- 15 hours ago
8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 02: Jon Richardson & Roisin Conaty, Rob Beckett & Kiell Smith-Bynoe, Lou Wall
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr GK!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:14Kyle Smith, Arbino, Roisin Conaty,
00:16Lou Wall, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:18Yay!
00:31Is that her? Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there wasn't a film.
00:34My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:46I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play in the queue with their music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:39Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:43a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:46First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role
02:00as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:05He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:12I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:15Do your Grouchy voice?
02:17Go on.
02:19I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:24Oh, it's good.
02:25Oh, that's good.
02:27That looks good.
02:29And John's teammate, Roisin Conaty.
02:36Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
02:39so I think we've finally solved the mystery
02:40as to why Woolworths went under.
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46No, no, I won't be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:52Sort of the good, like bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:54Forget I said Michael Jackson.
03:01Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03Yeah!
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
03:10because he had big nipples.
03:13Which begs the question,
03:15how big are these nipples?
03:18So, they've calmed down now,
03:20but there's a little bit of lump to them,
03:21but when I was going through puberty
03:23and your hormones were raging,
03:24they were big old puffy boys.
03:27And they looked like Jaffa Cakes
03:29because the areola
03:30is the chocolate flat bit.
03:33Then, on top of that,
03:34the orange filled chocolate bit
03:36was the nipply bit.
03:37Urgh!
03:39Can I, erm...
03:41Can I see you?
03:41Er, afterwards!
03:45Afterwards, you can.
03:47Why...
03:48I'll come over and show you, but not then.
03:50OK.
03:54I'll go, I'll have a look,
03:55I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:57I want to see!
03:58I want to see if everyone's up there enough.
04:01Oh, Jesus!
04:04Oh, God!
04:06Oh, sorry.
04:07Did you?
04:07Yeah.
04:07Oh, that is...
04:08That is not a normal.
04:10No, that's a normal...
04:11Oh, you sound like my mum!
04:12Yeah, that's...
04:15I want to see all of your tits
04:16if we're getting in comparison.
04:18Jimmy!
04:19Show me your tits!
04:20Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25OK.
04:26And joining Rob tonight,
04:27it's, er...
04:27Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:33Kyle says he's scared of pigeons.
04:35Well, apologies.
04:36If we'd known you were scared of small,
04:38annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
04:40we wouldn't have set you anywhere near John.
04:42That's fair!
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:45Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I'm not sure,
04:48but I am very good at remembering my postcode,
04:51and that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:00What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:05OK, Roisin, do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature,
05:10but nature's out to get me,
05:13and it feels...
05:13I have been, no exaggeration,
05:16locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:20It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, John.
05:26Oh, right.
05:26It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:34get a bit of attention,
05:34like, in with his nips.
05:36Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips
05:38out on Hampstead Heath,
05:38we'll all get locked in.
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath
05:43that is open for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45There's, like, little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:47You find a bush.
05:48I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now.
05:56Sorry.
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:00Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while
06:04and the problem is it's very competitive.
06:08It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:12So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here are the bin men
06:21and women of the UK who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:26against their will and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry.
06:34Not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:39So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:58I don't know what you're eating.
07:00Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:01Yeah.
07:01Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when you eat a magnum.
07:08Well, John, that four cheese pizzas could be back to haunt me.
07:14All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
07:17That's Phil, everybody.
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:25Bad, isn't it?
07:27There's a guy at limb service, he's now livid.
07:31You got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:33I didn't want to go route one.
07:35I thought outside of the box.
07:37Can we get Aurora?
07:40Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:49This is Aurora.
07:51And although it may look like I've never seen this bird before in my life,
07:56we actually went to drama school together.
07:59I'm not a great animal body language expert,
08:01but you don't seem the closest pair.
08:06Okay, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:13Maybe Aurora wants the snacks.
08:15Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:16Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:24Come on, Aurora, we've practiced this.
08:26Come on, Schnuffles.
08:27Come on, Schnuffles.
