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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S29E03 - 30January 2026 [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. GK!
00:14So, go wild and crazy for Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:31APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40All right, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls, everyone's always coming for my girls.
02:00Girls, your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked. I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you're all...
03:02Oh, if you're all up for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:10I think it would be some.
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13And joining Rob tonight is Myles Jupp.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:20Myles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jupp.
03:35Gosh, well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast,
03:46where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run,
03:50usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Then it's elevenses.
03:54Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden,
03:57maybe going to town, do some shopping,
03:58butchers, veg shop,
04:00come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings
04:03to set me up for lunch.
04:04Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then,
04:09and then that's...
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11Wow.
04:13That was clearly filthful.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah, my pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13What it's...
05:14How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people go,
05:34Oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what?
05:35Because I've got a fupa
05:36and I haven't seen my fanny for years.
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40Cos you've got your what?
05:42They only say it to big girls.
05:43Cos you've got your what?
05:44A fupa, a fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippy nose.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you...
06:09Have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at
06:14and, er...
06:15Not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:16For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called
06:21Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:25Er...
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26Yes.
06:26You must know...
06:27Your agent sent it to me very kindly
06:29and, really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give me a bit of feedback.
06:33Erm...
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:50Er...
06:51Er...
06:52Only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er...
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er...
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So, this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:15Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Er...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er...
07:30You've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39It's got 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:42But, look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Myles Young, everyone.
07:51Er...
07:52John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:57and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Er...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:52LAUGHTER
08:52Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Er...
08:56That's in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:59Woo...
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:15Wow, you see?
09:16Yeah.
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...?
09:18One by the mate let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on.
09:46Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:46Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:51Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:54Yeah.
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05I'm slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11It's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13Oh, he's over.
10:14Oh, blimey.
10:15Oh, wow.
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:32Whatever.
10:38Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
10:59What have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So I've got this one.
11:10Gosh.
11:10This is the first one I did, because it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:19So, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on, which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:44Yeah.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really, I think.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:50Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:59Over in dictionary corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:04It's your first time on the show.
12:06We're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16because Wang, Kiara is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20Nice.
13:25But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on,
13:37and come up with...
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles.
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:48You very gratefully came on the show.
13:50You came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:07Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:12Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:17Yeah, roll back it.
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:46OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57M.
14:58Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:13C.
15:13Three of each?
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23A.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36T.
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that...
15:51Frabian.
15:54Thanks.
15:57Mark your thing.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Susie, mate.
16:09I'm worried about him falling into sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:22Ha ha ha.
16:25Ha ha ha.
16:26Ha ha ha.
16:28Come on.
16:31More.
16:33Why is he getting it so cute?
16:35Um, Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:38E.
16:39I've got, er, seven.
16:41Um, I've got, er, seven.
16:42Seven. Impressive. John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie? No.
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Oh, come on, John. Susie, I haven't got it. It's not in there, is it?
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy? Five.
16:54OK, what's your five?
16:55Plate.
16:56Rob, your five?
16:57Petal.
16:59Petal?
16:59Oh, I've got terrible fucking colic.
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08They are climate and polemic.
17:12Wow.
17:12Very good.
17:14Private and polemic.
17:15So, what's this nine?
17:16Yeah.
17:18That was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of miles.
17:22Maybe write down his name.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have compilate,
17:31as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame. Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roshi and Chiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Erm...
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh.
18:01Poetical.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:32Erm...
18:33Come on, John.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:35Come on, John.
18:37Come on, John.
18:45Come on.
19:05So, the target was 3.59.
19:07Julie Love, did you get it?
19:08Hold on, I got 3.42.
19:10Well, that is worth no points.
19:12I know, but...
19:14Give me some credit for how...
19:15Sorry to speak.
19:17I know, but give me some...
19:18I can't expect you to not eat while we record it to you.
19:233.42.
19:24Miles, did you get it?
19:25I got 3.57.
19:27OK.
19:27Er, Rob?
19:28I did.
19:29What?
19:30I think I did.
19:31OK.
19:31John, did you get it?
19:32Er, I got 3.58.
19:34Right.
19:35Rob, it's all on you.
19:356 times 75.
19:38450.
19:39Minus 100.
19:40350.
19:41Plus the 9.
19:4210 points.
19:42Well done.
19:43Yes!
19:43Well done, mate.
19:45Yes!
19:48Very good.
19:49Can we just say, I've got 3.42.
19:51Can we talk about that?
19:52We've done that.
19:53No!
19:53We've talked about that.
19:54We all decided as a group it was irrelevant.
19:57No.
19:59So, Rob and Miles have 17.
20:01Er, John and Judy have 7.
