07:19So who do you save?
07:20Come on, that's a bit difficult.
07:22It's just a bit of fun.
07:23Yeah, there's no right or wrong answer.
07:25I'll make it easy for you.
07:27I'm lying right by the door.
07:28Er, okay, and where's Jen?
07:30She's in the cellar, trapped under a crate of Schweppes.
07:35Right, well, in that case, um, I'd save you, Ian,
07:40because you're by the door.
07:43What about Jen?
07:47Well, I know, but I just thought...
07:49You're burned to a crisp, Richard.
07:51I know, but...
07:52No, it's fine.
07:53I just didn't realise you felt that way about me.
07:55Oh, my love.
07:56No, if you'll excuse me.
07:57I'm sorry, Jen.
07:58I love it.
07:59I love it.
08:02Women and children, Richard.
08:04Everybody knows you saved them first.
08:06Why did you put yourself by the door?
08:07Don't you pin this on me.
08:09Well, just ask me again and I'll say I saved her.
08:11So I've burned to death now.
08:12What do you want me to say?
08:13Thank you for coming in, Mr Pritchard.
08:16We'll be in touch.
08:20Actually, I work here, so you leave.
08:27Ah, yes, sir.
08:28What can I get you?
08:37Who are you texting?
08:39Not that it's any of your business,
08:41but I'm asking Beth if she'd like to come to dinner on Saturday.
08:44If you're adamant about being the right misery guts.
08:48I am.
08:50Well, could you turn off the sounds at least?
08:53Eh?
08:54The key tones.
08:57The sounds of the letters.
08:59The noise you were just making.
09:02Right.
09:04Just press the button on your phone.
09:06What, on this phone?
09:07The phone?
09:07Yes, that phone.
09:11Well, can you hear that?
09:12Hear what?
09:13Ah, for goodness.
09:14Nice.
09:17Key tones silenced.
09:20Try to concentrate over here.
09:21Well, it's all right with you.
09:22I'll just finish texting Beth.
09:23Is that all right?
09:24Mm-hmm.
09:26How do I get an aubergine emoji?
09:29Why?
09:30Because I want to tell her what I'm going to grow in my new greenhouse.
09:33Nice.
09:34Oh.
09:45Morning.
09:46Unbelievable.
09:55Hi, just, I'm looking for some part-time work.
09:58What the fuck is there?
09:59Oh.
10:00No.
10:13Hi there, just wondering if you had any of that sort of way.
10:16Right, okay.
10:17Right, okay.
10:18Okay.
10:21Okay.
10:29I think that might need some WD-40.
10:32Hi, how are you doing?
10:33Um, I was just wondering if I could, uh...
10:36Fine, thanks.
10:38Good.
10:38Uh, yeah, I was just wondering if I could, uh, hand this in to someone.
10:42Can I get the manager?
10:44Great.
10:49Hi.
10:50You're here for the job?
10:52Hi.
10:53Um, yeah.
10:55Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were hiring because there's a closing down sales sign in the window,
10:59but...
11:00Oh, yeah.
11:00It always says that.
11:01Draws people in.
11:03I can do an interview now if you have time.
11:05Uh, yeah.
11:06Yeah.
11:07Wait.
11:09Do I recognise you?
11:10No.
11:11Well, uh, I mean, uh, I was on a TV show on Detective Manners.
11:17It was a bit of a Sunday night staple.
11:18You're the guy from the bed shop?
11:19Also, we might have met once in a bed shop.
11:21Do you and your dad just follow me around from job to job?
11:25Well, I think the question is, why can you not hold down a job?
11:29Yeah, your question was better.
11:31Annoyingly, we are very short staffed at the minute.
11:35Are you outdoorsy at all?
11:37Outdoorsy?
11:37I can't.
11:38Big time.
11:39You know, when I'm not indoors, I tend to be outdoors.
11:47Please, I really need this.
11:49I won't let you down.
11:50I promise.
11:54We do a probationary period for the rest of the week and take it from there.
11:59Seriously?
12:02What's your name?
12:03Richard.
12:03We already have a Richard.
12:05Hi.
12:06You'll have to be Richard too.
12:08Richard, you're Richard one.
12:09Cool.
12:10Any questions?
12:11Can I be Richard one?
12:12No.
12:12Then no.
12:13No further questions.
12:14No further questions.
12:14No further questions, Richard.
12:30No further questions.
