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00:01It was that time of year again, Mr Teesside Beauty Pageant, a competition based on beauty,
00:08talent and bulges.
00:11Every town in the Tees Valley was eligible, and every man and his dog wanted that cash
00:16prize.
00:1720,000 big ones, and the men at Teesside will do anything, and I mean anything, to
00:25win that title.
00:46You want to say me?
00:51You took your time?
00:54I couldn't remember where I put my favourite trail be.
00:56Take a seat.
01:07What's Mr Teesside?
01:08Only the biggest competition in the Teess Valley.
01:16Alright, and what's that got to do with me?
01:22This is my master plan, Bobby.
01:27I've been working on this for a number of years, and I've finally figured out the formula.
01:37formula for what?
01:40The formula to win...
01:43Mr Teesside!
01:50Right?
01:53Let me introduce you to one of the finalists of Mr Teesside, representing my beautiful
02:01hometown.
02:02I'll stop.
02:04It looks like he's not going to make it to the competition.
02:10So that's where you come in, Bobby.
02:12But why me?
02:13I'm not even from Teesside, I'm from South Shields.
02:15Not anymore!
02:20Listen very closely.
02:23Can I just stop you?
02:25I'm sorry to interrupt, but is this all true?
02:29What you're about?
02:31That just feels a bit far-fetched and overly stylised.
02:35I'm trying to create a bit of drama for you, babe.
02:38I know you tabloid people love a bit of sensationalism.
02:42Well, we're not really about that here at the North East Journal.
02:44Our readers appreciate the truth, so what I'm more interested in is what happened at the
02:48competition itself, and more importantly, the cheating scandal that occurred.
02:52Well, in that case, I'll start at the very beginning.
02:55It's a very good place to start, Jake.
02:58I remember it like it was yesterday.
03:07I still couldn't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat, had made
03:11it to the final of Mr Teesside.
03:13I still can't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat, has made it
03:16to the final of Mr Teesside.
03:18Oi!
03:18Stop being such a bitter old queen, just because you didn't get chosen.
03:21Ma'am?
03:22Do you think we'll make it on time?
03:24I've got an email saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
03:26I've got as fast as I can, chick.
03:28Stay still, Stuart.
03:29This stubble's going everywhere.
03:31I can't help it.
03:32Why do I need stubble?
03:33Listen, hon.
03:34I've been to Mr Teesside every year for a decade, so I know what makes a winner.
03:38And as lovely as your smooth baby-faced skin is, I know for a fact that those horny judges
03:42love a bit of rough.
03:43I've got all your outfits in that suitcase, so I'll come backstage and help you change.
03:46Aw, thanks Lucinda.
03:48You really don't need to do all this for me.
03:50I'm not going to lie, when I'm actually doing it for all of us, if you were Mr Teesside,
03:54you'd be able to get us into every VIP area in the Teess Valley.
03:58Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
03:59It's a matter.
04:00That friggin' speed commas just blasted at me.
04:02I think it's the wrong one!
04:04Oh!
04:05It's okay now.
04:06Shit myself.
04:07You okay, Sal?
04:09I'm sorry lads.
04:10I must have been dreaming.
04:13Here.
04:13How are we getting on, ma'am?
04:14I told Mel I'd meet her half an hour ago.
04:16We're supposed to be on stage now.
04:18We're just round the corner, chick.
04:19Oh, my God.
04:21I'm proper shitting myself.
04:22You'd be amazing, hon.
04:26I was profoundly grateful when we arrived at the venue, as the stench of Stuart's desperation had contaminated the air
04:31inside the ice cream van.
04:33Come on, you lot. In you go.
04:42Isn't that Nan?
04:44What's that haggard old wench doing here?
04:46I don't know, but she's looking proper shifty.
04:49I think she's with the Mr Stockton finalist.
04:51He looks familiar.
04:55Why was Nan acting so suspicious?
04:58Who was that bald, muscly twink?
05:00I had to investigate.
05:02And I instantly knew who to call.
05:04This was the job.
05:07For Detective Sexy.
05:11I mean, you definitely weren't that quick getting into that costume.
05:14Did I interrupt you?
05:15Haven't let anyone else talk?
05:18I'm blind!
05:19Sorry about this.
05:29The smell of beer-saturated carpets and excited menopausal women could mean only one thing.
05:35Mr Teesside.
05:45There was something really slippery about Mr Stockton.
05:49And I just had to find out who he was.
06:00That's the only thing with calling on Detective Sexy.
06:03No matter how hard she tries to stay undercover.
06:07The straight lads can't get enough.
06:13Erm, I don't remember that happening actually Dicky.
06:16Yeah well I don't remember you happening Stuart.
06:18What?
06:18What?
06:19Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
06:22Maybe I could just get a brief summary from someone else.
06:25How about you?
