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00:03Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:10On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:14we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman,
00:24catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the Prime Minister.
00:29Well, this is news.
00:29Who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially for him.
00:32Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:35...healed scandalous and hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives,
00:39including our very own Sarah Stratton, recently married to MP Paul Stratton, and Amanda,
00:45the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:48Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:54Oh Christ.
00:56So, Melanie Hamilton.
00:58You know she used to get me to spank her?
00:59Call the hairbrush.
01:01Daddy.
01:02God, pity.
01:03Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio.
01:09What's happening?
01:09In the mid-60s.
01:11Roll the tape.
01:12Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:15A number of rock stars.
01:16Hmm.
01:17At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:18A couple of footballers.
01:20The American actor, Johnny, Johnny Friedlander.
01:23Yes.
01:24And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:25You don't forget that silky voice.
01:27And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex enthusiastically?
01:32No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:34And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:40Protection.
01:41We were all high as kites.
01:43I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:45Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:46And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:52I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:53Please get off my driveway.
01:54Can I ask why?
01:55Get off my driveway.
01:56Mrs. Gordon.
01:57Oh, my God.
01:58Mrs. Gordon.
01:59I think that's no comment.
02:01Helen Gordon.
02:02Previously, Helen Campbell Black was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black and his show-jumping teammates while on holiday
02:08in Kenya.
02:08What's a foursome?
02:09What are you doing out of bed?
02:11Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:13It is another word for a quartet.
02:16At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook, Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:23beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha, a girl 17 years, his junior.
02:29For fuck's sake.
02:29Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:34So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:40Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:43But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
02:48Well, Jane.
02:50You know why they call her Milk Snatcher?
02:52It's not taking dairy products from kids.
02:54It's because she's got a milky snack.
02:57With the polls opening in ten hours, we ask,
03:00how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:03be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:08Fuuuuck!
03:16You gotta speed it up
03:18And then you gotta slow it down
03:21Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top
03:24You gotta play around
03:26Until you will find that there comes a time
03:29For making your mind down
03:32You gotta turn it on
03:34And then you gotta put it out
03:36You gotta be sure that it's something
03:39Everybody's gonna do
03:40Nobody is that!
03:42I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!
03:42Before you decide that the time will run
03:44For making your mind up
03:49We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black
03:51Minister for Sport
03:52And the subject of last night's extraordinary unscented allegations
03:55We're gonna try and get a few words from him
03:57As he arrives and is having a day on election day
04:00Mr. Campbell Black!
04:01Hello, Mr. Campbell Black!
04:03Any comments on the unscented documenting last night?
04:05Hello, good morning, everyone
04:06Happy election day
04:07Don't look too disappointed
04:08Any comments on unscented last night?
04:13Morning
04:14Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today
04:18No reference to the broadcast
04:19Everything pointed towards getting out a vote
04:21Um, how's he doing?
04:23I tried to call, but
04:24See for yourself
04:25As the country heads to the polls today for the general election
04:28The question on everyone's lips isn't whether or not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government
04:32Can hold on to power
04:34But how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
04:42Has he been drinking all morning?
04:44He's been drinking all night
04:46He hasn't been to bed
04:47But it's election day
04:48Yep
04:50Can you persuade him to stop?
04:52Really?
04:57I'm going to call Helen again
04:58Oh, he's been trying out all morning
05:00She's going to go full midair on me after this
05:04I'm going to go full midair on me after this
05:17I'll give you a minute
05:17Yeah
05:18Rupert, pleaseýchets
05:19Rupert
05:19We'll be back in a minute.
05:29Minister, any comments that I've censored last night?
05:34Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
05:40Don't forget to vote.
05:50I think no one's taking it.
05:51It's all right, we're back, it's all right.
05:58Hey!
06:07Gonna pick up Caitlin from school.
06:09All right.
06:15Is this journalism her, Daddy?
06:17Destroying people's private lives.
06:18I mean, the things she said about him.
06:19B.C. is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
06:24God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:28What's it mean for Ventra?
06:31Don't know, love.
