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00:00:12I can't believe it's over.
00:00:14An over and a glorious victory, Aziraphale.
00:00:18Quite outstanding.
00:00:19Yes, I suppose so.
00:00:21At a cost, of course.
00:00:23How many did we lose in the last offensive?
00:00:25About a hundred, I'm afraid.
00:00:27They took us by surprise.
00:00:28The whole thing was ghastly.
00:00:30Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.
00:00:35Just doing my job.
00:00:37The battle fought here, at the center of all creation.
00:00:41Turned the tide.
00:00:43They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame.
00:00:46And they lost!
00:00:49Better tell the troops the good news, eh?
00:01:18Good news for the
00:01:28I lost it in the last battle.
00:01:31Hello. I'm, uh...
00:01:32General Aziraphale, I know who you are.
00:01:34I saw you on the battlefield.
00:01:36I have a lot of questions,
00:01:38and nobody ever has the answers.
00:01:52It may hurt, but, uh,
00:01:55it'll help to staunch the wound a little.
00:01:58You know, I've spent the war smiting rebel angels.
00:02:02I've never done this before.
00:02:06Should I say thank you?
00:02:09Better not.
00:02:26Thank you for the bandage.
00:02:28Probably best you don't, uh...
00:02:31Don't tell anyone how you got it.
00:02:38Good luck.
00:02:41Good luck.
00:02:43It's a good luck.
00:02:50Good luck.
00:02:54Good luck.
00:02:58Good luck.
00:03:23And well done, everyone, on plan Second Coming.
00:03:29And in addition, I'd like to congratulate Michael and the team on solving the logistics of materializing a full-size
00:03:37plane carrying a human passenger in mid-flight.
00:03:44I'm glad to see you're all as excited as I am. Any updates? Ah, yes, Muriel.
00:03:51You wanted me to tell you when he was awake and incarnate. Well, he is both.
00:03:58Wonderful. And how did he take it?
00:04:00Oh, pretty well. He's a bit... Whoa. I've got a body. What's this about, then? And I'm all... Not really
00:04:08my job. And he's all... I have absolutely no idea what's happening. And I'm all...
00:04:12Everything is set. We have the quite long checklist you gave us, Aziraphale. Nothing will go wrong.
00:04:21The car will meet the plane on the tarmac. The archangel Sandalfon, good fellow, will drive the risen Christ directly
00:04:28to the United Nations, where Uriel and Michael will meet him.
00:04:33Perhaps with a cup of tea. Then Jesus will make his speech to all the nations of the world, in
00:04:39all the tongues of the world, and then joy unbounded, peace on earth, and all that good stuff.
00:04:46Peace on earth.
00:04:47All right. Any questions? No?
00:04:49Good. Right. Let's kick off the second coming.
00:04:56Oh, hello. Um, so I'm pretty sure I am Joshua, uh, son of Joseph.
00:05:04Now, my memory's a bit funny, but, um, the last thing I remember, I was being crucified. You transcended the
00:05:11flesh. But now you're back. New flesh. And we're sending you back to earth to bring about universal happiness.
00:05:18Are you sure you've got the right person?
00:05:20Oh, absolutely certain. You've spent the last couple thousand years as part of the Triune Godhead. But now you've got
00:05:27a mortal body again, so you can talk to humanity, you know. Mortal to mortal.
00:05:32And tell them it's the end times.
00:05:35Well, not quite.
00:05:37Not quite.
00:05:39No, that whole epoch, um, must be old-fashioned. You know, times have changed. I was thinking we might try
00:05:46something a little more upbeat. Oh, look out. Here comes universal happiness.
00:05:51No. End times.
00:05:53Or not. Happiness universal. Joy unbounded, etc.
00:05:59Has this been signed off?
00:06:00Yes, by me. I'm in charge.
00:06:02For now.
00:06:03Sorry?
00:06:04Nothing.
00:06:04Where are the scars?
00:06:06I had good carpenter's hands.
00:06:08Whole new miraculous physical body.
00:06:10You've got to have a body. Otherwise they're all, who said that?
00:06:14You just need to give a speech.
00:06:16Aziraphale has prepared it for you. You will be on every television, every phone, and each person on earth will
00:06:23hear you talking to them in their own language.
00:06:26Miracle.
00:06:26Well, I'm sure it'll be very motivational.
00:06:30I think we need to revisit the end times.
00:06:32No, we don't.
00:06:33And all the smiting we have to do.
00:06:35I'm not really following any of this. Are any of my friends here?
00:06:40Uh, Simon? Or Thomas? I'd quite like to talk to them.
00:06:44It's been a long time.
00:06:45My mom?
00:06:47Thousands of years.
00:06:49All the humans you once knew are, um, dead.
00:06:55Really?
00:06:57Well, what about the angel who visited to give me strength the night before all the, um, the nailing business?
00:07:06Um, Gabriel, I think he said.
00:07:07Oh, did he?
00:07:08Yes. He wasn't a lot of help, to be honest. I mean, he mainly spoke about himself.
00:07:11But, also, um, not in the picture any longer.
00:07:16Well, that must be. Wait, the redhead one. With the, um, with the funny eyes.
00:07:20Oh, he showed me all the cities of the world.
00:07:24Oh, he was one of your lot, too, wasn't he? Um, not human?
00:07:28Yeah, oh, is he still around?
00:07:29Not up here. Or in hell. He's down on earth these days.
00:07:32Not really our kind of person.
00:07:34Oh, wait, no, but he seemed nice.
00:07:36Yes, he has, uh, qualities.
00:07:39Okay, well, I mean, if I've got to go to earth anyway...
00:07:41That won't be appropriate, I'm afraid.
00:07:42Uh, Sandalfon here will be looking after you.
00:07:45Find her.
00:07:53Wait, Mrs. Sandwich?
00:07:55I'm not giving you anything, Crowley!
00:07:57Oh, come on, Mrs. Sandwich. Come on, 150 quid.
00:08:00Tonight, I will finally get it back.
00:08:02Brian won't give up anything. He won fair and square, love.
00:08:04This time will be different.
00:08:08Thank you very much.
00:08:10Oh.
00:08:11Freshly watered.
00:08:13I'll be back.
00:08:17We have a winner, Mr. Crowley.
00:08:18It's just not much nods.
00:08:20When you've designed star systems, blackjacks are normal.
00:08:24Another win?
00:08:25Boom!
00:08:27Oh, my God!
00:08:29Cumberland, that air.
00:08:32Oh!
00:08:36Oh, hello, Misty!
00:08:38Oh.
00:08:39It's so funny, me drunk on your own.
00:08:41Come on.
00:08:42Tell us a funny story about the rivers.
00:08:44Or dolphins.
00:08:46Come on!
00:08:47How much have I won today?
00:08:49About a hundred grand.
00:08:50Ooh!
00:08:52A hundred thousand smackeroonies!
00:08:55That's got to be enough to get Brian out of the back room!
00:08:58You know it never ends well.
00:09:00Take it from me, son.
00:09:02Take the win.
00:09:04Ah!
00:09:05Billy!
00:09:06It's the big B.C.
00:09:08A hundred thousand quid.
00:09:09Come on.
00:09:10That's more than it's ever worth.
00:09:11I want it.
00:09:13This car's mine.
00:09:15I'll toss you for it.
00:09:16Double of nothing.
00:09:16You heard what you said.
00:09:18Customer's always right.
00:09:19I'd stay by, too.
00:09:20Uh, mate.
00:09:21Come here, sir.
00:09:22Yeah.
00:09:22Please, sir.
00:09:24Right, now.
00:09:25You find the lady,
00:09:27and the penalty's yours.
00:09:47That's a shame.
00:09:50Benly's still mine.
00:09:53I've lost worse things than that.
00:09:57Come on.
00:09:57You're a loser, Crowley.
00:10:00You don't even come here to lose.
00:10:02You could have walked out here a very rich man.
00:10:08You're a mug.
00:10:23Were you good?
00:10:29What do you think of the speech?
00:10:31I think it's a bit on the nose.
00:10:35I, um...
00:10:36I like telling stories.
00:10:38Uh, parables, if you will.
00:10:41Which, um, which draw people in...
00:10:42Aziraphale wrote it.
00:10:44It's been market-tested on him.
00:10:50Metatron level.
00:10:55What?
00:10:57What are you doing there?
00:10:59You know you are not allowed up here.
00:11:02Uh, and what are you doing with that?
00:11:05Give it to me!
00:11:06I am the only entity authorized to...
00:11:14I...
00:11:24Stay here.
00:11:31Somebody sounded the alarm.
00:11:33That would have been me.
00:11:35Something's wrong.
00:11:36Metatron's vanished.
00:11:38Vanished?
00:11:40Could he have gone for a walk?
00:11:41He's not in the universe.