06:27I'll start at the very beginning.
06:28It's a pretty good place to start Chick.
06:31We were on the way to the Mr Teesside beauty pageant.
06:35I could not believe I'd been picked to represent Borough.
06:37It seemed like a lifetime ago that I'd submitted my audition video
06:40where I tap danced to Meghan Trainers all about that bass for Middlesbrough Council.
06:45And now here we were on the way to the final.
06:49Ma'am, do you think we're going to make it on time?
06:51I've got an email saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
06:54I'm going as fast as I can Chick.
06:56Stay still Stuart, this stubble's going everywhere.
06:59Oh you're joking aren't you?
07:01I think it's the wrong one.
07:04Come on you lot, in you go.
07:08It was magical inside.
07:10People had gathered from all over the Tees Valley.
07:13Some had even come all the way from Hartlepool.
07:16You're late, Mr Middlesbrough.
07:18He'll be appointed deducted for that.
07:20Come with me.
07:23This is the station.
07:25We're starting soon to get ready to go on.
07:27The six contestants from the Tees Valley that had made it to the final were getting ready backstage.
07:34Just as I thought.
07:36What?
07:36It's Nadia on the judging panel again.
07:39She never misses a year.
07:40She's the one you've got to impress Stuart.
07:42She has the most influence.
07:43And she's the one who likes them rough and ready.
07:46And hairy.
07:48Well I've got my stubble on.
07:50We're going to need more than stubble.
07:53More?
07:56I know for a fact she loves a hairy chest.
08:00Get this on.
08:02Yes.
08:04Go on.
08:06Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
08:09Not this touching tit.
08:10Oh, hi guys.
08:13Didn't realise you were in the final, Stuart.
08:15Congrats.
08:16You too, Neil.
08:22Okay, well I'd better go to my station.
08:25Get ready for the first round.
08:48For fuck's sake.
08:49I'm starting to find it a bit weird you bring this costume everywhere you go, hon.
08:53Listen, there's something unsavory going on.
08:55I'm not talking about Stuart's aftershave.
08:57What are you on about?
08:58That bald lad over there, Mr Stockton, he arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
09:04If he does anything out of the ordinary, let me know.
09:07Hmm?
09:08Okie dokie, hon.
09:09Hmm?
09:10Okay.
09:16You alright, chick?
09:17What happened, Sal?
09:18Fell back off me chest, you.
09:20You okay, hon?
09:22Oh, aye.
09:25Why don't you tell us what you remember about the competition?
09:28Alright, babe.
09:29I suppose it's best that I start at the very beginning.
09:32It's not such a bad place to start, chick.
09:33That will kick you.
09:38Okay.
09:39What's happening?
09:40Yeah.
09:41Yeah.
09:45I'll be right back.
09:46Yeah.
09:46So which colour wire do I cut like?
09:48Try the green one, babe.
09:51There isn't a green one.
09:52Mm.
09:53I'll go yellow.
09:53What would you do, Stuart?
09:54Oh, that's me.
09:55I'm colour blind.
09:56Ten seconds left, Lucinda. Help me out.
09:59I've got a red horn.
10:00Are you sure?
10:01I've never been more sure of anything.
10:09I think it's the wrong one!
10:12I'm okay now.
10:14You okay, Sal?
10:15Listen then, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't need to know what sudden dreams you've had.
10:20Not even the sex dream involving Hillary Clinton and Kaya Starmer.
10:23Why don't I take over on? I have the memory of an elephant.
10:25Go ahead.
10:26I'll start at the very beginning.
10:29It's a bountiful place to start, Jake.
10:31I think I've got a good idea of what-
10:32I was buzzing when Stuart told me he made it through to the final of Mr Teesside.
10:36I felt like we had a real advantage because I have been to every single Mr Teesside that has ever
10:42been.
10:43So I knew how to win.
10:44Stay still, Stuart. This double's going everywhere!
10:47Sorry to interrupt, but I've already heard this detail and I don't have a lot of time, so if you
10:50don't-
10:50Sorry, hun. I'll speed up.
10:52So, I was replying to Stuart's a bull in the van, then we arrived at Mr Teesside, then we got
10:55shown backstage, then I gave Stuart a hairy chest, then Neil came over, then Dicky showed
10:57up and held up to keep an eye on Mrs Docton because he was being suspicious.
11:01Oh, fairy cakes are ready!
11:03Ooh!
11:05Ooh!
11:06Anyone fancy a fairy cake?
11:08Ooh!
11:08Yes, please!
11:09I love cake!
11:10Oh, for fuck's sake!
11:12We're just about to finally get to the next part of the fucking story!
11:16I'm sorry, Jake.
11:18Listen, why don't I take over from here?
11:21Fine.
11:22But please, just get to the point.
11:27Oh, right.
11:28I'll start at the very beginning.
