B.M. 23. Joan is Awful.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 15th June 2023.  An average woman is stunned to discover a global streaming platform has launched a prestige TV drama adaptation of her life.  Annie Murphy - Joan Tait Salma Hayek - TV Joan/Salma Hayek (as Salma Hayek Pinault) Michael Cera - Beppe Himesh Patel - TV Krish Avi Nash - Krish Wunmi Mosaku - TV Joan's Lawyer Lolly Adefope - Joan's Lawyer Rob Delaney - Mac Ben Barnes - TV Mac Jared Goldstein - Eric Jaboukie Young-White - TV Eric Ayo Edebiri - Sandy Camirin Farmer - TV Sandy Kayla Lorette - Source Joan Leila Farzad - Mona Javadi Rich Fulcher - Gainsborough Ellen Robertson - Sandy's Pal Luke Beattie - Brutus Paul Gorvin - TV Brutus Laurel Lefkow - Dr. Atkinson Éva Magyar - TV Dr Atkinson Bea Segura - Source Dr Atkinson Steen Raskopoulos - Mike the Jogger Max Harwood - Julian Brian Law - Guy in Skillane Legal Anthony Wise - Pastor Alex Magliaro - Male Cop Mujde Ipek - Female Cop Mark McKerracher - TV Pastor Tessa Wong - Streamberry Receptionist Danielle Vitalis - Fatima Klaas Mary Beth Barone - Lucy Eli Goldin - Policeman Leroy Kincaide - Security Guard Edward Terry - Wedding Guest

Transcript

00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —

01:11Oh, hi, John.

01:13Mike?

01:30I won't let him rip, but he can put it in his mouth.

01:32Low waist, fat, fat, baby, tap in.

01:35Tap, tap, tap in.

01:37Diamonds dancing on your neck, better tap in.

01:40Tap, tap, tap in.

01:42Getting money, get rich, baby, tap in.

01:46How's the coffee?

01:48If I'm honest?

01:51I'll tell him to look at the machine.

01:53Oh, and Sandy's outside waiting for that 10-15.

01:57Oh, God.

01:59I know.

02:01Okay, um, give me five.

02:04I need to, like, psych up.

02:15I'm so sorry.

02:17Sorry.

02:20Sorry.

02:35You're letting me go?

02:38Um, okay, but I'm still working on my audio compression algorithm.

02:43Unfortunately, the board feel your compression algo isn't a thing that they want to pursue.

02:49Uh, okay.

02:51Well, without it, we'll need more data servers.

02:55I know.

02:56Which means a bigger carbon footprint will breach all of our environmental pledges.

03:02It's, I'm sorry.

03:03It's how the board feel.

03:06I just put a deposit down on a new apartment.

03:11I'm sure this hasn't been an easy decision for them.

03:14Joan.

03:16Please don't do this.

03:19Please, not now.

03:22I can't, I, I thought we were friends.

03:25Okay.

03:26Um.

03:27Joan.

03:27I'm just gonna give you a minute to compose yourself.

03:31I feel pretty composed.

03:33I really, I am so sorry about this.

03:38I invited you to the housewarming.

03:40Joan.

03:41I've asked Brutus to escort her out.

03:43Oh, God.

03:46I'll, uh, help you with your thing, Sandy.

03:48I'll, uh, help you with your thing, Sandy.

03:54I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:01I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:02I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:03I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:04I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:05I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:06I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:08I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:10I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:12I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:14I'll, uh, help you with your thing.

04:24Joan, is that you?

04:26I know you're there.

04:27Coward.

04:28You're a coward, Joan!

04:31All right, Sandy, we gotta go.

04:35Fuck!

04:45Joan, come on in.

04:49So, where are we at?

04:53Not good?

04:54Oh, no.

04:57You know, it used to be my dream to run my own coffee shop.

05:01That would not have gone out with our name on it.

05:04Neither would the coffee at my job.

05:08How is your job?

05:12Um...

05:12I mean, on paper, it's...

05:14it's fancy, I guess.

05:16But I'm just kind of the middle man between the board up in the clouds and the staff below me.

05:25Um, so I just kind of feel like I'm going through the motions every day.

05:29How are things at home?

05:32Um, I mean, I'm engaged to Krish.

05:35Yes.

05:35Oh, good.

05:36Good.

05:36It's good.

05:38Like, Krish is a great guy, and he's smart, and he cares.

05:44But maybe he's just a little bit, like, vanilla, you know?

05:50Like, even the food he cooks is bland.

05:52And then I'm continuously, like, mmm.

05:59Sorry, I feel like such an asshole saying that.

06:02But...

06:04When I was with my ex...

06:06Mac.

06:07Mac, yeah.

06:08Um, I mean, it was just constant sex and craziness and...

06:13I mean, the fights were...

06:16But I never got over him.

06:20Mm-hmm.

06:22And then you met Krish.

06:23And then I met Krish, and he was sweet and safe,

06:28and so I just kind of went with the flow.

06:32But...

06:34I just feel like I never...