00:11:43That's ridiculous.
00:11:44I mean...
00:11:45Along off.
00:11:46The only way the Metatron would be gone from the universe is if...
00:11:48There wasn't a Metatron any longer.
00:11:51If he was dead, you mean?
00:11:52Of course the Metatron's not dead.
00:11:56Sandalphon?
00:11:57Where's Jesus?
00:12:06Earth?
00:12:33Oh, hello. Excuse me.
00:12:35I'm out of cash, mate. Sorry.
00:12:37No, no.
00:12:38Something smells good.
00:12:39I haven't eaten in a long time.
00:12:43Here.
00:12:45Toasted cheese, sarny.
00:12:46You need it more than I do.
00:12:49Mmm.
00:12:52This is really kind of you.
00:12:54You know, Mel's a man who had three sons.
00:12:57Sorry, mate.
00:12:58Food I can do.
00:12:59But I'm not ready after stories.
00:13:02Oh, actually.
00:13:03I'm looking for, um...
00:13:06He has, um...
00:13:07He has red hair and yellow eyes.
00:13:09He knows a lot of things.
00:13:11I think he's an angel?
00:13:14Don't know.
00:13:21Excuse me.
00:13:24Excuse me.
00:13:25I'm sorry to wake you.
00:13:26I'm not asleep.
00:13:27I'm not cold.
00:13:28Oh.
00:13:29Would you like some of my cheese, sarny?
00:13:31Oh, leave me alone.
00:13:35Heartbroken.
00:13:36Worldbroken.
00:13:37It's a point of anything.
00:13:39I wanted to ask you.
00:13:40You showed me all those cities.
00:13:42What should I do now?
00:13:44The thing is.
00:13:44The thing is.
00:13:47The thing is.
00:13:48The thing is, isn't it?
00:13:48What's that saying?
00:13:49You were saying the thing is?
00:13:50That thing of the three cars, isn't it?
00:13:55Always.
00:13:56Find the lady.
00:13:57You learn that.
00:13:58You're set.
00:13:59Find the lady.
00:14:00Love tunnel.
00:14:01Bring the baby.
00:14:02Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
00:14:05Oh, oh, oh.
00:14:06I was looking in the wrong place, didn't I?
00:14:09I'm thinking of the three cars.
00:14:12Find the lady.
00:14:13And if I learn to find the lady with the three cars,
00:14:17that will help me understand my purpose here.
00:14:20You are taking up my valuable passing out wrong time.
00:14:26Be gone.
00:14:27All right.
00:14:28Night-night.
00:14:30Night-night.
00:14:31Night-night.
00:14:35Night-night.
00:14:37It wasn't.
00:14:37The Book of Life is something else entirely.
00:14:41So...
00:14:42where is it?
00:14:43Well, it should be...
00:14:45on that lectern.
00:14:46Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:14:49You can't just walk away.
00:14:51Need to report this.
00:14:52Oh, there is not currently anyone to report to...
00:14:54The Metatron's done a bunk, remember.
00:14:56Indeed.
00:14:57No Metatron.
00:14:57As the former Archangel Sandalfon says.
00:14:59Former Archangel?
00:15:01Unfortunate demotion.
00:15:02Because of losing the Messiah.
00:15:03But you can't...
00:15:04Oh, we can't lose Jesus and the Book of Life at the same time.
00:15:07Two things.
00:15:08No, we've also lost the Metatron.
00:15:10Three things.
00:15:11Oh, dear.
00:15:16Lot on your plate.
00:15:18Balls being dropped.
00:15:22Look, why don't I try to locate the Book of Life with, um, with...
00:15:28Muriel as my investigating angel.
00:15:32And then I can focus on finding Jesus.
00:15:34Yes, yes.
00:15:35Yes, excellent plan.
00:15:38A demotion.
00:15:40He didn't mean it, did he?
00:15:41I'm afraid he did, junior recording angel Sandalfon.
00:15:53Sober him up!
00:15:57Do you think he's dangerous?
00:15:59Not anymore.
00:16:01Well, but somebody prod him.
00:16:04He's pretending he's asleep.
00:16:08I quit, Dagon.
00:16:10Didn't you get the memo?
00:16:16You didn't send a memo.
00:16:19That's because I quit.
00:16:20I'm unquitting you, forthwith.
00:16:25Upstairs has begun Operation Second Coming.
00:16:31Oh, I see.
00:16:34So the end times have begun.
00:16:37Again.
00:16:38Oh, there you go.
00:16:39No, I don't go.
00:16:42They've lost him.
00:16:47You know, the one who starts it all off.
00:16:50Nailed up, boy.
00:16:52Jesus.
00:16:54Jesus.
00:16:57And I'm here because...
00:16:59We need you to find him, Crowley, before they do.
00:17:03Right.
00:17:04You can't even say his name.
00:17:06What do you do if you do find him?
00:17:08A hostage with...
00:17:12Jesus.
00:17:13In our hand, we can attack Heaven.
00:17:17And the war of all wars will reign us down.
00:17:22We'll be living upstairs.
00:17:24And they'll be down here.
00:17:27You understand humans, Crowley.
00:17:31So find him, help us, we'll help you.
00:17:35No.
00:17:37No.
00:17:38Oh, no.
00:17:39No.
00:17:41No.
00:17:43Well, you'll regret this.
00:17:46I'll add it to the list.
00:17:51Well, get him out of here!
00:17:56Are you okay?
00:17:57Uh, yes, of course.
00:18:00I just, um...
00:18:02Well, I need to, uh, sort this out.
00:18:06Now, where to start?
00:18:09Why don't you ask your friend, friend, to help?
00:18:17My...
00:18:18Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't.
00:18:21That's out of the question.
00:18:22He might like to see you, anyway.
00:18:25Last time I saw him, he wasn't in the best way, to be honest.
00:18:30He seemed a bit...
00:18:32lost.
00:18:41Lost.
00:19:06Oh, I never thought I'd see your face here again.
00:19:10I, um...
00:19:11Oh, everyone's gone.
00:19:14Or been bought out.
00:19:16Not me.
00:19:18I stick it out here in Soho like a barnacle to a rock.
00:19:26I, um...
00:19:27Hello.
00:19:29Look, um, my friend, Crowley.
00:19:32Have you seen him?
00:19:34You wouldn't be looking for him unless you needed something.
00:19:38Because you're a taker, you are.
00:19:40You never cared for him.
00:19:41Or Whitby Street.
00:19:42I...
00:19:43I love Whitby Street.
00:19:45Yeah?
00:19:46Well, where were you when it got bad?
00:19:49You know, I never thought he'd be back to gloat.
00:19:56To gloat?
00:19:57What?
00:19:58It's down there.
00:20:13I don't care about it.
00:20:16I don't care about it.
00:20:21You're the only one but it doesn't care about it.
00:20:23I don't care about it.
00:20:24Although I have to do so, I don't care about it for you.
00:20:25I don't care about it.
00:20:26You have to do it.
00:20:30I've, um, please get up.
00:20:34I'm fine down here, thanks.
00:20:39Look, I know you're upset with me.
00:20:41Yeah.
00:20:42But I'm willing to overlook that.
00:20:45Because, well, we have a lot to discuss.
00:20:49I have nothing to say to you.
00:20:53If you're expecting me to do the I was wrong dance,
00:20:55then I'm afraid you'll be waiting rather a long time.
00:20:57Oh, we're way beyond little dances, Angel.
00:21:03Close the door on your way out.
00:21:07But you don't have a door.
00:21:29Oh, my God.
00:21:33Oh, my God.
00:21:36Oh, my God.
00:21:46Oh, my God.
00:22:01You're in a bookshop for centuries.
00:22:05You loved your bookshop, and then you just walked away.
00:22:10What happened here?
00:22:11Well, you tell me.
00:22:13You were always meant to take over the place.
00:22:15They were here for a few weeks, and then closed the door.
00:22:19I needed Miriam.
00:22:20I needed someone to work with me in heaven who was nice.
00:22:25Ah.
00:22:26But that's not what I meant.
00:22:28What I meant was what happened here.
00:22:32I've been gone for years.
00:22:33I mean, the place is a bit dusty, yes.
00:22:37No windows broken.
00:22:40Nothing's been taken.
00:22:41No rodent problem.
00:22:43Hmm?
00:22:44You'd expect rats, wouldn't you?
00:22:46You weren't here.
00:22:49I wasn't going to leave this place as well.
00:22:55Oh.
00:22:58Obviously not.
00:23:00Right.
00:23:02I suppose I should say thank you.
00:23:06Better not.
00:23:07Do you...
00:23:10Do you want an apology from me?
00:23:12Hmm.
00:23:14I was trying to do the right thing.
00:23:16Well, you know what they say about the road to hell.
