- 59 minutes ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 - Episode 04: None of the Good Guys
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00:02Look, I know we've only been seeing each other for, like, three weeks, but I really wanted you to meet
00:07my dad.
00:08It's okay. I'm great with parents.
00:09And he's just like any other parent, you know, except he has experience in gathering information and breaking enemy combatants.
00:16I thought he loved woodworking.
00:17Well, that's to sharpen his knife collection.
00:20Well, well. Hello.
00:23Good morning.
00:25But what exactly is happening?
00:27Oh, it's nothing weird. You know, this is just a standard background check.
00:30He does it for every guy I introduce him to.
00:33So it's a fun surprise for both of us.
00:35A background check.
00:36Michael Avery Grant, correct?
00:39Yes.
00:39Age 36, graduated with Honor's Speech Pathology.
00:43Teaching kids to learn to communicate is my true joy.
00:47Yeah, and I ran a check on your criminal record.
00:51And that came up spotless.
00:53Of course. I knew it.
00:54There was one detail that bothered me, which is that you're currently married?
00:59Married?
01:00I can explain.
01:01The divorce isn't final, but we're separated.
01:04Well, that's fine. You know, sometimes love doesn't last forever.
01:07Yes, but the part that bothered me is that your wife's grandmother and your grandmother, they share the same last
01:13name.
01:14Okay. Well, not a lot of people share the same last name. It's not a big deal.
01:18Uh, my ex-wife is my cousin.
01:22Ha!
01:23But only my first cousin.
01:25Whoa!
01:26Mike, that is the closest kind.
01:27No, why is it fine for kings to do it?
01:29It's not!
01:31That's why we loved Lady Di. She was the only one who didn't look sickly.
01:34Yeah, she's the only one with a chin.
01:36Mike, wait, Mike.
01:37Leave.
01:40I, I have the worst taste in men.
01:42You really do, honey. I mean, you line them up, it's just loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
01:47Yeah, I get it.
01:48Yeah.
01:49But, you know, love is forever, especially when you marry your cousin.
01:54We're gonna laugh about this later.
01:56You're laughing now.
01:56I know. It's just so funny.
02:19You know this is giving divorced dad, right?
02:23Taking your sad daughter to ice cream to make her feel better.
02:26What's next?
02:26Eating cold hot dogs over the sink?
02:29Meeting your lady friend at the dog track?
02:32Is the ice cream making you feel better?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Okay. Then it's doing its job.
02:37If the Red Sox can break the curse of the Bambino, you can definitely break the curse of dating bad
02:42men.
02:43Do you know why I'm cursed, Dad?
02:45Why I pick bad men?
02:47No. Why?
02:48Well, I'll give you a hint.
02:50He's driving the van.
02:51How could it be my fault?
02:53You can't have daddy issues if your dad was never around.
02:56Do you hear yourself?
02:58Yes.
02:59There are way worse dads than me.
03:02Name one.
03:02Stalin.
03:03One.
03:03Bing Crosby.
03:05Two.
03:05Number three.
03:06Marvin Gaye's dad shot him.
03:07So you look at those guys, all of a sudden...
03:09You're the fourth worst dad.
03:11That's not what I was gonna...
03:12Dad, this is serious.
03:14I'm...
03:16I'm starting to think that I'm gonna die alone.
03:19You're not gonna die alone.
03:20Really?
03:21Yeah.
03:21I'm gonna be there.
03:22The military's gonna download my brain into some kind of Terminator-style robot, and then,
03:27you know, I'll outlive you by, like, probably a thousand years.
03:31Hey, what the hell is this?
03:34What am I looking at?
03:36Well, based on the signs I'm reading that you could also read, these are Belgian separatists.
03:41They're demonstrating, because they want to form their own country.
03:44I already don't respect Belgium, because it's basically Luxembourg with better PR.
03:48Now they want to form a tinier, lamier country.
03:51Lamier.
03:52Yeah.
03:54Dad, dad, dad, what are you doing?
03:57Oh, that was so rude.
