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Late Night with Seth Meyers - Season 13 - Episode 14: Stephen Colbert, Marc Shaiman
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00:05From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, it's late night with Seth Meyers, the night, Stephen
00:13Colbert, author Mark Shaman, and now Seth Meyers.
00:28Good evening, everybody.
00:29I'm Seth Meyers.
00:30We hope you're doing well.
00:31And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
00:33President Trump announced yesterday that he is sending border czar Tom Homan to Minneapolis
00:39amid protests over federal immigration enforcement operations.
00:43I'm sorry, this is the guy you're sending to soften your image?
00:47He looks like the corner man for Yvonne Drago.
00:51He looks like he should be telling the Joker that Batman is getting away.
00:57In a new interview, President Trump discussed a secret military weapon that was used during
01:02the capture of Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro and called it, quote, the discombobulator.
01:08Well, thank you, President Marvin the Martian.
01:12I'll stop Maduro with my discombobulator.
01:19Kind of not bad.
01:21Hello.
01:24They wrote it without knowing I had one.
01:28In a new interview, President Trump said he's not happy that the NFL selected rapper Bad Bunny
01:33and Green Day to perform at the upcoming Super Bowl.
01:35Buddy, it's never going to be Kid Rock.
01:39Even if they held a stadium event to honor Kid Rock's legacy, they'd get somebody better
01:45to do the music.
01:48President Trump on Sunday repeated his criticism of a new NFL kickoff rule aimed at reducing
01:53player injuries and said, quote,
01:55The original was big time, strong, glamorous, and exciting.
01:58Yeah, football ain't what it used to be.
02:00I also hate how they changed the coin flip so the coin doesn't actually flip.
02:10According to a new survey, 43% of Americans said that they're trying to stick to an earlier
02:15bedtime instead of saying up late, well, if someone with three kids to put through college,
02:20please stop.
02:24Taco Bell has unveiled a new Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch Sauce, which combines ranch with its Diablo
02:30hot sauce.
02:30So now the bathroom is for anyone but customers.
02:37And finally, the maker of the alcoholic beverage, Buzz Balls, are releasing a new nine-carat lab-grown
02:44diamond ring that will be sold on eBay.
02:47So if you like Buzz Balls and are thinking about proposing, maybe finish high school first.
02:54And that was the monologue, everybody.
02:57We've got a great show for you tonight.
02:59We've got a special show for you tonight.
03:01He is a comedian writer, a Strikeforce 5 podcaster.
03:05You know him from The Daily Show, The Colbert of War, and as the host of The Late Show with
03:10Stephen Colbert
03:10on CBS, our friend Stephen Colbert.
03:14Back on the show.
03:17He is a multi-talented composer, lyricist, arranger, and producer whose work you know from SNL.
03:24Iconic films such as Sister Act and Sleepless in Seattle and the Broadway musicals Hairspray
03:28and Some Like It Hot.
03:30His memoir, Never Mind the Happy Showbiz Stories from a Soar Winner, is available now.
03:34Mark Shaman is also joining us.
03:37I totally can tell that.
03:41If I may, there's something I need to get off my chest.
03:45So I did a small favor for a neighbor recently, and they, as a token of thanks, gifted me a
03:51candle.
03:51Yeah, a candle.
03:53Like I'm a medieval peasant.
03:56Whatever.
03:57Anyway, I went on with my day.
03:58All I had on my schedule was a walk through the mall.
04:00Yeah, the mall.
04:01I go for walks in the mall.
04:04Is that a crime?
04:05Anyway, I'm passing by one of those candle kiosks.
04:07You know the ones.
04:08The smell of it hit me so hard, I forgot the name of my daughter.
04:11My own daughter!
04:13The nasty potpourri scent, it just lingered with me.
04:16It's not good.
04:17So my mall walk was ruined.
04:19Went home, came through my front door, and what do I see there in the living room?
04:22My wife had lit a candle in the kitchen.
04:24Three candles!
04:26One day!
04:27And I'm sorry, but I just have to say this.
04:29The candle era ends now.
04:31At this point in the broadcast, Seth launched into a 60-second obscenity-laden tirade about
04:36candles and how, in his opinion, they are an outdated relic of a pre-electric age that
04:40we cling to out of misguided nostalgia.
04:42Network policy prevents us from broadcasting his comments, but due to a technical issue,
04:46we were forced to air this portion of the show.
04:49In short, Seth believes that candles had their time, but no longer have a place in modern
04:52society, much like horse and buggies, fountain pens, and the phrase, let's circle back.
04:56He then suggested that people who give candles as gifts may as well give a framed picture
05:01of a shrug, and that a gifted candle says exactly three things.
05:05I don't know you.
05:06I don't want to know you.
05:07I hope you have a table.
05:08Seth then turned his ire towards candles being used for romantic lighting, specifically during
05:13sex, saying there is only one way to have sex, lights off, clothes on.
05:17At this point, Seth felt he had said all he needed to say about candles and was ready
05:21to calm down and continue with the show.
05:23So, to wrap up and symbolically signal the end of the candle era, he produced a cupcake
05:28with a small candle in it and blew it out.
05:31But the candle relit itself.
05:33A trick candle.
05:34This triggered something deep down inside of Seth, and you could see in his eyes he was
05:38lost in a memory.
05:39A party.
05:40For his seventh birthday, children's laughter.
05:43At him, they were still laughing.
05:54He held the candle up close to his face, his expression a cold, terrible smile.
05:59You've got your tricks.
06:01I've got mine.
06:02Seth reached under his desk and pulled out a small drawstring sack with the word fireproof
06:07stenciled in red on the side.
06:09He placed the cupcake and candle, still flickering, inside the sack and pulled the drawstring closed
06:14tight with one sharp tug.
06:15The camera held on the bag as if something were supposed to happen.
06:19Then, it did.
06:21The bag jerked violently.
06:23Then again.
06:24Weaker.
06:25And then, nothing.
06:28Seth then tossed the sack to his stagehand Jimmy, who has ties with the Gambino crime
06:32family, and said,
06:33Chuck it in the river with the others.
06:36Seth then turned his attention to scented candles, admitting he still had a lot of shame
06:40from his time freelancing as a scent-namer for Yankee Candle back in the 90s.