08:28She fucking hates you.
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me.
08:33So, um, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:37Off you go.
08:38Okay.
08:40Aurora.
08:41Aurora.
08:42Aurora.
08:43Roisin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Jimmy.
08:46What is your mascot?
08:47So, the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm,
08:51and what I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy Harpo.
08:54She's a little Maltese.
08:55So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:57Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:01And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:03They get done.
09:04What's it called?
09:05They get done.
09:05Snip.
09:06But a woman, snip.
09:07Spade.
09:08Spade.
09:08A scoop out.
09:14Harpo recently got...
09:15I didn't know you were medical.
09:16She recently got spade.
09:19And ever since then, ever since she got spade,
09:21she's turned into a real sex fiend.
09:26Her first sort of victim was this.
09:29Piggy.
09:30Now, I don't know if you can see,
09:31she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:33Now, it's a pig.
09:34So, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs.
09:36It's absolutely fine.
09:38This is not the worst of it.
09:39No!
09:41No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:46Yeah.
09:47I call it the pork screw.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:53My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:56My mum's indulging it,
09:58and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her
10:01while the pig humped...
10:02the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum, and that pig had a three-way.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:11Oh!
10:12She's gone up a gear.
10:13So, it escalated pretty fast.
10:15That's all sex stuff.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral,
10:21and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys
10:27of a little Maltese dog,
10:30but they bring her a lot of joy,
10:31and they really calm her down,
10:32so I brought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:37The worst bit is,
10:38I used that one for a pillow on the train.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:43Absolutely, yes.
10:44Erm, now, I've been taking health and safety
10:46in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed,
10:49I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no, erm, deflibrillator.
10:52What?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55There's no what?
10:56Deflibrillator.
10:56Hello?
10:57Mm-mm!
10:58Pfft!
11:00Deflibrillator.
11:01You're adding an extra...
11:03Deflibrillator?
11:04What is it?
11:05What am I saying wrong?
11:06You're putting an L in there.
11:07No L?
11:08No L.
11:09Look it up, Suze.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12How are we spelling it?
11:13Deflibrillator.
11:14The what?
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:19Let's be honest,
11:20no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23So let's not worry.
11:24Anyway, we ain't got one,
11:26whatever you want to call it.
11:26Right.
11:27So I was looking one up,
11:28very expensive,
11:29so I've tried to design my own.
11:31Ooh!
11:32Great idea.
11:32As a cost-effective safety measure,
11:34so I've got one.
11:35Do you want to see it?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Yeah, there we go.
11:37Bring it out, boys.
11:41There we go.
11:43Do you want me to show how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:45I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:50So this is how it would work.
11:54I hope you don't mind,
11:55I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:58So, yeah, so you basically hook it up like this.
12:03There we go.
12:04And then,
12:05it's how it works.
12:07You need to be defibrillated, eh?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear!
12:15That's it.
12:16So here we go.
12:17So you put it on,
12:18and then...
12:19Clear!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it.
12:27Anyway, so this is mine.
12:29So if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:31Rob, back at everyone with these defibrillator.
12:36There we go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45There's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:48Yeah.
12:50What fucking thing?
12:51She's coming out right in!
12:52She's coming out right in!
12:54OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
13:01Lou is six foot four.
13:03To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
13:08Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:10Hello.
13:11I'm Lou.
13:12I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:14I like it here.
13:15It rules.
13:16But there's some cultural differences.
13:18Like, you guys call a toilet a Lou.
13:21That's...
13:22But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet.
13:26Like, white and full of fucking shit.
13:30Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:31Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:33I like letters.
13:34I like literacy.
13:35But, like, if I am bad at it, it's, like, because it's, like, hereditary.
13:39Recently, I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad hab died.
13:45Followed by, Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:51And then she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking auto-carrot.
14:01And with me, of course, is Susie Denny.
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
14:12And that sentence also works if you remove the word novel.
