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We deliver full episodes of top drama series across romance, thriller, mystery, crime, and emotional storytelling. From Turkish dramas and Asian series to global hits, our content is carefully selected to match what audiences are searching for right now.
SeriesVerse Global specializes in multi-language subtitles, including English Sub, Español Sub, and Arabic Sub, helping viewers from all over the world enjoy their favorite shows without language barriers.
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TVTranscript
00:01It was that time of year again, Mr. Teesside Beauty Pageant, a competition based on beauty,
00:09talent and bulges.
00:11Every town in the Tees Valley was eligible, and every man and his dog wanted that cash
00:16prize.
00:1720,000 big ones, and the men at Teesside will do anything, and I mean anything, to
00:25win that title.
00:46You want to say me?
00:51You took your time?
00:54I couldn't remember where I put my favourite Trilby.
00:56Take a seat.
01:07What's Mr. Teesside?
01:08Only the biggest competition in the Teess Valley.
01:16Alright, and what's that gotta do with me?
01:23This is my master plan, Bobby.
01:27I've been working on this for a number of years, and I've finally figured out the formula.
01:37formula for what?
01:40The formula to win...
01:43Mr. Teesside!
01:50Right?
01:53Let me introduce you to one of the finalists of Mr. Teesside, representing my beautiful
02:01hometown.
02:02I'll stop.
02:04Looks like he's not gonna make it to the competition.
02:10So that's where you come in, Bobby.
02:12But why me?
02:13I'm not even from Teesside, I'm from South Shields.
02:15Not anymore!
02:19Listen very closely.
02:23Can I just stop you?
02:25I'm sorry to interrupt, but is this all true?
02:29You're unvowed.
02:31That just feels a bit far-fetched and overly stylised.
02:35I'm trying to create a bit of drama for you, babe.
02:38I know you tabloid people love a bit of sensationalism.
02:42Well, we're not really about that here at the North East Journal.
02:45Our readers appreciate the truth, so what I'm more interested in is what happened at the competition itself,
02:49and more importantly, the cheating scandal that occurred.
02:52Well, in that case, I'll start at the very beginning.
02:56It's a very good place to start, Jake.
02:58I remember it like it was yesterday.
03:07I still couldn't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:11had made it to the final of Mr. Teesside.
03:13I still can't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:16has made it to the final of Mr. Teesside.
03:18Oi, stop being such a bitter old queen just because you didn't get chosen.
03:21Ma'am, do you think we'll make it on time?
03:24I can't email saying that the duck points if we're late.
03:26I've gone as fast as I can, chick.
03:28Oh, stay still, Stuart. This stubble's going everywhere.
03:31I can't help it. Why do I need stubble?
03:33Listen, hon, I've been to Mr. Teesside every year for a decade,
03:36so I know what makes a winner, and as lovely as your smooth baby-faced skin is,
03:40I know for a fact that those horny judges love a bit of rough.
03:43I've got all your outfits in that suitcase, so I'll come backstage and help you change.
03:46Oh, thanks Lucinda. You really don't need to do all this for me.
03:50I'm not going to lie, hon, I'm actually doing it for all of us.
03:53If you were Mr. Teesside, you'd be able to get us into every VIP area in the Teess Valley.
03:58Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
03:59What's the matter?
04:00That friggin' speed comm has just flashed at me.
04:02I think it's the wrong one!
04:04Oh!
04:05OK, now.
04:06I'll shit myself.
04:07You OK, Sal?
04:09I'm sorry, lads. I must have been dreaming.
04:13Here, how we getting on, ma'am?
04:15I told Mel I'd meet her half an hour ago.
04:17We're supposed to be on stage now.
04:18We're just round the corner, chick.
04:20My God.
04:21I'm trapped by shit myself.
04:23You'd be amazing, hon.
04:26I was profoundly grateful when we arrived at the venue,
04:28as the stench of Stuart's desperation had contaminated the air inside the ice cream van.
04:33Come on, you lot. In you go.
04:43Isn't that Nan?
04:44What's that haggard old wench doing here?
04:47I don't know, but she's looking proper shifty.
04:49I think she's with the Mr. Stockton finalist.
04:51He looks familiar.
04:55Why was Nan acting so suspicious?
04:58Who was that bald, muscly twink?
05:00I had to investigate.
05:02And I instantly knew who to call.
05:04This was the job.
05:07For Detective Sexy.
05:12I mean, you definitely weren't that quick getting into that costume.
05:14Did I interrupt you?
05:15Haven't let anyone else talk?
05:18I'm blind!
05:19Sorry about this.
05:29The smell of beer-saturated carpets and excited menopausal women could mean only one thing.