06:44He had submitted over 9,000 names, and not one was picked.
06:48And they were good, he claimed.
06:50Real good.
06:51He read some of the would-be aromas from a list he kept in his wallet.
06:54Cashmere Glade.
06:56Nana's Bosom.
06:57Velvet Sigh.
06:58Midnight Breeze.
07:00Then, with a disgustingly smug grin and a hand raised to the side of his mouth as if
07:04he were delivering some hot goss, he quipped,
07:06I've made a few midnight breezes in my time.
07:08Now that's a scent my wife will not be purchasing any kind soon.
07:12He turned to his head writer, Alex Bayes, and said,
07:15This guy knows what I'm talking about.
07:18But Bayes just stared.
07:20Come on, Bayes.
07:21You know what I'm talking about.
07:23Bayes continued to stare.
07:25Bayes.
07:28Bayes, tell me you know what I'm talking about.
07:32Bayes then sighed an impossibly deep sigh and said,
07:36Yeah, farts.
07:38At the word farts, Seth proceeded to guffaw so violently that he threw his back out.
07:43Bayes, on the other hand, cracked three molars and a bicuspid from clenching his jaw too hard.
07:49At this point, Seth's crew member, Kenny Coyle, stepped forward holding a plastic shopping bag.
07:54If regular candles aren't doing it for you, you probably just haven't found the right one.
07:58Let Kenny hook you up with something special.
08:01Then, from the bag, Kenny lifted a candle unlike any that Seth, or anyone, had ever seen.
08:07It was housed in a two-liter cola bottle and appeared to be filled with gravel, nails, and some kind
08:12of black goo.
08:13I made it myself, he said proudly.
08:16Kenny, not to insult your gift, but this looks like, he searched for a word,
08:20A bomb.
08:21Kenny assured Seth that it couldn't be a bomb because, according to the terms of his parole,
08:26he wasn't allowed to make bombs anymore.
08:29Seth placed Kenny's gift gently to the side and groused about what a gross mess candles make when they burn
08:34down.
08:35All you're left with is a pile of yucky melted wax, he said.
08:39It looks like a witch's face.
08:41At this point, a woman in the audience with a melted wax-ish looking face leaned forward and shouted,
08:47Wow, okay, stereotype much?
08:50Seth squinted out to the audience and said,
08:52Excuse me?
08:53The melted-faced woman scoffed.
08:55We're really still doing this?
08:57In 2026?
08:59Seth took in the woman's stringy hair and tattered robes.
09:02He replied,
09:03Are you not a witch?
09:05She rolled her eyes and said,
09:06You wish.
09:07She then pointed to her companion sitting beside her,
09:10a bodacious magazine model-type woman wearing a sexy Halloween witch outfit,
09:14and claimed that, in fact, she was a witch,
09:16even though she didn't adhere to Seth's outdated facial standards.
09:20Seth asked for proof, and the bodacious witch obliged.
09:23To prove she actually was a witch,
09:24she would cast a magic spell by saying the words,
09:27Huma Numanu three times,
09:29causing an ordinary gentleman to fall into a deep love trance and succumb to true love's kiss.
09:34She then gestured to the man sitting beside her,
09:36who was played by none other than Seth's staff writer, Ben Warhite,
09:39who incidentally wrote this sketch.
09:41It bears mentioning that this is not technically a sketch,
09:43this is a live broadcast of actual events as they occurred in the studio.
09:46And yet Ben Warhite apparently wrote it.
09:47This paradox was not addressed.
09:48Huma Numanu!
09:49The witch boomed.
09:51At this point, Ben grew visibly uncomfortable
09:53with the idea of having written a scene
09:55in which a beautiful woman had been cast specifically to kiss him,
09:59the writer, on camera.
10:00A casting session he had sat in on.
10:02He worried, perhaps correctly,
10:04that this would make him look like a misogynist loser,
10:06a man using his modest power as a staff writer
10:09to manufacture physical affection from an attractive stranger.
10:12Had this been obvious to everyone but him?
10:14Was this a blind spot?
10:16Was he actually just some f***ing creep?
10:18At this point, Seth observed that the biggest telltale sign
10:21Ben had written the sketch
10:22was that it hadn't cut back to him in, like, three minutes.
10:25Huma Numanu!
10:26The witch boomed a second time.
10:27Ben was spiraling now.
10:29Had he always been this way?
10:30Was this a pattern?
10:31He wasn't sure.
10:32What he did know was that now, in this moment,
10:35he had a choice.
10:36He could be different.
10:37Better.
10:38He would...
10:39Huma Numanu!
10:40Ben froze.
10:41His eyes glazed over.
10:42And now, under her spell of love,
10:44Ben turned.
10:46Not toward the bodacious witch,
10:47but to the unassuming elderly fellow
10:50seated to his right.
10:51Yes, that's the one.
11:05NBC would like viewers to disregard Seth's opinions about candles,
11:08as they do not reflect the network's position
11:10and do not make any sense.
11:11We now resume our broadcast.
11:12And you candles can take your fire right back down to hell,
11:16because you burnt!
11:17Woo!
11:19That felt good to get off my chest.
11:21We'll be right back with Stephen Colbert.
11:42Our first guest tonight is an Emmy, Grammy,
11:45and Peabody Award-winning comedian, writer,
11:48and Strikeforce 5 podcaster.
11:49You know from his work on The Daily Show,
11:51The Colbert Report,
11:53as well as the host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,
11:55which airs weeknights on CBS.
11:57Please welcome back to the show my very good friend,
11:58Stephen Colbert, everybody!
12:20Please join us!
12:22Oh, oh, lovely.
12:24Oh, my God.
12:25You have the same rule I heard.
12:26You think you have to sit down second.
12:29The host, you do have to sit down second.
12:31Yeah, I know, but you kept thinking,
12:32you were trying to make me wait, but I'm the host.
12:34I'll tell you the rule.
12:35I would have waited you out.
12:37I'll tell you the rule that I do
12:39is that I got to do something I never get to do with the guests,
12:42is that if we hug, my head just now was downstage.
12:46Oh.
12:46I always allow the guests head to be downstage.
12:49I think I do, too.
