- 5 hours ago
Shameless S05E13 H 264
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πΊ
TVTranscript
00:01Tickets is waiting for the Chats with Express.
00:05Oi!
00:05Come watch Pikes making a mess of the lives they were given by him upstairs.
00:11And kids there convinced aren't actually theirs.
00:15Wicked!
00:16This is what sounds on earth will ever replace.
00:20Kids need your money.
00:22My wife's in your face.
00:23Cos this people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
00:30To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
00:32These are Chatsworth Estate.
00:36Basic. Essentials.
00:38We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
00:44Well you sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
00:49Imagine you're Britain without Chatsworth Buccaneers.
00:52Who've come on your face for the price of a beer.
00:55Eh?
00:57Make Poverty History Cheaper Drugs Now!
01:02Make Poverty History Cheaper Drugs Now!
01:06He-he-he-he-he-he!
01:07Scatter!
01:10Bye!
01:18One minute you're hanging out on street corners.
01:21Shortest skirt.
01:22Glossiest lips.
01:23Hoping boys will notice.
01:25Never mind talk.
01:26Next minute you're stuck in watching your mates going about the fucked up love lives on Jeremy
01:30Kyle.
01:31Trying to come to terms with the fact that you've got priorities and stretch marks.
01:37Single parents.
01:38Bane of society so they say.
01:40Root of all evil.
01:42Back then bottle of cider and a bag of chips and I was anybody's.
01:45No such thing as dating.
01:47Does my arse look big in this?
01:50Huge.
01:53Does my arse look big in this?
01:56What arse?
02:09That one's mine.
02:14Dad's gonna melt.
02:16You sure about having Katie?
02:18Of course!
02:19I don't wanna spoil your night.
02:21How could she spoil my night?
02:26Thirty years.
02:34Oh, fucking hell.
02:35Mormons.
02:38Brewery do, Frank.
02:39Gotta look my best.
02:44You're good.
02:47Don't wait up.
02:49Is that familiar?
02:52Oh, Karen, where do you want us?
02:54Hey, Karen.
02:55Customer complaints, please.
02:58I don't want a Todger Dodger pulling my pipe.
03:00You've seen it?
03:01Fingers like dildos.
03:03Equal rights for gender benders now, is it?
03:05Have you washed your hands recently?
03:08Oh!
03:22Another complaint.
03:29Too ethnic.
03:35Fascist cunts!
03:38ante.
03:38All technology?
03:45Well...
03:48there's something that's fresh.
03:50It's definitely descriptions.
03:51I've reached Dix.
03:52Hi.
03:55You look...
03:57gorgeous.
03:59Heh.
04:01Hmph.
04:08What the fuck do you think you're doing?
04:11Do you know what this shite does to your lungs?
04:14Everything all right?
04:14It's nothing to do with him.
04:16It's not a cat handle.
04:18Chill out, ma'am. Everyone's at it.
04:20Not everyone's got a name like Carib.
04:23Magistrates are going to love you.
04:24Worst things he could be doing, love.
04:27At least he's keeping his head down.
04:28Who asked you? Love.
04:30He's off.
04:31Best way with teens.
04:33Pull on the reins and they'll bolt.
04:35Fact.
04:36Where did you get it?
04:38A bit of weed.
04:39He's bound to dabble at some point.
04:41You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, in your game?
04:43Meaning?
04:43If you've given him one crummer, that's shite.
04:46You better watch your gov, lady.
04:48I don't supply kids.
04:50Where did you get it from?
04:52Did you get it off of her?
04:54Don't be stupid.
05:09I can't decide.
05:14I am starving.
05:18All sounds gorgeous.
05:20Is it just me, or is it quiet in here?
05:22Like we should whisper.
05:25I've had a list of questions in my head.
05:27What, in case we ran out of things to say?
05:29Yeah.
05:32Ask me something.
05:34We haven't run out of things to say yet.
05:36Anything.
05:37All right.
05:40How come you're single?
05:42A darling like you?
05:48The early pit bull catches the rabbit.
05:52Shane!
05:53Twat!
05:55It was an accident.
05:56I'm sorry.
05:57You're the accident!
05:59Ever thought about running away?
06:01Or getting a proper job?
06:03That'd be an idea.
06:04It's always the ones you love the most that get all the shit.