14:19Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:22I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:26This six-seven thing, which is everywhere, that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've heard six-seven?
14:31Hmm.
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:33Yes.
14:34No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:36The derivation is either a rap song or something to do with a basketball's height, I think.
14:44But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know, how tall are you?
14:47Six-seven?
14:48Did you say six-seven instead of six-four?
14:50What time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52You're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:58So, anyway, I find this completely fascinating because not even the kids know what it means.
15:02They lose break time at my daughter's school now if they say six-seven.
15:05They lose break time.
15:06Do they?
15:07It's that endemic.
15:08Six-seven.
15:08The teacher's terrified during maths, like, if I ask a question...
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week, we've started playing this game where there's, like, numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went, you know that's what I do
15:23for a living.
15:24And she went, do you?
15:26I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road.
15:34And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:40Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like it. Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature in loads of different places.
15:48So, in seashells it appears, in flowers.
15:52And it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi, the Greek letter phi.
15:56And it also appears in beautiful faces, the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:01So, what I think happened, was when you went to your plastic surgeon, he got confused between phi face and
16:10pie face.
16:12So, when you go back, you should ask for the golden ratio next time, rather than that.
16:24OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the countdown camouflage kit.
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you. Boys, show them where you are.
16:47OK, let's count on everyone. Time for the first game.
16:49And John, Roisin, you get the first down to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:59Rachel, may I have four...
17:02Oh.
17:02A consonant.
17:05S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just, if you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just say, put nine letters up there?
17:13No.
17:13You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it, I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness.
17:18OK.
17:19Does that make you feel better?
17:20No.
17:21Another, another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I'm hiding my sadness.
17:28Look, we're out for the kids.
17:28Eat the pizza express and try and have a good day.
17:31Our neighbours is an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:35N.
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43He's a cardigan wearer.
17:45He's not.
17:46He's absolute filth.
17:46Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:56And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel.
18:02One of each.
18:03Just get them out there, I don't really care.
18:04A U.
18:06And an L.
18:07I've gone right off the countdown music.
18:09I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:22Your time starts now.
18:23No.
18:25No.
18:57CHOIR SINGS
19:07John, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:09Define having a go on.
19:12Singing or receiving?
19:15Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:22There's no noise coming out of that.
19:30Hang on, I'm going to the other end.
19:33This guy, look at this.
19:38It's like a forearm.
19:41There's no sound at all there.
19:43Come closer, Claddy's.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:48What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, if you want.
19:53Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.
19:55APPLAUSE
19:58John Hammond, Etters.
20:00Uh, seven.
20:02Seven.
20:03Roisin?
20:03Six.
20:04Rob?
20:05Five.
20:06Kyle?
20:06Seven.
20:07Ooh!
20:08Oh, man.
20:09Ooh!
20:10He came to play.
20:11Oh, yeah, for real.
20:12All right, Rob, your five.
20:14Leaps.
20:14OK, Roisin, your six.
20:16Planes.
20:17John, your seven.
20:19Weapons.
20:20Ooh!
20:21Kyle, your seven.
20:22Weapons.
20:23OK, seven points to both teams.
20:27All right, I'm excited about it.
20:29You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about.
20:32He has five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got 11 options.
20:37In the same time, I got leaps.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:42Uh, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:45What was the other seven?
20:46Appaloon.
20:47It's a beautiful word.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon,
20:52and it's the opposite of the periloon.
20:54OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones, all the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:0010 and 10.
21:01That's 20 already.
21:02One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, 847.
21:09Oh, shit.
21:09OK, and your time starts now.
21:11One, three, 25 and 50.
21:42Okay, so the target was eight four seven Roisin. Did you get it? I did no good. Do you want
21:47it?
21:47Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec. I won't be there in a minute
21:51John, did you get it? I think I got eight four eight Rob. Did you get it? I got eight
21:56hundred
21:57Kyle, did you get it? No, I've got eight forty Roche. How'd you do it? So I did
22:04Ten times
22:0775. Oh, no. Yes, um
22:13750 I've got it wrong so I've got it down as 800. I had a ten on to the 75.
