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  • 11 hours ago
Smoggie Queens S02E03-4
Transcript
00:14Dickey, we've been sat in silence for over half an hour and I was staring at the back of Gary's
00:18head.
00:19I've nearly done burbs.
00:24Okie dokie, and there we have it.
00:28And that is how you do drag makeup to a professional standard.
00:33Thank you for volunteering, Gary.
00:35I don't actually remember volunteering.
00:37Ok, so now that Gary is the drag queen, he's going to need a drag queen name.
00:43So I'm going to look at Gary and tell me what you think his drag name would be.
00:48Any suggestions?
00:51Donner kebab.
00:53It's good, Harrison, but it's not the one.
00:57Trish kebab.
00:58No.
01:00Claire kebab?
01:02No, nothing to do with kebabs.
01:03No, in actual fact, Gary's official drag name would be Sue Syphilis.
01:12Yeah, there we go.
01:16Well, thank you all for coming today and I guess I'll see you all tonight at the first ever LGBTQ
01:23plus network social.
01:25And remember, it's the Wizard of Oz theme, so I want to see an effort please.
01:30Sorry, Dicky, is it compulsory?
01:33Only if you're not homophobic.
01:36Any more questions?
01:38Yeah, I've got a question.
01:39Why is there no straight network?
01:41What?
01:42It's the same with gay pride.
01:44You know, there's no straight pride, so why do you need a gay pride?
01:49I want to know why we need pride, Trev.
01:52I'll tell you.
01:53We need pride because queer people are being persecuted for decades.
01:59We need it because we still can't walk down the street holding the hands of the people we love without
02:05looking over our shoulders in case there's someone there to beat the shit out of us.
02:08We need it because trans people's very existence is still being debated.
02:13And we need it because in certain parts of the world there are literally people getting stoned to death just
02:19for being gay.
02:21Pride isn't just a gay party, Trev.
02:24It's a fight.
02:26A fight for our right to simply exist!
02:32Alright, I get all of that bollocks but if you want equality like you say you do then surely there
02:37should be a straight network?
02:39You what?
02:40A straight network?
02:42Set one up yourself then, Trev.
02:44Set one up yourself. Go for your lives if I care.
02:46Alright then I will.
02:47I'll set one up.
02:48And it'll actually be fun, not just boring lectures.
02:51Oh, I'll join.
02:52And me.
02:54Excuse me!
02:55Did you not just hear my impassioned gay speech?
02:58Yeah.
02:59What are you wearing tonight then?
03:04Well...
03:05I'm here for a good time, not a long time, so make me feel alive, come on.
03:12And it's for a good time, not a long time, so make me feel alive, come on.
03:19And it's for a good time, not a long time, come on, make me feel alive, come on.
03:40Just a night exhibition at Mima in the morning.
03:45Right, well my DJ set's about to start upstairs in a couple of minutes. Any special requests?
03:50Anything by Enya please, ma'am.
03:52Ooh, can I borrow these earrings, sticky hut?
03:55Oh, er, afraid not babes.
03:58Yeah, why?
03:58Last time you borrowed my jewellery, you lost it.
04:01What you even on about?
04:02My heart of the ocean necklace, you threw it in the river.
04:05You were the one who threw it in the river.
04:06Regardless, of who threw it in the river, I'm now left without a heart.
04:09Oh, stop fighting, you two!
04:12You know what time it is?
04:13You know what time is it, ma'am?
04:14It's time we put on our ruby slippers, clicked our heels, and got to the emerald friggin' city!
04:19Yeah!
04:20Yeah!
04:21Yeah!
04:22Yeah!
04:25Yeah!
04:51Fuck me, I've gone blind.
04:55I have a feeling we're not in Borough anymore.
04:58Sorry I'm late.
04:59I'm surprised to see you, Elaine, after you called in sick today.
05:03Oh, right.
05:09Mama needs some medicine.
05:22Excuse me.
05:23Sorry.
05:24You scared me.
05:26Oh!
05:27No way!
05:28Can I ask what you've come as?
05:30Erm, yeah.
05:33I meant to be the scarecrow.
05:36I'm afraid that's impossible.
05:39Because I'm the scarecrow.
05:41Well, I guess there might be a few scarecrow tonight, you know, with the whole Wizard of Oz theme.
05:47Over my dead fucking mind.
05:50Right.
05:52I just need to go...
05:53Yeah.
06:03Er, Penny?
06:05What the fucking hell's this?
06:06Just got another booking in.
06:08One of it.
06:08Don't think it's a bit inappropriate to take a booking for a straight network in a gay bar?
06:12I don't mind straight people me babes.
06:14Some of my best mates are straight.
06:20Er, what are you doing, Trev?
06:22This is a gay bar.
06:24You've literally got every slug and lettuce in the world to do your straight network event.
06:27It's a free equal country, isn't it?
06:30Besides, don't you know what date is today?
06:32No.
06:32I don't know what date is today.
06:34I don't know what date is today.
06:34It's only really straight pride.
06:36Wahey!
06:37Ahhhh!
06:39Dickhead.
06:55Still feeling sick, Elaine?
06:58Yes.
06:58I'm feeling sick.
07:00Sick of the third degree.
07:01I'm feeling sick.
07:03Wooahhhh!
07:04Is everybody having an absolutely incredible time at the LGBTQ++4 show?
07:12Okay.
07:12Er, well, it's about to get even better.