03:59How dare you?
04:00But how can you put your drapeau like that?
04:02Oh, that was their flag.
04:04Well, they ought to work on that, because it looked like a sheet to me.
04:09Happy Friday.
04:10Yay.
04:12Happy Friday.
04:14Oh, no.
04:15No, no, no, we're not doing that.
04:16This weekend is the better opportunities for single soldiers.
04:20Happy Humper.
04:21Yes, we're gonna get you over that cousin Humper.
04:23Hey, he was a cousin Marrier, okay?
04:25He put a ring on it.
04:26It was their grandmother's.
04:29Um, you know, I was only ever really into Mike, because I thought that he was the perfect guy to
04:33help me get over Shaw.
04:35And now I have two guys to get over.
04:37Just come out tomorrow.
04:39Oh, look, my picker is so bad.
04:42The only good pick I've ever had was Shaw.
04:45Girl, he is married.
04:46Good point.
04:47Okay, look, this isn't a regular singles mixer.
04:50This is Maggie-proof.
04:52I had Papa Dacus hack into the invite list, and the first thing we did was get rid of all
04:56the women.
04:56And second, I invited the best officers from nearby bases, Europe, and beyond.
05:02Okay, I'm talking cream of the crop, top of the top, all for you.
05:05Wait, so you're telling me that you basically designed my own personal episode of The Bachelorette?
05:10Yes, and you can immediately go to fantasy suites, and I won't be judging.
05:16But I will want details.
05:17And if my bad picker tries to eat it?
05:20No, no, no, it won't.
05:20Look, because there is not a bad pick in the batch.
05:23You can't lose.
05:24Genius.
05:26I'm in.
05:31Ah, there's nothing like finishing the last item on your to-do list by 1500.
05:36This must be what drugs feel like.
05:38If you come down from your high soon enough, there's a Bruins game on pretty late tomorrow night at my
05:43house.
05:44Actually, that sounds good.
05:45Yeah, I can use a little break from Celeste.
05:46It's just that now that we're living together again, I forgot how much talking goes into a marriage.
05:50I mean, you have to, like, live your day, then you have to recap your day, then you have to
05:52listen to them recap their day, you have to live two days.
05:54Oh, God.
05:55You come to my house.
05:56Yeah.
05:56Not only that.
05:57Great.
05:58Right?
06:00Quinn.
06:01Bonjour, this is Bastien, the leader of the Belgian separatist movement.
06:06Ah.
06:07Don't recognize the name.
06:09Did we go to high school together?
06:10I was protesting in front of your base, and you drove through a flag, and that was disrespectful.
06:15No, I drove through a sheet, okay, that was blocking the entrance to my army base.
06:21You were trespassing on U.S. soil.
06:22Now, I demand a public apology.
06:24Let me tell you something, pal.
06:25You're barking up the wrong tree.
06:26I have never apologized for anything in my life.
06:28Not one thing.
06:29I didn't even apologize when I missed my daughter's birth.
06:32Oh, you will apologize.
06:33Or else what?
06:34I don't have an or else.
06:36We are a nonviolent movement.
06:37You got to have an or else when you're making demands, okay?
06:40It's just like, that's day one stuff.
06:43So, anyways, thanks for calling.
06:44I needed to laugh, and, uh, I'll never talk to you again.
06:48Bye-bye.
06:48Okay, I traced the call.
06:50I will notify Stroopstorff police.
06:52All three of them.
06:52They'll teach him to threaten the U.S. Army.
06:54Go slap the cuffs on his pervert ass.
06:57Wait, how do you know he's a pervert?
06:58Well, he speaks French.
07:04Hello, military boys.
07:06I only know how to make my ties in trouble,
07:09but I'm really good at making both.
07:11Ooh.
07:12Yes, you're here.
07:13That's so good.
07:15Yeah.
07:15Wow, this is, uh, amazing.
07:17I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel,
07:21except I can inherit property.
07:22Hey, are we at all concerned that these many men
07:25will be disappointed that there is only one woman to talk to?