06:07It's hard enough making it look equal with two.
06:09What are you on about?
06:11I don't know how you manage it with your tribe.
06:13What does she mean, ma'am?
06:15All this.
06:16Insults.
06:17Violence.
06:18You must be the favourite.
06:21Yeah.
06:22Shut the fuck up, Gimp.
06:24See?
06:25You've got to cover it somehow.
06:26It's not fair on the others.
06:27Come on.
06:29Enough's enough.
06:30Give the lad a love.
06:37Breathe a word, and I'll break your neck.
06:41Yeah.
06:42Come on.
06:43Right.
06:48Shall we get another bottle?
06:50Push the boat out.
06:52Thanks, mate.
06:55Two kinds of chips.
06:57Yeah, it's bollocks, isn't it?
06:59You can tell I've not been out in ages.
07:00It's not that easy when you've got a kid.
07:03Yeah.
07:06So who's minding her?
07:07Mum and Dad.
07:10Don't have to talk about her, you know.
07:12No, I want to.
07:14Johnny's at my mam's.
07:15Who's Johnny?
07:16My son.
07:17Oh.
07:19What's it like?
07:20Hard work.
07:21Like I said.
07:26I used to think people who went on blind dates were desperate.
07:29It's a bit different to a blind date, though.
07:32When I saw your picture, well, I was well up for it.
07:36What picture?
07:44Oh, shit.
07:57Oh, shit.
08:00Yeah, come home, then.
08:01You're sworn in your papers I saw.
08:04I'm not taking all the shit.
08:06It was you and Ian that did this.
08:08I said, come home.
08:11Jamie?
08:18Good night.
08:20Internet date.
08:21Why did you lie to me?
08:23It was Jamie and Ian's idea.
08:24You told me he was Jamie's mate.
08:25You thought he was the best match.
08:27Thought.
08:28I'm having a limo party this Sunday if you're up for a good night, ladies.
08:32He was dead keen.
08:33Loads were, you had like, 20-odd hits.
08:36Bit of PR to drum up business.
08:40Desperatesingleparents.com.
08:41What did they put?
08:43Lonely mother of one seeks unattached bore for nights in playing Scrabble.
08:46Where's Ian? He'll come.
08:48No, I'm a party Sunday.
08:49Is he boring?
08:50You know what I mean.
08:51Did you fancy him?
08:52Irrelevant.
08:53Ritual humiliation's dealt with that.
08:56Lillian?
08:57What did they put?
08:58That you're great.
08:59That you're up for a laugh.
09:04Dex.
09:05This is Karen.
09:07Sorry.
09:08Shouldn't have lied.
09:14Glad you did.
09:16Really?
09:19Not yet.
09:20You dick.
09:22Do you want a drink?
09:23You're always welcome here if it gets too much at home.
09:26Sorry about my mum.
09:28And thanks for sticking up for me.
09:35Twice as good as the shit you've been getting.
09:39Yeah.
09:40On me, love.
09:41Keep it strong.
09:42I wish I could.
09:45I wish I could.
09:59I wish I could.
09:59Vodcast, please.
10:09He seems dead keen.
10:11Yeah, he's nice.
10:12I like him.
10:16Let your hair down for once.
10:19Upstairs is free.
10:28Go on.
10:29Ladies first.
10:41Sit down.
10:43Sit down.
11:11I don't know where.
11:23Again?
11:24Yeah.
11:26I need some water.
11:53I can't handle your beer or I can't handle me.
12:06Dex?
12:10Wake up.
12:14Dex?
12:15Dex?
12:17Dex?
12:23Jesus Christ.
12:24Dex?
12:36Dex?
12:38Dex?
12:40Dex?
12:43Dex?
12:45Dex?
12:46Dex?
12:5430 years since our first date, you're still exactly the same.
12:58Happy anniversary, babes.
13:07No pulse.
13:12What have you done?
13:13Nothing. Did you shock him?
13:15When did that kill anyone?
13:17What did you eat?
13:18Steak.
13:20Peanuts?
13:20No.
13:21Must be something.
13:22What's the last thing that he ate?
13:25The E.
13:35You haven't.
13:39I'm really sorry. I honestly thought he swallowed his tongue.
13:43He still owes us two canisters of Entenox from last time, that's what.
