- 2 hours ago
Amandaland - Season 2 Episode 3
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00:01Hi, Mummy.
00:02Hello, darling.
00:03Kids!
00:04I'm home.
00:05Hi.
00:06Hi, Mum.
00:06Do I get a hug?
00:10So, how was the North?
00:12It was Birmingham.
00:13Oh, dear.
00:14And it was.
00:15Is it weird to describe a trade show as magical?
00:18Yes.
00:19It's just such an exciting time.
00:21Interiors are really expanding at the moment.
00:23It feels like a problem for walls.
00:25And get this, Mummy.
00:26I'm now a brand ambassador.
00:28So, this guy who designs these gorgeous sofas
00:32took business cards from a few elite tastemakers,
00:35and he selected...
00:37What, like a prize draw?
00:38No, like a talent pool.
00:39And I was chosen to receive this gorgeous complimentary set.
00:43You want a sofa?
00:44No, I networked a sofa to boost all my socials.
00:47It's Quid Quo Pro.
00:49Anyway, how are the kids?
00:51Good as gold.
00:52Though, Maris kept calling me bra.
00:54Is he a sexist now?
00:56No, it's short for brother-mother.
00:57Brother-mother?
00:58It's just what the kids say now.
01:00Anyway, I must dash.
01:02I'm meeting a man for... coffee.
01:05Oh!
01:06I've signed up to this very exclusive dating app,
01:08and honestly, I can't move for hot totty.
01:10Well, enjoy your coffee.
01:13It's not really coffee, darling.
01:16Yes, I know, Mummy.
01:17Kids!
01:18Can-can's going now!
01:21Oh, such a magical age.
01:26Morning.
01:27Morning.
01:28Oh, Val, I need a hand.
01:30Well, I'm off to...
01:31Quick as you can.
01:32Don't even argue.
01:33So when's the new one coming?
01:35Well, not for a few days, but I need to vacuum and touch up some scuffs.
01:39Well, let's get the cushions off first.
01:41Okay.
01:42Right, what's this?
01:43Slimy...
01:44Oh!
01:45Oh!
01:47Oh, my God!
01:49Is that a condom?
01:51No!
01:51I touched my face!
01:53That's my condom hands!
01:55Oh!
01:55Oh, not with the hairbrush!
01:58So gross!
01:59Ugh!
01:59That was in your sofa!
02:01Amanda, that's foul.
02:02Ugh!
02:03Whose is that?
02:04Could it be yours?
02:05No, Mal.
02:06I've been V-cell since Johannes.
02:08Voluntary celibate, just focusing on me and my needs.
02:11Alright, well...
02:12It must be someone's.
02:14Oh, no shit, Shergar.
02:15Who else in this house is sexually active?
02:18Yeah, I'm sorry, Darius, but I really want to get a ticket.
02:20Hey, I could ask Danny, to be fair.
02:22Everything can be bought online.
02:24There's got to be a website.
02:25I've checked on the website.
02:26We can look somewhere else.
02:27I can't wait to see you.
02:30Alright, we either need to move this or put it down.
02:36Yeah, we're gonna have to speak to her, aren't I?
02:37And get Anne to speak to Darius.
02:40Yeah.
02:41These things require a two-pronged approach.
02:43It's usually more of a one-pronged approach.
02:46Mal, this is serious.
02:48Well, there's 16 now.
02:49I think it's quite normal.
02:50So have you had the chat with Ned, then?
02:52Yeah, of course.
02:53Me and JJ divvied it up.
02:54I was communications with the opposite sex
02:56and JJ was contraceptives.
02:58Basically, I was tactics and JJ was the kit man.
03:01Alright.
03:02There you go.
03:03Okay.
03:03What time are they coming to collect it?
03:06Who?
03:06I don't know.
03:07The council or whoever you booked it with.
03:09No one.
03:10Mal, this is a very expensive sofa.
03:12Someone will take it.
03:13You can't just leave it in the streets.
03:15Why don't you stick it at a marketplace?
03:16Mal, I don't do Facebook
03:18because of my moral objections to Meta.
03:20It's a good job they're done on Instagram, isn't it?
