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TVTranscript
00:00:12I can't believe it's over
00:00:14An over and a glorious victory, Aziraphale
00:00:18Quite outstanding
00:00:19Yes, I suppose so
00:00:20At a cost, of course
00:00:23How many did we lose in the last offensive?
00:00:25About a hundred, I'm afraid
00:00:27They took us by surprise
00:00:28The whole thing was ghastly
00:00:30Aziraphale was inspiring
00:00:33And a remarkable strategist
00:00:35Just doing my job
00:00:37The battle fought here
00:00:38At the centre of all creation
00:00:41Turned the tide
00:00:43They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame
00:00:46And they lost
00:00:49Better tell the troops the good news, eh?
00:01:14To be continued...
00:01:18Angel, do you understand?
00:01:20Give me the sword.
00:01:25So you didn't actually have a weapon then when you were threatening me?
00:01:28No, I lost it in the last battle.
00:01:32Hello, I'm...
00:01:32General Azirafir, I know who you are.
00:01:34I saw you on the battlefield.
00:01:36I have a lot of questions.
00:01:38And nobody ever has the answers.
00:01:52It may hurt, but it'll help to staunch the wound a little.
00:01:58You know, I've spent the war smiting rebel angels.
00:02:02I've never done this before.
00:02:06Should I say thank you?
00:02:09Better not.
00:02:26Thank you for the bandage.
00:02:28Probably best if you don't, uh...
00:02:31Don't tell anyone how you got it.
00:02:38Good luck.
00:02:55I'm gonna get him back...
00:02:56I'm gonna put my blood in the air.
00:02:58I'm gonna get him back.
00:02:58I'm gonna get him back...
00:03:00I believe I'm going to kill the ground...
00:03:03That's a whole list of people here.
00:03:04I don't know what's left.
00:03:05You know what's left on my side?
00:03:13You're not stealing your body.
00:03:23and well done everyone on plan second coming
00:03:29and in addition i'd like to congratulate michael and the team on solving the logistics of
00:03:36materializing a full-size plane carrying a human passenger in mid-flight
00:03:44i'm glad to see you're all as excited as i am any updates ah yes muriel
00:03:51you wanted me to tell you when he was awake and incarnate well he is both wonderful and how did
00:03:59he take it oh pretty well he's a bit whoa i've got a body what's this about then and i'm
00:04:07all
00:04:07not really my job and he's all i have absolutely no idea what's happening and i'm everything is set
00:04:13we have the quite long checklist you gave us aziraphale nothing will go wrong the car will
00:04:22meet the plane on the tarmac the archangel sandalphon good fellow will drive the risen christ directly
00:04:28to the united nations where uriel and michael will meet him perhaps with a cup of tea then jesus will
00:04:36make his speech to all the nations of the world in all the tongues of the world and then joy
00:04:42unbounded peace on earth and all that good stuff peace on earth any questions no good right let's
00:04:50kick off the second coming
00:04:56oh hello um so i'm pretty sure i am joshua uh son of joseph now my memory's a bit funny
00:05:05but um
00:05:06the last thing i remember i was being crucified you transcended the flesh but now you're back
00:05:12new flesh and we're sending you back to earth to bring about universal happiness
00:05:18are you sure you've got the right person oh absolutely certain you've spent the last couple
00:05:23thousand years as part of the triune godhead but now you've got a mortal body again so you can talk
00:05:29to humanity you know mortal to mortal and tell them it's the end times well not quite not quite
00:05:39no that whole epoch um it's a bit old-fashioned you know times have changed um i was thinking we
00:05:46might try something a little more upbeat oh look out here comes universal happiness no end times
00:05:52happiness or not happiness universal joy unbounded etc has this been signed off yes by me i'm in
00:06:02charge for now sorry nothing where are the scars i had good carpenter's hands whole new miraculous
00:06:09physical body you've got to have a body otherwise they're all who said that you just need to give a
00:06:15speech a zero fail has prepared it for you you will be on every television every phone and each
00:06:22person on earth will hear you talking to them in their own language miracle i'm sure it'll be very
00:06:29motivational i think we need to revisit the end times no we don't and all the smiting we have to
00:06:35do
00:06:35i'm not really following any of this um are any of my friends here uh uh simon or thomas i'd
00:06:43i'd quite
00:06:43like to talk to them it's it's been a long time my my mum thousands of years all the humans
00:06:50you once knew are um dead really well what about the angel who visited to give me strength the night
00:07:02before all the um the nailing business um gabriel i think he said oh did he yes he wasn't a
00:07:09lot of
00:07:09help to be honest i mean he mainly spoke about himself but also um not in the picture any longer
00:07:15well that must wait the redhead one with the um with the funny eyes oh he showed me all the
00:07:23cities
00:07:23of the world oh he was one of you or not too wasn't he um not human yeah oh is
00:07:28he still around not up
00:07:29here or in hell he's down on earth these days not really our kind of person oh wait no he
00:07:35seemed nice
00:07:35if he has uh qualities okay well i mean if i've got to go to earth anyway that won't be
00:07:41appropriate
00:07:42i'm afraid our sandal form here will be looking after you find her
00:07:53wait mrs sandwich i'm not giving you anything crowley oh come on mrs sandwich come on 150 quid
00:08:00tonight i will finally get it back ryan won't give up anything he won fair and square love this time
00:08:04we'll be different
00:08:08hi very much oh fresh it would i'll be back
00:08:17we have a winner mr crowley it's just numbers nods when you've designed star systems blackjacks
00:08:29come on oh hello misty oh it's so funny from on your own come on tell us a funny story
00:08:42about
00:08:43gorillas or dolphins come on how much about one today about hundred grand oh hundred thousand
00:08:54smackeroonies that's got to be enough to get brian out the back room you know it never ends well
00:09:00take it from me son take the win ah it's the big bc hundred thousand quid come on that's more
00:09:10than it's
00:09:11never worth no i want it car's mine i'll toss you for it double with nothing you heard what you
00:09:17said customer's always right i'd see you by two uh mates come here sir yeah please this right now
00:09:25you find the lady and the penalty's yours
00:09:47that's a shame
00:09:49the penalty's still mine
00:09:53i've lost worse things than that
00:09:58you're a loser crowley you only become it to lose you could have walked out with a very rich man
00:10:08come on come on come on come on
00:10:23were you good
00:10:28what do you think of the speech i think it's a bit on the nose i am
00:10:36i like telling stories uh parables if you will which um which draw people
00:10:42aziraphale wrote it it's been market tested on him
00:10:56what what are you doing there you know you are not allowed up here
00:11:02and what are you doing with that give it to me i am the only entity authorized to i
00:11:24stay here
00:11:31somebody sounded the alarm that would have been me something's wrong metatron's vanished
00:11:37vanished could he have gone for a walk he's not in the universe that's ridiculous
00:11:44i mean the only way the metatron would be gone from the universe is if there wasn't a
00:11:49metatron any longer if he was dead you mean of course the metatron's not dead
00:11:54it's sandalphon where's jesus
00:12:05earth
00:12:33oh hello excuse me i'm out of cash bank sorry
00:12:36no no something smells good i haven't eaten in a long time
00:12:43here
00:12:45toasted cheese sarni you need it more than i do
00:12:52this is really kind of you you know there was a man who had three sons sorry mate food i
00:12:58can do
00:12:58but i'm not ready after stories