22:18Oh my god. Jimmy's got one
22:21Will you get 850 and then there's a three there? I mean, yeah
22:31Ten points to me
22:33Were you good at maths at college or school?
22:37No, do you know you've had on your paws sometimes it's like you've turned off
22:42You just bring it up with your manufacturer
22:48John, how did you get what you got? 75
22:53Times 10 plus 1 plus 1 85 and then somewhere else 10 10
22:59Times 3. What are you doing? This is not your style. Oh, I don't know. It's gone
23:04Roche got it wrong. John's have nothing written down. We've got 840. Kyle, off you go
23:0975 times 10 1 plus 3 is 4 times 10
23:14Times the other 10
23:15Add those together 790 plus 50. Yep, seven away
23:23So John and Rocheen are on seven points Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12
23:32And here is your teaser the words are sentence the clue is open wide that sentence open wide see you
23:38after the break
23:54Welcome back the answer to the cheese the words were sentence the clue was open wide. It was of course
24:00Dentists so Rob and Kyle are in the lead. They've been playing in team so far, but this game is
24:05just for Rob and Rocheen
24:07So Rob your turn to choose Joe
24:09I think it's good that John has a little break from this because I think his head's completely gone. I
24:13agree
24:13He's not happy Kyle's turned up and not only see better than John at spelling and countdown. He also is
24:19cool
24:21He's in a cardigan as well. Yeah, he's that we turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one
24:27It's I think it's good to have a little break because you don't seem yourself. I
24:31Don't want to be myself. I'm gonna be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this for us. I
24:40Don't think he makes a noise of his mouth
24:43He's done you again
24:46Pick some letters. Okay, cool. Um, please can I have a you you pick
24:53a
24:59See there we go. I am a
25:05Yes, this is a great one a and the last one T and your time start
25:32It's now
25:33John could you give me a hand with this yeah
25:46Oh
25:46Tap it around the back mate
25:49Oh, yeah
25:51Does anyone want a beer? I'll have a go. Okay, more lovely. Oh
25:56Is that
25:58Normal flow for you
26:09Salty than you think the stone sink to the bottom
26:17Anyone else want a beer you need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out mate
26:25Oh
26:25They're not bending how they should
26:28I've got a cow trying to go upstairs
26:33Want to try some?
26:37Oh, John
26:50Let's bring out the beers. Yeah. Oh, wow. Roisin's on a head is there anymore just worth letting everyone know
26:56I had asparagus for lunch
26:59Thanks, John
26:59Nice
27:05Oh, Roisin, how many? I mean, I'm I'm I'm sort of nervous
27:09Okay, I've got nine
27:11Wow
27:14This is a big deal
27:15Okay
27:17Have I not got nine?
27:18You've got a really good eight
27:20Why?
27:22There isn't there is
27:24Yeah, but only the one of them
27:27Oh, John
27:29He can't even let his own teammate do well. You're a disgrace
27:34You couldn't even let her have a moment
27:36He did though. He sort of saved me
27:37Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
27:40Rob, how many have you got?
27:41I've got a seven
27:42Okay, what is your seven?
27:45Matters
27:45Roisin, your eight
27:47Mistreat
27:48I thought it was mistreats
27:50Got very excited
27:51I'm going to give you the eight
27:53I think the eight's very good
27:57Lou, Susie
27:58Could they have done any better?
28:00We had a couple of eights
28:01We had Stemia
28:02Emirates
28:03Emirates?