12:33No further questions.
12:33No further questions.
12:39No further questions, Richard.
12:41Oh, hi.
12:42Just, er, getting some reps in.
12:46Well, so first you follow me on the socials,
12:48and now you're here for a consultation.
12:50Oh, yeah, no, it's not that, it's just...
12:51Please, sit.
12:56So?
13:00Oh, um...
13:01Yeah, yeah, I'd like to get in shape.
13:05Hmm.
13:07I guess I'm interested, Richard. Can I call you Richard?
13:09Yes, my name.
13:10I guess I'm interested, Richard,
13:11and the first time you looked in the mirror and thought,
13:13hey, who is that guy staring back at me?
13:17That's not the Richard I know.
13:18Well, there was this one time I got lost in the Hall of Mirrors.
13:20What I'm trying to get at is emotionally.
13:24Where are you at, man?
13:25Uh, I... I don't know.
13:28Living at home with my dad, which is tough.
13:31He started peeing with the door open, which isn't great.
13:34Oh, can I just check something about the trainer,
13:38person in gym confidentiality deal?
13:40Oh, um, well, this is a safe space.
13:42Cool.
13:43Okay, so, you're living at home with your dad,
13:45he's urinating publicly.
13:46Continue.
13:47Well, I'm only there because I lost my job.
13:49Well, it's not the only reason I was a bit worried about him
13:52after we lost my mum.
13:53When did you lose your mum?
13:55Um, two and a bit years ago.
13:57Well, okay, let's just pause there.
14:01Um, what was she called?
14:05Jean.
14:06Jean.
14:07She sounds incredible.
14:08Ah.
14:08I lost my dad last year.
14:10His name was Douglas.
14:13You see, Richard, we can only experience grief
14:16if first we experience love.
14:19Yeah, I think I've got a coaster that says roughly the same thing.
14:21The thing is, Richard, how do we move forward from that?
14:27Because all we've got is the future.
14:32What about the present?
14:34It's already in the past.
14:37What about now?
14:38It's gone.
14:40Right.
14:41No?
14:41Gone.
14:42No?
14:42It's gone again.
14:43Yeah, no, I see what you're saying.
14:44What about, like, no.
14:45There is no now.
14:46It's just past.
14:47But that's the point I'm trying to make.
14:49So that's gone too?
14:49Yeah, it's gone, I'm afraid.
14:51Actually, I meant to ask,
14:53how on earth did you and Emily meet?
14:55Well, it's a very funny story, actually.
14:57Um, we met in a supermarket.
15:02That's the end of the story?
15:04Yeah, it's the end of it.
15:04She's a great gal.
15:05Yeah, she really is.
15:07Yeah, and you know what?
15:08You, my friend, are in luck.
15:10Because I actually have had a client drop out,
15:12so I do have a space on my transformation programme.
15:16Okay.
15:17To be honest, Tim, if I can call you that, please.
15:21Money is a bit tight at the moment.
15:22Okay, well, I put it to you, Richard.
15:25How much is it costing you to stay the same?
15:29Well, actually, that's free.
15:30Okay, look, look, you're a friend of Emily's,
15:32and, um, I'm a big fan of hers, obviously.
15:36So how about we just pro bono
15:38whilst you get yourself back on your feet?
15:41What's stopping you now?
15:43I wish I knew.
15:46Welcome.
15:47Hm.
15:54Happy birthday to you
15:57Happy birthday to you
16:00Happy birthday, dear Richard
16:04Happy birthday to you
16:07Thanks.
16:08Hip, hip!
16:09Hooray.
16:10Hip, hip!
16:11These are getting a bit soggy now.
16:12Hip, hip!
16:13Hooray, that's fine for now.
16:15All right, yeah.
16:16Please yourself.
16:16There you go.
16:23Oh, thanks, Dad.
16:25Genuinely.
16:26Now, er, about the rent we talked about?
16:33Ah.
16:36Yes, you have a wee tenner to yourself.
16:38There you go.
16:41How's it feel about paying your own way again, eh?
16:44Eh?
16:44You?
16:45You're moving on up.
16:47Yeah.
16:48Look out, world.
16:58Oh.
16:59Oh.
17:00Oh.
17:03Oh.
17:28I mean, that's Robson Green for you.
17:30When he teamed up with Jill Halfpenny, I felt like it was just a riot.
17:33I mean, they're real jokers.