00:23:19What?
00:23:20Need repaving.
00:23:22Look, Krennic.
00:23:25I've come to help you.
00:23:27Have you?
00:23:27Yes.
00:23:28No, you haven't.
00:23:29This is about Jesus.
00:23:30You were bringing him back and now you've lost him.
00:23:33How do you know that?
00:23:35Live in an alleyway.
00:23:35People tell you things.
00:23:38Well...
00:23:39Yes.
00:23:40I mean...
00:23:41There is that.
00:23:42I need...
00:23:44We found the Antichrist together.
00:23:46You and me.
00:23:47Ancient history.
00:23:47Jesus remembers you, you know.
00:23:49Oh.
00:23:50He was asking after you.
00:23:53He seemed...
00:23:55Well...
00:23:55Very nice.
00:23:57And now, he's out there.
00:24:00On his own.
00:24:02Poor thing.
00:24:04I only hope they don't nail him up again.
00:24:06They wouldn't do that again, surely.
00:24:08Well, they haven't changed much, have they?
00:24:10Heaven is looking for him.
00:24:12Hell will be too.
00:24:13No one can find him.
00:24:15Crowley, this is bigger than you and me.
00:24:18I can't help you.
00:24:19Why not?
00:24:19I don't have a car.
00:24:21Well, then by all means, get your car.
00:24:22Where is it?
00:24:24You lost it?
00:24:25Yes.
00:24:26How?
00:24:28Lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:24:30I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
00:24:31I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:24:34To whom?
00:24:35Brian Cameron.
00:24:37Bri...
00:24:37I've never heard of him.
00:24:38Sounds like an accountant.
00:24:40How on earth could you lose your Bentley to a man named Brian Cameron?
00:24:43He's a gangster.
00:24:45I was still sleeping in my car.
00:24:52I always wanted a classic Bentley.
00:24:54I thought a man who owns a car like that must definitely be up for a little wager,
00:24:58a little gain of skill and chance.
00:25:00I'm not gonna do that.
00:25:01This is my house.
00:25:02Of course I can't, you know, force you to play.
00:25:05But what I could do is set it far to that little bookshop and burn it down to the ground.
00:25:10Right now.
00:25:13Well, it's cause I see you sleeping outside here and I often see you inside.
00:25:18Keeping a cheeky little eye.
00:25:20I'll take the car.
00:25:21I am a businessman, sir.
00:25:22I'm not a common thief.
00:25:24I'm only suggesting we have a little gentleman's game.
00:25:27I've had enough of this.
00:25:30Your miracle account is no longer active.
00:25:33Please go away.
00:25:36My legal department drew this up.
00:25:38You know, just have a little game.
00:25:39You win.
00:25:41I walk away and nothing catches fire.
00:25:44You lose.
00:25:45And I get the Bentley.
00:25:48I'm not a wolf.
00:25:51Just sign there now.
00:25:54So, what's the game?
00:25:56It's my favorite board game, actually.
00:25:58Well, what you gotta do is you gotta own everything and you leave everyone else penniless, crushed and miserable.
00:26:06Sounds like a game only a human could invent.
00:26:09You can be the show.
00:26:16Let's go.
00:26:38Oh, dear.
00:26:40He already mortgage all your property, sir.
00:26:42Conoron wipes you out, doesn't it, really, though?
00:26:45It's still, they say, it's a pretty good game, isn't it?
00:26:49Penniless, crushed, and miserable.
00:26:52What else did you let him get away with it?
00:26:54I mean, a contract to contract.
00:26:56What could I do? Helen cut me off.
00:26:58Miracle's not an option. You were elsewhere.
00:27:00Yes, very well, then.
00:27:03We shall go and get our Bentley back.
00:27:05My Bentley?
00:27:06Of course. And then...
00:27:10And then you'll help me find Jesus.
00:27:15I'll do it myself.
00:27:18Crowley. Crowley. Crowley.
00:27:22I'm so disappointed in you.
00:27:24Trying to steal my car?
00:27:25I'd like my Bentley back.
00:27:27Yeah, but I'd like to play for the Arsenal, but that ain't gonna happen, neither is it, mates.
00:27:30I just need my car.
00:27:32You need teaching a lesson, it's what you need.
00:27:34And I am so gonna enjoy that.
00:27:38Who are you?
00:27:40I'm a retired bookseller.
00:27:43I've come to get my friend back.
00:27:45And our car, his car.
00:27:48You're a friend of his?
00:27:48No, you're not.
00:27:49I rather think I am.
00:27:50I'm rescuing you.
00:27:52And liberating our Bentley.
00:27:53Yeah, well, bollocks you are.
00:27:54It's my car.
00:27:55I want it Ferris Square, so you could just, you know, like, goodbye.
00:27:57Rather excited to meet you, actually, Mr. Brian Cameron.
00:28:02From what I hear,
00:28:03you're the second best player of games of skill and chance in all of London.
00:28:06Well done.
00:28:08Second, you say?
00:28:09Well, of course.
00:28:11After me.
00:28:14Perfect.
00:28:17Misty, my love.
00:28:19Break out the board games.
00:28:20I'm afraid not.
00:28:22According to your very own rules, as the challenger, I get to choose.
00:28:26You are.
00:28:29Competitive crossword solving.
00:28:30It's not even a game, is it?
00:28:31First one to finish correctly gets the Bentley.
00:28:35Dad, be careful now.
00:28:36Yeah, listen, I can fill in a crossword, all right?
00:28:39But I can, uh, ask people for help.
00:28:42I can call them for help if I need it.
00:28:44Right.
00:28:44I can collaborate.
00:28:45Oh, seek as much assistance as you require.
00:28:48Going on.
00:28:49One across nine letters.
00:28:51The measured tread of the saints around the dome of St. Peter's.
00:28:54How appropriate.
00:28:56Well, it's too ridiculous.
00:28:57In this case, the word round tells you to look with one word inside another,
00:29:01giving us the opening word.
00:29:03Computer.
00:29:04Billy.
00:29:05Billy, yes, mate, yes.
00:29:06I need the solution for today's cryptic crossword.
00:29:08I need him right now.
00:29:10He's got to be on the web.
00:29:11Someone do not, do not, a search or something.
00:29:14Yeah, well, then find the bloke that wrote the crossword and threaten him.
00:29:17Tell him we're going to kill his husband or his dog or something like that.
00:29:21Finish.
00:29:23What?
00:29:27No, no, no, no.
00:29:28You could have written anything down.
00:29:31What's ten down?
00:29:34Miss Desmond Levitates, for David's spacey song refers to Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard
00:29:40and can be rephrased as Norma Flies, which is an anagram of the David Bowie song
00:29:45Life on Mars.
00:29:49I'll take the car and my friend.
00:29:55I'm going to have mine.
00:29:57Brian, Brian.
00:29:58I did give you a chance.
00:29:59You really mustn't get angry, you know.
00:30:05Shut up.
00:30:06Brian.
00:30:06We need to get a wiggle on.
00:30:08You're a fool.
00:30:08Can't you lie?
00:30:09It's so hard.
00:30:10Dad, sit down.
00:30:12Sit down.
00:30:12Sit down.
00:30:14I'm an ambulance.
00:30:15Ow!
00:30:27I suppose you're feeling quite pleased with yourself right now, aren't you?
00:30:30You're cool.
00:30:32It's a deal, it's a deal.
00:30:35Brian, let's get us over with.
00:30:36So where is Jesus?
00:30:38I don't know.
00:30:40You don't know?
00:30:41No.
00:30:42Otherwise, I wouldn't need to find him, would I?
00:30:44And I wouldn't need him.
00:30:45You wouldn't need me, right.
00:30:46Nice.
00:30:47Gotcha.
00:30:49Seriously, no idea.
00:30:52That's quite big, you know?
00:30:53Yes, I'm aware of that.
00:30:54What are you going to do?
00:30:55Ring a bell?
00:30:56Leave out snacks?
00:30:57Hang signs on lampposts saying
00:30:59Missing Messiah can offer small reward?
00:31:00No, look, I don't know.
00:31:09So, do you have any idea
00:31:11where the Book of Life might be?
00:31:14No.
00:31:15Afraid no.
00:31:17Sorry.
00:31:18Of course I don't.
00:31:20That's a shame.
00:31:22Or then, any idea how we can have got
00:31:26to wherever it is
00:31:27that we don't know where that even is?
00:31:34Excellent question, then.
00:31:43I need to find a lady.
00:31:45Oh.
00:31:47Well, once upon a time, my love.
00:31:49I could have seen you well sorted.
00:31:51But it's all open and internet now, isn't it?
00:31:55Um, just sit anywhere.
00:32:04Who are you?
00:32:06Jehoshua.
00:32:06Bless you.
00:32:08Bless you.
