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- #bait
#Bait S01E02 [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
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00:08Shah Latif welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart with me Sir Patrick Stewart it's an honor to be here
00:15the honor is all mine I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast but few who've had
00:22such an eventful 24 hours it's been a wild ride already that's for sure now I know a bond or
00:29two
00:29Daniel Craig's a dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job yes yes I
00:39do now more
00:41than ever I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes Joe Nigel Murray how are you
00:52thank
00:53God good yeah at least it tells me you do security for all the top wankers yeah that's right yeah
00:59I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well right yeah do you do personal
01:05because I might have an event tonight yeah no we do the full service even got a food taster if
01:09you
01:09need one tell you what let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards yeah
01:14so how's this two points of entry hostile object into the front bay window those and the doors
01:19may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you
01:23have the bodies 60 friendlies expected tomorrow oh you really know your stuff I played the translator
01:30in homeland season seven yes yes yes you did they got a lot of shit wrong on that show come
01:35on okay
01:36all right so your uh your guests are for ideal fitter I presume yeah yeah okay yeah yeah just want
01:42to make sure everyone feels safe yeah sure I might make more sense for you to start off upstairs I
01:49know
01:49it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude isn't it yeah okay well I'll take my shoes off and
01:53go upstairs yeah do you agree you can't really act this role part of you has to be it absolutely
02:01absolutely absolutely yeah luckily I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various
02:09kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front as it were yep you just got no Mandarin
02:16Oriental
02:16sorted thank you for sorting it out Felicia I'll speak to you later about the collar all right bye
02:20what are you showing me right now it's the hotel okay they do free stays for celebs like Michelle
02:24y'all digga dee fucking move west nanny and well the followers are blowing up okay it's a five-star
02:31safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my costs but yeah yeah we're not going to
02:38a
02:38hotel I'm dealing with it I'm not gonna get anything happen to you you don't need to be afraid I'm
02:43not
02:43afraid talking about man what the fuck's all this what does it look like security cuts I told you
02:59that I had security sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from the mandem it's not fucking movie yeah
03:03is it what are you going to ask where you got this from all this Allah provides bro does he
03:10yes
03:10does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well I know these guys but they're too thick to make it
03:14into Isis which Isis Isis K Isis L OG Isis they've got different standards I've heard
03:24they're only PhDs do they the hardest fucking they're committed takbir
03:29I'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah I just trying to bring in some real actual protection
03:33if you could just listen to me for once if I want your fucking protection I'll ask for your extra
03:37small condoms you like that one any tiny lully yeah stop pressing me cuz I'll go chat to Abba we
03:43have
03:43to discuss this we did in my fucking bag of one could just walk it because you've taken off the
03:54back
03:54door that's why I've hired a professional high professional I'm not doubting that I'm just if
03:59if you let me do it then it'll be better for everyone Sean Connery to the rescue is it how
04:04do you
04:04understand it shall you better be a janu and help me take this to the car 60 people's a lot
04:12for read
04:13your mommy needs my help what are you doing chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been
04:25trying to steal eat already bringing a cut these swelling kebabs well I like kebabs
04:33it's a joint effort now I'm just doing my part it's a no no you have done already so much
04:39shaju take the pots inside why are you giving Naila any more work it's nothing Daira I could be doing
04:45so much more but sadly it's no longer safe here now why not move into my house who's not safe
04:54can everybody stop can you stop please Baba can you just come here please can you stop the work
04:58everyone right let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan what's your plan yeah what huh
05:03outsourcing our protection that is free Mesa nonce I'm not a nonce should have gone to the hotel
05:07Nigel's here to help secure the the house house won't be ready food won't be ready Naila Naila
05:14please shaju sorry guys the prophet please be upon him so long exactly exactly he said it best when
05:21he said trust in Allah but tie up your camel my guy he knows his stuff you gotta hand it
05:28to him I just
05:29want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors so perhaps you should
05:33think about moving your eat celebrations to a different location no I've got tremendous
05:40respect for Islamic culture especially after six tours of Afghanistan you've all came to the
05:56you get it he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was really good after it and you're a
06:13your
06:13brother he's seems nice he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was really good after it and you're
06:18a
06:18raise your ass okay complicated all right well look this is for you as you quote although i
06:25would be willing to postpone payment you know in consideration of the future work because if my
06:32internet searches are correct then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future
06:36oh well let's um let's see what happens um it's really reasonable could you just leave it with
06:40me i'm getting a few different quotes in that's fine okay oh so did you want me to uh provide
06:45a
06:45personal for tonight i can send one of my best guys what are you doing you asked me to do
06:49security
06:49you know but tonight i did him yeah so well we need to thank you for coming by yeah no
06:55absolute
06:56pleasure yeah well oh by the way those stolen dash cams the uh battery life is so bring a charger