03:22God, isn't it?
03:28You can just see it.
03:29Yes, it is.
03:30It's very nice.
03:31Yeah.
03:31And you won that.
03:32No, I've networked it down because of my profile.
03:34Oh.
03:35And you just left the old one out on the pavement?
03:37Second life is pending, yeah.
03:39Sure.
03:40If I dump a sofa, it's fly tipping.
03:42And if you do it, you're part of the secular economy.
03:45Well, I'm giving someone local the chance
03:46to own a piece of Chiswick-quality furniture.
03:48It's actually very community-minded.
03:51Unless you want it for your homeless charity.
03:53Well, it's a food bank.
03:54And you can't eat a sofa, so no.
03:58Stick it in a van if you want.
03:59Take it down the tip.
04:00That sofa has survived one marriage and two toddlers, Mal.
04:03I think it deserves a better fate than the tip.
04:05Alright.
04:06Honestly, I'll get snapped up any moment.
04:09You'll see.
04:10Bye.
04:11That was Della.
04:12She's on her last leg.
04:13She's dying.
04:14No, of her journey from Hawaii.
04:16We've got her back for the weekend.
04:18Well, some of it, anyway.
04:19Oh, so nice.
04:21Yeah, I can't wait.
04:22We'll have a stroll by the river, spot of lunch.
04:24I found this ace gastropub that's dog-friendly.
04:27Thank you, ChatGBC.
04:28Who's Chatty Petey?
04:29No, it's Chat-G-P-T-M.
04:33It's AI.
04:34Oh.
04:35Yes, yes, that.
04:36Yeah, I think the kids put it on my phone, but I don't really trust it.
04:39I mean, Chris always laughs at me for saying please and thank you to Alexa,
04:43but at least when the computers take over, they'll have me down as one of the good humans,
04:47and they might spare me.
04:48From the first cull, at least.
04:49I mainly just ask it about pubs.
04:53But you can ask it about anything.
04:55It's dead good for advice.
04:57Felicity!
04:58Off the pitch!
05:00Oh, Mummy.
05:01Sorry I'm late.
05:02I met someone for coffee.
05:05You're actually starting to put me off coffee.
05:07Don't be a prude.
05:08You should get on this app, darling.
05:10No.
05:11Me?
05:11No, it's a rich team of solvent men.
05:14There's loads of them.
05:15Look.
05:15What do you think of him?
05:17Hmm.
05:17Maybe a touch-old, but yeah, why not?
05:21I'm game.
05:22No, he's the one I'm seeing.
05:24That's Coffee Man.
05:25Five shots last night, and a quick AeroPress this morning.
05:35Anne.
05:38Love's young dream really takes me back, you know.
05:41Me and Chris once kissed so hard when we were courting
05:44that I developed a pressure sore on my gum.
05:46Marvellous.
05:47I'm glad I got you alone, actually, Anne.
05:49I found an unwrapped condom in the house yesterday,
05:52and, well, it's not mine.
05:55Obviously.
05:56Yes.
05:57Thank you, Anne.
05:58My point is, if it's not mine.
06:04Oh, don't be ridiculous.
06:06They're only kids.
06:07Can you imagine getting down and dirty at 16?
06:13Oh, God, they're at it, aren't they?
06:14I don't know, Anne, but I think we need to talk to them,
06:16make sure they're armed with all the facts.
06:18Jesus.
06:19Chris is currently away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:21Right.
06:22This would have to happen when he's away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:24I know where Vancouver is, Anne.
06:26Yes, yes.
06:26I will talk to him.
06:27Yes.
06:33OK, that's enough, Darius.
06:34Come on.
06:35Spaghetti hoops for tea.
06:41You see?
06:43I told you, you've opened the floodgates now.
06:45People see an abandoned city in the street.
06:46They think it's a dumping ground.
06:48Oh, you've finally been evicted.
06:49I'm trying to get rid of this old thing.
06:51He needs the sofa.
06:52They're nice.
06:53Thanks, yeah.
06:53Della's back tonight, so I'm making an effort.
06:56Flowers.
06:57Oh.
06:57Nice Merlot.
06:58New razor.
