- 7 hours ago
Only Child - Season 2 Episode 2 - Seize the Day-Lewis
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Dad, why have you sent me a petition to stop people feeding bread to the ducks in the park?
00:07Oh, and why are you peeing with the door open again?
00:10Well, come on then.
00:11Just that, how many times have I told you just closed the door?
00:13What did you say?
00:14Face the front.
00:15Well, I was facing the front until you started yabbering at me.
00:20Just...
00:22See how easy that is?
00:25Eh?
00:28Did you get the petition I forwarded to you about feeding the ducks bread?
00:34It has no nutritional value whatsoever.
00:39Eh?
00:45Eh, James, it's a long one, this.
00:53I don't suppose you know where the only working phone charger is.
00:56I want 5%.
00:57Oh, I lent it to Beth.
00:59You lent it to Beth?
01:00Yes.
01:01Should you need a phone charger?
01:02I need a phone charger.
01:03Well, you'll have to call Beth.
01:05Oh.
01:06What day is it today?
01:08Monday.
01:09Monday.
01:10This Monday.
01:11Yes, Dad.
01:12Today is this Monday.
01:14You will be looking forward to your birthday on Saturday, eh?
01:19I booked a wee table at the New Italian.
01:22I told them on the phone I'd be having the lasagna.
01:25Well, you'll be eating alone, I'm afraid.
01:27Eh?
01:27Well, I just don't feel like there's much worse celebrating in my life right now.
01:31What do you mean?
01:32What do you mean?
01:33What do I mean?
01:34This isn't how I saw my life at 40.
01:36Living at home in the forest with my Dad,
01:38sleeping on a sofa bed in my childhood bedroom.
01:43Plus, Emily's with Tim now.
01:45I mean, what is he saying in him?
01:47What's he got that I don't?
01:48Well, he's got a house, he's got a car, he runs his own business,
01:52and of course, we've already mentioned he's got Emily.
01:55But I mean, a part of that.
01:57I just thought by 40 I'd be living in my terraced house in Notting Hill
02:02with my wife and maybe a little Richard running around.
02:05The singer?
02:06Kids?
02:07Oh, right, right, right.
02:09PHONE RINGS
02:11Sally!
02:12Hi!
02:13No, I'm telling you, the smell is still here.
02:15Sally?
02:16Well, I don't know what it is.
02:17Do I, Pippa?
02:18I'm not a cleaner.
02:19You're my assistant, you work it out.
02:21And do it somewhere else, please.
02:23I have to call Richard Pritchard.
02:25No, you have called me, Sally.
02:27It's Richard.
02:28Oh, God knows.
02:29I mean, I don't know why I'm bothered.
02:30There's never any offers for him.
02:32To be honest, I've stopped putting his name forward for things.
02:34Oh, the, er, director mentioned me by name.
02:38Yes, maybe the smell is his career dying.
02:41Ha!
02:41That's very good, Pippa.
02:42OK, let's get this over with.
02:44PHONE RINGS
02:45Er...
02:46Oh, thanks, Sally.
02:48No, you take care.
02:51Good news, eh?
03:06Hi.
03:08I'm Tim Village, and I coach men to unlock their true potential.
03:12I truly believe that what starts in the gym ends with you nailing that presentation in the boardroom,
03:18and getting the confidence to ask out that girl of your dreams.
03:21Yeah.
03:21Oh, boy, if you...
03:22So give me a follow, if you want me to help transform your life.
03:27Because...
03:27It takes more than a village.
03:30Tim Village.
03:31Oh.
03:33Oh, God, I followed him.
03:34Oh, no, no.
03:37Unfollow!
03:37Unfollow!
03:39No!
03:45Why?!
04:04You all right?
04:06Do you know, I really believed I was going to be a successful and respected actor.
04:14I mean, what am I going to do to that? I'm completely broke.
04:19Well...
04:20Maybe you could get yourself a real job.
04:24Exactly.
04:26There's nothing I can do.
04:30Listen, son, if I've learnt anything over this past year,
04:34it's that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything.
