- 6 hours ago
Bait - Season 1 - Episode 01: Blatant, Not Subtle
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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:52Transcription by CastingWords
01:11Transcription by CastingWords
01:30Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:38Do you even know who you are?
01:50Line?
01:51Cut!
01:52Sorry.
01:52Sorry.
01:56Sorry, Helen.
01:58It's all good. It's all good. It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
02:03Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Quick reset back to once. I'll nail it this time.
02:05How are you blowing this audition?
02:08I know the speech. I know it. My call.
02:11You fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:15What is this, a prank showing? Wearing a hidden camera.
02:18It's funny. No, I just have a very particular process. I've got my head around it now. I'm ready.
02:23Sorry, guys. We have to...
02:24Yeah, well, just a minute. Sorry. How was your weekend?
02:27It was good, thanks. How was yours?
02:28Great.
02:28Yeah, what did you do?
02:30Just... Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Jim.
02:32Don't rush.
02:32My second... Stop it.
02:34Sorry.
02:35You know what?
02:37They didn't want to see you.
02:39I had to convince them.
02:40So this is on me.
02:41I've got a confession to make.
02:43I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:46It's the holy Muslim month.
02:49It's called Ramadan.
02:52This involves no eating and drinking.
02:54In the day, I'm lightheaded from...
02:56If I could have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:58Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
03:01Six takes in a row.
03:03I tried.
03:04It's just a shame you didn't.
03:08Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
03:10We'll be in touch.
03:21You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work,
03:24fighting everybody and being nobody?
03:28Woody, I don't live with myself.
03:32I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:35The blood of my hands is mine.
03:38Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:42if I don't know who I am.
03:44Because you don't want to.
03:49You knew it.
03:51You knew it!
03:53What's wrong with you?
03:56Do you know who you are?
03:57I'll tell you who you are.
04:00You're a fucking failure.
04:01Who just shat on your last chance
04:04of being somebody.
04:06You should be ashamed of yourself.
04:08You are ashamed of yourself.
04:09Because you're ashamed of your family.
04:11You're fucking nobody.
04:12You're nothing.
04:13You're just a fucking...
04:14Dumb fucking baggy.
04:26Um...
04:27Come in.
04:31Um...
04:31I, uh...
04:32Forgot to grab your mic.
04:37Sure.
04:37You look...
04:47Oh...
04:52They're not here.
04:55Sorry.
04:58You'rekę.
05:00They're not here.
05:01Oh.
05:01I'm sorry.
05:03I'm sorry.
05:04I'm sorry.
05:04I'm sorry.
05:19And just so you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you
05:23on the side.
05:25Oh, go, yeah.
05:26The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:33Sorry, you know what, I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:37Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:38I'll go and grab it.
05:38Another way.
05:39Are you sure?
05:39Thank you though.
05:40Thanks a lot.
05:41Okay.
05:56You alright?
06:07Okay.
06:09Okay.
06:24Okay.
06:41Hey.
06:42What?
06:42Dude.
06:43What?
06:44I know you.
06:45Mate.
06:46I'm a huge fan.
06:47See, you're talented.
06:49No, no, I'm not.
06:50Yes, you are.
06:51You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:53Thank you, mate.
06:54Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:56She's like obsessed with you.
06:57Really?
06:57Yeah, yeah.
06:58Babe, check it out.
07:00Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
07:02Deb fucking Patel.
07:04What?
07:05Deb Patel just walking down the street.
07:08Say something about Slumdog.
07:09She loves Slumdog.
07:14It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
07:18It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
07:20I loved that film.
07:21I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
07:25He's not Deb Patel.
07:27What?
07:28He's not Deb Patel.
07:30Look how short he is.
07:32Dave is tall, strong, handsome.
07:35Our Gujarati hero.
07:38Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:39Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:41Who?
07:42Shah's a... Shah's a...
07:44Shah Latif, Shah.
07:46That's me.
07:50Can we go, please?
