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Watch Free Bert () free Season 1 Episode 3 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:13To my nails, pop my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:17Pop my face, I'm a clear, I'm a new look set
00:21All the ways we can share, put you on the day list
00:25To my nails, pop my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:28To my nails, pop my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:32All right. Is this the thing?
00:36I gotta say, I'm questioning this shit out of the whole move
00:39Uh, what are your concerns?
00:41Just the overall neutering of yourself, conforming purely for acceptance
00:44Is spineless a word?
00:46It is, but it does not apply here, okay?
00:51You're trying to sell me on that or yourself?
00:54To my nails, pop my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
01:01Well, it's definitely different
01:04Well, that was the whole point, right?
01:05I'm all for change
01:06It's obviously needed, but maybe we're overcorrecting here
01:10Yeah
01:10Are you bumping on the shorts with the button-down?
01:12Because I could swap them out with white slacks
01:15No, that's not what I was saying at all
01:17So you're saying that it's the button-down then?
01:18Because I could switch out the button-down
01:20For this salmon polo
01:22Two salmons
01:23And you bought all this for brunch with the Vanderbilt?
01:25Right, the way you're saying that makes it sound like it's nothing
01:28Randy Hotchkiss stuck his neck out to get us this invite
01:30And Zach Hotchkiss is going to be there
01:33Oh, would you like to go now?
01:35Why? What's the point?
01:37Yeah, he's made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with her
01:39It went from texting all day, every day
01:41To total darkness
01:43Just like that
01:43Oh
01:44Maybe he's playing hard to get
01:45Don't forget, the kid's got fucking game
01:47Yes
01:47And you're convinced that you have to completely sell out to get them to like you?
01:51Hey, excuse me
01:52We are not selling out
01:54The Vanderthals have a lot of sway at this school
01:56We can't afford to have them as enemies
01:58Okay, zero chance that's going to work
02:00It's literally like putting lipstick on a pig
02:02Okay
02:03If we have any chance of patching things up with them
02:06The pig requires a little lipstick
02:08All right
02:09The pig needs a little more than that
02:11Mascara, blood
02:12Guys, guys, guys
02:12Can we stop saying the word pig?
02:13I think that the pig should just be proud to be a fucking pig
02:16Thank you, Isla
02:17But once again, I think there's a better analogy for this whole thing
02:19I don't
02:38All right, let's talk game plan
02:39I'm thinking classic divide and conquer
02:41I grease up Landon
02:42You play nice with Chanel
02:44Ooh, yes
02:45Done
02:45Kill her with kindness
02:47I will have that bitch wrapped around my finger in no time
02:50And then
02:52Once we smooth that over
02:55I go full court press on Zach
02:57There he is
03:00Look at you, all dressed up
03:02You remember Mayumi?
03:04Yes, of course
03:04Mayumi, how you doing?
03:08And you must be Leanne
03:09Yes
03:10Hi
03:10Leanne, Randy, and Mayumi Hotchkiss
03:14Hotchkiss
03:14Yeah, oh, it is so nice to meet you both
03:17Leanne, you are one lucky lady
03:19I was just saying to Yumi this morning
03:21Wait till you hang with Bert
03:22He is gonna blow your panties off
03:27Have you seen Landon and Chanel?
03:28No, we just got here
03:29Are you sure it's cool we're here?
03:31Oh, absolutely
03:32I spoke to them
03:33Got them all lubed up
03:34All you gotta do is drill it home
03:36Something I get the feeling you're comfortable with, right?
03:38Am I off, Leanne?
03:41I...
03:41I...
03:42Come on, come on
03:43I'll bring you to him
03:44Thank you
03:46Yes
04:12All right
04:14That's play nice today, kids
04:16What do you say we start over?
04:18Bert and Leanne Kreischer
04:20Dr. Landon and Chanel Vanderthal
04:22Hi
04:23Thank you both so much for having us
04:26Oh, it's our pleasure
04:26We really take pride in giving people second chances
04:29Oh, that is so generous
04:31And what a lovely home you have
04:33Oh, don't even get me started
04:34I want to redo every inch of it
04:36Oh, boy
04:36No, yeah, sure
04:38Yeah, I can see that
04:39What do you mean?
04:41Oh, no, I was just agreeing
04:43Let me start by saying
04:45First and foremost
04:46I was so wrong for the way I behaved
04:49I went way too far
04:51And that wasn't me
04:52It wasn't either of us
04:53Well, um, thank you for saying that
04:56No, thank you
04:57Honestly, I'm a little ashamed of some of the things I said
05:01Understandably
05:02Who am I to suggest that you couldn't orally pleasure him
05:05Because of all the lip injections you've had?