12:50Yeah, well.
12:50I don't think about it, though.
12:53I think about everything I do.
12:56Every moment.
12:56I'm crippled.
12:57So none of it comes to you naturally.
13:00I'm crippled by second-guessing every action, yes.
13:02And then we go back and we re-edit the entire show.
13:05I do every moment of the show three different ways.
13:08No, no, try this.
13:09Give me the B option.
13:11Well, you were here ten years ago,
13:12and you actually remarked that this is a moment
13:15where you had exactly what you were just talking about.
13:17It's been ten years.
13:17Ten years, and you came out on this show,
13:19and you had a moment where you realized.
13:21I, ten years ago, I guess, had I already gotten the new gig,
13:24or was I about to?
13:24I knew you were doing it, but it hadn't started.
13:26I was going from, I was going to,
13:27oh, well, I'm going to be a network late-night talk show host.
13:29I don't need to put any effort in.
13:31Right.
13:32I am that guy.
13:33Yeah, you can just come out and do anything.
13:34And so I would just come out, whatever.
13:35I'm me.
13:36Enjoy that I am.
13:37And I walked downstage thinking,
13:39oh, Seth's a friend.
13:41This is going to be fun.
13:41I don't want to put any effort into it.
13:43And I walked as far as this seat,
13:45and I went, this is a huge mistake.
13:47I should really put any effort into this.
13:50And I think if I've watched it,
13:52you can see the moment.
13:54Do you have it?
13:55Yeah, we have it.
13:55You watch.
13:56You'll see the moment when I realize
13:57I should be professional on some level.
14:00Do you have it?
14:00Let's take a look.
14:04How are you?
14:05Wow.
14:06Hello.
14:07Hello.
14:10Happy to be here.
14:11Wow.
14:12Breaking it in.
14:13You're breaking it in.
14:14Look at this new set.
14:15Isn't it something?
14:16That second wow is where I went.
14:18That first wow was not nearly wow enough.
14:22It is wonderful to have you since,
14:24I mean, in the last year,
14:26you had something very special happen.
14:27You won the Emmy.
14:28Congratulations.
14:29Yeah, we won.
14:29It was very nice.
14:30It was a lovely night.
14:31It was a great night.
14:31Great for the staff and everything like that.
14:33It's really lovely.
14:34Heavy was there.
14:35We had a good time.
14:36So much more fun if you win.
14:38Oh, my God.
14:38Yeah.
14:39Yeah.
14:39But I will say, like,
14:40it was very special
14:41and I was very happy when you won.
14:42And one of the things that's changed
14:43in the last, like, three years
14:45in our, you know, in our category
14:48is that we're all a lot closer
14:49because we did a podcast together
14:50called Strike Force 5.
14:51Right.
14:52During the strike of 2023.
14:54Yeah, that sounds about right.
14:55That was a lot of fun.
14:56You, me, Jimmy Fallon,
14:58John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel.
14:59Exactly.
15:00And it was so, I mean,
15:01I enjoyed it a great deal.
15:02Like, one, we were, you know,
15:03we were making,
15:04we were raising money for our staffs
15:05who were currently,
15:07at the time, not working.
15:08Yeah, 12 episodes.
15:09Raised a ton of money.
15:10And it was really nice
15:12to be closer to everybody
15:13who does this for a living.
15:14Yeah, you really,
15:15for me,
15:15you really turned a corner.
15:17Yeah.
15:19I went, yeah, I get it.
15:20You were kind of there.
15:21You were already there
15:22on the other guys.
15:24And I remember the day
15:25you were like,
15:25hey, you know,
15:26you know who I was wrong about?
15:27Yeah.
15:28Yeah.
15:28I shouldn't attack him
15:30when he's not around.
15:31But, I mean,
15:32we're raising money right now,
15:34actually, on the,
15:35on the,
15:36on the new show.
15:37You're auctioning off
15:38items on eBay
15:39that were connected
15:40to your show.
15:41And I was blown away
15:42how successful this has been.
15:44Over $200,000.
15:45That's incredible.
15:46World Central Kitchen.
15:48Jose Andres'
15:49World Central Kitchen.
15:50Jose Andres,
15:51one of the greats.
15:52And you auction off ties,
15:54costumes from your show.
15:55Yeah.
15:57Props,
15:58tickets to the final show.
16:00Stuff like that.
16:01We actually have,
16:03I actually brought something.
16:04We did.
16:05And I feel like,
16:05I'm very excited.
16:06Are you okay with this?
16:07I'm, of course.
16:08I mean, it's for a good cause.
16:10I wouldn't let you sell stuff,
16:11like,
16:11if all the money
16:12was going to you.
16:14Like, I wouldn't be okay
16:15with you using
16:16this platform for that.
16:17But if it's a good cause,
16:18you can auction it off.
16:19It's a good cause.
16:19This is all
16:20for World Central Kitchen.
16:21We are looking for props
16:22that people might enjoy.
16:23And I've got this thing
16:24that's been rolled up
16:25in the corner of my office
16:27for years.
16:28And I don't know
16:29if you guys remember,
16:29there used to be a senator
16:30from Arizona named Jeff Flake,
16:31who was a Republican senator,
16:32very nice,
16:33really lovely, reasonable guy.
16:34And I went to go see him years ago.
16:36I forgot why I was interviewing him.
16:38A bunch of people on Capitol Hill.
16:40I think it was the last time
16:40I went to D.C.
16:42And I'm riding around Capitol Hill
16:43on a Segway or something,
16:44trying to look for somebody
16:45to talk to me.
16:46And he had this rug.
16:47He had a little area rug
16:48in his office.
16:49It said U.S. Senate.
16:52And this is what,
16:53do we, may I?
16:53Yeah, yeah, please.
16:54Can we see this, please?
16:56Why'd they give you
16:56such a small rug?
16:59There's not even,
17:01there's not even room
17:02for the unum
17:02on the pluribus here.
17:04You know,
17:06that's what you get
17:06when you're a freshman,
17:07I guess.
17:08Do you get to keep the rug?
17:09Afraid not.
17:09This has to stay behind you.
17:11This does.
17:12So if I took it with me today,
17:13that would be a problem.
17:14Big problem.
17:18Well, we, uh...