07:51No problem, sir.
07:56As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Latif, sir.
07:58I hope you are enjoying your MOBA experience
08:00and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
08:04I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
08:07Sir, just one thing.
08:08Where are you from?
08:09Because you are looking like the packy
08:11but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
08:13I don't think it's a jihad, but it's a sphincter.
08:16Sphincter?
08:17Oh, that's a bar.
08:18You like sphincter.
08:19He just came to me like that.
08:20Sphincter?
08:20Thanks for picking me up, bro.
08:22Come on, man.
08:22I appreciate it.
08:23Watch my posture, please.
08:24You ass off my shoulder.
08:26Oh, you fucking love it.
08:26Hey, listen.
08:27Did you bring the watch, yeah?
08:28Yeah, I couldn't find it.
08:29You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
08:31I didn't look.
08:31I'll be busy, okay?
08:32What do you want me to see?
08:33Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:36What the fuck is this doing here?
08:38I was gonna tell you, innit?
08:39But, like, basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:41And there's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:43It's weird.
08:43It's not a doll, bro.
08:44It's a limited-edition collectible action figure
08:46of me from my film.
08:48You gotta ask me before you use my likeness.
08:50You need to chew your tits.
08:51First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:53And second of all, you got a hundred of these mini dildos lying around in the garage.
08:56It's not a dildo.
08:57You look like a dildo to me.
08:58And I need them for my fleet, anyway.
08:59Fleet?
09:00Alright.
09:01Well, you and six guys, yeah?
09:02It's 26, actually.
09:04Fuck off.
09:05Yes.
09:05Things have been going very well.
09:07Got some serious investors interested.
09:09Hmm.
09:10Hmm.
09:11What?
09:12Say, mashallah.
09:13Mashallah.
09:14Well, if you're gonna say it, say it properly.
09:15Mashallah.
09:16There you go.
09:17Right.
09:17Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
09:20Uber in London's already Muslim.
09:22Right?
09:22Every next driver's named Abdi.
09:24Listen to me.
09:25We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
09:27And I want us to own this thing.
09:28Okay.
09:29Yeah?
09:29And if you're strapped for Persa right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
09:33I don't mind.
09:34Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:35Is it?
09:35Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:36I got stuff cooking.
09:38Where you got cooking?
09:39I can't tell you.
09:40It's top secret.
09:41I signed an NDA.
09:41You ain't signed no NDA.
09:43I did.
09:43Non-disclosure agreement.
09:45I signed it.
09:45I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:47You ain't got shit, girl.
09:47You missed the timing for mine.
09:49Yeah, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:51What?
09:51Yes.
09:52No.
09:53What do you mean, no?
09:54I mean, no.
09:55Yes, we are, bro.
09:56Okay?
09:56You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:58She's gonna be gassed to see you.
09:59Bro, I'm not in a mood.
10:01Yeah?
10:01Can you turn it round?
10:01I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
10:03If you're getting free rides, you're gonna make the stops.
10:07NDA.
10:24Come.
10:25Yeah.
10:26I'll come in a minute.
10:28Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
10:31Okay.
10:31One minute.
10:32I'm coming.
10:39I'm coming.
10:39I'm coming.
10:40I'm coming.
10:42I'm coming.
10:42I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:44Yeah.
10:45Okay.
10:46I need my silverware set today.
10:48No, no.
10:48I need a silverware set.
10:49No, no.
10:50But it will look good, right?
10:51Yes.
10:51Yes.
10:52Yes.
10:52Yes.
10:52I'm a woman.
10:53Hello, my aunt.
10:55Hello, my aunt.
10:57Hello, my aunt.
10:57Look at you.
10:58You're all grown up.
10:59Such a strong boy.
11:01MashaAllah.
11:02Good luck.
11:02Good luck.
11:07Good luck.
11:08Good luck.
11:10Good luck.
11:10Good luck.
11:11I'll come.
