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Going Dutch - Season 2 - Episode 02: Farmer's Mark-tet Offensive
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00:09Cardinal Quinn, I want to thank you for allowing me to use USAG Struppstorf to announce my candidacy for Boehermeister.
00:17And you can thank me personally once you are the Burger-easter.
00:24Do we know why she wants to announce her candidacy here?
00:27It's pretty obvious.
00:28What?
00:29Like, you know, when a woman leaves an earring at a guy's apartment, that's her version.
00:33She needs to prance in here looking fine in that pantsuit for me.
00:36What is it with you in pantsuits?
00:38Come on, they're monochrome, buttons in all the right places.
00:41They leave nothing to the imagination, although I'm still losing my imagination.
00:46Katja is not here to flirt with you.
00:49Oh, really?
00:50She hasn't even talked to you in like three months.
00:52Maggie, you don't know women the way that I know women.
00:54Hello.
00:55I have discovered that the colonel, the bowling band of the Lake Habasas, her sloten haefte.
01:01I don't know what she's saying.
01:02She said something about boy bands, maybe?
01:04I don't.
01:05Unbelievable, you guys.
01:06Learn the language.
01:07Okay.
01:07She's saying...
01:10I heard giraffe.
01:11Oh, really?
01:12You heard...
01:13What would she be talking about?
01:14Jan, can you translate?
01:15Because I don't want to miss any compliments.
01:16This is back.
01:18Affle container.
01:20So she said that she discovered that the colonels closed the base's bowling alley.
01:24Bowling band?
01:25The bowling alley was the heartbeat of Stroopstorff Village.
01:28And she vows to fight the American oppressors who introduced the sport to the villages only
01:34to rip it away like heartless savages.
01:37This is an ambush.
01:38You know, don't worry about it.
01:39The people here love the base.
01:40We have the Yuli USA.
01:43See?
01:43Nah, your goose is cooked.
01:45Yeah.
01:45She just asked, who do you hate?
01:47Everyone hates you.
01:49USA!
02:11Hey, Roger!
02:13Listen.
02:13I know you're mad at me.
02:15And I know why.
02:16Because you need to hear a couple of words from me.
02:22I'm so very willing to take you back.
02:28Okay?
02:29So, clean slate.
02:30Start over.
02:31And can you just get up there now and call the dogs off, all right?
02:35Your absolute non-apology is meaningless.
02:39You exploited our relationship and my trust.
02:42Why would I take you back?
02:44Because women do it all the time, normally with me.
02:46Patrick?
02:47What?
02:47I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with you again.
02:52But this pantsuit?
02:55Yeah?
02:56Yeah, this was for them, not for you.
03:01Yeah, okay.
03:03Wow.
03:03Did she see that?
03:04Yeah.
03:06Embarrassing.
03:06She's still so in love with me.
03:08It's unbelievable.
03:09Yeah, it's certainly embarrassing.
03:11And did you catch the pantsuit?
03:13You know what I'm saying now?
03:13I mean, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave.
03:16Okay, we've got to start creating boundaries.
03:23Oh, my God.
03:23Look at this Katja announcement.
03:25The comments are insane.
03:26People are saying the bowling alley was considered a sacred third space.
03:29Yeah.
03:29I mean, if I'd known that, I would have closed it a lot sooner.
03:33And that is why they call you the devil.
03:36You know what?
03:36I've been called the devil in six different languages.
03:38I'm proud to add a seventh.
03:39Just a suggestion.
03:41But maybe you could consider focusing on de-escalating the situation.
03:47Honey, that's not a real thing.
03:49I know it's a word, but it's not a real thing.
03:51Words are words because they are things.
03:54In the U.S. military, we do not de-escalate.
03:56We escalate and escalate until we can't escalate anymore.
03:59Somebody wins, somebody loses.
04:01In this case, she lost.
04:02She lost something she'll never be able to get back again.
04:05That's what happened to her.
04:06You?
04:07Moa.
04:08That's why she's lashing out.
04:09That's why I have to escalate before she escalates.
04:13Ah!
04:14Did you see that?
04:16Escalation.
04:20I love how Maggie decorated this place.
04:23You know what?
04:23I don't know if it's the runner's eye, but let's split a croissant.
04:27What a carby, messy breakfast.
04:30I don't recognize my own husband.
04:33Ah.
04:36Is everything okay?
04:38Yes and no.
04:40There's something I need to talk to you about.