04:38What you need is a wee part-time gig, you know, somebody to tidy over.
04:43Ian and Jen, they're looking for some help with the beastie.
04:47Oh, be humiliated.
04:48My face is on the wall of fame.
04:51Yeah.
04:52You could maybe ask them and take your picture down.
04:55Are you kidding me?
04:56That's all I've got to show for my career.
04:59Well, just think of it as a wee diversion, maybe, on the way to better things.
05:03Look at that Robert De Niro fella.
05:05He drove a taxi.
05:07Ah, whilst researching taxi driver for which he won an Oscar.
05:13Well, what about that other boy, the left-footed boy, played the Guilford Four.
05:17The President with a funny chin.
05:20Daniel D. Lewis?
05:21Ah, that's him.
05:22He did lots of other things.
05:23He was a cobbler.
05:27I suppose when you look at it like that, I mean, I'm not comparing myself to Daniel D. Lewis.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Very wise.
05:33But it wouldn't be like I was actually working there.
05:36It'd be more like a, what's it called, a sabbatical.
05:41You know, mixing with the salt of the earth.
05:44Filling up my inspiration cup.
05:46I would think of it more along the lines of filling up your bank account, maybe.
05:51Yeah, I do feel bad about not paying rent here.
05:54Ah.
05:55No, honestly, I've been here for a while now and I want to contribute.
05:59So don't argue.
06:01Okay.
06:06Maybe argue a wee bit if you...
06:08Drink your tea before it gets cold.
06:14Can I just say what an honour it is for you to even consider the Beastie as your potential employer?
06:19Don't mention it.
06:21What would the shift pattern be?
06:24Shift pattern?
06:26What a lovely turn of phrase, Richard.
06:28Well, right now it would be Tuesday and Thursdays so that Jen and I can have our date night.
06:34Our marriage counsellors idea.
06:36She said we should introduce date nights to our marriage day.
06:39Give us a break from the norm.
06:40So I'd be by myself behind the bar?
06:43Yeah, but we'd just be at one of those tables over there.
06:44Oh, you're having your date nights here?
06:48Best pub in forest.
06:49Where else would we go?
06:50Fair comment.
06:53So...
06:53Do you have any previous bar experience?
06:56No.
06:58Not to worry.
06:59Next question.
07:00Tell me, what do you see here?
07:03Just say what you see.
07:04A moth?
07:06Funny looking moth.
07:07No.
07:08We were looking for Satan himself.
07:10Well, it's interpretive, isn't it?
07:12So, say during your shift, the pub catches fire.
07:16Now, you only have time to save one of us.
07:19So who do you save?
07:20Come on, that's a bit difficult.
07:22It's just a bit of fun.
07:23Yeah, there's no right or wrong answer.
07:25You know, I'll make it easy for you.
07:27I'm lying right by the door.
07:28Uh, okay, and where's Jen?
07:30She's in the cellar, trapped under a crate of sweats.
07:33Uh, right, well, in that case, um...
07:38I'd save you, Ian, because you're by the door.
07:43What about Jen?
07:46Um, well, I know, but I just thought...
07:49You're burnt to a Chris Pritchard.
07:50I know, but...
07:51No, it's fine.
07:53I just didn't realise you felt that way about me.
07:55Oh, my love.
07:56No, if you'll excuse me.
07:57I'm sorry, Jen.
07:59Don't call me!
08:02Women and children, Richard.
08:04Everybody knows you saved them first.
08:06Why did you put yourself by the door?
08:07Don't you pin this on me!
08:09Well, just ask me again and I'll say I saved her.
08:11So I've gone to death now.
08:12What do you want me to say?
08:13Thank you for coming in, Mr Pritchard.
08:17We'll be in touch.
08:20Actually, I work here, so you leave.
08:27Ah, yes, sir. What can I get you?
08:37Who are you texting?
08:39Not that it's any of your business, but I'm asking Beth if she'd like to come to dinner on Saturday.