06:33Don't know.
06:37I'm disappointed, Tony.
06:38You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
06:41We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
06:44And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
06:47Now, I know you and Rupert have your differences, but his poor wife and children.
06:51Who's that?
06:52That's your present.
07:02Oh, Tony.
07:04Happy anniversary, Tony.
07:06Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:08Not in early.
07:09I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:11You always say they look like rats in ballgowns.
07:15The Falkenry has been without peacocks since you were at Deb.
07:17It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:19Mummy would be thrilled.
07:21No.
07:22I'll need to be careful not to speed up the drive later.
07:24I haven't got you anything yet.
07:28Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
07:31I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
07:33You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen?
07:34On the day of the general election?
07:36Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
07:39We'll spend the evening together.
07:41It'll be good.
07:43Well, you know how I love the theater.
07:54Vroom, vroom.
07:57It's beautiful, though.
07:59Helen!
08:00Helen, open the door!
08:03You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:06Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:09Stand down!
08:11I don't mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell.
08:17Helen's at school with Tabitha.
08:19I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:24You're not running in the father's race?
08:25I don't qualify.
08:30You haven't been to bed, have you?
08:32You know what? I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Malise.
08:35Fuck you! Fuck Helen!
08:36I need to see my children!
08:38I'm their father! Have you forgotten what that's like?
08:40Oh!
08:54Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
08:58You need to sober up.
09:03How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:05I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
09:08I've been off work moving her into a home.
09:10Tony has been so kind.
09:12He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
09:16to prep.
09:16Kind.
09:17Or strategic.
09:18I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
09:21We need to get you back to work.
09:23Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:24But he's got what he wants.
09:26Rupert's on his knees.
09:27That'll never be enough for Tony.
09:29He'll be coming for the rest of us.
09:33Do you think so?
09:34What do you mean?
09:37Fiendish of you to have a technical run of the bed the whole time.
09:40It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
09:44What can I say?
09:46You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
09:49We aim to please.
09:50You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
09:53As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
09:55You're a public toilet.
09:57I don't think it was a bit cruel.
09:59You don't know what he did to me?
10:01Proportionate response, Joyce.
10:02Good night's work, everyone.
10:04On we go.
10:09Are you hungry?
10:10A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:14I could murder a martini in a bloody steak.
10:17I know.
10:19A little hotel.
10:21Very discreet.
10:23We'll be back in plenty of time for the election special.
10:27What an enticing offer.
10:30I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
10:40That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
10:46Elegantly handled.
10:48It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
10:53Quiet down, everyone.
10:56I'm sorry that our first Venture board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:01Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:02I know how these things can get emotional.
11:06So, Declan?
11:07Thank you, Freddie.
11:09So, bad news first.
11:12The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:14What?
11:15They can't be tainted by association.
11:17Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
11:22Is anyone else going to say it?
11:25Rupert should resign from the board.
11:27No.
11:28The IBA is run by a woman.
11:29And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
11:34were very hard to stand.
11:36They were private comments.
11:37He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
11:39She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
11:41It was her thing.
11:42If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
11:46As a group, what values do we stand for?
11:53Come on. Easy there. Easy.
11:57So, we'll go in the order they're called. James, James.
11:59Hmm?
11:59Probably Cockchester first.
12:01Then Rutminster.
12:02Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
12:04Big swing for the Tories.
12:05We'll have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
12:07Watch your feet there.
12:08And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:11Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
12:16After a ten year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
12:20So, used to making big decisions.
12:22All set for tonight, gang.
12:23Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
12:27Reverend Penny.
12:28Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
12:31I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
12:36Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
12:40Well, thank goodness that Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the Carinium Board.
12:45I'm sure the IBA will align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
12:48I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
12:50One thing I'm curious about, Lord Bavingham.
12:52Yes?
12:53As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation the night
12:58before the country goes to the polls?
13:01Well Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would say it's paramount.
13:05We make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's in the modern
13:12government, which is of course bigger than any individual member.
13:15Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
13:18Rupert always had a rapier wit.
13:20Milk Snatcher.