06:37like, actively chose this.

06:41Like, I feel like I'm just on autopilot.

06:43You know how you are always talking about, like,

06:45the life story?

06:46Mm-hmm.

06:47I was thinking about it, and I...

06:49I feel like I'm not the main character

06:52in my own life story.

06:56And would you like that to change?

07:01Hm.

07:38You, you...

07:40Hey.

07:41Hey.

07:47So good to see you.

07:49I love your hair like that, the streaks.

07:51Yowza.

07:53It's not too much.

07:54Phyllis at the salon kind of, like, talked me into it.

07:57Well, Phyllis at the salon deserves a raise,

08:00because you look hot as shit.

08:02Oh, okay. I mean it.

08:03Okay.

08:08Okay.

08:10Um, I mean, you came to see me.

08:13To talk, because you asked me to.

08:16Oh, yeah.

08:18Hey, how is...

08:23Krish.

08:24Yeah, Krish is good.

08:26Wow. You sound like you're really crazy about him.

08:30Okay.

08:33We tried us for two years.

08:36Remember how that? Remember how that ended?

08:38Yep.

08:38So, yeah. I am Mary and Krish.

08:43Oh, God, you dr...

08:46You broke us up.

08:47You broke my fucking heart.

08:49And just when I'm picking up all of the pieces of my life,

08:51you pop back up like a fucking...

08:53Like an unflushed turd.

08:56Well, yeah.

08:58It's not what I was getting at, but yeah.

09:00So...

09:01How can I trust you?

09:03You're right. I get it.

09:06But...

09:07What you and I had was real.

09:10You know it.

09:13I wanna be with you.

09:17I'm here for three days and then I go back to San Jose.

09:20Come with me.

09:21I'm serious.

09:23I can't. I can't.

09:26Hey.

09:27I have a great apartment.

09:29And your work has an office there.

09:30I mean, you could get a transfer.

09:32And there's an incredible sushi place around the corner.

09:35And they have an unbelievable green dragon roll.

09:40I can't leave Krish.

09:42No, you can't leave Krish.

09:43I can't.

09:44Yeah, I know.

09:45I can't leave Krish.

09:54No. No, no, no, no.

09:56Oh, no.

09:57Hey.

09:58I should not have come here.

10:00Joan.

10:02I'm in my usual suite.

10:03And I'll be here for three days.

10:11Mmm.

10:20That you, baby?

10:22Yep.

10:30Hi.

10:31Mmm.

10:32Mmm.

10:34Oh.

10:34Froggy's been a-drinkin'.

10:37It was a goodbye party.

10:40Oh.

10:40Well, I hope you're hungry.

10:46Mmm.

10:49Amazing.

10:51Is that salt?

10:54All right.

10:56All right.

10:58What do you want to watch?

11:00Oh.

11:00Amazing.

11:02It's on streamberry.

11:03All right.

11:09Mmm.

11:12Mmm.

11:13Oh.

11:13How about Sea of Tranquility?

11:15Eric said it blows.

11:17Oh.

11:17Well, if Eric said it blows.

11:19Oh.

11:20Okay.

11:21Okay.

11:21Lock Henry?

11:22The Scottish murder thing?

11:24I can't really do another true crime.

11:26I'm sorry.

11:27Just after Gacy.

11:28Okay.

11:33About...

11:34Uh...

11:35Uh...

11:36Uh...

11:38Oh, my God.

11:39Uh...

11:40What?

11:41New drama.

11:42Joan is awful.

11:44Is that Selma Hayek?

11:45Uh...

11:46She even has your hair.

11:48That's not my hair.

11:49Well, it's a lot like your hair.

11:52And she's even called Joan.

11:54Okay.

11:54What even is this show?

11:56No clue, but, uh...

11:57Well, we're watching it.

11:58No, we're not watching Joan is awful.

12:00Whatever the hell it is.

12:02Just hit play.

12:04C-C-Come on.

12:05Hit play.

12:35It's a lot like our bedroom.

12:38That's not my hair.

12:41Well, she uses the same toothpaste.

12:43Okay, just...

12:44It's just weird.

12:47Oh, it's a little spooky.

13:03This Joan is shading.

13:11Mmm...

13:14Babe?

13:15You should see this.

13:17See what?

13:18What is this?

13:20It's called Joan is awful.

13:22It's got Selma Hayek in it.

13:25She looks like Joan.

13:27That job sucked, anyway.

13:31Yeah, I guess.

13:36Joan is awful.

13:37What the fuck?

13:42Oh.

13:44Oh, my God.

13:46We're gonna watch a TV show at a bar?

13:49Yeah.

13:50We're absolutely gonna watch a TV show at a bar.

13:56Hmm.

14:01Hmm.

14:06What the hell?

14:08What the hell?

14:32I...

14:32I didn't do anything.

14:35How's the coffee?

14:37Duck shit.

14:38I'll get the machine replaced.

14:41Please do that.

14:43Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10-15.

14:48Oh, God.

14:50Oh, God.

14:52Joan?