11:30No!
11:30Stop starting at the fucking beginning, you morons!
11:33Ooh!
11:34Someone doesn't want a fairy cake.
11:36Please.
11:37Please.
11:38If you wouldn't mind, just go on from the point with the competition starting.
11:41Well, you see, I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
11:58Mom, are you wearing?
12:00Hell, I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
12:03Hey, we can be a sexy detective duo like Cagney and Lacey or Shakespeare and Hathaway.
12:12Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to Mr. Teesside.
12:22Brought to you by Rock Art Energy Products.
12:24It's just glorious.
12:26We can all gather here annually to celebrate the talent, brains, and anatomies of our wonderful men from all across
12:34the Tees Valley.
12:35So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage, your Mr. Teesside finalists!
12:47Mr. Teesside, you're the future, you're the pride.
12:54Mr. Teesside, now you stand here side by side.
13:00And the gift you leave behind is the promise of tomorrow for our children.
13:15For our children.
13:19Let's get fucking wild, Lenny!
13:28Please make some noise for Mr. Harley Poole!
13:37Mr. Darlington!
13:43Mr. Stockton!
13:52Mr. Middlesbrough!
13:55Mr. Stockton!
13:55Mr. Middlesbrough!
13:57Come on ladies!
14:01Meanwhile, backstage, I was lint-rolling Stuart's shorts ready for the short shorts round which was coming up shortly, when
14:06I suddenly remembered what Dickie said.
14:09That bald lad over there, Mr. Stockton, he arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
14:14If he does anything out of the ordinary, let me know.
14:17Sorry bitch, I'm a bit confused.
14:20Is this a flashback within a flashback?
14:22Yes hun, keep up.
14:24Anyway, I decided this was the perfect snooping opportunity to rummage through the bald muscly twink's bag.
14:31Who wants some bald lassies?
14:34The first off, is the Harley Poole.
14:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
14:57Mr. Middlesbrough!
15:05I don't know what's happened to him.
15:08Look what I found!
15:09It's the bee!
15:11I knew I recognised him!
15:13He's not from Stockton is he?
15:15He's not even from Teastide, he's from South fucking Shields!
15:17Stuart!
15:19Practice this, get your legs above your head!
15:25That poison thing has, because pointless is stiff as a bloody bard!
15:29Who's ready for some short shorts?
15:34I've got to go and let Stuart into a short shorts.
15:37There was something massively afoot.
15:40It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to investigate.
15:44So ridiculous.
15:46You what?
15:47I just don't know why you chose that name.
15:49What's wrong with it?
15:50I don't know, it's just a bit...
15:51It's a bit of a mouthful isn't it?
15:53Oh yeah, because Detective Sexy rolls right off that frigging tongue.
15:57Anyway, I just about managed to squeeze Stuart's combecious Kardashian ass cheeks
16:01into the smallest shorts I could find.
16:03And even though the shorts were short, the points were massive.
16:14There is a clear winner in the short shorts round, ladies.
16:22Mr. Stockton!
16:33And as it's tradition, I will also announce the longest shorts.
16:38And therefore the pathetic shithead loser of this round.
16:41And that person is...
16:42Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:44Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:45Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:48Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:48Long shorts, wanker!
16:50Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:53Will you have this for dinner tonight?
16:55Oh yeah.
16:56Hey, will we have beans with it as well?
16:58Oh yeah.
16:59Mr. Hartley Poole.
16:59So, it was the talent round next.
17:01And I think this was the moment Nan was hoping to clinch a win for Mr. Stockton.
17:05Because Bobby has one of the most beautiful voices.
17:08What the hell's Stuart?
17:09Why don't you just marry him?
17:17All right, ladies.
17:42And I am still in wait here in the silence
17:50Until you come and stay a while with me
17:57You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:07You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:18Bobby had blown it
18:23But Nan had other evil tricks up her sleeve
18:29She told Nadia that Shirley Ballas was on the phone to compliment her judging skills
18:37And apparently that Nadia is a total slut for compliments
18:53Oh, I'm going for a piss
19:05Hey, hang on
19:06Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
19:09I am, babe
19:10I've tried telling him before his dog's shite at tap dancing
19:12But for some reason he keeps doing it
19:14No, look
19:16It's Nan disguised as one of the judges
19:18Oh, shit
19:19Be right back
19:23Hiya, chick
19:23Lads, Nan somehow managed to get onto the judging panel
19:27You're kidding me
19:28So that was her plan all along
19:31She's trying to fix Mr Teesside so that Bobby wins
19:34And she can get all the prize money
19:40Oh, that's lovely, that
19:42We had all the evidence we needed
19:44It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to blow Mr Teesside wide open
19:50The talent round was over
19:52It was now or never
19:57Ladies, the judges have deliberated and we have a unanimous decision
20:06The winner
20:09Of Mr Teesside is
20:18Stop
20:20Stop the competition
20:23I hope you'll all
20:27Excuse my intrusion
20:29But my name is Detective Sexy
20:32And whilst you've all been enjoying the show
20:35I hope I've been carrying out a very extensive investigation into a crime
20:40And the results may come as a shock to some of you
20:46You see
20:48Not everything is as it seems
20:51Somebody on this stage is a fraud
21:05In my brassiere
21:07I have the driving licence
21:09Of Mr Stockton
21:11Or should I say
21:13Mr South Shields
21:16That's right
21:17Mr Stockton isn't even from Stockton
21:20He isn't even from the Tees Valley
21:21He isn't even from the Tees Valley
21:22He isn't even from the Tees Valley
21:23South Shields, Wagner
21:24Let me call you by your real name
21:27Bobby
21:29How did you know?