05:07I was wrong
05:08And for that, I apologize
05:11Yeah, apology accepted
05:13And to imply that the work you've done on her face
05:15Is anything less than perfection
05:17Was clearly said out of spite
05:19So, seriously
05:21Got it, letting it go
05:22Moving on
05:23Great, hey, you know what?
05:24Let's go grab a drink
05:25I'm sure there's plenty of movement on her face
05:26When you ejaculate onto it
05:27Uh-huh
05:29I was wrong to insinuate otherwise
05:33Okay
05:33And good
05:34And we thank you for saying that as well, don't we?
05:37Uh-huh
05:38You know what?
05:38I, for one
05:39I'm so glad that we were all able to just put that behind us
05:42Yes, us two
05:43Sooner the better
05:44Hey, hey
05:45Yeah
05:45Water under the bridge
05:51Okay
05:53Okay
05:53Great
05:54Awesome
05:54Welcome to our home
06:00All right, gentlemen
06:01Here we go
06:02Thank you, thank you
06:03Yeah, thank you, sir
06:04Okay
06:06To new beginnings, huh?
06:08Hey
06:08There we go
06:08New beginnings
06:09You assholes starting without me
06:10Oh, well, we thought you were still parking cars out front
06:15Sorry
06:15We like to, uh, pepper a little racism in our humor
06:18You cool with that?
06:19Actually, no
06:21Yeah, I'm afraid I'll have to leave now
06:24You pull my car around, cabrón?
06:28Bert, Glenn Darvish
06:29Hey
06:29It's good to meet you, man
06:30Yeah
06:31Glenn's the, uh, managing partner over at Stratum
06:33Yeah
06:34He runs the
06:34It's the largest, right?
06:35Yeah, private commercial real estate debt fund
06:37Just in North America, yeah
06:39Oh, number two in Europe
06:41Private commercial real estate debt fund
06:43That's crazy
06:44I have a huge chunk of my new hour about that
06:47Fucking guy
06:48Hey, I swear to Christ
06:50Hey, that's some funny shit right there
06:52Right? I told you
06:53Is that the, uh, the kind of thing you bring to the table in a friendship?
06:57Yeah, I try to
06:58Huh
06:58Well, I love it
06:59Right?
07:00Yeah
07:00I told you, we had them all wrong
07:02Yeah, well, it might be that I'm, I'm not good at first impressions
07:05Oh
07:06Yeah
07:06Yeah
07:06No question
07:08There's definitely that
07:09100%
07:10No, no, no, but, but beyond that, uh, there's a different energy here, right?
07:14You guys feeling that?
07:15Yeah
07:15Yeah
07:15No, no, definitely
07:16Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's working
07:20Keep it up
07:21Yeah
07:22I'll, I'll definitely try to
07:24Good
07:29Wow
07:31This is your closet?
07:33Just for my purses and shoes
07:34Could you imagine if this was it?
07:37It was so gross
07:38It was so embarrassing
07:41It's so funny, I, I grew up in a trailer the same size as this
07:46What do you mean?
07:47Why is that funny?
07:48Oh
07:49No, um, not funny, like a joke
07:51I was just commenting
07:53Commenting on what?
07:55Just, uh, the irony
07:58Hmm
07:59How is it ironic that my closet is the size of your child at home?
08:04Yeah
08:05Yeah, no, it's not ironic, so I don't have to worry, word
08:08You know what, this is probably just me
08:10I'm, I'm overly sensitive to women, not supporting other women, so
08:21And that's when I made the decision to start working on myself
08:23Huh
08:24Dude, so inspiring
08:25Yeah
08:26It really is
08:27Glenn, you, you really feel the need to tack on like that?
08:30Yeah, no, that was unnecessary
08:31Completely
08:32Yeah, but honestly, though, uh, you know, change, it does start from the inside
08:35But there's no reason it can't find its way to the outside
08:37Oh, shit
08:38As a matter of fact, if I were to just get you down to the office
08:41Look, look at this
08:42Yeah, yeah
08:43There's no reason that I couldn't just, look at that
08:45You see what that just did right there?
08:46Oh, dude
08:46Look at that, see that?
08:47Oh, yeah
08:48See what I did right there?