13:47The E.
13:47The E.
13:50The E.
13:52The E.
13:55The E.
13:57The E.
14:08The E.
14:10The E.
14:13The E.
14:18The E.
14:18The E.
14:18The E.
14:18The E.
14:19The E.
14:23The E.
14:23The E.
14:24The E.
14:25The E.
14:28The E.
14:29The E.
14:30The E.
14:32The E.
14:36The E.
14:44The E.
14:45The E.
14:51The E.
14:54The E.
15:04The E.
15:25The E.
15:30The E.
15:35The E.
15:36The E.
15:40The E.
15:40The E.
15:41The E.
15:41The E.
15:41The E.
15:43The E.
15:46The E.
15:56The E.
15:59The E.
16:12The E.
16:13The E.
16:15The E.
16:15The E.
16:21The E.
16:22The E.
16:23The E.
16:23The E.
16:25What's that?
16:28He's dead to the world.
16:33Quick, come on.
16:42Hide!
16:45The summer's gone
16:50And all the leaves are falling
16:53Tis you must stay
16:57Tis you must go
17:00And I must stay
17:08Tis you must stay
17:33Sorry babe
17:35It's his fault
17:36He said one more pint
17:38Oh, it's full of shit
17:44What?
17:50A pair of mug shots all over that website
17:55Billy, get rid of the E's
17:57All of them
17:59I'll have to delete the emails
18:01He'll have copies
18:02Jim
18:03Yeah
18:03Snide batch
18:05Offload them
18:08Where's the rug?
18:09In the yard
18:09Go and get rid of it
18:12Jesus
18:15You'll have to scrub the whole pub down
18:25I've been looking for you mate
18:29Don't touch it
18:30Let me help you
18:31Leave it
18:32I can manage
18:33I said leave it
18:34It's not worth it
18:35It's not worth it
18:39Is there something wrong?
18:40Does it look like there's something wrong?
18:43Need to get out more mate
18:46Limo party on Sunday if you're up for it
19:02Oh
19:04This better be good
19:07Alright darling, won't be a minute
19:09Morning
19:12Have you got your purse handy?
19:15Aye ya love
19:16Do you want to see some breakfast?
19:23Oh Jamie's been on
19:24Been them
19:26Contaminated apparently
19:43You're gonna regret this?
19:48It's probably been six years since it were cleaned under there
19:50So I want to see some effort
19:52Sweat
19:53If necessary
19:57Morning Mrs Thompson
19:58How you doing love?
19:59You alright?
20:00Good to see ya
20:01You give us a shout if you need help, okay?
20:05It's commerce Shane
20:06Not help the fucking aged
20:07I bet she buys more
20:09What?
20:10Well who comes to till with one thing in a basket?
20:13It's human nature, Von
20:15No one wants to look like a tight cunt
20:41Stay to that!
20:43You'll have to start again
20:44It's a jumble sale effect
20:45What?
20:46Well shoppers are drawn to it
20:47Especially bargain hunters
20:49Oh aye
20:50Yeah
20:50It's instinctive
20:52People want to grab don't they?
20:53They don't want to mess up something that's all neat and tidy
20:56People will fill a trolley load with this lot
20:58Yeah
20:59Yeah
20:59It's another form of OCD
21:01It's like we all get little bits of it
21:03I can't have a shit unless my bath mat's at a right angle
21:08Wines and beers
21:09All along there make it look like a right fucking tip
21:12Mhm
21:13You're good
21:17Arsley girl
21:19Really good
21:23Here we go
21:28Burn
21:29Burn
21:31Burn
21:32Burn
21:32Burn
21:33Wash
21:33I bought you that
21:36Teach us to sit your nosy next time you think someone's desperate
21:38Didn't think you was desperate Mandy
21:40Get me
21:40Yeah
21:41You're right
21:42Depending on the room
21:51You're right
21:51Over there
21:51Ugh
21:52Ugh
21:53Ugh
21:55Bye
21:56No
21:56No
21:56No
21:56No
22:03No
22:04No
22:08No
22:16Oh, my God.
22:48Oh, my God.
23:14Oh, my God.
23:39That's news.
23:39Have you heard?
23:40They found a body.
23:47Gun down in cold blood.
23:50Poor mate.
23:51I blame the parents.
