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We deliver full episodes of top drama series across romance, thriller, mystery, crime, and emotional storytelling. From Turkish dramas and Asian series to global hits, our content is carefully selected to match what audiences are searching for right now.
SeriesVerse Global specializes in multi-language subtitles, including English Sub, Español Sub, and Arabic Sub, helping viewers from all over the world enjoy their favorite shows without language barriers.
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Short filmTranscript
00:01It was that time of year again, Mr. Teesside Beauty Pageant, a competition based on beauty,
00:09talent and bulges.
00:11Every town in the Tees Valley was eligible, and every man and his dog wanted that cash
00:16prize.
00:1720,000 big ones, and the men of Teesside will do anything, and I mean anything, to
00:25win that title.
00:46You won't say me.
00:51You took your time.
00:54I couldn't remember where I put my favourite trilby.
00:56Take a seat.
01:07What's Mr. Teesside?
01:08Only the biggest competition in the Teess Valley.
01:16Alright, then what's that gotta do with me?
01:23This is my master plan, Bobby.
01:27I've been working on this for a number of years, and I've finally figured out the formula.
01:38formula for what?
01:40The formula to win...
01:42Mr. Teesside!
01:50Right?
01:53Let me introduce you to one of the finalists of Mr. Teesside, representing my beautiful
02:01hometown.
02:02I'll stop.
02:04I'll stop.
02:04Looks like he's not gonna make it to the competition.
02:10So that's where you come in, Bobby.
02:12But why me?
02:13I'm not even from Teesside, I'm from South Shields.
02:15Not anymore!
02:20Listen very closely.
02:23Can I just stop you?
02:25I'm sorry to interrupt, but is this all true?
02:30What, you're unvoused?
02:31That just feels a bit far-fetched and overly stylised.
02:35I'm trying to create a bit of drama for you, babe.
02:38I know you tabloid people love a bit of sensationalism.
02:42Well, we're not really about that here at the North East Journal.
02:45Our readers appreciate the truth, so what I'm more interested in is what happened at
02:48the competition itself, and more importantly, the cheating scandal that occurred.
02:52Well, in that case, I'll start at the very beginning.
02:56It's a very good place to start, Jake.
02:58I remember it like it was yesterday.
03:07I still couldn't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:11had made it to the final of Mr Teesside.
03:13I still can't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:16has made it to the final of Mr Teesside.
03:18Oi! Stop being such a bitter old queen just because you didn't get chosen.
03:21Ma'am, do you think we'll make it on time?
03:24We can't hear emails saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
03:26I've gone as fast as I can, chick.
03:28Stay still, Stuart. This stubble's going everywhere.
03:31I can't help it. Why do I need stubble?
03:33Listen, hon, I've been to Mr Teesside every year for a decade,
03:36so I know what makes a winner.
03:38And as lovely as your smooth baby-faced skin is,
03:40I know for a fact that those horny judges love a bit of rough.
03:43I've got all your outfits in that suitcase, so I'll come backstage and help you change.
03:46Oh, thanks, Lucinda.
03:48You really don't need to do all this for me.
03:50I'm not going to lie, hon, I'm actually doing it for all of us.
03:52If you were Mr Teesside, you'd be able to get us into every VIP area in the Tees Valley.
03:58Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
04:00What's the matter?
04:00That friggin' speed cam has just flashed at me.
04:02I think it's the wrong one!
04:05Okay, now.
04:06Shiver, Sal.
04:08You okay, Sal?
04:09I'm sorry, lads. I must have been dreaming.
04:13Here, how we getting on, ma'am?
04:14I told Mel I'd meet her half an hour ago.
04:17We're supposed to be on stage now.
04:18We're just around the corner, chick.
04:20My God.
04:21I'm trapped by shitting myself.
04:23You'll be amazing, hon.
04:26I was profoundly grateful when we arrived at the venue,
04:28as the stench of Stuart's desperation had contaminated the air inside the ice cream van.
04:34Come on, you lot. In you go.
04:42Isn't that Nan?
04:44What's that haggard old wench doing here?
04:47I don't know, but she's looking proper shifty.
04:49I think she's with the Mr Stockton finalist.
04:51He looks familiar.
04:55Why was Nan acting so suspicious?
04:58Who was that bald, muscly twink?
05:00I had to investigate, and I instantly knew who to call.
05:04Well, this was the job.
05:07For Detective Sexy.
05:12I mean, you definitely weren't that quick getting into that costume.
05:14Did I interrupt you?
05:15Haven't let anyone else talk?
05:18I'm blind!
05:19Sorry about this.
05:29The smell of beer-saturated carpets and excited menopausal women.
05:34Could mean only one thing.
05:36Mr Teesside.
05:46There was something really slippery about Mr Stockton.