07:27Oh, handle.
07:28Allow me to introduce you to the amazing Papadakis.
07:32Amazing Papadakis.
07:33Okay, so what's happening?
07:36Oh, so Papadakis is going to entertain the rest of the men
07:39with some up-close magic
07:40while you pull a bombshell for a chat.
07:42Hey.
07:43Oh, I thought you were the magician.
07:45Every great magish needs a less talented assist.
07:48Oh.
07:49Pick a card, any card.
07:51Now put it back in the deck.
07:54Now, check Papadakis' front chest pocket.
07:57Ooh.
07:58I know nothing's in there.
07:59Okay.
08:00I have very sensitive nipples.
08:02Those are a gift from God, and you should cherish them.
08:05Unless.
08:07Is this your card?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Gideon, you're so good.
08:11Uh, no.
08:12I'm the magician.
08:13I pulled the card from my pocket.
08:14He just does all the technical stuff that leads up to the reveal.
08:17Isn't that the magic?
08:18No.
08:19Magic is about charisma and charm, which I have in spades.
08:22You are full of spades.
08:24Oh, Gideon, yes!
08:26I'm so glad you guys.
08:27Puns and props.
08:27Who are you, Carrot Top?
08:29Just keep the men from leaving.
08:30Otherwise, I'm going to make you two disappear.
08:33Now, let's go find your soulmate.
08:34Mm-hmm.
08:42I wonder how Maggie's big night is.
08:47Maggie's what?
08:48Conway's throwing Maggie her big, uh, boss dating event as a sort of factory reset for
08:53her love life.
08:53Oh.
08:54It's good that she's getting some help, especially after that last guy.
08:57Because he really did a number on her.
08:59Oh, yeah.
09:00Which, you know, is her fault.
09:04Because she picked him.
09:06Like, it doesn't have anything to do with me, right?
09:09What?
09:10This is gonna sound crazy, but she said to me that, you know, it was my fault that
09:16she picks bad guys.
09:18You know, Freud did have a lot to say about parental dynamics affecting adult relationships,
09:22which, you know, he was a cocaine-addled freak, so I think we're in the clear there.
09:26Yeah, a lot of other psychologists think the same now.
09:28You'd be surprised how many people are on coke.
09:34Yeah, Quinn.
09:35Bonsoir, Colonel.
09:36What the hell?
09:37Why is your pervert ass not in jail?
09:38I was released on bail since I am no flight risk.
09:41I will stay here forever to fight for my country.
09:44Country, yes.
09:44Like, you're made-up country.
09:46It's like saying, hey, I'm gonna take a bullet for Narnia.
09:48I'm calling you with your or else.
09:50Okay.
09:51I'm here to destroy something that you care about.
09:54And, uh, don't bother tracing the call because it's coming from inside the base.
09:58What?
09:58Hey.
09:58You don't hang up on me, you...
10:00Okay, wait.
10:00Did we just turn a separatist into a terrorist?
10:03No.
10:04This guy's a non-violent terrorist, which is like saying you're a castrated gigolo.
10:08You know what I mean?
10:09He's unhinged.
10:10And if he wants an unhinged competition, he came to the right guy.
10:13A lot of punches are gonna be thrown.
10:15It's gonna be a bomb.
10:15I'm gonna bring my brass knuckles to this party.
10:17Let's go to Narnia.
10:22We implemented an exterior lockdown.
10:24MPs are patrolling on foot and by car.
10:26You know what?
10:27Stupid Belgians.
10:28They're just so...
10:30Well, I don't know what they are, actually, because I never cared enough to research the stereotypes.
10:35I did.
10:36They are everything that is bad about the French without anything that is good about the French.
10:40If he's gonna sabotage something, it's gonna be the cheese.
10:44Hey.
10:45Let's go, let's go, let's go.
10:46Come on, let's go.
10:49Is that a picture of Gideon holding your card?
10:58That's my phone!
11:05Hey, we got a situation.
11:07One of the Belgian protesters has infiltrated the base and is threatening sabotage.