05:36Mr. Teesside.
05:46There was something really slippery about Mr. Stockton.
05:49And I just had to find out who he was.
06:00That's the only thing with calling on Detective Sexy.
06:03No matter how hard she tries to stay undercover.
06:07The straight lads can't get enough.
06:14Um, I don't remember that happening actually Dickie.
06:16Yeah well I don't remember you happening Stuart.
06:18What?
06:18What?
06:20Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
06:22Maybe I could just get a brief summary from someone else.
06:26How about you?
06:27I'll start at the very beginning.
06:28It's a pretty good place to start, Chick.
06:31We were on the way to the Mr. Teesside beauty pageant.
06:35I could not believe I'd been picked to represent Borough.
06:37It seemed like a lifetime ago that I'd submitted my audition video
06:40where I tap danced to Meghan Trainers all about that bass for Middlesbrough Council.
06:45And now here we were on the way to the final.
06:49Ma'am, do you think we're going to make it on time?
06:51I've got an email saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
06:54I'm going as fast as I can, Chick.
06:57Stay still Stuart, the stubble's going everywhere.
07:00Oh you're joking aren't you?
07:01I think it's the wrong one!
07:04Come on you lot, in you go.
07:08It was magical inside.
07:11People had gathered from all over the Tees Valley.
07:13Some had even come all the way from Hartlepool.
07:16You're late, Mr. Middlesbrough.
07:18He'll be appointed deducted for that.
07:20Come with me.
07:24This is the station.
07:25We're starting soon to get ready to go on.
07:27The six contestants from the Tees Valley that had made it to the final
07:30were getting ready backstage.
07:35Just as I thought.
07:36What?
07:37It's Nad here on the judging panel again.
07:39She never misses a year.
07:40She's the one you've got to impress Stuart.
07:42She has the most influence
07:44and she's the one who likes them rough and ready and hairy.
07:48Well I've got my stubble on.
07:50We're going to need more than stubble.
07:53Ma?
07:56I know for a fact she loves a hairy chest.
08:00Get this on.
08:02Yes.
08:04Should we go?
08:06Oh you've got to be kidding me.
08:09Not this tutting tit.
08:10Oh hi guys.
08:13Didn't realise you were in the final Stuart.
08:15Congrats.
08:16You too Neil.
08:22Okay.
08:23Well I'd better go to my station.
08:25Get ready for the first round.
08:49I'm starting to find it a bit weird you bring this costume everywhere you go hun.
08:53Listen.
08:53There's something unsavoury going on.
08:55I'm not talking about Stuart's aftershave.
08:57What you on about?
08:59That bald lad over there.
09:00Mr Stockton.
09:01He arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
09:04If he does anything out of the ordinary.
09:06Let me know.
09:08Okie dokie hun.
09:10Okie.
09:13Ahhhh!
09:16You alright chick?
09:17What happened Sal?
09:18Fell back off my chest you.
09:20You okay hun?
09:22Oh aye.
09:25Why don't you tell us what you remember about the competition?
09:28Alright babe.
09:29I suppose it's best that I start at the very beginning.
09:32It's not such a bad place to start chick.
09:46So which colour wire do I cut like?
09:48Try the green one babe.
09:51There isn't a green one.
09:52I go yellow.
09:54What would you do Stuart?
09:55No that's me I'm colour blind.
09:56Ten seconds left Lucinda help me out.
09:59I've got a red horn.
10:00Are you sure?
10:01Never been more sure of anything.
10:09I think it's the wrong one.
10:11I think it's the wrong one.
10:12I'm kidding now.
10:14You okay Sal?
10:15Listen then.
10:16I don't mean to be rude but I don't need to know what sudden dreams you've had.
10:20Not even the sex dream involving Hillary Clinton and Claire Starmer.
10:23Why don't I take over hun? I have the memory of an elephant.
10:25Go ahead.
10:27I'll start at the very beginning.
10:29It's a bountiful place to start chick.
10:31I think I've got a good idea of what-
10:32I was buzzing when Stuart told me he made it through to the final of Mr Teesside.
10:37I felt like we had a real advantage because I have been to every single Mr Teesside that has ever
10:42been.
10:43So I knew how to win.
10:45Stay still Stuart this double's going everywhere.
10:47Sorry to interrupt but I've already heard this detail and I don't have a lot of time so if you
10:50don't-
11:02Oh fairy cakes are ready.
11:06Anyone fancy a fairy cake?
11:08Oh yes please!
11:10For fuck's sake!
11:12We're just about to finally get to the next part of the fucking story!
11:16I'm sorry Jake.
11:18Listen.
