- 9 minutes ago
Why Is He Eating Soap?
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00My dad and I played catch every night until I almost stopped showing up.
00:03He'd come home from work, hang his keys on the hook by the door,
00:06grab his glove off the shelf and say, let's go.
00:09I'd grab mine and follow him out.
00:11We'd play in the front yard until mom called us in for dinner.
00:14That catch was the only thing my dad and I did together, just the two of us.
00:18Then one Saturday my friend Zach walked past my house,
00:21saw us in the yard and said, bro, you still play catch with your dad?
00:25I laughed it off, but something landed wrong.
00:27By the end of that week, I'd decided I was too old for it.
00:30Monday night, dad came home, hung his keys, grabbed his glove and said, let's go.
00:35I told him I was good.
00:36He paused for a second, then said, okay, and went out alone.
00:39I didn't know it then, but that was the first night I picked anything over my dad.
00:43I watched him through the window.
00:45He stood in the yard for a minute with his glove on,
00:47looking around like he wasn't sure what to do,
00:49then walked over to the garage wall and started throwing the ball against it by himself.
00:54Next night, same thing.
00:56Then the whole rest of the week.
00:57By the second week, he stopped pausing when I told him no.
01:00By the third week, he stopped asking.
01:02He'd just come home, hang his keys, grab his glove and head straight out the door alone.
01:07One night, I went into the kitchen for water and heard him on the porch with my mom.
01:11He was asking her if he should stop bringing the glove out.
01:14She told him to give me time.
01:15He said, I just liked playing with him.
01:17He was talking about me like it was over.
01:19I knew what I had to do.
01:21I walked over to the shelf and grabbed my glove.
01:23He was still in the yard with his hand on his hip, looking at the ground.
01:27I walked up and he looked at me, didn't say anything.
01:29I threw the ball to him.
01:31He caught it and threw it back.
01:32We played in the yard until the street light came on.
01:35The next night he came home, hung his keys, grabbed his glove and said, let's go.
01:40I grabbed mine.
01:41He never stopped wanting to play.
01:43I almost let shame end the only thing we had.
01:46My grandpa with Alzheimer's walked into a tattoo shop and asked the artist for a tattoo
01:50of a man with dark hair, a sharp jawline and a moon-shaped mole on his left cheek.
01:54This was the man who killed grandpa's wife.
01:56His trial was in three months, but there were no police sketches of him.
01:59So grandpa needed the tattoo to identify him in court before his Alzheimer's got worse
02:03and he forgot what the man looked like.
02:05The tattoo artist nodded and started the tattoo.
02:07But halfway through, I noticed it was turning out nothing like grandpa described.
02:11The tattoo had light hair, a small nose, and the mole on the left cheek was missing.
02:15I told the artist to stop, but he insisted he was almost done and tried to keep going.
02:19I helped grandpa out of his chair, and when he saw the tattoo, he was furious.
02:23We tried to walk out, but the artist blocked our path, saying the tattoo he was doing was
02:27exactly what grandpa asked for.
02:29We pushed past him and drove to a new tattoo shop where a different artist covered the incorrect
02:33tattoo and replaced it with the correct face.
02:35Dark hair, sharp jawline, and the moon-shaped mole on the left cheek.
02:39Three months later, the trial happened.
02:41Grandpa could barely remember why he was here.
02:43The defendant's lawyer argued there was no proof the killer was at grandpa's house that
02:47night, but I pointed to the tattoo and asked then how it was possible that the man's face
02:51matched the tattoo perfectly.
02:53The killer was sentenced, but while being led away, a man with the exact same moon-shaped
02:57mole on his left cheek walked over to him.
02:59He hugged the killer and said,
03:01I'm sorry dad, I tried.
03:02I recognized the man as the artist who did grandpa's first tattoo.
03:05I realized he was the killer's son.
03:07He tried to sabotage the tattoo so grandpa couldn't identify his own father in court.
03:12At 3 a.m., I walked upstairs in my pajamas, pounded on my neighbor's door, and he answered
03:16still holding the vacuum.
03:18Can you please shut that damn thing off?
03:20I'm trying to sleep.
03:21He looked at me like I'd spoken a foreign language.
03:23It's the evening, man.
03:24I stared at him.
03:25It's 3 a.m.
03:26It's my evening.
03:27I work nights.
03:28I get home.
03:28I eat.
03:29I clean.
03:30I go to bed at 8.
03:31That's my evening.
03:31Deal with it.