00:32:10Harry Frisch, mate.
00:32:12Or Harry the Fish, as was
00:32:14back when me name meant anything.
00:32:17Then I will call you Harry the Fish.
00:32:19You were a fisher of?
00:32:23What do you do with those cards?
00:32:25For I've been told to find a lady.
00:32:27Find a lady?
00:32:28Oh, I did used to work the Monty, sure.
00:32:32With a team of guys.
00:32:34I'll miss them.
00:32:37I had friends.
00:32:39A team.
00:32:41Twelve friends.
00:32:42I'm solo now.
00:32:44No more Monty, just me.
00:32:46You've got an honest face.
00:32:49You have a beautiful face, Harry.
00:32:52But one filled with pain.
00:32:54So how do I find the lady?
00:33:00Find the lady.
00:33:01You know, find the lady, find the gravy.
00:33:04Here she is, there she goes.
00:33:05Where she ends up, nobody knows.
00:33:12What will you teach me?
00:33:20How about some music?
00:33:23Maybe a little Tom Tom garage?
00:33:26Or some riprap?
00:33:28Or a go-go?
00:33:29You have absolutely no idea what any of that means.
00:33:31Yes, I do.
00:33:32They're all types of bebop.
00:33:34Stop flustering me.
00:33:35I can't, I can't think straight.
00:33:37Things have been really very complicated for me at the moment, you know?
00:33:40Yeah, you've lost Jesus and bollocks on the second coming.
00:33:42Doesn't get much more complicated than that.
00:33:44And we may have lost the book of life.
00:33:48You've lost it?
00:33:49Well, it does seem to be evading us rather successfully for the moment.
00:33:53Unbelievable.
00:33:55You leave me to go back to Sword Art and Heaven.
00:33:57You've made it into more of a mess than it was already.
00:33:58I had a chance to make a real difference.
00:34:00Well, you still don't get it, do you?
00:34:01You can't change anything.
00:34:04It's all rigged.
00:34:05The entire universe.
00:34:06But I have to try at least.
00:34:07Can't you see that?
00:34:09I don't want an awful, judgy, second coming with those scary horses and half the world being smited.
00:34:16If I'm the boss...
00:34:17Right, you're not.
00:34:18And you never will be.
00:34:19There's always someone above you stuck in the deck.
00:34:20Well, not now there isn't.
00:34:22The Metatron's disappeared too.
00:34:25Oh, superb.
00:34:27Mr. Big Giant Floatyhead bought you a lovely coffee himself as Danarana.
00:34:30Oh.
00:34:32You could have avoided all this.
00:34:35We could have Danarana ourselves.
00:34:36I asked you to come with me.
00:34:38We could be drinking cocktails on Alpha Centauri.
00:34:40This could be someone else's problem.
00:34:41How could we have been happy there, knowing that we were leaving all these people to goodness knows what awfulness?
00:34:47Second coming.
00:34:48Apocalypse.
00:34:49The end of everything on Earth as it is on Alpha Centauri.
00:34:53I could stop all that.
00:34:54I just wanted to save everything.
00:34:56And so that everybody could have a chance, including us.
00:35:02And how's that working out?
00:35:10Don't look around.
00:35:11Keep walking.
00:35:12We're just coincidentally walking in the same direction.
00:35:15Okay.
00:35:16I may know something.
00:35:18What?
00:35:18Face forward.
00:35:19If I tell you, I want to be reinstated as an archangel.
00:35:22I don't have that power.
00:35:23Not yet, you don't.
00:35:24Meet me in the corridor in the space between.
00:35:26They won't be looking there.
00:35:43Muriel, is that you?
00:35:49Muriel, is that you?
00:36:02Muriel, what are you doing here?
00:36:04This area has been closed off.
00:36:06I was here to meet Sandorfer.
00:36:09Ah, Muriel.
00:36:29Why are you stopping?
00:36:31Oh, no, no.
00:36:31We can't park here.
00:36:32They'll be looking for the Bentley.
00:36:34They don't have to see it, do they?
00:36:37Oh.
00:36:40Really?
00:36:43We know Jesus is on earth, but it's a big place.
00:36:46He could be anywhere.
00:36:47Well, he likes deserts.
00:36:49Or he used to.
00:36:50Spent 40 days in one back when I knew.
00:36:57But he can't be.
00:36:59Well, obviously.
00:37:01No.
00:37:02No.
00:37:05I understand.
00:37:06That was Sir Aquil.
00:37:07It appears that Sandalfon has...
00:37:10Also vanished.
00:37:11Sir Aquil thinks he's been murdered.
00:37:14I need to get back to heaven.
00:37:15You'll just have to begin the hunt for Jesus here yourself.
00:37:17No, no, no.
00:37:17I'm coming with you.
00:37:18To heaven?
00:37:19You most certainly are not.
00:37:20You clearly can't do this on your own.
00:37:21Come on.
00:37:26Muriel.
00:37:27What are you doing in here?
00:37:29Well, I've prepared a report on Sandalfon's murder.
00:37:34What's he doing here?
00:37:36Well, he's backup.
00:37:38Two heads, better than one.
00:37:40He's a demon.
00:37:41Former.
00:37:42Former demon.
00:37:43Now just a private individual.
00:37:47So, Sandalfon vanishes.
00:37:49He said he had things to tell me.
00:37:51I think it was about the Metatron and the Book of Life.
00:37:54You think?
00:37:55So no actual information, then?
00:37:57Well, perhaps she needs some help.
00:37:59Muriel.
00:38:00Muriel is perfect for the job.
00:38:03Your assistance is not required.
00:38:05Your infinite holiness.
00:38:07I would like to register a complaint.
00:38:10This person should not be allowed in heaven.
00:38:13A complaint duly noted and registered.
00:38:17Will it make a difference?
00:38:20Oh, no.
00:38:23So, the Book of Life, wouldn't the archive monitor show who took it?
00:38:26Of course I thought to check the archive.
00:38:29Look.
00:38:31One moment, it's here.
00:38:33Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:38:35The next, it's not.
00:38:37So, the moment of theft has been edited out?
00:38:41Not edited.
00:38:42It just goes.
00:38:43I looked for fingerprints through a magnifying glass and footprints.
00:38:47So, if the archive wasn't edited, what if reality was?
00:38:52That's perfectly impossible.
00:38:54By the Book of Life itself, you mean?
00:38:57That's pretty.
00:38:58Simply remove the moment the book was taken from the book itself.
00:39:01Reality adjusts to conform.
00:39:02You can't just remove things from reality.
00:39:05Well, hang around for a while, sure.
00:39:06While reality catches up.
00:39:07But then...
00:39:11I'll bet you that's what's happened to the Metatron.
00:39:13Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.
00:39:39Sorry, are we talking about the same angels?
00:39:41I think you should return to hell and find out everything you can.
00:39:45They know me.
00:39:46I'm not going back.
00:39:47They know you.
00:39:48But they don't know me.
00:39:50I could ask around.
00:39:52Take a look.
00:39:53You are not a demon.
00:39:55They found an undocumented angel wandering around hell.
00:39:58They...
00:39:59I'll kill you just for starters.
00:40:00You forget.
00:40:01I'm a master of disguise.
00:40:03No, you're not.
00:40:04That's something rather good.
00:40:07Are you sure they won't recognize me?
00:40:12Pretty sure.
00:40:16Yes, sir.
00:40:18My lord, Archduke, Slauch the Vile, master of the secret torments, is here to see Lord Dengon.
00:40:27I don't have anything in the calendar.
00:40:29He has come directly from downstairs.
00:40:33We are downstairs.
00:40:34All the way downstairs.
00:40:46An emissary from all the way downstairs is here.
00:40:51Downstairs?
00:40:53What, now?
00:40:54They're meant to let us know.
00:40:56I don't believe Lord Satan is under any obligation to do anything to make things easier for you, Dengon.
00:41:06Right.
00:41:08Yes.
00:41:09Sorry.
00:41:10No.
00:41:14Have we met?
00:41:16I don't do a lot of mingling.
00:41:19No.
00:41:20No, Lord Satan keeps me very busy with all the, you know, secrets, torments and that.
00:41:28Yes, of course.
00:41:28We are here because of the turmoil upstairs.
00:41:35Your reports on the matter have been disappointing.
00:41:43So, I came to investigate personally.
00:41:50The, the second coming?
00:41:54They lost him, didn't they?
00:41:56Yes.
00:41:57But I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.
00:42:01Unless, we know where he is.
00:42:06Nothing yet.
00:42:08No, no, no.
00:42:10But I'm here, on the other matter.
00:42:14Other matter?
00:42:16Upstairs.
00:42:17A murder.
00:42:19A disappearance.
00:42:21The Book of Life.
00:42:24Missing.
00:42:26Don't say you haven't heard anything!