11:19Why don't I take over from here?
11:21Fine.
11:22But please.
11:23Just get to the point.
11:27Oh!
11:28Right.
11:28I'll start at the very beginning.
11:30No!
11:31Stop starting at the fucking beginning you morons!
11:34Someone doesn't want a fairy cake.
11:36Please.
11:37Please.
11:38If you wouldn't mind.
11:39Just go on from the point with the competition starting.
11:42Well you see.
11:43I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
11:58Mom?
11:59What are you wearing?
12:00What the hell?
12:01I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
12:03Hey.
12:04We could be a sexy detective duo like Cagney and Lacey or Shakespeare and Hathaway.
12:13Good afternoon everyone and welcome to Mr. Teesside.
12:21Brought to you by Rockard Energy Products.
12:24It's just glorious we can all gather here annually to celebrate the talent, brains and anatomies of our wonderful men
12:33from all across the Tees Valley.
12:35So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage your Mr. Teesside finalists!
12:48Mr. Teesside, you're the future, you're the pride.
12:54Mr. Teesside, now you stand here side by side.
13:00And the gift you leave behind is the promise of tomorrow for our children.
13:14For our children.
13:19Let's get fucking wild, ladies!
13:28Please, make some noise for Mr. Hartley Pooh!
13:37Mr. Darlington!
13:43Mr. Stockton!
13:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
13:57Come on, ladies!
14:01Meanwhile, backstage, I was lint-rolling Stuart's shorts ready for the short shorts round which was coming up shortly, when
14:06I suddenly remembered what Dickie said.
14:09That bald lad over there, Mr. Stockton.
14:12He arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
14:15If he does anything out of the ordinary, let me know.
14:18Sorry babe, I'm a bit confused.
14:20Is this a flashback within a flashback?
14:22Yes hun, keep up.
14:24Anyway, I decided this was the perfect snooping opportunity to rummage through the bald muscly twink's bag.
14:31Who wants some bald ladleys?
14:34The first up, please, Mr. Hartley Pooh!
14:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
14:57Mr. Middlesbrough!
15:05I don't know what's happened to him.
15:08Look what I found!
15:09It's Bobby!
15:11I knew I recognised him!
15:13He's not from Stockton, is he?
15:15He's not even from Teastide, he's from South Fucking Shields!
15:17Stuart!
15:19Practice this! Get your legs above your head!
15:25That poison thing has, because Pointless is stiff as a bloody bard!
15:29Who's ready for some short shorts?!
15:33I've got to go and let Stuart into the short shorts.
15:37There was something massively afoot.
15:40It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to investigate.
15:45So ridiculous.
15:46You are?
15:47I don't know why you chose that name.
15:49What's wrong with it?
15:50I don't know, it's just a bit...
15:52It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?
15:54Oh yeah, because Detective Sexy rolls right off that frigging tongue.
15:57Anyway, I just about managed to squeeze Stuart's govacious Kardashian ass cheeks into the smallest shorts I could find.
16:03And even though the shorts were short, the points were massive!
16:14There is a clear winner in the short shorts round ladies!
16:22Mr. Stockton!
16:33And as it's tradition, I will also announce the longest shorts!
16:37And therefore the pathetic shithead loser off his round.
16:41And that person is...
16:42Mr. Hartley Poole!
16:48Long shorts, wanker!
16:53Oh!
16:53Will we have this for dinner tonight?
16:55Oh yeah!
16:56Will we have beans with it as well?
16:58Oh yeah!
16:59So, it was the talent round next.
17:01And I think this was the moment Nan was hoping to clinch a win for Mr. Stockton.
17:05Because Bobby has one of the most beautiful voices.
17:09What the hell's Stuart?
17:10Why don't you just marry him?
17:12What the hell is?
17:14Oh my God.
17:17All right ladies.
