- 2 weeks ago
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00:01Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about
00:05needs to wash their bags back.
00:08So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunks sending prices sky high.
00:13Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.
00:17Now you've got your condemnation.
00:20Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
00:23Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
00:27Is revolution a word?
00:30Or was it never?
00:31Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
00:37Well, for fuck's sake.
00:38We live in Manchester and they charge us for water.
00:43I wandered lonely as the cloud making mushrooms rarely fouls green and pleasant land and ancient sire.
00:51Fuckies, fuckies, fuckies, fuckies.
00:54It's not theirs anymore.
00:57This is our England now.
01:00Party!
01:09I always felt I was different.
01:10I never believed that I fitted in.
01:13Life is ordinary.
01:15But I was special.
01:16I used to think, I'm not a part of this.
01:18I can't be.
01:20I must be adopted.
01:24Look, my real mum and dad were film stars.
01:27Yeah.
01:27And they couldn't look after me because of their careers and that.
01:30But one day, one day, they'll come back for me.
01:35My real parents will tip up in a big fuck off limo and whisk me off to a better life.
01:40Excuse me, mister.
01:42I really want to do magic.
01:43Can you teach me?
01:45And then I learned.
01:47Fuck off, kid.
01:48That there's no such thing as magic.
01:50Or the tooth fairy or Father Christmas.
01:53It's like flying pigs.
01:54They don't exist.
01:55We just have to make do with what we've got.
01:58Come on, it's good for you.
02:00Eh?
02:01Look, if you don't eat it right, then Mr Cuddles' banana brains will get splattered all over the wall.
02:08I know how you feel.
02:09Can't do a thing with this today.
02:11It's as far as the gymnast chest.
02:12Helicopter.
02:16Look, if you don't eat it right, then the helicopter will crash.
02:20Let him die.
02:24Is your brew going or what?
02:26Yeah.
02:26In the kettle.
02:29That's mine.
02:31Got your name right?
02:32Yeah, it has.
02:33Is that porridge?
02:35No.
02:36It's a kebab.
02:37She prefers Choccy Choc Pops.
02:39With a bit of sugar on.
02:41Is that what you feed her?
02:43Well, it's no wonder she won't touch it.
02:46She's holding out for the sugar fix.
02:48That stuff will rot her teeth.
02:49It's only a baby one.
02:50She'll get a new set when she's older.
02:51If she gets older, they might shit you're pumping into her.
02:54You're not fit to be a parent.
02:56What, and you are?
02:57But I'm more qualified than you are.
02:59Who's the daddy?
03:00Who's the daddy?
03:01I'm the fucking daddy.
03:02Where's your fucking tooth?
03:03Don't fucking do something!
03:04Whoa!
03:04Whoa!
03:05Fucking!
03:09It's not about you or about how good you are.
03:12It's about her.
03:15Smaller spoon.
03:17It's like when you're feeding a poorly snake.
03:19You know, you chop up the mice with the scissors.
03:23Right, you set of lazy bastards.
03:26Morning.
03:27I've got a pile of bills here falling out my arse.
03:30And what are you lot doing about it?
03:32Fuck all.
03:33I need every single one of you weightless shites
03:36to start pulling in some serious money today.
03:40Hey!
03:41I'm out there grafting already.
03:43I thought we were going to town.
03:44Get me a new tracker.
03:45I've got a golden shower booked in at ten.
03:48I've got me community service.
03:49Prancing about in tights and community service.
03:52You what?
03:53I picked up needles and shit when I did service.
03:55Him, doing drama, plays and that.
03:57Maybe the magistrate saw something in me.
04:00What, like?
04:01Big fucking gayness?
04:04You're not me dad!
04:10So I reckon the magistrate was a little knocked out by me, you know?
04:13Saw that he had a bit of something about me.
04:15Bastard, you bastard.
04:17Fucking bastard.
04:17Because I've done loads of acting, mate.
04:19See how you like that?
04:20I was the innkeeper.