00:13:02oh actually i'm looking for um he has um he has red hair and yellow eyes
00:13:09there's a lot of things i think he's an angel
00:13:14don't know
00:13:17thank you
00:13:21excuse me
00:13:24excuse me i'm sorry to wake you i'm not asleep i'm not cold
00:13:28oh would you like some of my cheese sarni
00:13:31oh leave me alone
00:13:35heartbroken it's world broken
00:13:37it's the point of everything
00:13:39i i wanted to ask you you showed me all those cities
00:13:42what should i do now
00:13:43the thing is the thing is the thing is the thing is isn't it
00:13:48what's that saying you're saying the thing is
00:13:50that thing of the three cars isn't it
00:13:55always find the lady you learn that you're set
00:13:58find the lady love tunnel bring the baby
00:14:01i was looking at the wrong place
00:14:07didn't it
00:14:09that thing with the three cars
00:14:12find the lady
00:14:13and if i learn to find the lady with the three cards
00:14:17that will help me understand my purpose here
00:14:20you are taking up my valuable passing out on time
00:14:26be gone
00:14:27all right
00:14:28all right
00:14:28all right
00:14:30night night
00:14:33obviously jesus won't be in the earth observation files
00:14:36the antichrist wasn't
00:14:37the book of life is something else entirely
00:14:41so where is it
00:14:43well it should be
00:14:44on that lectern
00:14:46where it's been since the dawn of time
00:14:49you can't just walk away
00:14:51need to report this
00:14:52oh there's not currently anyone to report to
00:14:54the metatron's done a bunk remember
00:14:56indeed
00:14:56no metatron as the former archangel sandalphon says
00:14:59former archangel
00:15:00unfortunate demotion
00:15:02because of losing the messiah
00:15:03but you can't
00:15:04oh we can't lose jesus and the book of life at the same time
00:15:07two things
00:15:08no we've also lost the metatron
00:15:10three things
00:15:10oh
00:15:11oh dear
00:15:16lot on your plate
00:15:17balls being dropped
00:15:21look why don't i try to locate the book of life
00:15:25with um with muriel as my investigating angel
00:15:31and then i can focus on finding jesus
00:15:34yes yes yes excellent plan
00:15:38the demotion he didn't mean it did he
00:15:41i'm afraid he did junior recording angel sandalphon
00:15:56do you think he's dangerous
00:15:59not anymore
00:16:00well but somebody prod him
00:16:04he's pretending he's asleep
00:16:07i quit dagon
00:16:09didn't you get the memo
00:16:16you didn't send a memo
00:16:18that's because i quit
00:16:22i'm unquitting you
00:16:23forthwith
00:16:24upstairs
00:16:26has begun
00:16:27operation
00:16:28second coming
00:16:31oh i see
00:16:34so the end times have begun
00:16:36again
00:16:37oh there you go
00:16:39no i don't go
00:16:42they've lost him
00:16:47you know
00:16:48the one who starts it all off
00:16:50nailed up boy
00:16:52jesus
00:16:54jesus
00:16:57and i'm here because
00:16:59we need you to find him crowley
00:17:01before they do
00:17:03right
00:17:04you can't even say his name
00:17:05what do you do if you do find him
00:17:07a hostage
00:17:09a hostage
00:17:37with
00:17:37no no oh no
00:17:39oh no
00:17:40no
00:17:41no
00:17:43well you'll regret this
00:17:46i'll add it to the lesson
00:17:51well get him out of here
00:17:55Are you okay?
00:17:57Uh, yes, of course.
00:17:59I just, um, well, I need to, uh, sort this out.
00:18:06Now, where to start?
00:18:08Why don't you ask your friend friend to help?
00:18:17My...
00:18:18Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't.
00:18:21That's out of the question.
00:18:21Um, he might like to see you anyway.
00:18:25Last time I saw him, he wasn't in the best way, to be honest.
00:18:30He seemed a bit... lost.
00:18:40Oh, my God.
00:19:06Oh, I never thought I'd see your face here again.
00:19:09I, um, um...
00:19:12Oh, everyone's gone.
00:19:14Or been bought out.
00:19:16Not me.
00:19:18I stick it out here in Soho like a barnacle to a rock.
00:19:26I, um...
00:19:27Hello.
00:19:29Look, um, my friend, Crowley, have you seen him?
00:19:34You wouldn't be looking for him unless you needed something.
00:19:37Because you're a taker, you are.
00:19:40You never cared for him?
00:19:41Or Whitworth Street?
00:19:42I... I love Whitworth Street.
00:19:44Yeah?
00:19:46Well, where were you when it got bad?
00:19:49You know, I never thought he'd be back to gloat.
00:19:56Gloat?
00:19:57What?
00:19:58He's down there.
00:19:59He's down there.
00:20:30I've, um, please get up.
00:20:34I'm fine down here, thanks.
00:20:39Look, I know you're upset with me.
00:20:41Yeah.
00:20:42But I'm willing to overlook that.
00:20:45Because, well, we have a lot to discuss.
00:20:49I have nothing to say to you.
00:20:52If you're expecting me to do the I was wrong dance,
00:20:55then I'm afraid you'll be waiting rather a long time.
00:20:57And we're way beyond little dances, Angel.
00:21:02Close the door on your way out.
00:21:07But you don't have a door.
00:21:55Good job.
00:22:01You were in a bookshop for centuries.
00:22:05You loved your bookshop.
00:22:07And then you just walked away.
00:22:10What happened here?
00:22:11Well, you tell me.
00:22:13Muriel was meant to take over the place.
00:22:15They were here for a few weeks and then closed the door.
00:22:19I needed Muriel.
00:22:20I needed someone to work with me in heaven who was...
00:22:24nice.
00:22:26But that's not what I meant.
00:22:28What I meant was what happened here.
00:22:32I've been gone for years.
00:22:34The place is a bit dusty, yes.
00:22:37No windows broken.
00:22:40Nothing's been taken.
00:22:42No rodent problem.
00:22:44You'd expect rats, wouldn't you?
00:22:46You weren't here.
00:22:49I wasn't going to leave this place as well.
00:22:54No.
00:22:58Obviously not.
00:23:01But...
00:23:01I suppose I should say thank you.
00:23:06Better not.
00:23:07Do you...
00:23:10Do you want an apology from me?
00:23:14I was trying to do the right thing.
00:23:16Well, you know what they say about the road to hell.
00:23:19What?
00:23:20Need to be paving.
00:23:22Look, chronic.
00:23:25I've come to help you.
00:23:27Have you?
00:23:27Yes.
00:23:28No, you haven't.
00:23:29This is about Jesus.
00:23:30You were bringing him back and now you've lost him.
00:23:33How do you know that?
00:23:34Live in an alleyway.
00:23:35People tell you things.
00:23:38Well...
00:23:38Yes.
00:23:40I mean...
00:23:40There is that.
00:23:42I need...
00:23:44We found the Antichrist together.
00:23:46You and me.
00:23:47Ancient history.
00:23:48Jesus remembers you, you know.
00:23:50He was asking after you.
00:23:52He seemed...
00:23:54Well...
00:23:55Very nice.
00:23:57And now, he's out there.
00:24:00On his own.
00:24:02Poor thing.
00:24:04I only hope they don't nail him up again.
00:24:06Well, they wouldn't do that again, surely.
00:24:08Well, they haven't changed much, have they?
00:24:10Heaven is looking for him.
00:24:12Hell will be too.
00:24:13No one can find him.
00:24:15Crowley, this is bigger than you and me.
00:24:17Well, I can't help you.
00:24:18Why not?
00:24:19I don't have a car.
00:24:20Well, then, by all means, get your car.
00:24:22Where is it?
00:24:24You've lost it?
00:24:25Yes.
00:24:26How?
00:24:28I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:24:30I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
00:24:31I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:24:34To whom?
00:24:35Brian Cameron.
00:24:37Bri...
00:24:37I've never heard of him.
00:24:38Sounds like an accountant.
00:24:40How on earth could you lose your Bentley to a man named Brian Cameron?
00:24:43He's a gangster.
00:24:45I was still sleeping in my car.
00:24:52I always wanted a classic Bentley.
00:24:53I thought a man who owns a car like that must definitely be up for a little wager.
00:24:57A little gain of skill and chance.
00:25:00I'm not gonna do that.
00:25:01This is my house.
00:25:02Of course I can't, you know, force you to play.
00:25:05But what I could do is set it fire to that little bookshop and burn it down to the ground
00:25:09right now.
00:25:13No, it's cause I see you sleeping outside here and I often see you inside.