17:19You got it right there.
17:20We have it right here.
17:29I tied a really tight knot in this.
17:33Trust me, this is the rug.
17:35You're so mad you didn't bring
17:36your knock guy with you.
17:37You have editors.
17:38Okay, so here it is.
17:39It's beautiful.
17:40Here's the rug.
17:44This is stolen.
17:45Yeah.
17:45If you would like to aid and abet me,
17:48if you don't like to be an accomplice
17:49in a federal crime
17:50from stealing this from Capitol Hill,
17:52you could,
17:52do we have the, uh,
17:53we have the...
17:54Yeah, we're gonna put it up there.
17:54There you go.
17:55...eBay or go to that QR code
17:56and you can, you can, uh...
17:57You can bid.
17:58You can bid on this.
17:58You can get a stolen,
17:59stolen goods.
18:00Yes.
18:01This is, this is, this is,
18:03this is late, late night
18:04with Seth Meyers exclusive.
18:06I have something to give you.
18:08What, really?
18:09So I do a thing on my show
18:10called Corrections.
18:11Oh, but I have a jackal.
18:12Oh, you have a jackal mug.
18:13I went, I paid,
18:14I paid with my own money
18:16to get a jackal mug.
18:17I love it.
18:18That's very kind of you to say.
18:19And some people,
18:20we have a P.O. box
18:21and people send something in.
18:22And so I got an invitation
18:24to a wedding,
18:24but it was, um,
18:26it was Lord of the Ring themed.
18:28Like, if you can see,
18:28and like, look,
18:29they've got like a little map
18:31that looks like it's burned.
18:32Oh.
18:32And it's really great.
18:33You got invited to a wedding?
18:35And no, I didn't.
18:36So I thought I did.
18:37And then I opened up an envelope,
18:38sent to my P.O. box
18:39that starts Dear Stephen Colbert.
18:44This was mailed to me.
18:47And by the way,
18:48I had no, look,
18:48at no point does it ever say,
18:50like, thanks, Seth.
18:51It's like, literally,
18:52they just assumed
18:53I'd give it to you.
18:54So anyway, March 20th
18:56in California,
18:56if you want to go.
18:57March 20th.
18:59And 26th.
19:00They're getting married twice.
19:01Twice.
19:02Is that,
19:02is that something
19:03that happens
19:04in your weird Hobbit world?
19:05Okay.
19:10I don't know.
19:10I didn't get to the,
19:11I didn't get to any of the wedding scenes.
19:13No, I actually have no idea.
19:14Can you read Hobbitese?
19:15Like, I mean,
19:16by the way,
19:16this is,
19:16but like,
19:17yeah,
19:17that just says
19:18which means
19:20the star shines
19:20on the hour
19:21of our meeting,
19:22but that's basic
19:22right there.
19:26I mean,
19:26that's what Gildor,
19:28that's what Frodo
19:29says to Gildor
19:30and Glorian
19:31of the House of Finrod
19:32when they first meet
19:33at Woodhall.
19:34I knew it sounded familiar.
19:35Yeah.
19:36But I did.
19:37Is this really?
19:38Yeah, you can keep it.
19:39I reached out
19:42to my jackals,
19:43which is what I call
19:44the people who give comments,
19:45and I said last week,
19:46hey, Colbert's coming on the show,
19:47because sometimes
19:48in my YouTube comments,
19:49people are like,
19:50hey, will you tell Stephen
19:51he made this mistake?
19:52Because corrections is a play.
19:54Do you want to hear him or not?
19:55Do they attack me
19:56through you?
19:56They don't attack.
19:57They're gently correct.
19:59Jackals.
19:59Yeah, they are jackals.
20:00They are attack.
20:01Would you like to hear
20:02some of the things
20:02that people said
20:03you've gone wrong?
20:03I'm hesitant to say yes,
20:04but please,
20:05I would like to hear
20:05from the jackals.
20:06Stephen said one time
20:07that the Great Wall of China
20:08can be seen with the naked eye
20:09from space,
20:10which is untrue.
20:12I'm sure you're right.
20:15See, it's fun.
20:17I'm sure.
20:18I'm sure it is.
20:20And you, okay, go ahead.
20:21This is one I get all the time.
20:23You have a segment
20:24called Monkey News or Something.
20:26By the way,
20:26I love how they're so specific
20:27and they're like,
20:28I don't have time to Google.
20:29It's called
20:29This is a Monkey Emergency.
20:31Whenever there's
20:31an escaped primate of any kind.
20:33Yeah, you do it
20:33like twice a week.
20:34We have a monkey emergency, yeah.
20:36Your monkey emergency
20:37has a chimpanzee in the graphic,
20:39which is an ape,
20:40not a monkey.
20:43Hey, man.
20:44I know.
20:45Does it eat bananas?
20:47That's my question to you.
20:49Does it eat bananas?
20:51Please tell Stephen Colbert
20:52it is ahistoric.
20:54Oh, no.
20:55Not an historic.
20:55It is an historic evening.
20:57Same way you would say,
20:58oh, I enjoy
20:59I enjoy listening
21:00to Anne Harmonica.
21:02Okay.
21:03Is that really
21:04how you'd say it?
21:05That's how I would say it.
21:06But nobody
21:07I've always said
21:08an historic.
21:09But the problem is like,
21:10does anybody ever
21:10enjoy listening
21:12to Anne Harmonica?
21:15It's better than
21:16Anne Tambourine.
21:18Oh, Bluey's a girl,
21:20not a boy.
21:20I did not know that.
21:21And I don't judge.
21:23I'm not laying
21:24that on Bluey.
21:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:26That's great.
21:27And by the way,
21:27why would you know it?
21:28Your kids are like...
21:3040.
21:30Yeah, they're like
21:3040 years old.
21:32I have triplets.
21:32They're all 40.
21:34Hey, stick around.
21:35I've got a lot more
21:36to ask Stephen Colbert
21:37after this.
21:56Welcome back, everybody.
21:57Here is Stephen Colbert.
21:59So, you know,
22:00I want to address
22:01some sad news in July.
22:02Do I have a drink?
22:03Do I have a drink here?
22:04Yeah, you have a little drink.
22:05Go ahead, yeah.