21:31I'm wearing a bowl cap
21:33But let's not be too harsh on Bobby ladies
21:36Because Bobby was merely a puppet
21:39In somebody else's porn
21:41The real puppet master
21:44Is operating under our very noses
21:46In plain sight
21:48Yeah, it's Nan
21:49Yeah, she's right there
21:50Ma'am?
21:51I was about to do a whole dramatic thing
22:00You found me out
22:05Boo-hoo-hoo
22:07Clever little gay boys
22:10Well, let's see
22:13How clever you are
22:15Now
22:16She's not a good one
22:26Give me the twenty grand cash
22:31Or I'll lure your bastard balls off
22:37We haven't got the cash here
22:38You are
22:39Yeah, I mean, it's in the bank
22:41In the bank
22:44In the bank
22:44In the bank
22:49What's it doing in the bank?
22:55What's the matter with yous?
22:57You never seen a gun go off before?
22:59You put your wolf lip tarts
23:03That didn't happen, did it?
23:04Actually, it did
23:06Yeah, she got arrested and everything
23:10I would've gotten away with it
23:11If it wasn't for those pesky days
23:13You'll regret this
23:15You'll all regret this
23:18What's your head, sir?
23:20Oh, excuse me, thanks very much
23:21Really appreciate it
23:28Dickie?
23:29Is that?
23:32I think it is
23:41Your gig phone
23:42Gig phone?
23:44It's a gig phone
23:45It's a burner phone
23:46Whenever Dickie gets booked for a drag show
23:48It comes straight through to that line
23:50I forgot you had it, to be honest, chick
23:53Well, answer it
23:57Hello?
24:00Yeah
24:02Okay
24:03No, that's
24:06Yeah
24:07Thanks
24:08Thanks for letting me know
24:10Okay
24:11Bye
24:12What was that like?
24:14Guys
24:14I got a drag gig!
24:17Yay!
24:23Oh, Dickie!
24:24Oh, Dickie!
24:24Stop it!
24:25What a fucking stop it!
24:26Oh, yes!
24:30What a fucking stop it!
24:36So, when will it be published?
24:39I just need to process it
24:43So, how did you leave it then?
24:45With this Neil?
24:46Well, I haven't actually told these guys yet
24:49But
24:59Life's too short
25:01You what, Neil?
25:02That's what I was thinking
25:03When we were about to be shot
25:06Life's too short
25:08Okay, hon
25:09You've got to follow your dreams now
25:11Or
25:12It might be too late
25:15So
25:16With that in mind
25:22What are you doing?
25:24Lucinda
25:32Would you do me the greatest honor?
25:36I've been with my wife
25:49Well, what did you say?
26:01Lucinda
26:02Life's too short
26:03You've got to follow your dreams now
26:04Or
26:05It might be too late
26:10What are you doing?
26:13Lucinda
26:13Would you do me the greatest honor
26:17Of being my wife?
26:18Lucinda
26:19I don't know
26:26I don't know
26:26What did you say?
26:27I was like
26:28No fucking way, Neil
26:29I've known you for less than a year
26:30You freak
26:31Can you be quite pleased with Cindy?
26:33I need you to focus
26:35My drag show is in four hours
26:36And you're not going to know
26:37What to do in the show
26:38If you keep chatting
26:40Mum
26:40Are you all good with the sound cues?
26:41About that
26:43I'm not going to be able
26:43To make the show, Dickie
26:44What could you possibly be doing
26:45That's more important than my show?
26:47It's that flipping speed camera
26:49They're making me do a speed awareness course
26:50And it clashes
26:51What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
26:52Here, let me text Mel
26:54She's good with lesbian stuff like that
26:57And what about the end of the show?
26:58You're meant to be lifting me up
26:59From a big show stopping finale number
27:01Why don't
27:02Sal, Lucinda and me
27:03Lift you up together?
