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Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 12: Lower G.I. Joe
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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Krusty is a family guy
00:17Lucky is a man who lies with his hand
00:20All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:24He's a family guy!
00:35My apologies, Mr. Griffin
00:37Dr. Hartman is still with a patient
00:38And definitely not playing rock band
00:40Through the paper-thin walls of his office right now
00:43Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess
00:49Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug!
00:51Oh, you dope!
00:54Sorry, I was with a very sick patient
00:56You're still wearing the guitar
00:58Oops, my bad
00:59Let's, uh, keep that off the Yelp, huh?
01:02So, you're here for a physical
01:03I'll start with a few questions
01:04How many drinks would you say you have per week?
01:07Four?
01:07Oh!
01:08Hundred?
01:08Oh!
01:09Fifty!
01:09Okay, you need to talk faster
01:11Now, I'm going to show you a list of the top ten songs on Spotify
01:14Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize
01:17None!
01:18Oh, wait! Oh, no, I know her!
01:19Uh, uh, do, uh, do, uh, duolingo!
01:22Not sure we can accept that
01:23Let's go to the Gen Z judge who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media
01:28Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?
01:32Well, he's busy being sad about almonds
01:34However, I can say that given your age and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge
01:39It's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy
01:42What the hell is that?
01:43Here's a video of a plumber from Southie describing the whole thing
01:46So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose
01:49Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't
01:50It's a real medical procedure
01:52It's not gay
01:53You ever had one?
01:54Nah, what am I, gay?
02:00What's all that stuff?
02:01Oh, just some forms
02:02We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter and I need mom to chaperone
02:06You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter and you're not asking me?
02:10Why?
02:10So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?
02:13I wouldn't do that
02:15Yeah?
02:15Then why is your tail wagging?
02:17Damn
02:18Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there who've given up by telling them
02:23my story
02:23A story of inspiration
02:25A story of will
02:26A story of triumph
02:28You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker
02:31A story of doing hand stuff for drugs
02:38I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now
02:41Yep, my barber said I'm overdue for mine
02:44You mean your doctor?
02:45Nope, barber
02:46Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice from their doctors
02:51We're all just one guy off
02:53Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away to
02:59die a costly and unnecessary death?
03:01You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because deep down we're scared
03:05And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of
03:08All right, I'll go first
03:09I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener
03:14That's what I'm scared of too
03:15What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?
03:19Like, what if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could be there to support
03:23one another?
03:24That would make it easier
03:26I'd do it
03:27I'd be into that
03:28Great, Cleveland?
03:29Yeah, Devante said it's cool
03:31I'm assuming Devante is your...
03:32Devante is my barber, yes
03:37Hi kids, I'm Sophie
03:39Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one
03:45So let's meet some...
03:46Hi Sophie, Brian Griffin, dog who's also pretty much a guy
03:49I'll take it from here
03:50Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin
03:53And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours
03:56Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
04:01Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is making you all look in
04:06those commercials, there is hope, and I am living proof of that
04:09Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that was
04:13Wait, they have cats here? Oh, I will not be around cats!
04:16It's an animal shelter, they've got everything
04:18They even have Diddy's pit bull
04:20Just let me outside, I'll play in the yard
04:22I won't look, I won't tell nobody nothing
04:28Come on, Brian, even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute
04:31Now, cats are terrible, selfish creatures
04:34I mean, who poops inside?
04:37Meow
04:37Oh my god, get it off, get it off, get it off
04:42Huh, I guess that is kinda cute
04:48You know, maybe I was wrong about cats
04:50Okay, kids, it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders
04:54Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home
04:58Come on, Brian, we gotta go
05:00All right, let me just take this guy off my
05:08What are you doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now!
05:14What happened? I blacked out
05:15You killed a kitten, you monster!
05:18I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here
05:20And we're going to be in so much trouble
05:22All right, listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here
05:24Okay, let me think
05:25Well, there's gotta be a dumpster out back, we could just put it in there
05:28I don't think we have another choice
05:30You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil and wake up back at home
05:34I thought you said you were gonna keep your mouth shut
05:40Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning
05:43So I'm gonna go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails
05:46I made a killer diarrhea playlist
05:49Boy, you guys are gonna lose it when we're five hours in and Natalie Imbruglia's Torn comes on
05:54You got Diana Ross's I'm coming out on there?
05:57This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?
06:00Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails
06:04Joe, here's your bum and coke
06:06Peter, you get a pina colonata
06:08And Cleveland gets a gin and deuce
06:10Laid back
06:11And I made myself a coiler maker
06:13Bottoms up!
06:15And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down
06:23Oh my god
06:24Now I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms
06:28Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath
06:30So there's not even a tub?
06:32I call the shower
06:33Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?
06:35I don't have time to argue with you, I'll be in the shower
06:37I'll call the toilet
06:37I'm bagged and ready to go 24-7
06:40Fine, I'll figure it out
06:41Whose blue luggage is this?