17:26When I am down and all my soul so weary
17:33When troubles come and my heart burdened
17:42And I am still in wait here in the silence
17:50Until you come and stay a while with me
17:57You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:07You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:18Bobby had blown it
18:23But Nan had other evil tricks up her sleeve
18:29She told Nadia that Shirley Ballas was on the phone
18:32To compliment her judging skills
18:37And apparently that Nadia is a total slut for compliments
18:53Oh, I'm going for a piss
19:05Hey, hang on
19:06Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
19:09I am, babe
19:10I've tried telling him before his dog's shite at tap dancing
19:12But for some reason he keeps doing it
19:14No, look
19:16It's Nan, disguised as one of the judges
19:19Oh, shit
19:19Be right back
19:23Hiya, chick
19:23Lads, Nan somehow managed to get onto the judging panel
19:27You're kidding me
19:28So that was her plan all along
19:31She's trying to fix Mr. Teesside so that Bobby wins
19:34And she can get all the prize money
19:40Oh, that's lovely, that
19:42We had all the evidence we needed
19:45It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous
19:48To blow Mr. Teesside wide open
19:50The talent round was over
19:53It was now
19:54Or never
19:57Ladies
19:58The judges have deliberated
20:01And we have a unanimous decision
20:06The winner
20:10Of Mr. Teesside is
20:19Stop
20:20Stop the competition
20:25I hope you'll all
20:27Excuse my intrusion
20:29But my name is Detective Sexy
20:32And whilst you've all been enjoying the show
20:35I've been carrying out a very
20:37Extensive investigation
20:39Into a crime
20:40And the results
20:41May have come as a shock to some of you
20:46You see
20:48Not everything
20:49Is as it seems
20:51Somebody on this stage
20:53Is a fraud
21:05In my brassiere
21:08I have the driving licence
21:10Of Mr. Stockton
21:12Or should I say
21:13Mr. South Shields
21:16That's right
21:17Mr. Stockton isn't even from Stockton
21:20He isn't even from the Tees Valley
21:23South Shields, what name?
21:25Let me call you by your real name
21:27Bobby
21:29How do you know?
21:31I'm wearing a ball cap
21:33But let's not be too harsh on Bobby ladies
21:36Because Bobby was merely a puppet
21:39In somebody else's porn
21:41The real puppet master
21:44Is operating under our very noses
21:46In plain light
21:48Yeah, it's Nanya
21:50She's right there
21:50Ma'am?
21:52I was about to do a whole dramatic thing
22:00You found me out
22:05Bo-ho-ho
22:07Clever little gay boys
22:11Well let's see
22:13How clever you are
22:15Now
22:16She's gone
22:17Go on
22:27Give me the twenty grand cash
22:31Or I'll blow your bastard balls off
22:36We haven't got the cash here
22:38You are
22:39I mean it's in the bank
22:41In the bank
22:42In the bank
22:50What's the matter with yous?
22:57You never seen a gun go off before?
22:59You budger wolf libtards
23:03That didn't happen, did it?
23:04Actually
23:05It did
23:06Yeah
23:07She got arrested and everything
23:10I would have gotten away with it
23:11If it wasn't for those pesky days
23:13You'll regret this
23:15You'll all regret this
23:18What's your head, son?
23:20Oh, jeez, mate
23:20Thanks very much
23:21Really appreciate it
23:28Dickie?
23:29Is that?
23:31Yeah
23:32I think it is
23:41Your gig phone
23:42Gig phone?
23:44Gig phone?
23:44It's a gig phone?
23:45It's a burner phone
23:46Whatever dickie gets booked for a drag show
23:49It comes straight through to that line
23:51I forgot you had it, to be honest, chick
23:53Well, answer it!
23:58Hello?
24:00Yeah
24:02Yeah
24:03Yeah
24:04No, that's
24:06Yeah
24:07Thanks
24:09Thanks for letting me know
24:10Okay
24:11Bye
24:13Who was that like?
24:14Guys
24:15I've got a drag gig!
24:17Yeah
24:18Yeah
24:19Woo
24:20Oh, it's a gig
24:22Woo
24:22What a gig!
24:22What a gig!
24:24What a gig!
24:26Oh, yes
24:28What a gig!
24:29Oh, yes
24:30What a gig!
24:32What a gig!
24:46Well, I haven't actually told these guys yet, but...
24:59Life's too short.
25:01You what, Neil?
25:03That's what I was thinking when we were about to be shot.
25:06Life's too short.
25:08Okay, hon.
25:10You've got to follow your dreams now, or it might be too late.
25:16So, with that in mind...
25:22What are you doing?
25:24Lucinda.
25:33Would you do me the greatest honour of being my wife?
25:45Lucinda.
25:49Well?
25:50What did you say?
26:02Life's too short.
26:03You've got to follow your dreams now, or it might be too late.
26:10What are you doing?
26:13Lucinda.
26:14Would you do me the greatest honour of being my wife?
26:25Well?
26:26What did you say?
26:27I was like, no fucking way, Neil.
26:29I've known you for less than a year, you freak.
26:32Can you be quite pleased, Lucinda?
26:33I need you to focus.
26:35My drag show is in four hours, and you're not going to know what to do in the show if
26:38you keep chatting.
26:40Mum, are you all good with the sound cues?
26:41About that.
26:43I'm not going to be able to make the show, Dickie.
26:44What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show?
26:47It's that flippin' speed camera.