04:42When we were separated, I made what, in hindsight, were some questionable financial decisions.
04:50Because I was in a lot of pain.
04:52Like how much pain?
04:53I bought a boat with Terrence.
04:55The guy you dated for like three months?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Okay, but you don't even sail.
04:59I don't.
04:59I was just, uh, using it for recreational activities.
05:02Like water skiing?
05:04Like, uh, recreational activities on a boat.
05:09Oh my god, a sex boat?
05:11I was in a bad place, okay?
05:13You think?
05:13I was in a weird time in my life.
05:15Yeah.
05:15I, uh, watched a lot of, uh, is it cake on the dark web?
05:19And when it's not cake, you really wish it were cake.
05:24Okay, so what's the interest rate?
05:25Four.
05:26Four.
05:26Forty.
05:27Forty percent.
05:28Fine, this is my problem.
05:30My debt.
05:31I'm gonna handle it.
05:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:34If we're gonna make it work, we have to be a team this time, okay?
05:37Okay.
05:37We're gonna pay it off together ASAP.
05:39Wow.
05:39You really are the best.
05:41You are the best.
05:42And I can make smarter money choices.
05:44Like, just coffee.
05:45I don't need fancy, expensive coffees.
05:47I'm gonna try matcha.
05:49Right now?
05:51Thanks.
05:52Oh, hey, Conway, if you got any one of those hustles going on,
05:55provided it's completely legal, count me possibly in.
05:58Look, I just don't work with friends, so good luck, though.
06:02Yo, Shaw, I couldn't help but overhear about your money troubles
06:06with your wife's sex boat.
06:07Okay, Corporal, could you please stop saying sex boat?
06:09Pleasure cruise, bang raft, rub and tug boat?
06:13One more, and you're in the stocking.
06:14Well, you're lucky I only had those.
06:16Look, I have always wanted to do one of Conway's schemes.
06:19Guess what?
06:19We don't need her.
06:20I know one of her contacts.
06:22His name starts with a B or something.
06:24Either way, he's a transport pilot.
06:25Dude will hook me up at cost.
06:27No import fees or taxes.
06:28I am talking wine.
06:30Watches, sneakers, salamis.
06:32Set up a meeting if you want.
06:33They had a lot of different matches,
06:34so I got one of each.
06:36Huh.
06:38Let's set up that meeting.
06:39Okay.
06:40What are you doing?
06:42She's getting too close.
06:43Haven't you ever tailed a kid before?
06:44No!
06:45He's definitely a child soldier.
06:46Look at the unpredictable path he's taking.
06:48That's called skipping.
06:49No, it's called him being on a recon mission.
06:52Bram, what do you do?
06:53What the hell is this?
06:55It's the town farmer's market.
06:56It must have really expanded.
06:57What are you doing on U.S. property, huh?
07:00We use the bathrooms over here.
07:01Oh, great, great.
07:02So you hate us, but you come over here to use our bathrooms.
07:04Let me tell you something.
07:05America didn't become the number one country
07:07in the history of countries
07:08just so you could go number two wherever you want.
07:11America's only number one in obesity and health care costs.
07:15Hey, and roller coasters.
07:17Yeah, and roller coasters.
07:18Get the hell out of here.
07:19Back in through the hole.
07:20Tell your friend if they come near this hole,
07:22I'm going to shoot them.
07:26Yeah, that's right, kid.
07:28I'm the devil.
07:28Go tell your parents.
07:31All right, what do we got?
07:32Watches, purses, salamis.
07:34Even better.
07:38Lobsters.
07:39What?
07:40Bougie, right?
07:42What are you doing?
07:43You never mentioned live animals.
07:44Okay, when lobsters die, they're worthless.
07:47What are we going to do now?
07:49Well, step number one, we're going to relax.
07:52We're going to relax.
07:52Okay, we're going to be fine.
07:53We're going to be fine.
07:54Selling these lobsters is going to be as easy as selling lobsters
07:57to a...
08:00To a...
08:01I don't know.
08:02Yeah.
08:02Man, I don't know who to sell them to.
08:04I don't know how to sell them.
08:05Okay, this could be easier.
08:06It could be very, very hard.
08:06I don't even know how to cook the things.
08:08All right?
08:08Okay.
08:09I don't know what I'm doing, man.
08:10I'm way in the room of my head.
08:12Okay, listen.
08:12As a reasonable person who's grounded in reality...
08:15That's what we need right now.
08:16Yep.