00:25:18Give me a cheeky little eye.
00:25:20I'll take the car.
00:25:21I am a businessman so I'm not a common thief.
00:25:24I'm really suggesting we have a little gentleman's game.
00:25:27I've had enough of this.
00:25:30Your miracle account is no longer active.
00:25:33Please go away.
00:25:36My legal department drew this up.
00:25:38You know, just have a little game.
00:25:39You win.
00:25:41I walk away and nothing catches fire.
00:25:44You lose.
00:25:44And I'll get the penalty.
00:25:48I'm not a wolf.
00:25:51Just sign here now.
00:25:54So, what's the game?
00:25:55It's my favorite board game, actually.
00:25:58Well, what you gotta do is you gotta own everything.
00:26:01And you leave everyone else penniless, crushed, and miserable.
00:26:06Sounds like a game only a human could invent.
00:26:09You can be the show.
00:26:37Oh dear.
00:26:38Yeah. He already mortgaged all your property, so that kind of like wipes you out.
00:26:43Doesn't it really, though? It's still, they say, it's a bloody good game, isn't it?
00:26:49Penilence, crushed, and miserable.
00:26:52Well, for what else did you let him get away with it? I mean, a contract to contract.
00:26:55What could I do? Hellen cut me off. Miracle's not an option. You were elsewhere.
00:27:00Yes. Very well, then. We shall go and get our Bentley back.
00:27:05My Bentley?
00:27:06Of course. And then, and then you'll help me find Jesus.
00:27:15I'll do it myself.
00:27:18Crowley. Crowley. Crowley. I'm so disappointed in you. Trying to steal my car?
00:27:25I'd like my Bentley back. Yeah, well, I'd like to play for the Arsenal, but that ain't gonna happen. Neither
00:27:29is it, mates.
00:27:30I just need my car. You need teaching a lesson is what you need. And I am.
00:27:35So gonna be enjoyed, Axe.
00:27:38Who are you?
00:27:40I'm a retired bookseller.
00:27:43I've come to get my friend back. And our car. His car.
00:27:48You're a friend of his? No, you're not.
00:27:49I rather think I am. I'm rescuing you. And liberating our Bentley.
00:27:53Yeah, well, bollocks you are. It's my car. I wanted Ferris Square so you could just, you know, like goodbye.
00:27:57Rather excited to meet you, actually, Mr. Brian Cameron.
00:28:02From what I hear, you're the second best player of games of skill and chance in all of London.
00:28:06Well done. Second, you say? Well, of course.
00:28:11After me.
00:28:14Perfect.
00:28:17Misty, my love. Break out the board games.
00:28:20I'm afraid not.
00:28:22According to your very own rules, as the challenger, I get to choose.
00:28:26You're right.
00:28:28Competitive crossword solving.
00:28:30It's not even a game, is it?
00:28:31The first one to finish correctly gets the Bentley.
00:28:35Now, be careful now.
00:28:36Yeah, listen, I can fill in a crossword, all right?
00:28:39But I can, uh, ask people for help. I can call them for help if I need it.
00:28:43Right.
00:28:44I can collaborate.
00:28:45Now, seek as much assistance as you require.
00:28:48Okay.
00:28:49One across nine letters.
00:28:51The measured tread of the saints round the dome of St. Peter's. How appropriate.
00:28:55Well, it's ridiculous.
00:28:57In this case, the word round tells you to look with one word inside another,
00:29:00giving us the opening word.
00:29:04Billy.
00:29:05Billy, yes, mate.
00:29:06Yes, I need the solution for today.
00:29:07He's cryptic crossword.
00:29:08I need it right now.
00:29:11He's got to be on the web.
00:29:11Someone do, like, a search or something.
00:29:14Yeah, well, then find the bloke that wrote the crossword and threaten him.
00:29:18Tell him we're going to kill his husband or his dog or something like that.
00:29:21Finish.
00:29:23What?
00:29:27No, no, no, no.
00:29:28You could have written anything down.
00:29:31What's ten down?
00:29:34Miss Desmond levitates, for David's spacey song refers to Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard,
00:29:39and can be rephrased as Norma flies, which is an anagram of the David Bowie song, Life on Mars.
00:29:49I'll take the car, and my friend.
00:29:56What's going to happen, Brian?
00:29:57Brian, I did give you a chance.
00:29:59You really mustn't get angry, you know.
00:30:27You're feeling quite pleased with yourself right now, aren't you?
00:30:29Not at all.
00:30:32But a deal's a deal.
00:30:35Right, let's get this over with.
00:30:36So where is Jesus?
00:30:38I don't know.
00:30:40You don't know?
00:30:41Well, no.
00:30:42Otherwise, I wouldn't need to find him, would I?
00:30:44I wouldn't need him.
00:30:45You wouldn't need me, right.
00:30:46Nice.
00:30:47Gotcha.
00:30:49Seriously, no idea.
00:30:52That's quite big, you know.
00:30:53Yes, I'm aware of that.
00:30:54What do you do?
00:30:55Ring a bell, leave out snacks, hang signs on lampposts saying Missy Messiah can offer small
00:31:00reward.
00:31:00No, look, I don't know.
00:31:09So, do you have any idea where the Book of Life might be?
00:31:14No.
00:31:15I'm afraid no.
00:31:17Sorry.
00:31:18Of course I don't.
00:31:20That's a shame.
00:31:22Or then, any idea how we can have got to wherever it is that we don't know where that even
00:31:29is?
00:31:34Excellent question, though.
00:31:43I need to find the lady.
00:31:45Oh.
00:31:47Well, once upon a time, my love.
00:31:49I could have seen you well sorted.
00:31:51But it's all on the blooming internet now, isn't it?
00:31:55Um, just sit anywhere.
00:32:04Who are you?
00:32:06Jehoshua.
00:32:07Bless you.
00:32:08Bless you.
00:32:10Harry Frisch, mate.
00:32:12Or Harry the Fish, as was, back when me name meant anything.
00:32:17Then I will call you Harry the Fish.
00:32:19You were a fisher of?
00:32:23What do you do with those cards?
00:32:25For I've been told to find a lady.
00:32:27Find a lady?
00:32:29I did used to work the Monty, sure.
00:32:32With a team of guys.
00:32:34I'll miss them.
00:32:37I had friends.
00:32:39A team.
00:32:41Twelve friends.
00:32:42I'm solo now.
00:32:44No Monty, just me.
00:32:46You've got an honest face.
00:32:49You have a beautiful face, Harry.
00:32:52But one filled with pain.
00:32:54So, how do I find the lady?
00:33:00Find the lady.
00:33:01Yeah, find the lady, find the gravy.
00:33:04Here she is, there she goes.
00:33:05Where she ends up, nobody knows.
00:33:12What will you teach me?
00:33:20How about some music?
00:33:22Um, maybe a little, um, tom-tom garage?
00:33:26Or, um, some rip-rap?
00:33:28Or a go-go.
00:33:29You have absolutely no idea what any of that means.
00:33:31Yes, I do.
00:33:32They're all types of bebop.
00:33:34Stop flustering me.
00:33:35I can't, I can't think straight.
00:33:37Things have been really very complicated for me at the moment, you know?
00:33:40Well, you've lost Jesus and bollocks on the second coming.
00:33:42It doesn't get much more complicated than that.
00:33:44And we may have lost the book of life.
00:33:48You've lost it?
00:33:49Well, it does seem to be evading us rather successfully for the moment.
00:33:53Unbelievable.
00:33:54Oh, you leave me to go back to Sword Art Heaven.
00:33:57You've made it into more of a mess than it was already.
00:33:58Look, I had a chance to make a real difference.
00:34:00But you still don't get it, do you?
00:34:01You can't change anything.
00:34:04It's all rigged.
00:34:05The entire universe.
00:34:06But I have to try at least.
00:34:07Can't you see that?
00:34:09I don't want an awful, judgy, second coming with those scary horses and half the world being smited.
00:34:16If I'm the boss...
00:34:17Right, you're not.