26:49They're making me do a speed awareness course and it clashes.
26:51What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
26:53Here, let me text Mel.
26:54She's good with lesbian stuff like that.
26:57And what about the end of the show?
26:58You're meant to be lifting me up for my big show-stopping finale number.
27:01Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together?
27:04I went to the gym last Tuesday.
27:06Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart.
27:08Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me up with your head.
27:10You need to calm down, hun.
27:11You're not performing at the Palladium, for God's sake.
27:13Well, I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda.
27:16Fear not, Dickie Chicky.
27:17The course only lasts an hour, so I should be able to shoot back
27:20and make the end of the show.
27:21Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dickster?
27:24It's just a show.
27:25It's not just a show, Sal, you silly knobhead.
27:28Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along,
27:32so it needs to go well.
27:34Ooh, that's exciting. Have any replied?
27:37Well, you could say that.
27:39What does that mean?
27:41I've had a few out-of-office supplies.
27:45Right, let's go again from the top, please.
27:47Come on.
27:48First positions, everyone!
27:52When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
28:04What's it looking like out there, Sal?
28:06It's filling up, babe.
28:08Think you'll have a good crowd.
28:09Can you see any agents?
28:11It's hard to tell.
28:12Is Mel here yet?
28:13Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front.
28:14She better not fuck this up for me, Sal.
28:16I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time.
28:19Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today.
28:22Hope you don't mind.
28:23You could have told me first, Dickie. I'm still not talking to him.
28:25I'm sure you'll cope, babe.
28:27Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre.
28:30I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am.
28:31Yes, Dickie.
28:33Chekhov.
28:34Pinter.
28:34Zoopla.
28:35I've done a lot.
28:36Monologues coming out my arse.
28:37I'd love to hear one of your monologues.
28:39Can you remember any?
28:40Oh, it's been such a long time.
28:43Oh, no worries.
28:43That makes sense.
28:44June 15, 1856.
28:50Wilbur went together, eggs in the barn.
28:53And when he walked back in, he was crying.
28:58I said, what on God's green earth does that matter, Wilbur?
29:04He pointed at the window.
29:07I looked out.
29:10It was raining.
29:12Raining for the first time in 15 years.
29:17Wilbur was crying with joy at the fact that Krups could finally have a chance for a life.
29:26Oh, wow.
29:27Beautiful performance.
29:28Wow, man.
29:29Amazing.
29:30Absolutely exceptional.
29:31Oh, friggin' hell.
29:32Gotta get going.
29:32Gotta go on this friggin' speed awareness course.
29:34Oh, promise me you'll be back in time for the finale.
29:36You've got to lift me up, remember?
29:37Course, chick.
29:38Ta-ra!
29:38Ta-ra, bye then.
29:39See you later, sir.
29:42Aye, you dickie.
29:43Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute.
29:45Oh, absolutely no props, babes.
29:47Luckily I had a small window in my schedule.
29:50Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us.
29:53Anyway, I think they're all in now, so whenever you're ready.
29:56I'm ready.
29:58Eh?
29:58You said that was some determination.
30:02I'm ready.
30:04Ladies and gentlemen, and all those in between, please put your hands together for Dickie.
30:22Yes.
30:23It's me.
30:25Dickie.
30:27And I'm finally getting married.
30:29And not just to anyone.
30:30I'm getting married to a duke.
30:34I'm getting married.
30:37I'm getting married.
30:39I'm getting married.
30:39To a duke.
30:41To who?
30:42To a duke.
31:10To a duke.
31:31To a duke.
31:35To a duke.
31:43Sorry, chick.
31:44Am I in the right place for the speed awareness course?
31:47Yeah, all right.
31:47Take a seat.
31:49Hey, what are you doing here?
31:50Well, don't give a shit.
31:54Right.
31:55Right.
31:55Away then.
31:55Settle down.
31:58Welcome to the speed awareness course.
31:59My name's Vanessa Yarrison.
32:01Over the next couple of hours, I will be attempting to help you all pass the course.
32:05Fairly to pass means you'll have your driving licence taken off you.
32:08And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today, I will be clamping the fucking thing.
32:12So, are you about to pass?
32:15Er, sorry, chick.
32:16Did you just say the next couple of hours?
32:18I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes.
32:21Well, it would be 60 minutes if you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour.
32:25But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch.
32:29Right, first things first.
32:32Do any of you zone a Toyota Yaris?
32:36I used to have one, but I sold it last year.
32:38Why on earth would you do that?
32:43I'm sorry I'm late.
32:44I was so scared to get caught speeding again that I ended up driving ten mile an hour the whole
32:47way here.
32:48Whoa, whoa, whoa!