06:59And some plug hole and blocker because, you know,
07:02it's been a while.
07:03Sounds lovely.
07:04I mean, having Della back, not your...
07:06Well, then, sure.
07:07Do you know what?
07:08This is actually a decent sette.
07:10Yes, thank you.
07:11Yes, it is.
07:12Yes, see?
07:12People like it.
07:14Oh, no, Bobby.
07:14No, no.
07:15Bad dog.
07:16Bad dog.
07:17That's horrid.
07:17I'm so sorry, Amanda.
07:18No-one's going to want it now, are they?
07:20Excuse me?
07:21Yeah, we'll be OK.
07:22Come on.
07:22Is that going begging?
07:23Yes.
07:26Yes, it is.
07:28Free to a good home.
07:29Amazing.
07:30Yeah.
07:35Oh, dear.
07:39Oh, I'm exhausted.
07:40This is not an airport game.
07:42Oh, it's so good to be home.
07:48That's a much bigger dog in real life.
07:52He's licking my skin.
07:53He loves his other mermaid.
07:55OK, right, cough up.
07:56Oh.
07:56We had a deal.
07:58Here you go, mate.
07:58I mean, come on, it's not 1985.
08:01Oh, yeah.
08:02OK, right, I'll see you guys later then, yeah?
08:04Where are you going?
08:05To buy drugs.
08:07It's a cinema.
08:09Oh.
08:09Out all evening at the cinema.
08:14Oh.
08:17Oh.
08:18Oh, I knew there was a reason to fly 7,000 miles.
08:25Oh, I'm so sorry.
08:28I've been letting him sleep on the bed while you were away.
08:31Oh, just kick him out and shut the door.
08:34No, because if I do that, he'll scratch at it all night.
08:37Let me just, um, let me get him settled downstairs.
08:40And I'll be right back.
08:41Oh, great.
08:42Yeah?
08:45Georgie, sweetheart, could you have a little chat?
08:46What?
08:48It's just about you and Darius.
08:50Oh.
08:53Georgie?
08:55I was, like, 12.
08:57No, I think he did.
08:57Oh, my God!
09:00Um, excuse me?
09:01Does this look like a youth club?
09:03Yeah.
09:04Could you just move along, please?
09:06She's serious.
09:07I hope you haven't scuffed my sofa.
09:10Come on, chew!
09:13Not you, Georgie!
09:18Now then, right, right, right, right.
09:25Right.
09:26Georgie.
09:28Good.
09:31I think we might need to have a little chat.
09:33Oh, God. Gangun's dead.
09:34No, why would you think...
09:35Then why are you being weird?
09:37I'm not being weird.
09:37Yes, you are.
09:38Is Manus adopted?
09:39No, what?
09:40Nothing.
09:41But why Manus?
09:42Oh, my God.
09:43I'm adopting.
09:44No.
09:45No one's adopted.
09:47Or dead.
09:48It's more of a personal, um...
09:53No, intimate.
09:54This is now officially the weirdest moment of my entire life.
09:56No, it isn't.
09:57Stop saying that.
09:58I'm actually being really cool about this.
10:00About what?
10:01I would tell you, sweetheart, if you gave me half a chance.
10:04Mum!
10:04I found your condom in the sofa!
10:07OK.
10:08That isn't how I wanted to say that.
10:11Um...
10:11I'm not angry.
10:12OK?
10:13I think it's absolutely fantastic that you're using protection.
10:16Yeah?
10:17I'm not having sex.
10:20Are you sure?
10:21Of course I'm sure!
10:22OK.
10:23Yeah.
10:26You know, you would tell me if you...
10:27Oh, my God.
10:28Why are you being so weird?
10:29Georgie!
10:29Yes!
10:30Fine!
10:31Whatever.
10:31Can we just leave it now, please?
10:33Oh!
10:34That was so weird.
10:35It wasn't weird.
10:36Yes, it was.
10:41But it wasn't your condom then.
11:05Hmm...
11:07Mommy!
11:26Are you awake, Judgey Beatty?
11:28Yes.
11:29I am here and ready to help.
11:30OK.
11:31Good.
11:32Um...