00:42:29We just know what we put in the report.
00:42:30The Metatron and a couple of Archangels removed from the Book of Life.
00:42:34Thus, they'll vanish off.
00:42:36That's all we know.
00:42:38If someone is holding out from the even further downstairs.
00:42:46We didn't even know the Book was missing.
00:42:48Our secret sauce on the top floor.
00:42:50Just let it slip.
00:42:56Well, I will, uh, let his infernal darkness know how helpful you've both been.
00:43:04That's, that's good, isn't it?
00:43:06Isn't it?
00:43:11Let's hope so.
00:43:21It's a dance, Josh.
00:43:22Find the rhythm.
00:43:27The trick is never to think of it as a trick.
00:43:30The cards want to be manipulated.
00:43:34A bit like people, really.
00:43:36Even me.
00:43:38Wait a minute, I remember this.
00:43:40Remember what?
00:43:42Somebody's all at a loss, and then I say something that helps.
00:43:46Go on, then.
00:43:48Well?
00:43:49Well, for I say to you this.
00:43:51If a man has a boat, then he has the ability to fish.
00:43:55Well, just as...
00:43:55Has he got a net?
00:43:56What?
00:43:57The bloke with a boat.
00:43:58He'd need a net.
00:43:59Or a rod.
00:43:59I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?
00:44:02No, I may be a bit rusty.
00:44:04I mean, it's been a few centuries.
00:44:06Wait, okay.
00:44:08There was a widow who had three sons, and the first son was a fisherman.
00:44:13Are all these stories about fishing?
00:44:15I mean, no, hurry.
00:44:25Find the lady.
00:44:39Oh, I didn't see a thing.
00:44:44You know, maybe the card's life isn't something you want to be involved in.
00:44:47No.
00:44:48It's the right thing to do.
00:44:51It's a way to reach out to people.
00:44:53I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.
00:44:55It's people finding peace and love and happiness.
00:44:59Happiness?
00:45:00Let me tell you something, Josh.
00:45:02Life, this life, blinds you to what matters, right?
00:45:06I had kids, you know.
00:45:09Missed them growing up, didn't I?
00:45:10Because I was too bloody busy working the cards.
00:45:21Let's give it a go, shall we?
00:45:24I've ordered enormous vans of dim sum for you.
00:45:26That's a bottle of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape for 1988.
00:45:28You know, I'm not going to eat.
00:45:31I'm not that angel any longer.
00:45:33No, it's my job to set an example for all the other angels.
00:45:36I'm making choices.
00:45:40Good, upstanding choices.
00:45:43Right.
00:45:44Does that include choosing heaven instead of me?
00:45:48I chose heaven because of you.
00:45:52You showed me what it meant to be brave.
00:45:54And to make a difference.
00:45:55To stand up for what I believed in.
00:45:57Did I?
00:45:58Yes.
00:45:59You told me that heaven wasn't on anybody's side.
00:46:02And I realized I could change that.
00:46:05I could make it on everybody's side.
00:46:07In what way?
00:46:09Well, for a start,
00:46:11Jesus was meant to be sent here to end it all.
00:46:14To end everything.
00:46:15Oh, yes, then.
00:46:16And, well, I did eventually persuade upstairs
00:46:19that the second coming didn't have to be Armageddon.
00:46:22It could be a second chance to get things right.
00:46:24You know, to make things better.
00:46:26To inspire the humans to be, you know, nicer.
00:46:31What did God say to that?
00:46:32Well, she didn't tell me to stop.
00:46:36Oh.
00:46:38Oh.
00:46:41He, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know.
00:46:44Jesus.
00:46:44He even remembered your kingdoms of the world routine.
00:46:48Oh, did he?
00:46:49He was nice.
00:46:52Oh.
00:46:52What?
00:46:54Oh.
00:46:56He was here.
00:46:58Light of the world.
00:47:00Mary's bloody boy child.
00:47:01He was here.
00:47:02In Soho.
00:47:04In Soho.
00:47:04Ah.
00:47:04That was him.
00:47:05I talked to him.
00:47:05On one noses this whole time.
00:47:07And you didn't recognize him.
00:47:08Now, before you get all judgy, in my defense, I was astonishingly drunk.
00:47:12Well, that's hardly an actual...
00:47:14No, no, I won't do that.
00:47:15No, this is good news.
00:47:16It means he can't be far.
00:47:17Yeah, I've certainly narrowed down the scope of the search.
00:47:19Way fewer temples.
00:47:21Deserts.
00:47:22What about hell?
00:47:23Any clues?
00:47:24I don't think they had a clue about anything, to be honest.
00:47:26In fact, I'm even realizing that some of their information was off.
00:47:32How so?
00:47:33Well, their sources told them that the Metatron and two archangels had been murdered using
00:47:38the Book of Life.
00:47:39And?
00:47:40Only one archangel has been murdered.
00:47:42Sandalfon.
00:47:43So what they were told is wrong.
00:47:47Unless...
00:47:48What they heard was not what had already happened.
00:47:52What a plan.
00:47:54Why would anybody tell them their plan?
00:47:56Of course, they're a bit deranged.
00:47:59The Wrong Hand's the Book of Life has the power to drive anyone mad.
00:48:02We're not built to cope with pasts, presents, and futures that don't match up.
00:48:06Kind, stops meaning anything.
00:48:10Constantly unhappening bits of reality could make someone lose track of what will be true,
00:48:16but isn't true yet.
00:48:18Exactly.
00:48:20And if it's not someone from hell who has the plan, then...
00:48:24Then...
00:48:26Oh, no.
00:48:30Oh.
00:48:38I really have missed food.
00:48:41So, I think the next step...
00:48:42The next step is you sitting back down.
00:48:44Hello, Misty.
00:48:46Everything okay?
00:48:48My dad's in intensive care.
00:48:50You know, the toughest bloke in all of London, and you two could have killed him.
00:48:54I don't think we did.
00:48:55He won your car fair and square.
00:48:57Just as my friend wanted fair and square back from him.
00:48:59You said they stole it.
00:49:00Yeah.
00:49:00Not at all.
00:49:01We signed a contract.
00:49:02And then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.
00:49:04Oh.
00:49:05That is a tough one.
00:49:06Misty, your dad is in hospital because of anger management issues and a dodgy heart valve.
00:49:10Shut it!
00:49:12You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop,
00:49:14and you're going to watch us burn it down.
00:49:17I think I solved it!
00:49:18What are you supposed to be?
00:49:20The case.
00:49:21Michael chose me to investigate the book's disappearance,
00:49:23and I've been investigating,
00:49:26and then I thought,
00:49:27What is this?
00:49:27I'm really enthusiastic,
00:49:29and I've read a lot of human detective books,
00:49:32and I'm nice.
00:49:33Kind of in the middle of something, yeah?
00:49:34But I'm only the perfect person for the job
00:49:37if you don't want the real answer.
00:49:39I'm the useful idiot!
00:49:41And then I thought,
00:49:42Oh my heavens, I know who did it!
00:49:44I made a deduction!
00:49:46A proper one.
00:49:47You worked out that Michael's the one that's been doing this?
00:49:49Yes.
00:49:49Um, I worked out that my...
00:49:52Oh, you knew?
00:49:53Yeah.
00:49:54Look, can we please focus on the threats of extreme violence?
00:49:57We worked it out over dimsorn.
00:49:58Hell knew what was happening or about to happen before we did.
00:50:01Michael's the one that talks to Hell,
00:50:02Swayza was being backchannel, so...
00:50:04Yeah.
00:50:05But your deduction really was excellent.
00:50:07What's that you getting?
00:50:09Bookshop?
00:50:10Burn!
00:50:10Burn the bookshop!
00:50:12Hell is not marked!
00:50:14How about some gentle ribbing?
00:50:15Oh, for...
00:50:16Who the hell are you?
00:50:17You are not Lord Slorch.
00:50:18His vileness was elsewhere,
00:50:19inventing new torments.
00:50:21Your presence was a violation
00:50:22of preternatural diplomacy.
00:50:24This means war, doesn't everything?
00:50:27Hello again.
00:50:28Oh.
00:50:29Hello.
00:50:30You're most certainly in trouble too.
00:50:32Quiet!
00:50:34What are you standing around for?
00:50:36Break something?
00:50:37Lots of things!
00:50:38To be fair, Misty,
00:50:39Brian's cardiologist was always suggesting yoga and mindfulness.
00:50:43Change of diet,
00:50:44getting away from thinking about work.
00:50:45Shut up and start hurting people.
00:50:48Never really solves anything, though, doing that, does it?
00:50:50No.
00:50:51And you know,
00:50:52you can love your father without having to be like him.
00:50:56Perhaps there'll be a miracle
00:50:57and he'll pull through,
00:50:58not that he deserves it.
