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00:15Fierce Traveling Fitness, your favorite TV show featuring kids who are too muscular for their age.
00:21We travel across the country putting families in the Fierce Traveling Fitness days.
00:25Fierce Traveling Fitness, sponsored by Nerbs & Co Health Foods.
00:29Today, we'll test the tenacity of the Tuttle family with Dad, Eugene, Mom, Julia, and the twins, Ethley and E
00:36-Man.
00:37Um, we're Emily and Ethley?
00:39They'll be battling against the Carmichael family with Dad, Richard, Mom, Vanessa, Daughter, Corrine, and their biological son, Sir Butt
00:47-Tubes.
00:47Definitely not my servant slash butler slash tutor who my family pays to do whatever I want.
00:52If we win, I get Christmas off.
00:55Each episode, I, Flex Vortex, pick a strong, smart assistant referee from an elite pool of local athletes to help
01:02me host the games.
01:04Please welcome, Capernaikos!
01:09Who's Capernaikos?
01:10I'm a zebra!
01:13Instant regret!
01:15A sepyat!
01:17To meet with Son.
01:23A sepyat!
01:35You're a departure of Jesus.
01:36A payday!
01:36When he'sagueredället WEBSITE!
01:43Is he doing?
01:43Oh, you're right!
02:00The family who wins Fierce Family Fitness gets a year's supply of healthy, ready-made
02:05Nerpsico meals.
02:06Don't go anywhere.
02:08The competition begins right after these messages.
02:10Health Bars by Nerpsico, jam-packed with 100% natural-sounding ingredients.
02:16Tell your family and friends and get your products for free.
02:18I can't believe people are gonna watch us on TV!
02:21You have no idea.
02:23Richard Carmichael might have a bigger house, a better car...
02:26Larger paycheck, higher percentage of working hair follicles...
02:33But we've been training for this competition.
02:35I feel great!
02:36This weekend we'll show him we're a family of winners!
02:40Yeah, and it was really nice of Nerpsico to supply health food for the whole competition!
02:44And if we win?
02:45Not cooking for a year!
02:47You don't cook anyway.
02:48Even better!
02:50Healthy gummy bears?
02:51That's just wrong!
02:54And delicious!
02:55I can hear my heart pumping already!
02:58I'm just excited to spend quality time with my family while decimating the Carmichael's!
03:03Woohoo!
03:04That's the spirit!
03:06Hands in, everyone!
03:08Go Tuttles!
03:09Go Tuttles!
03:12Ugh!
03:13The Tuttles think they're so cute with their family cheer!
03:16Let's show them, guys!
03:19Rent is late!
03:21We're shutting down the orphanage!
03:22I don't care!
03:23Send them back to their parents!
03:26Contestants, to your places!
03:31May the best family win!
03:33I'll see you in court!
03:34Huh?
03:35On the phone!
03:37The competition begins in three, two...
03:42Of course I'm at the office!
03:44Where else would I be?
03:45Round one is dad versus dad in a water obstacle court!
03:49My dad is a squirrel sometimes!
03:52I'd push you down the stairs, but that would make me more unlikable!
03:55Yeah!
04:11Oh dear!
04:12This is the reason they all sign liability waivers!
04:15Come on, dad!
04:17You got this!
04:17Go Eugene!
04:19Ooh!
04:27Oh!
04:29Oh, indeed!
04:31Tough break for Eugene!
04:32Should've taken a snack break with Nerpsico's Max Mobility Mocha!
04:38It's not just coffee.
04:39It's victory in a bottle!
04:40My squirrel dad breaks those!
04:46Jamie!
04:47I don't care where the nuns go!
04:49Just get them out!
04:50Retard!
04:51Get going!
04:52Ah, that was just my secretary.
04:53I'm still here, touching you by the minute.
04:56Look!
04:57If the puppies don't like sewage in their water,
05:00they shouldn't have set up their shelter next to the treatment plant!
05:04Yes, yes, that's good for the children,
05:06but what about my make-a-wish?
05:08To make money!
05:11And Eugene, Tex, and Julia!
05:13The Tunnels have won a run!
05:16Yeah, baby!
05:17Yeah, baby!
05:18Woo-hoo!
05:21Yes!
05:22Take that, Richard!
05:24I'll sue you and everyone you love!
05:25Excuse me?
05:26Shh!
05:27I'm talking to my grandma!
05:29On to round two!
05:31It's a bike course through the city!
05:33Mom vs. Mom!
05:34It's the Tour de Moms!
05:38Ouchie!