05:49And I just had to find out who he was.
06:00That's the only thing with calling on Detective Sexy.
06:03No matter how hard she tries to stay undercover.
06:07The straight lads can't go enough.
06:14I don't remember that happening, actually, Dickie.
06:16Yeah, well, I don't remember you happening, Stuart.
06:18What?
06:18What?
06:20Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
06:22Maybe I could just get a brief summary from someone else.
06:26How about you?
06:27I'll start at the very beginning.
06:29It's a pretty good place to start, Chick.
06:31We were on the way to the Mr Teesside beauty pageant.
06:35I could not believe I'd been picked to represent Borough.
06:37It seemed like a lifetime ago that I'd submitted my audition video
06:40where I tap danced to Meghan Trainor's All About That Bass
06:43for Middlesbrough Council.
06:45And now, here we were on the way to the final.
06:49Ma'am, do you think we're going to make it on time?
06:51I've got an email saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
06:54I'm going as fast as I can, Chick.
06:57Stay still, Stuart.
06:58The stubble's going everywhere.
07:00Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
07:01I think it's the wrong one.
07:04Come on, you lot. In you go.
07:08It was magical inside.
07:11People had gathered from all over the Tees Valley.
07:13Some had even come all the way from Hartlepool.
07:16You're late, Mr Middlesbrough.
07:18There'll be a point deducted for that.
07:20Come with me.
07:24This is the station.
07:25We're starting soon to get ready to go on.
07:27The six contestants from the Tees Valley
07:29that had made it to the final
07:30were getting ready backstage.
07:34Just as I thought.
07:36What?
07:37It's Nadia on the judging panel again.
07:39She never misses a year.
07:40She's the one you've got to impress, Stuart.
07:42She has the most influence
07:44and she's the one who likes them rough
07:46and ready and hairy.
07:48Well, I've got my stubble on.
07:50We're going to need more than stubble.
07:53More?
07:56I know for a fact she loves a hairy chest.
08:00Get this on.
08:02Yes.
08:04Should we go?
08:07Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
08:09Not this tutting tit.
08:10Oh, hi guys.
08:13Didn't realise you were in the final, Stuart.
08:15Congrats.
08:16You too, Neil.
08:23Okay.
08:23Well, I'd better go to my station.
08:25Get ready for the first round.
08:49Fuck's sake.
08:50I'm starting to find it a bit weird
08:51you bring this costume everywhere you go, hon.
08:53Listen.
08:54There's something unsavory going on.
08:56I'm not talking about Stuart's aftershave.
08:58What you on about?
08:59That bald lad over there.
09:00Mr. Stockton.
09:01He arrived with Nan
09:03that we're being all suspicious.
09:04If he does anything out of the ordinary,
09:06let me know.
09:07Hmm?
09:08Okey-dokey, hon.
09:09Hmm?
09:10Okay.
09:16You all right, chick?
09:17What happened, Sal?
09:18Fell back off me chest, you.
09:20You okay, hon?
09:22Oh, aye.
09:25Why don't you tell us what you remember about the competition?
09:28Oh, right, babe.
09:29I suppose it's best that I start at the very beginning.
09:32It's not such a bad place to start, chick.
09:46So which colour wire do I cut like?
09:48Try the green one, babe.
09:51There isn't a green one.
09:52Hmm.
09:53I go yellow.
09:54What would you do, Stuart?
09:55No, that's me.
09:55I'm colour blind.
09:56Ten seconds left, Lucid.
09:58Help me out.
09:59I've got a red horn.
10:00Are you sure?
10:01Never been more sure of anything.
10:09Help!
10:10I think it's the wrong one!
10:14You okay, Sal?
10:15Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't need to know what sudden dreams you've had.
10:20Not even the sex dream involving Hillary Clinton and Kea Starmer.
10:23Why don't I take over, hon?
10:24I have the memory of an elephant.
10:26Go ahead.
10:27I'll start at the very beginning.
10:29It's a bountiful place to start, chick.
10:31I think I've got a good idea of what happened.
10:33I was buzzing when Stuart told me he made it through to the final of Mr Teesside.
10:37I felt like we had a real advantage.
10:39Because I have been to every single Mr Teesside that has ever been.
10:43So I knew how to win.
10:45Stay still, Stuart.
10:46This double's going everywhere!
10:47Sorry to interrupt, but I've already heard this detail and I don't have a lot of time,
10:50so if you don't-
11:02Oh!
11:02Fairy cakes are ready!
11:04Ooh!
11:05Ooh!
11:06Anyone fancy a fairy cake?
11:08Ooh!
11:08Yes, please!
11:10For fuck's sake!
11:12We're just about to finally get to the next part of the fucking story!
11:16I'm sorry, Jake.
11:18Listen.
11:19Why don't I take over from here?