00:34:18And you never will be.
00:34:19There's always someone above you stuck in the deck.
00:34:20Well, not now there isn't.
00:34:22The Metatron's disappeared too.
00:34:25Oh, superb.
00:34:27Mr. Big Giant Floatyhead bought you a lovely coffee himself as done a runner.
00:34:32You could have avoided all this.
00:34:35We could have done a runner ourselves.
00:34:36Our house should come with me.
00:34:38We could be drinking cocktails on Alpha Centauri.
00:34:40This could be someone else's problem.
00:34:41How could we have been happy there, knowing that we were leaving all these people to goodness knows what awfulness?
00:34:47Second coming.
00:34:48Apocalypse.
00:34:49The end of everything on Earth as it is on Alpha Centauri.
00:34:53I could stop all that.
00:34:54I just wanted to save everything, and so that everybody could have a chance, including us.
00:35:02And how's that working out?
00:35:10Don't look around.
00:35:11Keep walking.
00:35:12We're just coincidentally walking in the same direction.
00:35:15Okay.
00:35:16I may know something.
00:35:18What?
00:35:18Face forward.
00:35:19If I tell you, I want to be reinstated as an archangel.
00:35:22I don't have that power.
00:35:23Not yet, you don't.
00:35:24Meet me in the corridor in the space between.
00:35:26They won't be looking there.
00:35:40Hello?
00:35:44Muriel?
00:35:45Hello?
00:35:49Muriel, is that you?
00:36:02What are you doing here?
00:36:04This area has been closed off.
00:36:06I was here to meet Sandorfer.
00:36:09Ah, Muriel.
00:36:29Why are you stopping?
00:36:31Oh, no, no.
00:36:31No, we can't park here.
00:36:32They'll be looking for the Bentley.
00:36:34They don't have to see it, do they?
00:36:37Oh.
00:36:40Really?
00:36:43We know Jesus is on Earth, but it's a big place.
00:36:46He could be anywhere.
00:36:47Well, he likes deserts.
00:36:49Or he used to.
00:36:50Spent 40 days in one back when I knew.
00:36:57But he can't be.
00:36:58Well, obviously.
00:37:01He's going to be.
00:37:02No.
00:37:05I understand.
00:37:06That was Sraquil.
00:37:07It appears that Sandalfon has...
00:37:10Also vanished.
00:37:11Sraquil thinks he's been murdered.
00:37:14I need to get back to heaven.
00:37:15You'll just have to begin the hunt for Jesus here yourself.
00:37:17No, no, no.
00:37:17I'm coming with you.
00:37:18To heaven?
00:37:19You most certainly are not.
00:37:20You clearly can't do this on your own.
00:37:21Come on.
00:37:27What are you doing in here?
00:37:30I've prepared a report on Sandalfon's murder.
00:37:34What's he doing here?
00:37:36Well, he's backup.
00:37:38Two heads, better than one.
00:37:40He's a demon.
00:37:41Former, former demon.
00:37:43Now just a private individual.
00:37:47So, Sandalfon vanishes.
00:37:49He said he had things to tell me.
00:37:51I think it was about the Metatron and the Book of Life.
00:37:54You think?
00:37:55So, no actual information, then?
00:37:58And perhaps she needs some help.
00:37:59Uriel.
00:38:00Uriel is perfect for the job.
00:38:03Your assistance is not required.
00:38:05Your infinite holiness.
00:38:07I would like to register a complaint.
00:38:10This person should not be allowed in heaven.
00:38:13A complaint duly noted and registered.
00:38:17Will it make a difference?
00:38:20Oh, no.
00:38:23So, the Book of Life, wouldn't the archive monitor show who took it?
00:38:26Of course I thought to check the archive.
00:38:30Look.
00:38:31One moment, it's here.
00:38:33Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:38:35The next, it's not.
00:38:37So the moment of theft has been edited out?
00:38:41Not edited.
00:38:42It just goes.
00:38:42I looked for fingerprints through a magnifying glass and footprints.
00:38:46So, if the archive wasn't edited, what if reality was?
00:38:52And that's perfectly impossible.
00:38:54By the Book of Life itself, you mean?
00:38:57That's brilliant.
00:38:58If you simply remove the moment the book was taken from the book itself, reality adjusts to conform.
00:39:02You can't just remove things from reality.
00:39:05Well, hang around for a while, sure, while reality catches up.
00:39:07But then...
00:39:11I'll bet you that's what's happened to the Metatron.
00:39:13Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.
00:39:15Right.
00:39:16Back to work.
00:39:17Chop, chop.
00:39:18Don't dilly-dally.
00:39:21Oh, thank you.
00:39:23No need.
00:39:24You're doing an excellent job.
00:39:30What if hell is actually behind this?
00:39:33Someone must have had a motive for the theft, a motive for the murder.
00:39:36It wasn't you, and we know it wasn't me.
00:39:39Angels aren't killers.
00:39:40Sorry, are we talking about the same angels?
00:39:41I think you should return to hell and find out everything you can.
00:39:45They know me.
00:39:46I'm not going back.
00:39:47They know you.
00:39:47But they don't know me.
00:39:50I could ask around.
00:39:52Take a look.
00:39:53You are not a demon.
00:39:55They found an undocumented angel wandering around hell.
00:39:58They...
00:39:58I killed you just for starters.
00:40:00You forget.
00:40:01I'm a master of disguise.
00:40:03No, you're not.
00:40:04That's something you're rather good.
00:40:07Are you sure they won't recognize me?
00:40:12Pretty sure.
00:40:18My lord Archduke, Slauch the Vile, master of the secret torments, is here to see Lord Dengon.
00:40:27I don't have anything in the calendar.
00:40:29He has come directly from downstairs.
00:40:32We are downstairs.
00:40:34All the way downstairs.
00:40:37No!
00:40:46An emissary from all the way downstairs is here!
00:40:51From downstairs?
00:40:52What, now?
00:40:54They're meant to let us know.
00:40:56I don't believe Lord Satan is under any obligation to do anything.
00:41:00To make things easier for you, Dengon.
00:41:06Right.
00:41:08Sorry.
00:41:10No.
00:41:14Have we met?
00:41:16I don't do a lot of mingling.
00:41:19No.
00:41:20No, Lord Satan keeps me very busy with all the, you know, secrets, torments and that.
00:41:28Yes, of course.
00:41:28We are here because of the turmoil upstairs.
00:41:35Your reports on the matter have been disappointing.
00:41:44So I came to investigate personally.
00:41:51The second coming?
00:41:54They lost him, didn't they?
00:41:56Yes.
00:41:57But I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.
00:42:01Unless...
00:42:02We know where he is.
00:42:06Nothing yet.
00:42:08No.
00:42:10No.
00:42:10But I'm here on the other matter.
00:42:14Other matter?
00:42:15Upstairs.
00:42:17A murder.
00:42:19A disappearance.
00:42:21The Book of Life.
00:42:24Missing.
00:42:26Don't say you haven't heard anything.
00:42:29We just know what we put in the report.
00:42:30The Metatron and a couple of Archangels removed from the Book of Life.
00:42:33Thus, a vanisher.
00:42:36That's all we know.
00:42:38If someone is holding out from even further downstairs.
00:42:46We didn't even know the Book was missing.
00:42:48Our secret sauce on the top floor.
00:42:50Just let it slip.
00:42:56Well, I will let his infernal darkness know how helpful you've both been.
00:43:04That's...
00:43:05That's good, isn't it?
00:43:06Is it?
00:43:11Let's hope so.
00:43:20It's a dance, Josh.
00:43:22Find the rhythm.
00:43:27See, the trick is never to think of it as a trick.
00:43:31The cards want to be manipulated.
00:43:34A bit like people, really.
00:43:36Even me.
00:43:38Wait a minute.
00:43:39I remember this.
00:43:40Remember what?
00:43:42Somebody's all at a loss, and then I say something that helps.
00:43:46Go on, then.
00:43:48Well?