05:39As the moms race,
05:40the daughters will put their bodies and brains to the desk,
05:43each building a bridge stable enough
05:45to get their moms across this round's finish line!
05:49Engineering?
05:50On a Saturday?
05:51That's all right!
05:53Oh, I always hire Sir ButtTube to do work like this!
05:57Ah!
06:01Ah!
06:08Ah!
06:10Ah!
06:11Ah!
06:12Ah!
06:13Ah!
06:13Ah!
06:14Ah!
06:15Oh!
06:16Looks like Vanessa's got the mid-race crash!
06:19But she hydrates with zertico's voltage juice!
06:22Look at her!
06:23She's blowing!
06:37Ah!
06:38Ah!
06:38Ah!
06:38Ah!
06:39Ah!
06:40Ah!
06:40Can I help?
06:41Ah!
06:43Ah!
06:44Ah!
06:48No!
06:49What a show!
06:51Vanessa wins!
06:52A head start for her team in the last leg!
06:58Amazing form!
06:59Now with everything on the line,
07:00the last leg is do or die,
07:02mostly do but possibly die.
07:04And now a quick word from our sponsor!
07:05Eat and drink your Nerpsico!
07:13Sorry, honey. I'm not feeling so hot.
07:16You gave it your best.
07:21My IBS is flaring up for some reason.
07:24Oh, hi, twins!
07:25I was just getting the free Nerpsico complimentary Botox with Beth.
07:30Hi, twins. Long time no alien invasion.
07:32Uh, is it normal to feel your pancreas?
07:36Have you ever felt like your stomach wanted to strangle you?
07:40You didn't eat a bunch of brightly packaged food
07:43without reading the labels, did you?
07:47What?
07:50Oh, you look weird.
07:53Has your head always been so big?
07:56Ooh, we haven't had a good fever dream in a game show since then!
08:00Bumble!
08:03Bumble!
08:03Bumble!
08:05Bumble!
08:06Bumble!
08:08Bumble!
08:09Bumble!
08:11Bumble!
08:14Bumble!
08:15No fish!
08:16Awww.
08:17Ugh.
08:18Where are we?
08:19It looks like some sort of rehabilitation center
08:22for outdated food claims.
08:23My beloved munchkins!
08:25Grandma, you're walking!
08:27And nice to us?
08:28Anything is possible in food-induced fever dreams.
08:33I'll take it.
08:34I got milk. I got milk. I got milk.
08:37Does that meal triangle look familiar?
08:40That's not just any meal triangle, my sweet prince.
08:42That's the food pyramid.
08:45The food pyramid?
08:46The food pyramid was an educational tool
08:49used to help kids know how much of each different kind of food to eat.
08:53No, no, no.
08:54I used to be the food pyramid,
08:56hung in every classroom in America,
08:59brainwashing children into eating bad food.
09:02But I put the past behind me,
09:03and now I'm just a talking triangle.
09:05Did you eat your 11 slices of white bread today?
09:08Sorry, old habits.
09:09How did a nutrition chart like you help sell unhealthy foods?
09:13I was used by the food industrial complex.
09:16The what?
09:17It's when big food companies team up with the government
09:19to put profits over people's health.
09:22How do they do that?
09:24Cigarettes!
09:25What?
09:25You can't say that on a kids' show.
09:27It was wrong then, and it is wrong now.
09:30Let me back up.
09:31See that guy?
09:32Oh.
09:33Smoking is good for you?
09:35No way anyone ever believed that.
09:37Oh, they sure did.
09:39Thanks to the schemes in this playbook.
09:41In the 1950s,
09:43even though cigarette companies knew their product was deadly,
09:46they still marketed them as healthy
09:48with deceptive advertising and fake health studies,
09:50while adding ingredients to make them even more addictive.
09:54Okay, but we don't smoke.
09:56What does that have to do with the food we eat?
09:58In the 1980s and 90s,
10:00these same cigarette companies bought the world's biggest food brands
10:04and then used the same playbook.
10:08They marketed them as healthy and fun,
10:11conducted fake health studies,
10:13and added ingredients to make them more addictive.
10:15Then they got the U.S. Department of Agriculture
10:19to put sugary foods like Cocoa Poofs
10:21and Frosty Flags at the bottom of the pyramid.
10:24The bottom?
10:25But that's the biggest section.
10:27Exactly!
10:28The section for food I'd recommend the most!
10:31Ha ha ha ha ha!
10:32No offense,
10:33but I don't think anybody uses this old food pyramid anymore.
10:37But food companies and the government are still tight,
10:39and the lies keep flooding in.