23:59Chill out.
23:59It's not him.
24:01There's no point in going under.
24:02I know.
24:03I'm trying.
24:03People will notice.
24:06You've got to come here looking first.
24:07So what if they do?
24:09You left drunk.
24:11You fell in a ditch.
24:15I don't want to lose you.
24:19You won't.
24:21You've got to keep it together for Mandy.
24:39Hi, dear.
24:40Go on.
24:42Stay open later.
24:44I've got kids, Shane.
24:45Unders to wash.
24:46Bugs to clean.
24:47I'll do it.
24:47Nick, late trade off at garage.
24:49With Christmas puddings.
24:50Perfect for the munchies.
24:52Let me.
24:56You've got to get yourself some dinner if you're going to be staying late.
25:03Just fuck it then.
25:04Cheers.
25:09Hey.
25:11What's that programme on the telly?
25:14How clean is your pub?
25:19You can't do this.
25:21You can.
25:22Look at me.
25:24I've got to the police.
25:26Tell them it was me.
25:27It was an accident.
25:29They'll know you couldn't have dumped him alone.
25:31I won't mention you.
25:33They won't just leave it at that.
25:34They'll drag me in.
25:36I haven't even got an alibi.
25:40I just think of Katie.
25:42I can't stop thinking about Katie.
25:46Softened the blow of the shame of having off his scabby silly from the end of our road.
25:51I was only twelve.
25:52She had curly teeth and four grey hairs on her melanoma.
25:56But after twelve pints of this stuff, no fucking way did I notice.
26:03Happy fucking days.
26:05Can't get you another.
26:07On me house, mate.
26:10I've got an idea.
26:11And that was the last time I saw him.
26:14He'd just been blown out.
26:16Poor lad.
26:18Oh, it was.
26:21You can't blame him for seeking solace in the company of an ageing Lothario.
26:27Same way.
26:28Yes.
26:31So I offered him a pint.
26:33Good.
26:34Oh, yeah.
26:35Nice lad.
26:36If a tad naive.
26:38He asked my advice on the perils of a first date.
26:43Start as you mean to go on, son, I said.
26:47Only an imbecile would tell a bird to stop talking.
26:50But to tell her that her gob is a work of art while it is kept firmly shut are the
26:58words of a genius.
27:06Yes.
27:09Well, then we left.
27:14Together.
27:16Yeah.
27:18Then what?
27:19What?
27:19We went to the chippy.
27:23Lent him five up.
27:25We had chips.
27:27He had gravy.
27:30Then I walked him to the bus stop.
27:32And that was the last time I saw him.
27:36Come here.
27:40Again.
28:00Work.
28:02For her.
28:04Hope it's not performance related.
28:05She likes what I'm doing.
28:08She likes me.
28:10I think.
28:13Yeah.
28:13And actually, I quite like her.
28:15Well, if you tidy yourself up a bit, you might be in with a chance.
28:19Yeah.
28:19Yeah.
28:19I've got a better bonnet than that stamp for a start.
28:23They do like a good out of here, them look.
28:35What the?
28:43See you, love.
28:50Got any doilies?
28:51Doing a bit of PR on Sunday.
28:54Fancy it.
29:00Where the hell did you get it?
29:03Sorry.
29:04I'll pay.
29:06Promise.
29:08Keep him occupied.
29:10Shall we put the TV on?
29:13Plenty of fluids.
29:15Right.
29:15I fucking love you, Amelia.
29:17I love you too.
29:18So, what are you doing?
29:19What's up with him?
29:20A baddie.
29:23Here you've got something.
29:26Right.
29:27That's it.
29:29I fucking love you too.
29:31And I love you too, son.
29:34I wish I was your son.
29:36Tesney!
29:37Shit.
29:41Tesney, are you in there?
29:43Hide him.
29:44Where?
29:44Take him for a drive or something.
29:47Quick.
29:51He's gone out with Paddy.
29:52Paddy?
29:53Nothing to do with me if they just bonded.
29:55Kids need a father figure.
29:57Depends.
29:58Who the father figure is.
30:00Meaning.
30:02He'll get bored.
30:09Get your hands off me nuts.
30:13Come with me party if you want though, kid.
30:16Have as many as you want then.
30:18I fucking love you, Mickey.