04:21Well, I played an opportunistic businessman in a historical drama.
04:26And we made a film, taxi driver.
04:29Oh, it was fucking mint.
04:30I mean, it was mint, soz.
04:33Yeah.
04:34I just really want to make a success out of this.
04:36And I think I'm turning a corner, you know?
04:39Yeah, if I could just get this community service sentence out of the way.
04:43Bastard!
04:44Good news?
04:45It's my ex.
04:47Ran off my best friend.
04:49I'm really missing her.
04:51Well, I can get his knees done if you want, you know.
04:53Get him put in a wheelchair and that.
04:56Joke.
04:59Nah, I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship.
05:02My step-dad nicks me clothes, right?
05:04He's using one of my T-shirts to sleep in.
05:10And he hits me.
05:11I mean, I'm proper.
05:13He hits me.
05:14He tracks a few of me ribs, doesn't that?
05:31I think there's been a mistake.
05:33You shouldn't have called the magistrate a fucking monk.
05:35He was a fucking monk.
05:36He'd had a stroke.
05:38And?
05:46Dropped down dead from a brain tumour.
05:49Age?
05:5057.
05:51Here's another good one.
05:53Father of two.
05:5447.
05:55Knocked down by a bus.
05:5647.
05:57Morbid old crones.
05:59They make Goth Dave look like a children's television presenter.
06:04Don't you ask cider?
06:05The one with black.
06:06That's the one with black.
06:11Can I have some cash from the pool table?
06:18Cheers.
06:18He acts like a child.
06:20But then again, he is, isn't he?
06:21Shouldn't you get him a lemonade too?
06:23Or does the sugar make him a bit hyper?
06:25Oof.
06:26Careful what you say now.
06:27There are children about.
06:29And we don't want them picking up any bad language now, do we?
06:34Mummy?
06:37Can I have a bag of crisps please?
06:39Can I have a bag of crisps please?
06:39Oof.
06:41Oof.
06:43Oof.
06:43Oof.
06:44Oof.
06:44Oof.
06:46You need to man up.
06:50That my dear young friend ate the furry.
06:56That the corrupt French drama has been propounding for the last 50.
07:06Oh, you've been smoking.
07:14This will be a million times better than the shit you're inhaling there, brother.
07:17What?
07:18Salford skunk.
07:19Shop local.
07:21I like it.
07:22Tastic.
07:23Pure quality.
07:25I'm autistic, so it focuses on my mind.
07:28It's good for concentration.
07:34Do you like it, eh?
07:35It's all right.
07:37Usually a bit better when we haven't got the thrush.
07:41Irritated twat.
07:42To be honest, I prefer numbers towards me anyway.
07:46For example...
07:49From here, I can see 80 trees, 72 yellow lines,
07:54412 railings,
07:5617 traffic lights,
07:5712 satellite dishes,
07:583 cameras,
07:5964 windows,
08:0124 cars,
08:01and 2 dead pigeons.
08:04You know all that just by looking at them.
08:06The other thing I like is...
08:08Never mind that.
08:09Do you fancy coming to the casino one night?
08:11The other thing I like is women.
08:14I want to shag a woman.
08:16I bet you've shag loads of women.
08:18What's it like?
08:22Messy.
08:23Anyway, fuck that.
08:25Look.
08:25Do you want to come to the casino one night with me?
08:28Pulling some serious money.
08:31Get me a woman to shag,
08:32and I'll come to the casino.
08:43Yeah.
08:44The community service dickheads proudly present...
08:48Little Pick on the M60.
08:50We're a cutting edge group of performers, right,
08:52with important things to say.
08:54So have I.
08:55Get a fucking job.
08:59Yeah, I'll show you.
09:00Show me.
09:01You think I'm a joke?
09:03You think I'm worth fuck all.
09:04It's not just me, Mickey.
09:05It's pretty much across the board, mate.
09:09Kel.
09:11Kel.
09:12Fancy making a million quid for mum?
09:18Damn!