14:53Joan?

14:56Joan?

14:58Oh, God.

15:00I've got a panic attack.

15:01Uh...

15:02All right, um...

15:03I've got a panic attack.

15:04Okay.

15:05Okay.

15:05Oh, okay.

15:06All right.

15:07Hey, whoa.

15:07Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10-15.

15:11Is he still there?

15:12He's still there.

15:12Right.

15:13Let's get it over with.

15:14They made me the gayest man on Earth.

15:17Oh, I like what he's wearing.

15:19What the fuck is this?

15:21How the fuck is this?

15:24Um...

15:24Give me five.

15:25Oh.

15:25Yeah.

15:27Sure.

15:28Thanks.

15:29Oh, my God.

15:30Is that really what I sound like?

15:31Should we be quiet, please?

15:34Do you think he's better looking than me?

15:36Okay.

15:36All right.

15:37All right.

15:37Hey, let's slow our breathing down, right?

15:39And, uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet.

15:42I don't want to feel the carpet!

15:42All right.

15:43Hey, whoa.

15:44Well, just feel the floor.

15:46Feel the floor!

15:47You're firing me?

15:49Correct.

15:50Your audio algorithms?

15:52Not happening.

15:53The boy thinks he's vaporware.

15:56But, um...

15:57Our carbon footprint...

16:00Not their concern.

16:01Well, I just put a deposit down on an apartment.

16:06Also not their concern.

16:07I mean, you see what she's like.

16:09Oh, my God.

16:09She is cold.

16:11Please.

16:12Not...not now.

16:14If not now, when?

16:16Wait.

16:17Oh, my God.

16:17She did not say that.

16:18Oh, my God.

16:19I did not say that like that.

16:20That is not what happened.

16:21I believe you.

16:24Jesus Christ!

16:26Oh, my God.

16:28What am I gonna do with my dog?

16:30Oh, my God.

16:31Oh, my God.

16:31She's making me so uncomfortable.

16:33I'm so sorry.

16:35Get there.

16:35Why are you consoling Joan?

16:37Why am I consoling Joan?

16:40She was upset.

16:42She's being a bitch.

16:44Oh, my God.

16:45They're making me look like a monster.

16:47No.

16:48Hey, no.

16:49Look.

16:49Look, it's...

16:50Maybe it's Salma Hayek.

16:52Look, people love Salma Hayek.

16:54All right?

16:54So maybe it's not so, like...

16:56So maybe it's not so fucking bad?

16:58So fucking insane?

17:00This is bad.

17:01This is...

17:01Okay, all right.

17:02Fucking insane.

17:03All right. Okay.

17:03Hey, look.

17:04I was just trying to make you feel...

17:05Oh, God.

17:06Hey, okay.

17:07All right.

17:07Hey, you're right.

17:09Okay.

17:09Yeah?

17:10Oh.

17:12What?

17:15Oh, my God.

17:16My mom's seen it.

17:17What?

17:18Everybody can see this?

17:19Can everybody that has Streamberry watch this?

17:23My dad's seen it.

17:26Mary Ann's seen it.

17:27Jesus Christ.

17:28Oh, fuck.

17:29Oh, God.

17:30Oh, God.

17:32Oh, God.

17:32Oh, my God.

17:33Oh, God.

17:35Honey.

17:35What?

17:37Has Mac been texting you?

17:39What?

17:41No.

17:42No.

17:42Right.

17:43You can come in now.

17:48Oh, hey.

17:50Hey.

17:50I think we should turn this off.

17:51Well, actually, I want to keep watching.

17:53No, no.

17:54Hey, whoa.

17:54Krish, Krish, I want it off.

17:55No.

17:56How's life at home?

17:57Joan.

17:58With Krish?

18:00He's kind.

18:01And smart.

18:02And smart.

18:03And caring.

18:04A stupid fucking button.

18:07Very vanilla.

18:09Even his cooking is bland.

18:11Hmm.

18:12Okay.

18:12I didn't say that.

18:13Krish, turn it off.

18:14With my ex-boyfriend, Mark, there was so much crazy, wild, imaginative, constant sex.

18:28Hey, hey, hey, hey.

18:30This isn't real.

18:31Babe, this is the TV.

18:33I didn't say this.

18:35Fuck.

18:36Krish?

18:37I haven't gotten over, Mac.

18:39Krish!

18:40I think maybe...

18:42I don't want to.

18:52Oh, Christ.

18:53Hey.

18:54Hey.

18:55What'd she say on the show?

18:56That's not what I think.

18:57Okay?

18:58No.

18:58Some of the details...

19:00The whole thing.

19:01It's just...

19:01It's blown out of proportion.

19:02Okay?

19:02I didn't say that to my therapist.

19:06So what did you say?

19:10Uh...

19:14Krish.

19:17Krish!

19:17Where are you going?

19:18I don't know.

19:21I don't know.

19:22Krish, come on.

19:22Please, please.

19:23Hey.

19:26I said...

19:29I can't leave, Krish.

