- 1 hour ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 - Episode 03: There's No PX Like Home
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TVTranscript
00:05so let me get this straight your country is only 250 years old you know that's adorable
00:11we have discotheques that are older than that yeah i'm really jealous of your country's long
00:15history of total irrelevance this little baby country feeling thirsty because all i hear is
00:21google geeky and that's what little babies say get away from me google geeky have you caught
00:28semi-quincentennial fever yes i wanted to tell you about my version of that which i'm calling
00:34semi-colonel quin centennial it celebrates the country my service to it and of course you by
00:40virtue of being in my shadow i thought we'd print up some t-shirts for the soldiers oh cool no
00:45why
00:45we're just gonna celebrate the holiday that honors the country that all of the soldiers are missing
00:50i know and that is why i am gonna go all out with a big turkey dinner people hate turkey
00:55especially
00:55soldiers it's dry and it makes you tired holiday turkey dinners in the dfac are my fondest childhood
01:00memories and all of these troops have missed a lot of holidays being here and i just want to bring
01:04them that sense of home honey it's part of the job to not be home for the holidays i mean
01:09i can't even
01:10remember how many holidays i wasn't home for i do all of them and did you hear me complaining no
01:15operation zero dark turkey is a go all right we got to move fast if we want to get the
01:20bomb holder
01:21before the px closes you guys are going to bomb holder yeah the px is the only place i could
01:25find
01:25american turkeys you know like the hormone filled ones that look like they can host a manosphere
01:29podcast they were supposed to be delivered today and then there's like an issue so we're just gonna
01:33go pick them up i think it's obvious uh what the issue is right guys it's me davidson is upset
01:41with
01:41me because i humiliated him on the laser battlefield so he's holding our turkeys hostage that makes perfect
01:46sense i had just momentarily forgot that everything revolves around you but we're gonna get going
01:51does revolve hey i'm going with you because you are walking into a trap no yes i put on deodorant
01:56let's go i called a way back look you're not coming i am coming no you're not coming i am
02:03definitely you lose your mind on road trips no i don't do you remember taking the minivan down to
02:06disneyland yeah and then you yelled at me to stop singing 99 bottles of beer because you said it was
02:10an alcoholic shanty about improper liquor storage which it is let me tell you something missy
02:15i have been in a humvee that was exploded by an ied i think i can handle a little trip
02:19to the
02:20market 46 bottles of beer on the wall 46 bottles of beer take one down there's a roadside ambush when
02:29you
02:29need one
02:51are we there yet say it one more time and i'm going to order conway to open the door
02:55and push you out okay and i'll do it he did not put on enough deodorant well you know at
03:00least
03:01we're on our way to the px that store is a one-stop shop for all of the best chemical
03:05filled american
03:05products including deodorant that actually works also going to stock up on the bad boy of american
03:11soda the dew you know it's just such bullcrap that the same chemicals that make it taste awesome
03:17make it illegal here do you think that's maybe a sign you shouldn't drink it no the sign i shouldn't
03:22drink it would be that it makes my blood feel like lightning okay you're all making out bomb
03:27holder to be this great place now because of the px but i'm just warning you they're still the enemy
03:32nope not the enemy literally the same army honey you are being so naive about this i'm telling you
03:38davidson's up to something and you are just drinking his kool-aid which they also sell at the px
03:44so what are you getting from the px what oh i'm not going to the px bone holder was my
03:50original post
03:51some of my old friends are throwing a party and people my rider dies you have other friends
03:57are they anything like us is there like a mama ducas you know what don't tell me
04:03i want to be surprised i'm in for the party i would love for you to come to the party
04:09and you
04:09know i want you to meet my friends yeah for sure yeah yeah but it's an invite only at a
04:14secret
04:14underground speakeasy my hands are tied
04:19i've actually got texts too conway i do i got a text right now oh look at this dear comrade
04:25a revolution is upon us in the bourgeois pigs you know you go to one communist party meeting