28:04Not as in the Arsenal ground
28:05But as in the
28:06The province of an Emir
28:07Okay, so at the end of that
28:09Rob and Kyle have 12 points
28:11John and Roisin have 15
28:15An eight
28:16An eight
28:17Really shy
28:18Really good
28:19Okay
28:19To be fair, you needed that
28:21Because John's going up against Kyle now
28:23I've got faith in my teammate
28:26He's shown consistency
28:28He's not a braggadocious player
28:29And will take us to the final
28:32Do you know what? I feel the same about mine
28:33But I'm not having to fluff him up
28:35Because his head's gone
28:37No need
28:38You've been fluffing all night
28:39It's down there rock hard
28:39It's very rare on this show
28:42That teammates refer to each other as rock hard
28:46Can I just say
28:48No
28:48I'm absolutely fine
28:50And if Kyle does well
28:51That benefits the show
28:55Hello Rachel
28:56I don't
28:57Six small please
28:58Six
29:01Do you like the numbers John?
29:03Confident with six months
29:04I don't mind the numbers
29:04I don't mind the letters
29:05I just appreciate good friends having a good time
29:07Well this is
29:08Often a tricky selection
29:10We've got five
29:11Seven
29:12Four
29:13Three
29:14Ten and nine
29:16And the target
29:18185
29:19And your time starts now
29:21One
29:22Four
29:22Five
29:23Five
29:23Five
29:24Five
29:32One
29:33Five
29:41One
29:42Two
29:42One
29:42Two
29:49We've got
29:49One
29:50One
29:50Two
29:50Two
29:50Two
29:52A smug much John? How's your boy doing?
29:58Placid now
30:00Gail did you get it? 184. Okay, John, did you get it? I think I've got it. Yeah. How did
30:06you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no less mug
30:1419 times 7 plus 3
30:18Take away that little fact
30:21of honor
30:2210 points
30:27How do you feel about it, Kyle? How do you feel about that? I would have liked to have won
30:30that one actually, yeah
30:33Yeah, it's weird because I believed him when he said it. Yeah, well, he's a good actor
30:40Well, he's not in Waterloo Road. No, he's not. Is that a compliment?
30:48Not a little blue smurf, is he? I've got four lines and three of them were
30:56Okay, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points. John and Roisin have 25
31:04Okay, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner. Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08Okay, so I had a really shitty old bed frame and so I put it on an online marketplace for
31:14free
31:15Um, and this is that story. I have turned it into a musical. You're welcome
31:21Um, and for context all you need to know is that the bed frame is up there for free
31:27This is how it began
31:29Is the bed frame still available? Yes, it is gay emoji
31:36Can I please negotiate the price? No. Why? It's free
31:42You're on a hard bargain, Lucia, but that's just not the way marketplace working
31:48I was like, all right, how about half price? Just for you, Eileen. How much now?
31:53Still free. Dance, dance, dance, dance. You are the best. Potty, potty. Here's my address.
32:01Wow, that's a long, long way from my house. Now, how about a small disc?
32:07I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer. It's free to pick up. Could you drive it to me, please?
32:13What the fuck? Please, no, please, no, please, no, please, no, I don't own a car. Why didn't you say
32:19so?
32:20I can drive. See you tomorrow. Fine.
32:25So, at this point, like, I go to bed. I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
32:28Um, and then very early the next morning, I receive this text.
32:33Lucia, I'm out the front.
32:36Sent at 5am.
32:39I said, see you at 5. Please come out and let me in.
32:45I should have known not to trust you. Axe, pickaxe, fire. I should have known you didn't care.
32:50Fire. I show up on time. Are you dead? Please.
32:57Where is bed?
33:00How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am? Knock, knock, knock.
33:05I'm like, let me in. No, it's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame. What time
33:11then?
33:11I'm like, could you come back at 8? But I'm outside. Yeah, my housemates are sleeping.
33:16Should I just not? Oh, this is getting creepy. I go back to sleep. I wake up at 8. Is
33:21she there?
33:22No, 12 hours later though. Who she is again? Lucia, I'm here again.
33:26It's 8pm. Yes, where is the bed? Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend.
33:33You're 12 hours late, Eileen. I can't get you the bed. Like, I'm at work right now.
33:37Okay, like, I'm not even home. But I came all the way back for it. Yeah, I know. No, please.