08:49Bring that up just like that
08:50Yeah, well, yeah
08:51You should have seen the jowls on me before I met this guy
08:53Uh-huh
08:54The maestro
08:55If true
08:55Oh, yeah
08:56I could also, if I may, get in there and just
08:58Oh, yeah, the bags?
08:59Get rid of those guys right there
09:00See what I did right there?
09:01Yes!
09:01Come on, feel that
09:02Feel the difference?
09:03See you like one more time
09:03Wait, it looks good?
09:04Oh, yeah
09:04Here's the best
09:05What do you think?
09:06Should I have Tanya reach out, set an appointment?
09:08Maybe take a beat?
09:10Think it over?
09:10You want to take a beat?
09:11Take a beat
09:12Seriously?
09:13What's to think about?
09:14Hey, can you guys give me one second?
09:15I'll be right back, okay?
09:17Okay
09:17Just a phone call away
09:21They fucking love me
09:23I am killing it
09:24How you doing in your head?
09:25I don't know
09:26She's fucking brutal
09:28She reamed me her closet
09:29Yeah?
09:30Well, maybe it's you
09:30No, wait
09:31Well, you know how when you try too hard
09:32You get that sweaty energy?
09:34You're blaming me
09:35Like, I tried
09:36How is this my fault?
09:38Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh
09:39There's the kid
09:40Solo at the omelette station
09:43It's go time
09:43Wish me luck
09:44Hey, do you want me to come with you?
09:51What's up, fuck boy?
09:53What do you want?
09:54I stopped DMing her
09:55Buddy, relax
09:56You still chapped about her running at school?
09:59I mean, yeah
10:01Kinda
10:01I was just busting your...
10:04I was just messing with you
10:05It was pretty extreme
10:07Okay
10:07I overreacted
10:09One day you're gonna be my age
10:10And you're gonna understand
10:11Dude, it is tough when your daughter starts dating
10:14Especially a stud like you
10:18I felt threatened, bro
10:21I'm like a kid
10:22Dude, you're Zach fucking Hotchkiss
10:25You're handsome, athletic
10:27Think I noticed a little sense of humor in there
10:31If you want to date my daughter
10:34You have my blessing
10:36Are you fucking with me?
10:37No, I'm not fucking with you
10:38So what do you say we give it a go?
10:39You come by the house
10:40You hang out with Georgia
10:41See if that spark's still there
10:43And if it's not
10:44You walk away clean
10:45No questions asked
10:49Okay
10:49Yeah
10:51Saturday
10:51Yeah, let's lock you in for Saturday
10:54Actually, I'd feel more comfortable
10:55If we didn't lock it in
10:56Okay
10:57Just trying to keep things fluid
10:58That's all you get that
10:59I fucking love fluidity
11:00So we'll put it on the calendar
11:02We'll try to keep it
11:03And if we gotta slide it
11:04We slide it
11:05Sound cool?
11:06I guess
11:07Yeah, so Saturday
11:08Yeah, unless something comes up
11:10No, no, yeah, obviously
11:11Unless stuff comes up
11:12But if it doesn't
11:13It's Saturday
11:25That was fucking amazing
11:27I am really good at this
11:28Let me tell you something
11:29I told a joke at one point
11:31That wasn't even really a joke
11:32In structure
11:33It was basically a racist statement
11:35And they laughed so hard
11:37Honestly, at one moment
11:39I thought Landon wanted to blow me
11:40Wish I could say the same
11:41I can't say anything to this fucking woman
11:44Without her just jumping down my throat
11:46Can I give you a suggestion?
11:48What?
11:48Have you tried listening?
11:49Because it's working gangbusters for me
11:51And you don't even have to listen
11:52You just have to say you're listening
11:54And then make faces
11:55And say things back to them
11:56Like, um, how so?
11:57I did it with Randy the other day
11:59It was like a magic trick
12:01Why do I even care?
12:02These people suck
12:03At least one of us did his job
12:04You got Zach to come?
12:05No, he doesn't have testicles, baby
12:06That's why we're doing all of this
12:08No, to the house, dummy
12:09Oh
12:10You think I was asking
12:11If you got a boy to a check lead
12:12At the Alma station?
12:13I don't know
12:14How am I supposed to know at this point?