00:43:49Well, for I say to you this.
00:43:51If a man has a boat, then he has the ability to fish.
00:43:55Well, just as...
00:43:55Has he got a net?
00:43:56What?
00:43:57The bloke with a boat.
00:43:58He'd need a net.
00:43:59Or a rod.
00:43:59I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?
00:44:02No, I may be a bit rusty.
00:44:04I mean, it's been a few centuries.
00:44:06Wait, okay.
00:44:07There was a widow who had three sons,
00:44:10and the first son was a fisherman.
00:44:13Are all these stories about fishing?
00:44:16No.
00:44:17Hurry.
00:44:25Find the lady.
00:44:39Oh, I didn't see a thing.
00:44:44You know, maybe the card's life isn't something you want to be involved in.
00:44:47No.
00:44:48It's the right thing to do.
00:44:51It's a way to reach out to people.
00:44:53I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.
00:44:55It's people finding peace and love and happiness.
00:44:59Happiness?
00:45:00Let me tell you something, Josh.
00:45:02Life, this life, blinds you to what matters, right?
00:45:06I had kids, you know.
00:45:09Missed them growing up, didn't I?
00:45:10Because I was too bloody busy working the cards.
00:45:21Let's give it a go, shall we?
00:45:24I've ordered enormous vans of dim sum for you.
00:45:26That's a bottle of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape, 1988.
00:45:28You know, I'm not going to eat.
00:45:31I'm not that angel any longer.
00:45:33No, it's my job to set an example for all the other angels.
00:45:36I'm making choices.
00:45:40Good, upstanding choices.
00:45:43Right.
00:45:44Does that include choosing heaven instead of me?
00:45:48I chose heaven because of you.
00:45:51You showed me what it meant to be brave
00:45:53and to make a difference, to stand up for what I believed in.
00:45:57Did I?
00:45:58Yes.
00:45:59You told me that heaven wasn't on anybody's side.
00:46:02And I realized I could change that.
00:46:05I could make it on everybody's side.
00:46:07In what way?
00:46:09Well, for a start, Jesus was meant to be sent here to end it all,
00:46:14to end everything.
00:46:15All this bit.
00:46:16And, well, I did eventually persuade upstairs
00:46:19that the Second Coming didn't have to be Armageddon.
00:46:22It could be a second chance to get things right,
00:46:24to make things better,
00:46:26to inspire the humans to be, you know, nicer.
00:46:30What did God say to that?
00:46:32Well, she didn't tell me to stop.
00:46:36Oh.
00:46:38Oh.
00:46:41He, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know.
00:46:44Jesus.
00:46:45He even remembered your kingdoms of the world routine.
00:46:48Oh, did he?
00:46:49He was nice.
00:46:50Mm-hmm.
00:46:52Oh.
00:46:52What?
00:46:54Oh.
00:46:56He was here.
00:46:58Light of the world.
00:47:00Mary's bloody boy-child.
00:47:01He was here.
00:47:02In Soho.
00:47:03Oh.
00:47:04That was him.
00:47:04I talked to him.
00:47:05On my noses this whole time.
00:47:06And you didn't recognize him.
00:47:08Now, before you get all judgy,
00:47:09in my defense, I was astonishingly drunk.
00:47:12Well, that's hardly an actual...
00:47:14No, no, I won't do that.
00:47:15No, this is good news.
00:47:16It means he can't be fired.
00:47:17Yeah, certainly narrowed down the scope of the search.
00:47:19Way fewer temples.
00:47:21Deserts.
00:47:21Mm-hmm.
00:47:22What about hell?
00:47:23Any clues?
00:47:23I don't think they had a clue about anything, to be honest.
00:47:26In fact, I'm even realizing that some of their information was off.
00:47:32How so?
00:47:33Well, their sources told them that the Metatron and two archangels had been murdered using the Book of Life.
00:47:39And?
00:47:40Only one archangel has been murdered.
00:47:42Sandalfon.
00:47:43So what they were told is wrong.
00:47:48Unless what they heard was not what had already happened.
00:47:52What a plan.
00:47:54Why would anybody tell them their plan?
00:47:56Of course, they're a bit deranged.
00:47:59The wrong hands, the Book of Life, has the power to drive anyone mad.
00:48:02We're not built to cope with pasts, presentes, and futures that don't match up.
00:48:08Time stops meaning anything.
00:48:10Constantly unhappening bits of reality could make someone lose track of what will be true, but isn't true yet.
00:48:18Exactly.
00:48:20And if it's not someone from hell who has the plan,
00:48:23and then...
00:48:25Oh, no.
00:48:38I really have missed food.
00:48:41So, I think the next step...
00:48:42The next step is you sitting back down.
00:48:44Hello, Misty.
00:48:46Everything okay?
00:48:48My dad's in intensive care.
00:48:50You know, the toughest bloke in all of London, and you two could have killed him.
00:48:54I don't think we did.
00:48:55He won your car fair and square.
00:48:57Just as my friend wanted fair and square back from him.
00:48:58You said they stole him.
00:49:00Yeah.
00:49:00Not at all.
00:49:01We signed a contract.
00:49:02And then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.
00:49:04Oh.
00:49:05That is a tough one.
00:49:06Misty, your dad is in hospital because of anger management issues and a dodgy heart valve.
00:49:10Shut it.
00:49:11You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop, and you're going to watch us burn it down.
00:49:17I think I solved it.
00:49:18What are you supposed to be?
00:49:20The case.
00:49:21Michael chose me to investigate the book's disappearance, and I've been investigating.
00:49:26And then I thought...
00:49:27What is this?
00:49:27I'm really enthusiastic, and I've read a lot of human detective books, and I'm nice.
00:49:33Kind of in the middle of something, yeah?
00:49:34But I'm only the perfect person for the job if you don't want the real answer.
00:49:39I'm the useful idiot!
00:49:41And then I thought, oh my heavens, I know who did it.
00:49:44I made a deduction.
00:49:46A proper one.
00:49:47You worked out that Michael's the one that's been doing this?
00:49:49Yes.
00:49:49Um, I worked out that my...
00:49:52Oh, you knew?
00:49:53Yeah.
00:49:54Look, can we please focus on the threats of extreme violence?
00:49:56We worked it out over dimsum.
00:49:58Hell knew what was happening or about to happen before we did.
00:50:01Michael's the one that talks to Hell.
00:50:02It's always been backchannel, so...
00:50:04Yeah.
00:50:05But your deduction really was excellent.
00:50:07What's that you getting?
00:50:09Bookshop?
00:50:09Burn!
00:50:10Burn the bookshop!
00:50:12Hell is not marked!
00:50:14How about some gentle ribbing?
00:50:15Oh, for...
00:50:16Who the hell are you?
00:50:17You are not Lord Slort.
00:50:18His vileness was elsewhere, inventing new torments.
00:50:21Your presence was a violation of preternatural diplomacy.
00:50:24This means war, doesn't everything?
00:50:27Hello again.
00:50:28Oh.
00:50:29Hello.
00:50:30You're most certainly in trouble too.
00:50:32Quiet!
00:50:34What are you standing around for?
00:50:36Break something.
00:50:37Lots of things!
00:50:38To be fair, Misty, Brian's cardiologist was always suggesting yoga and mindfulness.
00:50:43Change of diet.
00:50:44Getting away from thinking about work.
00:50:45Shut up and start hurting people.
00:50:48Never really thought there was anything about doing that, does it?
00:50:50No.
00:50:51And you know, you can love your father without having to be like him.
00:50:55Perhaps there'll be a miracle and he'll pull through, not that he deserves it.
00:51:01You should be at his side.
00:51:06I have no idea who that thingy was.
00:51:08She's right.
00:51:09There must be hurting and burning.
00:51:12Hell is not mocked.
00:51:16Missing Messiah is one thing.
00:51:17Book of Life in the Wrong Hands is quite another.
00:51:19It's potentially the end of everything.
00:51:20Finding Mightly, this is...
00:51:29Hello, Uriel.