13:22I spat on my sherry.
13:25Sorry.
13:29Archie's been writing to me at school.
13:31Archie Wellington.
13:32Caitlin.
13:32He sent me a mixtape.
13:33It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
13:37to have sex in a caravan.
13:39It's not just Rupert's reputation.
13:41If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
13:42I'm here to make telly.
13:44The Yates programme is your baby.
13:45We sell it somewhere else, mate.
13:46Will anyone else take it now?
13:48I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
13:51This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
13:56Aye, sir, just rubbish anyway.
13:58Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
13:59I was at that party with Johnny Friedlander, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous in his life.
14:05I mean, until now.
14:06So even the tree woman at once thinks?
14:08Well, it sounds jolly time.
14:10Look at you.
14:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:14Okay, I think it should take more than a Carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:19You're very quiet.
14:21We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
14:23It's not just the profile.
14:25We need his financial stake.
14:28But?
14:29But a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
14:33And Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
14:37I spoke to my father.
14:39What did he say?
14:41What did he say?
14:43What did he say?
14:44What did he say?
14:45What did he say?
14:46What did he say?
14:46I could cover the investment of Rupert's.
14:48But?
14:49I could leave him with Rupert's.
14:56So, Tosh's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
14:59But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
15:04Phone, Daddy.
15:05Not now, sweetheart.
15:06It is for me.
15:07She says it's urgent.
15:09Oh.
15:10Just press pause, okay?
15:16I got a tag.
15:17Hello, love.
15:18Natalie Pro has got food with me.
15:20She can't go on tonight.
15:21I'm odd, darling.
15:22I really can't.
15:23I'm going on for her.
15:25To play.
15:27Nora.
15:28I can come.
15:29If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
15:31Have you seen the newspapers?
15:34It's Rupert.
15:35He's always in some scrape or other.
15:37I need you.
15:39Please?
15:40Don't worry, love.
15:40You'll be wonderful.
15:41My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
15:44If I leave now, the company could crumble.
15:45What? You're not coming?
15:46It's Venturer, love.
15:52Look, but it's not dishonest, is it?
15:54Rupert is just Rupert.
15:55Always has been.
15:56Take it or leave it.
15:57I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
15:59The Archbishop doesn't.
16:00Doesn't he have anything better to do?
16:01I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
16:04How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
16:07I thought you were a Bohemian.
16:08Who here doesn't have a past?
16:09Not one that B.T. Johnson would be interested in.
16:11Well, I don't imagine if she gets stabbed at Glyndebourne, then.
16:13I'm sorry.
16:14It's him or me.
16:15Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
16:16Cameron.
16:17Us against the world?
16:18Are we going to take this?
16:19Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham, are we going to take it lying down?
16:23I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive
16:27this.
16:28What about we just take a vote?
16:29Democracy in action.
16:30Fuck democracy!
16:36You know what I mean.
16:38You're going to abstain, Cameron.
16:41You better go while we vote.
16:44Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
16:48This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
16:55Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other
16:59way round.
17:00Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before
17:04you tell him he's been subjected to another vote.
17:13You okay?
17:14This is such a fucking mess.
17:17Why'd you defend him?
17:18Because I love him.
17:21Because he fought for me.
17:22Now is my time to fight for him.
17:29Okay.
17:31How do we do this?
17:49Coffee?
17:51No.
17:53It's not a question.
17:53Sit.
17:56The Times, the Telegraph, today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
18:01You're on the front page of all of it.
18:04Photographers have already set up camp outside waiting for you to leave.
18:07Glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
18:10For God's sake, Rupert, grow up!
18:15We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy playing everything for a laugh.
18:21Might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing forty, I'm afraid it's
18:26long ago passed over into pathetic.
18:31Right.
18:33Needless to say, Helen's furious.
18:36Needless to say.
18:37Well, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea
18:41the scale of her humiliation.
18:43Thank God you saved her from me.
18:46We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
18:50You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
18:54And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
18:57Oh, come on, Millies.
18:59Who doesn't have their sexual peccadillas?