07:02all right you can have that for free cheers nigel why are you wasting your money on these render
07:08feds bro i've had your back since day
07:21uh did you go into this garland tonight on your own or
07:28i've got a plus one is it
07:32you haven't got any shoes on trainers can i arrange it
07:38oh get ready you fucker
08:02wait that is a proper go fucker there it's a good job i came to babysit you
08:05hi bro you might be taking care of the muscle but i'm winning over the hearts and minds yeah
08:11what when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground
08:13big man how you gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face
08:16what you know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to
08:21shag that camera but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my
08:24head right now you're gonna put me off
08:26okay for confirmation because what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making
08:31a pervy version of fucking planet earth all right let me just see something rajtaka
08:37motherfucker it's all right all right don't jizz on my leather seats you can't afford the cleaning
08:40feet okay listen let's just go there and smash it all right brother we are already
08:44fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in the muba prime experience look at this
08:48halal harry bows custom specifically branded zamzam water your little mini dildo on the dashboard
08:53cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and furious but without the four skins you
08:58understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay learn curry karket
09:04yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee it
09:19there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati
09:25playing bond proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so oh it's why i
09:33want the role it's why i'm here speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at
09:37the king's
09:38museum gala exactly to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this
09:45too
09:45is what british looks like
09:51hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight please get home with
09:57mobile okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area i'm turkish you're turkish then there's
10:02service in your area thank you excuse me sister yo mc rickshaw mace can i get a pick you want
10:13a
10:13pick i'll kill you next week hey yo cuz cuz come and get a picture with your one and only
10:17fan come on
10:19oi bro you ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there man slow down you
10:26should be out
10:27here with us hey yo yo yo it's really the photo with you what's the problem bro if i get
10:31a photo
10:31to take with them lot it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the
10:35real
10:35change happens in here we got to get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret
10:42service or something yeah but don't go full coconut pussy all around me tonight oh yeah then don't go
10:46into father fuck boy on me then you want to respect my guy keep it real okay why don't you
10:51respect this
10:51watch and learn you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me
10:59show you nah you know what that is you look like a paedophile german bro there's cameras why would you
11:06be paedophile because they don't have sound it's funny hi so happy really i'm so glad to be here thank
11:12you this is my associate my god much can learn um can i ask um who i might speak to
11:18about my speech this
11:19evening oh but have you done us doing a speech oh i i think it's because i'm a last a
11:24last minute
11:24edition so well there'll be a new house i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i i'm i'm
11:31guessing
11:31i have a plus one uh mr zulfika early ceo of move enterprises i just think it should be like
11:38an
11:38official record i'm here tonight so thank you
11:43cuz where the fuck have you bought us man this looks like the jaws bullsack
11:47you're from humble beginnings like me so how is your family dealing with all this the same way we
11:54deal with everything it's a team together now i'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs
12:01bro this is mine yeah i told you bro i'm gonna stop cooking
12:11i'm gonna go find this vivian yeah yeah no point me being here if i can't get on stage there
12:17she is
12:17museum director yeah my guy the fuck are you bro some ego bro look at this all right listen now
12:24i'm gonna go
12:24work on you shall we tag team her what not like that i mean like convince her together like good
12:31packy bad packy what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop but packies
12:38you know i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
12:45sing let me tell you about this
12:55i'm vivian charlativ oh yes of course miss latif um i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment
13:01yeah absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently
13:05what can i do for you miss latif i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for
13:08you
13:09there's nobody like muslims that can get you to where you need to be on
13:13tomorrow we are on time for prayers five times a day if you call me
13:16zoo field can you get me to where i need to go i'll get you there this museum means a
13:21great
13:21deal to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it thrills me to see
13:26young people
13:26engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture in fact we invite this kind of dialogue
13:32is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between
13:37those on the inside and those out there who's your name aliraza aliraza i'm feeling the iran
13:43yes yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on this we could be in that region i for one
13:47would be honored
13:49to get up there and say a few words about may i about how um global britain truly is both
13:54in
13:54its artifacts and its people but you know i'm an eighth indian i did not wow what about yourself
14:00where are you from london you're from london you sound with originally from london but i understand
14:07your latest acquisition is is from a muslim country yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling
14:11tonight don't just belong to islam they belong to us all so i can go up and say a few
14:16words i'll be
14:17very brief no miss latif it's simply not how we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy
14:23exhibit besides we already have our dear friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your evening
14:35and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be all
14:42softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call him that come on come on you can be honest
14:50i
14:51can't be in the same room as ian magneto mccallan oh sorry sir ian magneto mccallan i just think that
14:59there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the only
15:04brown bloke up
15:05for the job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better bond yeah
15:11well i don't
15:12really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap
15:16he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor
15:23that's subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to let
15:30you speak how do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond you don't stand a chance
15:37in a
15:38horse pajamas do you you pussyhole he needs to go on addition you push can no use being angry with
15:49me
15:50you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
16:00here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when was
16:06the last time i
16:06saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
16:12thank
16:12you do you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white woman
16:18eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy and they
16:22have this relationship over space and time it's about how love's timeless and crosses all sorts of
16:29boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you for a break just for
16:34yeah thanks a lot um you look incredible by the way and very very smart getting photographed in the
16:39tugs and holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural
16:44institutions um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate
16:52man it's just um that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably probably
16:58getting a lot of that too not really nothing to cry about you just gotta stay grateful people are
17:06busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah
17:10yeah
17:11here we are yeah hate's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head
17:16to my
17:16mom's house you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them
17:24that no amount of hate is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from
17:30all around the world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right
17:34yeah
17:34preach yeah i just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like
17:41i love the passion man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and
17:45i was thinking maybe we could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something
17:50important to say i want to be a part of that yeah i say what why don't i go up
17:53first and then i'll
17:55bring you up i would love that thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate
18:00it
18:00there you are hey i know you oh this is my security guy the muba guy yeah i overheard you
18:06chatting about it earlier i love the concept thank you brother are you muslim aren't we all a little
18:12yeah have you got a card i'll spread the word nice yeah okay i'll go that's my mom you brought
18:20your
18:20mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't be here without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all
18:36man you're the thickest twat you are thick twat what security guy that's all i'm doing you literally
18:44told me to bring you here as security why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh
18:49no i haven't of course i'm hungry man you don't eat a canopy just have a little canopy bro
18:55just have a little something to eat nothing here is halal none of the little things the big things none
18:59of
18:59me have some halloumi halloumi halloumi is not israeli that's what they want you to think it's an
19:04arabic cheese prove it to me google it you know i don't use google thank you too fine
19:15good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's
19:26cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight we right this wrong
19:36after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present to you tonight
19:44the restored buddha of bamian
20:01and now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
20:08to the stage the most gentle mini vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
20:21it's an honor to be here i mean wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and
20:32so it
20:32should follow that england too is home to people from those same places now tonight is a celebration but
20:38i would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of
20:45color recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep
20:58it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
21:07but no amount of hate will make me hide
21:11those driven by prejudice they need to see us in these spaces
21:20and because this too is what british looks like
21:25thank you thank you thank you miss latif you have a situation man claiming to be your brother
21:34has been harassing and uh racially profiling museum guests
21:41oh and uh charlatief wanted to say something too i'm about to go on man
21:46sure otherwise we're gonna have to escort him over the premises immediately i don't know
22:09so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was a silky
22:16bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the bleeding lines
22:23out nine i can do better i can't can you now let's see i also had a pig's head said
22:34to myself
22:38themselves
22:39i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
22:48it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bond shut up hey yo cut come on me
22:57you want an only
22:57fan you turned your back on your own fans man slow down you turned your back on your own
23:04family
23:08face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
23:20tacky
23:23send him back where he came from
23:56yeah
24:01you okay yeah you what were you doing no what were you doing nothing bro it's 2am
24:10were you talking to someone or what oh sorry man i was just running lines
24:15in a suit cost you a minute yeah well the moon's been sighted so
24:20eid mubarak yeah now night you weirdo
24:29eid mubarak bitch
24:59sorry sorry
25:28Transcription by CastingWords
25:59Transcription by CastingWords
26:29Transcription by CastingWords
26:42Transcription by CastingWords
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