12:15Yes, Zach is coming to the house on Saturday
12:17And dude doesn't stand a chance
12:18I'm pulling out all the toys
12:20I've said it before
12:21And you know this is true
12:22I could be a world-class pedophile
12:24If I wanted to be
12:24Oh, yes, yes, you said that
12:26I'm gonna put on a fucking clinic
12:27Lure him into my van
12:28Give him a little candy
12:29Drop his pants down to his ankles
12:31And hand him over to George
12:32Okay, the analogy's gone a little far
12:34But I like the overall concept
12:36What can I say?
12:37Okay, it's a gift
12:47So what, they bought your bullshit?
12:49Fucking ate it up
12:50Yeah, on the salmon polo?
12:51I got three separate compliments on it
12:53Thank you very much
12:54He's not kidding
12:54I witnessed it
12:55Wait, so that's all you had to do?
12:57Put on some fancy shirt and pants
12:59And now they like you?
13:00It's a little more nuanced than that, Isla
13:01The shirts opened the door
13:03But I had to walk through it
13:04You know what I mean?
13:05Not at all
13:06So how'd you do, Mom?
13:07She shut the fucking bed
13:08I got along with everyone
13:10You're the acquired taste
13:11Not with this crowd
13:13I don't get it
13:14But let's talk about the real victory here
13:18Zach motherfucking Hotchkiss
13:19Oh, no, Dad
13:20What did you do?
13:21Nothing
13:21I just hung out with him
13:22I just hung out with him
13:22He's a really chill dude
13:23Mm-hmm
13:23And he likes you a lot
13:25Oh, yeah?
13:25Then why did he ghost me?
13:27I don't know
13:27I think he got scared, right, hon?
13:29Yeah, and he feels really bad about it
13:31Sure he does
13:31Really bad
13:31No, he does
13:32As a matter of fact
13:33He feels so bad about it
13:34Mm-hmm
13:34He wants to make it up to you
13:35Mm-hmm
13:36So he's coming over to the house on Saturday
13:38What?
13:39Mm-hmm
13:39How'd you pull that off?
13:41Did you bribe him?
13:41No, I just
13:42I opened his eyes a little bit
13:44And then
13:45Got out of the damn way
13:46Wow
13:47Uh, I mean, thank you
13:51That's what Dads do
14:01Georgia!
14:07Have I ever told you
14:11How good it feels to hold you
14:15It isn't easy
14:18To be with me
14:24Oh, man, though, I'm really trying
14:28I think I may start crying
14:33My heart can't wait another day
14:38When you kiss me
14:41I just gotta
14:42Kiss me
14:43I just gotta
14:44Kiss me
14:45I just gotta
14:46Say
14:47Baby
14:48I love you
14:50Come on, baby
14:52Baby
14:53I love you
14:55Baby
14:56Baby
14:57I love you
14:59Come on, baby
15:01Baby
15:02I love you
15:04Ooh, my baby
15:05Baby
15:06Baby
15:06I love you
15:08Come on, baby
15:10Baby
15:11I love you
15:14So?
15:15Is it working?
15:16Are you kidding?
15:17It's a fucking layup
15:18I just left them alone
15:19in the hot tub
15:20Wait, you left them alone?
15:22Yeah, that's the beauty of this
15:23I have never felt better
15:25about leaving two half-naked teenagers
15:26alone in a hot tub
15:27in my life
15:28This is nice
15:29Yeah
15:30Wait, are you bringing a beer?
15:32No, these are for me
15:33I'm celebrating
15:34I'm calling it right now
15:35This scrotal surgery
15:37might be the best thing
15:37that's ever happened
15:38to this family
15:38God, it is pretty great
15:40Yeah
15:40But on our part
15:42are we terrible?
15:43For what?
15:43The whole thing
15:44Using your pedophile powers
15:46to persuade this boy
15:47with no scrotum
15:47to go out with our daughter
15:48just because we know
15:49we can't attack him
15:50Don't tell me
15:50you're having second thoughts
15:51You want her to be happy, right?
15:53Of course
15:53Fucking look at her
15:54Have you ever seen her that happy?
15:56Right
15:56It's kind of based on
15:58Based on what?
15:59Something other than sex?
16:01Is that so bad
16:02that they're going to get
16:02to know each other first
16:03Oh, no
16:04And then in a year or two
16:06when his sack is healed
16:08then we can start talking
16:09about hand jobs, maybe
16:10Okay
16:11Come on, guys
16:11Hand jobs again
16:13Okay, hey, hey, hey
16:14Those are for Chanel
16:15a peace offer
16:16And are you packaging
16:17them to look on me?
16:18Yes, I am
16:20And you're doing that one?