27:04I went to the gym last Tuesday
27:06Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart
27:07Your pathetic withery arms
27:08Will never be able to lift me up with your head
27:10You need to calm down, hon
27:11You're not performing at the Palladium
27:13For God's sake
27:13Well, I never will
27:14If I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda
27:15Fear not, Dickie Chicky
27:17The course only lasts an hour
27:18So I shall be able to shoot back
27:20And make the end of the show
27:21Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dixter?
27:24It's just a show
27:25It's not just a show, sir, you silly knobhead
27:28Besides
27:29I've emailed a few talent agents
27:31And invited them along
27:31So it needs to go well
27:33Ooh, that's exciting
27:35Have any replied?
27:37Well, you could say that
27:39What does that mean?
27:40I'll, er, add a few
27:42Out-of-office supplies
27:45Right, let's go again from the top, please
27:47Come on
27:48First positions, everyone
28:04What's it looking like out there, Sal?
28:06It's filling up, babe
28:07Think you'll have a good crowd
28:08Hey, can you see any agents?
28:10It's hard to tell
28:11Is Mel here yet?
28:13Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front
28:14She better not fuck this up for me, Sal
28:16I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time
28:19Oh, by the way, Lucinda
28:20I've asked Neil to come and help out today
28:22Hope you don't mind
28:23You could have told me first, Dickie
28:24I'm still not talking to him
28:25I'm sure you'll cope, babe
28:27Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre
28:29I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am
28:31Yes, Chick, Chekhov, Pinter, Zoopla
28:35I've done a lot
28:35Monologues coming out my arse
28:37I'd love to hear one of your monologues
28:39Can you remember any?
28:40Oh, it's been such a long time
28:42Oh, no worries
28:43That makes sense
28:44June 15, 1856
28:50Wilbur went together
28:51Eggs in the barn
28:53And when he walked back in
28:56He was crying
28:58I said
28:59What on God's green earth
29:01Is this a matter, Wilbur?
29:04He pointed at the window
29:06I looked out
29:10It was raining
29:12Reigning for the first time
29:14In 15 years
29:17Wilbur was crying with joy
29:19At the fact that Krups
29:21Could finally have
29:22A chance for life
29:27Wow, man
29:28Amazing
29:30Oh, friggin' hell
29:31Better get going
29:32About this friggin'
29:33Speed awareness course
29:34Oh, promise me
29:35You'll be back in time for the finale
29:36Don't lift me up, remember
29:37Course, Chick
29:38Ta-ra
29:38Bye, man
29:39See you later, sir
29:41Hey, Dickie
29:42Listen, thanks so much
29:43For stepping in last minute
29:45Absolutely no problems
29:46Burbs
29:46Luckily I had a
29:48A small window
29:49In my schedule
29:49Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard
29:51Impersonator
29:52Cancel on us
29:52Anyway
29:53I think they're all in now
29:54So, whenever you're ready
29:56I'm ready
29:57Hey
29:58You said that was some determination
30:02I'm ready
30:04Ladies and gentlemen
30:05And all those in between
30:07Please put your hands together
30:09For
30:12Dickie
30:22Yes
30:23It's me
30:24Dickie
30:27And I'm finally getting married
30:29And not just to anyone
30:30I'm getting married
30:31I'm getting married
30:32To a duke
30:34I'm getting married
30:36I'm getting married
30:39To a duke
30:41To a who?
30:42To a duke
30:43Oh
30:45Oh, and look
30:46My bridesmaids are here
30:47And they're telling me
30:49How beautiful I look
30:50You look beautiful
30:51Very nice, yeah
30:52They won't upstage me, though
30:53Because they're disgusting
30:55I'm getting married
30:58I'm getting married
31:00To a duke
31:02To who?
31:03To a duke
31:05Oh
31:06He'll bring me flowers in the morning
31:09He'll kiss my cheek without pre-warning
31:14And then we'll fuck
31:15We will dance in the rain
31:20He'll make me feel
31:23Insane
31:29I'm getting married
31:31I'm getting married
31:33To a duke
31:43Sorry, chick
31:44Am I in the right place
31:45For the speed awareness course?
31:47Yeah, all right
31:47Take a seat
31:49Hey, what are you doing here?
31:50Well
31:50Don't give a shit
31:54Right
31:54Away then
31:55Settle down
31:58Welcome to the speed awareness course
31:59My name's Vanessa Yarris
32:00And over the next couple of hours
32:02I will be attempting to help you all pass the course
32:05Fairly to pass means
32:06You'll have your driving licence taken off you
32:08And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today
32:10I will be clamping the fucking thing
32:12So
32:13You better pass
32:15Sorry, chick
32:16Did you just say the next couple of hours
32:18I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes
32:21Well it would be 60 minutes
32:22If you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour
32:25But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch
32:29Right, first things first
32:31Do any of you zone a Toyota Yarris?
32:36I used to have one
32:37But I sold it last year
32:38Why on earth would you do that?