22:06Okay.
22:06So, um, I don't...
22:09It's, uh...
22:10In July, it was announced
22:11that your show, uh,
22:13your show was canceled.
22:17What?
22:18What?
22:19Nobody told him?
22:20Nobody told him.
22:22Oh.
22:22Um, yeah.
22:28You're out of practice.
22:29You're out of spit-take practice.
22:31I really am, yeah.
22:32Yes, uh, this is our last season.
22:34This is our last season.
22:34Four moments, yeah.
22:35Very sad.
22:36It was shocking.
22:37Um, I saw you, uh, I, you know,
22:40I think it happened
22:40at the end of the week.
22:41I saw you on Monday.
22:42A bunch of us stopped by.
22:43We all talked to you
22:44dressing room.
22:44Oh, that's right.
22:44Yeah, it was very nice of you.
22:45Uh, and I, I heard you talk
22:47about, uh, it was our friend
22:48Jimmy Kimmel.
22:49Um, how are you, uh, have you,
22:51do you have more perspective,
22:52different perspective on it now?
22:53Is it sort of, uh...
22:54Well, it feels real now.
22:55Yeah.
22:55It did not feel, I mean,
22:57I mean, I know it was real,
22:58but now there's four months left
23:01and I, you know,
23:04the shows are fun to do,
23:05but what I really love
23:06is the people I do it with.
23:07Yeah.
23:07And we've been putting together this,
23:09I mean, there are people
23:09I've been working with.
23:11I mean, my, my, uh,
23:13my shoemaker, Tom Purcell.
23:15Yeah, of course.
23:16I've known since 1988.
23:18That's crazy.
23:18And so, we've all been together forever.
23:20So, uh, listen,
23:22you can do comedy
23:22a lot of different places.
23:23There's no place
23:24like the Ed Sullivan Theater.
23:25No offense.
23:26There's no place
23:26like the Ed Sullivan Theater,
23:28but it's really the people.
23:29That's, that's really
23:30what I care about
23:30and that's, that's really what,
23:31that's really what I'm going to miss
23:32more than anything
23:33and we'll do something else together,
23:34but it feels real now.
23:36I'm not thrilled with it.
23:37I mean, I feel like
23:37neither of us ever take it for granted,
23:39but I do think it's that weird thing
23:41that it's just like built into your life
23:42when you have a show like this.
23:44Right.
23:44You just get to see people every day
23:45that are funny
23:46and help you process through
23:48oftentimes the things
23:49that we're talking about,
23:50which are, which can be difficult.
23:51Right, right.
23:52You know, we all saw
23:52what happened this weekend,
23:53which was incredibly corrosive
23:55to the soul
23:56and how we feel about our own country
23:57and I got to talk with Josh Shapiro
23:59about it all night.
24:00Yeah.
24:00I'll talk about it with the governor
24:00and that's, that's an incredible gift
24:03and, um, uh, anyway,
24:05I'll always be grateful for that.
24:07Um, is Lauren here?
24:08Lauren Michaels?
24:09Yeah.
24:09Why do you want to,
24:10do you want to talk to him about something?
24:11Could you tell him
24:11I'm available in June?
24:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:14I don't know if he's still hiring.
24:16Oh, to, not to host.
24:18Do you want to, like,
24:18just work on the show?
24:19I need a show, man.
24:21I need a gig.
24:21Yeah, I would love to talk to him.
24:23I'm fine for cash.
24:24It's just, oh, Evie would,
24:26Evie will want me out of the house.
24:27If I can tell Lauren
24:28you will work for scale,
24:29that will help.
24:31That will help.
24:32Again, is he here?
24:33He's not here,
24:34but, uh, he watches every night.
24:40This is going to get,
24:41this is going to get back to him.
24:42Um, someone, someone will tell him.
24:44I think someone will tell him.
24:46Uh, do you have a final show date?
24:49Oh, thank you, Seth.
24:52Yes, this is, where am I?
24:53I'm here.
24:54Yeah, take it.
24:55This is, I figured this would be great.
24:56This is a, this is a Peacock exclusive.
24:57Oh, my God, thank you.
24:58You're welcome.
24:59We almost never get exclusives on Peacock.
25:02Or NBC.
25:03I just figured it'd be best to do it over here.
25:04You should do it a second place
25:06so that people hear.
25:10Start with Peacock, though.
25:11Start with Peacock.
25:13Is that our final show
25:16will be
25:19May 21st,
25:212026.
25:21All right.
25:22That's, uh, thank you for sharing that with us.
25:24I would love to be there.
25:25Do you have a show that night?
25:26Um, not anymore.
25:27Okay.
25:28Uh, you, uh,
25:29I know people always ask me
25:31about, uh, dream guests.
25:33Do you have one
25:34that you're trying to land
25:35before, uh, May 21st?
25:37Yeah, the Pope.
25:38The Pope.
25:40American Pope.
25:40American Pope.
25:41You met the last Pope.
25:43I did.
25:44Yeah, you went,
25:44you had to go to Rome.
25:45I went to Rome.
25:46Me, Fallon,
25:47went, came with us.
25:48Yeah, a lot of comedians.
25:49I invited you.
25:50Yep.
25:50And you said immediately,
25:51No way.
25:54You, I did your show the night.
25:55You had to leave.
25:56You literally left
25:57the Ed Sullivan Theater
25:58to get on a plane
25:58to go meet the Pope.
25:59And literally had to get
25:59in a helicopter.
26:01Wow.
26:01To make it to JFK in time
26:03to go to Rome.
26:04Yeah, I was going to say,
26:04you can't take a helicopter
26:05all the way to Rome.
26:06That's the same.
26:08But this, I got on a jet ski.
26:10But, you know, be honest.
26:11Yeah.
26:12The last Pope
26:12would not be a good talk show guest.
26:14But new Pope, I think.
26:15Oh, he would have been,
26:15any Popes are pretty good.
26:17No, but come on.
26:18New Pope's the one you want.
26:19Well, of course,
26:20American Pope, Chicago Pope.
26:22Yeah.
26:22Of course you want the new Pope.
26:23Come on.
26:23Pope Francis would not have been
26:25a good talk show guest.
26:26He would have been
26:26an infallible talk show guest.