09:19The fuck are you playing at?
09:21Duh.
09:22You'll be wearing that internally in a minute.
09:24I've got a list of jobs as long as me asked,
09:27and you pissed off out of me.
09:28Manning up like you wanted.
09:30Leave you at home doing the jobs,
09:31and me come here, like a man.
09:33You tell her, kids.
09:35It's not how it works.
09:36Not in my house.
09:38Your list of jobs.
09:40It's about time you proved yourself to be a man.
09:43My man.
09:44All right?
09:45When it stays on.
09:46Now!
09:53As for your conduct towards miscarriage,
09:57I will say that you're texting a sweet,
10:01super innocent girl like that.
10:04Do you like this?
10:05Excuse me.
10:06Chatting away while people are working is hugely disrespectful.
10:11You got something to say?
10:13Why are they doing this?
10:15Did they choose it?
10:17No disrespect to that, but I don't understand it.
10:21By the looks of it, neither do any of this lot.
10:22I'm sick and tired of men telling me what's what.
10:26Time and time again, they think they know best.
10:29And they know...
10:31Jack all.
10:33You, Michael Maguire, had yourself a one-way ticket
10:36right out of here, direct to prison.
10:39Do not pass go and do not collect £200.
10:43Wait, you...
10:43I'm calling the cause now.
10:45You're in breach of your order.
10:46All right, look at that.
10:47I'm sorry.
10:47Contributed nothing except negativity,
10:51whipping them up into a frenzy.
10:53There won't be a revolution here.
10:56Please.
10:57Not on my watch.
10:59Miss? Miss Wright?
11:13She pushed me!
11:15Miss should've.
11:16Pushed!
11:30Success. I picked up the child allowance from the post office, went to court, paid the fines,
11:35strap that bag washer and did the shot. Who's this? It's the same pram. Flat out of sleep. Scylla or
11:58Latifah? Scylla. Look, I've proved I can do stuff and now Shona can solve problems. I've manned up.
12:05But can you think for yourself, can you? I don't know what you want me to say. Yeah. Yeah, I
12:09can think for myself. And pigs will fly. I can. Prove it. We've got to find 500 quid before midnight.
12:17Have we? It's a hypothetical case. Right. So where are you going to get it from? The bank. You haven't
12:25got a bank account. Hypothetical bank. Oh, for fuck's sake, Mickey. Billy, you can't get it from the bank, right?
12:33Can't get it from any of our stashes.
12:35sell anything or hate anybody. So where are you going to get 500 quid from tonight? Think.
12:51My mum used to work in this office. It had a box of petty cash. 500 quid's worth?
12:57More like a grand.
13:10I don't have to get it, do I? I like lemonade and sour cold. Come on, please.
13:26She fancies you. But I fancy her. Right? So stay away!
13:34All right.
13:37Hiya.
13:42Right. Ten minute fag break.
13:52I know they're a little bit different to how I've described them. No, I'm used to different. I do different
13:56every day.
13:57This is it.
14:00Are you Mickey scared, then? No. No, she's just here to help out. You know, erm, lend a hand.
14:08You can have a brew, then.
14:12Are you all right to use the kettle? I mean, you're allowed.
14:18So where's this rain man who's going to make us some serious money?
14:27What play will we do instead?
14:31That's what I'm writing myself. It's the story of a poor, misunderstood genius. Rejected by everyone around him.
14:39You know, he wants to fit in. He strives for it, but no one gets in.
14:49You lot know what it's like, don't you? Feeling like you don't fit in.
14:52We do fit in.
14:54Yeah, but what about, you know, when people call you names and that?
14:57Names?
14:58Well, yeah, like, window lickers, er, biffs, retard's.
15:03People don't call me names like that.
15:06What do they call you, then?
15:08Terry.
15:11What play would you like to do?
15:13Mamma Mia.
15:14Marley and Me.
15:15Avatar.
15:16They're all films, not plays.
15:18Do it live on?