04:42colonel quinn we were alerted to your arrival general davidson requests your presence in his
04:47office along the captain ah well just after we get our turkeys immediately hmm what's that smell
04:54wait oh yeah it's a trap so colonel what brings you here you know why we're here he's just plain
05:03dumb we are here to pick up our turkey sir he knows that we're also serving turkey for the
05:08semi-quincentennial nothing says america like holiday turkeys i couldn't agree more
05:14we had ordered our turkeys from your px for delivery but then someone explained that there was an issue
05:19with the ordering system yeah the computer is all over the base are down that's so horrible sir
05:23you know what i think happened i think you canceled the orders on purpose because you are still
05:28so upset that i humiliated you so beautifully on the laser battlefield i will say all of this turkey
05:36talk has given me a genius idea what if i roasted 250 turkeys for america's 250th and in order to
05:44do that
05:44i would have to requisition all the remaining turkeys in the px well respectfully general those are our
05:52turkeys and you couldn't possibly need that many right you'd end up throwing half of them out what's
05:58more american than gluttony and waste you know what sir you can take all 250 turkeys and put them in
06:04a
06:05rocket ship and fire them into space i don't care i care about the turkeys they make it feel like
06:12home
06:12you're missing the point he thought he had me and now he doesn't have me and don't buy into the
06:16home bs
06:16that's what he wants he's playing a psyop mind game here okay if you buy into the home bs he
06:21wins home
06:21is not bs okay and and this was not a trap it became a trap because of your ego and
06:26that's
06:26i'm so sorry sir please captain continue i would love to hear exactly what you think about colonel quinn
06:33as a parent you don't have to do that that's an order
06:36mm-hmm well you can't comprehend the feeling of home because it is something you have run away
06:45from your entire adult life and now that we are spending time together you want a lot of credit
06:49for showing up as a dad right but when you do you are terrible at it wow that went better
06:57than i
06:57could have possibly imagined popcorn okay
07:01okay girls catch me up on all the tea jen are you still dating
07:27he who shall not be named no no hayley's with him though guilty but i can totally change i know
07:34there's a darty in there darty being day party sad there's this weird guy trying to get in who wasn't
07:41invited ew conway can you please tell him you know me she's not letting me in do you know him
07:48no yeah
07:49you know i'm gonna handle it okay she's not letting me in even though it's clear i have immaculate vibes
07:55he's good yeah i told you papa jacques what are you doing here my friends are very particular and
08:02if they think somebody doesn't meet their standards they can be very harsh uh conway this is me we're
08:08talking about people can't get enough of me okay well for one i was prom king largely due to the
08:15fact
08:15i invented a very easy to learn dance that took the night by storm oh no no no no no
08:19invented dances
08:21just small talk uh who wants to talk about animal cloning a lot of pros zero cons here's
08:31a little thing i made on my phone slothadillo that's cutie right smaller talk
08:41check the px nothing left but a few guinea fowl
08:48you know for what it's worth uh i also know what it's like to have a dad who never listens
08:53i thought you and your dad had like a great relationship yeah we did i was just trying
08:56to make you feel better yes thank you yeah
09:02i'm really sorry it's okay i mean he has ruined most holidays my whole life so why would this
09:08one be any different you gotta admit that's a pretty impressive streak yeah well he can't help
09:12himself everything that he does he does without considering the consequences or how it'll affect
09:18other people's feelings and you know yes who stole your turkeys
09:24wait like stole stole yeah davidson's gonna lose his mind
09:35pretty great huh who's the disappointing dad now you what are you talking about i stole your turkeys
09:41hey start loading them we gotta move you didn't do this for me this is all about your stupid
09:44schoolyard rivalry with davidson honey i could have done so many different things to get back at
09:48davidson i chose the one that helps i was just begging davidson for turkeys and now the turkeys
09:54are missing so he is going to think that i did it major can you please take the turkeys out
09:59of the
09:59van he doesn't even know they're missing yet it's the perfect crime will you put them back into the
10:03van please crimes get people like me kicked out of things like the army major please take the turkeys