26:33This is good
26:34that you did not meet the Pope
26:36because this attitude,
26:37this attitude does not go across
26:39in the Apostolic Palace.
26:41Yeah.
26:41Those Swiss guards
26:42would take that halberd
26:43and just take you down.
26:44They do.
26:45And they're big paneloons
26:47and everything.
26:47If you roll your eyes
26:48in the apostolytic chamber,
26:49is that what you called it?
26:50Is that?
26:51Apostolic palace.
26:52That from Back to the Future.
26:55Yes.
26:57Exactly.
26:58Great Scott!
27:00That's what the Pope said.
27:01These are rumors.
27:02These are Colbert rumors.
27:03You can put them,
27:03you can put them to bed or not,
27:05of what people think
27:06you might do next.
27:07Okay, yeah.
27:08There's been a whole host
27:09of things that people
27:10have speculated
27:11that I will do next.
27:12I'm neither going to confirm
27:14nor deny
27:15any of these
27:17or many of these
27:19because I've got
27:19to keep my options open.
27:21It was written
27:22that you signed
27:23a $13.5 million deal
27:24with Netflix.
27:25Not enough money.
27:27Yeah.
27:28That you might run
27:29for office,
27:30maybe even president?
27:31I've heard that one.
27:32Yeah.
27:33I've heard that one.
27:35Obviously.
27:37Obviously.
27:38Obviously.
27:39I mean, that's something
27:40I have discussed
27:40with my faith leader
27:41and my family.
27:42Yeah.
27:42And if there is some way
27:43for me to serve
27:44the American people
27:45in some way
27:47that could possibly
27:48be greater than
27:48a late night television show,
27:51I would consider that.
27:52But obviously,
27:52I've heard that, yeah.
27:53I get it.
27:54How about that?
27:55I get it.
27:55Yeah.
27:55But FYI,
27:57they pay less than $13.5 million.
28:00Not anymore.
28:01Not anymore.
28:02That's true.
28:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:03Pretty good.
28:04That's a pretty good job
28:05right now.
28:05Colbert coin.
28:06Oh, my God.
28:07We'd love that.
28:07Starting a show
28:08with the following people.
28:09Rachel Maddow,
28:10Tom Hanks,
28:11Jasmine Crockett,
28:11Simon Cowell.
28:12All five of you.
28:13All five of them.
28:14Yeah.
28:14The new A-team.
28:15You guys are going
28:16to be the new A-team.
28:17We're on the run.
28:18You're on the run.
28:19Farsely accused.
28:21Writing a book
28:21about J.R.R. Tolkien.
28:24Always.
28:24I've always done that.
28:25You're always just
28:25working on it?
28:26Exactly.
28:27That's not the
28:27who shot J.R.,
28:28is it?
28:29What?
28:30J.R.R. Tolkien?
28:32Was that the one
28:32that was who shot J.R.R.?
28:33I don't think so.
28:35Okay.
28:35I don't know.
28:39You know it's important
28:40to me, right?
28:41You know Tolkien's
28:42really important to me, right?
28:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:43The Lord of the Rings guy.
28:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:45Very, very, very lonely,
28:47sad young boy.
28:49He's the only thing
28:49that pulled me out.
28:50Oh, you're doing fine now.
28:51He pulled you out.
28:52Now let him go.
28:54He gave you, he gave you,
28:55he pulled you up.
28:56Yeah.
28:57He pulled you up.
28:58Emotionally, I was gonna
28:59fall into the lava.
29:00And then J.R.R.
29:01saved you.
29:02Now brush yourself off
29:03and make do without him.
29:07Leave him for the other,
29:08leave him for the sad boys
29:09of today.
29:11You announced a wildlife
29:13rescue program
29:14for endangered elephants?
29:15Not endangered,
29:17but depressed.
29:20Oh, no, are you?
29:21We're worried about them.
29:23Are you reading Tolkien
29:24to them?
29:24Yes.
29:26Yeah.
29:27Well, they'll appreciate it
29:28because they...
29:29They remember.
29:30And never forget.
29:32Wait, I have a,
29:32here's what I think
29:33you should do.
29:33There's more?
29:34Well, no, I have one.
29:35You have a pitch?
29:36Yeah.
29:36Okay.
29:37I think you should do
29:37O'Mary.
29:39Oh, you're right?
29:40Yeah.
29:42I think you should,
29:43I mean,
29:43I think you should be
29:44on a Broadway stage.
29:44I should go in
29:45for Cole's Cola?
29:46Yeah.
29:46Wow.
29:47I genuinely think,
29:47because that's the thing,
29:48people think like,
29:49oh, Seth wants him
29:49to play Lincoln.
29:50No, I want you
29:51to play Mary.
29:52Oh.
29:53That would be a ton of fun.
29:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:54No, no, I would have
29:54a great time.
29:55So I'm just throwing that
29:56out in the universe
29:56because I think
29:57it's a really good idea.
29:58Thank you very much.
29:59Would you do Broadway?
30:00Uh, no.
30:01Okay.
30:02I don't think people
30:03want to see me on Broadway.
30:04I can't.
30:05Do we want to see him
30:06on Broadway?
30:10You can't give me that.
30:11I mean, you can't give me that.
30:13Um, have you started
30:14parting your hair?
30:15What?
30:16No, it's like,
30:17Have you started
30:18parting your hair?
30:18I don't know.
30:19It's just, is it part?
30:20Does it have a severe part?
30:21It's some part.
30:22I thought it used to
30:22mostly come forward.
30:23No, you're right.
30:24It does have a nice part today.
30:25Ooh.
30:25Yeah.
30:26I want to change
30:27my Broadway answer
30:28now that I see this part.
30:30Um, hey, uh,
30:31I'm very, I'm really, uh,
30:34sad that you're
30:35coming to a close.
30:36I feel very lucky
30:38to have been doing this
30:39at the same time as you.
30:40I said this 10 years ago
30:41when you were on the show.
30:42When I was in Chicago,
30:43I saw you on stage
30:44at Second City,
30:44and you blew my mind,
30:46and you were the kind of person
30:47that I wanted to do
30:48what you were doing.