20:05It's time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
20:07Roisin and Kiara.
20:08What have you got for us?
20:09Oh, wow.
20:10Got a pretty good vibe.
20:11Yeah.
20:11You all right, Kiara?
20:13Yeah, I'm fine.
20:14You seem a little bit, er, sort of subdued or...?
20:16No, I'm fine.
20:17I'm fine.
20:18All right.
20:18Is it Jimmy?
20:19I just, I can't read him.
20:20I don't know what he's thinking.
20:22Maybe it was earlier when you tried to, sort of, hug him.
20:24From behind.
20:25Yeah.
20:25Yeah, no, he didn't like that.
20:27Sorry, I think that's on Jimmy, though, because, like,
20:29that is your, like, native Mediterranean world.
20:31Yes.
20:32Yeah.
20:32Because she's Italian.
20:33Si, è vero, sono italiana.
20:36So, I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly
20:38in touch with her, er, sensuality.
20:40Infatti sono una donna molto sensuale.
20:43Oh, yeah, somebody unusually connected with their femininity.
20:47Err, tipo Monica Bellucci.
20:49Yeah, but actually, er, she is incredibly repressed.
20:52That's right.
20:52Because I'm also half-English, so that explains that.
20:55And Roisin.
20:56Roisin, on the other hand, is Irish.
20:59Ssha!
20:59Yep.
20:59Catholic.
21:00Anna-man-ah-ha-ogus-um-vic-ogus-um-spirit-nave-amen.
21:03That's right.
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually
21:08incredibly playful and, um, loose and just a tiny bit slutty.
21:12What?
21:13Sorry, that is absolute, like, slander.
21:15Not at all.
21:16I'm not like that.
21:17It makes total sense, because she's just trying to connect, right?
21:20Because we're born alone.
21:22Exactly.
21:23And we die alone.
21:24And that's...
21:25OK, well, there we go.
21:26Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh-oh.
21:29OK.
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
21:31Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34OK, don't call him a boot, because he's a very, like,
21:37very well-known comedian.
21:38Uh-oh, here we go.
21:40John.
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power.
21:43And clearly, you're right in the middle.
21:45Uh-oh, here we go.
21:46Here we go.
21:47Here we go.
21:50Just move your pups.
21:52Move, move, move.
21:53John's up.
21:54Guys, don't look.
21:55Just don't watch.
21:58OK.
22:00OK.
22:00OK, all right.
22:01OK, all right.
22:02Oh, OK.
22:04Grocery, grocery, grocery, grocery!
22:06Stop!
22:06Grocery, grocery, grocery!
22:08Grocery, grocery!
22:09Grocery!
22:09Sorry!
22:10Come over here!
22:11What are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me all night.
22:17But we're here.
22:17We're part of the show.
22:18He can't...
22:19OK, all right, regardless of the details,
22:20I've got something to say to you, John.
22:21You might do this all the time.
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26Yeah, it's all fun and games.
22:27But for me, I'm at work.
22:29Exactly.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33Grocery and Chiara, everyone.
22:35OK.
22:36I have a lot of work.
22:38I have a lot of work.
22:39She's cute.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny?
22:46As much as John started to look very awkward,
22:49you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:03You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry.
23:07She'll look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Er...
23:12Well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
23:16That is...
23:17I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn
23:22and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:24Yeah.
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:27There really is.
23:27Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk.
23:31LAUGHTER
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last poo.
23:42APPLAUSE
23:45And here is your teaser.
23:46The words are...
23:47The clue is...
23:50That's...
23:52See you after the break.
23:58APPLAUSE
24:09Welcome back.
24:10The answer to the tease.
24:11The words were...
24:12Meet Belle.
24:12The clue was num num num num num.
24:14It was, of course, meltable.
24:15OK.
24:16So, Rob and Miles are in the lead.
24:18They've been playing in teams so far,
24:19but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please.
24:26Great start.
24:27E.
24:27Consonant.
24:28G.
24:30A consonant.
24:31M.
24:33Consonant.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:37Smeg.
24:38I.
24:38Oh.
24:40Val.
24:42Smegy.
24:43R.
24:44E.
24:44Continent.
24:46T.
24:47Oh, go on, let's have smegiest.
24:51Continent.
24:52Oh.
24:53Y.
24:54Continent.
24:55Continent.
24:56Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station.
24:59So, your time starts now.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up at the station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29It's my turn to drive.