11:11Sabotage?
11:12Yeah.
11:12Here?
11:13Yeah.
11:13Okay, what is he gonna do, pee and our cheese?
11:15Well?
11:17Oh, my God.
11:17Is he gonna pee and our cheese?
11:18We need to shut this event down.
11:20No, Maggie is just getting started.
11:22And Papadakis is gonna saw Gideon in half, and you know he doesn't know how to do that.
11:26Okay, well, maybe we could stay here and just, like, block the exits.
11:29What are you, nuts?
11:30We have a fox in the henhouse, okay?
11:31We need to stop him before he does real damage.
11:34Well, with Maggie's taste of men, she'll probably find him right away.
11:37Because she's kind of like a magnet for losers.
11:39That's the plan.
11:40Perfect.
11:41I was joking.
11:42That is morally reprehensible.
11:43Stop.
11:43We can't do that.
11:43I'm not doing that.
11:44Absolutely not.
11:45Just see, it's a perfect plan.
11:46She leads us to the guy.
11:47You distract her.
11:48We grab the guy.
11:49She's none the wiser.
11:50She starts talking to some other guy.
11:51I don't want to do that.
11:52Okay.
11:52How can you be so sure that she's going to find him?
11:54Because she's always looking for the next jerk, like Rick Silver, okay?
11:57So, here she comes.
11:58Just be cool.
11:59Be cool.
11:59Hey!
12:00Hey!
12:01Hi!
12:01What's going on?
12:02What are you guys doing here?
12:03We are here to cheer you on.
12:05Go, Maggie, win, dates.
12:09Stop.
12:09You meet anybody special at all?
12:12I can't say that anyone's really giving me, like, the jolt.
12:14Yeah.
12:14The jolt?
12:15Oh, you know, the jolt.
12:16Like, the whip of danger, the thrill of the unknown.
12:19And I'll get a little tingle in my, um, in my heart.
12:23Yeah.
12:23Like she got with Rick Silver, right?
12:25Oh, yeah.
12:26Yeah.
12:26Rick Silver's a liar, a cheater, and a spy.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Liar, a cheater, spy.
12:30For America.
12:32You know what, honey?
12:33The important thing is not to give up.
12:36Look at me.
12:37The guy, you know, three divorces down, and I'm still looking for my fourth, you know?
12:42So just go out there and get a jolt.
12:45Okay.
12:45I'll go back to what I was doing before.
12:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:47Yeah.
12:47Great.
12:47All right.
12:48Follow your instincts.
12:49Look for the jolt.
12:50All right.
12:50So she's going to lead us right to the French perv.
12:54Okay.
12:54And then we grab him, black bag him.
12:57Black bag him?
12:58Yeah.
12:59And we never leave home without him.
13:00All right.
13:00Let's fan out.
13:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:05Thank you very much!
13:08Okay.
13:09Go ahead.
13:09Oh, my God.
13:10I love dogs.
13:11Oh.
13:12Oh, so these aren't your dogs.
13:14These are, uh, just photos of random corgis.
13:18That's cool.
13:20I mean, that's cool.
13:20Um, wow.
13:23Oh, so you deliver sanitary products to developing nations.
13:25As a male feminist, uh, it's important to connect to menstruation.
13:29You say menstruation a lot.
13:32Would it be better if I said menses?
13:34No.
13:35That's a lot worse.
13:42What is that accent?
13:43It just makes my tailbone tingle.
13:45And why are you here?
13:46Oh, well, I'm just here hoping to meet somebody from the base tonight.
13:50Maybe.
13:51No, I'm tempted.
13:52But this night is not about me.
13:53You should talk to Captain Maggie.
13:55She's the star of the evening.
13:57Captain, huh?
13:58Mm-hmm.
14:07She's smiling, and he has a Belgian beard.
14:12Oh, she's into him.
14:13And we have physical contact.
14:15You're really funny, but...
14:18Nobody's that funny.
14:20I'm gonna get water, but I'll be back.