16:21A couple of them
16:21always get burnt, right?
16:23Genius
16:24Are you sure
16:25those are chocolate chips?
16:26They smell like something else
16:27What do they smell like?
16:29Uh, oh, I know
16:31Desperation
16:31Oh, fuck off
16:32I'm doing something nice
16:34with this bitch
16:35I can't stand
16:36Yeah, I think you're
16:36playing the Chanel thing
16:37all wrong
16:38Chanel's a brick wall
16:40She responds to strength
16:42Well, who didn't like
16:43chocolate chip cookies?
16:44No, no, I'm just saying
16:46I don't want you to panic
16:47and fuck this whole thing
16:48up for us
16:49because I've got us
16:50in a really good place
16:51right now
16:51Well, since what have I
16:52ever been living to
16:53fuck something up?
16:54Like, ever
16:54Hold on
16:55Just because my fuck-ups
16:56are usually so big
16:57no one sees your fuck-ups
16:58does not mean
16:59you don't fuck up
17:00I think you're
17:01kind of fucking up
17:03Hey, guys
17:03get closer in the hot tub
17:27Gwen!
17:28What are you doing here?
17:29It's Lee-Ann, actually
17:32and I just wanted to
17:33make up for the other day
17:34I felt really bad
17:35Yeah, I totally get that
17:37I just, uh
17:39it's so silly
17:39I don't even remember
17:40what we're mad about
17:42Really?
17:42I do
17:44Right
17:44Well, I just thought
17:47that we could start fresh
17:48like these cookies I made
17:50Oh, that's so thoughtful
17:52It's so cute that you took
17:53the time to bake them yourself
17:55Well, I bake with love
17:57and I just
17:58I wanted to put that energy
17:59into this gift
18:01In a plastic container, sure
18:03Yeah, uh
18:04Right, sorry about that
18:06I just, I just transferred
18:07them right out of the oven
18:08Yeah, and who needs
18:09a cute box and a ribbon
18:10when you have
18:11old dirty Tupperware
18:12lying around?
18:15I don't know
18:16For me
18:16I feel like
18:18you lose some of that
18:19freshness
18:20when you don't have
18:20that seal
18:21Yeah, I get that
18:23but for me
18:24there's a presentation aspect
18:25that's hard to completely ignore
18:27Sure, sure
18:28but for me
18:28I'm more substance
18:30over style
18:31and at the end of the day
18:32it's about what's
18:33best for the baked good
18:34Yeah, understood
18:36but for me
18:36it's more about the person
18:37you're gifting, right?
18:39And less about
18:39the stupid fucking cookies
18:44Yeah, definitely
18:46Yeah
18:46But honestly
18:47so thoughtful
18:51There's no nuts, right?
18:52Oh, God, no
18:53No, no, no
18:53I hate nuts
18:54Great
18:55Thanks, Linda
18:56It's Lee
18:57Anne
19:00There we go
19:02And we have fire
19:05Now
19:06You guys need any sodas?
19:07Candies?
19:08Something else?
19:08What do you want?
19:09I mean
19:10I'm good
19:11What about you, Zach?
19:13Actually
19:13Yeah, do you have any more
19:15Red Vines, bro?
19:16Dude, we have fucking Red Vines
19:17Isla, get every fucking Red Vine in there
19:19Isla
19:20Why do I have time?
19:21Because Zach is here, Isla
19:22Get it
19:23Go
19:24All right
19:25Temperature
19:26How we doing?
19:27Zach, are you cold?
19:28Do you want a blanket?
19:29That would be cool
19:29All right
19:30Fuck yeah
19:31Yeah
19:33Oh, I know a lot of parents
19:35have a no blanket policy
19:36for fear of what might happen underneath
19:38But not us
19:40We're chill, isn't that right, babe?
19:41Oh, yeah
19:41Yeah
19:43Whatever we just do
19:44Make yourself at home
19:45Have a good time
19:46Just have fun
19:46Relax
19:48It is pretty chill
19:49Yeah
19:53What did I tell you?
19:54You have a plan
19:56You execute the plan
19:57Solid work
19:58We did it
20:01Hey
20:01We did it
20:03Previously on Euphoria
20:03We did it
20:09We did it
20:09We did it
20:10We did it
20:10Oh, yeah
20:30Oh, yeah
20:33Uh yeah
20:33I don't know
20:33I don't know
20:33But if you have a plan
20:33You'd have a plan
21:02I'll see you next time.
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