07:18Conga!
07:20Turn on.
07:27Turn on.
07:33Turn on.
07:41Turn on.
07:52Turn on.
07:55This is the furthest conga I've ever been involved in.
08:05It's not too late to join the Land of Oz, Trev.
08:08I'm all good in Kansas, thanks mate.
08:11It's not fair.
08:13Hey Neil, it's conga.
08:15Ooh, conga.
08:17All right Trev.
08:18Now then Neil, happy straight pride.
08:21Was it straight pride today?
08:23I wonder what we cargo shorts have had realised.
08:26Here you go hon.
08:27Now then Lucinda, always a pleasure.
08:29Pleasure.
08:30I take it you've told her then mate.
08:31Told me what?
08:32Oops, my bad.
08:34Told me what?
08:35Well, well then.
08:36Well you might as well just show her now.
08:38Come on.
08:40Are you actually kidding me?
08:43Lucinda, it's not what he looks like.
08:45It's a tattoo of your ex's name.
08:47Okay, it is kind of what it looks like.
08:49But I didn't choose it.
08:50We were playing Tattoo Roulette.
08:52What the hell is Tattoo Roulette?
08:54Oh, it's hilarious.
08:55You'd love it.
08:56You secretly choose a tattoo from me.
08:58Then they have to get it tattooed onto them.
09:00Obviously he didn't know what it was until I saw it.
09:03Why on earth would you get him a tattoo of his ex's name?
09:05Well, if I'm being completely honest.
09:07I just think that Neil and Tanya are more suited to each other.
09:10You're not helping Trev.
09:12It was a game.
09:13Very stupid game.
09:15Look, I had to get him one as well.
09:19Well, that's a really nice one.
09:20Thank you very much.
09:22Why didn't you get him a massive one right across his back of like a big turd?
09:26Or a hairy ball sack?
09:28Or a roaring toenail?
09:29Or a deer that's been run over by a lorry and it's got to splatter all over the road
09:32and all the baby deer sat around the corpse crying!
09:37I guess I didn't really think.
09:39Lucinda, please.
09:40Oh, let her go, mate.
09:42Look, if she can't take a small tattoo of your ex's name, then she's not worth it.
09:46Hey, now that you're single, do you want me to see if Tanya will go for a drink with you?
09:49Not cool, Trev.
09:53Lucinda, please.
09:53I keep dancing on my own.
09:59I keep dancing on my own.
10:03Sapphires!
10:05I can feel the energy tonight and I freaking love it!
10:10Now, I'm here all night, so any requests?
10:13Come and see your mum.
10:15Anything goes as long as it's camp and tears!
10:33Get up there, you bastard!
10:39Hey!
10:42What's happened to me dicks?
10:48I...
10:49am...
10:51horse!
10:53Penny?
10:54What's going on?
10:56Where are my heterosexuals at tonight?
11:03We're here!
11:05We're straight!
11:06We're really fucking rich!
11:10I recognise that voice!
11:15Stop where you are!
11:17Back away from the counter!
11:20Counter!
11:23Prides!
11:29Happy straight pride, bitches!
11:35Nan, my man!
11:36Thank you so much for stepping in last minute for straight pride!
11:40Anything for a good cause!
11:42Flower!
11:43What the hell are you doing here?
11:45I've got a DJ gig!
11:47A girl's gotta wait!
11:48And see!
11:49It's impossible!
11:49I've been fucked a DJ the whole night!
11:51The world doesn't revolve around you!
11:54Even though there is a gravitational pull around that big fat arse-y-hull!
11:59Stop!
12:00Ah!
12:00Ah!
12:01Ah!
12:02Ah!
12:05It's bad!
12:07What the hell is she doing, Penny?
12:09I thought I was the only DJ on tonight!
12:11Don't get me involved, ma'am!
12:12I'm not gonna be the biggin!
12:13That should sound straight pride!
12:15Ah!
12:19Right then, you fucking legends!
12:22Happy straight pride!
12:24The drinks are on me tonight!
12:26And help yourself to a badge!
12:28Ooh!
12:32Hey!
12:33That's a lot of badges, Alain!
12:34What are you, the badge police?
12:36The fuck, Gary?
12:38I'm not gonna be the only one to the death of the brave-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
12:42-y-y!
12:49What are you, the trunks?
12:54I'm not gonna be the only one to the right-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y
12:57-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y?
13:08How are you feeling about Trev taking over your social event and showing everyone a much better time?
13:13Surprisingly not great, Moira.
13:15Well, I'll sit with you for a bit, out of pity.
13:18But Trev said we're playing beer pong soon and I've genuinely never felt more excited.
13:23Wow, I'm eternally grateful, babes.
13:26Hey Moira, you in on this beer pong or what?
13:30Go on then, pissed off.
13:35You, er, you're not joining the beer pong over to Trev Pride, Marcus.
13:39No, no, no, I'm not a big beer drinker really.
13:42Oh, how's your gay son getting on?
13:46Oh, he's still gay, thank you.
13:48Ah, that's good.
13:51Mind if I join? Where have you been?
13:54Blame Bobby. Love's making me late.
13:58Loving the costume.
14:00What are you meant to be?
14:02I'm a slutty tin man.
14:04I'm a suit chef.
14:06What are you up to, Harrison? Why are you being nice to me?
14:08I'm just being friendly.
14:12Also, if I'm being honest, I'm so bored of the awkwardness between us.