17:35I don't know who any of these people are.
17:37They're my co-stars on Detective Manners.
17:40You did ask.
17:41No, I didn't.
17:42No.
17:43No, yeah, no, you didn't.
17:45It's my birthday today.
17:47I must be wanting to relive the glory days.
17:50Happy birthday.
17:51What are you, like, 40?
17:54Couldn't you have guessed lower?
17:55What are you doing for it?
17:56Nothing much.
17:57Keeping it low-key.
17:58Could you buy me and my mates some cider?
18:01What?
18:01Why can't you buy it?
18:03I'm 17.
18:04We'd let you have a can.
18:05We're hanging out at the duck pond later.
18:07Yeah, thanks, but I'm not spending my 40th with teenagers drinking cider at the duck pond.
18:12Right, Grandad, chill out.
18:13How you getting on, Richard, too?
18:15Settling in?
18:16Yeah, yeah.
18:17Richard one, showing you the ropes.
18:19Oh, no, I forgot we also sell ropes.
18:22Made any sales yet?
18:23Well, not yet, but I will.
18:26No time like the present.
18:27Richard!
18:29Richard, you work here.
18:32Me?
18:32I wouldn't have thought so.
18:33Yes, he does.
18:34Well, yeah, technically, I do, but I'm actually just researching a role.
18:43It's like an outdoorsy, rugged type.
18:45It's called camp man.
18:48A camp man?
18:49No, camp man.
18:50You say it quickly.
18:51Come on.
18:53Richard here can help you with anything you're looking for today.
18:59I'm still waiting for your morning run data, Richard.
19:02Yeah, sorry.
19:02I forgot to download the app.
19:04So you're telling me you don't know your elevation gain?
19:07What are you two whispering about?
19:09Nothing.
19:11So, how can I help you?
19:13Well, we're going to Avymor in a few weeks.
19:15I wanted a 10k.
19:16And we just thought we'd do some wild camping afterwards,
19:19so we are looking for your best two-person tent.
19:21A two-person tent for you and Emily?
19:23No, for Ant and Dec.
19:25Did we not mention they were coming to you?
19:27Well, actually, we're out of two-person tents.
19:30Oh, what about those?
19:33No, I wouldn't go near them.
19:34They're not up to it.
19:34Sorry, can I just...
19:35Is everything okay?
19:37We're looking for a two-person tent.
19:38Do you know what?
19:39We could go elsewhere.
19:40No, no, no need.
19:41Please follow me.
19:42We have some lovely two-person tents.
19:44Or have you considered these very roomy one-person tents?
19:49The customers have asked for a two-person tent.
19:52Yeah, I know, but these ones are the buy one, go on free.
19:56No, they're not.
19:57I know they're not.
19:58That's right, but they could be.
19:59Richard too.
19:59Why don't you pop into the back and do a quick stock take?
20:03Okay, you win.
20:04Right, 80% off, final offer.
20:06Get out.
20:07What?
20:07You heard me.
20:08You're fired.
20:10Fine.
20:12Unbelievable.
20:16Just trying to get my jacket.
20:25Just trying to get your neck to it.
20:34Plenty of water on your hands, just ease that clay out.
20:38When you feel you've made...
20:43Eh, so, what do you think?
20:48You're too smart, is it?
20:50Not great, Dad.
20:55Everything OK?
20:57OK.
20:58Bit nervous.
21:00Well, it's just a dinner with a nice lady who you've got a lot in common with.
21:04Eh.
21:07Will you come with me?
21:08No.
21:11Please?
21:13Absolutely not.
21:14I'm going to start her, then leave him, OK?
21:18Hello, eh, table for Pritchard.
21:21Pritchard?
21:22One X, I'm afraid.
21:24You made me come.
21:27I'm the man that called about the lasagna.
21:29Ah, yes, I remember you.
21:31The rest of your party's actually already here.
21:34Party?
21:40Oh, I'm going to kill you when we get home.
21:42If I don't kill myself first.
21:44Oh, don't be such a magic!
21:50So, did you get a tent in the end?
21:52Oh, yeah.
21:54Thanks.
21:55I should get a 50% commission.
21:59What's funny?
22:00It's just what Richard said.
22:03I adore humour.
22:06I can't believe we're all here.
22:08I had one foot out the door, and then all of a sudden, I just got so nervous.
22:14I'm glad you did too, Ken, and it wasn't just me.