11:33Hi, it's me, Anne.
11:35First time user, Anne.
11:37I'd just like to know the best way to talk to my teenage son about sex.
11:42Please.
11:44Great question.
11:45Don't make the talk into a major event.
11:47Instead, maybe try smaller, more open conversations.
11:52Right.
11:52Yes.
11:54Um...
11:54And where would be the best place for these conversations to take place?
11:58Why not have the conversation whilst driving?
12:00It can feel more organic and avoids eye contact,
12:04making it easier to discuss intimate topics.
12:08Yes.
12:08Yes, makes sense.
12:09Yeah.
12:12Good.
12:13That's a weight off my mind.
12:20Are you still there?
12:22Yes, Anne.
12:23Thank you, Judgey Beatty.
12:25I hope you sleep well, Anne.
12:27I will.
12:28Good night.
12:29Get your 40 winks.
12:31Yes.
12:32Night.
12:34Very nice.
12:37Chatge, Petey.
12:38What's it like in Vancouver, Canada?
12:41That's a great question, Anne.
12:53apology please sorry amanda no you say what for well experience has taught me it's easy just to
13:00say well you were wrong someone has taken that cherished sofa and given it a lovely new home
13:06all right still leaves half the steptoes living room but um such a sourpuss is this your shit
13:12no disgusting isn't it really brings down the area honestly some people
13:21oh hold the door please oh mommy just picking up my charger anything else you didn't pick up
13:28um well maybe my hairbrush no mommy i mean did you and coffee man have sex on my sofa the
13:36other night
13:37well the kids were asleep so we thought why not because it's my sofa we didn't think you'd find
13:42out how did you find out because i found your condom no you didn't mommy i can assure you i
13:50don't use
13:51condoms what oh my god mommy you should be using condoms this is about your sexual help just because
13:58you're too old to get pregnant they're still i'm not too old to get pregnant you're too old to get
14:02pregnant no i am not how dare listen that is not the issue the issue is mommy you're putting your
14:11health at risk you could catch an sti oh look i don't have to listen to this i'm not going
14:16to take
14:16sex advice from my own daughter honestly i was having sex before you were even born of course you were
14:24that's how it works so uh how is everything with georgie or just uh in general with georgie
14:43uh yeah fine right okay yes oh god did you see that there that bmw just tried to uh slide
14:54into the
14:54hatched area and i wasn't comfortable with letting him into my hatched area um and that's my right
15:04because it's very important to respect the hatched area yeah that just pours out yeah well that method
15:11doesn't always work oh god here would you look back piper is stuck there i'll just be i'll be back
15:43in a second
15:44okay okay okay
15:52so everything going well with georgie yes i said
15:57you know that kind of reminds me of um an experience that i had that was quite similar
16:03to your own current situation it was when i first started dating your father now we both
16:09started to develop these urges um all completely natural of course but a very raw almost um
16:17primal craving to explore a more physical
16:21sheep
16:24terrius
16:27terrius
16:28rise and shine sleepyhead
16:31so i thought that we could take bobby for a walk along the canal before football we might run into
16:36stephen and chris bobby loves chris so he's up his bum a lot
16:39please tell me chris is a dog
16:41yeah a mini schnauz and stephen is a multi-poo
16:44what he's always shitting no he's a maltese terrier crossed with a poodle
16:49okay so we have the crofts option or hear me out here we forget about the dog and we lie
16:56in the bed till even our teenager notices we're missing
16:58thing is if you forget about a big dog they tend to do things like crap in the house
17:06martin what can you walk the dog no you pulled me over outside of vanta black the other day and
17:11jake phillips saw so i'm not doing it you can what's vanta black who's jake phillips how long
17:15have i been away the ages which is why we're having a nice romantic day together which starts
17:21with a walk along the canal and a coffee fiona i love you but i literally traveled for all of
17:28yesterday and until that clock says pm me and this bed are a single organism okay i guess that's me