14:17We see each other every day at work.
14:20Isn't it time we put all this behind us now?
14:23I suppose you're right.
14:25Yeah, do you remember that night we came here and there was that gadget singing Defying Gravity on the karaoke?
14:30And when he went for the i-notice, then just popped out.
14:33Oh my, that was funny as fuck.
14:35I was dying.
14:41How are you then, babe?
14:42I wanna go dance.
14:50Woah, ho-ho-ho!
14:53Woah, ho-ho-ho!
14:55Stop it!
14:55Stop, lad!
14:56Do it!
15:01You're a scraggly little gay lad.
15:02Why are you at straight pride?
15:04Sorry Dicky.
15:05Turns out I just really love the a-pong.
15:08Straight pride is for everyone, Dicky.
15:10All lives matter.
15:12No, no, boys.
15:19And another thing, there's bloody green face paint everywhere upstairs.
15:24She's not even a very good DJ.
15:26I bet you she plays Sweet Caroline at least five times tonight.
15:30And you know what really pisses me off?
15:35Firstly, I want to apologise.
15:38No, let me just start by saying I know what I did was wrong, but just hear me out.
15:46I know I'm the last person you want to see, but...
15:55Get this lot down your neck!
15:58As long as you are in my network, you won't pay a penny for a drink tonight!
16:03Yeah!
16:04Hey, I tell you what.
16:06You wouldn't get this in the gear network, would you?
16:15Listen up, everyone.
16:19Somebody in this bar tonight has stolen my luck.
16:23There's only one scarecrow and it's me.
16:28But what's standing there is a break!
16:33Shame on you.
16:45Look!
16:46Any scary scarecrows in there?
16:49Look.
16:51He's not here.
16:53You alright, Sal?
16:54What are you doing down here?
16:55Tell you the truth, I'm a bit stressed about Danny.
16:59I know I need to break up with her, but...
17:01Every time I try to do it, something stops me.
17:05I'm such a coward.
17:07Hey, you're not a coward, Sal.
17:10It'd be hard for anyone in your situation.
17:12You've been with her for years.
17:13I just wish I had a bit more courage.
17:17You have plenty of courage, Sal.
17:20And if I learned anything from coming out,
17:22it's that the more you think about doing something scary,
17:26the longer you'll put it off.
17:38You know what, Stu?
17:40I think I just found it.
17:42What?
17:42My courage.
17:43It was at the bottom of that ninth pint.
17:45I'm going to go and do it now before I chicken out.
17:48Go on, Sal.
17:49I'm buzzing for you.
17:52You coming back up?
17:53No, I think I'll just stay down here for a bit.
17:55Soak yourself, Berb.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:07Actually, I think I might head back up.
18:12Don't be scared, don't be scared, don't be scared.
18:19Don't be scared, don't be scared.
18:22Erm, sorry, Gary.
18:25I thought you said you were having a nice time
18:26at the LGBTQ plus network social.
18:29So why on earth have you come over here?
18:31Oh, sorry, Dicky.
18:32I just had there was free drinks in this area
18:34and, well, money's a bit tight at the moment.
18:37Yeah, I don't need to stop.
18:38Sorry, Gary.
18:39I need an ally.
18:40Oi!
18:41Leave him alone.
18:42Gary wants to be over here.
18:44Isn't that right, Gary?
18:45Well, erm...
18:46He's only over here because you're bribing him with free drinks.
18:49He'd prefer to be over there.
18:51Isn't that right, Gary?
18:52Well, I just feel that maybe I could move between both areas.
18:56Get off.
18:56Nah.
18:57Sorry, impossible, I'm afraid.
19:16Gay...
19:16Gay or straight?
19:17Sorry?
19:18Gay or straight?
19:21Oh, erm...
19:22Well, I'm very much an ally.
19:25But I suppose I'm straight.
19:27Straight pirates at the back of the room.
19:30Oh, well, actually, I was just looking for someone.
19:40But I won't get one for you. You want to do some mixes tonight, babes?
19:42Oh, no, I'm OK, thanks.
19:52He wants to be in the gay network, don't you, Gary?
19:55No, he wants to be in the gay network, don't you, Gary?
19:58I don't mind either way!
20:03Dance, my pretties!
20:10Dumbly, you bastard!
20:29Dumbly, you bastard!
20:31Is everyone feeling...
20:34HETERAL...
20:36TONIGHT?
20:58Hey!
20:59Pack it in!
21:01You two are going to have to decide amongst yourselves who's DJing, because I'm not having this all night!
21:07Well, it's my face on the poster, so she can just fickety-fuckety all the way home.
21:12I've been booked for this important charity event,
21:14which helps support the poor, unfortunate heterosexuals at Teesside.
21:19So I think we can all agree who should stay and who should go.
21:26Ta-ta, ma'am.
21:32What the bloody hell is she doing here?
21:34Please talk to me.
21:36There's nothing to talk about.
21:38You took my son away from me.
21:40No, you can't keep running away.
21:49It's not what it sounds like.
21:53Who's for sweet Caroline?
21:58Do you want a shot for a fiver babe?
22:01No.
22:03I think I should probably go, actually.
22:05I think I should go.
22:05Ah, suit yourself.
22:30You're okay, Flower?
22:41Hey, get some of that!
22:51Tread, a word please.
22:54You're doing this on purpose.
22:56What was that, mate?