32:43I'm sorry I'm late
32:44I was so scared to get caught speeding again
32:45That I ended up driving 10 mile an hour the whole way here
32:48Whoa, whoa, whoa
32:49Where do you think you're off to?
32:51Er
32:53Something's come up
32:54Well, FYI
32:55It's an automatic fail if you leave
32:57And that means
32:58No more driving for you for the next year
33:09Let me take you back to chapter one
33:11My childhood
33:22When I was young
33:24I was a skinny porpa boy
33:27Living on the streets of Middlesbrough
33:28And my best friend was a small weird rat
33:39Oh Ratty
33:40I love hanging around with you
33:42Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am
33:45I know that I could never be as repulsive as you
33:49You're right Dickie
33:50I'm a grotesque ugly rat
33:52Who shits himself on an hourly basis
33:54Hey, I've got an idea
33:57Let's be blood brothers
34:01Ow, ah, ah
34:05And then we drank each other's blood
34:07And I got a horrendous rat disease
34:12Just don't get why
34:13It's always at least half an hour later
34:15Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
34:17Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him
34:21Plus he mentioned he's got an actor playing me in the show
34:23And I want to see who he's got
34:26There it is, the truth comes out
34:27It's actually all about you
34:29Oh come on, let's just go in
34:30I couldn't think of anything worse than watching that absolute loser show
34:34No, no folks won't be
34:35Yeah, go on
34:36I'll wait in the car
34:37Well, suit yourself
34:42Oh my god, I'm absolutely buzzing
34:44They can't get enough of me out there
34:46Did you see that guy in the front row?
34:47He was proper dancing along
34:48He was actually having a seizure Dickie
34:50You had to wheel him out
34:52Did anyone see any agents?
34:54I was trying to have a look but
34:55It's hard when you're in the zone
34:56Do you know what I mean?
34:57You may be
34:58I was also in the zone so I didn't really notice
35:00I suppose there was people there that could have been agents when they were younger
35:03Yeah
35:04You know it's true what they say, isn't it?
35:06There really is no business like show business
35:09Oi!
35:11How long are you lot gonna be in here?
35:14I can't hear myself
35:15Think
35:17Hiya Dickie
35:17Oh thank Christ you're here Gary
35:19Did you get the script I sent you?
35:20I did, yeah
35:21I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together
35:23Possibly go through a few changes
35:25Afraid not babes
35:26I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway
35:28It's the story of my life
35:29It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with
35:32Oh, gotta hold yourself Gary, it's called acting
35:36Sorry Dickie, I was under the impression it was just gonna be like a 20 minute drag show
35:40Not an autobiographical musical
35:43The residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers
35:46So if you could just speed things up a bit kid I'd really appreciate that
35:49Oh
35:50Thank you
35:52Did you hear that?
35:53The gagging for me to get back on stage
35:55Right, come on then you lot
35:56The show must go on
35:59Wanna watch the show Beryl?
36:00No, not for me
36:03I can't stand drag queens
36:06Fruity twats
36:08Fair enough Barb
36:11Brum Brum
36:14This is the steering wheel of truth
36:16And when you're holding it
36:18I want the honest truth from all of his about why you chose to speed
36:27Okay, erm, well my name is Paula
36:31I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone
36:34Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
36:36No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20
36:38You see I've just moved back to the area and when I lived here before it was 30
36:42I don't need your entire life story Lewis Hamilton
36:45Pass the steering wheel of truth on please
36:50My name is Mum
36:51And what is your truth Mum?
36:55I don't think you can handle my truth
36:58Oh, I think I'll be okay
37:01Alright
37:02The truth is I have struggled every day for the past 15 years because the mother of my child decided
37:06to take my son away from me
37:09Right
37:11And what speed were you doing?
37:12Well my truth is that the husband I loved had been lying to me about who he was for our
37:17entire marriage
37:19May I remind the group how extremely difficult it was to come out back then?
37:23All I wanted was acceptance and all I got was rejection
37:27I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms
37:30And being suddenly told that your husband of 10 years has never actually found you sexually attractive can feel pretty
37:37damn rejecting
37:43Oh!
37:44Fucking hell!
37:45What the fuck was that?
37:46It's called hazard perception mate
37:48Today, it was just a ball
37:50Tomorrow, could be a child
37:57Chapter 5
37:59Coming out
38:00You know guys, not a lot of people know this about me because I'm such a confident horny guy
38:05But coming out to my family was hard
38:08There was one family member in particular who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality
38:13Uncle Gary
38:18I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays
38:21One day I thought, you know what, fuck it
38:24I'm gonna come out to him
38:28Hey Uncle Gary
38:30Hello Dicky
38:35I hate all homosexuals
38:39And on another note
38:40I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in and see if you fancy coming to watch the
38:44game at the pub this weekend
38:45What do you mean by game?