30:26I'm sorry I've lost him.
30:31At least punters pay if they puke in the limo.
30:34You look after him.
30:35I'm gonna clean meself up.
30:42It's all my fault.
30:44Throwing up's a good thing.
30:45I'd never forgive meself if anything happened to him.
30:52Hey Shane!
30:56How did it go then?
30:58Found she a beer?
31:01Come and pack your arse.
31:07Fittiest man on the planet.
31:11Not afraid to show his feelings either.
31:16That's a real man.
31:18I'd love to dance with him.
31:33You need to eat something.
31:42It's not your fault you know.
31:47There's so much he said he wanted to do.
31:49What about you?
31:52But he's dead.
31:54You'd be as good as dead banged up for the next 20 years.
32:02Do you know what I always wanted to do?
32:04What?
32:06Learn to play the guitar.
32:12Piano definitely.
32:14See the pyramids.
32:16Empire State Building.
32:20I thought my look had changed.
32:25Really liked him Ian.
32:59Are you sure?
33:01Might be the last one I have.
33:05I'm gonna run meself in.
33:07Why?
33:08I've got a witness.
33:11Call that an alibi.
33:13Can I buy you a drink Frank?
33:17Well this does Dolly Parton sleep on her back.
33:19You're being ridiculous.
33:21Leave her alone.
33:22She's got her own mind.
33:24Pints.
33:26Karen.
33:26Couple of these.
33:46Your health.
33:47My health.
33:49My health.
33:50Just think about it before you do anything rash.
33:52I've done.
33:54Nothing else I can do.
34:01Chesney.
34:02He's woken up.
34:07Hiya love.
34:09Will he be alright?
34:10He's awake it's a start.
34:12How are you son?
34:14Do you think he wants anything?
34:15Do you want anything Chesney?
34:19Shit.
34:21Prolapse.
34:23The chances of two people snuffing it would be tiny love.
34:26Chesney.
34:27Hey.
34:29Are you with us son?
34:30Is there anything that you want love?
34:35Any chance of a double cheeseburger and chips?
34:48If you get this lot cleared away by tea time you can start on them fags.
34:52Then I might let you go on early.
34:54Bon.
34:59What the fuck do you think you look like dressed like that?
35:05Mum will do her tea.
35:07Not fish fingers though.
35:08She hates him.
35:10And she'll need a bath.
35:11Don't have to do this.
35:12Tell mum no bubbles.
35:14Still got that rash on the back of her leg.
35:15Bless her.
35:22Dex?
35:25I walked into the wrong party or what?
35:39A ditch?
35:40You're on the corner from mine.
35:41It must have felt like shit.
35:43He's dead.
35:50Sometimes when I haven't here yet, it wipes me out.
35:54So why would you take him?
35:55I don't normally.
35:57We were getting on so well, I didn't want to spoil the night.
36:03So what do you remember?
36:06Just bits.
36:10Remember going upstairs?
36:12That's why I'm here now.
36:17What time did I leave?
36:20Can't remember.
36:21I was pretty messed up too.
36:23Were you angry?
36:24That wasn't there when you woke up.
36:27Did seem a bit out of order.
36:29Yeah.
36:31So can we, erm...
36:34Can we go out again?
36:37Think you can handle it?
36:42Right, I want you up front with me.
36:44You can start on this.
36:45That stuff's good, but it needs elbow grease.
36:47So put you back into it.
36:49Don't have to dock your wages, okay?
36:50Why me?
36:53Shall I, er...
36:54Shall I do as a brew?
36:55Oh, brilliant.
36:58He's only doing this to get in your knickers.
37:00What?
37:01Serious.
37:02Look at him.
37:04Do you fancy a biggie?
37:14All planned for tonight.
37:17Not much.
37:18Fancy coming round to mine?
37:22Yeah.
37:22Ever had a threesome?
37:24Me, you and Stan.
37:26He's very open-minded.
37:29Put the close sign up, Hasselhoff.
37:33What's your policy on early retirement?
37:41Shame about that, it were good.
37:44It would have only ended in tears.
37:46Nice move.
37:48Don't you get any ideas?
37:51All right.
37:53Thanks.
37:55That was our gin.
37:58Snide he's my arse.
38:00The corpse is alive and well.