25:30Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:53ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:53ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:53ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:53ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
25:55ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
26:13Oh
26:35I can't believe it the Pasha's here who's Rachel's other half and also Susie Dent's other half's here
26:41I
26:44Should say just earlier on the show but John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex with one of
26:51the Strictly dancers
26:53specifically you
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes mate
27:04Efficient love maker with my skill you'll be out on two
27:16Ravals for passion and my friends from the volume car
27:25Judy how many five five well you only had 30 seconds fair enough
27:29I
27:37Six six Wow smash that five in yeah, okay. What's the five Judy miss misty or timer?
27:44We'll go misty didn't fancy pop in the ass on the end of time
27:49Sorry
27:52Rob you're six got misery or mister
27:56You said mystery no
28:01Think John is unlikely to describe misery is not possible
28:12I will see boys are up
28:18Roshie and Kiara could they have done any better they could have interestingly John and Kiara both had misery
28:22Yeah, I'm just wondering what your misery is about actually I'm feeling a little bit miserable
28:27I'm going to admit it what what why is that I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw okay?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep right and here today I realized I can't smile
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done you're telling me that
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better and we could have eight letters here germiest germiest
28:57I did spot that but I've got some wipes down here at all times
29:01Got rid of it. Have you finished undressing dictionary corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again. You can look at me. I can't make you smile though. Can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:20So at the end of all that Rob and Myles have 23 John and Judy have seven
29:32John and Myles to go head-to-head in the maths miles your turn to pick the numbers
29:36Yeah, is it six in total is that what we're looking for? Yes, so three
29:39three
29:40I'm increasingly confident
29:43I can count I just can't the angle I'm at
29:46Although there's no numbers yet?
29:49No
29:51Yeah, zero you've already yes, you've already got it
29:55Three big numbers three little numbers three and three coming up. You've got this
29:59Three little ones ten seven two and the three big ones 75 25 and 50 and the target 192
30:09Okay, and your time starts now
30:42So
30:42So the target was a 192 miles. Did you get it? I didn't know why do you look so pleased
30:47with yourself?
30:49Okay, John, did you get it?
30:50Uh, 193
30:52Mmm
30:52How'd you get 193? 75 plus 25
30:55100
30:56Plus 2 times 50
30:58Plus 2 times 50
31:01200
31:02Minus 7
31:03Yep, yeah one away
31:04That's what I got
31:05Judy, no one believes you
31:06Oh, listen, I did 2 times 75
31:10Keep going
31:10And then I added 50
31:12No
31:1325
31:14You added 50?
31:15I added 25 makes
31:16175
31:17175
31:18And then I added
31:20You haven't even done that
31:22No, no, no
31:24Then I added the 10
31:26185
31:27And the 7
31:30192
31:31Oh!
31:33You did it!
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you
31:42What the hell?
31:43You watched Rachel do it and blagged it
31:44What?
31:45I can't win!
31:47I can't win!
31:47No, you can't!
31:48I can't!
31:49Stop the conversation
31:50You can't win
31:51Seven points to John
31:52Oh my
31:53Thank you
31:54Thank you
31:55Thank you
31:56Thank you
31:56And here is your teaser
31:58The words are
31:59Oiled nut
32:00The clue is
32:01You can see the shape of it
32:02That's oiled nut
32:03You can see the shape of it
32:05See you after the break
32:07APPLAUSE
32:21Welcome back
32:22The answer to the teaser
32:23The words were oiled nut
32:24The clue was
32:25You can see the shape of it
32:26It was of course outlined
32:28John
32:29Your team was doing so badly
32:30That we thought you needed help
32:32Thank you
32:32Please welcome comedian
32:33Dane Buckley
32:40Dane went to a convent school
32:41Where all the teachers were priests
32:43Me too
32:44Which is why I've got dodgy knees
32:47Oh God
32:47And no gag reflex
32:48And no gag reflex
32:49Wow
32:51I've got a gag reflex baby
32:53I remember
32:54Thank you
32:58No need to ask Dane how he got the job
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:04Face of a Greek god
33:05Body of Turkish delight
33:06OK, that's what I would say
33:07That's what I say on the dating apps
33:09No, I call myself
33:10The world's only Irish
33:11Indian gay comedian
33:13Possibly
33:13For the longest time
33:14I wasn't out as half Indian
33:16Like
33:18I never used to tell people
33:19I was good at IT
33:20You know
33:22I'm out now
33:23When you're Asian and white
33:24You just generally look Mediterranean
33:26You know, like Charlie XCX
33:27But I learnt recently
33:29You're darker down below
33:30You're darker down south
33:31And I didn't know
33:32Are you?
33:32Yes
33:33Well thanks for sharing
33:34I didn't realise that was a thing
33:36But I was at the doctors recently
33:37And he saw me naked
33:38Bless him
33:39And he said
33:40Mr Buckley can I ask you
33:41What your heritage is?
