- 8 hours ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 - Episode 06: Swapadakis
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Short filmTranscript
00:02you want to make the base useful let us build something useful on the base but in order to do
00:06that of course i have to charm the appropriations committee and then we have to deal with those
00:10vacuous vote whores in washington dc it's a vicious cycle oh that's oh my god that really
00:18opened up we agreed i had the night off oh yeah listen it's your anniversary happy anniversary
00:25thank you we can talk about it tomorrow oh well tomorrow's saturday and we should hit it hard on
00:30monday the universal day for starting work and also funding requests aren't due for another six
00:34weeks so i know the key to staying one step ahead is being two steps ahead at all times last
00:40summer
00:40we weren't and we got some funding for what the stupid frisbee golf course that nobody likes well
00:45that's actually called disc golf and it's pretty popular i played with some people in college
00:48that's the row bros yeah but now we're soldiers not stoner virgins afraid of real sports listen
00:54you guys enjoy it's your anniversary enjoy the dinner and i'm taking this with you that's his
01:00wine you can have mine abe did you not tell him we were going away this weekend no i did
01:09he just
01:10hasn't approved my leave yet but don't worry about it i've succeeded in getting leave last minute before
01:14yeah after a protracted game of cat and mouse i was able to attend half my uncle's funeral
01:19oh thank you from the colonel congrats no one thought you'd make it did you get the note
01:51so hey i just wanted to run something by you um it's celeste's idea but i'm on board too
01:55it's a little unconventional oh i know what's going on she wants to do weird sex stuff right
02:00oh no no no you know what happens is when a relationship starts to go south of a marriage
02:03yeah they read a cosmo article the next thing you know fingers are going places they should never
02:07be going right listen you're vanilla yeah and that's okay yeah okay because vanilla is the
02:12world's most popular flavor for a reason a little help for me look at this this is why i hate
02:18saturdays
02:18right because it's like you and me are the only two people working we sure are i just need to
02:23ask
02:23you for this weekend off for my anniversary once again you know i promise to work the next five
02:28saturdays which is plenty of time to finish by the deadline i don't want to cut it that close and
02:32also i gave you a day to celebrate your anniversary that's all you need you're celebrating a day in
02:36your life with a day my little frisbee go have you seen a little disc hey jan this yours yes
02:44it has
02:44my name on it yeah yeah okay let me show you something pal this disc belongs to me now oh
02:49my god
02:50what are you doing here i thought you were going on your big trip to bruges i saw celeste anniversary
02:55post that said y'all were cruising for a bruges and we were supposed to go today but then the
02:59colonel's making me work can't you just have somebody fill in okay yeah i'm just gonna go to
03:03the sha store and find some extra sha watch some sha in order i'm so sorry i'm freaking out right
03:07now
03:07okay okay look i have people fill in for me all the time remember last week when we had that
03:12inventory meeting on zoom that wasn't me that was regina from special ops okay but she did a
03:17presentation yeah we face swapped and she lip synced all you need to do is find yourself a
03:21regina and swap her in okay so it's like the indiana jones hand switch thing he swaps the golden
03:26statue for a bag of sand i just need to find a bag of sand a bag of sand
03:33with nothing better to do dare me to drink this hot sauce we share a bathroom so no too late
03:40oh that's a good bag of sand yeah it really is i need to go use our bathroom no no
03:45just use the
03:45use the teen centers i'm not gonna
03:53hey uh hey come on in
03:58is everything okay yeah why wouldn't it be oh no i i mean you did comment on celeste's anniversary post
04:04so
04:05oh yeah well that's the polite thing to do yeah you also commented hashtag love wins with six fire
04:10emojis yeah yeah that's i mean it had to be convincing yeah well i'm not convinced so that's why i'm
04:16gonna
04:17ask you one more time are you okay would a person who's not okay be pulling off a hat like
04:24this
04:25oh and you are pulling it off i'm doing i know it what is this it is rosé all day
04:32pink okay look
04:33i know that you're not over the situation with celeste and shaw but this is no time to be making
04:39emotionally charged hair choice it's not it's just a streak a terrible streak yeah a terrible streak
04:45yeah that's it i'm taking you off base you never take me off base especially on the weekends you didn't
04:52even let me drive you to urgent care that time they found your car in a ditch i'm willing to
04:56make an exception in light of this craft for help streak we gotta get this fixed asap you coming