00:51:31You looking for me?
00:51:33I need to speak to Aziraphale.
00:51:34Oh, if you mean the Supreme Archangel, you can talk to me.
00:51:38Aziraphale has, um, other plans.
00:51:41Wait, Supreme, you're not in charge.
00:51:43Well, strictly speaking, I have other plans for him, but you know.
00:51:47Potato, potato.
00:51:49I have a plan for everything.
00:51:51Well, it's more of a checklist.
00:51:54Quite long.
00:51:55But, uh, just the one item for Aziraphale.
00:51:59Not existing anymore.
00:52:02The Metatron.
00:52:05Sandalfon.
00:52:06I undid the war.
00:52:09Why?
00:52:11Oh.
00:52:13I don't know.
00:52:15Maybe the literal infinity of grinding slog.
00:52:20Carrying out the idiotic plans of Archangel's too vain or too nice to get the job done.
00:52:26I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.
00:52:30The second coming must be done properly.
00:52:34As it was foretold.
00:52:35But that means...
00:52:36It means destruction.
00:52:39It's my go this time.
00:52:42And it's going to be a clean slate.
00:52:43Very, very clean.
00:52:58Would you like to know how I did it?
00:53:00Would you?
00:53:02It's remarkably easy.
00:53:07I did it like this.
00:53:13Do you know what's going to happen to you now, Uriel?
00:53:15No, I...
00:53:16Nothing.
00:53:18Nothing's going to happen to you.
00:53:21All the nothing in the world.
00:53:25Oh, look.
00:53:27Look.
00:53:28It's happening right now.
00:53:51Uriel's gone.
00:53:52Gone?
00:53:52Gone where?
00:53:53Gone, gone.
00:53:53Murdered, I expect.
00:53:55There's a second death.
00:53:56We know.
00:53:56We worked out who did it.
00:53:58Michael.
00:53:58How did you know?
00:54:00Because you're too dim.
00:54:02He's too nice.
00:54:03And I'm confident that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.
00:54:08Meanwhile, things are just disappearing.
00:54:11Pop, pop, pop.
00:54:15And Canada.
00:54:17We've just lost Canada.
00:54:18Michael's destroying the Book of Life.
00:54:20No, no, no, no, no.
00:54:21It's impossible.
00:54:22We'll let you destroy it.
00:54:23A few pages here and they're fine, but no, no, no, no.
00:54:25It's too well made.
00:54:26Where is Michael now?
00:54:28Well, not on Earth, not in Heaven.
00:54:30Your guess is as good as mine.
00:54:33If the Book of Life can't be destroyed here, where can it be destroyed?
00:54:37There isn't anywhere.
00:54:39Yes, there is.
00:54:40We all fought for control of it during the Great War.
00:54:42My side lost.
00:54:43Eternal flame now.
00:54:44That would do it.
00:54:47Michael must have used the book itself to travel to the center of the universe.
00:54:51That's the only way of getting there.
00:54:52That is where you are very wrong, Angel.
00:54:55Time to go.
00:54:56You two, keep it all together.
00:54:57Earth, do everything you can.
00:54:59Yes, please do.
00:55:00You've always been so good at that.
00:55:02Worked so hard.
00:55:12Australia.
00:55:14What good's in Australia anyway?
00:55:16It's just stuff.
00:55:18People.
00:55:19Boomerangs.
00:55:21Big, bouncing rats.
00:55:31Wasn't that?
00:55:32Found him!
00:55:33And I found a lady.
00:55:34And I found my mission, too.
00:55:35We really should be going.
00:55:36It's to reach out to people.
00:55:37And do that with them reaching out.
00:55:39And make them feel well until the very end.
00:55:42Which hopefully won't happen.
00:55:48Come on, let's get started.
00:55:52How fast did you say this goes?
00:55:54What on earth?
00:55:54About 150 out there.
00:55:56A whole lot faster than light.
00:56:14Oi, oi.
00:56:18Step right up and no mistake.
00:56:20Easiest money you'll ever make.
00:56:22Come on, get around.
00:56:23Gotta say something as well.
00:56:24You know, a bit of patter.
00:56:26Come to me, all of you who are weary.
00:56:29And I will give you rest.
00:56:32Come to me if you are hurt or lonely.
00:56:36Bit dark, maybe.
00:56:38Looking back, I have a feeling that this is precisely the sort of thing that got me in trouble the
00:56:42last time.
00:56:43I'm with you this time.
00:56:45Don't worry.
00:56:46Speak to him.
00:56:49I only wanted to put my foot all the way down.
00:56:53I'm shopping at the speed of light.
00:56:55I don't want to make a super-spotting man.
00:57:17I'm shopping at the speed of light.
00:57:19I don't want to make a super-spotting man.
00:57:22Explode
00:57:35Come to me all ye I have a gift for you. He just say all ye have some elaborate bread
00:57:42and cheese
00:57:45Thank you, sorry more up
00:57:49You know what was an accident he mixed up the pill bottles I always wondered
00:57:56Loved him so much. I'll have a slice love
00:58:01Your sister in Bridlington. Hang on how she wants you to come home. Yeah
00:58:06Well, she said I brought shame on family. So she's too proud to apologize and your mum's ill
00:58:15Blessed are the lonely and the hungry come to me those who are lost
00:58:21For you shall find your way home
00:58:26Please take a piece there's plenty for all and blessed are you above all men
00:58:33Harry the fish
00:58:35You've taught me the way of the three cards
00:58:39You're like a son. I never had Josh. I mean, I did have a son and he doesn't speak to
00:58:44me, but if he did
00:58:45I couldn't be more chuffed
00:58:48Not only have they lost nail boy, they broke the vine logs fighting down here
00:58:54No, no, no, no, no, no
00:58:56Now that heaven's lost its stupid second coming, it's all gone moon and barrel bumpers
00:59:01Oh, they're the bad guys now
00:59:06No
00:59:07No, it's our time
00:59:10Isn't this pretty much what you said last time
00:59:13But now it will finally be me at the front of our army
00:59:18Marching into heaven and so on
00:59:27Oh
00:59:28Oh
00:59:44Your soul is important to us. Please hope
00:59:51You know, you went completely dead.
00:59:54Oh, I was.
01:00:04This doesn't feel like universal happiness.
01:00:07Does anybody know what's happening? My phone's dead.
01:00:10Where is anyone?
01:00:14Where did it go?
01:00:17But I'm coming back to Bricklings.
01:00:21You are a joybringer, Josh.
01:00:23And I wanted to tell you that I...
01:00:31Well, this is it, I suppose.
01:00:35Into your hands I commit my spirit!
01:00:39Again?
01:00:41I never really seem to get much of a go.
01:00:53Hello, Michael.
01:00:55Do you want to talk about this?
01:00:57I don't really feel like talking, thank you very much.
01:01:00I've got a lot to do. I'm burning it all.
01:01:05Air fryers.
01:01:06I'm the only one who knows there ever were air fryers.
01:01:09You poor thing.
01:01:10You must be so tired.
01:01:14Last time?
01:01:15Well, you've been doing everything, haven't you?
01:01:17So long.
01:01:19And no one ever said thank you, did they?
01:01:23Not once. Ever.
01:01:25You must have got so tired being overlooked, not being appreciated.
01:01:31For thousands of years, somebody had to make things work.
01:01:36Oh, and you were so good at that. So capable.
01:01:40I was. I was.
01:01:42And they were so stupid.
01:01:45You were Aziraphale and Gabriel and the Metatron.
01:01:50Do you remember the Metatron?
01:01:52He's here somewhere, I think.
01:01:54Oh, yes, I'm here.
01:01:56You still know I existed, Michael.
01:02:01Be quiet.
01:02:02Be quiet.
01:02:04Quiet.
01:02:04Quiet, right?
01:02:05We don't have to listen to you.
01:02:08You killed us.
01:02:09No, fuck you.
01:02:11Hm?
01:02:12I'm the only one who remembers.
01:02:15I remember everything.