11:21Fine.
11:22But please, just get to the point.
11:27Oh!
11:28Right!
11:28I'll start at the very beginning.
11:30No!
11:31Stop starting at the fucking beginning, you morons!
11:33Ooh!
11:34Someone doesn't want a fairy cake.
11:36Please.
11:37Please.
11:38If you wouldn't mind, just going from the point with the competition starting.
11:42Well, you see, I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
11:58Mom?
11:59What are you wearing?
12:00Hell, I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
12:03Hey, we can be a sexy detective duo like Cagney and Lacey or Shakespeare and Hathaway.
12:13Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to Mr. Teesside.
12:21Brought to you by Rock Art Energy Products.
12:24It's just glorious we can all gather here annually to celebrate the talent, brains, and anatomies
12:31of our wonderful men from all across the Tees Valley.
12:35So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage, your Mr. Teesside finalists!
12:48Mr. Teesside, you're the future, you're the pride, Mr. Teesside.
12:56Now you stand here side by side, and the gift you leave behind is the promise of tomorrow
13:06for our children.
13:14For our children.
13:20Let's get fucking wild, ladies!
13:28Please, make some noise for Mr. Harley Poole!
13:37Mr. Darlington!
13:43Mr. Stockton!
13:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
13:58Come on, ladies!
14:01Meanwhile, backstage, I was lint rolling Stuart's shorts ready for the short shorts round
14:05which was coming up shortly, when I suddenly remembered what Dickie said.
14:09That bald lad over there, Mr. Stockton.
14:12He arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
14:15If he does anything out of the ordinary, let me know.
14:18Sorry, babe, I'm a bit confused.
14:20Is this a flashback within a flashback?
14:22Yes, hon.
14:23Keep up.
14:24Anyway, I decided this was the perfect snooping opportunity to rummage through the bald,
14:30muscly twink's bag.
14:31Who wants some bald ladle?
14:34The first off is the Harley Poole.
14:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
14:57Mr. Middlesbrough!
15:05I don't know what's happened to him.
15:08Look what I found!
15:09It's Bobby!
15:12I knew I recognised him!
15:13He's not from Stockton, is he?
15:15He's not even from Teaside, he's from South Fucking Shields!
15:17Stuart!
15:19Practice this! Get your legs above your head!
15:25That pose I think that's because pointless is stiff as a bloody barb!
15:29Who's ready for some short shorts?
15:34I've got to go and let Stuart into a short shorts.
15:37There was something massively afoot.
15:40It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to investigate.
15:45So ridiculous.
15:46You are?
15:47I don't know why you chose that name.
15:49What's wrong with it?
15:50I don't know, it's a bit...
15:52It's a bit of a mouthful isn't it?
15:54Oh yeah, cause Detective Sexy rolls right off that frigging tongue.
15:57Anyway, I just about managed to squeeze Stuart's curvaceous Kardashian ass cheeks into the smallest shorts I could find.
16:03And even though the shorts were short, the points were massive.
16:14There is a clear winner in the short shorts round ladies...
16:22Mr Stockton!
16:33And as it's tradition, I will also announce the longest shorts.
16:38And therefore the pathetic shithead loser off his round.
16:41And that person is...
16:42Mr Hartley Poole.
16:48Long shorts wanker!
16:53Oh!
16:54Will you have this for dinner tonight?
16:55Oh yeah!
16:56Will we have beans with it as well?
16:58Oh yeah!
16:59So, it was the talent round next.
17:02And I think this was the moment Nan was hoping to clinch a win for Mr Stockton.
17:05Because Bobby has one of the most beautiful voices.
17:09What the hell's Stuart? Why'd you just marry him?
17:16All right ladies.
17:27When I am down, and oh my soul so weary.
17:33When troubles come, and my heart burdened due.
17:42And I am still in wait here in the silence.
17:51Until you come, and stay a while with me.
17:59You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains.
18:07You raise me up, and I took the waters.
18:18Bobby had blown it.
18:23But Nan had other evil tricks up her sleeve.
18:29She told Nadia that Shirley Ballas was on the phone to compliment her judging skills.
18:37And apparently that Nadia is a total slut for compliments.
18:53Oh, I'm going for a piss.
19:05Hey, hang on. Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
19:09I am, babe. I've tried telling him before his dog shite of tap dancing.
19:13But for some reason he keeps doing it.
19:14Oh, look. It's Nan disguised as one of the judges.
19:19Oh shit. Be right back.
19:23Hiya chick.
19:24Lads, Nan's somehow managed to get onto the judging panel.
19:27You're kidding me. So that was her plan all along.
19:31She's trying to fix Mr Teesside so that Bobby wins.
19:34And she can get all the prize money.
19:40Oh, that's lovely that.