00:51:01You should be at his side.
00:51:06I have no idea who that lady was.
00:51:08She's right.
00:51:09There must be hurting and burning.
00:51:12Hell is not mocked.
00:51:16Missing Messiah is one thing.
00:51:17Book of Life in the wrong hands is quite another.
00:51:19It's potentially the end of everything.
00:51:21Finding Mightly, there's there.
00:51:29Hello, Uriel.
00:51:31You looking for me?
00:51:33I need to speak to Aziraphale.
00:51:34Oh, if you mean the Supreme Archangel,
00:51:37you can talk to me.
00:51:38Aziraphale has, um,
00:51:40other plans.
00:51:41Wait, Supreme,
00:51:42you're not in charge.
00:51:43Well, strictly speaking,
00:51:45I have other plans for him,
00:51:46but, you know,
00:51:47potato, potato.
00:51:49I have a plan for everything.
00:51:51Well, it's more of a checklist.
00:51:54Quite long.
00:51:55But, uh,
00:51:56just the one item for Aziraphale.
00:52:00Not existing anymore.
00:52:03The Metatron.
00:52:05Sound of fun.
00:52:06I undid them all.
00:52:09Why?
00:52:11Oh.
00:52:13I don't know.
00:52:15Maybe the literal infinity of grinding slog.
00:52:20Carrying out the idiotic plans of Archangels,
00:52:23too vain or too nice to get the job done.
00:52:26I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.
00:52:31The second coming must be done properly.
00:52:33As it was foretold.
00:52:35But that means...
00:52:36Yeah!
00:52:37It means destruction!
00:52:39It's my go this time!
00:52:42And it's gonna be a clean slate.
00:52:43Very, very clean.
00:52:58Would you like to know how I did it?
00:53:00Would you?
00:53:02It's remarkably easy.
00:53:07I did it like...
00:53:13Do you know what's gonna happen to you now, Uriel?
00:53:15No, I...
00:53:17Nothing.
00:53:18Nothing's gonna happen to you.
00:53:20All the nothing in the world.
00:53:26Oh, look!
00:53:27Look!
00:53:28It's happening right now!
00:53:34Oh!
00:53:35Oh!
00:53:36Oh!
00:53:36Oh!
00:53:37Oh!
00:53:38Oh!
00:53:38Oh!
00:53:39Oh!
00:53:51Uriel's gone.
00:53:52Gone?
00:53:52Gone where?
00:53:53Gone, gone.
00:53:53Murdered, I expect.
00:53:55There's your second death, bingo.
00:53:56We worked out who did it.
00:53:58Michael.
00:53:59How did you know?
00:54:00Because you're too dim.
00:54:02He's too nice.
00:54:03And I'm confident that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.
00:54:07Meanwhile.
00:54:09Things are just disappearing.
00:54:11Pop, pop, pop.
00:54:15And Canada.
00:54:17We've just lost Canada.
00:54:18Michael's destroying the Book of Life.
00:54:20No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:54:22It's impossible.
00:54:22We'll let you destroy it.
00:54:23A few pages here and they're fine, but no, no, no, no.
00:54:25It's too well made.
00:54:27Where is Michael now?
00:54:28Not on Earth, not in Heaven.
00:54:31Your guess is as good as mine.
00:54:33If the Book of Life can't be destroyed here, where can it be destroyed?
00:54:37There isn't anywhere.
00:54:39Yes, there is.
00:54:40We all fought for control during the Great War.
00:54:42My side lost.
00:54:43The Eternal Flame now.
00:54:45That would do it.
00:54:47Michael must have used the Book itself to travel to the center of the universe.
00:54:51That's the only way of getting there.
00:54:52That is where you are very wrong.
00:54:54Angel, time to go.
00:54:56You two, keep it all together.
00:54:57Earth, do everything you can.
00:54:59Yes, please do.
00:55:00You've always been so good at that.
00:55:02Worked so hard.
00:55:13Australia.
00:55:14What good's in Australia anyway?
00:55:16It's just stuff, people, boomerangs, big, bouncing rats.
00:55:31Wasn't that?
00:55:32Found him!
00:55:33And I found the lady.
00:55:34And I found my mission, too.
00:55:35We really should be going.
00:55:36It's to reach out to people and do that without reaching out and make them feel well until the very
00:55:42end, which hopefully won't happen.
00:55:47Come on, mate.
00:55:48Let's get started.
00:55:52How fast did you say this goes?
00:55:54What on earth?
00:55:54About 150 out there.
00:55:56A whole lot faster than light.
00:55:58A superstar moving through the sky
00:56:01Like a tiger
00:56:02That's buying the lords of the brother of the team
00:56:05A racing car
00:56:07Passing by
00:56:08Like Lady Godiva
00:56:09I'm going
00:56:10Oh, oh, oh
00:56:12There's no stopping me
00:56:14I'm running through
00:56:17Oye, oye
00:56:18Step right up
00:56:19And no mistake
00:56:20Easiest money you'll ever make
00:56:22Come on, get around
00:56:23Gotta say something as well
00:56:24You know, a bit of patter
00:56:25Uh, come to me
00:56:27All of you
00:56:27Who are weary
00:56:29And I will give you rest
00:56:32Come to me
00:56:33If you are hurt
00:56:34Or lonely
00:56:36Bit dark, maybe
00:56:38Looking back
00:56:39I have a feeling
00:56:40That this is precisely
00:56:41The sort of thing
00:56:42That got me in trouble
00:56:42The last time
00:56:43I'm with you this time
00:56:45Don't worry
00:56:45Speak to him
00:56:49I only wanted to put my foot all the way down
00:56:53I'm shouting at the speed of light
00:56:55I'm shouting at the speed of light
00:56:56I'm shouting at the speed of light
00:56:59I'm shouting at the speed of light
00:57:05Super sonic
00:57:05Oh, there goes off of Centauri
00:57:12No cocktails now, that's...
00:57:15Hang on, Angel!
00:57:36Come to me, all ye. I have a gift for you.
00:57:39Did he just say, all ye?
00:57:40Have some elaborate bread and cheese.
00:57:46Is there any more of that?
00:57:49You know, Mark, there was an accident.
00:57:51He mixed up the pill bottles.
00:57:54I always wondered.
00:57:56Loved him so much.
00:57:58I'll have a slice, love.
00:58:01Your sister in Bridlington...
00:58:03Hang on, how...?
00:58:04She wants you to come home.
00:58:05Yeah?
00:58:07Well, she said I brought shame on family, so...
00:58:09Well, she's too proud to apologize.
00:58:11And your mum's ill.
00:58:15Blessed are the lonely and the hungry.
00:58:18Come to me, those who are lost.
00:58:21For you shall find your way home.
00:58:26Please take a piece. There's plenty for all.
00:58:29And blessed are you, above all men, Harry the fish.
00:58:35For you've taught me the way of the three cards.
00:58:39You're like a son I never had, Josh.
00:58:42I mean, I did have a son and he doesn't speak to me,
00:58:44but if he did, I couldn't be more chuffed.
00:58:48Not only have they lost now, boy,
00:58:50they've broken my locks fighting down here.
00:58:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:58:56Now that Heaven's lost its stupid second coming,
00:58:59it's all gone, moon and barrel, popcorn.
00:59:03Oh, they're the bad guys now.
00:59:06No.
00:59:07No, it's our time.
00:59:10Isn't this pretty much what you said last time?
00:59:13But now it will finally be me
00:59:16and the front of our army
00:59:18marching into heaven and jump.
00:59:28I'll be dead.
00:59:44Your soul is important to us.
00:59:46Please, hope.
00:59:51You know, you went completely dead.
00:59:55Oh, I was.
01:00:04This doesn't feel like universal happiness.
01:00:07Does anyone know what's happening?
01:00:08My phone's dead.
01:00:10Where is anyone?
01:00:14Where did he go?
01:00:17But I'm coming back to Brooklyn's.
01:00:21You are a joy bringer, Josh.
01:00:23And I wanted to tell you that I...
01:00:31Well, this is it, I suppose.
01:00:35Into your hands I commit my spirit.
01:00:39Again.
01:00:41I never really seem to get much of a go.
01:00:53Hello, Michael.
01:00:55Do you want to talk about this?
01:00:57I don't really feel like talking, thank you very much.
01:01:00I've got a lot to do.
01:01:01I'm burning it all.
01:01:05Air fryers.
01:01:06I'm the only one who knows there ever were air fryers.
01:01:09You poor thing.
01:01:11You must be so tired.
01:01:14Last time?
01:01:15Well, you've been doing everything, haven't you?
01:01:17So long.
01:01:19And no one ever said thank you, did they?
01:01:23Not once.
01:01:24Ever.