19:32Okay.

19:47Oh!

19:55So what are you going to watch?

19:57Sea of Tranquility.

19:58Oh.

20:00Eric says you're close.

20:01Well, if Eric said...

20:03I never liked Krish.

20:06Babe, wait.

20:07Come on.

20:07Sit down.

20:08Babe.

20:13Joan is awful.

20:17He's terrible.

20:17Is that Cate Blanchett?

20:19That's Cate Blanchett?

20:20Oh, no.

20:21That's Cate Blanchett.

20:22That's good.

20:23That's not my hair.

20:24She looks good.

20:25Krish!

20:26It's a TV show.

20:27It's not real.

20:28I don't know what's going on,

20:29but none of that happened.

20:32Krish!

20:32Hey!

20:33I haven't even seen Mac in so long.

20:38Then sh...

20:39Show me your phone.

20:41What?

20:42In the TV show, Mac texted you

20:45and you texted him back, so...

20:48Show me your phone.

20:50It's...

20:52It's in the house.

20:56It's convenient, Joan.

21:00Goodbye.

21:00Krish.

21:01Krish, please don't go.

21:04Don't go.

21:05Please don't leave me by myself.

21:06This is fucking insane.

21:07Please don't.

21:09Krish!

21:11Please!

21:12Krish!

21:17Krish!

21:18You, you child,

21:20it's terrible.

21:21You're very dramatic.

21:23It's so comfortable.

21:24Oh, my God!

21:26It's TV!

21:27It's not real!

21:30My fidelity for you!

21:32My fidelity for you!

21:33That's real!

21:33That's television!

21:34Fake!

21:35Not real!

21:36If you weren't texting Mac,

21:38show me your phone.

21:42They're right about you, Joan.

21:45You're awful.

21:49Oh, my God!

21:52I'm sick!

21:54Please!

21:55Don't leave me!

21:56You know what?

21:57Get me on my own!

21:58You can't leave me!

21:59Oh, my God!

22:01Oh, my God!

22:06I'm sick!

22:08Please!

22:08Don't leave me!

22:11Bye!

22:49Shame on you.

23:15Sorry I'm late.

23:20Did you see it?

23:22Everybody saw it.

23:23It's all anyone can talk about.

23:26How did it come across?

23:29Fair.

23:30Yeah.

23:31I just don't know what this is.

23:32My lawyer's looking into it.

23:34Chris is so mad at me.

23:35He walked out last night.

23:37Hey, Joan.

23:37Everyone's looking at me like I'm an actual monster.

23:40Joan, just try and keep it together for like the next few minutes.

23:44Why is Brutus here?

23:46You let slip about the whole algorithm, data server, carbon footprint thing in the scene

23:52where you fired Sandy.

23:54Technically, you broke your NDA.

23:56What?

23:57That's not fair.

23:58That was...

23:59That was Salma Hayek.

24:02The board wants you out.

24:05Now.

24:05I know.

24:08I'm here to help you back.

24:17I know.

24:22I know.

24:24Give it to your help.

24:26I know.

24:27I know.

24:30I know.

24:32But I know.

24:33I know.

24:36I know.

24:36It's going to be good.

24:42You know, when you get me.

24:53I know.

25:00Sayonara, queen.

25:18And a pantsuit.

25:38I'm sorry, you're right.

25:42I'm sorry, you're right.

25:42Oh, my God.

25:47Well, I've checked it over.

25:50and I have to say that actually, legally,

25:55the Streamberry Corporation can do this.

26:01What? How?

26:03Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are.

26:06But the show is using my life.

26:08It's-it's my name, it's my career, it's me.

26:11They're-they're using me, so...

26:14And you assign them the right to exploit all of that.

26:17What? When?

26:20Terms and conditions.

26:23I have never seen this before.

26:25You have. You just haven't seen it printed out before.

26:28All of that would've popped up on your phone or whatever

26:31when you first signed up to Streamberry,

26:33and you clicked accept.

26:35But, I mean, I had-I had no-how was I supposed to know this?

26:40I know, but you did accept it, and so they're in the clear.

26:44No, no, no, no, no. They can't-they can't do this to me.

26:48There are only so many ways for me to tell you that they absolutely can.

26:57Okay, well, Salma Hayek.

26:59Yeah, pretty cool.

27:01No-no, I'm gonna sue Salma Hayek.

27:04For what?

27:04For-for-for, like, passing herself off as me.

27:08She has no right to do that.

27:09Well, it's not really Salma Hayek.

27:12Yes, it is.

27:13No, technically, uh, the show deploys a digital likeness of Ms. Hayek.

27:20They don't film her. She licensed her image to them.

27:25The entire show is CGI.

27:27It's generated by some kind of super-advanced, deep-fake quantum computer mumbo-jumbo.

27:33They could make Salma Hayek blow an orangutan if they wanted to.

27:38Oh.

27:39I'm guessing Ms. Hayek might object to that, but you get my point.

27:44Right, so it's all-it's all computers.

27:46That's how they get it on the surface so fast.