19:42We had all the evidence we needed.
19:45It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to blow Mr Teesside wide open.
19:51The talent round was over.
19:53It was now or never.
19:57Ladies, the judges have deliberated and we have a unanimous decision.
20:06The winner of Mr Teesside is...
20:19Stop!
20:22Stop the competition.
20:25I hope you'll all excuse my intrusion.
20:30But my name is Detective Sexy.
20:33And whilst you've all been enjoying the show,
20:35I've been carrying out a very extensive investigation into a crime.
20:41And the results may come as a shock to some of you.
20:46You see!
20:48Not everything is as it seems.
20:51Somebody on this stage is a fraud!
21:06In my brassiere, I have the driving licence of Mr Stockton.
21:12Or should I say, Mr South Shields?
21:16That's right!
21:18Mr Stockton isn't even from Stockton.
21:20He isn't even from the Tees Valley!
21:23South Shields, Wagner!
21:25Let me call you by your real name.
21:27Bobby.
21:29How did you know?
21:31I'm wearing a bowl cap.
21:33But let's not be too harsh on Bobby ladies.
21:36Because Bobby was merely a puppet in somebody else's porn.
21:41The real puppet master is operating under our very noses.
21:46In plain sight.
21:49Yeah, it's Nanya.
21:50She's right there.
21:51Ma'am?
21:52I was about to do a whole dramatic thing.
22:00You found me out.
22:05Boo, hoo, hoo.
22:07Boo, hoo, hoo.
22:08Clever little gay boys.
22:12Well, let's see how clever you are.
22:16Now!
22:17She's gone, come on!
22:27Get me the twenty grand cash!
22:32Or I'll blow your bastard balls off.
22:37We haven't got the cash, are ya?
22:39You what?
22:40I mean, it's in the bank.
22:41In the...
22:44IN THE BANK!
22:50IN THE BANK!
22:52IN THE BANK!
22:52IN THE BANK!
22:55What's the matter with you?
22:57You never seen a gun go off before?
22:59You put your wolf lip tarts.
23:03That didn't happen, did it?
23:04Actually, it did.
23:07Yeah.
23:07She got arrested and everything.
23:10I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky days.
23:14You'll regret this.
23:15You'll all regret this!
23:19Watch your head, son.
23:20Oh, cheese, man.
23:21Thanks very much.
23:21Really appreciate it.
23:28Dickie?
23:29Is that...?
23:31Yeah.
23:33I think it is.
23:41Your gig phone.
23:42Gig phone?
23:44What's a gig phone?
23:45It's a burner phone.
23:47Whenever Dickie gets booked for a drag show, it comes straight through to that line.
23:51I forgot you had it, to be honest, chick.
23:53Well, answer it!
23:58Hello?
24:00Yeah.
24:03Okay.
24:04No, that's...
24:06Yeah.
24:07Thanks.
24:09Thanks for letting me know.
24:10Okay.
24:12Bye.
24:13Who was that like?
24:14Guys...
24:15I got a drag gig!
24:17Yay!
24:18Oh!
24:20Oh!
24:21Oh!
24:21Oh!
24:22Oh!
24:23Oh, Dickie!
24:24Oh, Dickie!
24:24Stop it!
24:25What a fucking Toma!
24:26Yay!
24:28Woo!
24:29Oh, yes!
24:31What a fucking Toma!
24:36So, when will it be published?
24:39I just need to process it.
24:43So, how did you leave it then?
24:45With this Neil?
24:46Well, I haven't actually told these guys yet, but...
25:00Life's too short.
25:01You what, Neil?
25:03That's what I was thinking when we were about to be shot.
25:06Life's too short.
25:08Okay, hon.
25:10You've got to follow your dreams now, or...
25:12It might be too late.
25:16So...
25:16With that in mind...
25:22What are you doing?
25:24Lucinda.
25:33Would you do me the greatest honor?
25:36For being my wife.
25:41Lucinda.
25:49Well?
25:50What did you say?
26:02Life's too short.
26:03You've got to follow your dreams now, or...
26:05It might be too late.
26:07It might be too late.
26:10What are you doing?
26:13Lucinda.
26:14Would you do me the greatest honor?
26:17Of being my wife.
26:25Well, what did you say?
26:28I was like, no fucking way, Neil.
26:29I've known you for less than a year, you freak.
26:32Could you be quite pleased, Lucinda?
26:33I need you to focus.
26:35My drag show is in four hours, and you're not going to know what to do in the show if
26:38you keep chatting.
26:40Ma'am, are you all good with the sound cues?
26:41About that.
26:43I'm not going to be able to make the show, Dickie.
26:44What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show?
26:47It's that flipping speed camera.
26:49They're making me do a speed awareness course and it clashes.
26:51What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
26:53Here, let me text Mel.