15:20I saw a play once, they were in German.
15:22I think it was about a lesbian trying to hang a curtain over a broken window.
15:26Lasted three hours.
15:28Well, fucking brilliant.
15:29Well, we're not doing that.
15:31What do you think we should do?
15:33What was the last play you saw?
15:38Attivity.
15:43What do you have to say that for?
15:45Christmas is ages away.
15:46Well, that was the last play I saw.
15:48It was the last play I was in at school.
15:50I was the innkeeper.
15:53Were you any good?
15:59There's no room at the inn.
16:02Go on.
16:04Shhh.
16:05Go on.
16:06Shhh.
16:06Shhh.
16:07Go on.
16:07Shhh.
16:09I was...
16:11Brilliant.
16:13Just gonna go for a slash.
16:24Mom, what do you want?
16:26What are you doing?
16:27It's not what I want.
16:29What I can give you.
16:31The best suck-off you've ever had.
16:35Go on.
16:35Go on.
16:39All right.
16:44Stud.
16:45Look, wait.
16:46Listen.
16:48Whoa, whoa.
16:49You don't want me?
16:50Yeah, I do.
16:51Look.
16:52Get off, will you?
16:53I don't care if it's cluttered.
16:55Hey.
16:56It's like a baby's arm holding an apple, right?
17:00Well, I'm hard.
17:01Stop.
17:02You wanna do it here?
17:03Right now?
17:05Casino first.
17:06Then, we'll do whatever you want.
17:10Sugar lips.
17:16Don't you fancy me?
17:18No.
17:23I do.
17:24Let me suck you off if you liked me.
17:26If you really don't how it's pretty.
17:28You are pretty.
17:29It's just...
17:32I'm not the right man for you, Lise.
17:35No, I'm no good.
17:36No, I'm...
17:38I'm useless.
17:40Waste of space.
17:41Lazy, pathetic, pointless.
17:43Never amount to anything.
17:45What are you for, Mickey?
17:46What the fuck are you for?
17:52Look.
17:53You need someone who won't let you down.
17:56You know, someone who's dependable.
17:59Not a real man like him.
18:02Like Terry.
18:03Terry?
18:04Oh, big time.
18:06You know, I've seen the way he looks at you and that.
18:09He'll look after you as well.
18:11You know, he's a real man.
18:14A protector.
18:16Yeah, he'd pick you up in his arms and everyone would watch as he carried you in his big, strong
18:29arms.
18:30With your head lent against his chest.
18:33His rock hard ripped and cut chest.
18:36Pecs like stone and nipples like wheel nuts.
18:40The heat of him.
18:41His breath on your face.
18:43His heart beating through his solid chest.
18:45As he holds you tight.
18:48Being held.
18:50Close.
18:51And tight.
18:55So, you're gay.
18:59Don't.
19:00Don't say out, will you?
19:02Keep it between the two of us.
19:06Your secret's safe with me.
19:11We won't say a word either.
19:14As long as you don't tell anyone I've got dancing dream.
19:21Deal.
19:36I've been here since I did a burglary.
19:39We all used to do it together.
19:41Me, Paddy, the kids.
19:43Proper family stuff.
19:45Happy days.
19:46There was always a bit of a turn on for me.
19:50Getting a bit of a wide on now.
19:52Job first, though.
19:54Come on.
19:58We all have skills, right?
20:00I'm great on postcodes.
20:02Famer place.
20:02Go on, test me.
20:03Test me!
20:05Chester Zoo.
20:08CH2.
20:09Blackpool Pleasure Beach.
20:11FY4.
20:12Brilliant.
20:13Buckingham Palace.
20:14Yeah, all right, all right.
20:15Fucking hell.
20:16Look, I know every word to Gladiator, but it's not going to make us a million, is it?
20:20SW1188.
20:21Sorry.
20:22Number Boy's skills, however, are a different kettle of fish.
20:26Kettle of fish?
20:28Limo.
20:29Casino.
20:30Let's go to work.