27:50But how do they, how do they even know what I'm doing?

27:53It's the same, it's the same day.

27:55Well, you know when you've got your phone face down on the table

27:58and you're in your kitchen and you're talking to your friend about,

28:01I don't know, shoe deodorizers.

28:04And then, you know, you go on your computer and what pops up?

28:07A shoe deodorizing ad.

28:09And then you get an email and it's all about shoe deodorizing

28:12and then you're rocking down the street and it's shoe deodorizing

28:14and you can't escape it and it's...

28:15Yeah, so?

28:16Um, that's how they know.

28:20Okay.

28:21But, but the show makes stuff up about me.

28:27Right?

28:28It embellishes things.

28:29It makes me look worse than I really am.

28:32So, defamation.

28:34Yeah, page 53, paragraph 12.

28:37There's something about creating characters and dialogue for dramatic purposes.

28:45Fuck!

28:47I agree.

28:49Uh, I hate to say it, but this thing is, is watertight.

28:52Oh my God.

28:53They got you every which way and then some.

28:56My advice is to try and ignore it.

29:00What the fuck kind of advice is that?

29:02It's the only kind I got.

29:06Oh my God.

29:10Okay.

29:13Hi guys!

29:14Hey, how are you doing out there?

29:16Cool!

29:17Fuck!

29:27Sorry.

29:27Do I know you?

29:28Mm-hmm.

29:31This show, it is using my life, my name, my career.

29:37You assigned them the right to exploit all of that.

29:40When?

29:41How?

29:42Terms and conditions.

29:44I've never even seen this.

29:46I would have known if I had signed it because I would have known that I signed something I

29:49didn't read because who has time to read that?

29:54You did accept it though.

29:56What?

29:57Yeah, they're really clear.

30:02Oh, hey.

30:03Can I come in?

30:04Yeah, yeah.

30:07Hey, uh...

30:10There.

30:13Sorry.

30:16Oh, honey.

30:19Honey.

30:25Oh, my God.

30:30No.

30:33No.

30:56What's wrong?

30:58Um...

30:59I can't get hard.

31:03Sure you can.

31:05Hey.

31:06You want me to do that horrible thing you love?

31:10It's, um...

31:11It's that this is so public.

31:14What do you mean?

31:15This is gonna be on the show.

31:18Okay, but it's not us.

31:20It's...

31:21It's computer people.

31:22It's Salma Hayek.

31:24And...

31:24Well, yeah, I know.

31:25So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy who can't get it up for Salma Hayek.

31:28I mean, it's like, you know, it's one thing to not be able to get it up for, like, you,

31:34but Salma Hayek, I mean, look, people are gonna laugh at me.

31:37This show is called fucking Joan is Awful.

31:39How do you think I feel?

31:41I...

31:42Look, when I said that I wanted to get back together with you...

31:44Well, you basically begged me to get back together with you.

31:47Yeah, but I didn't agree to be a public figure.

31:50Neither did I!

31:53Except you did.

31:55Page 58 of the terms and conditions.

31:57They just said so on the show.

32:01Joan, I always said you gotta read the terms and conditions.

32:19I can sue Cate Blanchett.

32:21Uh, for what?

32:23For passing herself off as me!

32:26That isn't the real Cate Blanchett.

32:29The show just deploys a digital likeness of Miss Blanchett.

32:33The whole show is CGI.

32:35It's generated by a quantum computer.

32:38They could make her blow an orangutan if they wanted.

32:43Although, I am guessing the real Miss Blanchett might object to that.

32:48Did you get my point?

32:56Hmm.

33:05Hmm.

33:09Hmm.

33:11Mm-hmm.

33:15Oh, whack that's up!

33:17Beela!

33:17Hmm.

33:19Hmm.

33:25Oh, God.

34:07Anyone knows he reasons why these two may not be wed.

34:12Let him speak now.

34:14Merry Christmas, one and all!

34:22What are you doing?

34:35Get the kids out of here!

34:37Get out of here!

34:39Get out of here!

34:45It's so funny.

34:47Some hikes gonna fucking hate this.

34:50Why?

34:52Have you not seen Jonah's Awful?

34:55No, but it's on my list.

34:57Just wait till episode four.

34:58I hear it's gonna be a blast.

35:01Hey, lawyers here.

35:03Posted bail.

35:06You're free to go.

35:09For now.

35:15You're disgusting.

35:18Why these two should not be wed.

35:19Let him speak now.

35:22Merry Christmas, one and all!

35:25Oh, my God!

35:30Oh.

35:31Oh!

35:34Oh.

35:37Oh!

35:38Oh!

35:40Oh!

35:42Oh!

35:46Oh!

35:47Oh!

35:48I thought I'd see myself defecating in a church.

35:52Well, uh, technically,

35:55that's the Joan character, not you.

35:59So this character, whose face do they have?

36:02Do they have your face or my face?

36:05Your face.

36:07Salma Hayek's face.

36:08So then whose anus is doing the shitting?

36:13Uh...