26:54She's good with lesbian stuff like that.
26:57And what about the end of the show?
26:58You're meant to be lifting me up from a big show-stopping finale number.
27:01Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together?
27:04I went to the gym last Tuesday.
27:06Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart.
27:08Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me up with your head.
27:10You need to calm down, hon.
27:12You're not performing at the Palladium, for God's sake.
27:13Well, I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda.
27:16Fear not, Dickie Chicky.
27:17The course only lasts an hour, so I shall be able to shoot back and make the end of the
27:21show.
27:22Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dickster?
27:24It's just a show.
27:25It's not just a show, sir, you silly knobhead.
27:28Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along, so it needs to go well.
27:34Ooh, that's exciting. Have any replied?
27:37Well, you could say that. What does that mean?
27:41Well, I've had a few out-of-office replies.
27:45Right, let's go again from the top, please. Come on.
27:48First positions, everyone.
27:52When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
28:04What's it looking like out there, Sal?
28:06It's filling up, babe. Think you'll have a good crowd.
28:09Can you see any agents?
28:11It's hard to tell.
28:12Is Mel here yet?
28:13Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front.
28:15She better not fuck this up for me, Sal.
28:16I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time.
28:19Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today. Hope you don't mind.
28:23You could have told me first, Dickie. I'm still not talking to him.
28:26I'm sure you'll cope, babe.
28:27Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre.
28:30I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am.
28:31Yes, Dickie. Chekov, Pinter, Zoopla. I've done a lot. Monologues coming out my arse.
28:37I'd love to hear one of your monologues. Can you remember any?
28:41It's been such a long time.
28:43No worries, that makes sense.
28:44June 15th, 1856.
28:50Wilbur went together, eggs in the barn.
28:54And when he walked back in, he was crying.
28:58I said, what on God's green earth is that matter, Wilbur?
29:04He pointed at the window.
29:07I looked out.
29:10It was raining.
29:12Raining for the first time in 15 years.
29:17Wilbur was crying with joy at the fact the crops could finally have a chance for life.
29:27Oh, wow.
29:27Beautiful performance.
29:28Wow, man.
29:29Permitted.
29:29Second, absolutely exceptional.
29:31Oh, friggin' hell.
29:32Better get going about this friggin' speed awareness course.
29:34Promise me you'll be back in time for the finale.
29:36You've got to lift me up, remember?
29:37Course, chick.
29:38Ta-ra.
29:38Bye, man.
29:39See you later, sir.
29:42Aye, Dickie.
29:43Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute.
29:45Oh, absolutely no props, babes.
29:47Luckily, I had a small window in my schedule.
29:50Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us.
29:52Anyway, I think they're all in now, so whenever you're ready.
29:56I'm ready.
29:58Aye?
29:58You said that was some determination.
30:02I'm ready.
30:04Ladies and gentlemen, and all those in between,
30:08please put your hands together for Dickie.
30:22Yes.
30:24It's me.
30:25Dickie.
30:27And I'm finally getting married.
30:29And not just to anyone.
30:30I'm getting married to a Duke.
30:35I'm getting married.
30:37I'm getting married.
30:39I'm getting married.
30:39To a Duke.
30:41To who?
30:42To a Duke.
30:43To a Duke.
30:44Oh.
30:45Oh, and look, my bridesmaids are here.
30:48And they're telling me how beautiful I look.
30:50You look beautiful.
30:51Very nice, yeah.
30:52They won't upstage me though.
30:54Because they're disgusting.
30:56I'm getting married.
30:59I'm getting married.
31:01To a Duke.
31:02To who?
31:03To a Duke.
31:05Oh.
31:07He'll bring me flowers in the morning.
31:10He'll kiss my cheek without pre-warning.
31:14And then we'll fuck.
31:16Oh.
31:18We will dance in the rain.
31:21He'll make me feel insane.
31:25Ah!
31:28I'm getting married.
31:31I'm getting married.
31:33To a Duke.
31:43Sorry, chick.
31:44Am I in the right place for the Speed Awareness course?
31:47Yeah, all right.
31:47Take a seat.
31:49Hey, what are you doing here?
31:50Well.
31:50Don't give a shit.
31:54Right.
31:55Away then.
31:55Settle down.
31:58Welcome to the Speed Awareness course.
31:59My name's Vanessa Yarris.
32:01And over the next couple of hours,
32:02I will be attempting to help you all pass the course.
32:05Failure to pass means you'll have your driving licence taken off you.
32:08And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today,
32:11I will be clamping the fucking thing.
32:13So, you better pass.
32:15Sorry, chick.
32:16Did you just say the next couple of hours?
32:18I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes.
32:21Well, it would be 60 minutes if you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour.
32:25But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch.
32:29Right, first things first.