08:44If you're adamant about being the right misery guts.
08:48I am.
08:50Well, could you turn off the sounds at least?
08:53Eh?
08:54The key tones.
08:57The sounds of the letters.
08:59The noise you were just making.
09:03Right, just press the button on your phone.
09:06What, on this phone?
09:07The phone? Yes, that phone.
09:10Well, can you hear that?
09:12Hear what?
09:12Oh, for goodness.
09:14Nice.
09:17Key tones silenced.
09:20Try to concentrate over here.
09:21Well, it's all right with you.
09:22I'll just finish texting Beth.
09:23Is that all right?
09:24Mm-hmm.
09:26How do I get an aubergine emoji?
09:29Why?
09:30Because I want to tell her what I'm going to grow in my new greenhouse.
09:34Oh.
09:45Morning.
09:46Unbelievable.
09:55Hi.
09:56Just, I'm looking for some part-time work, is there?
09:59Oh, no.
10:13Hey there.
10:14Just wanting a few.
10:15That's it, in here.
10:16Right, okay.
10:17Right, okay.
10:29I think I might need some WD-40.
10:32Hi, how are you doing?
10:33I was just wondering if I could...
10:36Fine, thanks.
10:37Good.
10:39Yeah, I was just wondering if I could hand this in to someone.
10:42Get the manager.
10:44Great, thank you.
10:50Hi, you're here for the job?
10:52Hi, um, yeah, yeah, I wasn't sure if you were hiring
10:57because there's a closing down sale sign in the window, but...
11:00Oh, yeah, it always says that, draws people in.
11:03I can do an interview now if you have time.
11:05Uh, yeah, yeah.
11:07Wait, do I recognise you?
11:10No.
11:11Well, I mean, I was on a TV show on Detective Manners,
11:16it was a bit of a Sunday night staple.
11:18You're the guy from the bed shop?
11:19Also, we might have met once in a bed shop.
11:21Do you and your dad just follow me around from job to job?
11:25Well, I think the question is,
11:26why can you not hold down a job?
11:29Yeah, your question was better.
11:31Annoyingly, we are very short-staffed at the minute.
11:35Are you outdoorsy at all?
11:37Outdoorsy?
11:37I can't, big time, you know, when I'm not indoors,
11:41I tend to be outdoors.
11:46I can't, I can't, please, I really need this.
11:49I won't let you down, I promise.
11:54You do a probationary period for the rest of the week
11:57and take it from there.
12:00Seriously, thank you.
12:01What's your name?
12:03Richard.
12:03We already have a Richard.
12:05Aye.
12:06You'll have to be Richard too.
12:08Richard, you're Richard One.
12:09Cool.
12:10Any questions?
12:11Can I be Richard One?
12:12No.
12:12Then no, no further questions.
12:39Richard?
12:41Oh, hi.
12:42Just, uh, getting some reps in.
12:45Wow.
12:46So first you follow me on the socials,
12:48and now you're here for a consultation.
12:50Oh, yeah, no, it's not that.
12:51It's just...
12:51Please, sit.
12:56So?
13:00Oh, um...
13:01Yeah, yeah.
13:02I'd like to get in shape.
13:05Hmm.
13:06I guess I'm interested, Richard.
13:08Can I call you Richard?
13:09Yes, my name.
13:10I guess I'm interested, Richard,
13:11in the first time you looked in the mirror and thought,
13:13hey, who is that guy staring back at me?
13:17That's not the Richard I know.
13:18Well, there was this one time I got lost in the hall of mirrors.
13:20What I'm trying to get at is emotionally.
13:23Where are you at, man?
13:25Uh, I don't know.
13:28I'm living at home with my dad, which is tough.
13:31He started peeing with the door open, which isn't great.
13:34Uh, oh, can I just check something about the trainer-person-in-gym confidentiality deal?
13:40Oh, um, well, this is a safe space.
13:42Cool.
13:43Okay, so you're living at home with your dad.
13:45He's urinising publicly.
13:46Continue.