30:49You've been really inspirational
30:51to me for a very long time,
30:52and, uh, I'm really grateful
30:54to know you
30:55and to both be your colleague
30:56and your friend.
30:57You're a very special person,
30:58so I just want to say thank you.
31:01And thank you.
31:04And thank you, uh,
31:06you've been just lovely
31:08to have a colleague
31:09across town,
31:10and that Seth and I
31:11will occasionally write
31:11each other's notes
31:12about, oh, I saw this thing
31:13you did last night,
31:14or I really love this interview,
31:15and I admire what you
31:17and your staff do here,
31:18especially on the darker days,
31:19what you're able to make,
31:20make comedy out of it,
31:21and I admire you enormously,
31:23and I hope you will do this
31:25for 20 more years.
31:26Well, I promise,
31:28and I hope you will meet the promise
31:30that we see each other often,
31:32because you're a very nice person to see.
31:33I'll see you on Broadway.
31:35You guys!
31:37Stephen Colbert!
31:38The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
31:40airs weeknights on CBS.
31:41Stick around.
31:42We'll be right back
31:42with Mark Shannon.
32:01Our next guest is Academy Award-nominated,
32:03and Tony, a Grammy- and Emmy-winning composer,
32:06lyricist, arranger, and producer,
32:08whose work you know
32:09from Saturday Night Live.
32:10Beloved movies like
32:11When Harry Met Sally,
32:12Sister Act,
32:13and Sleepless in Seattle,
32:14and the Broadway musicals
32:15Hairspray,
32:16Smash,
32:17and Some Like It Hot.
32:18His memoir,
32:19Never Mind the Happy,
32:20A Showbiz Story is from a Soar Winner
32:22is available now.
32:23Please welcome to the show,
32:24Mark Sheeman, everybody!
32:36I'm so happy you're here!
32:38I'm so happy to be here.
32:39Thank you for having me.
32:39Congratulations on the book.
32:41I want to ask,
32:41Never Mind the Happy
32:43is a very unique title.
32:44Where does it come from?
32:45It comes from my Jewish mother.
32:48My sister called my mom
32:49one New Year's Day
32:51and said,
32:51Ma, I want to be the first
32:52to wish you a happy
32:53and healthy New Year.
32:54And my mother said,
32:55Never Mind the Happy!
32:58So it sort of defines me,
33:00and it's,
33:01and I,
33:02so I titled the book that
33:03because it's sort of
33:04all these wonderful things
33:05that have happened for me
33:06in my life.
33:07I mean,
33:08endless amount of iconic projects
33:10I've gotten to work on,
33:11and yet I'm always sort of Eeyore.
33:13I'm always seeing the,
33:15the glass is half empty.
33:16Did it even,
33:17I mean,
33:17I would imagine,
33:18like,
33:18as you revisit everything
33:19for the book,
33:20you couldn't even sort of
33:21non-Eeyore that,
33:23the process?
33:24Yeah,
33:24you know,
33:24I think I actually
33:25wrote the book.
33:26I think I was going through
33:27a little depressing moment,
33:28and I thought,
33:30you know what,
33:30if I write and remember
33:32all these things,
33:33maybe I'll cheer up,
33:35you know?
33:35I mean,
33:36I guess I'm tooting
33:36my own horn also,
33:38but yeah,
33:38it was for me to remember
33:39all these wonderful things
33:41that I've gotten to do,
33:42and it also is a,
33:44you know,
33:44can maybe inspire other people
33:46to see that I've had
33:47endless amount of dreams
33:48come true.
33:49I mean,
33:49true dreams come true.
33:51You wrote on SNL.
33:53I did.
33:54For a bit of time,
33:55and the Sweeney sisters,
33:56which was a favorite of mine,
33:58Nora Dunn.
33:59Thank you for remembering.
34:01See,
34:01this is the problem.
34:02This is why I wrote the book.
34:03I almost called it
34:04Google Me,
34:06because whenever I work
34:07on a new project,
34:08and like,
34:09and there are younger people
34:10working on it,
34:11and then eventually
34:11they come up to me
34:12and they say,
34:13did you work on Sister Act?
34:15Did I see your name
34:16on this and that?
34:17And I'm always saying,
34:18Google Me,
34:18and we'll talk tomorrow.
34:19So yeah,
34:20I worked on SNL
34:21in the 80s,
34:23and the Sweeney sisters
34:25were two lounge singers.
34:26You have Jan Hooks,
34:27Nora Dunn.
34:27Did medleys.
34:28Yeah,
34:28Nora Dunn
34:29and the great,
34:29great,
34:30late,
34:30great Jan Hooks.
34:31Speaking of the late,
34:33great,
34:33you worked with
34:33the late,
34:34great Rob Reiner.
34:35Yes.
34:36And obviously,
34:37a tremendous loss.
34:40Condolences on your friend.
34:42What were your memories
34:43of working with Rob?
34:44Well,
34:44working here on SNL
34:45when I met Marty
34:46and then I met Billy Crystal,
34:48and Billy Crystal,
34:48such a mensch,
34:49that when he was working on
34:51When Harry Met Sally
34:52with Rob,
34:52he asked Rob,
34:53what are you going to do
34:53for the music?
34:54And Rob said,
34:55I want a guy who knows
34:56like every song
34:56in the American songbook.
34:58And Billy was like,
34:58have I got a guy for you?
35:00Billy used to call me
35:00Rain Jew
35:02because he said,
35:03I just knew every song.
35:05I don't even know
35:06how it happened,
35:06but I did.
35:08And so he introduced me
35:09to Rob,
35:10and I did When Harry Met Sally,
35:12and then every movie
35:14Rob did after that,
35:15almost like 16 movies.
35:17He literally gave me
35:18my film career.
35:19My film career
35:20just fell on my lap
35:21by Rob Reiner
35:22throwing it there.
35:24And, you know,
35:25more than even the music
35:27I got to write
35:27for all of Rob's movies,
35:29my memory of him
35:30is just,
35:31as you would know
35:32in showbiz,
35:33the hang.
35:34Yeah.
35:34It's all about the hang.
35:35Once you know
35:36that you're working
35:36with people who can do
35:38what needs to get done,
35:39it really just becomes
35:41about the people
35:41you want to be
35:42hanging out with.