32:49Where do you think you're off to?
32:52Er, something's come up.
32:54Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave.
32:57And that means no more driving for you for the next year.
33:06Thought so.
33:09Let me take you back to chapter one.
33:12My childhood.
33:23When I was young, I was a skinny porpa boy living on the streets of Middlesbrough.
33:29And my best friend was a small, weird rat.
33:40Oh, Ratty, I love hanging around with you.
33:42Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am, I know that I could never be as
33:47repulsive as you.
33:49You all right, Dickie? I'm a grotesque, ugly rat who shits himself on an hourly basis.
33:55Hey, I've got an idea. Let's be blood brothers.
34:05And then we drank each other's blood and I got a horrendous rat disease.
34:12Just don't get why, it's always at least half an hour later.
34:15Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
34:17Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him.
34:21Plus, he mentioned he's got an actor playing me in the show and I want to see who he's got.
34:26There it is, the truth comes out. It's actually all about you.
34:29Oh, come on. Let's just go in.
34:30I couldn't think of anything worse than watching that absolute loser show.
34:34In an old folks home, babe.
34:35Yeah, go on. I'll wait in the car.
34:37Well, suit yourself.
34:43Oh my God, I'm absolutely buzzing. They can't get enough of me out there.
34:46I just see that guy in the front row. He was proper dancing along.
34:49He was actually having a seizure, Dickie. You had to wheel him out.
34:52Did anyone see any agents? I was trying to have a look, but it's hard when you're in the zone,
34:57do you know what I mean?
34:58Maybe. I was also in the zone, so I didn't really notice.
35:00I suppose there was people there that could have been agents when they were younger.
35:04Yeah.
35:04You know, it's true what they say, isn't it?
35:06There really is no business like show business.
35:09Oi! How long are you lot going to be in here? I can't hear myself. Think.
35:17Hiya, Dickie.
35:18Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary. Did you get the script I sent you?
35:20I did, yeah. I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together. Possibly go through a few
35:25changes.
35:25Afraid not, babes. I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway. It's the story of my life.
35:29It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with.
35:33Oh, you've got to hold yourself, Gary. It's called acting.
35:36Sorry, Dickie. I was under the impression it was just going to be like a 20-minute drag show, not
35:41an autobiographical musical.
35:43The residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers, so if you could just speed things up a bit, kid,
35:48I'd really appreciate that.
35:49Oh, thank you. Did you hear that? They're gagging for me to get back on stage.
35:55Right, come on then, you lot. The show must go on.
35:59Wanna watch the show, Beryl?
36:00No, not for me. I can't stand drag queens, fruity twats.
36:08Fair enough, babe.
36:11Brum, brum!
36:14This is the steering wheel of truth. And when you're holding it, I want the honest truth from all of
36:20you about why you chose to speed.
36:27Okay, erm, well, my name is Paula. I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
36:34Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
36:37No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20. You see, I've just moved back to the area and
36:41when I lived here before it was 30.
36:42I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton. Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please.
36:50My name is Mum.
36:52And what is your truth, Mum?
36:55I don't think you can handle my truth.
36:59Well, I think I'll be okay.
37:01Alright. The truth is I have struggled every day for the past 15 years because the mother of my child
37:06decided to take my son away from me.
37:10Right. And what speed were you doing?
37:12Well, my truth is that the husband I loved had been lying to me about who he was for our
37:17entire marriage.
37:19May I remind the group how extremely difficult it was to come out back then.
37:24All I wanted was acceptance and all I got was rejection.
37:26I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms and being suddenly told that your husband of
37:3310 years has never actually found you sexually attractive can feel pretty damn rejecting.
37:43Oh, fucking hell.
37:45What the fuck was that?
37:46It's called hazard perception, mate. Today, it was just a ball. Tomorrow, could be a child.
37:57Chapter five. Coming out.
38:00You know, guys, not a lot of people know this about me because I'm such a confident, horny guy, but
38:06coming out to my family was hard.
38:08There was one family member in particular who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality.
38:13Uncle Gary.
38:18I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays. One day I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going
38:24to come out to him.
38:28Hey, Uncle Gary.
38:30Hello, Dickie.
38:35I hate all homosexuals.
38:39I'd add another note. I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in and see if you fancied
38:43coming to watch the game at the pub this weekend.
38:46What do you mean by game? Croquet?
38:48Nah, mate. The footy.
38:51Oh, that. I guess I'll think about it. Anyway, I gotta tell you something.
38:58I'm gay.
38:59Right. Well, in that case, I don't want anything to do with you, you massive willy wolfman.
39:12So there I was, cast out by my uncle, hoist by my own petard.