08:17I am spinning.
08:18And I am out.
08:19No, hey.
08:20Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
08:22I don't get your half.
08:23That guy's breaking my legs.
08:25He's not going to break your legs.
08:28He's definitely going to break your legs.
08:30You're the logistics genius.
08:32Okay, okay.
08:35Lobsters.
08:36Lobster fest.
08:37Red lobster.
08:38Rock lobster.
08:39Surf and turf.
08:40Market price.
08:41Market price.
08:42Farmer's market.
08:43That's it.
08:43We can sell them at the farmer's market.
08:44It's the base.
08:45We can unload them today.
08:47Dude!
08:48I don't know why you're worrying so much, man.
08:50Okay, I'm a genius.
08:51Genius.
08:52Here we go.
08:52Here's my half of the lobster money.
08:54Emergency meeting in the conference room right now.
08:56That godforsaken farmer's market has got to go.
09:00You legally committed.
09:01You're right.
09:02Touch the lobster.
09:05You know, they call us names.
09:07They treat us like the enemy.
09:08But then they want to come over here and use our quilted American toilet paper.
09:11I don't think so.
09:12Well, in reality, they're probably just using our bidets.
09:15You're telling me they come over here to wash their asses?
09:19You gotta be kidding me.
09:21They want an enemy.
09:23They got an enemy now.
09:24But it is just a farmer's market.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Where you can buy, I don't know, vegetables, fruit, and very fresh, reasonably priced seafood.
09:32Anybody else craving a lobster roll?
09:33Yeah, me.
09:34I am.
09:35Does Katja really think we're just going to stand here and take this crap?
09:38I mean, we could.
09:39No, no, no.
09:40You know what this means, right?
09:41Well, it means that we could come to a mutually agreed upon solution.
09:44With our international partners.
09:46What a team.
09:47Father and daughter.
09:48I like that.
09:50Quinn.
09:50Quinn.
09:51Or.
09:51Quinn.
09:51Or.
09:52Just playing Dweevel's advocate.
09:54Oh.
09:54We can go to war.
09:56So I think.
09:58War.
10:00Yeah.
10:01War.
10:01Prepare.
10:02Prepare.
10:03For.
10:03War.
10:11You've moved past war right into the realm of war crimes.
10:14What are you talking about?
10:15This is very important smoke screen training that we do every year.
10:19Private someone?
10:20Unleash hell.
10:21It's not tear gas or anything.
10:23Just a little smoke.
10:24It barely burns.
10:26And you know, it's a very important exercise.
10:28Once it's up in the air and the wind takes over, there's nothing I can really do about it.
10:38And that is how you escalate.
10:47Oh, yeah.
10:49Fire another one.
10:52Hello.
10:53I am going to be speaking in English in a way that the Americans will understand.
10:58So, the people of Struppstorf are, like, really, like, united.
11:04And we are literally declaring an embargo on the base.
11:10Y'all.
11:10Our town will no longer sell fruit, produce, meat, milk, or eggs to the base.
11:17All you will be left with is your American slop.
11:20So, eat up, you partially hydrogenated little piggies.
11:25Are you excited?
11:27I'm obsessed.
11:29So, she just said, eat up, you American piggies.
11:32I understand English, young.
11:33Well, good.
11:34Good.
11:34Then you understand how bad this is.
11:37It's okay.
11:38We're equipped for this.
11:43We are not equipped for this.
11:45I have gotten these soldiers used to a Michelin star level of dining.
11:49And now the chefs refuse to cook their dishes without the finest, precious ingredients.
11:53So, I have no choice.
11:55We're serving MREs.
11:56It's ceviche Saturday, and now I'm eating Southwest Surprise Chunks.
12:03Surprise.
12:04The chunks are sharp.
12:06I need another vomit bucket.
12:08Okay.
12:09Hey, now will you let me de-escalate this?
12:12Listen, I also know Katya personally.
12:15And I feel like I can make some real headway if I come to her on a human level, which
12:20obviously
12:21you're not able to do because you are inhuman.
12:24I studied this in college, okay?
12:26So, I'd like to put it into practice.
12:28The problem with these soldiers is they're not tough enough.
12:31That's the real issue.
12:35But you are tough enough, right?
12:38Oh, yeah.
12:39This is stuff that soldiers are supposed to be eating.
12:42MREs.
12:49Oh.
12:51Go talk to her.
12:52Okay, yeah.
12:52Oh, my God.