22:57Trying to overshadow my LGBTQ plus network store shell.
23:00I don't know what you're talking about, Dicky.
23:01It's quite simply a massive coincidence that you've decided to host your gay event
23:06at the same place that we happen to be celebrating STRIP RIDE.
23:09You're a liar, Trev.
23:10You're just doing this because you can't bear us gays having a voice.
23:13It's got nothing to do with the gays, Dicky.
23:16I love the gays, me.
23:17What's the point in all this pettiness?
23:20It's you, mate.
23:22Me?
23:23You think you can rinse around the office controlling everyone,
23:27making us call your stupid little meetings,
23:28forcing us to hear pathetic little things?
23:31What's who can play in that game, man?
23:43What's the matter, babes?
23:45You ordered a few too many, er, rides?
23:49I think it's going late.
23:50I think it's better.
23:53Penny!
23:54We've got to run it!
24:04Fuckin' hell.
24:05Pay up, prick!
24:08Ow!
24:12You smell wonderful, Elaine.
24:15You keep stepping on my feet.
24:17Sorry!
24:17No. I like it. Don't smile, Carrie. It's creepy.
24:27Jesus Christ! Get me Wallah! Get me Wallah!
24:35Hey, what a bloody night. How you feeling, Mum?
24:39I don't really know, to be honest, Chick.
24:41Do you think it's worth hearing what she has to say?
24:44I don't really know, to be honest, Chick.
24:46Why do you think she's back?
24:47Oh, she doesn't really know. Leave her be.
24:53What happened with the other scarecrow, Stuart? That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?
24:57He, um, not sure. I think he must have left before we did.
25:01Oh, Sal. Oh, Sal.
25:05How'd it go?
25:07I mean, it wasn't great, lads, but it's done.
25:11Sorry, Sal, can I just check? You, er, you went and broke up with Danny dressed like that.
25:15Yeah?
25:17Good for you, girl!
25:19Are you, er, sleeping here tonight?
25:22If you don't mind, Mum.
25:23Of course not, Chick. You can stay as long as you like.
25:28Hey, do you know what's funny?
25:30What?
25:31Stuart went really method tonight with his scarecrow costume.
25:33You know what's funny?
25:34Because...
25:35Because he doesn't have a brain.
25:39I... I don't get it.
25:41You know, like the film.
25:43Oh, I've actually never seen it.
25:45Very reluctant indeed.
25:47You've been fed away, er, sleeping down the loft, the coast, everywhere else that you can...
25:52Oh!
25:58Ha ha, very funny.
26:01Can you let me in now, please?
26:05Dickie?
26:07Mum?
26:20Nipple Aid, a charity football match.
26:23Semi-professionals versus celebrities.
26:25The celebrities include Cher, Prince Harry, Liza Minnelli, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.
26:31They're lookalikes.
26:32Be there.
26:34When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
26:46Ooh, I love the ripe stench of a football ground.
26:51Sniff it in.
26:53Smells a bit funky, ma'am.
26:55Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
26:57Reminds me of my days managing in the big leagues.
27:00Oh, God, I miss it.
27:01You're managing a team today, though.
27:03I know, chick.
27:04But managing celebrity lookalikes in a charity match.
27:07Sadly, at the Riverside Stadium.
27:09Oh, dear.
27:18What the bloody hell have you two come as?
27:20I'm glad you've asked, ma'am, as it's a fascinating story.
27:24So, remember when we all went to Yarm Fair last year?
27:26Oh, yeah.
27:27Well, me and Lucinda popped and got our fortunes read.
27:30Yeah, and she told us both separately that we were going to marry a footballer and become wags.
27:34Hey, it was a Gypsy Rose Pam.
27:35Oh, my God, yeah.
27:37I love that bitch.
27:38She actually told me the same thing.
27:40Hey, no way.
27:41I can't believe there's going to be three wags in our friendship group.
27:44Have you maybe thought that she tells the same shit to everyone?
27:46Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.
27:49Anyway, as you know, we don't frequent football matches very much.
27:54So, there's a very good chance this is the day we meet our footballer husbands.
27:58That's what we thought. Best dress for the occasion.
28:01Yeah, and this outfit is also very good for my signature picking up lads move.
28:06Oh, yeah.
28:06What move is that?
28:07I'll show you.
28:10You place the brick near the lad you fancy.
28:14And then...
28:16Oh!
28:17Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:20Ouchie!
28:20Who put that brick there?
28:22And then the lad will help you roll and start a conversation about the brick.
28:28Oh!
28:29Oh!
28:30Stuart's here!
28:30Hello!
28:31You alright?
28:32Oh, he's looking a bit better than usual.
28:33Has he had a bit of Vortox?
28:36Oh!
28:37What's with the stomach churning costume, Stu?
28:39Well, I'm...
28:41Ozzy the Octopus!
28:43Oh!
28:44He's the mascot for the charity match.
28:46I pulled a few strings to get him in.
28:48It's something I've always wanted to do.
28:49I'm proper buzzing.
28:53Now then, Mum.
28:54Ooh!
28:55Owen Chick!
28:56Mwah!
28:57Mwah!
28:57Baby, it's true.
29:00You're the one that I've been here waiting for.
29:04Yes, you know it better is true.
29:07It's all good to see you.
29:07Oh, you too.
29:08I'm not going to see you in the players' times later, yeah?
29:10Absolutely, Chick.
29:11It'll last him a bit.