01:01:26You must have got so tired being overlooked.
01:01:29Not being appreciated.
01:01:32For thousands of years.
01:01:34Somebody had to make things work.
01:01:37Oh.
01:01:38And you were so good at that.
01:01:40So capable.
01:01:40I was.
01:01:41I was.
01:01:41And they were so stupid.
01:01:45You were Aziraphale and Gabriel and the Metatron.
01:01:50Do you remember the Metatron?
01:01:52He's here somewhere, I think.
01:01:54Oh yes, I'm here.
01:01:56You still know I existed, Michael.
01:02:01Be quiet.
01:02:03Be quiet.
01:02:04Quiet, right?
01:02:05We don't have to listen to you.
01:02:08You killed us.
01:02:11I'm the only one who remembers.
01:02:15I remember everything.
01:02:17Strands.
01:02:18All the possibilities.
01:02:20Everything that happened.
01:02:23Everything that didn't.
01:02:25I remember it all.
01:02:26It's all in my head.
01:02:28Oh, it hurts.
01:02:32Oh.
01:02:35It's over.
01:02:39The Metatron did it first.
01:02:41He used to just...
01:02:43He used to just fiddle with things in the book.
01:02:45Get them how he wanted them.
01:02:47And I thought maybe I could do that.
01:02:48Maybe I...
01:02:49I...
01:02:50I'm the only angel who can make the original plan work.
01:02:54The great plan.
01:02:56I...
01:02:56I do understand.
01:02:59I just wanted to fix things.
01:03:02Yes, me too.
01:03:05But through love.
01:03:07And hope.
01:03:10Michael.
01:03:11What?
01:03:11There is only ever one way.
01:03:14To fix things.
01:03:17And I'm...
01:03:18Going to do that now.
01:03:20What?
01:03:21What are you gonna do?
01:03:23I'm going to forgive you.
01:03:27You...
01:03:28You can forgive me.
01:03:34I...
01:03:35I can't.
01:03:38I can't.
01:03:44To the hands, quickly.
01:04:08Open.
01:04:11Someone might want to buy a book.
01:04:14As far as I can tell...
01:04:16The entirety of creation...
01:04:18Is us in this bookshop.
01:04:21I don't think you're gonna get many customers.
01:04:26Broly.
01:04:27Before anything else happens...
01:04:30There is one more thing that needs fixing.
01:04:33What?
01:04:35I need you to forgive me.
01:04:37Oh, come on, Angel.
01:04:38I need to hear you say it.
01:04:42Please, Crowley.
01:04:47You were right.
01:04:48No, no, no.
01:04:48Don't do that dance.
01:04:50Well?
01:04:52I forgive you.
01:04:53I didn't...
01:04:54I forgive you.
01:05:02Well, it's just us.
01:05:06In the whole of everything.
01:05:10It's a place for us.
01:05:12We've got nothing.
01:05:15We've got each other.
01:05:17And we've probably got some cocoa.
01:05:20And we've got lots of books.
01:05:22Have we?
01:05:26Good luck reading these.
01:05:28But that's...
01:05:34Even the Dickens.
01:05:38Well, if it's all come down to this, then there must be some sort of answer here, finally, to everything.
01:05:46Oh, yeah.
01:05:47100,000 blank books, but one with all the answers in them.
01:05:50Doesn't sound very likely, does it?
01:06:01Can I...
01:06:02Can I help you?
01:06:04I'm afraid all the books appear to be blank.
01:06:07Even the Dickens.
01:06:09I know you.
01:06:12You do.
01:06:13Yes.
01:06:14Yes, but there is something familiar about you.
01:06:19Last time you saw me, I was a thousand feet high.
01:06:22Bright red.
01:06:24Lots of horns and fabulous teeth.
01:06:26Arguing with my son.
01:06:27Satan.
01:06:29You're Satan.
01:06:30That's really just a job title.
01:06:33It means the adversary.
01:06:35And I don't know if I still have a job.
01:06:38But yes.
01:06:39I was the Satan for a very long time.
01:06:44Hello, Crowley.
01:06:46How are you still here?
01:06:47Is that any way to greet an old friend?
01:06:49Oh, we were never friends.
01:06:51I want answers, and I want them now.
01:06:54I don't give answers.
01:06:56And God definitely doesn't.
01:06:58So, you're the devil.
01:07:02Can't have been much fun for you.
01:07:06Fun?
01:07:08It's not about having fun.
01:07:10It's about pride and honor.
01:07:12It's about refusing to acknowledge humans as superior.
01:07:15It's about challenging God.
01:07:17Yeah, but you never really did, did you?
01:07:19Excuse me?
01:07:21The Great Revolt? The War in Heaven?
01:07:23What was that then, eh?
01:07:24Two-week holiday in Marbella?
01:07:26You knew what we didn't know, didn't you?
01:07:28You knew we couldn't win.
01:07:30You were never gonna win, were you?
01:07:32That wasn't the plan.
01:07:33I didn't know that.
01:07:34I thought we had a chance, and so did you.
01:07:37That's why you joined up.
01:07:38Oh, I don't remember why I joined you no anymore.
01:07:41I was tired, and I was angry.
01:07:44I wanted it all to make sense.
01:07:45And you seemed to care.
01:07:47I did care.
01:07:49Nah.
01:07:51You were just doing your job.
01:07:55Do you have a pen?
01:08:02What kind of pen do you need?
01:08:09Pass me a book.
01:08:10Which book?
01:08:12Well, it doesn't matter, the whole blank.
01:08:14Whichever one you give is the right one.
01:08:16Bleak House.
01:08:22But that isn't the Book of Life.
01:08:25It is if we say it is.
01:08:28What are you two idiots doing now?
01:08:30I want answers.
01:08:32No.
01:08:34You can't do that.
01:08:35Oh, yes we can.
01:08:39Do you want to write it?
01:08:41Give me the pen.
01:08:48There were four of them in that bookshop.
01:08:52Which was the whole world.
01:08:54An angel.
01:08:55A former demon.
01:08:58The devil himself.
01:09:00And one other.
01:09:01One who was there.
01:09:03Because they were omnipresent.
01:09:06They had always been there.
01:09:09They would.
01:09:11Always.
01:09:12Be there.
01:09:17As you say, Aziraphale.
01:09:19You didn't really need to summon me.
01:09:21I was already here.
01:09:22Yes, you can be everywhere, but...
01:09:25that doesn't mean...
01:09:27you'll talk to us, Lord.
01:09:30So, Crowley, what's your question?
01:09:32I thought you didn't answer questions.
01:09:34Time's done, Crowley.
01:09:35I'll answer one question from you.
01:09:38But it had better be a good one.
01:09:40Oh, it's a good one.
01:09:41What?
01:09:43It's the only one I've got.
01:09:45It's not the problem of evil, is it?
01:09:47Because I can tell you,
01:09:49I'm over being blamed for that one.
01:09:51No, no. Not exactly that.
01:09:53No, just...
01:09:57Ask.
01:10:07Why make people, and then punish them for behaving like people?
01:10:13Humans are gonna human.
01:10:15No matter what we do, there's nothing we can ever do about it.
01:10:17Why it is the problem of evil.
01:10:18Well, told you.
01:10:19So predictable.
01:10:20No, no, no.
01:10:21It's not the problem of evil.
01:10:22It's the...
01:10:23It's the problem of everything.
01:10:24But let's talk about people.
01:10:25They are born into a world that is against them in a thousand different ways.
01:10:32And then devote most of their energy to making it worse.
01:10:35Where you'll find the real grace, and the real heart-stopping evil,
01:10:40is right inside the human mind.
01:10:43But a person isn't the worst thing they've ever done.
01:10:45Anyone, they're the best thing they've ever done.
01:10:47Why make them that way?
01:10:49That's free will.
01:10:50Free will? That's just a card trick, isn't it?
01:10:52Hey, suckers think they're playing for real.
01:10:54The dealer knows.
01:10:55Her body finds the lady unless she wants them to.
01:10:59What about you, Siraphale?
01:11:00Uh, me?
01:11:01You?
01:11:03Do you have a burning question?
01:11:10I just wish it had been easier.
01:11:13I just wanted to do the right thing.
01:11:15You what?
01:11:17You just wanted to be left alone to read.
01:11:19You wanted to consume all the yummy human food.
01:11:23The lovely human music.
01:11:24Well, you say all that as if it negates me wanting to do the right thing.
01:11:28Siraphale.
01:11:29You were the first angel to lie to me.
01:11:32You were lazy.
01:11:34Gluttonous.
01:11:36Prideful.
01:11:37Quite true.
01:11:38And I was also the second best angel you ever had.
01:11:41You were what?
01:11:42The second best angel?
01:11:43So who do you think the best angel was?
01:11:48This one?
01:11:49I was a terrible angel.