39:19What was a young, virile homosexual to do?
39:22But then suddenly I had a brainwave. I had to go straight.
39:26God, if I was straight, maybe, maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me.
39:41So, you been keeping well?
39:43I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.
39:45Right. No problem.
39:48I don't even know what you want from me.
39:50I thought you didn't want to talk.
39:51I don't.
39:55Don't get why you're here.
39:57I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
40:01Not here. Here.
40:03Look.
40:05I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry.
40:08And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
40:11Forcing all my friends to disown me?
40:13Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
40:17Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved to bury St fucking Edmunds?
40:20I didn't know how to cope with it.
40:22I mean, I'd never met a gay person before.
40:24You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto.
40:26It wasn't easy for me either.
40:28I loved you and you'd been lying to me.
40:30I wasn't as simple as that.
40:32Really?
40:49It was a weird time.
40:52I didn't know who I was.
40:54I didn't even know what I was.
40:56And so, yes, I...
40:58I lied about certain things and for that, I'm sorry.
41:05But one thing I didn't lie about was the love I had for you.
41:11I friggin' loved you, Paula.
41:14And I loved...
41:16I still love our son.
41:19I never wanted Ed to be without his dad.
41:21I was just trying to protect him.
41:22Protect him from what?
41:24The scary big wig?
41:25The evil eyeliner?
41:26The terrifying tits?
41:27The one from the bullies at his school who tormented him when they found out about you.
41:34He was bullied?
41:35You didn't know that, did you?
41:40I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
41:43For Ed and for me.
41:44But I wasn't.
41:46It was wrong.
41:47And I'm really, really sorry.
41:54Ow!
41:55How's it perception, mate?
41:58How do I do it, you guys?
42:00I can't be straight.
42:02I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
42:06I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
42:10Mel!
42:11What's your cue?
42:16How do I become the man Uncle Gary wants me to be?
42:23How do I do it?
42:26What do I do to do it?
42:29Come on, Dickie.
42:31You've been in the closet before.
42:33It's time to climb back in.
42:35If I want to become straight,
42:37I'm gonna have to start dressing like these straight guys.
42:40But what sort of things do they wear?
42:44Wait.
42:45I got it.
42:47Boot cut jeans.
42:50I remember boot cut jeans.
42:55How, you guys?
42:57Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right.
43:01What sort of things do these straight guys say?
43:05Come on, Dickie.
43:06Think!
43:08Wait.
43:09I've got it.
43:11She's fit.
43:13That lass over there is fit.
43:18I like her bum and her boobs and her mascara.
43:25Guys, I don't want to jinx it, but...
43:28I think I'm straight!
43:31Lack up your daughters.
43:34I'm coming for your daughters.
43:38Give me your daughters!
43:50Right, it's the interval now, so...
43:53Quick, get this jacket on me, Sal.
43:55I've had to get Stuart to do his shit-tap routine.
43:57He's probably sucking the energy out the room.
44:01Stop!
44:04Where the hell's Neil?
44:06Oh, thank Christ.
44:07What time did you call this, Neil?
44:08Sorry, Dickie.
44:09Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here.
44:12One of them took my shoe.
44:15I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil.
44:17Here.
44:18This is the script.
44:19You're playing the role of Harrison.
44:21I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand,
44:22so familiarise yourself with it, please.
44:25Sal, I need you to get a hold of mum
44:26and find out how long she's going to be.
44:27Aye, aye, Captain.
44:30Remember, Neil.
44:31Don't be shit.
44:33Fucking hot.
44:35Right.
44:36Do you want the good news or the bad news?
44:38Bad news is, I've got to start this.
44:41Again.
44:42And the good news is, it's the end of the course and you've all passed.
44:46Fucking getting!
44:48Except for you.
44:49What?
44:50By me?
44:50Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do should be allowed to drive.
44:54You sold your Yaris.
44:56Clearly you're not right in the fucking head.
45:00Laters!
45:03Hey you fucking moron.
45:05Hey you fucking moron.
45:07Hey you fucking moron.
45:08Hey you fucking moron!
45:16I heard you might be about.
45:18Jacinda, I'm so glad to see you.
45:20I've got something to show you.
45:22What is it, Neil?
45:23Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
45:25Well...
45:25Are you kidding me?
45:27Oh no, look.
45:30Coriander?
45:31No, it's meant to say Lucinda.
45:35I suppose I can sort of see that.
45:43Well, are you going to kiss or not?
45:47Chapter 17.
45:49Heartbreak.
45:50I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.
45:54Well, his name was Harrison.
46:06Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me.
46:10Which I thought was cruel.