01:02:17Strands, all the possibilities, everything that happened, everything that didn't.
01:02:25I remember it all. It's all in my head.
01:02:28Ah, it hurts.
01:02:30It's all in my head.
01:02:32Oh.
01:02:35It's over.
01:02:39Metatron did it first.
01:02:41He used to just...
01:02:43He used to just fiddle with things in the book.
01:02:45Get them how he wanted them, and I thought maybe I could do that.
01:02:48Maybe I...
01:02:49I...
01:02:50I'm the only angel who can make the original plan work.
01:02:54The great plan.
01:02:56I do understand.
01:02:59I just wanted to fix things.
01:03:02Yes, me too.
01:03:04But through love...
01:03:07And hope.
01:03:09Michael.
01:03:11What?
01:03:11There is only ever one way to fix things.
01:03:17And I'm going to do that now.
01:03:20What?
01:03:21What are you going to do?
01:03:23I'm going to forgive you.
01:03:27You...
01:03:28You can forgive me.
01:03:33I...
01:03:36I...
01:03:37I can't.
01:03:39I can't.
01:03:44Take my hand, quickie.
01:03:58Open.
01:04:11Someone might want to buy a book.
01:04:15As far as I can tell, the entirety of creation is us in this bookshop.
01:04:21I don't think you're going to get many customers.
01:04:27Broly, before anything else happens, there is one more thing that needs fixing.
01:04:33What?
01:04:34I need you to forgive me.
01:04:37Oh, come on.
01:04:38I need to hear you say it.
01:04:41Please, Crowley.
01:04:46You were right.
01:04:48No, don't do that dance.
01:04:50Well?
01:04:52I forgive you.
01:04:53I forgive you.
01:04:53I didn't...
01:04:54I forgive you.
01:05:02And it's just us.
01:05:06In the whole of everything.
01:05:10It's a place for us.
01:05:12We've got nothing.
01:05:15We've got nothing.
01:05:16We've got each other.
01:05:17And we've probably got some cocoa.
01:05:20And we've got lots of books.
01:05:22Have we?
01:05:26Good luck reading these.
01:05:28But that's...
01:05:35Even the Dickens.
01:05:38Well, if it's all come down to this, then there must be some sort of answer here, finally, to everything.
01:05:46Oh, yeah.
01:05:47100,000 blank books.
01:05:48But one with all the answers in them.
01:05:50Doesn't sound very likely, does it?
01:06:02Can I...
01:06:02Can I help you?
01:06:04I'm afraid all the books appear to be blank.
01:06:07Even the Dickens.
01:06:09I know you.
01:06:12You do?
01:06:13Yes.
01:06:14Oh.
01:06:15Listen, there is something familiar about you.
01:06:19Last time you saw me, I was a thousand feet high.
01:06:22Bright red.
01:06:23Lots of horns and fabulous teeth.
01:06:26Arguing with my son.
01:06:27Satan.
01:06:28You're Satan.
01:06:30That's really just a job title.
01:06:33It means the adversary.
01:06:35And I don't know if I still have a job.
01:06:38But yes.
01:06:39I was the Satan for a very long time.
01:06:44Hello, Crowley.
01:06:45How are you still here?
01:06:47Is that any way to greet an old friend?
01:06:49Oh, we were never friends.
01:06:51I want answers, and I want them now.
01:06:54I don't give answers.
01:06:56And God definitely doesn't.
01:06:58So, you're the devil.
01:07:01Can't have been much fun for you.
01:07:06Fun?
01:07:07It's not about having fun.
01:07:10It's about pride and honor.
01:07:12It's about refusing to acknowledge humans as superior.
01:07:15It's about challenging God.
01:07:17What?
01:07:17But you never really did, did you?
01:07:19Excuse me?
01:07:21The great revolt?
01:07:22The war in heaven?
01:07:23What was that then, eh?
01:07:24Two week holiday in Marbella?
01:07:26You knew what we didn't know, didn't you?
01:07:28You knew we couldn't win.
01:07:30You were never gonna win, were you?
01:07:32That wasn't the plan.
01:07:33I didn't know that.
01:07:34I thought we had a chance, and so did you.
01:07:37That's why you joined up.
01:07:38Oh, I don't remember why I joined you no anymore.
01:07:41I was tired, and I was angry.
01:07:44I wanted it all to make sense.
01:07:45And you seemed to care.
01:07:48I did care.
01:07:49Nah.
01:07:51You were just doing your job.
01:07:55Do you have a pen?
01:08:02What kind of pen do you need?
01:08:09Pass me a book.
01:08:10Which book?
01:08:12Well, it doesn't matter if it's all blank.
01:08:14Whichever one you give me is the right one.
01:08:16Bleak House.
01:08:22But that isn't a book of life.
01:08:25It is if we say it is.
01:08:28What are you two idiots doing now?
01:08:30I want answers.
01:08:32Oh, no.
01:08:33No, you can't do that.
01:08:35Oh, yes we can.
01:08:39Do you want to write in?
01:08:42Give me the pen.
01:08:48There were four of them in that bookshop, which was the whole world, an angel, a former demon, the devil
01:08:58himself, and one other, one who was there because they were omnipresent.
01:09:06They had always been there.
01:09:09They would always be there.
01:09:17As you say, Aziraphale, you didn't really need to summon me.
01:09:21I was already here.
01:09:23Yes, you can be everywhere, but that doesn't mean you'll talk to us, Lord.
01:09:30So, Crowley, what's your question?
01:09:32I thought you didn't answer questions.
01:09:34Time's done, Crowley.
01:09:35I'll answer one question from you.
01:09:38But it had better be a good one.
01:09:40Oh, it's a good one.
01:09:41What?
01:09:43It's the only one I've got.
01:09:45It's not the problem of evil, is it?
01:09:47Because I can tell you, I'm over being blamed for that one.
01:09:50No, no, not exactly that.
01:09:54No, just...
01:09:57Ask.
01:10:07Why make people and then punish them for behaving like people?
01:10:13Humans are gonna human.
01:10:15No matter what we do, there's nothing we can ever do about it.
01:10:16Oh, it is the problem of evil.
01:10:18Well, told you.
01:10:19So predictable.
01:10:20No, no, no, it's not the problem of evil.
01:10:22It's the...
01:10:23It's the problem of everything.
01:10:24But let's talk about people.
01:10:25They are born into a world that is against them in a thousand different ways.
01:10:32And then devote most of their energy to making it worse.
01:10:35Where you'll find the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil,
01:10:40is right inside the human mind.
01:10:43But a person isn't the worst thing they've ever done.
01:10:45And he won't know the best thing they've ever done.
01:10:47Why make them that way?
01:10:49That's free will.
01:10:50Free will?
01:10:50That's just a card trick, isn't it?
01:10:52Suckers think they're playing for real.
01:10:54The dealer knows.
01:10:55Nobody finds the lady unless she wants them to.
01:10:58What about you, Xerophel?
01:11:00About me?
01:11:01You?
01:11:03Do you have a burning question?
01:11:10I just wish it had been easier.
01:11:13I just wanted to do the right thing.
01:11:15You what?
01:11:17You just wanted to be left alone to read.
01:11:20You wanted to consume all the yummy human food, the lovely human music.
01:11:24You say all that as if it negates me wanting to do the right thing.
01:11:28Xerophel, you were the first angel to lie to me.
01:11:32You were lazy, gluttonous, prideful.
01:11:37Quite true.
01:11:38And I was also the second best angel you ever had.
01:11:41You were what?
01:11:42The second best angel?
01:11:43So who do you think the best angel was?
01:11:48This one.
01:11:49I was a terrible angel.
01:11:51No, no.
01:11:53No, you were the best of us.
01:11:56You cared so much about everything.
01:11:59You were an artist.
01:12:02You wanted to understand, to make better art.
01:12:05The rest of us, we were just characters in her book.
01:12:10We didn't ask questions.
01:12:13You were the only one of us who genuinely believed there had to be a sensible purpose to it all.