35:43And so Rob would come over
35:44and listen to what I was doing,
35:45and maybe we'd spend
35:46a half an hour
35:47listening to music
35:47and two hours kibitzing,
35:49you know, just...
35:50Yeah, and he was great at it.
35:51Shooting the can I say?
35:53Yeah, you can.
35:54You should ask
35:55before you say it.
35:56Oh.
35:58You mentioned
35:59your film career
36:00because it really was,
36:02the collaborations you have
36:03are something else,
36:04including,
36:06there you go,
36:07Matt and Trey,
36:08South Park,
36:08this iconic photo.
36:10There you are
36:10in the background.
36:12Well,
36:12I got to work
36:13on the South Park movie,
36:14which was just
36:15the greatest gig
36:16you can imagine
36:17to get to...
36:17To get to...
36:18Nominated for an Academy Award.
36:20Yes.
36:22When that is,
36:23you know, I...
36:24And...
36:26But it was an honor
36:27just to be animated.
36:28Yeah, there you go.
36:30That was a very special...
36:32I mean, I think
36:32when that movie came out,
36:33nobody would expect
36:34that it would have
36:35an Oscar-nominated song in it.
36:37But then, of course,
36:37once you saw the movie,
36:38it made all the sense
36:39in the world.
36:39Did you know,
36:40as you were working on it,
36:41like, this is going
36:42to be a special thing?
36:43I knew it was just
36:43the greatest gig
36:44I ever had in the movies.
36:46And then,
36:47I was lucky enough
36:48to be nominated
36:49for the movie
36:49Patch Adams
36:50with Robin Williams.
36:51And I was at
36:52the nominee luncheon.
36:53You know,
36:53they have a lovely,
36:54tasteful nominee luncheon.
36:56And a woman in pearls,
36:58a very tasteful woman,
36:59said,
37:00So, Mr. Shaman,
37:01what are you working on now?
37:02And I didn't have
37:03the heart to say to her,
37:04Well, this whole weekend,
37:05I had the South Park
37:07sound library
37:07send me all their
37:09fart sound effects.
37:11Because Trey wrote the song,
37:12and this is one song
37:13that Trey wrote
37:14all by himself,
37:15the classic,
37:16I'm going to say
37:17a bad word now.
37:17Yeah, please.
37:18Uncle .
37:19Yeah.
37:20But it was my idea
37:21that the characters
37:22singing the song,
37:23Terrence and Phillip,
37:24they love to laugh
37:25about farting.
37:26Yeah.
37:27I can say farting, right?
37:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:28So far, wow,
37:29I'm hitting them all.
37:30Certainly, if you can say
37:30the first two,
37:31you can say farting.
37:32So, it was my idea
37:34that they would have
37:34a fart tap dance break.
37:36And so, even in the morning
37:38of the nominee luncheon,
37:39I was sitting at the computer
37:40with all the digital
37:41fart sound effects,
37:42figuring out how to go
37:44So, go home,
37:46Google it,
37:46watch it,
37:47and you'll hear
37:47it's my tap dance
37:49extravaganza with farts.
37:50It's your Mr. Holland's opus.
37:52Yes.
37:53But I didn't tell her that.
37:54I didn't have the heart.
37:55And then a year later,
37:56we were nominated
37:57and at that nominee luncheon.
37:59There you go.
37:59And by the way,
38:00a song that holds up,
38:01I do want to stress.
38:03Bette Midler,
38:03you dedicate the book to her.
38:06And this is really
38:07an incredible story.
38:08I mean, I personally
38:10kind of can't believe
38:11I have met Bette Midler.
38:13Like, she was deeply
38:14important to me growing up,
38:15but way more to you.
38:17Really?
38:17Yeah, my parents
38:18loved Bette Midler albums.
38:19We would listen to them
38:20all the time.
38:20And she's just a dynamo,
38:22but you were a young person.
38:24Yeah, I mean,
38:25I was like 13
38:26when Boogie Willough Beagle Boy
38:27hit the radio
38:28and she became a big star
38:29on Johnny Carson.
38:31And all I wanted to do
38:32was work with Bette Midler.
38:33And I stole money
38:34from my father's wallet once
38:35and cut school
38:36and went to New York
38:37to see her in concert
38:38and had this fantasy
38:39that I was going to run
38:40down the aisle
38:40and say,
38:41oh, Miss Midler,
38:41I know every note
38:42of every song
38:43on every album.
38:44Please let me play for you.
38:45And then just by sheer luck,
38:47the first people I met
38:48when I moved to New York
38:49when I was 16,
38:51one of them,
38:52Scott Whitman,
38:53who became my co-lyricist
38:54and my lover,
38:55as we used to say
38:56for 25 years,
38:58he lived across the hall
38:59from one of Bette Midler's
39:00backup singers.
39:01So, you know,
39:03who could have dreamed
39:04that that would happen?
39:05And they were starting
39:06their own group
39:06when they weren't
39:07on the road with Bette Midler.
39:08And because I was right there
39:10and I knew the harmonies
39:11they wanted to do
39:12because of my love
39:12for Bette Midler,
39:13I became their musical director.
39:15Then Bette said,
39:16girls, come back on the road.
39:17And to make a long story short,
39:18I was flown to L.A.
39:20I got to watch
39:21Bette Midler rehearse.
39:22And then she called the song
39:24out to her band
39:24and the band didn't know it.
39:26And one of the harlots said,
39:27see you back here.
39:29And so Bette Midler said,
39:30you, do you know
39:31how to play No Gesturing?
39:32And she got to walk
39:34to a stage and say,
39:35oh, Ms. Midler,
39:36I know every note
39:37of every album
39:38and every song.
39:39It's an absolute true story.
39:41What a thing.
39:43Congratulations on the book.
39:45An incredible career.
39:47Alright, share it
39:47over to everybody's memoir.
39:48And Nevermind,
39:49the Happy is available now.
40:03Come join the audience at Late Night live in Studio 8G.
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40:09Follow us at Late Night Seth on all social media platforms.
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40:23Available wherever you listen to podcasts.
40:33I want to thank my guest Stephen Colbert and Mark Shaman.
40:36Thanks for all watching. We love you, everybody.
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