19:01I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on her
19:04a couple of times.
19:05Your daughter was in tears this morning.
19:08Because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
19:14You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children.
19:18Because you can't keep your bloody cock inside your trousers.
19:22Of course, the irony in all that is that I have stopped.
19:29Ugh.
19:30Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
19:33Oh, really?
19:34Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault?
19:36Months ago, and they're the last.
19:44I'm not excusing what's happened, but...
19:49Beauty let me confide in her at a time when I needed to.
19:53And I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
19:57Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but...
20:00They didn't broadcast any of that, but...
20:03Don't worry.
20:04I'll get what I deserve.
20:07I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
20:09Yes.
20:10Most likely.
20:11But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
20:15You learned then, didn't you?
20:16Pulled yourself together.
20:18And Timmy died.
20:24I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
20:29Keep you close.
20:30Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
20:35But, of course, it was hopeless.
20:37I used to blame myself.
20:40But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
20:44Your father gave you the worst possible example.
20:47You can do better for your children.
20:49They love you, the poor little buggers.
20:54For me?
20:56Hmm.
20:57Put these on, and go and cast your vote with dignity.
21:22Hope I can count on your vote, Willis.
21:26I shall be voting for the Liberals.
21:36Oh!
21:37Natalie's not on tonight.
21:39Tonight the Aurora will be played by Maud O'Hara.
21:42Oh, God.
21:42It gets worse.
21:43Let's just go for dinner.
21:44Oh, no, no.
21:44Let's go for a chance.
21:45Now we're here.
21:46We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
21:49Oh, darling.
21:49Oh!
21:53Later tonight we'll be bringing you all the live updates from the central south-west region.
21:57Plus, in-depth analysis of the results as they come in.
22:00Served with a generous helping of Caridium Charm.
22:03Oh.
22:04Look, there's Danny.
22:05But first, let's go over to the ITN newsroom.
22:08Good evening.
22:09The campaigns are over.
22:10The polls are open.
22:12Three hours to go until 13 o'clock.
22:18I know I shouldn't be here.
22:20I just wanted to talk to you.
22:22It's been a terrible day.
22:25I thought if James was on the telly he couldn't be here, so...
22:28Oh.
22:30But I'm cooking supper for the children.
22:33Of course.
22:33I'm sorry.
22:35Is that a potato waffle?
22:36Mm-hmm.
22:37Because, um...
22:39I haven't eaten all day.
22:42We've been arguing about Rupert.
22:43Oh.
22:44Declan's head has put it to a vote.
22:46Oh.
22:46What did you do?
22:48I voted for Rupert to stay.
22:49Oh, good.
22:51Of course he's behaved awfully, but I've always felt it's our job as his friends to stay loyal, to steer
22:56him onto the path.
22:57We've all done things.
23:01I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
23:05Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome, so she's ripped out all the pampers grass
23:08just in case.
23:10But Rupert's staying.
23:12Well.
23:13Declan's got the casting vote.
23:15I left him to it.
23:16It didn't feel right.
23:16Mummy!
23:20I'm going to go home.
23:25Where do you stand on fish fingers?
23:29I can't get enough of them.
23:30Wow.
23:31Tired!
23:33Brar!
23:35Wraaah!
23:37Mwraaah!
23:37Mwraaah!
23:39Mwraaah!
23:39OK, come on upstairs now for teeth brushing.
23:42No.
23:42You better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
23:46Oh, no.
23:47I've got no teeth.
23:49Where's your teeth going?
23:51You're funny, Mr Jones.
23:53Thank you, Mr Verica.
23:54I'm Sebastian.
23:56Well, I'm Freddie.
23:57Freddie!
23:58OK, upstairs now.
24:03Why are all posh people called Sebastian?
24:05We're not posh people.
24:06You're posher than me.
24:09Oh, dear.
24:10Are you all right?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Have you got a wheelchair?
24:14Well, James treats me like a wheelchair.
24:17Something you can fall back on in old age.
24:23Why did you marry him?
24:28Because he asked me.