10:12out of the van okay you just so you know that these are very cold and i didn't bring gloves
10:16can we
10:16all just put the turkeys back before anybody notices they're gone that's way riskier than what
10:21i just did fine i'll do it myself stop stop i'll do it i'll do it i'm in charge
10:29you know i just love your shirt it's such a fun choice it looks like something my dad would wear
10:36on vacation yeah thank you dads are the best although i've never met mine
10:42oh what a cool thing to bring up at a party
10:47see come away your friends love me and my je ne sais quoi
10:54that's french for swag papadakis they're making fun of you
10:59oh if you guys want to do shade i can do shade no no we don't have to do no
11:02i can do shade hey hayley
11:04i might look like your dad on vacation but unlike him i'm not staring out of the ocean wondering why
11:09i
11:09spend all my money on my daughter's c plus nose job
11:15that's actually hilarious not as hilarious as thinking you're pulling off that chunky belt
11:18you look like an olympic weightlifter we're out of here
11:22that's mean okay wow i did not know you could swing it like that
11:27yeah it's because being mean is easy i just didn't realize they were being mean because
11:32i didn't think you'd be friends with like mean girls
11:37unless
11:41you're a mean girl
11:42oh no papadakis you know me
11:45do i last week when you complimented my shirts looking like crop tops and my belly sticking out
11:52were you making fun of me
11:53no i genuinely meant that your man flipper is powerful
11:56i don't know what to believe anymore
11:58i need some air
12:03how bad is it
12:06quinn
12:07lock down the base find those turkeys
12:09couldn't we just celebrate by cooking and throwing away some cornish game hens
12:13no
12:14it's not the same
12:23okay clear geez could they walk any slower
12:26this
12:27space is on high alert obviously which is just gonna make it more fun
12:30we are gonna get into the kitchen through the defect we're gonna cut the lights disable the
12:34cameras and put the turkeys back into the refrigerator and bing bang boom
12:37it's like nothing ever happened
12:38trauma lasts a lifetime
12:40that's true
12:40got your text why are we hiding
12:44we're doing a reverse exfiltration of the turkeys
12:48i don't know what that means but i'm in
12:50wait where's conway
12:51she knows bomb holder better than any of us we need her
12:54she chose her mean girlfriends
12:55any compliments she ever gave you about your outfits was a lie
12:58we are better off without her
13:00oh here we go
13:01this thing brought this beauty with me
13:03you brought a go bag
13:05this is not a go bag
13:06those are for cowards who run away from the danger
13:08this is a go-in bag for guys like me who run at the danger
13:12okay
13:14oh
13:16there we go baby
13:17whoa whoa no weapons
13:19that's my lucky knife has been with me on every mission for the last 25 years
13:22you know what grab your butter balls and let's go
13:25come on
13:33excuse me colonel what does that hand signal mean
13:34i'm not sure i've ever known when any hand signal meets
13:58this is almost as real as call of duty
14:00okay for the last time call of duty is based on the army
14:04not the other way around
14:11turkey fridge
14:12i don't want to clock
14:13that you understand
14:18i know that irish s.o.b is here somewhere
14:21fall back fall back
14:22quick
14:25oh my god
14:26come with me if you want to live
14:28sorry margs make me dramatic
14:31margs
14:38there's a hidden door behind you somewhere i just have to push the right spot
14:43whoa dad dad
14:44i think this is what you're looking for
14:47see
14:48lucky knife
14:49oh secret passage
14:54let's go we gotta move
14:55hey we gotta get going let's go let's go
14:56i know you're in there quinn come out and face me like a man
14:59come on dad hurry hurry
15:00no listen to me you were right
15:02i was just getting revenge on davidson
15:04i don't want it to blow back on you
15:05so ditch the birds go back to stroop's door and i'll buy you some time
15:08no dad wait
15:12hello colonel gobble gobble
15:20i'm gonna ask you one more time
15:22where
15:23are
15:24those
15:26turkeys
15:27name patrick quinn
15:28rank
15:29look don't try that r-t-i-b-s with me i took interrogation resistance training also
15:35so
15:36name patrick quinn
15:38rank
15:39quinn
15:39colonel
15:40be serious and tell me where the turkeys are
15:43okay
15:45serial number seven
15:47seven
15:49three
15:49now i know you're not in this alone
15:51i know you don't care about turkeys
15:53but your daughter does
15:55and if i find out
15:57and i will
15:58that she's involved in this
16:00i will see to it
16:01that she is
16:05dishonorably
16:05okay
16:06discharged