13:47Well, I'm only there because I lost my job.
13:49Well, it's not the only reason.
13:51I was a bit worried about him after we lost my mum.
13:53When did you lose your mum?
13:55Um, two and a bit years ago.
13:57Okay, let's just pause there.
14:02Um, what was she called?
14:05Jean.
14:06Jean.
14:07She sounds incredible.
14:08I lost my dad last year.
14:10His name was Douglas.
14:13You see, Richard, we can only experience grief if first we experience love.
14:19Yeah, I think of a coaster that says roughly the same thing.
14:21The thing is, Richard, how do we move forward from that?
14:27Because all we've got is the future.
14:32What about the present?
14:34It's already in the past.
14:37What about now?
14:38It's gone.
14:40Right.
14:41No?
14:41It's gone.
14:42No?
14:42It's gone again.
14:43Yeah, no, I see what you're seeing.
14:44What about, like, no.
14:45There is no now.
14:46It's just past.
14:47But that's the point I'm trying to make.
14:49So that's gone too?
14:49Yeah, it's gone, I'm afraid.
14:51Actually, I meant to ask, how on the earth did you and Emily meet?
14:55Well, it's a very funny story, actually.
14:57Um, we met in a supermarket.
15:02That's the end of the story?
15:04Yeah, it's the end of it.
15:04She's a great gal.
15:05Yeah, she really is.
15:07Yeah, and you know what?
15:08You, my friend, are in luck.
15:10Because I actually have had a client drop out, so I do have a space on my transformation program.
15:15Okay.
15:17To be honest, Tim, if I can call you that, please.
15:20Money is a bit tight at the moment.
15:23Okay, well, I put it to you, Richard.
15:25How much is it costing you to stay the same?
15:29Well, actually, that's free.
15:30Okay, look, look.
15:31You're a friend of Emily's, and I'm a big fan of hers, obviously.
15:35So how about we just pro bono, whilst you get yourself back on your feet?
15:41What's stopping you now?
15:43Well, I wish I knew.
15:46Welcome.
15:53Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Richard, happy birthday
16:05happy birthday dear Richard.
16:06Happy birthday to you.
16:07Thanks.
16:08Happy birthday.
16:09Happy birthday.
16:11Happy birthday.
16:11These are getting a bit soggy now.
16:12Happy birthday.
16:13That's fine for now.
16:15All right, yeah.
16:15Please yourself.
16:17There you go.
16:23Oh, thanks, Dad.
16:25Genuinely.
16:26Now, about the rent we talked about?
16:36Here, you have a wee tenner to yourself.
16:38There you go.
16:39Oh.
16:41How's it feel about being your own way again, eh?
16:44Eh?
16:44You?
16:45You're moving on up?
16:47Yeah.
16:48Look out, world.
17:04Look out, world.
17:27I mean, that's Robson Green for you.
17:30When he teamed up with Jill Halfpenny, I felt like it was just a riot.
17:34I mean, they're real jokers.
17:35I don't know who any of these people are.
17:37They're my co-stars on Detective Manners.
17:39You did ask.
17:40No, I didn't.
17:42No.
17:43No, yeah.
17:43No, you didn't.
17:45It's my birthday today.
17:47I must be wanting to relive the glory days.
17:50Happy birthday.
17:51What are you, like, forty?
17:54Couldn't you have guessed lower?
17:55What are you doing for it?
17:56Nothing much.
17:57Keeping it low-key.
17:58Could you buy me and my mates some cider?
18:01What?
18:01Why can't you buy it?
18:03I'm seventeen.
18:04We'd let you have a can.
18:05We're hanging out at the duck pond later.
18:07Yeah, thanks.
18:08But I'm not spending my fortieth with teenagers drinking cider at the duck pond.
18:12Right, Grandad.
18:13Chill out.
18:13How you getting on, Richard too?
18:15Settling in?
18:16Yeah, yeah.
18:17Richard one.
18:17Showing you the ropes?
18:19No, I forgot we also sell ropes.
18:22Made any sales yet?