20:44Yeah!
20:50Lookin' back on the track
20:52From a little green back
20:54Got to find just a kind
20:57I'm losing my mind
21:00Outside in the night
21:02Outside in the day
21:04Lookin' back on the track
21:06Gonna do it my way
21:09Outside in the night
21:11Outside in the day
21:13Lookin' back on the track
21:15Gonna do it my way
21:17Lookin' back
21:27Lookin' for some happiness
21:29But there's only loneliness to die
21:36Jumpin' around
21:37Turnin' to the right
21:40Lookin' off stairs
21:43Lookin' behind
21:46Lookin' behind
21:48Lookin' behind
22:04Lookin' behind
22:06He's fuckin' useless, lost every fuckin' penny
22:09Yeah, he told me he was great with numbers.
22:110-8, 0-8, 1-5-7, 20-20.
22:14Piece of delivery.
22:15I'm all about cards, Raymond.
22:17Fucking cards.
22:18You can't even count to 21, you prick.
22:20Hit me.
22:20Don't tempt me.
22:22And what was all that?
22:23400 windows, 70 doors.
22:25Bollocks.
22:26Every day, I have a smoke out the back and I...
22:28Count it all.
22:29Stops me getting bored.
22:31Can we have sex now?
22:33Unbelievable.
22:35I believe there was a rehearsal here last night.
22:38A rehearsal without an appropriate leader, i.e. you.
22:44Went to the casino.
22:45Well, there won't be any more rehearsals.
22:49Not now, not ever.
22:51The building is closed until further notice.
22:55You can't do that.
22:56Can and have.
22:58And what's it got to do with the talking sex doll?
23:02You can't shut the building.
23:04I can and I have.
23:07Health and safety.
23:10If Lise continues to insist that she didn't push me down the stairs,
23:16then I must have slipped.
23:18And the building closes until the health and safety executives have investigated.
23:24Mum?
23:26Oh.
23:27And don't forget.
23:29No play.
23:31No community service.
23:34Bye-bye outside.
23:35Hello, strange ways.
23:41You've no sense of a dramatic exit, have you?
23:43Brake's stuck, sir.
23:45Yeah.
23:52I'd walk away from him if I could.
23:54Not the play and everything, if it meant I weren't walking towards prison.
23:57That's a lot.
23:59No offence.
24:00It's just, well, we've got a few rivals inside at the moment, you know.
24:04Won't be much of a holiday for me.
24:07I could tell them I'd push her.
24:09You.
24:10She'd let us back in the building.
24:11She wouldn't.
24:12She's an evil bitch.
24:13That must be destroyed.
24:15Steady on.
24:16Sorry.
24:16We could.
24:17Find somewhere else to put the play on.
24:19Get Mickey out of Zing Zing.
24:21There.
24:23You two are all over each other like a tick in a tramp's vest.
24:27What's the secret?
24:28We've discovered the secret to happiness.
24:31White wine and night nurse.
24:32Doing something together we both enjoy.
24:35Do you fancy doing it again?
24:36Tonight.
24:38Mwah.
24:40You know I'm only using the play as just the roofs, right?
24:42Oh, yeah?
24:43Well, yeah, I'm training them up, aren't I?
24:45Well, think about it.
24:48They'll be the best drug dealers in the world.
24:50They're methodical, practical, they won't use the produce.
24:53And their best thing is, the Phil folks suspect them.
24:57Well, look at them.
25:00What the fuck's this?
25:02Attack of the...
25:03Gah!
25:03Bullock, you smelly old tramp.
25:05It's time we start standing up for ourselves.
25:09Fucking set of...
25:11Gah!
25:13Before you say out.
25:15I know they're going to kill me one day.
25:18It's not you I'm worried about.
25:20It's your baby.
25:23Your baby doesn't have a choice.
25:25I'm not pregnant, sweetheart.
25:28Trapped wind and a...
25:30little bitter heartburn.
25:31Always going to the toilet.