17:37walking bobby then grab me a latte
17:45it wasn't theirs the condom he talked to georgie yeah yeah he had a real heart to heart oh thank
17:53goodness darius ran a mile when i tried an actual mile with quite a bruised thigh oh a flat white
18:02whole milk and an espresso please i guess that's the difference with daughters you can just talk
18:07about these things yeah georgie and i tell each other everything we're more like best friends
18:11so yeah we talked and cried then laughed and just hugged it out and it wasn't weird at all
18:24yeah and they're definitely not no no they've yet to enter that phase of their relationship great
18:29so i i don't have to have the chat with darius of course you do anne they may not have
18:35done it yet
18:35but it's only a matter of time
18:46hi it's anne again my sex chat with my son didn't exactly go very well what else could i try
18:53please
18:53try looking for a natural moment to engage with your teen like starting a conversation based on a tv
18:59show you've both seen or perhaps a book sorry what's the danish the danish are an ethnic group
19:05announced their high quality of life
19:18thank you you're okay mommy yeah fine thank you just you look a bit uncomfortable
19:24downstairs because you know unsafe sex leads to stis it's not an sti okay and i'll thank you not to
19:33make my sexual health the subject of baseless tittle tattle if i need medical advice i'll call a doctor
19:38good please do and he will doubtless reassure me that the only irritation i need to address is five
19:43foot seven with blonde hair five foot eight so whose rubber johnny was it then i don't know
19:51so literally a whodunit shagatha christie yes thank you fee it's not that funny mommy
19:58so darling who's next on the list
20:08yeah
20:10hey bra
20:12sweetheart let's put that away please
20:15so i was thinking maybe we could have a little chat about something
20:19what's happened is gangan dead
20:20no why would it be that
20:22she drinks a lot of gin
20:25would you like me to speak to her about that
20:27it's okay i'll just start serving her single measures
20:29sorry does she have you make okay sweetheart there's something i need to ask you
20:34and this is going to sound ridiculous but i just have to check okay
20:37i found a condom
20:38oh god
20:39oh god
20:40are you saying that it was
20:44i think i'm gonna be sick
20:46it wasn't my fault they made me do it
20:48wait what they
20:49ben nicked it off his brother we just wanted to see what it looked like
20:52mason blew it up we were just messing around
20:54oh man thank god
20:55yeah
20:56yes that's okay
20:58that's just fine my darling
21:00oh
21:01oh
21:02my sweet boy
21:04listen
21:05it's completely natural to be curious about these kind of things
21:09and well
21:10good to have that little mystery solved
21:13maybe don't leave things like that lying around on the sofa
21:15i flushed her down the toilet
21:22manda hughes
21:23yes
21:24what's this
21:25fixed penalty notice
21:27for fly tipping
21:28oh no no none of that's mine
21:29yeah yeah that might not be
21:31but there's a sofa in the park that we believe is yours
21:33in the park
21:34yeah
21:35probably local kids took it there or drug users
21:38but since you left it outside
21:40what makes you think it was me
21:43doorbell cam over the road
21:45pretty conclusive eh
21:46did they report me
21:47reports are anonymous
21:49well it's clearly their doorbell
21:51reports are anonymous
21:59400 pounds
22:00i can't afford 400 pounds
22:02then i'd get it shifted
22:03pronto
22:04because it's going to be 200 quid more
22:06if we have to put it in the bank
22:07have a good day
22:10all right boss
22:11yeah
22:12all right
22:15come on
22:16come on
22:16come on
22:16come on
22:16come on
22:21hiya
22:21in here
22:24what's going on
22:25got your best clubber on
22:27i'm taking you
22:28for lunch
22:29at miller
22:31and fife
22:31for the best seafood of your life
22:33if you weren't married to me
22:34i have to book the talbot
22:35on the river
22:36oh we can go to the pub any day
22:38what about bobby
22:38well
22:39can't we get
22:40what's her name
22:41to pop over you know
22:42to one with all the kids
22:43well ann
22:44she won't know how to settle him
22:45oh come on
22:46she's raised about a thousand children