24:35Why did you marry Valerie?
24:39I loved her.
24:44I loved her.
24:47I should go.
24:50Let's go.
25:05Let's go.
25:07Come on.
25:31Where are you?
25:41Good night, Freddy.
25:44Good night, Lizzie.
26:04Ta-da!
26:07Blimey. Look at you.
26:10Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
26:12We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
26:15Proper gentleman.
26:16He looks like a penguin.
26:18Sharon, stop it!
26:22Look what we've done, eh?
26:26Oh, boy.
26:28I'm proud of you.
26:31We've got everything on the list.
26:33Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
26:39I'm proud of you and all.
26:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team, all their sun, eh?
26:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
26:47So you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
26:49No crying like a ninny.
26:51Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
26:55Sharon, come on.
26:56Stop being so lazy and have to get the rest of bags out of the car, you lump.
26:59Honestly.
27:08Don't know how I'm gonna cope.
27:09Not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
27:12You sure you want this?
27:14It makes Mum happy.
27:17Can I take this off now?
27:19Yes.
27:19Go on.
27:29Wasn't she wonderful?
27:31A revelation.
27:33I think you may have found your Titania.
27:37Maul!
27:37I couldn't cast Maul O'Hara!
27:39Declan would howl!
27:40Let's go round and see her, shall we?
27:49Congratulations.
27:50Woman of the hour.
27:52Woman of the half-hour call.
27:54I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
27:58After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
28:00Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
28:02I'm not.
28:03Tony, isn't he awful?
28:05I'm not complaining.
28:06This is extremely nice wine.
28:08We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
28:11Well, not for long.
28:13Tony, tell her.
28:15Ah, yes.
28:16Monica's had an idea.
28:17Oh.
28:18And I think it's a rather good one.
28:19I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
28:25The leading lady.
28:26Titania.
28:27Queen of the fairies.
28:28I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
28:30It's our flagship project.
28:32Filmed at Carinium with a live audience.
28:35Broadcast on the network.
28:36With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
28:40It's going to have quite a reach.
28:41Mm.
28:42God.
28:44I mean, thank you.
28:47I mean, obviously, I'll have to speak with my...
28:50Your husband.
28:50Yes, of course.
28:51I was going to say my agent.
28:53I wasn't.
28:53Mm.
28:55I knew Ibsen would be cried.
29:17I'm all good.
29:18I'm all good.
29:19And I have to ask you for a long time, oh, yes.
29:24That's all I'm ready for.
29:25I'm so better.
29:28good evening and welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special let's go over to our outside
29:33broadcast unit in Conchester now where I am being told yes Paul Stratton has retained his seat for
29:41the Conservatives I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters my constituency staff and to my
29:47wonderful secretary Samantha and of course I would like to thank my daughters Penelope and
29:54Cressida to my father Desmond Stratton QC for his sage advice during this election and finally
30:00to my schnauzer Sultan for being there good boy Sultan thank you Paul Stratton retaining his
30:18majority by more than 15,000 a decisive win there oh no go that way no
30:25I'll just hold it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing beat it head up okay act
30:33like
30:34nothing's wrong and people will believe it whatever happens I just want to say it has been an honor
30:39to serve with you and all right child I'm not going over the top ready ready
31:04childhood and bisley are about to declare stand by for outside broadcast and I'm just hearing now
31:09that we can go over to childhood and bisley for the announcement of today's result we weren't expecting
31:13you back tonight Tony I wouldn't miss this for the world and cut to outside broadcast
31:21as returning officer for the childhood and bisley constituency I hereby declare that the total
31:26number of votes for each candidate was as follows Michael Seaborne Labour Party candidate 5342
31:36David Edwards known as bar bar woolly rams bottom Cotswold loony party 283
31:45Margaret Baldwin liberal party 24,292 Rupert Campbell black conservative party
32:0236,292 Rupert Campbell black is duly elected member of parliament for chalford and bisley
32:15for the conservative party
32:3337,292 Rupert Campbell black re-elected as member of parliament for chalford and bisley this is his girlfriend television
32:44executive Cameron cook
32:48he's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a
32:58man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's
32:59a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man
33:08who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a
33:09man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's
33:09a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man
33:09who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a
33:09man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's a man who's
33:10a man who's a man who
33:16He won, didn't he?