36:14Salma Hayek's anus?

36:17Bingo.

36:19I am Roman Catholic.

36:21My grandmother Rosa was going to be a nun.

36:24She might die when she sees this.

36:26What right do they have to kill my abuela

36:29with this deep-fake, heretic abomination?

36:34Uh, page 39, paragraph 8.

36:37Paragraph 8 can suck my dick.

36:39I don't even know what it says anyway.

36:41Uh, your image rights agreement with Streamberry.

36:44It's, uh, page 39, paragraph 8.

36:47Specifically covers any acts or behaviors Joan may exhibit

36:52up to, including, and beyond defecation.

36:56Beyond defecation?

36:58Beyond. That's what it says.

37:00You know I don't read this crap.

37:02I am a dyslexic, talented actress with questionable English.

37:06That's why I overpaid you.

37:09Okay.

37:09To protect me.

37:11I mean, doesn't my asshole have any rights?

37:13Okay.

37:14Okay, okay.

37:15Okay.

37:17Okay.

37:18Okay.

37:19Let's collect ourselves and, uh...

37:22Good.

37:24Brainstorm so we can do some damage control.

37:26So, what can you do to erase this image

37:31from every machine in the world?

37:34Ahem.

37:36Nothing.

37:38Okay.

37:40Then I guess I'm just gonna have to settle

37:42for a huge lawsuit against them.

37:44Um, I've looked up and down and researched,

37:48and there is no legal basis.

37:51There's no way we can sue these guys.

37:55Then I'm gonna sue you.

37:57You sue me out.

37:59You useless, overrated mugget.

38:02You take your barrel graphite

38:06and shove it up your ass,

38:09and I hope that you get paper cuts in your camaroids

38:12and die!

38:14You're fired.

38:46What the fuck?!

38:57I didn't, um, actually think that you would have come to welcome to my home.

39:04I understand that you're mad.

39:06Oh, do you?

39:07Please don't kill me, Salma.

39:08I...

39:09You're lucky I'm a humanitarian.

39:12Let's have a talk.

39:15Come on!

39:17Coming?

39:17Oh, my...

39:19Goodness me.

39:21Oh, my God.

39:23Now it all makes sense.

39:25Look at all this shit.

39:27What's wrong with you, girl?

39:29I mean, must you be so disgusting?

39:33I mean, the last few days have been pretty rough, so...

39:37Rough enough to take a dump in the house of God?

39:40If you don't have any self-respect, that's your thing.

39:43But to disrespect the church, frankly, to disrespect my image...

39:47I don't want to be associated with you.

39:50Well, I don't want to be associated with me, either.

39:53They took my life.

39:55They turned it into a CGI fucking drama.

39:58I lose my fiancée.

40:00I lose my job.

40:02They put my entire existence out there for everyone to watch.

40:05And you signed up to be the face of it.

40:08You're a fucking enabler.

40:09I should be yelling at you.

40:10You are yelling at me.

40:11Well, I need to yell at someone!

40:14Well, it's not fair that you're taking it all out on me.

40:17I am sorry that I shat in a church, okay?

40:23But I was trying to get your attention so that you'd get in touch with Streamberry

40:28and have them pull the plug on the show.

40:30I already made that call.

40:33And?

40:34They told me to go fuck myself.

40:37They did?

40:38Can you believe it?

40:40So you can't stop this?

40:42I thought for once I was going to have control over my own image.

40:46But those fuckers lied about everything.

40:49First they told me this was going to be a prestige show.

40:52Right.

40:53Look, I didn't think it was going to be like my movie Frida,

40:56but I could imagine that it was going to be this.

41:00And then they said that they were closing the pay gap.

41:05Bullshit!

41:06They are paying me one-tenth of what they're paying George Clooney.

41:11I'm sorry.

41:11George Clooney is going to be in this show?

41:15No, they're sticking his head on a Thomas the Tank Engine reboot.

41:19Wait.

41:21How much are they paying you?

41:23Oh, nothing.

41:26Nothing?

41:27Nothing!

41:29That is so fucked up.

41:33Yeah.

41:34Well, they're screwing us both.

41:37I mean, how do you think Cate Blanchett feels about this?

41:40Fuck her.

41:43This is the bad guy.

41:44Mona Giovanni.

41:46Giovanni.

41:47Whatever.

41:48And the whole strawberry machine.

41:52It's re-berry.

41:53They have taken one hundred years of cinema and diminished it to an app.

41:59I want to go and take that computer and rip the cables out of it and stick them up.

42:08It's us.

42:09Let's bring down the system.

42:11The-the computer thing.

42:13Oh, yeah.

42:14Let's.

42:15Are you a hacker?

42:16No, no, no, no, no.

42:17I mean, I mean, like, physically.

42:19So, it says the server's outside of Mona Giovanni's office.

42:22So, we just get in there and fucking...

42:27You know?

42:28Her office is all the way at the top.

42:30You can't crawl on the side of the building like Spider-Man's.

42:33No, no, no.

42:33You don't have to.