25:34You're having a baby.
25:36Great news.
25:39Great news.
25:41Jamie has said that we can rehearse and put the show on in it, providing...
25:46you lot run a few errands for him.
25:50Ten pound each, yeah?
25:52Yeah, and I'll invite a few heads from the council, see if we can get a bit of funding.
25:55Then we can open our very own centre, right here, in the Chatsworth.
25:59Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:04Or somewhere else.
26:05Yay!
26:09Now come on, you little band of biffers.
26:11Go, go, go!
26:12Go, go!
26:13Go, go!
26:14Go, go!
26:15Go, go!
26:22Do you think this is going to work?
26:24It has to.
26:25Not just for me freedom, but also, well,
26:27to show those snide fuckers round here.
26:29I'm always taking the piss.
26:45Get on.
26:50Are you sure about this?
26:53Yes.
26:54A book, in the Bible,
26:57Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
26:59It's artistic licence.
27:01No, it doesn't say that he didn't saw anyone in half.
27:05No, and he was a joiner, so, well,
27:07he'd have had sores and shit.
27:09No, maybe a bit of curiosity.
27:12Trust me.
27:15It's a boy.
27:19I'm not pregnant.
27:21The ring never lies.
27:23It's a boy.
27:24My husband is infertile.
27:28Oh.
27:31It's funny.
27:33But if you've only been having sex with your husband...
27:45I guess this thing just about to pay on my carpet.
27:54Want a bit of help, sweetheart?
27:56Gosh, yeah.
27:58What happened to the milk of human kindness?
28:00Oh, turn to cheese.
28:0320 quid an hour, you'll get all the help you need.
28:05One part white spirit and two parts water.
28:07We'll shift that in next to no time.
28:20OK, I'm not a big believer in miracles,
28:22especially not around here.
28:24So we can rule out another immaculate conception.
28:28And Shane's infertile.
28:34It's Marty.
28:38You never go bareback.
28:40It wasn't business.
28:41It was more than that.
28:43Are you sure?
28:44What happens when it all turns to shit?
28:49What am I going to do?
28:50We can sort this, Shane.
28:51I'm not getting rid of it.
28:54It's all we've...
28:55Me and Shane, it's...
28:57It's all we've ever wanted.
29:05I can't tell him.
29:07Well, you're going to have to tell him something.
29:09I can't.
29:10He is going to find out sooner or later.
29:14No.
29:44Watch yourself, rain man.
29:47What do you think?
29:49Perfect.
29:56Why don't you just talk to Terry?
30:00Well, I know he likes you.
30:02It's not that easy.
30:03It was all right for you to barge in the bogs and offer me a dog job.
30:05That was just sex.
30:08That's stuff in with Terry.
30:09I don't know what I feel.
30:13Sometimes it's hard to tell someone what's really going on.
30:18Hey, I've been ringing you.
30:20Oh, right.
30:21Sorry, me phone's been on silent for a year, so.
30:23Have you finished?
30:24No, we've only just started.
30:25Listen, I've got a job on.
30:27You're going to be all right?
30:28I can't take her with me.
30:29It's too dangerous.
30:32She can be the baby Jesus.
30:41My only concern now is getting a crowd in to see it.
30:44Not an audience, you know.
30:46I mean, who's going to want to come and see this lot, do the nativity,
30:49and it's not even Christmas?
30:51I can't be Christmas.
30:52Tills are always bursting.
30:54I love Christmas.
31:17I've twisted me knee.
31:20Yeah.
31:20Oh, it needs support.
31:23I need a bandage.
31:36Ow!
31:38I'm sorry.
31:39It'll be OK.
31:41OK.
31:46It hasn't got an alarm, but instead,
31:48it's got a private security company
31:50with a direct link to the filth payfax.
31:53Perfect.
31:53So send me down for this.
31:54I know it.
31:55Oh, grow up.
31:56I can't go to prison.
31:57I'm too young.
31:58Well, get our brief on to it.