11:11I'll come.
11:11I'll come.
11:11No, I'll come.
11:12No, she'll die.
11:12You'll come.
11:12You'll come to my house.
11:13Good luck.
11:14Two months, bro.
11:16Yes.
11:16Couple of weeks?
11:17I can't.
11:18I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
11:21Yo, dying, Tim, but not keeping your rosy, yeah?
11:23Oy, oy, oy, toba, toba.
11:25Oh, I've seen my tone.
11:26You should fast all year.
11:28You know what's going on here?
11:30My mind has come up so many days.
11:32He got a car in Dubai.
11:35He got a car in Dubai.
11:36I got a botox.
11:38I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:43No, maybe you're so dirty.
11:44No, no, don't worry about it.
11:46Come on, teacher.
11:48I've seen some Google alerts in Google, right?
11:52Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:53I just don't want to talk about it.
11:56Don't talk about it, OK?
11:58Just tell me.
12:01Well, I am...
12:05Just to do it.
12:06Just pray.
12:07Do it for you?
12:07I pray for you all the time.
12:10I pray for you all the time.
12:11I pray for you all the time.
12:13Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
12:15It's got my name written on it in gold.
12:17Where are you from?
12:18I watch TV, I don't see.
12:20Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
12:21It takes time to make a film.
12:22But you don't have time.
12:24It's all the time.
12:26It's all the time.
12:27That was one scene in one film.
12:28You've been pervert on this newsreader all day.
12:30I don't know.
12:33Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
12:36They're expensive.
12:37I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
12:40All the money you give,
12:41we'll take some money.
12:42Oi, cousin!
12:44Oh, shit!
12:45What are you saying?
12:46No, man.
12:46Home bless.
12:48What's this?
12:48What's what?
12:49You're forgetting to take out your tags.
12:50Oh.
12:51Bro!
12:52Is that you, yeah?
12:54Give me that.
12:54Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:56Give me that.
12:57Why are you at home?
12:59Quit my job, man.
13:00Manager was a dickhead.
13:01Hey!
13:02Don't say that.
13:02Rafiq bhai is very nice.
13:03He was a weirdo.
13:05If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
13:07I told you.
13:07No, no, no, listen.
13:08If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
13:10Is he playing tonight?
13:12Yeah, why?
13:14I told you you can't work for me.
13:15Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
13:1750% of my business.
13:19Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
13:21No, not really.
13:24Oh, my God.
13:27You're going to be the next James Bond.
13:30What?
13:32Eh?
13:33What's that?
13:33Wait, wait, wait, wait.
13:34It might be cut.
13:34It might be cut.
13:35Can I believe that?
13:36Oh, shit.
13:37No, no, no, no.
13:37It's legit.
13:38What the fuck?
13:39Oh, my God.
13:39This is crazy.
13:41This is crazy.
13:43Wait, wait, wait, wait.
13:44Chill, man.
13:45Check the website.
13:45It's BBC.
13:46We can't trust you.
13:47Why didn't you tell me?
13:49He's making fun.
13:50It's just an audition.
13:51Man, imagine this whole time.
13:53Super James Bond, my brother.
13:54Listen.
13:55It's an audition.
13:55It's a photo from today's audition.
13:56That's all.
13:57What's wrong, brother?
13:58James Bond is white.
14:00Stop.
14:01Stop.
14:01Stop.
14:03Stop.
14:03Stop.
14:04Stop.
14:04Stop.
14:05Stop.
14:06Stop.
14:07Stop.
14:07Stop.
14:08Stop.
14:15Stop.
14:19Stop.
14:24Stop.
14:38Stop.
14:41Stop.
14:43I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, I just gotta sort this out and
14:48work it out
15:12for you. Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please? I'm just wondering if the, you know,
15:19audition, news leak thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me. Thank you.
15:57Yeah. Yeah. Where have you been? Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed. What the fuck you think?