29:12Yeah, in a bit.
29:13What's up?
29:13Brickle, yeah?
29:15Erm, who was that, Mum?
29:17That was Owen Shennington.
29:19Oh, he's a very talented player.
29:21Very sturdy thighs.
29:22Adam's Apple out, too.
29:24He's playing for the semi-pros today.
29:25Oh, God.
29:27Gypsy Rose Pam was right.
29:29It was love at first sight.
29:32Dickie Shennington.
29:34He's got a ring to it.
29:35Erm, this is a bit awkward, hon,
29:37but I think that one was for me.
29:39Oh, my...
29:42Erm...
29:42Sorry, I think you mistaken Lucinda
29:44because he was very much looking at me.
29:47Wanna bet?
29:48Yeah, but do actually.
29:49Tennis says he's the love of my life.
29:51Make it twenty?
29:52Make it fifty, bitch!
29:53Deal?
29:53Deal!
29:53Deal!
30:00Hola, Mum.
30:02Hola, Pablo.
30:03Que tan ilusinado estas hoy.
30:06Verás que divertido sera el partido.
30:10Tengo mucha ilusión.
30:12Pues venga.
30:13Cuidado con ese ladrillo.
30:16Er...
30:16Mam?
30:18Who was that?
30:19Pablo Corfeil.
30:21Lovely Spanish fella.
30:22Very good in defense.
30:26What, you sound staring at?
30:28I don't know what to tell you this, babe,
30:29but you and Pablo Corzello are the spit of each other.
30:32Eee!
30:33Now you've come to mention it,
30:35there is a bit of a similarity.
30:36A bit?
30:38Howie, then.
30:38Let's go to the players' lounge.
30:40Your mother needs a sherry.
30:41Yay!
30:57All right, Mum.
30:59How are you, the chick?
30:59How are you getting on?
31:00How are you still with Kelly?
31:01She dumped me.
31:02Oh, fuck her.
31:03Tell us.
31:07Sorry, hon.
31:08We're just with her.
31:08Only people involved in the charity match are allowed in the lounge today.
31:11Oh, er...
31:12We are involved in the charity match.
31:14Oh, apologies.
31:16So how was it exactly that you were involved?
31:19Erm...
31:19Well, er...
31:20I'm actually the spouse of one of the players.
31:23You probably know him.
31:24Er...
31:25Owen Shennington.
31:26Yeah, I'm...
31:26I'm Dickie Shennington.
31:28Oh, aye.
31:29So what position does he play?
31:32Come again?
31:33Well, if you know Owen so well,
31:34you'll be able to tell me what position he is.
31:37Yeah.
31:39Erm...
31:40Versatile?
31:42Lads.
31:43I don't think we're getting any of you.
31:45Let's just go to the bar and the stands.
31:46I'm gagging for a Bev.
31:48I'm not missing my chance to become Teesside's number one wagon.
31:51You do you, Bev.
31:54Listen.
31:55Listen.
31:56I get that you don't want to let scum like that in.
32:01But I'm a classy girl.
32:03I recently got back from...
32:07Balmoral.
32:08Not today, love.
32:10How educated.
32:14Welcome, charity match fans.
32:16My name's Geoff Stelling.
32:17I'm here with the incomparable Chris Tamara
32:20and the unsurpassable Steph McGovern.
32:23We're down here, live at Pitchside,
32:25for this year's charity game
32:26in support of nipple aids.
32:28That's right.
32:29Your donations will help people across the globe
32:31who are born with extra nipples.
32:34A charity close to my heart.
32:36Literally.
32:37I have a third nipple.
32:39Just here.
32:41Cami, how many nipples have you got?
32:42Just the one, Geoff!
32:44Nipple aids.
32:45Not everyone has two.
32:48Ooh.
32:49Hiya, chick.
32:49Where you all at?
32:50There is a lovely spread on in here.
32:53Ma'am.
32:54This job's worth on the door
32:55isn't letting us into the lounge.
32:56Is Owen in there?
32:58Er, he is, chick.
32:59Can you just tell him from me then?
33:01I miss him.
33:02And they will be together soon.
33:05Ooh, the quality of these sownies.
33:07It's better than friggin' Marxies.
33:09You what?
33:11Oh.
33:13Oh.
33:14Well, what did she say?
33:16Something about sandwiches.
33:17But I'm sure that when word reaches Owen
33:19that the love of his life is stuck in the corridor
33:21it'll come straight out.
33:22Do you really think I'm the love of his life?
33:24He's talking about me, Lucinda.
33:26You're really getting on my tits today.
33:28Well, you're really getting on my tits.
33:29What was he, lad?
33:30How you doing?
33:31Get yourself in there.
33:33Look!
33:33He's just like stewing.
33:37We need to somehow get that octopus costume.
33:40That's the only way we're going to get in this piggin' lounge
33:42with that shit rag bouncy.
33:43Yeah, but how are we going to get the costume?
33:44Stuart's wearing it.
33:47Follow me.
33:52Sal!
33:53Oh, hiya, little babe.
33:55Didn't expect to see you here.
33:56I never miss a charity match, me.
33:58Do you mind if I join?
33:59Yeah, of course.
34:03You're looking amazing, Sal.
34:05You're like proper glowing.
34:06Have you got a new skincare routine?
34:08No different than my usual saltwater and marjorie.
34:11I do feel different though, to be honest.
34:14Kind of like a weight's been lifted.