14:24Thank you, pal.
14:29Yeah, right.
14:29Let's go.
14:30Thank you very much.
14:31Come on.
14:31Let's go.
14:32Okay.
14:32Yep.
14:33I'll come.
14:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:34Yep, yep.
14:35Get in there.
14:37That's right.
14:38Get in that chair.
14:39Got him.
14:40Got him.
14:40Go.
14:41Yeah.
14:44Ha-ha!
14:46Yeah.
14:46I hope this country you're forming has free health care, pal,
14:49because I'm gonna put a boot so far up your ass,
14:50you're gonna need five doctors to get it out.
14:52He'll do it, man.
14:53You better listen to him.
14:54He's crazy, pal.
14:55I haven't done anything.
14:56I-I-I just met Maggie, and she seemed so easy.
14:59Hey!
14:59What did you just say about her?
15:00Easy to talk to!
15:00What did you just say about her?
15:01Easy to talk to!
15:02Jeez.
15:04I thought you were the good cop.
15:05Sorry, buddy.
15:05You're stuck in a room with two bad cops.
15:07Where's the accent, Belgian boy?
15:08Huh?
15:08What happened to the...
15:09Where'd he go?
15:09I'm an American!
15:10Liar!
15:11Okay?
15:11I saw Maggie talk to you at the party.
15:13You were the guy she was most interested in.
15:14That means you must be the biggest piece of garbage in the room.
15:17That's just...
15:18She was laughing at me.
15:20I'm vegan.
15:21I told her I don't need anything with a face.
15:23You said that out loud to a woman?
15:27Colonel, we got the wrong guy.
15:29That means...
15:31Wait, you still haven't told me your name.
15:34Oh, my name is Bobby.
15:36Uh-huh.
15:36And it's a real pleasure to officially meet you, Captain Maggie of Strobstorf.
15:42Mm-hmm.
15:43And you're not sure how you ended up at this party?
15:48Oh, I mean, I just walked through the door.
15:50Mm-hmm.
15:50But I can tell you all the roads I took that let me here.
15:53Mm-hmm.
15:53Yes, it is a real saw.
15:56What do you think I am, a hack?
15:58Let's do this.
15:59Wow, I think we're gonna be in the splash zone.
16:03Then maybe we should get out of here.
16:05Yeah.
16:06Hey, so in your country, can you marry your cousin?
16:08No.
16:10Music to my ears.
16:11Let's go.
16:16Voila?
16:18I know it's just laundry, but these facilities are as impressive as everyone said.
16:23Mm.
16:24Well, it's, uh, nice to be talked about.
16:27Sturdy.
16:28And not to brag, but we do laundry for a lot of important bases all over Europe.
16:33Come on.
16:33I'm sure you have more than that to brag about.
16:38So, Bupi, tell me more about yourself.
16:42What, uh, gets you out of bed in the morning?
16:47Don't love, but, uh, my love for my country.
16:51Same.
16:52Ready?
16:53Same.
16:53I'm literally wearing red, white, and blue underwear right now, so...
16:59Well, there's a reason we both became soldiers, I guess.
17:02To fight for something that we truly believe in.
17:08Uh, are the lights flickering in here?
17:11I would describe it as more of a, a jolt.
17:14You're talking about the lights.
17:15Yeah, yeah, uh, well, we've had, uh, electrical problems in the past, so it could be, but, you know.
17:21Hey, I can fix it.
17:22Just show me the breaker box.
17:24Oh.
17:24Yeah.
17:25Uh, handy.
17:27Mm-hmm.
17:27Yeah, I'll, uh, show you the breaker box.
17:29Mm-hmm.
17:32Where?
17:32You know we have keys for all these doors, right?
17:34What's more important to you, door jams or freedom?
17:38Ah, Bastion just turned on his phone.
17:40Okay, gotta ping on the location.
17:41Okay, Maggie and Bastion are in the laundry room.
17:43Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
17:43All right, hang on, one second.
17:44Yeah.
17:45Okay.
17:47Are you done?
17:48What?