38:47Croquet?
38:48Nah mate, the footy
38:51Oh, that
38:53I guess I'll think about it
38:55Anyway, I gotta tell you something
38:57I'm gay
38:59Right
39:01Well in that case
39:02I don't want anything to do with you
39:04You
39:06Massive Willy Wolfman
39:12So there I was
39:13Cast out by my uncle
39:16Hoist by my own petard
39:19What was a young, virile homosexual to do?
39:22But then suddenly I had a brainwave
39:24I had to go straight
39:25God, if I was straight
39:28Maybe, maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me
39:40So, you been keeping well?
39:43I'd prefer it if we didn't talk
39:44Right, no problem
39:48I don't even know what you want from me
39:50I thought you didn't want to talk
39:51I don't
39:55Don't get why you're here
39:57I got caught doing a 30 in a 20 zone
40:01Not here, here
40:03Look
40:05I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry
40:08And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
40:11Forcing all my friends to disown me?
40:13Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
40:17Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved to bury St fucking Edmunds?
40:19I didn't know how to cope with it
40:22I mean, I'd never met a gay person before
40:24You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto
40:26It wasn't easy for me either
40:28I loved you and you'd been lying to me
40:30I wasn't as simple as that
40:31Really?
40:43It was a weird time
40:51I didn't know who I was
40:53I didn't even know what I was
40:56And so yes, I
40:58I lied about certain things and for that
41:02I'm sorry
41:05But one thing I didn't lie about
41:07was the love I had for you
41:11I freaking loved you, Paula
41:14And I loved
41:16I still love our son
41:18I never wanted Ed to be without his dad
41:21I was just trying to protect him
41:22Protect him from what?
41:24The scary big wig, the evil eyeliner, the terrifying tits
41:27The one from the bullies at his school
41:30who tormented him when they found out about you
41:34He was bullied?
41:35You didn't know that, did you?
41:39I thought I was doing the right thing at the time
41:42For Ed and for me
41:44But I wasn't
41:46It was wrong
41:47And I'm really, really sorry
41:54Ow!
41:55Hazard perception, mate!
41:58How do I do it, you guys?
42:00I can't be straight
42:02I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy
42:06I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy
42:10Mel!
42:11What's your cue?
42:16How do I become the man
42:18Uncle Gary wants me to be?
42:22How do I do it?
42:25What do I do to do it?
42:29Come on, Dicky
42:30You've been in the closet before
42:32It's time to climb back in
42:35If I want to become straight
42:37I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys
42:40But what sort of things do they wear?
42:44Wait!
42:45I got it!
42:47Boot cut jeans
42:50I remember boot cut jeans
42:55How you guys?
42:57Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right
43:00What sort of things do these straight guys say?
43:04What sort of things do these straight guys say?
43:04Come on, Dicky!
43:06Think!
43:08Wait!
43:09I've got it!
43:11She's fit!
43:13That lass over there is fit!
43:18I like her bum
43:19And her boobs
43:21And her mascara
43:25Guys!
43:26I don't want to jinx it, but
43:28I think I'm straight!
43:31Black up your daughters
43:33I'm coming for your daughters
43:38Give me your daughters
43:39Give me your daughters
43:49Give me your daughters
43:50Right, it's in till now, so
43:52Quick, get this jacket on me style
43:54I've had to get Stuart to do his shit-tap routine
43:57He's probably sucking the energy out of the room
43:58Come on, sir!
44:01Come on, Ratty!
44:03Come on, Ratty!
44:04Where the hell's Neil?
44:06Oh, thank Christ!
44:07What time did you call this, Neil?
44:08Sorry, Dicky
44:09Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here
44:12One of them took my shoe
44:15I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil
44:17Here, this is the script
44:19You're playing the role of Harrison
44:20I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand
44:22So familiarise yourself with it, please
44:24Sal, I need you to get hold of Mam and find out how long she's going to be
44:27Aye aye, Captain
44:30Remember, Neil
44:30Don't be shit
44:33Fuckin' Lord
44:35Right
44:35Do you want the good news or the bad news?
44:38Bad news is
44:39I've got to start this
44:41Again
44:42And the good news is
44:44It's the end of the course and you've all passed
44:45Fuckin' getting!
44:48Except for you
44:49What? By me?
44:51Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do
44:53Should be allowed to drive
44:54You've sold your Yaris
44:56Clearly you're not right in the fuckin' head
44:59Laters
45:03Hey you fuckin' moron
45:05Hey you fuckin' moron
45:06Hey you fuckin' moron
45:08Hey, you fuckin' moron
45:12Binas
45:16I heard you might be about.
45:18Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.
45:20I've got something to show you.
45:21What is it, Neil?
45:23Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
45:25Well.
45:25Are you kidding me?