01:11:51No, no.
01:11:52No, you were the best of us.
01:11:56You cared so much about everything.
01:11:59You were an artist.
01:12:02You wanted to understand, to make better art.
01:12:05The rest of us, we were just characters in her book.
01:12:10We didn't ask questions.
01:12:13You were the only one of us who genuinely believed there had to be a sensible purpose to it all.
01:12:21I'm nobody's character.
01:12:23If I'm just a part of her story, then what am I doing still here?
01:12:30Do you want me to tell him or will you?
01:12:32I'm interested in what you have to say, angel.
01:12:37Because it's a tidy way to finish.
01:12:41Two of you.
01:12:43Deity and the adversary facing off.
01:12:46And even shaking hands.
01:12:48And then it all ends for good.
01:12:51The cosmic game of chess is over.
01:12:56When really you've just been a stand-in in a cosmic game of solitaire.
01:13:01Oh.
01:13:03It's ridiculous.
01:13:06You know, Lord, I...
01:13:08I do have a question.
01:13:10Ask it then.
01:13:14Why...
01:13:14Why give me Crowley?
01:13:18Why make me complete?
01:13:21And then take it away?
01:13:24You know you won't get an answer.
01:13:31Because...
01:13:32You were able to value what most people never even know they had.
01:13:39Your love for him...
01:13:42Was the messiest, silliest, most predictable thing in the universe.
01:13:50And it always made me smile.
01:13:55But that was then.
01:13:56That universe is...
01:13:59Over.
01:13:59As I think are both of you.
01:14:02Over.
01:14:04You still haven't answered the first question.
01:14:07What I want to know is...
01:14:09Why did you think it was a good idea?
01:14:11Even a sensible idea.
01:14:14To make an infinite universe.
01:14:17Run it for 6,000 years.
01:14:19And then just...
01:14:21Tip the ball over.
01:14:23The whole thing's lunacy.
01:14:25Everything ends.
01:14:26A story doesn't have to go beyond the last page of its book, Crowley.
01:14:30And that story is over.
01:14:32I don't accept that.
01:14:33And I do not accept that you're the one that gets to make all these decisions.
01:14:36Why should that be?
01:14:38Very well.
01:14:40I'll let you choose.
01:14:43This decision, this one decision, can be yours.
01:14:48What do you want?
01:14:50Do you want me to put everything back?
01:14:52The way it was?
01:14:56Can we talk?
01:14:57Very well.
01:14:58I'll give you privacy.
01:15:14So...
01:15:16What you want?
01:15:18Me?
01:15:18Why me?
01:15:20Because I only want one thing.
01:15:23And that's not what this is about anymore.
01:15:26What do you want, Crowley?
01:15:38You know what I want?
01:15:43I want a real universe.
01:15:49I want the people to have a chance.
01:15:53I want free will to be a real thing.
01:16:00People deserve the chance to live in the real world.
01:16:12Even if there are no angels.
01:16:17No demons.
01:16:22No paths.
01:16:27Ever again.
01:16:29I want to be my problem.
01:16:33I don't know who is.
01:16:36I don't know who is...
01:16:39Did I say the wrong thing?
01:16:42No.
01:16:56I believe we've come to a decision.
01:17:01So then he says, I've got a better idea.
01:17:05Let's not.
01:17:06And say we did.
01:17:08So I thought, well, there you go.
01:17:15Yes.
01:17:17Made your decision.
01:17:21We want you to create another universe.
01:17:25One without angels or demons.
01:17:29No God.
01:17:31No Satan.
01:17:34A universe without a heaven and without a hell.
01:17:38No great plan.
01:17:39Nothing ineffable.
01:17:41It just starts with the Big Bang and ends billions of years later with the heat death of the universe.
01:17:47Or, you know, however it stops.
01:17:49Heat death isn't a deal breaker now.
01:17:51You're asking God to create a godless universe?
01:17:57Neither of you could ever exist in such a universe.
01:18:00You understand.
01:18:01Wait.
01:18:03You're not going to indulge them in this nonsense, are you?
01:18:07Yes.
01:18:08Yes, I think I am.
01:18:11You two fully comprehend the cost.
01:18:15We know what we're asking for.
01:18:16We know what we're asking for.
01:18:19Very well.
01:18:23I'll make it.
01:18:25I'll make the universe your way.
01:18:28I'll even let an earth happen.
01:18:30Eventually there'll be humans and life in all of its mundane glory.
01:18:35Something that both of you will neither know nor experience, though.
01:18:40That doesn't matter.
01:18:45Say goodbye then.
01:19:15I'll be right back.
01:19:37I don't know.
01:19:49Excuse me.
01:19:50Yes, come out.
01:19:51I was just passing.
01:19:52I saw the show.
01:19:53Do you have any books on astrophysics?
01:19:56Astrophysics.
01:19:57Derek, do we have any books on astrophysics?
01:20:01Is it in there, beside gardening?
01:20:04Opposite philosophy.
01:20:07I knew that.
01:20:08This way.
01:20:14Ah, here we are.
01:20:15Um, astrophysics for everyone, from the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.
01:20:20God, we've had this for years.
01:20:22I think I could probably give it to you for half price.
01:20:27You have no idea how much that hurts me?
01:20:30Did I say something wrong?
01:20:32No, I shouldn't have said anything.
01:20:33Sorry.
01:20:33No.
01:20:34Um, I wrote it.
01:20:39Oh, uh, well, right?
01:20:42Yes, you, I mean, you don't want your own book.
01:20:45You've probably already got a copy.
01:20:47Two boxes in the garage.
01:20:49Um, well, how about this?
01:20:53Yes, it's not exactly cutting edge.
01:20:56Oh, this is, um, Arthur Eddington's book on Relativity.
01:21:00Second edition, I'm afraid.
01:21:01Oh, this, I've always wanted a copy of this.
01:21:03Oh, wonderful.
01:21:04This is my lucky day.
01:21:05Oh, good.
01:21:07Mine too.
01:21:08How so?
01:21:08Because I, um, have a book you want.
01:21:13Fair enough.
01:21:15Oh, 20 pounds.
01:21:16Wonderful.
01:21:21Oh.
01:21:23Did you see we've got a couple of brown coxies?
01:21:27And that big book of astrophysics for everyone.
01:21:30No, no, he's, he's the author, Derek.
01:21:32Yes, he has two boxes in his garage.
01:21:34Oh.
01:21:35Definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.
01:21:36There you are.
01:21:37Enjoy.
01:21:38Uh, well, thank you.
01:21:46So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.
01:21:51How'd you know that?
01:21:52Hmm?
01:21:53Well, his name's in big letters on the book you're still holding.
01:21:58Well, aren't you going to go after him?
01:22:01Why would I possibly go after him?
01:22:03Well, you liked him.
01:22:05And it looked very much like he liked you.
01:22:17Oh, I mean, excuse me.
01:22:18Stop.
01:22:19Oh, sorry, you, uh, Dalisa, is everything okay?
01:22:23Oh.
01:22:25I told you two boxes.
01:22:26No, I, I, I, I know.
01:22:27Um, sorry, a bit puffed.
01:22:31Um, no, I bought it.
01:22:33Would you, uh, could you, uh, sign it for me?
01:22:36Of course.
01:22:37What's your name?
01:22:38Uh, Fel, Aza Fel, with an S.
01:22:41Um.
01:22:41Oh, dear.
01:22:42Sorry.
01:22:43Uh, yeah.
01:22:47I, I, I need you to write your number down, too, for me.
01:22:52So I can ask you to dinner.
01:22:54Uh, and, uh, you'll say no, and, um, but at least I've asked.
01:23:04Um.
01:23:06I'm not going to give you one a buck.
01:23:07No, no, no, no, no.
01:23:09Sorry.
01:23:09I'll wait for you.
01:23:12Where are we having dinner?
01:23:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:23:52So, how was everything?
01:23:54Oh, it was scrumptious.
01:23:56Absolutely scrumptious.
01:23:57I've never had anyone use that word in my life before.
01:24:01How old my mother used to say.
01:24:02Right.
01:24:03Another one she used to say was tickety-boo.
01:24:06Right.
01:24:06And, uh, and Squiffy.
01:24:08Squiffy, yes.
01:24:09Hopelessly yet amusingly drunk.
01:24:11Yes, yes.
01:24:13Um, so the bookshop.
01:24:15Ah, well, um, Derek, uh, he...
01:24:19Time after time.
01:24:21If you fall, I will catch you.
01:24:23I'll be waiting.
01:24:25Time after time.
01:24:28If you're lost, you can look and you will find me.
01:24:32Time after time.
01:24:34Time after time.
01:24:34Time after time.
01:24:34Time after time.
01:24:34Time after time.
01:24:35Time after time.
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