16:03Listen, did you call the pap? I'm not that clever. What are they saying? Are they pissed?
16:09Well, they are very surprised. Fuck. About how much you're trending. Right?
16:15And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance of audition. Fuck! Yes! Oh!
16:22You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s and you know that demographic
16:26gets them wet. Oh, my God. So, listen, sit tight and let this play out. Oh, my God.
16:34Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool. Thank you. God bless the internet.
16:38Okay. Yeah. So, just one thing. We can't just see how this plays out. We've got to do everything
16:44we can to get me back in there. Sha, I just told you it's good you're trending. Look, and I'm
16:51just
16:51thinking, maybe I should delete all the old music, just the really political bits. What do you think?
16:56As your agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act. Listen, there's videos
17:02of me online fucking pissing on the British flag. It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
17:08That makes you the edgy POC candidate. Yes, fresh blood. So, new fans for the great old institution.
17:13Listen, don't find the thing that got you here, you know? Huh. Okay, okay. So, what were you saying?
17:18Maybe I should lean into it? Or... Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
17:24I could maybe do a little thing there. There's nothing to lean into. You just are.
17:28Listen, just don't do anything and stay home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
18:02Let's go.
18:12Oh, shit. Hey. What are you doing here? Me? What are you doing here?
18:20You're everywhere today. Pretty cool, isn't it?
18:35What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Look who's back on the street!
18:46Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. Brickshaw! What's that, bro?
18:49This shit blew up, huh? Yeah ain't putting it work in. What's going on here, bro? You killed it, man.
18:53What are you saying, bro? Yes, girl. What are you doing here, bro? What are you saying, man?
18:56Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now? What? No, it's not Gotham.
19:00Oh, don't you know to the new Batman. It's not bad man. It's James Bond
19:04I've got easy with the Hollywood big man shit. This is just an audition. You know what we need to
19:09take a big shot for that club
19:13Same man. It's good to see you. I'm just thinking
19:16What forget it forget it. It's cool, man. I'm not fair. No, I'm just gone. I just had a mad
19:21thought like wouldn't it be sick if I
19:24um
19:24If I warmed up for you tonight
19:26Because I think the crowd would love it be like a reunion be like old times bro and like how
19:31dare you, bro
19:32You know nothing you just you come back you act like you fucking own this place walking through here
19:37Or like look at me. Look at me. Bravo. I didn't I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean
19:46You're a dickhead
19:48I can't knock the hustle man. Yo, maybe
19:50Uh, yeah, I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd like um, you know like the old days
19:55Well, I'll meet you on stage with a mic. Watch out, man
19:57Uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now. Just don't pay attention to
20:02it, right? It's all bullshit
20:06London, are you ready for a taste?
20:40London, special guest MC in the building MC
20:45Let's go!
20:47I love you.
21:17so that we can go on the right path.
21:19We have fallen.
21:22We forgive everyone, my lord.
21:27Yes, this is the cause of the night.
21:29Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah.
21:47Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah.
21:54R. Salami.
21:57Fuck.
21:58Fuck.
22:00Yeah.
22:01007.
22:36Welcome to my little podcast.
22:38It's an honor to be here.
22:39Word on the web is you could be playing Bond.
22:43Yeah.
22:44Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
22:45I can't guarantee you.
22:46My callback is in a few days.
22:49Mansour!
22:51I know you're probably getting a little hate, too.
22:54Not really.
22:57You pushed him into this.
22:59The pressure.
23:02You don't stand a chance.
23:06What do you want, Sha?
23:08Material stuff doesn't really matter to me.
23:10I'm an artist.
23:12No, that failed in my days.
23:22No, that failed in my days.
23:26Oh, that failed in my days.
23:30No, that failed in my days.
23:34Why are you talking to me?
23:37No, that failed in my days.
23:38What do you want?
23:38Because I have reached me.
23:38It's an honor to be here.
23:38The fear.
23:39Who do you want?
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