06:44Peter, no, that's my away brand luggage
06:46I get compliments on that
06:53You guys look high as balls
06:54Anyway, time for your results
06:56Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear
06:59Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large
07:02Was it my penis?
07:03It was definitely not your penis
07:06Although your butt is gigantic
07:07What we found was this
07:11Oh my god, my childhood G.I. Joe!
07:15That was inside his colon?
07:17Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind
07:20Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars
07:24He was kind of like the scout
07:25Did you happen to see anything like that?
07:27Oh, never mind
07:28I think they just came out of the mess hall
07:35Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?
07:37I was a kid
07:38If you squish anything into wonder bread, it goes down soft
07:42You ate a G.I. Joe?
07:44Oh, are we gonna play this game, Quagmire?
07:46Are we gonna play the
07:46How did objects get inside of you game?
07:49Withdrawn
07:49Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars
07:55And it says it's worth $100,000
07:57What?
07:58Wow
07:58Let me see that
08:02Holy crap, it does say that
08:04Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three?
08:07What am I listed as in your phone?
08:09Withdrawn
08:14Still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten
08:16You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?
08:19There was one water bowl for forty dogs
08:21I don't think they have money for cameras
08:22Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine
08:25Yes, as long as I don't talk, we'll be fine
08:27What's that supposed to mean?
08:28I'm just saying my silence comes at a price
08:30And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu
08:34What? That's the most expensive Soho House?
08:37Fine, then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week
08:40And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadid's
08:42I will get you a sticker book of Bluey
08:45You, sir, have my silence
08:51Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings we're all eating?
08:56Sorry
08:56So, what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from selling this thing?
09:00What do you mean? We're splitting it
09:02Yeah, we each get a share of that
09:03I never said I'd split it
09:04He was inside me
09:06I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term
09:09You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us
09:11I'm not giving you guys my money
09:13We can't let him get away with this
09:15I agree with white number two
09:21Hey, check it out
09:22Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now
09:25Howdy TikTok
09:26I'm Mayor Wild West
09:28Here today with a hat over my heart press conference
09:31See, my sweet feline companion, Meowr West, has gone missing
09:38I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility
09:43But when I went to pick him up, he was gone
09:45Possibly kidnapped
09:46Well, when I find out who took him
09:49I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law
09:53Thank you, TikTok
09:54Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling
10:01So, AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked
10:16Oh, my God! I killed Mayor Wild West's cat!
10:20Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. You've got to get out of town
10:23Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice
10:26Here, you take it
10:28What's this?
10:29That's a European adapter for my Corn Air hair dryer
10:32I think you're gonna need that
10:34Four pairs of boots?
10:36I don't know who's gonna see me twice
10:43You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of your friendship with
10:48the guys, Peter
10:49So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as you
10:53Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch
10:55I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys
10:59And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks?
11:0250 bucks? Lois, this thing's worth $100,000
11:05Wow, Dad's right. I just Googled it
11:08What? Let me see that
11:10Oh, my God, Peter! We're gonna be rich!
11:13Okay, forget everything I just said, screw those guys, your butt stuff belongs to us
11:18I'll get it
11:20Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
11:22Yeah
11:22You've been served
11:25Those bastards are actually suing me for their share of the GI Joe
11:29Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?
11:31Yes
11:31I'm here to serve you
11:33Wait, I just served him
11:34Get out of here, you're lying
11:36No, I swear to God, sir, what did I just do?
11:38He served me
11:39Hey, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?
11:43I am
11:43Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little gene smoke?
11:48Love to
11:50I guess it's true what they say, every pot has a lid
11:54Boy, they fogged up that Ultima real quick
12:01Mom, what's going on?
12:03Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court
12:06Yeah, I read that letter, they're taking him to arbitration, not court
12:10What? Really?
12:11Yeah, and if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services
12:15I've spent months studying anal salvage law
12:18You... you has?
12:19It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kinda fell down an internet rabbit hole
12:25But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago
12:27Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
12:35Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time
12:37Alright, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian
12:40So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside
12:44So I'll distract her here at the front door
12:46You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat
12:49I don't know, me in another room full of cats seems risky
12:52Oh, that's the risky part?
12:54Not the high-wire improvisational act I'm about to pull off with the librarian
12:57No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?
12:59Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theatre's house team, Brian?
13:03We had to kick Brad off, by the way
13:05He did the Chinese voice on stage again
13:07Ugh, whatever
13:08Just want this whole thing to be over already
13:12Hello, I'm an online dating expert
13:14And I'm giving one lucky person a free Bumble profile makeover
13:18May I ask how your dating life is going?
13:20Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work
13:25I work in a library
13:31No, yeah, I'm aware
13:32Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?