42:34Because you can just walk in the front door.

42:37We can't just do that.

42:40You can.

42:41Because you're Selma fucking Hayek.

42:52You're right.

42:54Yeah.

42:55I am Selma fucking Hayek.

43:17Good morning.

43:19Hi.

43:20Hello.

43:21Miss Hayek.

43:22I have an appointment with Mona Giovanni.

43:25Of course.

43:26Let me just...

43:31I-I can't, um...

43:33It should be in the system.

43:34Please do.

43:35Excuse me.

43:35Is there a restroom I can use?

43:37Of course.

43:37Right over there.

43:39I'm afraid that's too public.

43:41Thanks to your show,

43:43every time people see me go into one of those,

43:45all they can think about is hot beer ria coming out of my bottom.

43:49Of course.

43:51Can we swipe Miss Hayek through?

43:54There is a private restroom down the corridor on the right.

43:59And don't worry.

44:00I'm just gonna pee.

44:03I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

44:05Cool.

44:17Just one sec.

44:19Yeah, good.

44:20You rolling?

44:20Yeah.

44:21Great.

44:21So, Miss Javadi.

44:23Hmm.

44:23A lot going on here at Streambury.

44:25Loads of heat around your new show.

44:27I know, right?

44:28Bet you've got a heap of questions.

44:29Yeah.

44:31Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview.

44:33I think it might be important.

44:35Sorry.

44:38Sorry, sorry, sorry.

44:40Yes?

44:41Apparently Selma Hyek's downstairs asking to see you.

44:43Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself this morning?

44:45Maybe that's why.

44:47Just get security to chuck her out.

44:52Sorry, sorry.

44:53She's new.

44:54Yeah.

44:54I don't know how long she'll last.

44:56Anyway, where were we?

44:59Joan is awful.

45:00Joan is awful.

45:10What are you wearing?

45:11The disguise.

45:13Take it off.

45:13They're gonna think you're kidnapping me.

45:15Okay.

45:16Hurry on.

45:17Okay.

45:25So, here at Streambury, we are passionate about creating new forms of entertainment.

45:33This whole floor is dedicated to content generation R&D.

45:38Experimental entertainment, computer generated material.

45:42Like Joan is awful.

45:43Exactly.

45:45And that is made by this, the quamputer, which is actually just down that corridor on the

45:52left.

45:53A kind of quantum computer.

45:55Yeah.

45:56Hence the name.

45:57An infinite content creator capable of willing entire multiverses into existence.

46:03Right?

46:03And we're in those rendered worlds, shooting, packaging, and editing fully edited programs

46:09that would normally take months to make, such as?

46:13Joan is awful.

46:14I wish they'd stop saying that.

46:16Correct.

46:17I like the picture.

46:18And the role Salma's depicting is based on a real Joan, right?

46:22Mm-hmm.

46:22Yep.

46:23Why that particular woman?

46:25What's so special about her?

46:26Absolutely nothing.

46:28We were looking for a totally average, nobody person, just to test the system.

46:33The point is, Joan is awful.

46:36It's just the beginning.

46:37The aim here is to launch unique, tailored content to each individual in our database.

46:43All 800 million of them created on the fly by our system.

46:46The most relatable content imaginable.

46:49Actually, there's one for you.

46:52I couldn't resist.

46:53Yeah.

46:54This is actually real and will be available to stream from Friday.

47:01Oh, my God.

47:02Uh, why awful?

47:04Why is it all so negative?

47:06Yeah, no, that's a great question, Fatima.

47:09Um, we did try more affirmative content in the test cell, but we found that, um, our subjects

47:15just didn't buy it.

47:16It didn't chime with their neurotic view of themselves.

47:18What we found instead was when we focused on their more weak or selfish or craven moments,

47:25it confirmed their innermost fears and put them in a state of mesmerized horror,

47:31which really drives engagement.

47:33They literally can't look away.

47:36Let's kill this guampota.

47:38Oh, uh, wait, wait.

47:40Did you get everything you...

47:42Hey, where is she?

47:43Hi.

47:43Where is she?

47:43Where's someone?

47:44I let her go to the toilet.

47:45How hard is it to find someone?

47:47Most of the walls are glass.

47:47Can you guys do something?

47:55Is that it?

47:56It's locked.

47:57There.

48:04There it is.

48:05Holy Christ!

48:06I know it's allowed in here!

48:07I'm calling security!

48:09If you call security, I will break your arm.

48:14Don't think I won't, because I will.

48:16Understood?

48:17Yes, Miss Hayek.

48:19Okay.

48:20How do we get in here?

48:23What's that?

48:25Joan is awful.

48:26No, but that's me.

48:28That should be her, right?

48:30Because that's the variant of Joan is awful

48:32that the Joan below you sees when she watches the show.

48:36What?

48:37The Joan below me?

48:38You're not the original Joan.

48:40That's source Joan.

48:41We need a code for this Joan.

48:43Wait, should I...

48:45Source Joan?

48:46Yeah, you're just a Joan.