05:00with me to my salon okay don't forget that off the base privileges can be revoked immediately if
05:05you can't hang oh i can hang no hat no hat and go change yeah of course i'm yeah yeah
05:16listen in
05:18the words of my grandmother when i pushed her down the slip and slide i just don't think this is
05:21a good
05:21idea the colonel already loves you really yeah yeah it's unconditional hey it's there no he doesn't
05:28not yet at least listen people need to be exposed to me in low doses to build up a tolerance
05:33it's like
05:34babies with peanuts right now if i give the colonel just a little bit of papa d every day
05:3820 years from now he's best man at my wedding what about if i teach you everything you need to
05:42know
05:42then we can cut it down to 10. come on i don't know if i'm gonna meet a model that
05:47likes me by then
05:49who am i kidding okay i got pretty good people instincts and i know when someone's desperate
05:56like this you should probably trust him i'm in yeah what do i need to bring nothing just your
06:01computer and a high tolerance for verbal abuse all right what snacks like sweet or savory snacks oh
06:06you don't need to worry about that the colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working it's his
06:08perfect food meat gum oh and by the way under no circumstances defend waiting in lines geneva
06:14conventions or paddington so let's go i got a training catch come on
06:21hey thank you so much for bringing me to your cool secret salon okay i'm just a regular person
06:26always good to see you zelda
06:32why is she calling you zelda look me bringing you to my salon and me letting you in on my
06:37personal
06:37life are two different things i live in a moral gray area i don't need people know much about me
06:42well you know my deepest darkest secrets they're not that dark one day they might be
06:46i'm i'm just trying to get you to open up yeah yeah i know that but i'll be right back
07:01and now they're kissing okay
07:05hey hey is everything uh chill out here yeah chill who is this blowout with the sad eyes your new
07:11partner don't worry about it she doesn't tell me anything either well i got it over the border
07:18you can take it from here hi oh yikes that seems like a tricky situation is she um like a
07:28friend of
07:28yours or zelda maybe we talked about this no we didn't oh yeah we did no we didn't and i
07:33would
07:33like to
07:37it's like hacking with some friends okay what's up colonel what's he doing here
07:43oh well with only six weeks to write our three page request we need a shortcut and papadakis here
07:49is our shortcut he's gonna hack into the other bases proposals and give us an unfair advantage
07:53i like the sound of that yeah fairness is overrated ah hey you have not earned meat gum my friend
08:02okay well i'm already in the usa gv spot and back door looks like they're requesting five million
08:10dollars to promote mental health unbelievable what a bunch of paddington's right we don't need to go
08:17uh mere controversial topics no no no what is your opinion of paddington soldier
08:24there's another word for a bear that lives in your house rent-free eating your marmalade
08:29a bum that's the one thank you this little bear he's got no job but he's got a briefcase what's
08:34in the briefcase you tell me i'll tell you what's in the briefcase not pants he doesn't wear any you
08:38know what i like the cut of your jib have yourself some meat gum hey okay all right look at
08:46this dynamic
08:47deal it's like uh i don't even need to be here right what am i doing here right what are
08:52you doing here
09:00i like hacking i know it's a nerd word but it's the only thing about computers i think sounds tough
09:05like gene hackman hacksaw ridge wow i really wish i knew something about computers since today's task
09:10seems pretty computer dependent we're okay here i think you can go ahead and take your little trip
09:15now trip yeah oh the trip oh yeah i actually totally forgot about it i mean i could check
09:19on tickets if they're still available great go have fun and we'll see you later if you need me you
09:23know
09:23all right you can get out of here bud just you know making sure you're all set dynamic duo
09:31you ever seen indiana jones where he pulls a little sandbag switch he thinks he got away with
09:39it till the big boulder comes rumbling thundering down after him you know why because the boulder wasn't
09:48fooled i'm the boulder i only saw the one with shia labeouf i'm a bit lost
09:58so yeah you seem pretty down and i'm just wondering if it has anything to do with that
10:02woman who kissed you and slapped you and gave you a bag what's in the bag nothing you need to
10:09worry
10:09about well no i'm not worried i'm just you know asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends
10:14answer i gotta go in here i'll be right back
10:29i know it's last minute yeah it's over three kilos but i'll i'll still take care of it for you
10:35oh i appreciate you lars you know i owe you all right do you want to leave it here