12:54Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever had.
12:55Okay, thank you.
12:56At least get her to let some hot sauce in.
12:57Oh, my.
13:00pH balance looks good.
13:01Now, we just got to keep these babies alive until that river cruise ship docks on Cologne
13:04for the weekend.
13:05Old people love a soft meat.
13:07Now, historically, I'm not great at keeping secrets, but this time, I am going to do it.
13:11Okay, well, what about your new roommate?
13:12He's really struggling.
13:14Yeah, but since he transferred from Baumholder, I can tell from reading his journal.
13:17It's all, I don't think Papadex likes me.
13:20I don't think Papadex respects me.
13:21I think Papadex is reading my diary.
13:22It's worrying.
13:23No, no, no, no.
13:23I meant, can we trust him?
13:25Probably not.
13:26Oh, hey.
13:27Hey, uh, Specialist Gideon.
13:30Here he is.
13:30Keeping live animals in the barracks is against the rules.
13:33My God, this guy is such a narc.
13:35Okay, nobody's a narc.
13:36Nobody's a narc.
13:38Oh, no.
13:38I'm a narc.
13:39Okay, don't need to prove it.
13:41Um, how are we going to make this okay?
13:42What do you need?
13:45I want a lobster.
13:47Okay, okay, like to eat?
13:48What?
13:49No, to raise.
13:51Let's get him a lobster.
13:52Fine.
13:54Take Darren.
13:58You'll never be his real dad.
13:59Don't say that.
14:01I should have let that guy break your legs.
14:07Katya.
14:08Hi.
14:09Uh, I'm here to negotiate a truce with you.
14:13But, you know, we could get to the bottom of this as ladies.
14:16As a couple of ladies.
14:18Yeah.
14:19We cannot let our marginalization as women be weaponized in the interest of the American Empire.
14:26Be that as it may, I know neither of us wants this whole thing to get ugly, and we also
14:31know
14:31how crazy my dad can get.
14:33I mean, he thought you sent, like, a child soldier to the base the other day.
14:37I did.
14:39Sorry.
14:39What?
14:40Well, he was my tool to provoke a response.
14:43Your father acting the villain made me the hero.
14:47Are you saying that your goal was to escalate the situation?
14:52Of course.
14:54What else is there?
14:55Wow.
14:55You guys were really perfect together.
14:57No.
14:57He is the enemy.
14:58No.
14:59See, that's the thing.
15:00We're not the enemy.
15:01I mean, between us non-marginalized ladies, the base really brings more value to the community
15:06than it even does to the U.S. military.
15:08So, in other words, it's useless?
15:12Well, uh...
15:21Why are we laughing?
15:23Because I had somebody from the local government look at the original agreement between the
15:28U.S. government and the town of Strubsdorf, and he found something in the small print, and
15:34it says, if the base is rendered useless, it shall be returned to the Dutch people.
15:40Well, actually, jokes that you have to explain are not that funny.
15:45We are not going to stop at the farmer's market.
15:48We're going to take back the whole base.
15:51Well, I...
15:57You're telling me Katja wants to take back the base?
16:00Yes.
16:00Oh.
16:01I know, but I am going to fix it.
16:03I've got a lot of ideas.
16:04Oh, you have a lot of ideas how to keep me from becoming the first U.S. military leader
16:09in history to lose land in Europe.
16:12That's what you're telling me?
16:13Your diplomacy thing is done.
16:14You know what's happening?
16:15They're moving the farmer's market to the town square.
16:18We are going to storm it and get our goods back, okay?
16:20So, what I need from you right now is not ideas.
16:22I need four tanks.
16:26Open up.
16:27I know you're hiding shellfish in there.
16:31So, you tried to pull a con without Conway.
16:35This is the most amateur lobster smuggling I've ever seen.
16:39I expected more from you, Shaw.
16:40Yeah, so did I. I'm surprising myself.
16:42I just wanted a fresh start for Celeste and I.
16:44And I figured if I can move these lobsters, we have a chance.
16:49Wow, we are not in this for the same reasons.
16:51Of course I'll help you, Shaw.
16:52For 50% of the profits.
16:54Wait, 50%?
16:56I could have gotten money.
16:57Of course, I'm the only one who can fix this.
16:59You have all the power when you have the ear of the person at bow.
17:05Why aren't you out solving this farmer's market crisis?
17:07It involves all the things you love.
17:10Communication, soft power, fresh honey.
17:12True.