31:59Be away on some technicality.
32:01Don't worry.
32:02What if we don't?
32:04I'll pack you some lube, pretty boy like you.
32:11Oi.
32:16Dozy bastard.
32:37Should have gone back to the car.
32:39They would have seen us.
32:41Ring Shane or someone.
32:42Ask them to pick us up.
32:43Where's your phone?
32:45In the car.
32:46Where's your phone?
32:48In the car.
32:52Fuck.
32:52What are we going to do?
32:54I don't know.
32:57Paddy would know what to do.
32:59He would.
33:00One clever fuck, that one.
33:02Great under pressure.
33:04Always thinking on his feet, you know.
33:05Well, that's the answer to our problems, isn't it?
33:07Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy what we should do.
33:15I'm sorry.
33:18No, I'm sorry.
33:21Right.
33:21We can't get a cab.
33:22We can't hitch a lift.
33:23Not with ease.
33:25So.
33:27We can't.
33:28It's too risky.
33:29Phil for looking for us.
33:30We need somewhere to lay low till morning.
33:46We shouldn't be doing this.
33:48It's a change.
33:50Paddy.
33:51One of God's houses.
33:54I haven't paid his council tax by the looks of it.
33:57That's blasphemous.
33:58What?
33:59It's all right to break into offices and nicked up.
34:01But it's not all right to walk into an unlocked church.
34:04I've got morals.
34:08Don't look like it's in use now anyway.
34:10Come on.
34:12What are you doing?
34:13Looking.
34:14For what?
34:15A saw.
34:16Or someone to get these off.
34:18Oh, yeah.
34:18Always get a saw in a church.
34:21Drink this.
34:21It's the blood of Christ.
34:23This is his body.
34:24This is his saw.
34:25Well, what's your big plan then?
34:27Seeing as you think you're the brains of the outfit.
34:28I am the brains of the outfit.
34:30Well, what am I then?
34:31A piece of meat?
34:32A fuck machine?
34:34Have a bit of respect swearing in a place of worship.
34:39I don't give a shit.
34:41Hang on.
34:47Oh, thank you, God.
34:56Copper chopper.
34:58Pigs will fly.
34:59Come on, hurry up.
35:00I'm going as fast as I can.
35:02We'll be in forever at this rate.
35:04Go quicker if I saw it for your wrist.
35:06You're going to hell, you.
35:08What, and you're not?
35:09I pray.
35:10I repent.
35:11I go to confession.
35:14I don't get why you believe in all that shit.
35:16After everything I've been through.
35:25I have to believe my dead children are in a better place,
35:28because if I thought this was it,
35:31that life was just this,
35:33with nothing at the end,
35:36then I'd just give up.
35:50Maybe you need to start looking at this
35:53a bit differently.
35:56That was then.
35:58This is now.
36:00You, me,
36:02and Silla.
36:31I kind of like to have new by me signs.
36:36Maybe we should make it more permanent.
36:38You left my laugh?
36:40No.
36:41Will you marry me?
37:08You doing all right?
37:10How are you doing?
37:12Nervous?
37:14I've still not had a shag.
37:16Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
37:19Innkeeper.
37:20But I've still not shagged a woman yet.
37:22But what's with all the blue paint?
37:26I get it.
37:26It's fucking Avatar, isn't it?
37:29Avatar Innkeeper.
37:30But there's...
37:33Never mind.
37:36Now, Terry,
37:37I just wanted to have a quick word with you
37:38about the last scene.
37:39Now, I know we've not rehearsed it,
37:41but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
37:44It's Lisa's idea.
37:50But, in the Bible,
37:52Mary and Joseph don't kiss.
37:57They don't say they didn't, either.
37:59I think they probably did a lot more besides kissing.
38:01I mean, you're up the duff.
38:03It's not your husband's.
38:05You're going to have to do a bit more than kissing
38:06to make him sweet, aren't you, eh?
38:08You know what I mean?
38:11Think about it.
38:13Mary's giving Joseph a poor job.