13:34Oh, sure
13:35Let me just log in
13:46Alright, here you go
13:48Alright, we'll start with your photos
13:50We'll lose this one of you pointing at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's
13:54We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed
13:57Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard
14:05Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent
14:07I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work
14:10Let me see if I...
14:11And knee dimples be gone
14:19Oh!
14:20A match!
14:21What?
14:22Let me see that
14:23A Jewish urologist?
14:25Oh, I love that for you
14:26Let's look at his profile
14:29Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus
14:32On a public bus
14:33Let's, um...
14:35Let's keep looking here
14:39And I quote
14:40We are all in this together no matter what
14:42That!
14:43Is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, your honor
14:48Thank you, Mr. Baker
14:49Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin
14:54Who prepared for this by binge-watching Suits
14:56And then Googling Meghan Markle
14:58And then Googling Meghan Markle Deepfix
15:01Thank you, your boner
15:03If I may direct your attention to Exhibits B through M
15:07All items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours
15:11Do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra key fob?
15:17Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?
15:23I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists
15:30Poop swoopers, as it were
15:32I've heard more than enough
15:34Case, over
15:35Over?
15:36Who won?
15:37I don't know, him?
15:38In your face!
15:40You gotta be kidding me!
15:41Yeah, that's not fair
15:42Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby
15:47Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House
15:50And we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe
15:53Wow! The Christie's Auction House?
15:56No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House
16:00We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys
16:04We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to
16:07Get there early though
16:09We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader
16:13Oh, James Spader is so handsome
16:16Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s he very much was
16:26All right, Stewie, this is it
16:28We open the cage, let the new Meowr West in, and we're out of here
16:32Ah, dammit!
16:40Oh, Mayor West, good news, I think we found your missing cat
16:44It, it may have had a heart attack from the excitement of this reunion
16:47Well, I only have one question
16:50If that's my cat, who's sitting over there on my couch?
16:55Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is
16:57Go bag!
17:00I don't understand, but how-
17:02A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him in the dumpster left for dead
17:06Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there
17:10I'm so sorry, Mayor West, I acted on instinct
17:12I'm just glad he's not dead
17:14I teach all my cats to play possum
17:16And I teach all my possums to play horse
17:19And I teach all my horses to play cat
17:21Circle of life
17:23Meow, meow
17:24Did you teach that one too?
17:26He may have seen my online course, I don't know
17:28Now, for your punishment
17:30Oh no, I hate measured consequences to my actions
17:33Six bad boys with very bad boys sprinkled in to taste
17:38Six? That's a death sentence
17:40Bad boy
17:41Ow!
17:41Bad boy
17:42I can't breathe
17:43Very bad boy
17:44That's worse!
17:45Bad boy
17:46I'm low to the ground
17:47Bad boy
17:47I can't get any lower
17:49Very bad boy
17:50Oh, the shame!
17:58$800
17:59$800
17:59Do I hear $900
18:00For the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?
18:03Going once
18:04Going twice
18:05Sold
18:06For $800 to Kevin Smith
18:08Who used to be fat
18:09And now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell
18:14Next on the auction block
18:15A vintage scout G.I. Joe with binoculars
18:18Removed from the colon of Peter Griffin
18:24This is it, Peter
18:25Yeah, we're gonna be rich
18:27We'll start the bidding at $75,000
18:30Seventy-five
18:31Seventy-five
18:31Do I hear eighty?
18:33Eighty
18:33It's happening, Peter
18:34Eighty thousand
18:36We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food program
18:46Ninety thousand
18:47Ninety
18:48Do I hear a hundred?
18:49A hundred thousand
18:51Woo!
18:55Nothing's fine, I'm tall
18:57I'm all out of faith
18:59This is how I feel
19:02I'm cold and I am shamed
19:04Lying naked on the floor
19:08$100,000 going once
19:10Going twice
19:11Stop the auction!
19:13Peter, what the hell are you doing?
19:19What is he doing?
19:20Saving three friendships
19:22My name is Peter Griffin and I've realized that no amount of money is worth more than great friendships
19:28I guess what I'm saying is life isn't about the contents of your butt
19:32It's about the contents of your heart
19:35I love you guys
19:44I'm sorry, Lois
19:45I'm sorry, Lois
19:46No, I'm the one who's sorry
19:47No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have
19:51Although you could have just taken the money and split it four ways
19:54But you made the right decision, Peter
19:56And I'm proud of you
20:00But this story had an even happier ending
20:02Because thirty-nine years later
20:04The guys were all dead
20:06And I pooped that Joe out again
20:08And I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College
20:12Lois gave me a hall pass
20:14But I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman touched my slacks
20:22I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter
20:25We won't make the same mistake next time
20:27Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years
20:30Maybe we should book that same cabin
20:32Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible
20:34The guy was pretty mad
20:35Made me send my own cleaning lady
20:41Oh, no, no, no, no
20:49I sn этом all good
20:51No don't
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