17:13Honey never goes bad.
17:16You know, I've already tried and failed at making peace.
17:19And my dad trusted me to do it my way.
17:22And now he is never going to trust me again.
17:25Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
17:27No one's good at anything their first time.
17:29Especially my high school girlfriend.
17:31I mean, you would think because we have the same parts
17:33that it wouldn't feel like she was looking for her keys
17:35at the bottom of her purse.
17:36But it did.
17:38That breakup was ugly.
17:40Like Katya and my dad.
17:44I need to get them to really talk.
17:46I should call my ex.
17:48I've been trying to solve the wrong problem the whole time.
17:50I mean, she has to be better at it by now, right?
17:53Right.
17:54Right.
17:55Anyways.
17:56Yeah.
17:56You get out there and you let your diplomat flag fly.
17:59Yes.
18:00Okay.
18:01Who's this?
18:06Katya, a moment.
18:07You know, they sell blow dryers on every street corner.
18:10Okay.
18:11You know, shutting down the base hurts you.
18:14This embargo hurts you.
18:16And moving forward with the fine print
18:18is mutually assured destruction.
18:20Well, sometimes you need to be broken down
18:22to be built back up.
18:24Like my father in the bedroom.
18:26Yeah, I got it.
18:27These are your poll numbers.
18:29Okay?
18:30You see, the people aren't really blaming my dad
18:33for closing the farmer's market.
18:34They're blaming you.
18:36And you need to talk to me.
18:38Well, not me, exactly.
18:40Okay.
18:41I will not.
18:42It's Indian food.
18:43Too much curry.
18:44Not enough ketchup.
18:45Dad, sit.
18:46I brought the ketchup.
18:49There is not a problem between the base and the town.
18:53There is a problem between the two of you.
18:55And we are not leaving this table
18:56until you two figure out how to get over this breakup
18:59without causing an international incident.
19:05And if you don't start talking,
19:06I will have to escalate
19:07with the king of heartbreak,
19:10Phil Collins.
19:12Play Take a Look at Me Now.
19:13No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:15Please, we'll talk.
19:16We'll talk.
19:19I did wear the pantsuit for you.
19:26She says she's proud to announce
19:28that the farmer's market
19:29and the base came to a resolution.
19:31They will give land to the town
19:33and the town will give new land to the base.
19:35And now, rather than standing on borrowed ground,
19:37we once again stand on Dutch soil.
19:40Oof, how joyous.
19:41Okay, I'm going to get a smoothie.
19:42And thank you, Colonel Quinn.
19:45And I ask you all to please support my candidacy
19:47for Boer Meister.
19:49So, is this good for us?
19:52I think Katz is going to win in a landslide.
19:55How do you like your new territory?
19:57First American military leader
19:59to gain land in Europe
20:00and give some back too,
20:01but the press release won't get that far.
20:03I mean, listen,
20:04we got a plum tree
20:05and they got a little piece of land
20:07with a broken sewage system
20:09because I flushed a bunch of our MREs
20:11down in their toilets I couldn't resist.
20:13That's basically like southwestern cement.
20:15And I got to say, you know what?
20:17You really would make a great politician.
20:19Really?
20:19Yeah, you're really good
20:20at dealing with difficult people
20:22like katcha, you know?
20:24Yeah, well, I have to admit
20:26there really was something
20:27to the whole escalation thing after all.
20:31Oh, God, that Phil Collins thing
20:32was just brutal.
20:34These are so good.
20:35Really?
20:35Mm-hmm.
20:36Laundry, cheese, plums.
20:38I like the sound of it.
20:45Two lobster sleeves.
20:46Right away.
20:47Right away.
20:47You got it.
20:48There you go.
20:51Very welcome.
20:52Oh, I love kids when they have money.
20:54So, do you keep getting back together
20:56with Celeste because she's a fun mess
20:58you like to clean up?
20:59No.
21:02Maybe.
21:03I don't know.
21:04Codependency is the strongest form
21:05of a relationship.
21:06It's how we work, okay?
21:07She makes things interesting
21:08and I like to feel needed.
21:11Okay.
21:12Well, at least the cadence sounded healthy.
21:15Yo, as soon as I figure out
21:16the exchange rate,
21:17we might be rich.
21:19And we just sold our last 20 lobsters.
21:21Yes!
21:27Party at our house
21:28to celebrate all the money we made.
21:30Because I just bought 20 lobsters.
21:35It's going so well!
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