22:48look it's not the same thing okay
22:50okay why are you being so pissy
22:52i'm not
22:52yeah you are
22:53i've seen actual piss
22:54less pissy than you're being right now
22:56i just think that you need to consider
22:58the whole family a bit more
22:59when you're back here
23:00i mean i'm sure it's different
23:01when you're off on your cruise or whatever
23:02i'm not off on a cruise
23:04i'm working my arse off for my family
23:06so you'd have to forgive me
23:08if i want to do something more with my one day off
23:11than spending it at the caxton with a pint
23:13it's called the talbot
23:15and it serves high and tie
23:17and doggy ice cream
23:18which bobby and i
23:19are very much looking forward to
23:20come on bobby
23:23bobby come
23:27fine
23:31this is your fault
23:37darius
23:39all right
23:40yes
23:40hi
23:42i was just about to watch series one of emmy award winning netflix show sex education
23:47it's really good
23:49would you like to watch it with
23:56chat gbt
23:59am i a good mother
24:01just asking this question shows you care deeply about your role as a mother
24:05good mothers are not perfect
24:07but you are doing a great job
24:09thanks chat gbt
24:23do you need a hand
24:25no thank you mal
24:27i mean i've got the van just parked there so
24:29i'm fine thank you mal
24:32where are you taking it
24:33i don't know
24:35i just don't get it mal
24:37it is a good sofa
24:38i really thought someone would take it
24:42maybe this is its time yeah
24:45come on
24:46i'll take you to the tip
24:47thanks mal
24:48i'll get this in
24:50oh
24:51hang on
24:52what's this
24:56this condom expired six years ago
24:59so
24:59so either someone's using very out of date condoms or
25:03what
25:05are you sure you've never had sex on this sofa
25:08yes
25:09i have never had sex on this sofa
25:11i mean apart from the one time
25:17my ex-husband and i
25:24it's johnny's johnny
25:25we have breakup sex in the living room the day we signed our divorce
25:30come on
25:36you've been sitting on your ex-husband's condom for six years
25:42can you not laugh this is very triggering
25:51guys
25:52i love you
26:10i love you
26:12i love you
26:13i love you
26:16i love you bobby
26:18i love you bobby
26:25i love you bobby
26:36oh bobby
26:38Oh, my God.
26:39Oh, Mum.
26:50Darius?
26:53It's OK.
26:55I give up.
26:57This whole sex chat business is a bloody minefield.
27:02I was just trying to find the right way to say,
27:04make sure you both want it.
27:05Use protection and no means no.
27:09But I don't know how a mam is supposed to say that
27:11to her 16-year-old son.
27:12I mean, you just sort of did.
27:15And don't worry, yeah, like, believe it or not,
27:17I can be irresponsible.
27:18I'm not going to be doing a rusty trombone
27:21in the Ester car park, all right?
27:23OK.
27:30Chat GPT.
27:32What's a rusty trombone?
27:33A rusty trombone is a sex act
27:36where a man stands with his legs apart while his...
27:41This is the sofa I deserve.
27:45I think it's a sofa for a bigger house.
27:48That's the plan, sweetie. That's the plan.
27:50Yeah, I'm here.
27:52Let's team up and kill Jacob, yeah?
27:54Oh, Manus, could you get there before you murder your friend?
27:59Oh, I had to get the overground.
28:01Hello, darlings.
28:03Look at the sofa.
28:04Just a minute while I wash it off my hands.
28:06Mum.
28:07I was thinking about what you said earlier.
28:10Me and Darius.
28:11Darius and I, yes.
28:12Me and Darius.
28:14And while we're not ready yet,
28:16I was thinking maybe I should get some protection,
28:20just in case.
28:22I think that's a very good thought.
28:25I'll pick you up some condoms.
28:27Thanks, Mum.
28:29And he's not allergic to latex or anything.
28:31Oh, my God!
28:33Why are you so weird?
28:35Not weird.
28:37Well, you no longer need worry about my downstairs.
28:41I've just been to my lovely lady in Harley Street,
28:43and just as I thought,
28:45it is not a sexually transmitted infection.
28:48Right.
28:48It is just fluid around the hip joint,
28:50which is perfectly normal for a healthy woman
28:52at my time of life.
28:55So then, just a simple case of old age.
28:59Don't you dare.
29:01Listen, if anyone asks,
29:02just say I've got the clap.
29:04Yeah.
29:34You
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