16:07general i'll talk
16:10six
16:13five
16:14zero
16:17i can't believe that my dad stood up for me like that
16:21i mean
16:21the only time he's done anything even close to that is when he
16:25fired my mean piano teacher because she refused to teach me scenes from an italian restaurant
16:29look i think it's pretty clear that being a dad doesn't come naturally to the colonel
16:33commanding officer is more his wheelhouse
16:35you know a lot of my holidays were spent with him on missions
16:37like this
16:38well
16:39not exactly like this
16:41birds were not frozen
16:43the birds were black hawk helicopters
16:45there's a little bit more high stakes
16:46actually significantly more high stakes
16:49missions are his love language
16:51hello
16:51this place is crawling with mps we gotta get to the van
16:54wait wait wait i have an idea
16:57damn it i thought i could break you
16:59no nothing can break me except
17:01feel the dreams
17:02oh maybe brian's song
17:04look look just just confess and get it over with
17:07sir i have located captain quentin
17:09maggie what are you doing here you're supposed to be
17:12well i i think i know where the turkeys are
17:14well she can't know where the turkeys are because i was the one who
17:17well wouldn't the turkeys be in the fridge
17:19what do you think i didn't check the fridge
17:22well have you checked it recently
17:25sir
17:30how it's okay sir you know i forget where i put my keys all the time but if this gets
17:37worse you should probably talk to someone so if they're all accounted for we'll just be on our way
17:42happy uh semi-colonel quincentennial sir
17:52so that was a pretty slick movie pulled in there
17:54but didn't i tell you to get the hell out
17:57yes but i had to thank you
17:59in a language that you would understand
18:03because i i didn't get it before
18:04okay but now i do
18:06you were more at home on a mission
18:09than you ever were at our dining room table
18:12yeah
18:12but now we're serving together
18:14so that home finally includes
18:17me
18:20yeah
18:21yeah
18:23yeah
18:28now you could say something sweet
18:34yeah
18:35um
18:36two guys are here
18:39hey
18:39quick px run
18:41we thought the troops could use a real taste of home
18:43well
18:43not real mostly chemical but still
18:45well
18:45that is actually perfect
18:47okay
18:48hey
18:49here we go
18:49papadakis
18:50what
18:51i need some space
18:52i don't want to hear an apology
18:54i've got something special for you
18:55oh my god
18:56you serious mountain dew syrup
18:58yeah
18:58we can make like fountain dew with this
19:00okay but don't drink it straight
19:01that's what truckers do
19:02you will be up for 48 hours
19:04yeah i won't do that
19:05for sure
19:07when i first got to stroopstorf
19:08i felt like i was stranded on an island of losers goofballs and nerds
19:13but now i'm starting to realize i might be more of a loser goofball nerd than i'm like
19:17comfortable admitting so
19:20welcome to the island life
19:24isn't that right mountain dew baby
19:26i managed to sneak you on turkey
19:29what
19:33wait but how
19:34we put them all back
19:48tell me uh which mountain did you say this dude was from
19:527-eleven jan
19:53i mean it's by just
19:56built up your addiction
19:57but do american toxins taste so good
20:00because we're the best
20:02now a victory bite
20:04to celebrate our very first reverse exfil
20:11yeah i forgot how uh dry turkey is
20:14not if you carpet vomit with ketchup
20:17there's plenty left too
20:19there you go
20:19yep
20:20yeah there you go
20:23that'll do the trick
20:24oh yeah
20:25it's good it helps
20:26it's good oh yeah
20:27it's delicious
20:29don't
20:30do not
20:31oh he did it
20:32yeah he did it
20:34no don't chase it with the dude
20:36that will help
20:37happy semi-colonel quincentennial everybody
20:48who's ready to learn the dance that took my prom by storm
20:52five six seven eight
20:54everybody follow me to the left
20:57to the right
20:58okay
20:59two set back
21:01clap your hands
21:06now get down low and pump the ground
21:08that's it
21:10really get the ground pregnant
21:13let's get the guitar
21:14definitely have that fountain dew uncut
21:15okay are you sure this is the dance that made you bronc king
21:18yeah it was a covid year
21:20it was all over zoom
21:22five six seven eight to the left
21:25to the right
21:27please stand back
21:28put it inside
21:29clap your hands
21:31clap
21:31clap
21:32clap
21:32clap
21:33clap
21:33now get down low and hop to the ground like crazy
21:36it's going so well
21:37clap
21:40we're gonna get him
21:40we're gonna get out of ouraudible
21:41and hop to the final
21:42can you see a
21:42you
21:42can you
21:42know
21:43we're gonna get out of my
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