32:32Do any of you zone a Toyota Yarris?
32:36I used to have one, but I sold it last year.
32:39Why on earth would you do that?
32:43I'm sorry I'm late.
32:44I was so scared to get caught speeding again that I ended up driving 10 mile an hour the whole
32:47way here.
32:49Whoa, whoa, whoa!
32:49Where do you think you're off to?
32:53Something's come up.
32:54Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave.
32:57And that means no more driving for you for the next year.
33:06Thought so?
33:09Let me take you back to chapter one.
33:12My childhood.
33:23When I was young, I was a skinny porpa boy living on the streets of Middlesbrough.
33:29And my best friend was a small weird rat.
33:40Oh, Ratty. I love hanging around with you.
33:42Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am,
33:45I know that I could never be as repulsive as you.
33:49You're right, Dicky.
33:50I'm a grotesque, ugly rat who shits himself on an hourly basis.
33:55Hey, I've got an idea.
33:57Let's be blood brothers.
34:01Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
34:05And then we drank each other's blood and I got a horrendous rat disease.
34:12Just don't get why it's always at least half an hour later.
34:15Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
34:18Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him.
34:21Plus he mentioned he's got an act to play me in the show and I want to see who he's
34:24got.
34:26There it is. The truth comes out. It's actually all about you.
34:29Oh, come on. Let's just go in.
34:30I couldn't think of anything worse than watching that absolute loser show.
34:34No, no, folks won't be.
34:35Yeah, go on. I'll wait in the car.
34:37Well, suit yourself.
34:43Oh my God, I'm absolutely buzzing.
34:45They can't get enough of me out there.
34:46Did you see that guy in the front row? He was proper dancing along.
34:49He was actually having a seizure, Dicky.
34:50You had to wheel him out.
34:52Did anyone see any agents?
34:54I was trying to have a look but it's hard when you're in the zone, do you know what I
34:57mean?
34:57You may be. I was also in the zone so I didn't really notice.
35:01I suppose there was people there that could have been agents when they were younger.
35:04Yeah.
35:04You know it's true what they say, isn't it?
35:06There really is no business like show business.
35:10Oi!
35:11How long are you lot going to be in here?
35:14I can't hear myself. Think.
35:17Hiya, Dicky.
35:17Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary. Did you get the script I sent you?
35:20I did, yeah.
35:21I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together.
35:24Possibly go through a few changes.
35:26Afraid not, babes.
35:27I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway. It's the story of my life.
35:29It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with.
35:33Oh, gotta hold yourself, Gary. It's called acting.
35:36Sorry, Dicky. I was under the impression it was just going to be like a 20-minute drag show,
35:40not an autobiographical musical.
35:43The residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers,
35:46so if you could just speed things up a bit, kid, I'd really appreciate that.
35:52Did you hear that?
35:53They're gagging for me to get back on stage.
35:55Right, come on then, you lot. The show must go on.
35:59Wanna watch the show, Beryl?
36:00No, not for me. I can't stand drag queens, fruity twats.
36:08Fair enough, babe.
36:11Vroom, vroom!
36:14This is the steering wheel of truth, and when you're holding it,
36:18I want the honest truth from all of you about why you chose to speed.
36:27OK, erm, well, my name is Paula. I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
36:34Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
36:37No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20. You see, I've just moved back to the area,
36:41and when I lived here before, it was 30.
36:42I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton.
36:46Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please.
36:50My name is Mum.
36:52And what is your truth, Mum?
36:55I don't think you can handle my truth.
36:59Oh, I think I'll be OK.
37:01Alright. The truth is, I have struggled every day for the past 15 years
37:05because the mother of my child decided to take my son away from me!
37:10Right. And what speed were you doing?
37:12Well, my truth is that the husband I loved had been lying to me about who he was for our
37:18entire marriage.
37:19May I remind the group how extremely difficult it was to come out back then?
37:24All I wanted was acceptance, and all I got was rejection!
37:27I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms,
37:31and being suddenly told that your husband of 10 years has never actually found you sexually attractive
37:36can feel pretty damn rejecting.
37:44Oh! Fuckin' hell!
37:45What the fuck was that?!
37:46It's called Hazard Perception, mate.
37:48Today, it was just a ball.
37:51Tomorrow, could be a child.
37:57Chapter 5. Coming Out.
38:01You know, guys, not a lot of people know this about me because I'm such a confident, horny guy,
38:06but coming out to my family was hard.
38:08There was one family member in particular who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality.
38:13Uncle Gary.
38:18I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays.
38:22One day I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna come out to him.
38:28Hey, Uncle Gary.
38:30Hello, Dickie.
38:35I hate all homosexuals.
38:39I'd add another note.
38:40I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in and see if you fancied coming to watch a
38:44game at the pub this weekend.