10:41Who do you think approved the idea
10:43that french fries and pizza sauce
10:45are vegetables for your school lunch?
10:47Ha ha ha ha ha!
10:48The government?
10:49And who paid millions of dollars
10:51to get the government to say that
10:52so they could keep their billion-dollar school lunch contracts?
10:55The big food companies.
10:57And what do we call that?
10:58The food industrial complex!
11:01Yep, the food industrial complex
11:03will tell you that some healthy foods are bad
11:05and some bad foods are healthy
11:07so they make more money.
11:09Coco-poofs are better for you than red meat!
11:12They really claimed that in 2022!
11:14But that's a lie!
11:16How can they lie?
11:17Big companies like NerpsyCo pay the politicians.
11:21Politicians sign off on their bad ingredients
11:24and give them a government stamp of approval.
11:26Then, the companies make more money
11:28and pay more politicians.
11:30And this cycle of greed
11:32has had catastrophic effects on health!
11:34It's true.
11:3660 years ago,
11:37when kids ate a diet of minimally processed foods,
11:39only 5% of kids were chronically ill or overweight.
11:43But today,
11:43it's 50%
11:44as kids eat a diet of ultra-processed food
11:47that has the government stamp of approval.
11:49Who cares about the government stamp of approve?
11:53FDA approved!
11:54Dang it!
11:55What does ultra-processed actually mean?
11:57This NerpsyCo health bar contains almonds which grow on a tree.
12:02These whole almonds contain natural good fats,
12:06proteins,
12:06and nutrients your body loves.
12:08Great!
12:09But then,
12:10NerpsyCo ultra-processes the almonds,
12:13grinding away fiber,
12:16adding sugar and chemicals,
12:18until they barely resemble almonds at all.
12:21I want to take a closer look.
12:23Where did you get that?
12:26I always bring a pocket microscope to my fever dreams.
12:29Whoa!
12:31This almond's cells look alive!
12:34Amazing!
12:35Whoa, look at this!
12:36What do you think it is?
12:38It looks dead.
12:39It's your gummy bear, Ethan!
12:41No wonder we're feeling dead!
12:43We've been eating dead food!
12:46You mean my tummy troubles?
12:48My IBS could be tied to what I eat?
12:52Ethan, take it easy!
12:53They're my emotional support gummy bears.
12:56One for you, one for me.
12:59I know I smell a boy with IBS!
13:10Sugar!
13:11I got the runs, but not the baseball kind.
13:14Holy gummy bear!
13:16Oh, you're finally getting it, twins!
13:19I'm so proud of you!
13:20Oh, nice, Grandma, is the best!
13:23Oh, Grandma, I could stay here forever!
13:26But we gotta go back to a fitness competition
13:29right after this sugar-filled fever dream.
13:31How can we know what food is good to eat?
13:33As a general rule,
13:34the closer you can get to eating fresh, whole foods, the better.
13:37The closer to the farm, the further from harm.
13:39Which is less processed?
13:41The almonds or the almond health bar?
13:43The almonds!
13:45Vegetables or veggie chips?
13:47Vegetables!
13:48Nailed it!
13:49Ah, but I bet fresh, whole foods are more expensive, though.
13:53Not always!
13:54You can find inexpensive options with a little bit of research!
13:58Or grow your own garden to avoid pesticides from big industrial farms!
14:02And don't forget that ultra-processed foods come with the hidden cost of medical expenses down the road
14:07after you've been slowly poisoned over the years!
14:10Man, you're a downer.
14:11Look, man, this is your fever dream.
14:12Thank you, sad, sad pyramid lady full of regret!
14:16You may have brainwashed millions of kids into eating poorly,
14:19but you just convinced two kids to eat healthily.
14:22Goodbye!
14:23Remember, I was born on lies!
14:26But you can eat the truth!
14:30And never forget how much I love you just the way you are!
14:38I love you too, Grandma!
14:40What?
14:41Quiet!
14:42It's Grandma time!
14:48The race!
14:50Matt?
14:51Great!
14:52You kids scare the way my only friend with your weird dream!
14:55Oh, but I still feel bloated and tired!
14:58I wish we had more time to make healthy choices, but it's go time!
15:02You got this, Ethan!
15:04Woo!
15:04Bring honor to the title game!
15:06If we win, I think I'll celebrate by suing you.
15:10Are you still on a call?
15:12Nope.
15:15Water?
15:16Check.
15:17Laces?
15:18Check.
15:18Energy gummy bears?
15:21Check!
15:22You still haven't learned your lesson!
15:24Sorry!
15:25Bad habits!
15:25They're just so irresistible!