10:39or oh no no i feel much safer with it with me bless you
10:47that's just my friend you know what there's no way anything was gonna stop this anniversary trip and
10:52the colonel was pretty cool about it not that i'm thinking about the colonel but you know what just
10:55call me colin farrell because my head is already in brook oh i guess that makes me friend english
11:01oh well he's a good actor hey hey a little help hey you guys uh heading out on your little
11:07anniversary trip huh sure are yeah what are you two doing out here i thought you were working in that
11:11you hated disc golf you know what i apologize for that because now i realize the error of my ways
11:16papadakis and i were working away my brain was melting staring at that computer while we were hacking and
11:21he said i know the perfect antidote he says disc golf before i could say no he says how can
11:26you
11:26say no no before you say yes wow anyways so now i guess we're kind of throw bros oh wow
11:35you got a
11:35handshake too yeah yeah well we'll see you guys on uh monday just one second just one second here okay
11:40so
11:41this is kind of funny because i brought in papadakis here as glorified i.t i know yeah here you
11:45are just
11:46just hitting it off we've got this natural dynamic it's like it just works do you yeah push pull
11:51yin yang lennon and mccartney we're making music together making music crazy yeah here's the thing
11:56about him this yeah he yeah he's not a yes man you know what thank you sir i love a
12:04good challenge
12:05why don't we make this a foursome you and your friend versus me and my friend wife we're never
12:11gonna be friends let's go we got this let's go latte no i'm actually gonna go back i gotta go
12:24to
12:24the bathroom and it's a small town distinctive shoes so you should try out the secrets that i could
12:38discover find your way back to warrior two stretch those arms to the left and come back to the
12:45center breathe in yan yan shhh namaste maggie quinn sorry i just need your help with something
12:59i knew this moment would come and i am flattered that you ask but i simply cannot donate any more
13:04sperm apparently now my chromosomes are a threat to genetic diversity no that's no thank you i just
13:11need you to tell me in your expert opinion if this bag is full of drugs if you can't remember
13:14it's a good chance it is it's not my bag it is my friend's bag hey and why don't you
13:19just open it
13:20then let's see well that would violate my friend's trust but if i had to guess i would say that
13:26it
13:26feels like three kilos of something very powdery three kilos give it here oh yeah i'm sorry to
13:37inform you but this bag is not drugs you're sure honey i've been escorted out of amsterdam twice yes
13:43i'm sure okay well that is a relief to hear you know i mean the drugs part everything you've said
13:47is very disturbing what are you doing i said don't open it oh yes that is something you said yeah
13:52yeah my
13:52short-term memory is not good on account of real drugs but you'll be happy to hear that your friends
13:58cremated remains appear to be in excellent condition cremated remains shhh cremated remains
14:04why why would she be smuggling cremated remains across the border sometimes you just have to make
14:10a body disappear and even the local police are scary good at finding dna these days ah and i'm sort
14:16of an
14:17expert on dna on account of all the sperm i give out let me show you how we do it
14:26at suny binghamton
14:27oh yeah okay okay oh gun gun gun what relax it's a bb gun yeah we're not playing the normal
14:36crap ways
14:37playing colonel rule that's right more interesting makes it harder okay if we leave right now we could
14:44still make it to dinner at the pizza hut in the 500 year old castle and i know you want
14:48to do that
14:48that sounds lame balls i like you because you speak everything you have on your mind goes right
14:54out of your mouth you know what you're gonna make a great xo one day even for me maybe oh
15:01hey shah's
15:03rules hey he's bleeding oh my god are you okay totally unprovoked attack on an innocent bystand
15:10unprovoked yes one minute i'm the only guy in the world who can help you and the next you're
15:14flipping discs with this guy because you both hate paddington you know you should be more talking to
15:18people about how they're treated you've been indiana jonesing me this whole time i can't believe you
15:23did this to me you know first you first you leave me for that half a funeral six years ago
15:27and now this
15:28forget it i know we're done you know what you know i'm gonna give you the next five weekends off
15:32and
15:33you can go visit all the tiniest countries in europe and have boring sex there okay you've gone way past
15:39being co-workers to being codependent obsession well you just work together i used to blame you
15:45for ruining our marriage but now i'm realizing it takes two to play frisbee golf and our sex
15:49by the way is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes quite kinky okay i just wanted a nice weekend