38:46What do you mean by game? Croquet?
38:48Nah, mate. The footy.
38:51Oh, that.
38:53I guess I'll think about it.
38:55Anyway, I gotta tell you something.
38:58I'm gay.
39:00Right.
39:01Well, in that case, I don't want anything to do with you.
39:05You massive willy wolfman.
39:12So there I was.
39:14Cast out by my uncle.
39:16Hoist by my own petard.
39:18What was a young, virile homosexual to do?
39:22But then suddenly I had a brainwave.
39:24I had to go straight.
39:26God, if I was straight, maybe, maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me.
39:41So, you been keeping well?
39:43I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.
39:45Right. No problem.
39:48I don't even know what you want from me.
39:50I thought you didn't want to talk.
39:51I don't.
39:55Don't get why you're here.
39:57I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
40:01Not here. Here.
40:03Look.
40:05I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry.
40:08And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
40:11Forcing all my friends to disown me?
40:13Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
40:17Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved to Bury St fucking Edmunds?
40:20I didn't know how to cope with it.
40:22I mean, I'd never met a gay person before.
40:24You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto.
40:26It wasn't easy for me either.
40:28I loved you and you'd been lying to me.
40:30I wasn't as simple as that.
40:32Really?
40:43It was a weird time.
40:52I didn't know who I was.
40:53I didn't even know what I was.
40:56And so, yes, I...
40:58I lied about certain things and for that, I'm sorry.
41:05But one thing I didn't lie about was the love I had for you.
41:11I freaking loved you, Paula.
41:14And I loved...
41:16I still love our son.
41:19I never wanted Ed to be without his dad.
41:21I was just trying to protect him.
41:23Protect him from what?
41:24The scary big wig, the evil eyeliner, the terrifying tits?
41:27The one from the bullies at his school who tormented him when they found out about you.
41:34He was bullied?
41:35You didn't know that, did you?
41:40I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
41:43For Ed and for me.
41:44But I wasn't.
41:46It was wrong.
41:47And I'm really, really sorry.
41:54Ow!
41:55Hazard perception, mate!
41:58How do I do it, you guys?
42:00I can't be straight.
42:02I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
42:06I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
42:11Mel!
42:11What's your cue?
42:16How do I become the man Uncle Gary wants me to be?
42:22How do I do it?
42:25What do I do to do it?
42:29Come on, Dickie!
42:31You've been in the closet before!
42:32It's time to climb back in!
42:35If I want to become straight, I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys.
42:41But what sort of things do they wear?
42:44Wait!
42:45I got it!
42:47Boot cut jeans!
42:50I remember boot cut jeans!
42:54I remember boot cut jeans!
42:55I remember boot cut jeans!
42:56How are you guys?
42:57Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right.
43:01What sort of things do these straight guys say?
43:04Hey!
43:05Come on, Dickie!
43:07Think!
43:08Wait!
43:09I've got it!
43:11She's fit!
43:13That lass over there is fit!
43:18I like her bum and her boobs and her mascara!
43:25Guys, I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'm straight!
43:31Lack up your daughters!
43:34I'm coming for your daughters!
43:38Give me your daughters!
43:48Give me your daughters!
43:50Right, it's an interval now, so...
43:53Quick, get this jacket on me cell.
43:55I've had to get Stuart to do his shit-tap routine.
43:57He's probably sucking the energy out of the room.
44:04Where the hell's Neil?
44:06Oh, thank Christ!
44:07What time did you call this, Neil?
44:08Sorry, Dickie.
44:09Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here.
44:12One of them took my shoe.
44:15I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil!
44:17Here, this is the script.
44:19You're playing the role of Harrison.
44:21I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand,
44:23so familiarise yourself with it, please.
44:25Thal, I need you to get hold of Mum and find out how long she's going to be.
44:27Aye, aye, Captain.
44:30Remember, Neil.
44:31Don't be shit!
44:33Good lord.
44:35Right.
44:36Do you want the good news or the bad news?
44:39Bad news is, I've got the stiders.
44:41Again.
44:43And the good news is, it's the end of the course and you've all passed.
44:46Fucking getting!
44:48Except for you.
44:49What?
44:50By me?
44:51Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do should be allowed to drive.
44:55You sold your, Yaris.
44:56Clearly you're not right in the fucking head.
45:00Laters!
45:03Hey, you fucking moron.
45:05Hey, you fucking moron.
45:07Hey, you fucking moron!
45:16I heard you might be about.
45:18Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.
45:20I've got something to show you.
45:22What is it, Neil?
45:23Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
45:25Well...
45:26Are you kidding me?
45:27Oh no, look!
45:31Coriander?
45:31No, it's meant to say Lucinda.
45:35I suppose I can sort of see that.
45:43Well, are you going to kiss or not?