45:26Oh, no, look.
45:30Coriander?
45:31No, it's meant to say Lucinda.
45:35I suppose I can sort of see that.
45:43Well, are you going to kiss or not?
45:47Chapter 17.
45:49Heartbreak.
45:50I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.
45:54Well, his name was Harrison.
46:06Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me,
46:10which I thought was cruel.
46:13Albeit true.
46:15Hello, Harrison, my love.
46:16Oh, hi.
46:17You fucking moron.
46:19I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen,
46:23but I'm dropping you like a sack of shit.
46:26No, no, don't do this.
46:28Think about the life we built together.
46:30Get to fuck.
46:34I'm sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.
46:37I can't help my beauty.
46:39Yeah, that's not how it happened.
46:45I've literally just come out, Salchick.
46:47I'm sprinting all the way now.
46:49Okay, see you in a bit.
46:50The absolute bellend!
46:53Need a lift?
46:57No, I'll manage, thanks.
47:02Hi, chick.
47:03Where the hell are you?
47:04We're nearly at the finale.
47:06I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time.
47:07We need your strong arms for the ending.
47:11Ma'am.
47:12Ma'am.
47:17I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my queues.
47:21I'm trying my hardest, mate, but your queue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.
47:25Excuse us, excuse us.
47:32I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years.
47:41Listen, before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.
47:53He's a proper adult now and everything.
47:58Thanks for the lift.
48:02I know those are my earrings, by the way.
48:05Find to keep them.
48:10Oh.
48:14My wedding to the duke is finally here.
48:17But who is the duke, I hear you all cry.
48:23Oh, here he is now.
48:26Who is the duke?
48:29The duke is me.
48:32Because the person I've grown to love is myself.
48:44That's right, boys.
48:47Dickie's back.
48:48Dickie never even left.
48:50Hey, you guys.
48:52You want to know a secret?
48:54Yeah.
48:55I had an epiphany today.
48:58What was your epiphany, Dickie?
49:00You really want to know my epiphany?
49:02Yeah.
49:03Cooey.
49:05Oh, it's you.
49:07All right, Arabella.
49:08What are you doing here?
49:09Oh, just picking up Mel.
49:11We've got a hot date tonight.
49:13Right.
49:19Probably going to be a real steamy sesh tonight if you catch my drift.
49:25That's great to hear, babe.
49:28Okay, I'll tell you.
49:30My epiphany was that I don't need no man.
49:34You want to know why?
49:35Because I'm in love with my deal.
49:43You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this, but Mel isn't into weird, moral creatures,
49:49so I'd give up now if I were you.
49:52Are you taking the piss?
49:53No, babe.
49:54I'm not taking the piss.
49:57Read my lips.
49:59She's not going to fuck you.
50:04How are you, Dickie?
50:05Let's go.
50:06Come here.
50:07Get your filthy hands off me.
50:09God, maiden Chelsea, cow.
50:12Lift me higher, boys.
50:15Higher for fuck's sake.
50:16We're trying.
50:18You're too heavy.
50:19Trust her, Lucinda.
50:21Let the whole world see that I don't need a man, because I got me.
50:27I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love.
50:31You stupid ladders.
50:32You stupid ladders.
50:33I'm in love with myself.
50:39Fuckin' hell.
50:42She is a fucking liability.
50:43I'm not joking, babe.
50:44The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.
51:03What a show!
51:05Listen, I was wondering if you had representation.
51:09That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.
51:12Ah, the name's Shingles.
51:15Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
51:18I'd like to buy you a coffee, and have a chat about representing you.
51:22No way!
51:23Barry, come on.
51:24Get over to you, your meds.
51:26Bobby, he's got a business card and everything.
51:28It's a cheese slice, mate.
51:31Look, the name's Shingles.
51:33Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
51:36Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.
51:38No, no, he's the next big thing, I tell you.
51:43Well done, Dickie.
51:45It was...
51:47Well, it was different.
51:49Cheers, babe.
51:53Ea, what are you doing now?
51:55Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
51:59I suppose I could have half a sherry.
52:01What are you still doing in here?
52:03We finished ages ago.
52:05Howie?
52:07Actually, I'm going to get Dickie a quick drink at the pub.
52:11No, you're not.
52:13Ea, yeah, I am.
52:17Fuck this.
52:26Ea, congrats on your tap routine today, hon.
52:29They bloody loved it.
52:30You practically stole the show.
52:32Who's in there?
52:33What's that right here?
52:36What's that, ma'am?
52:37Oh, it's a photo of Ed.
52:39Who the fuck's Ed?
52:40It's my son.
52:42It's all grown up.
52:44It's given to me by Paula.
52:48Let us see, ma'am.
52:51Oh, ma'am.
52:53Oh.
52:55Oh.
52:59I don't know what you're fit as fuck, him, like.