38:02They're buying our Mandy a drink.
38:12See you soon, lad.
38:14I loved it out of yours.
38:15You and Paddy are top.
38:21Oi.
38:22In.
38:23Oh, here she comes.
38:24Back to smother you.
38:26Wrapping them in cotton wool won't teach them.
38:28The Art of Parenting by Mimi Maguire.
38:30Rush out and buy it.
38:31You might just fuck up your kids.
38:32My kids aren't fucked up.
38:34You wanna take a look at yourself before you start on me.
38:37Oh, it's a struggle for you, isn't it?
38:39You try bringing up two kids in a place like this.
38:41His first words were what's a packet because it likes a you.
38:44Hang on!
38:44He was beaten up four times the first week he started school.
38:48Me and her being expelled from three different schools for starting fights before they come to batter her.
38:53Do you think I don't know about that shit?
38:56One, I'd never say Packy.
38:59Two, Paddy got lifted that many times by the coppers in the first five years after stepping off that boat.
39:06Everyone assumed he was a poor bomber.
39:10She looked after me, Mum.
39:13He was ill.
39:14Ill?
39:16Yeah.
39:16But she fixed me.
39:18Are you okay now?
39:22No.
39:23Thanks for looking after him.
39:30Do you fancy a drink?
39:36Later.
39:37Bring Paddy over.
39:39Might.
39:41Think about it.
39:55Same again.
39:56Graham.
39:57Hey, Mandy.
39:58Is that that dead cunt?
40:02Village idiot.
40:03Frank Gallagher.
40:05You owe me a fiver.
40:08Do I?
40:09Yeah.
40:10The other night.
40:11Remember?
40:12We left here.
40:14You and me.
40:15I lent you a fiver.
40:19We had chips.
40:21You had gravy.
40:23I hate gravy.
40:25Must have been shit-faced.
40:27You didn't say that again, eh?
40:29Lazarus.
40:32Ah.
40:33Come to Papa.
40:36Hey, Mandy.
40:37Words of advice.
40:38Our conscience is that internal voice.
40:42That screams.
40:44I'm just not like nothing's happened.
40:45That some fucker might just be watching our every move.
40:53Not so dead to the world after all, eh?
41:01What's he on about?
41:03Nothing.
41:04It's just a piss-head.
41:08Come on.
41:10Something's going on here.
41:12Ain't it?
41:14You can tell me.
41:22We thought you were dead.
41:26So we rolled you up in a rug.
41:28And dumped you in a ditch.
41:34Sorry.
41:37I didn't think we had any choice.
41:39I was confused.
41:40At what point did it seem like a good idea to fucking dump me?
41:45I'm sorry.
41:47Don't be hungry with me.
41:48You don't get it.
41:49Why can't we just start again?
41:51Put it all behind us?
41:52Come on, we're having fun.
41:55It's just too weird.
41:57Sorry.
42:00Tell you what.
42:05Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
42:15If he can't take a joke, better off without him.
42:27Hey, Vicky.
42:28A guest.
42:32Come in.
42:33Sit down.
42:35Grab a bolivant.
42:36Nice carpet.
42:40Help yourself.
42:52Hiya.
42:53Any beers?
43:12It's harder for us.
43:13Everybody needs somebody.
43:15Just gotta get on with it.
43:16Be resourceful.
43:18Makes us twice as capable.
43:20We've gotta find an upside.
43:21Somewhere.
43:22Hi.
43:24Hi.
43:26He's cute.
43:28He's after his dad.
43:35Been thinking.
43:38Could be mates.
43:41So what if it's complicated?
43:42What's the other option?
43:44So on your own all your life?
43:45Give up altogether?
43:48No chance.
43:50Aren't you a break?
43:51Do you wanna go to the park or something?
43:53Go on, I'll spring for the ice cream.
43:55A copper?
43:56What is it?
43:57Were you a men in uniform?
43:59So you want me to teach you full play?
44:02You're not trying to poke a hole in a fence?
44:04How come the filth are all over us like a rush?
44:06Somebody's feeding them information.
44:08Mandy.
44:11Oi!
44:12Sheep shockers!
44:14T-C-F-R-E-V-E-Rs.
44:16T-C-T.
44:18T-C-O-P-A-T-C-E-N-T.
44:38T-C-T.
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