48:49Who's source Joan?

48:50The real Joan.

48:52Look.

48:53There.

48:54Source Joan.

48:55Source Joan?

48:58I'm not the real Joan?

48:59You're a version of Joan, played by a digital likeness of Annie Murphy.

49:05Who's Annie Murphy?

49:06The actress.

49:08There.

49:09Look familiar?

49:10Schitt's Creek?

49:11No?

49:12Great show.

49:13You're playing an adaptation of Joan.

49:15Look.

49:16Source Joan lives in reality.

49:18When Source Joan watches the TV show Joan is awful, she sees you playing her.

49:22That show is the fictive level we're on right now.

49:25Here.

49:25The fictive level?

49:25Yes.

49:26Fictive level one.

49:28Like I said, this is an adaptation of Joan's life.

49:30You're in a show right now.

49:32I'm in a show right now?

49:34Come on.

49:35Have you seen where you live?

49:37Who could afford a place like that?

49:39It's a TV show house.

49:40I mean, look at me.

49:41Michael Cera licensed his face, just like Annie Murphy licensed her face to play Joan on level one,

49:46and Selma Hayek lives in the third face to play Joan on level two, and to play herself here on

49:50level one.

49:51Whoa, whoa, whoa.

49:53I'm not playing myself.

49:56I am myself.

49:57Yeah, yeah, but it tracks that you believe that because you're coded to play yourself on this level.

50:02What?

50:03We're not in reality right now.

50:04This is fictive level one.

50:05If I'm not here, then where am I?

50:08I don't know where the real Miss Hayek is.

50:11I don't have eyes on her.

50:12She's probably in Zurich or on a beach somewhere.

50:14I don't know where she is.

50:15I mean, this is not called Selma Hayek gets everything explained to her but doesn't understand it still.

50:20It's called Joan is Awful.

50:22It's her story, by which I mean the real her.

50:24I don't mean, I'm not Annie Murphy.

50:25Source Joan.

50:26The Joan that lives...

50:28Oh, thank God.

50:30You are so boring.

50:32Jesus.

50:36Annie Murphy, you're my hero.

50:38You guard the door.

50:42I'm gonna kill that fucking computer.

50:59Come on.

51:01Come on.

51:02Just kill that computer.

51:03Okay, just wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

51:05So, inside this computer, there's a version of you playing me who thinks she's real?

51:12Yeah.

51:13They're coming.

51:14Do it.

51:15Do it.

51:15Come on.

51:16Okay, if you destroy that, you destroy everybody inside every fictive universe above this one.

51:19You.

51:20Billions of simulated souls who consider themselves to be real will die.

51:23Do you really want all that blood on your hands?

51:26I need to find blood for me here.

51:28Okay, this is a quantum computer, right?

51:30We barely know how it works.

51:32It's basically magic.

51:33The reality we're in will cease to exist.

51:36Would I die?

51:38Instantly.

51:39Put the fucking axe down, Annie Murphy.

51:41Now.

51:41Listen to her, Joan.

51:43Put it down.

51:43Now as you're told.

51:44I can't.

51:47Because the fact that I'm standing here right now means that Source Joan already stood here in reality.

51:52So, it doesn't matter what I want because the events that this is based on have already happened.

51:57It's not my decision.

52:00It's Joan's.

52:01Okay.

52:02It's happening.

52:03All right, Joan.

52:04She's doing it.

52:04Joan, get the axe down.

52:05Joan's doing it.

52:07No!

52:08Computer!

52:09Go!

52:10Fucking Jesus!

52:27I think we're done.

52:37What's your name, please?

52:38Danny Murphy.

52:59So, where are we at?

53:02Uh, I'm dating.

53:04Mm-hmm.

53:04Again.

53:06Just taking it slow, you know, and trying to make some time for myself.

53:12Well, how does that make you feel?

53:14Feels good, you know?

53:16Feels good to be okay on your own.

53:19And work?

53:21Yeah.

53:22I mean, my job is far less corporate.

53:26But I'm my own boss.

53:27I-I treat my staff well.

53:29Uh, and I'm actually, uh, I'm actually proud of what I do, so.

53:35It's good to hear.

53:37Yeah, thanks.

53:38So maybe now, do you feel...

53:41Yeah, um, like the main character in my own life?

53:46Mm-hmm.

53:49Yeah, I-I think I do.

53:51And you don't feel too confined?

53:55Oh, the house arrest.

53:57Mm-hmm.

53:58You know, there's good days and bad days.

54:02I guess that's to be expected.

54:23Yeah, it's not good.

54:34Hi, Joan.

54:36Hi, Abby.

54:38How you doing?

54:38Good.

54:39The usual?

54:39The usual.

54:40Please?

54:41Okay.

54:43Missed you.

54:44How are you?

54:45I'm good.

54:55Merry Christmas, one and all!

54:58Oh, oh, oh.

55:03Yeah, yeah.

55:06Sorry, I don't, I don't.

55:09Get out, get out.

55:13Yeah, I'm sorry.

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