18:23Well, not yet, but I will.
18:26You sound like the present.
18:27Richard!
18:30You work here.
18:32Me?
18:32I wouldn't have thought so.
18:33Yes, he does.
18:34Well, technically I do, but I'm actually just researching a role.
18:43It's like an outdoorsy, rugged type.
18:45It's called Camp Man.
18:48A Camp Man?
18:49No, Camp Man.
18:50You say it quickly.
18:51Camp Man.
18:53Richard here can help you with anything you're looking for today.
18:59Still waiting for your morning run data, Richard.
19:01Yeah, sorry, I forgot to download the app.
19:04So you're telling me you don't know your elevation gain?
19:07What are you two whispering about?
19:09Nothing.
19:11So, how can I help you?
19:13Well, we're going to Aviemore in a few weeks.
19:15I'm running a 10k.
19:16And we just thought we'd do some wild camping afterwards,
19:19so we are looking for your best two-person tent.
19:21A two-person tent for you and Emily?
19:23No, for Ant and Dec.
19:25Did we not mention they were coming too?
19:27Well, actually, we're out of two-person tents.
19:30Ah.
19:32What about those?
19:33No, I wouldn't go near them.
19:34They're not up to it.
19:34Sorry, can I just...
19:35Is everything okay?
19:37We're looking for a two-person tent.
19:38Do you know what? We could go elsewhere.
19:40No, no, no need.
19:41Please follow me.
19:42We have some lovely two-person tents.
19:44Or have you considered these very roomy one-person tents?
19:49The customers have asked for a two-person tent.
19:52Yeah, I know, but these ones are...
19:55Buy one, go on free.
19:56No, they're not.
19:57I know they're not.
19:58That's right, but they could be.
19:59Richard too.
19:59Why don't you pop into the back and do a quick stock take?
20:03Okay, you win.
20:04Right, 80% off, final offer.
20:06Get out.
20:07What?
20:07You heard me.
20:08You're fired.
20:10Fine.
20:12Unbelievable.
20:16Just trying to get my jacket.
20:24Um, just...
20:26It's...
20:28It's...
20:29You'll nap to it.
20:34Plenty of water on your hands.
20:36Just ease that clay out.
20:38When you feel you've made...
20:43Yeah.
20:45So, what do you think?
20:48You're too smart, is it?
20:50Not great, Dad.
20:55Everything okay?
20:57Okay.
20:58Bit nervous.
21:00Well, it's just a dinner with a nice lady who you've got a lot in common with.
21:03It's...
21:05It's...
21:06Will you come with me?
21:08No.
21:11Please?
21:13Absolutely not.
21:14I'll be a starter, then leaving.
21:16Okay?
21:17Hello.
21:19Table for Pritchard.
21:21Pritchard.
21:22One ex, I'm afraid.
21:24You made me come.
21:27I'm the man that called about the lasagna.
21:29Ah, yes.
21:30I remember you.
21:31The rest of your party's actually already here.
21:33Mm-hmm.
21:34Party?
21:37Oh, I'm gonna kill you when we get home.
21:42If I don't kill myself first.
21:44Oh, don't be so dramatic.
21:50So, did you get a tent in the end?
21:52Oh, yeah.
21:54Thanks.
21:55I should get a 50% commission.
21:59What's funny?
22:00Just what Richard said.
22:03I adore humour.
22:06I can't believe we're all here.
22:08I had one foot out the door, and then all of a sudden, I just got so nervous.
22:14I'm glad you did too, Ken, and it wasn't just me.
22:18It's silly, isn't it?
22:20Personally, I wish we could get rid of them now.
22:22I'll leave.
22:24Just sit where you are.
22:26How are you, Ken?
22:27Eamon Holmes.
22:28What?
22:29Yeah?
22:29Yeah, that will happen.
22:30I was watching an episode of Detective Manners today, Richard.
22:34Yeah.
22:35You were in it.
22:36Right.
22:37Say again.
22:38No, you were just saying about...
22:39What about?