34:17Oh, that's good.
34:18Is there any reason?
34:20Well, yeah, actually.
34:22I broke up with Danny.
34:24Oh.
34:27Oh.
34:32I've never done this before, but would you maybe like to, I dunno, go out for a drink sometime?
34:41Babe, you were so right to bring me to this place.
34:45What a shithole.
34:46I'm going to be able to get so much content.
34:48Oh, it's you.
34:50Sorry, I forgot to mention Arabella's here.
34:53Room for a little one.
34:55You know, now that we've started seeing each other now, I think that I'm going to start saying that I'm
35:01working class.
35:02It's probably going to get me more work, am I right?
35:07Oh, I have limited opportunities.
35:11You know, now you lot have said about Lucinda and Pablo Kov.
35:14Hey, you're looking like each other.
35:16I can't unsee it.
35:18Liza Minnelli.
35:19She'll shoot off down the wing without the ball.
35:21It's proper uncanny, isn't it?
35:23Cress me in his.
35:24Oh!
35:25Oh!
35:28Oh!
35:29Huh?
35:30Huh?
35:38Emergency.
35:46Why the hell weren't you answering your phone, Stuart?
35:49I'm working, Lucinda.
35:50It's in my locker.
35:51What's the emergency?
35:52We've got something really important to tell you.
35:55What is it?
35:57Not here.
36:03Tell me what's going on.
36:05You're scaring me.
36:06We need your octopus outfit, hon.
36:07But why?
36:08I'm Aussie the octopus.
36:09It's the only way we can get into the players' lounge.
36:11Why do you need to go to the players' lounge?
36:13My future husband is in there.
36:14No, my future husband is in there.
36:17Hey!
36:18Please!
36:19Right, come on.
36:20Come on, Stuart.
36:21It's best if you don't struggle.
36:23A bit!
36:24You should have lost the part in your back.
36:27My head!
36:28Mine!
36:29Well, if you've never watched a charity match before, I suppose we'd better explain a little
36:33about what you're going to expect today, Steph.
36:35Yeah, it's dead simple, Jeff.
36:37It's basically semi-professional footballers versus celebrity look-alikes.
36:41And they have a big ol' game of footy.
36:43Cam, are you excited about today's game?
36:45No, not really.
37:08Hello, Sir Elton John.
37:10How's your husband, David Furnish?
37:13Oh, no.
37:14It's actually me.
37:16It's Neil!
37:18I would never have known.
37:19Well, I did hear on the grapevine that you're managing us look-alikes today, ma'am.
37:23I am indeed.
37:24I didn't know you impersonated, Sir Elton.
37:26I mainly do the earlier hits.
37:29I'm Melton John, I'm Melton John, and I think I'm going to eat a scone.
37:33You're such a selfish prick.
37:35Oi, get off!
37:37Dickie, give me my costume back.
37:38I was really looking forward to being the mascot today.
37:41Oh, keep your hair on, Stuart.
37:42I'll get it back to you before the match starts.
37:44Don't believe you.
37:46Oh, Stuart, get off me!
37:50Dickie!
37:50No!
37:53Dickie!
37:54Time to get my man.
37:58Dickie Shennington, here I come.
38:00Can I help?
38:03Dickie?
38:05Hello?
38:06I'm a size six.
38:08I know.
38:08I'm a bit of a minx.
38:10Oh!
38:12How are you getting on, Stuart?
38:16Hi.
38:17You've grown.
38:18Here.
38:19I've got to try these sarnies.
38:24There he is.
38:27Ma'am, I was just wondering, is Lucinda here?
38:31She's here somewhere, aye.
38:33I might see if I can find her.
38:35See if she'll hear me out.
38:37Don't be too long, Neil.
38:39I've got to give all you weird celebrity look-alikes a pep talk before the game starts.
38:44Listen, that is not Elton John.
38:47It's just an oddly passive man.
38:50Hi, Rowan.
38:53Hi, Rowan.
38:54Hi.
38:55Mmm.
38:56Mmm.
38:58Okay.
38:59All right, all right.
38:59Okay.
39:07Oh!
39:08Oh!
39:10Ouchie!
39:24Excuse me.
39:25I need your football kit.
39:26Yeah, piss off your pedo.
39:28I'm not a pedo.
39:29Why do you want me to take my clothes off?
39:30It's hard to explain, but basically, it's a beautiful romantic story involving prophecy,
39:35destiny, and above all, love.
39:38Yeah, see you later, you pedo.
39:39I'll give you fifty quid.
39:42Yeah, go on then.
39:50There you go.
39:54What the actual fuck?
39:55That is not Merlot.
39:56That's all they have, babe.
39:57No, sorry.
39:58Impossible.
39:58Excuse me.
40:01Sorry about it.
40:04So, you two were a proper...
40:06Yeah.
40:07It all, er, happened quite quickly.
40:12Well, I'm really happy for you.
40:15I can't believe it.
40:17You were right.
40:17Honestly.
40:18Fuck this place.
40:19And you know the worst thing?
40:21They didn't even have any olives.
40:22I mean, like, what kind of dystopian nightmare are these people living in round here?
40:26Right.
40:27Deliveroo.
40:28Olives.
40:29Olives.
40:29Olives, olives.
40:58Time to get my
40:59time up.
41:02Can you believe that some people don't know what the offside rule is? I know what it
41:05is, it's my favourite rule actually.