33:20How does he do it?
33:21He's still their Olympic hero.
33:23Not to those who really know him.
33:26He's even got you on side.
33:27Look.
33:28He still needs a father figure sometimes.
33:30Or maybe you still need a son.
33:34I'm sorry.
33:35I'm sorry.
33:37I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
33:42And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
33:46Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
33:49It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
33:52If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets.
33:57Oh, for God's sake.
33:58He gets a seat at Parliament.
34:00All I get is to suffer by association.
34:02To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
34:05No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
34:23What happened to you in Kenya?
34:27What?
34:29You never told me about Kenya.
34:31What happened to you there?
34:34No, no, I didn't.
34:38I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
34:42Oh, and so you do.
34:44I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
34:50Which one?
34:58Hold a chicken in the air, stick a dead chair up your nuts, buy a jumbo jet, and then bury
35:06all your clothes.
35:07Can't you let me bring, let it scratch all the teeth, form a string of a tent, and pretend your
35:14name is here.
35:17Scan your cellar light, let your speaker not by home, on a silent door.
35:24Happy renavissimo, eating renavill oh.
35:28What esther-tuous punting is this?
35:30It's the chicken song.
35:32What?
35:33Um, spinning images of parody.
35:35Of what?
35:36Parody??
35:39Okay, come on. Let's go home.
35:40I just won the general bloody election.
35:44Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
35:48Honey, I need to talk to you about Ventura.
35:51No, no, no. We're celebrating Ventura won the election.
35:57I'm going to bed.
35:59Fine, fine, fine. I'll come with you.
36:02No, no, no. Celebrate.
36:05It's your party.
36:07The sun is lovely, pretty.
36:09It's true in all the 18th.
36:11Let's go to the party.
36:13Oh, no.
36:15Chicken area.
36:17Chicken picture of your mother.
36:19Fire, jumbo, jet.
36:21And they're very old.
36:22Come on.
36:26Take that, Dimbleby.
36:28As always, the great British public voted for mummy.
36:31How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
36:33You and me?
36:34Why not?
36:35I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
36:39Okay, then.
36:40Really?
36:40No.
36:44I thought you were wonderful, James.
36:48Ah!
36:49Hey, team.
36:50Who's up for partying?
36:52I could have equate my bridge.
36:55Daisy.
36:56Going somewhere nice?
36:57Knocking with the OB crew at the Cotchester Arms.
36:59Cider with the camera boys.
37:00I've got, er, Molly in my dressing room.
37:03No, thank you.
37:04Come on, Daisy.
37:05Why the sad face?
37:06Used to be much more up for partying.
37:07Buck off.
37:09Little Daisy just told me to F off.
37:17Deirdre?
37:17Yes, James?
37:19Call me a cab home.
37:20There's love.
37:34Where's where he put?
37:35I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose.
37:41What's wrong now?
37:43Oh, what is it?
37:45Do you want to be married to him or not?
37:47If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
37:52You can't talk to me like that.
37:53I just did.
38:07The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil mark.
38:11Oh, you're brilliant.
38:13BT bloody bumfuck bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
38:18Maybe next year I can ask for a bigger pendulum.
38:22Oh, speaking of pendulums.
38:27Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
38:30Yes, it is.
38:32Hmm?
38:37Oh, oh, I've brushed my teeth.
38:41Fine.
38:42We'll just have sex.
38:43Okay.
38:47Come on.
38:49Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
38:51But I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me.
38:54Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole.
38:56And be a fantastic double agent.
38:59Oh, open a little wider, Lizzie.
39:00I can't get it in.
39:02James the mole verica.
39:04There.
39:06That's the job, Lizzie.
39:06Good girl.
39:07Open up the bar.
39:10I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:13I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:16I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:20A hole.
39:22Oh.