33:44Heartbreak emoji. Pumpkin emoji. Sorry, typo. Seriously, please. Where is the bed?
33:49Oh my god, that lady's back. What can you help her get the bed shot? Okay, my housemate is home.
33:54Knock on the door. Ask for Tim. 402. No, 403. Knock, knock, knock. It's 403. Knock, knock, knock.
33:59Anyone in? Angry dolphin pilot shit. This is not what I expected. I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow
34:04and the mattress.
34:05What? There is no bedding. Just talk to Tim. He'll show you what to take. Is this free?
34:08Picture of a pillow. That's not my pillow. Taking pillow. Where'd you get the pillow? Where the fuck are you?
34:13Is Eileen there? No. Shit. Fuck. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's perfect. It's exactly what I want.
34:19Bigger than I thought. And free bedding. Thank you. Five stars. Miss call, miss call, miss call, miss call, miss
34:24call, miss call.
34:25Cannot talk driving with bed. I said, Eileen, can you please pick up? Yay. I don't think you took my
34:30bed.
34:30Tim said, you never picked it up. Thank you for the bed, Lucia. Miss call. Eileen 5R. A message from
34:36my neighbour.
34:36We've just been robbed. Lock your doors. Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed. My bed's still here.
34:45You took the wrong bed from the wrong house. I did no such thing. Then she blocks me.
34:51I said, Eileen, place. Where is bed?
35:01You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you. I mean, 100%.
35:06Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available. How much do you want for it?
35:13And here is your teaser. The words are penis hat. The clue is don't be so dramatic. That's penis hat.
35:19Don't be so dramatic. See you after the break.
35:38Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were penis hat. The clue was don't be so dramatic.
35:42It was, of course, thespian. Rob and Kyle, you're 13 points behind. Yeah.
35:48So, we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help in the form of the award-winning
35:53comedian, winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Sam Nicaresti.
35:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:04Nice to be here. Sorry I'm late. I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
36:12OK, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, which is very impressive, but we're all winners here.
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field. We've got Britain's smallest man.
36:21TV's most chatty horse. And the world's most pointless mathematician.
36:26I don't know which one of us is the horse. There's three in the running.
36:35Now, have you brought a mascot? Do you know, I have brought a mascot, actually, Jimmy.
36:39Let me get it up. Here we go. How about this?
36:42Ooh. Yeah, I bought this from home.
36:45What do you reckon? Ah, nice. Have you seen this? Have you seen one of those before?
36:49Ooh. Wow. Yeah? You like that? Yeah.
36:53I like trains. I've got an affinity with trains, because much like my hero,
36:56the Siberian Railway, I am also trans. So...
37:00LAUGHTER
37:08Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of liberal future come to haunt
37:11your problematic nan at Christmas. That's the look. I don't know if anyone else here is really
37:16worried, but very hard. Very hard being trans. When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend
37:20a couple years ago, and she was really good with it, but, like, you have to be honest,
37:24it's not really clear how you come out to your girlfriend about being trans. Like,
37:28what do you do? Sit down and say, honey, huge news, you're gay. That's...
37:33LAUGHTER
37:35I mean, we're in trouble. I was tuning into the news the other day,
37:39and they were saying, ah, trans women, they better stay away from sports.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:44My pleasure. What the hell?
37:47For me, that's the entire point. Do you know, like, I would have...
37:50I would have transitioned in secondary school if I knew it came with a sick note.
37:54That's just so... LAUGHTER
37:56Big fan. But yes, my pronouns are she, they, but that's neither her nor their.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:04APPLAUSE
38:07OK. John, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
38:10Hello, Rachel. Hiya, John. Could we have a consonant, please?
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15Yes, boss.
38:17Aw! And another one, please.
38:19Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths. Jeez.
38:21Well, he's done the maths, but I still don't think he can do
38:23kaiolet's spelling, and we're going to see that play out, and I'm quite excited.