41:26Oh!
41:28Ouchy.
41:30Pablo, what are you doing? Are you alright?
41:32Thanks, sir.
41:33Thanks.
41:39Not you, Lucinda. Stop trying to steal my moves. Stop trying to steal my man, you homewrecked harlot.
41:45Yeah, but it's not stealing when he already belongs to me.
41:48Right, semi-pros. Let's get you all down to the changing room for a pre-match chat, please.
41:53Come on, Pablo. And I think you'd better be getting down to the pitch, mate.
41:57All the kids will want to see Ozzy the Octopus.
42:00Shit.
42:01I'll wait, Pablo.
42:03Thanks, sir.
42:07May the best mum win.
42:10Go on.
42:11Kiss it.
42:16Break a leg, lads.
42:19Beard.
42:21Hello?
42:22Let me out.
42:28You can really feel the excitement as we edge closer to kick-off here.
42:34Have you got a prediction of the results, Steph?
42:35Yeah, I think the celebrities might do well here, you know, because I've seen Cher play a charity match in
42:40Swansea.
42:40She's got a fantastic aim, so don't write them off.
42:43And, Kami, have you got a prediction?
42:45I think AI will take over the planet and destroy the yeoman race!
42:53This car park is too full.
42:55This car park is too full.
42:58Lucinda!
42:59Hey!
43:02We need to hash this out once and for all.
43:07Come here!
43:08Lucinda!
43:11Stay there!
43:13Oh!
43:16Good boy, local.
43:18What?
43:20Why are you still in here, Stuart?
43:21You locked me in here, and give me back my costume.
43:24You know, you've really got a nerve, Lucinda.
43:26You do can't gun your ears.
43:27I can't hear what you're saying with this thing on my head.
43:29You sound Spanish for fuck's sake.
43:31Yeah, I don't think this is Lucinda, Dickie.
43:34I don't even know what language you are speaking, Stuart.
43:36What?
43:38Hey!
43:39No!
43:40No!
43:43It's hard for me to get my wagon.
43:45Hey!
43:45No!
43:46What a ganger!
43:49Oh, now.
43:51Are we all clear on the strategy?
43:54Well, let's get out there,
43:56and take down those fake celebrity wankers,
44:00and get the win!
44:01Yeah!
44:01Yeah!
44:05So...
44:05Are you doing anything after this?
44:09Listen, Pablo, I think you've got the wrong idea, you know, mate.
44:12I'm cool with everyone being with a wannabe and all that,
44:14but...
44:15I'm not actually gay, mate.
44:18No, wait.
44:19I think you've got the wrong idea.
44:20This isn't...
44:20Right, lads!
44:21Time to go!
44:23Bring it in!
44:24Bring it in!
44:25Come on!
44:25Are you ready?
44:26One, two, three...
44:28Go!
44:30Hello!
44:30Help!
44:32Please, we're here!
44:33The card pack is too full!
44:35The card pack is too full!
44:36The card pack is too full!
44:37Please!
44:39Please!
44:39Help!
44:41Oh!
44:42Finally!
44:43Thank you, Sal and John.
44:45Where the hell is Dicky with my costume, man?
44:47Cinder!
44:48Wow, you've really gone all out for this match.
44:51Look, I know that sorry is a proper hard word,
44:54but I am truly sorry.
44:56I don't understand you, bitch.
44:58I need to go to the court.
44:59The party is about to start.
45:01What?
45:01Lucinda?
45:03Lucinda!
45:03Please don't be like that!
45:07I guess I'm all so freaking out of here.
45:12What did you get out of the cupboard?
45:13What are you on about?
45:14Never mind.
45:15Listen, where's Owen?
45:16I just need to have a quick word with him to confess my undying love.
45:19He's about to go onto the pitch, Dicky.
45:21And I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but he's not gay.
45:24Wow.
45:25What a homophobic thing to say.
45:28Now, I know you're all worried about the semi-professionals,
45:31and it doesn't surprise me.
45:33They've got the talent.
45:34They've got the physical strength.
45:36But what is it you've got that they haven't?
45:39A slight resemblance to an illy celebrity.
45:41So forget about their ripped adonis bodies,
45:44and their fast athletic legs.
45:47Get out there.
45:48And crush him!
45:49Yeah!
45:53Yes, Stevie Wonder.
45:54Anybody know where Team Captain Sir Elton John is?
45:59I'm Team Captain Sir Elton John and I'm locked in a cupboard.
46:02Come on!
46:03Come on!
46:03Come on!
46:08Come on!
46:10Come on!
46:11Come on!
46:12Come on!
46:12No!
46:12No!
46:13I'm sorry!
46:13I tried, but this is absolutely not for me!
46:16Neville!
46:17Excuse me!
46:19Neville!
46:22Neville!
46:25Neville!
46:26And another thing, I know it was you who took my dearly dunkers.
46:31Don't walk away from me Lucinda! Let's discuss this, like Hazel.
46:36I am not having this conversation while you're dressed as Ozzy the fucking octopus!
46:40Hey Cammie, that shirt. I wish I had the name and address of her plastic surgeon.
46:46Unbelievable Geoff!
46:47And I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to. Owen Shennington on the pitch. There's a lot of talent in
46:52that lad.
46:52You've always done this to me!
46:54What have you been on about?
46:55Tried stealing the lads I like.
46:56Are you actually talking to me? When have I ever stolen a lad from you?