22:40I mean, Detective Manners.
22:41I don't boast, Richard.
22:43I'm not busting.
22:43Yes, it was the gay one.
22:45You know, the one where the gay woman kills the gay man because she's jealous he got to direct the
22:50play for the village fair.
22:51Well, yeah, but I don't think them being gay had anything to do with...
22:54Say again, sir?
22:55Don't mumble, Richard.
22:56I'm not mumbling.
22:58Sorry about this.
23:00Carry on.
23:00What was that?
23:01Hello, what did you say?
23:02Oh, by the way, did you manage to gather all your ingredients for batch cooking tomorrow?
23:06Batch cooking?
23:08Oh, yeah, um, maybe I shouldn't say.
23:12Say what?
23:14Um, Richard has signed up as a new client.
23:18Richard has?
23:19What, this Richard?
23:20Oh, and remember, I need that video of you cooking.
23:24I'm not gonna send you a video of me cooking.
23:26Look, Richard, I need that video because otherwise you can't be held accountable.
23:31And if I can't hold you accountable, then I can't help you transform for who you were to, well, to
23:36who you want to...
23:39Third one be.
23:41Oh.
23:41Okay.
23:42Oh.
23:42Mm-hmm.
23:44I thought I needed...
23:45Um, do you know what, Tim, you're a lovely guy.
23:48Yeah, but I quit.
23:49Right, it's not you, it's me.
23:51Well, it is a bit you, but, um, yeah, I think the problem is I thought I needed a plan
23:56B, but I just forgot that when you have a plan A, you just have to make it work.
24:01I mean, I shouldn't be selling tents, you know?
24:03You don't.
24:04You got fired.
24:05Well, yeah, exactly.
24:06But no, no, that's exactly it because the universe knows that is not my path.
24:09My path is to find truth via performance.
24:14That's, that's what my path is.
24:16Yeah.
24:16I don't need a sabbatical.
24:18I need an audition and that is what, that is what I'm gonna do.
24:21So...
24:21Yeah.
24:23Cheers.
24:24Cheers to me.
24:25Just me, is it?
24:25That's all right.
24:26Okay.
24:26Well, here is to life beginning at a 40.
24:33You mean 42, right?
24:36What?
24:37I mean, how does this happen?
24:39I'm your only child, but it'd kill you to know how old I am.
24:43Don't blame me.
24:44I'm a pensioner.
24:45What's your excuse?
24:46Well, every actor does it.
24:47You shave off a year or two.
24:48Yeah, well, I think you're meant to keep track of the actual number in your head.
24:52Let's just think about this logically, okay?
24:55When was 1984?
24:57I just don't believe this.
24:58I realise life begins at 40 at 42.
25:01Well, on the plus side, some people think life begins at 50.
25:04So, less time to eat.
25:07If it cheers you up, Richard, I'll put your birthday into the Google machine.
25:11Oh, you know, on the online.
25:13And it says you have the same birthday as Audrey Hepburn.
25:16Yeah.
25:17Oh.
25:18Oh.
25:19And Michael Barrymore.
25:20Oh.
25:22What do you think happened there then, Richard?
25:35Ian?
25:37Jen?
25:43We've talked it through, and we see now.
25:45Although what you said was very hurtful.
25:48It was a hypothetical situation, and you didn't actually leave me to perish.
25:53No.
25:53Of course not.
25:55Aye.
25:56Water under the bridge.
25:57Which would hopefully put out the fire.
25:59No.
26:00Now, in our look, we'd end up both drowning.
26:04Yeah.
26:05You deserve that scenario, Richard.
26:10Just go, Richard.
26:11I'm sorry.
26:19Mira Cial guest starred in four episodes in total.
26:24And she's just a fantastic performer, incredibly versatile.
26:31Buddy.
26:32Buddy.
26:32Sorry.
26:33Can you not do that?
26:34It's got zero nutritional value for them.
26:38Who the hell is this guy?
27:09I want to remember to beember I said no anymore.
27:11How do you know?
Comments