46:13Albeit true.
46:15Hello Harrison, my love.
46:17Oh, hi.
46:17You fucking moron.
46:19I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen.
46:23But I'm dropping you like a SACK OF SHIT.
46:26No.
46:27Don't do this.
46:28Think about the life we built together.
46:30Get to fuck.
46:34I'm sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.
46:37I can't help my beauty.
46:40Yeah, that's not how it happened.
46:45I've literally just come out, Salchick.
46:47I'm sprinting all the way now.
46:49Okay, see you in a bit.
46:50The absolute bellend!
46:53Need a lift?
46:57No, I'll manage, thanks.
47:02Hi, chick.
47:03Where the hell are you?
47:04We're nearly at the finale.
47:06I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time.
47:08We need your strong arms for the ending.
47:10Ma'am?
47:12Ma'am?
47:17I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my queues.
47:21I'm trying my hardest, mate, but your queue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.
47:26Excuses, excuses.
47:32I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years.
47:42Listen, before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.
47:53He's a proper adult now and everything.
47:58Thanks for the lift.
48:02I know those are my earrings, by the way.
48:05Find to keep them.
48:10Ooh.
48:14My wedding to the Duke is finally here.
48:18But who is the Duke, I hear you all cry.
48:23Oh, here he is now.
48:26Who is the Duke?
48:29The Duke is me.
48:32Because the person I've grown to love is myself.
48:44That's right, boys.
48:47Dickie's back.
48:48Dickie never even left.
48:51Hey, you guys.
48:52You want to know a secret?
48:54Yeah.
48:55Yeah.
48:55I had an epiphany today.
48:58What was your epiphany, Dickie?
49:00You really want to know my epiphany?
49:02Yeah.
49:04Cooey.
49:04Oh, it's you.
49:07All right, Arabella.
49:08What are you doing here?
49:10Oh, just picking up Mel.
49:11We've got a hot date tonight.
49:13Right.
49:19Probably going to be a real steamy sesh tonight if you catch my drift.
49:25That's great to hear, babe.
49:28Okay, I'll tell you.
49:30My epiphany was that I don't need no man.
49:34You want to know why?
49:36Because I'm in love with myself.
49:43You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this, but Mel isn't into weird mole creatures,
49:49so I'd give up now if I were you.
49:52Are you taking the piss?
49:53No, babe.
49:54I'm not taking the piss.
49:58Read my lips.
49:59She's not going to fuck you.
50:04How are you then, dickhead?
50:05Let's go!
50:07Come here!
50:08Get you filthy hands off me!
50:09God, maiden Chelsea, cow!
50:12Lift me higher, boys!
50:15Higher for fuck's sake.
50:16We're trying!
50:18You're too heavy!
50:19We're trying to say, Lucinda.
50:21Let the whole world see that I don't need a man.
50:25Cause I got me.
50:27I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love.
50:31You stupid lies!
50:32You stupid lies!
50:33I'm in love with myself!
50:36Whoa!
50:39Fuckin' hell!
50:42She is a fucking liar with the team.
50:44I'm not joking, babe.
50:45The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.
51:03What a show!
51:05Listen, I was wondering if you had representation.
51:08That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.
51:12Ah, the name's Shingles.
51:14Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.
51:18I'd like to buy you a coffee and have a chat about representing you.
51:22No way!
51:23Barry, come on.
51:24Get overjew your meds.
51:26Bobby, he's got a business card and everything!
51:28It's a cheese slice, mate.
51:31The name's Shingles.
51:33Barry Shingles from Shingles Associates.
51:37Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.
51:38No, no.
51:39He's the next big thing, I tell you.
51:43Well done, Dickie.
51:46It was...
51:47Well, it was different.
51:50Cheers, babe.
51:53Ea, what are you doing now?
51:55Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
51:59I suppose I could have half a sherry.
52:01What are you still doing in here?
52:03We finished ages ago.
52:05Howie?
52:07Actually, I'm going to get Dickie a quick drink at the pub.
52:11Er...
52:11No, you're not.
52:14Er...
52:14Yeah, I am.
52:17Fuck this.
52:27Ea, congrats on your tap routine today, hun.
52:29They bloody loved it.
52:30You practically stole the show.
52:32Who's in there?
52:33I'm stuck right here.
52:36What's that, ma'am?
52:38It's a photo of Ed.
52:39Who the fuck's Ed?
52:40It's my son.
52:42It's all grown up.
52:44It's given to me by Paula.
52:48Let us see, ma'am.
52:51Oh, man.
52:53Oh, man.
52:55Oh...
52:55Oh, it's fucking like.
53:02Oh, man.
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