39:33I am a kite.
39:35And you are my bollard.
39:53Oh, darling.
39:54You're home.
39:57Congratulations.
39:58You won.
39:59I made you breakfast.
40:00You must be exhausted after all that celebrating.
40:05I am so sorry about that stupid fight that we had.
40:10It was just my hormones.
40:12It wasn't your fault at all.
40:14But the baby?
40:15Your baby.
40:17I have been so mean to you, Paulie.
40:19I just want us to be a proper little family.
40:23I am so happy.
40:31You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
40:42I have been so happy that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
40:57Gerald.
40:58I was in bed.
41:00I've come to join you.
41:13I can't believe Rupert actually did it.
41:16He's Superman.
41:17Should I be jealous?
41:18I'd do anything for Rupert, but it's you I'm really in love with.
41:21You and Mrs Thatcher.
41:22Oh.
41:23Oh, I think my erection just died.
41:25No, no, really.
41:26Just stop talking about Mrs Thatcher.
41:29Sorry, sorry.
41:31You know I want to be an MP, Charles.
41:33And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love.
41:36And throwing away all your principles to work for a party that's taking away gay men's rights to even be
41:40considered human beings.
41:43I'm going to change things from the inside.
41:50Really?
41:51Why not?
41:54Fine.
42:01You know Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife.
42:07Gerald is very drunk.
42:10I mean, what does that even look like?
42:12Put up and shut up?
42:14Well, that's not your style, is it?
42:19You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair.
42:24I can't deny anything Petey said.
42:28So true.
42:29You don't have to.
42:32You are a whole person.
42:36And I love you.
42:47Let's have the dogs out.
42:55I adore you.
42:56Thank you for supporting me.
43:06No!
43:07Yes!
43:08Oh, yes!
43:10Are you happy or no?
43:12All right.
43:13That's fine.
43:14Don't get me.
43:18Downing Street, we're just on the phone.
43:21Mrs Thatcher wants to see you.
43:35I know it's smarts, darling.
43:37Whatever you think about Rupert.
43:39You know, I really couldn't do all this without your support.
43:42All your ideas.
43:44You're my secret weapon.
43:46It cuts both ways, darling.
43:48We're a team.
43:49Now, I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever.
43:53Look at him.
43:54I mean...
43:54Notice the thing he is, but it's a Lancelot.
43:57It's a Fox-a-lot.
44:03You'll stop this feud with Rupert now.
44:06Yes?
44:08Please.
44:10I will.
44:11Stop the feud with Rupert.
44:25How did you last night go for your mother?
44:26Did she call?
44:27Mm-mm.
44:27She didn't call.
44:30Egg steady?
44:31No.
44:32I couldn't eat, Ty.
44:35Mrs Thatcher's third landslide.
44:37Poor Mr Kinnick.
44:38She'd just give up.
44:39She's going to be Prime Minister forever.
44:41Change is hard.
44:42It scares people, so they stick with the status quo.
44:47Well, that's depressing.
44:49It's ready.
44:51You ought to talk to Rupert.
44:53What have you decided?
44:58Surely if you won the election, you'd...
45:01I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street.
45:05Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then.
45:07It's not Mrs Thatcher.
45:08It's Rupert.
45:15Thank you, gentlemen, ladies.
45:17I've spoken to Mrs Thatcher in light of the uncensored programme the night before last
45:22and the coverage that broadcast generated.
45:25I told the Prime Minister that although I won my seat in yesterday's general election,
45:29I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing.
45:34It was therefore with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted
45:39my resignation as an MP and a minister.
45:45There'll be another statement in your course, gentlemen.
45:48Thank you very much.
45:49Seems you've won after all, my lord.
45:57One down, three to go.
46:12All right, tell me.
46:14Do you need me to go?
46:15Well, let's listen.
46:23Good pleasure.
46:27Good pleasure.
46:29Good pleasure.
46:38Good pleasure.
46:40Love, love is never the problem again.
46:45Love, love is never the problem again.
46:51Love, love is never the problem again.