17:49What?
17:50Yeah, so I think that the breaker box is somewhere in there, but, uh, the electricity is here.
18:04I have to tell you, Bobby, that my instincts are usually pretty terrible.
18:09I just pick all the wrong people for all different kinds of reasons that we don't have to get into.
18:13But I stopped trusting myself, you know?
18:15But tonight has given me hope that I can trust myself again.
18:18So thank you.
18:20Is it in here, or?
18:21Ah, no, your phone background is the Belgian Separatist flag.
18:24I'm no dummy, and it's an ugly flag.
18:26Don't!
18:27Did you just duck me in?
18:29Hey, hey, open the door!
18:33Hmm.
18:35Damn it.
18:36Yeah.
18:36He's gone.
18:38You know what?
18:40This is your fault.
18:41It's not my fault.
18:42You know, you always do this.
18:44Do what?
18:45You always put your job before Maggie, and you did it again.
18:48There's a room full of nice guys over there waiting for her right now, and she's not there.
18:52Why isn't she there?
18:54Because of me.
18:56Okay?
18:56I get it.
18:59In my defense.
19:01Hey!
19:01Oh, Maggie.
19:02Hi.
19:03Hi.
19:03So there's a Belgian Separatist that's running around the base who we've been trying.
19:07Yeah, yeah, I know.
19:08I, uh, I caught him.
19:09I trapped him in the laundry office.
19:11Oh, you caught him?
19:12Yeah, I knew something was up.
19:13He was way too into laundry.
19:15Huh.
19:15Yes.
19:16I'll just...
19:17You'll never...
19:18You won't...
19:18Oh, yeah.
19:19Okay.
19:21All right, listen.
19:22Um, you were right, and you do...
19:26You deserve an apology.
19:27You don't have to actually apologize.
19:31I really am sorry.
19:36I've been a really lousy, uh, role model, and I...
19:40I'm now...
19:40And I'm here, and I should try to be a better one.
19:45Oh, oh, it's okay, baby.
19:46No, it's fine.
19:47Okay, I'm sorry.
19:48No, I interrupted.
19:50You go on.
19:51Oh, no, no, that was it.
19:52Oh, I thought you would...
19:54That there's, like, more to be sorry for.
19:57Well, honey, I kind of meant that was like a blanket apology, so it wasn't...
20:01Oh, what about, uh, missing my birth?
20:03Your mother and I had a conversation about the following week that...
20:06Never teaching me how to ride a bike.
20:07I couldn't find a helmet that fit your head, because your head's oddly shaped.
20:10Okay, what about never telling me that you love me?
20:13I came so close on 9-11.
20:17But this...
20:18I am peacefully resisting.
20:19Work.
20:20Hey, what's up?
20:22So, so much cologne, bud.
20:24Hey, can I still call you?
20:25Yeah.
20:26No.
20:26No.
20:27No.
20:28You won't be calling anybody for a while, though.
20:30Let's go.
20:31You know what?
20:31You can call your lawyer.
20:33How about that?
20:34Should we get you back to that party?
20:36Nah.
20:36I don't think any of those guys are the right guy for me, you know?
20:41Yeah.
20:46He was tall, though.
20:48A little too tall.
20:54Oh, hey, dude.
20:55Oh, hey.
20:56Thank you again for tonight.
20:58And look, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but hey, at least this time you didn't realize
21:03you picked a bad guy.
21:04Oh, yes.
21:05Progress.
21:07Look, sometimes you don't get what you want, and you get what you need.
21:10And turns out I needed to watch my dad's speed date 50 men for me.
21:14Who's your favorite quarterback?
21:15Um, I don't actually like American football.
21:18Bye-bye.
21:19Dad.
21:20What am I supposed to talk to him about on Thanksgiving?
21:23You don't come to Thanksgiving.
21:24I'm coming to Thanksgiving starting this year.
21:31Sarcastic applause.
21:31That's what you give me.
21:32You get that from your mother.
21:34Favorite quarterback?
21:35It's going so well.
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