38:27A vowel, please.
38:29O.
38:31A consonant, please.
38:33And I think Sam's going to be really good as well, so you really have to try hard.
38:37A vowel, please.
38:40E. Another vowel, please, Rachel.
38:43I. And another consonant, then.
38:47C. Yeah, that's nice.
38:49Keep your vibes up.
38:50And, oh, I love a consonant, please, in this game I love with my friends.
38:56N.
38:57And then another consonant, please, old friend.
39:02And my old mate.
39:04R. OK, all right, your time starts now.
39:06R. OK, all right.
39:37Rob how many you got I've got five you got five Kyle how many seven seven okay rushing
39:45five okay Sam how many I think I might have a nine I think John I also have a nine
39:55what is your five my five is rinse rinse Rob your five gonna oh gonna
40:04they're a goner that is a word rinse unfortunately have an s
40:12Rochene's a goner what's your seven the cringer cringer oh no yes
40:29the money hadn't hit your account yet
40:39okay so John Sam I'd like you to say your nine-letter word on the count of three all right
40:44you ready one two three cornering okay here is your final teaser the words are scene fart the clue is
40:58seal that up that's scene fart seal that up see you after the break
41:18welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were scene fart the clue was seal that up it was
41:22of
41:22course fastener okay time for our final letters game at Sam your turn to choose oh my okay um
41:30please may I have a consonant you may indeed and T oh yes and then two vowels a you consonant
41:41please
41:41D okay I think a vowel good choice I thank you um well now the pressure's on to make a
41:50good choice again consonant right
41:52S no I'm not happy with that oh no um consonant M a vowel I've got another A
42:01uh and then a consonant and a last one ah cool I might have a crack on this because I
42:07find the game boring okay your time starts now
42:19oh
42:20oh
42:58I
43:00Rob how many six
43:02Kyle seven seven six
43:06Russian five
43:09Okay, John seven
43:16How are you spelling that incorrectly? How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:30My my my towel yeah
43:34So you wrote a you and you couldn't be asked to finish it
43:37So it was an hour it's not it's just a sort of half finish
43:39Look the word was causing me the most so I gave up at the end of thought this isn't a
43:42word
43:43So I bailed out on the you but now it seems like it is a word. Am I right? Check
43:47your account?
43:56Rudest rudest yeah, yeah, that feels more on
43:57How are you spelling rudest?
44:00Nudest with an R
44:01Ah
44:02Okay, she don't look happy
44:04I can't believe this is in
44:06Oh, well, I'll tell you what, shove it
44:09Because it is in
44:10Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no
44:13It's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk
44:16Absolutely
44:17I just thought it was someone that was the rudest
44:21I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic Jimmy
44:28Sam, you're six
44:29Autism
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium
44:31John, you're seven
44:32I've got mustard
44:33What's the other word?
44:35Marauds
44:36Oh, you should have gone with that one
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that
44:39Oh, right
44:39It's never stopped rushing
44:43Okay, seven points to both teams
44:49Okay, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens
44:53More sevens
44:53We have marauds and traumas and samurai
44:56Ooh
44:57These are so good
44:58Birds
44:59Okay, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points
45:02John and Roisin have 50
45:04Oh
45:06Well done, neighbour
45:08Okay, fingers on buzzers
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum
45:12Your time starts now
45:36Oh, Sam
45:38Uh, is it staunched?
45:42Is that even a word?
45:43Let's see if Sam is right
45:49So, the final scores are
45:56Rob and Kyle and Sam have 47 points
45:59But our winners, John and Roisin
46:01Uh, with 50
46:02Congratulations
46:03You are now the proud owner of this
46:05The Countdown Camouflage Fit
46:12Thanks to all our panelists
46:13Our wonderful studio audience
46:14And to all of you for watching your own
46:15That's it from us
46:16Goodnight
46:16Thank you
46:16Thanks
46:19Thank you
46:30Thank you
46:36Thank you
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