38:16Well, no, not in our play.
38:17I mean, maybe after, who knows?
38:18But I'm just a kiss for now.
38:23Never mind.
38:30Lisa.
38:32I've just had a chat with Sarah,
38:33and he's come up with this great idea
38:35that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
38:38Yet all his idea
38:45like a dream.
38:47Call an ambulance.
38:48He's passed out.
38:49He must have been the paint.
38:52Don't worry, Mickey.
38:53Leave him to us.
38:55I can have a chance.
38:56Come on.
38:57You'll need a new innkeeper now, Mickey.
39:00Well, he's not going to be up to doing the show.
39:02Well, what are you going to do?
39:03Michael Maguire.
39:06It depends.
39:07We spoke earlier.
39:08I'm from the council.
39:09Brilliant, innit?
39:11Oh, yeah.
39:12Great.
39:12So, I've chuffed you could come.
39:14You'll get to see what this group have done
39:15and maybe bung them a bit of cash
39:17to get their own centre in that.
39:18I'm the health and safety executive.
39:20There will be no public performance on these premises.
39:23The set has to be fireproofed.
39:24There are no fire exit signs displayed.
39:27Risk of overcrowding.
39:28It's like I've got a performance
39:29in less than an hour.
39:31Well, you have to cancel.
39:34Notification of intention to prosecute
39:36if you fail to abide.
39:38Cancel.
39:40Well, that's that, then.
39:42No stage.
39:43No innkeeper.
39:44No show.
39:52I've not worked my bollocks off
39:54for nothing.
39:56We are doing it.
40:21All of the hotels and the pubs
40:25are all full.
40:28Man United must be playing.
40:31This is the last inn for males.
40:54Hello.
40:56My wife is with child.
41:00We need a bed for the night.
41:03Do you have room
41:06at your inn?
41:19Go on.
41:28Do you have room
41:30at your inn?
41:35Go on.
41:40We haven't got any room.
41:41I'm sorry.
41:44Cut it.
41:49I'll tell you what, though.
41:53We've got a sort of stable round there.
41:56You can have that if you want.
41:59Thank you, Stan.
42:01Thank you for your kindness.
42:23I've already told you we haven't got any room.
42:25With this, we've got any room.
42:35We're having fun.
42:49We got some beer.
42:51The beer.
42:52The beer.
42:52You can't have a good time.
42:54The beer.
42:54The beer.
42:54The beer.
42:54The beer.
42:54hardly
43:03I'm not going to the hospital until I've got a shag
43:06Don't look at me
43:09Who me?
43:38There is magic everywhere, but only if you believe.
43:42That's what people say, isn't it?
43:44You know the type of people, they go on about star signs, angels and shit.
43:48They have DVD box sets of friends and they cry at greeting cards.
43:53They're usually single.
43:54You won't find magic with a bunch of weekend hippies at Glastonbury squatting on ley lines.
43:59Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos and a set of crystals.
44:07You want real magic, you go to cream fields with a spliff.
44:11A bag of pills in one hand, a bag of mushrooms in the other.
44:14A bag of pills in the other hand, a bag of pills in the other hand, a bag of pills
44:43in the other hand.
44:45A bag of pills in the other hand, a bag of pills in the other hand.
44:51A bag of pills in the other hand.
45:13Match made in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven.
45:16I didn't get rid of it.
45:17She loves kids.
45:18I moved on.
45:20You've got one.
45:22There is no one.
45:23Pack whatever possessions you've accumulated in your tender years and you fuck off.
45:27As far away from our mum as possible.
45:28If you want to get rid of her, you'll have to do it your way.
45:31Grab him!
45:34You'll learn to love me again.
45:35I know you will.
45:54I know you will.
45:59I know you will.
46:01I know you will.
46:04I know you will.
46:21and then we put the egg in like so
46:25and then we say the magic words
46:29fish and chippington
46:34better luck
46:38it's not worked but
46:41you have a go
46:45you
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