01:12:21I'm nobody's character.
01:12:23If I'm just a part of her story, then what am I doing still here?
01:12:30Do you want me to tell him or will you?
01:12:32I'm interested in what you have to say, Angel.
01:12:37Because it's a tidy way to finish.
01:12:41The two of you.
01:12:43The deity and the adversary facing off.
01:12:46And even shaking hands.
01:12:48And then it all ends for good.
01:12:51The cosmic game of chess is over.
01:12:56When we leave, you've just been a stand-in in a cosmic game of solitaire.
01:13:01Oh.
01:13:03It's...
01:13:04ridiculous.
01:13:06You know, Lord, I...
01:13:08I do have a question.
01:13:10Ask it then.
01:13:14Why...
01:13:14Why give me Crowley?
01:13:18Why make me complete?
01:13:21And then take it away?
01:13:24You know you won't get an answer.
01:13:31Because...
01:13:32You were able to value what most people never even know they have.
01:13:38Your love for him...
01:13:41was the messiest...
01:13:44silliest...
01:13:45most predictable thing in the universe.
01:13:50And it always made me smile.
01:13:55But that was then.
01:13:56That universe is...
01:13:59over.
01:13:59As I think are both of you.
01:14:04You still haven't answered the first question.
01:14:07What I want to know is...
01:14:09Why did you think it was a good idea?
01:14:11Even a sensible idea.
01:14:14To make an infinite universe.
01:14:17Run it for 6,000 years.
01:14:19And then just...
01:14:21tip the board over.
01:14:23The whole thing's lunacy.
01:14:25Everything ends.
01:14:26A story doesn't have to go beyond the last page of its book, Crowley.
01:14:30And that story is over.
01:14:31I don't accept that.
01:14:33And I do not accept that you're the one that gets to make all these decisions.
01:14:36Why should that be?
01:14:38Very well.
01:14:40I'll let you choose.
01:14:43This decision, this one decision, can be yours.
01:14:47What do you want?
01:14:50Do you want me to put everything back?
01:14:52The way it was?
01:14:56Can I talk?
01:14:57Very well.
01:14:58I'll give you privacy.
01:15:14So...
01:15:16What you want.
01:15:18Me?
01:15:18Why me?
01:15:20Because I only want one thing.
01:15:23And that's not what this is about anymore.
01:15:26What do you want, Crowley?
01:15:38You know what I want?
01:15:43I want a real universe.
01:15:49I want the people to have a chance.
01:15:52I want free will to be a real thing.
01:16:00People deserve the chance to live in the real world.
01:16:11Even if there are no angels.
01:16:17No demons.
01:16:22No paths.
01:16:27Ever again.
01:16:38I want to make a decision.
01:17:01so then he says i've got a better idea let's not and say we did
01:17:08so i thought well there you go
01:17:17yes made your decision
01:17:21we want you to create another universe one without angels
01:17:27or demons no god no satan
01:17:34a universe without a heaven and without a hell no great plan nothing ineffable it just starts
01:17:42with the big bang and then billions of years later with the heat death of the universe
01:17:47you know however it stops heat death isn't a deal broken you're asking god to create a godless
01:17:54universe
01:17:57neither of you could ever exist in such a universe
01:17:59you understand wait you're not going to indulge them in this nonsense are you
01:18:07yes yes i think i am
01:18:11you two fully comprehend the cost
01:18:15we know what we're asking for
01:18:19very well
01:18:24i'll make it i'll make the universe your way i'll even let an earth happen eventually
01:18:31there'll be humans and life in all of its mundane glory something that both of you will
01:18:38neither know nor experience them
01:18:41that doesn't matter
01:18:45say goodbye then
01:18:49so
01:19:00so
01:19:01so
01:19:11I don't know.
01:19:49Excuse me.
01:19:50Yes, I'm out.
01:19:51I was passing. I saw the show.
01:19:53Do you have any books on astrophysics?
01:19:56Astrophysics.
01:19:57Derek, do we have any books on astrophysics?
01:20:00Oh, is it then there, beside gardening?
01:20:04Opposite philosophy.
01:20:07I knew that.
01:20:08This way.
01:20:12Ah, here we are.
01:20:17Astrophysics for everyone,
01:20:18from the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.
01:20:20God, we've had this for years.
01:20:22I think I could probably give it to you for half-price.
01:20:27You have no idea how much that hurts me?
01:20:30Did I say something wrong?
01:20:32No, I shouldn't have said anything.
01:20:33Sorry. No.
01:20:35I wrote it.
01:20:38Oh, oh.
01:20:40Uh, well, right.
01:20:42Yes, you, you, I mean, you don't want your own book.
01:20:45Probably already got a copy.
01:20:47Two boxes in the garage.
01:20:49Um, well, uh, how about this?
01:20:52Um, yes, it's not exactly cutting edge, but...
01:20:56Oh, this is, um, Arthur Eddington's book on Relativity.
01:21:00Yes, second edition, I'm afraid.
01:21:01Oh, this, I've always wanted a copy of this.
01:21:03Oh, wonderful. This is my lucky day.
01:21:05Oh, good.
01:21:06Mine too.
01:21:08How so?
01:21:08Because I, um, have a book you want.
01:21:13Fair enough.
01:21:15Oh, 20 pounds. Wonderful. Thank you.
01:21:23Now, did you see we've got a couple of brown coxies?
01:21:26And that big book of astrophysics for everyone.
01:21:30No, no, he's, he's the author, Derek.
01:21:32Yes, he has two boxes in his garage.
01:21:34Oh.
01:21:35Definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.
01:21:36There you are. Enjoy.
01:21:38Uh, well, thank you.
01:21:46So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.
01:21:51How'd you know that?
01:21:52Hmm?
01:21:53Well, his name's in big letters.
01:21:56On the book, you're still holding.
01:21:58Well, aren't you going to go after him?
01:22:01Why would I possibly go after him?
01:22:03Well, you liked him.
01:22:05And it looked very much like he liked you.
01:22:16Oh, I mean, excuse me. Stop.
01:22:19Oh, sorry.
01:22:20Is everything okay?
01:22:23Oh.
01:22:25I told you two boxes.
01:22:26No, I know.
01:22:29Sorry, a bit puffed.
01:22:30No, I bought it.
01:22:33Would you, uh, could you sign it for me?
01:22:36Of course.
01:22:37What's your name?
01:22:38Uh, Fel.
01:22:38Aza Fel.
01:22:39With an S.
01:22:40Um.
01:22:41Oh, gee.
01:22:42Sorry.
01:22:47I need you to write your number down, too.
01:22:50For me.
01:22:52So I can ask you to dinner.
01:22:55And, uh, you'll say no.
01:22:57And, um, well, at least I'll have asked.
01:23:04Um.
01:23:06I'm not going to give you my number.
01:23:07No, no, no, no.
01:23:08Sorry.
01:23:09I'll wait for you.
01:23:11Where are you going, Tara?
01:23:16No.
01:23:20No.
01:23:22No.
01:23:26I haven't heard anything about it.
01:23:31It's okay.
01:23:31I can't think of you.
01:23:33Oh no.
01:23:34It's all confusion is nothing new, flash back the warm lights, almost left behind, soon a case of memories, time
01:23:50after some time.
01:23:51So, how was everything?
01:23:54It was scrumptious, absolutely scrumptious.
01:23:57I've never had anyone use that word in real life before.
01:24:01How will my mother use to say it?
01:24:02Right.
01:24:03Another one she used to say was Tickety Boo.
01:24:06Right.
01:24:06And Squiffy.
01:24:08Squiffy, yes.
01:24:09Hopelessly yet amusingly drunk.
01:24:11Yes.
01:24:12Yes.
01:24:13And so the book show.
01:24:15Ah, well, um, Derek, uh, he...
01:24:19Time after time, if you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting.
01:24:26Time after time, if you're lost, you can look and you will find me.
01:24:31Time after time.
01:24:34Time after time.
01:24:34.
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