45:47Chapter 17.
45:49Heartbreak.
45:50I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.
45:54Well, his name was Harrison.
46:06Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me.
46:10Which...
46:11I thought was cruel.
46:13Albeit true.
46:15Hello Harrison, my love.
46:17Oh, hi!
46:17You fucking moron!
46:19I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen.
46:23But I'm dropping you like a SACK OF SHIT!
46:26No!
46:27Don't do this!
46:28Think about the life we built together!
46:30Get to fuck.
46:34Sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.
46:37I can't help my beauty!
46:39Yeah!
46:40That's not how it happened!
46:45I've literally just come out, Salchick.
46:47I'm sprinting all the way now.
46:49Okay, see you in a bit.
46:51The absolute bellend!
46:53Need a lift?
46:57No, I'll manage, thanks.
47:02Hi, Chick.
47:03Where the hell are you?
47:04We're nearly at the finale.
47:06I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time.
47:08We need your strong arms for the ending.
47:10Ma'am?
47:16Ma'am?
47:17I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my cues.
47:21I'm trying my orders, mate, but your cue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.
47:25Excuses, excuses!
47:32I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years.
47:42Listen, before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.
47:53He's a proper adult now and everything.
47:58Thanks for the lift.
48:02I know those are my earrings, by the way.
48:05Find to keep them.
48:10Ooh!
48:14My wedding to the Duke is finally here.
48:18But who is the Duke, I hear you all cry.
48:23Oh, here he is now!
48:26Who is the Duke?
48:29The Duke is me.
48:32Because the person I've grown to love is myself.
48:44That's right, boys!
48:47Dickie's back!
48:48Dickie never even left!
48:51Hey, you guys!
48:52You wanna know a secret?
48:54Yeah!
48:55Yeah!
48:55I had an epiphany today!
48:58What was your epiphany, Dickie?
48:59Oh, you really wanna know my epiphany?
49:02Yeah!
49:04Cooey!
49:06Oh, it's you.
49:07Alright, Arabella?
49:08What are you doing here?
49:10Oh, just picking up Mel.
49:12We've got a hot date tonight.
49:14Right.
49:19Probably gonna be a real steamy sesh tonight, if you catch my drift.
49:25That's great to hear, babe.
49:28Okay, I'll tell ya!
49:30My epiphany was that I don't need no man.
49:34You wanna know why?
49:36Cause I'm in love with my Dale.
49:43You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this, but Mel isn't into weird, moral creatures, so...
49:50I'd give up now if I were you.
49:52Are you taking the piss?
49:53No, babe.
49:54I'm not taking the piss.
49:58Read my lips.
49:59She's not going to fuck you.
50:04Howay then, dickhead! Let's go!
50:07Come here!
50:08Get your filthy hands off me!
50:09God, maiden Chelsea, cow!
50:12Lift me higher, boys!
50:15Higher for fuck's sake.
50:17We're trying!
50:18You're too heavy!
50:19What's that say, Lucinda?
50:21Let the whole world see that I don't need a man.
50:25Cause I got me.
50:27I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love.
50:31You stupid lies!
50:32You stupid lies!
50:33I'm in love with my Dale.
50:39Fucking hell!
50:42She is a fucking liability.
50:44I'm not joking, babe.
50:45The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.
51:03What a show!
51:05Listen, I was wondering if you had representation.
51:09That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.
51:12Ah, the name's Shingles.
51:15Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
51:18I'd like to buy you a coffee, and have a chat about representing you.
51:22No way!
51:23Barry, come on.
51:24Get over with you, your meds.
51:26Bobby, he's got a business card and everything!
51:28It's a cheese slice, mate.
51:30Oh, the name's Shingles.
51:33Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
51:37Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.
51:39No, no.
51:39He's the next big thing, I tell you.
51:43Well done, Dickie.
51:45It was...
51:47Well, it was different.
51:50Cheers, babe.
51:53Hear what you're doing now.
51:55Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
51:59Suppose I could have half a sherry.
52:02What are you still doing in here?
52:03We finished ages ago.
52:05Howie?
52:07Actually, I'm going to get Dickie a quick drink at the pub.
52:10Er, no you're not.
52:13Er, yeah I am.
52:17Fuck this.
52:26Hey, congrats on your tap routine today, hun.
52:29They bloody loved it.
52:30You practically stole the show.
52:32Lucinda!
52:33What's that right here?
52:36What's that, ma'am?
52:38It's a photo of Ed.
52:39Who the fuck's Ed?
52:40It's my son.
52:42It's all grown up.
52:44It's given to me by Paula.
52:48What?
52:49Let us see, ma'am.
52:51Oh, ma'am.
52:54Aw.
52:55No.
52:59My God, I guess it's fucking like.
53:02Aw.
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