03:32He shut the door in my face and started vacuuming again.
03:35I'd filed three complaints with a landlord who kept promising to, have a word.
03:39I'd thumped the ceiling with a broom handle until my hands went numb, but now I was declaring
03:43war.
03:44On Friday, I stopped at Home Depot and walked out with the biggest leaf blower they had.
03:48When I got home, I set an alarm for 7.55 and went to sleep through the vacuum noises.
03:53Saturday at 8 a.m. sharp, I plugged in the leaf blower and pulled the trigger.
03:57The ceiling shook.
03:58I heard a thump, a crash, and a grown man sprinting above me.
04:01He pounded on his floor, but I kept the trigger down.
04:04Three minutes later, he was at my door, hammering and screaming over the engine noise.
04:08I gave it another minute, cut the engine, and opened up.
04:10His hair was straight up, and he was wearing one sock.
04:13What the hell are you doing?
04:14It is 8 in the morning.
04:15I waited for him to run out of breath.
04:17It's my evening.
04:17Deal with it.
04:18He opened his mouth twice and gave up both times.
04:21He said he was calling the property manager and stormed back upstairs.
04:2420 minutes later, the property manager was at my door.
04:27I pointed at the leaf blower, then at the ceiling.
04:29I asked him to pull the noise complaint log for the apartment upstairs.
04:32He scrolled, and kept scrolling, and kept scrolling.
04:3547 nights on file.
04:36He thanked me, and went upstairs to have a real word.
04:39The moving truck was in the parking lot by Monday morning.
04:42I watched him load the vacuum in last while I petted my leaf blower.
04:45Good boy.
04:45Christmas Eve, me and my sister woke up to a loud bang outside our basement window.
04:50When we tried to get closer, our dad stopped us.
04:52Stay down here.
04:53Don't come upstairs no matter what you hear.
04:55He rushed upstairs to lock the doors.
04:57Our mom pulled us close and covered my ears, but I could still hear people shouting outside.
05:02Police lights started bouncing off the snow on the window.
05:05My dad was gone for what felt like forever.
05:07When he finally came back downstairs, he wasn't alone.
05:10A man in a full Santa suit walked in behind him.
05:12Don't worry.
05:13My sleigh crashed in the snow outside, and these nice police officers are helping me dig it out.
05:18He sat on the floor between us and pulled presents out of his bag.
05:21My sister held hers up to him.
05:23Is this one really for me?
05:24He put his hand on her head.
05:26Of course it is.
05:27Santa brought it just for you.
05:28We opened them while he sang Christmas songs.
05:30Every time the sirens got louder, he sang louder.
05:33When they finally stopped, he stood up and dusted off his knees.
05:36I have to go deliver presents to the other kids.
05:38I hugged him and went to sleep that night thinking I was the luckiest kid in the world.
05:42I was 17 when my dad told me what really happened.
05:45A gang broke into the house across the street that night, and three people were killed right outside our window.
05:50The man who lived next door heard us crying through the walls.
05:53He put on a Santa costume he had in his closet, walked over, and stayed with us until it was
05:57safe.
05:58I caught a four-year-old licking the soap dispenser in my preschool bathroom.
06:01What are you doing?
06:02He looked extremely scared.
06:04Don't tell anyone about this.
06:05I won't do it again.
06:06It was a dare from my friend.
06:08I was weirded out but just shrugged it off because he was a good kid and never misbehaved.
06:12Looking back, I should have called his parents.
06:14Because the next day, I caught him pumping soap straight into his mouth.
06:18This time, I told him off.
06:19You're not allowed to go to the bathroom by yourself again.
06:22He looked sad but nodded.
06:23But the next day, I found three soap bottles stuffed in his cubby.
06:26And when I went to go find him and confront him, the janitor stopped me.
06:30I caught that soap kid drinking from the dispenser again.
06:33I ran from bathroom to bathroom trying to find him.
06:35And eventually, I found him sitting on the sink while bubbles foamed out of the corners of his mouth.
06:40I rushed him to the nurse.
06:41While she inspected him, I asked,
06:43Why do you keep eating soap?
06:44Suddenly, he started crying.
06:46A kid at nap time said my mouth smelled really bad.
06:49My big sister told me soap cleans the inside of your mouth.
06:52I didn't want him to say it again when we were sleeping next to each other.
06:55The school counselor pulled the other kid aside.
06:57And by the end of the week, Noah had his best friend napping next to him instead.
07:01Kids are weird.
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