15:57with my husband for our anniversary and neither of you wanted to give me that the only difference is
16:02only one of you vowed to put me first for the rest of your life
16:08that hurts and this hurts too my nose
16:19so i stole your bag you don't say get in what is going on with you i opened the bag
16:26so i know that
16:27there's remains in there which i can't unknow or unsmell and i need you to know that i'm your
16:33friend dana i'm gonna do whatever i can to help you okay i'll call an attorney i'll call a funeral
16:38home i'll call a doctor it's probably too late for a doctor but but i will do whatever you ask
16:43me okay
16:43because i know that you would do the same for me maggie yeah they're dog ashes they're dog ashes
16:50yes they're my sweet little paprika to be exact wait what oh no why were you being so secretive
17:00about it because i told you repeatedly i didn't want to talk about it i'm just saying that sometimes
17:04being a friend is just being there well passivity is not my strong suit but but i'm gonna you know
17:11get working on that i can't believe this stole the bag yeah i suck i'm no i can't believe that
17:18you
17:18were willing to do anything for me like that is that's sweet you're a real one
17:27so that girl that you saw me arguing with at the salon okay that was actually my ex-girlfriend
17:32annie okay yeah we lived together in germany and for some reason we kept adopting elderly greyhounds
17:38which i do not recommend because at first they're already like little skeletons and then by the end
17:43they're tiny grim reapers lurking around your home just waiting to break your heart oh yeah paprika was
17:50the last dog we adopted together and when she died a couple weeks ago i asked annie to do me
17:56a favor and
17:56drive her ashes across the border so they didn't get caught up in customs and the sketchy guy at the
18:02antique store was hooking me up with an urn oh i'm so sorry for your loss okay i guess talking
18:09about
18:09things isn't so bad wow that relationship with your ex seems really complicated yeah the sharing
18:14portion is over okay it's ridiculous and it it keeps happening i know i know look i'm sorry about
18:21the trip okay i know i do this i do blame work and the colonel for our relationship problems but
18:26you're
18:26right it's my fault too okay from now on when it is our time the colonel no longer exists hey
18:33why is the
18:34door lock he has a key okay it's just for emergencies and snacks i will change the locks
18:40all right good listen up i need you to work next weekend i can't do it yeah you have to
18:45do it i'll
18:46tell you why because i was thinking about the appropriations but we're never going to get the
18:49funding we need to fix everything that's broken on the base i think we turn stroopstorf into a
18:54destination for like summits and peace talks and maybe even war planning okay okay yeah secure low
19:00profile destination with high end accommodations sounds useful but it's a bad time for that bad
19:04time for that okay i need you to take this proposal okay to the commander of benelux and wait three
19:12days
19:12for a response because it's time sensitive okay we need permission and he is at a conference in paris
19:18and i need you to take this public affairs officer with you because she is going to write the press
19:25release
19:25if you in fact get permission i have always wanted to go to paris
19:36let's grab these pretzels and uh oh my god no these are the ones i told you to stop getting
19:41they're too dry i mean i'm gonna eat them anyways but i'll make a list
19:48hey colonel yeah hey colonel hey um thank you hey listen man i've been through so many divorces
19:57i could smell one coming from a mile away i just thought maybe a little febreze would take the stink
20:01off look some of the things i said i didn't mean it's just that this uh working relationship
20:11is important to me yeah yeah yeah me too i mean i'm uh you know i'm to me you're my
20:20favorite uh
20:22co-worker i've ever had like i feel like we're really you know we're so uh perfect together that
20:30when you go away i'm like what am i gonna do i'm who can i co-work with and i
20:34can't really with anybody
20:35so i got something in my eye right now i got something ah paprika oh paprika oh that's that
20:47explains it i didn't yeah it doesn't taste like paprika
20:58sir permission to not be your friend anymore i'll pop it out because that whole thing was fake
21:02i know it started out that way but like all great movies and it turned into something real and i'm
21:06just here to let you know that it is not going to work out between us hell i couldn't handle
21:10being
21:10your fake friend i think the real thing you'd kill me guess what i'm trying to say is goodbye man
21:17goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend
21:23i didn't earn this meat gum
21:26have a good life what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped
21:34it's going so well
21:37you
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