46:59Er, Ryan Jones.
47:00Oh, come off it, you weren't ever serious with Ryan.
47:03And anyway, he was the one who asked me for a blow in H&M.
47:07What are you doing, you crazy bitch? That's my head!
47:11Give it back, dickheads!
47:12Nah, nah, over here please, thank you, thank you.
47:16I've got no beds.
47:19What the fuck has Steph McGovern got a commentating job here?
47:22What does she know about football, the brown-nosing cow?
47:27Do you know what? Why don't you put that finger where the sun doesn't fucking shine?
47:31Come on, come out of here. We'll talk about it out of here.
47:34Yeah, you're scared of your little box, aren't you?
47:36Er, you okay Steph?
47:39Just give us a minute Cammy.
47:42Give it back!
47:52What? Have I got something on me face?
47:56I know I shouldn't, and this is probably the wrong time.
48:02What?
48:08What were you saying, Mel?
48:14Oi, Cotsillow! You're about to go on the pitch for Christ's sake!
48:18What?
48:19In you get!
48:21What have you got that far?
48:24Bloody modern footballers!
48:26Ladies and gentlemen, the players are in the tunnel.
48:28Put your hands up together, and make some noise, and welcome our two teams onto the pitch.
48:32Come on Semi-Pros, let's have you, get out there!
48:34Let's give it to them!
48:36Come on!
48:38It's Semi-Pros vs. Celebrity.
48:40And back in a little bit nicer today for the Semi-Pros is Pablo DiColomelo.
48:46Come on, onto the pitch.
48:48That's it.
48:48We're thrilled to have with what promised us to be a fantastic charity football player.
48:52All in support of an incredible cause.
48:55Pablo Corzello's warming up.
48:57I think he looks a bit unsure, you know.
48:59I think he's slaying.
49:01Let's make it a match to remember, and most importantly, let's make a difference.
49:06Stevie? Stevie? It's that way.
49:09Oh, okay.
49:12That's it. Pass it. Oh, great pass. Well done.
49:19And Corzello's called a time out. That's not even a thing in football.
49:24I love it! Go on, lad!
49:28Gentle, no, no hard tackles. Come on.
49:31Time out!
49:31What's that game, Pablo?
49:33I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
49:35Minnelli! Liza Minnelli! Come on! Get in the game!
49:38Should've got Streisand!
49:40Liza Minnelli's in great form today!
49:43Yeah, you're not wrong Jeff, she's created some cracking moments there.
49:46She was spectacular in cabaret!
49:49Liza! Liza!
49:51Pass it to share!
49:53What the hell was that?
49:55Oh, you moron!
49:56She was open there!
49:58You told me you were good!
50:00Master Prince Harry!
50:02Don't wave!
50:03Prince Harry? You're nothing like him!
50:05You've got the language in your hair!
50:07No! No!
50:09No! No!
50:10I can't!
50:11You're bloody useless, I'm out of you!
50:13Useless!
50:17Hiya chick, you're alright, look.
50:23Stop throwing my head around, you fucking monsters!
50:27Dicky! Give me my octopus costume back!
50:33Owen! Owen!
50:35Owen!
50:36Call me!
50:37What are you doing man, Owen?
50:39No, Owen call me!
50:41Dicky! Give me Ozzy!
50:50Dicky!
50:51The game's not good!
50:53Oye!
50:55You who are you, sir?
50:57Mie's an impostor!
50:59I'm the real Pablo Cortello!
51:01Dicky!
51:02Woo!
51:03Dicky!
51:04It looks like Ozzy the Octopus is on the pitch now!
51:07I'm not talking to you!
51:09I'm not talking to you either!
51:10And he's being chased by some tiny little gay fella!
51:12Give me my octopus back!
51:14Maybe I should go to Specsavers, guys, because there appear to be two Pablo Corzellos on the pitch!
51:21Info score!
51:23Is there?
51:23I must have missed that, Geoff!
51:26Back the hell out of here, do we?
51:27Oh yeah!
51:28Stop that!
51:29Hey!
51:30Get off that pitch, we're all friggin' bad to ya!
51:33Hurry ya!
51:34Oh!
51:34Are these on there to yours?
51:36Yeah!
51:36What are they doing on there?
51:37You leave them alone!
51:38Oh!
51:39Ah, you think it are!
51:40You're done!
51:41Yeah, you think it are!
51:44You like that?
51:46You know friends normally like this?
51:49As a matter of fact, they are, yeah.
51:51Owen!
51:51Owen!
51:52Owen!
51:53I know, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
51:55What are you apologising for?
51:57It's class!
51:59Owen!
52:00Owen!
52:01Owen!
52:02Owen!
52:02Owen!
52:04You don't like Owen, please!
52:11Um, what the actual fuck?
52:14I thought you were following me.
52:15I've just been sat in the car for ages.
52:17Shit.
52:17Sorry, babe.
52:18The windows were literally up.
52:24There it are, Rosie.
52:30It's probably...
52:31Fuck it!
52:33Who are you, lads?
52:37Everybody in the treadmill run!
52:39I'm gonna give me Christmas!
52:41Nooo!
52:44Haven't you ever seen anything like this?
52:46Only in the borough, Geoff.
52:48You don't have to be mad to live here.
52:51But I'll tell you what, Jeff, it fucking helps!
53:06I'm Melton John, I'm Melton John, and I think everyone has...
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