22:18It's silly, isn't it?
22:20Personally, I wish we could get rid of them now.
22:22I'll leave.
22:24Just sit where you are.
22:26How are you, Ken?
22:27Eamon Holmes.
22:28What?
22:29Yeah, that will happen.
22:31I was watching an episode of Detective Manners today, Richard.
22:35You were in it.
22:36Right.
22:37Say again?
22:38No, you were just saying about...
22:39What about?
22:40I'm in Detective Manners.
22:41Don't boast, Richard.
22:43I'm not boasting.
22:43Yes, it was the gay one, you know.
22:45The one where the gay woman kills the gay man because she's jealous he got to direct the play for
22:50the village fair.
22:51Oh, yeah, but I don't think them being gay had anything to do with...
22:54Say again, sir?
22:55Don't mumble, Richard.
22:56I'm not mumbling.
22:57Oh, I'm mumbling.
22:59Sorry about that, Beth.
23:00Carry on.
23:00What was that?
23:01Hello, what did you say?
23:02Oh, by the way, did you manage to gather all your ingredients for batch cooking tomorrow?
23:06Batch cooking?
23:09Oh, yeah.
23:10Maybe I shouldn't say.
23:12Say what?
23:15Richard has signed up as a new client.
23:18Richard has.
23:19What, this Richard?
23:20Oh, and remember, I need that video of you cooking.
23:24I'm not going to send you a video of me cooking.
23:26Look, Richard, I need that video because otherwise you can't be held accountable.
23:31And if I can't hold you accountable, then I can't help you transform for who you were to, well, to
23:36who you want to...
23:39Third one be.
23:40Oh, oh, oh, mm-hmm.
23:44I thought I needed...
23:46Do you know what, Tim, you're a lovely guy, but I quit.
23:49Right, it's not you, it's me.
23:51Well, it is a bit you, but...
23:53I think the problem is I thought I needed a plan B, but I just forgot that when you have
23:59a plan A, you just have to make it work.
24:01I mean, I shouldn't be selling tents, you know?
24:03You don't.
24:04You got fired.
24:05Well, yeah, exactly.
24:06But no, no, that's exactly it because the universe knows that is not my path.
24:09My path is to find truth via performance.
24:13That's what my path is.
24:16Yeah, I don't need a sabbatical.
24:18I need an audition, and that is what I'm going to do.
24:21So, yeah.
24:23Cheers.
24:24Cheers to me, just me, is it?
24:25That's all right.
24:26Okay, well, here is to life beginning at a 40.
24:33You mean 42, right?
24:36What?
24:37I mean, how does this happen?
24:39I'm your only child, but it'd kill you to know how old I am.
24:43Don't blame me.
24:44I'm a pensioner.
24:45What's your excuse?
24:46Well, every actor does it.
24:48You shave off a year or two.
24:49Yeah, well, I think you're meant to keep track of the actual number in your head.
24:52Let's just think about this logically, okay?
24:55When was 1984?
24:57I just don't believe this.
24:59I realise life begins at 40, at 42.
25:01Well, on the plus side, some people think life begins at 50, so less time to wait.
25:07If it cheers you up, Richard, I'll put your birthday into the Google machine.
25:11Oh, you know, on the online.
25:13And it said you have the same birthday as Audrey Hepburn.
25:16Oh.
25:17Oh.
25:18And Michael Barrymore.
25:21Oh.
25:22What do you think happened there, then, Richard?
25:36Iain?
25:37Jen?
25:43We've talked it through, and we see now.
25:45Although what you said was very hurtful.
25:48It was a hypothetical situation, and you didn't actually leave me to perish.
25:52No.
25:53Of course not.
25:55Aye.
25:56Water under the bridge.
25:57Which would hopefully put out the fire.
26:00Now, in our look, we'd end up both drowning in the...
26:05You deserve in that scenario, Richard.
26:10Just go, Richard.
26:11I'm sorry.
26:18I'm sorry.
26:19Mira Cial guest starred in four episodes in total.
26:25And she's just a fantastic performer.
26:28Incredibly versatile.
26:31Oh, buddy, buddy.
26:32Sorry.
26:33Can you not do that?
26:34It's got zero nutritional value for them.
26:38Who the hell's this guy?
26:40Who the hell's this guy?
26:41Me.
26:43I'm sorry.
26:44I'm sorry.
27:06I'm sorry.
27:09I'm sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
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