15:27Alright, time to go!
15:28Go where?
15:33You can't be serious!
15:37Where did Emily go?
15:48Is this Ethan?
15:51Grandma, this doesn't look very anatomically correct.
15:54You want us to get kicked off the air?
15:56Go save your brother!
15:57Yuck!
15:58That was way worse than the Lazy River!
16:00And I know how much kids pee in those.
16:05Are these Ethan's cells?
16:07It's about time someone showed up.
16:10We're running on sugar fumes down here.
16:12Wait!
16:12I know this one!
16:13You're powered by the mitochondria!
16:15The powerhouse of a cell!
16:17See, that's the only thing kids remember about us from science class.
16:22Hey!
16:22I happen to remember 731 things.
16:26Good for you.
16:27We help turn the food you eat into energy for your body.
16:30But if Ethan keeps eating like a garbage disposal, we can't power anything very well.
16:38And then there's that guy!
16:44What is that?
16:46He comes from the depths of the mountains!
16:50Ethan's on the air!
16:53Oh, what's going on in there?
16:56Ethan, it's me!
16:58Emily, where are you?
16:59In your digestive system!
17:01What?
17:01Don't panic!
17:03Too late.
17:04Hey, E!
17:05May the best biological brother win!
17:09Welcome back, folks!
17:10As a reminder, Sir Butt-toot, the Carmichael's biological child, gets a slight head start thanks to Podesta's excellent finish.
17:18Wait!
17:18No, no, no!
17:25Your IBS is aggressive!
17:28You have no idea!
17:32If I'm going to escape and you're going to win, you need to eat better food!
17:36Roger that!
17:42Okay, okay.
17:43Apple juice or fresh apple?
17:45Remember, the closer to the farm, the further from harm!
17:48Right, whole food!
17:56Ethan, it's lurking!
17:59Hi-ya!
18:06Sir Butt, uh, brother, Ethan's gating on us!
18:09Eat more curbsy bars!
18:14Almonds or almond bar?
18:15Almonds!
18:17Oh!
18:24Oh!
18:26Oh!
18:26Oh!
18:27Oh!
18:27Oh!
18:29Oh!
18:35Oh!
18:35It's so beautiful!
18:37What is it, Ethan?
18:38What is it, Ethan?
18:39Gummy bears!
18:41With protein and also high-fructose corn syrup!
18:44Ethan!
18:45What's less processed?
18:46Egg me!
18:47Egg me!
18:48You may not be addictively delicious, but at least you're real food!
18:51Forgive me.
18:59Cells!
19:00Are you not cells of honor?
19:03Yes!
19:04Then fight!
19:05Fight for Ethan to the death!
19:08To the death!
19:09Or help his gut?
19:11I'm not really sure how this works.
19:13To the death or something else!
19:25Did you literally just eat another gummy bear?
19:29Sorry, it just happened.
19:41Cells, let us finish this once and for all.
19:44For Ethan, for gut health, and for fire!
19:59You're not stealing my Christmas, boy!
20:03Ah!
20:07Ah!
20:08Ah!
20:09Ah!
20:09Ah!
20:10Ah!
20:11Ah!
20:13Ah!
20:14Ah!
20:15Ah!
20:15Ah!
20:15Ah!
20:15Ah!
20:16Ah!
20:16Ah!
20:16Ah!
20:18Ah!
20:20Ah!
20:21Ah!
20:22Ah!
20:26Not like you're getting paid!
20:28Why isn't the Nerf T. Coalter Process food working?
20:46Process this!
21:12I'm gonna go take a shower
21:18who would have known 200 milligrams of caffeine sodium and food diet rate 40 doesn't help my
21:24physical performance the winners of fierce family fitness are the tunnel family you'll be receiving
21:35a year's supply of nerpsico foods technically it's not real food it's ultra processed caloric
21:44garbage a concoction of processed sugar and nutritional sawdust with 37 dead ingredients
22:01please excuse my assistant he's clearly not thinking straight yes thanks to eating lots of this
22:07anyway nerpsico is a proud sponsor of oh hello oh wow what's a class action
22:20so how are we supposed to eat a year's supply of this garbage
22:39the closer to the farm the further from harm pick up beth
22:46esa muchacha comes for the free botox but then leaves when my family actually wins something
23:10good afternoon children watchers you may have noticed in this episode many instances of people
23:18talking with food in their mouths icky gross barbaric heathen swine
23:24and you do not speak with food in your mouth it's in the light and you will die thank you
24:00thank you
24:03you
24:04you
24:04you
24:05you
24:09you
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