33:42And I was like
33:42What has he found?
33:43Onion bargey in my unified
33:46Are you any good at countdown?
33:47I'm massive dyslexic
33:49So no
33:49So that's why
33:51Guys
33:51We bring in the looks
33:52Also
33:53I think we look like
33:54A line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign
33:56Don't we?
33:57Look at that
33:57Hardly being written all over us
33:59Yes
34:00United Colours of Benetton
34:02Yeah
34:02What's John?
34:03The guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like
34:1410 points
34:15That's 10 points
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down
34:20You'll know this Jimmy as well
34:21My mammy
34:22Irish mammy's are hilarious
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not
34:27This is how she is
34:28Me and her won a beach in broad stairs
34:30Walking along
34:31Minding my own business
34:32And we straight on to the nudist part of the beach
34:34But there was this older gentleman there
34:36Completely naked
34:37Belly hanging out
34:38Penis hanging out
34:40Resting Brexit face
34:41That kind of vibe
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions
34:45No teeth, lots of opinions
34:45That was his time
34:48He was targeting women on the beach
34:49But he'd never taken on an Irish mammy
34:51And he said to my mum
34:52Excuse me love
34:53Does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat
34:56Glasses on a chain
34:57She said
34:57What love?
34:58That little thing there
35:01I highly doubt that
35:02Ever made a woman feel uncomfortable
35:05She said
35:06I'll be honest with your puppet
35:07I've seen bigger in mother care
35:10He just walked away
35:16Have you got a mascot?
35:18Do you bring your mascot?
35:18Oh my god, yeah
35:19I'm not just here to have fun
35:19Look at this, yeah
35:20Right
35:22This
35:23Is
35:24A jalebi
35:25The most famous of Indian sweets
35:27It's crispy
35:29It's deep fried
35:29It's syrupy
35:30And it's
35:31It's absolutely gorgeous
35:32And my nan used to teach me
35:33How to cook Indian dishes once a week
35:35And we would fry these
35:37And she would make
35:37Masala chai tea
35:38And she'd read my tea leaves
35:40But she used to use it as a time
35:42To get information out of me
35:43Because she didn't want to ask
35:44So she'd be like
35:45Mmm, okay
35:46Not many
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent
35:47Okay
35:47So she'd be like
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves
35:51And she'd be like
35:51Mmm, okay
35:52Not many girls in your future
35:55So many boys
35:56Okay
35:57Dancing so gay
35:58Oh darling
35:59You're dancing around the pole
36:00And I was like
36:00Give me that nan
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves
36:03He's Polish
36:03Like
36:07And so I thought
36:08Be brave
36:08I didn't realise
36:09I had to come out to my nan
36:11I said nan
36:11I'm gay
36:12She said
36:13We must call your father immediately
36:14I said why?
36:15She said he owes me 20 pounds
36:16I said nan
36:22I'm as gay as the day is long
36:23She said rubbish
36:24Foolish
36:25Gay as the day is long
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:31Hashtag
36:32Gay light savings
36:35But
36:36I bought some jalebes for you guys to try
36:38I thought it'd be nice
36:39Ooh
36:40Jalebes
36:41So they are vegan
36:41The jalebes
36:42Have a little go
36:43No, you keep them Judy
36:53It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beefing
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob
37:02Great
37:03Do you want me to start an angel delight, Rob?
37:08You've got any fucking custard, have ya?
37:12You've been arse in a bit of rice pudding
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen
37:18Fair, fair
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland
37:21So growing up I spoke Irish
37:23It's a Celtic language
37:24And you'll know if you know any Irish
37:25Nothing sounds like what you think it means
37:27Like, listen to this
37:31Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying
37:33Ready the war between the elves and the centaurs
37:35But it means I have no interest in the local facilities
37:40And if you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype
37:47Thank you, good night
37:48You're good
37:53OK, on with the game
37:59Dane, your turn to choose the letters
38:00A consonant
38:01That's so much sugar
38:02Yeah
38:03That is extraordinary
38:03Feels like if we'd just eaten sugar
38:05There would have been less sugar in it than that
38:08A vowel
38:09Make my eyes hurt
38:11O
38:12Another vowel
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel
38:21A
38:21Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel
38:25What have you got up here?
38:26Colonisers?
38:27No
38:30You're going to start annoying Jon in a minute
38:32It's going to start get itchy
38:33If you do another vowel, it'll start to get panicky
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat
38:36But, you know, let's not fuck about
38:41OK, a consonant
38:42S
38:42There you go
38:43S
38:44My fingers are too sticky to write
38:46How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four
38:49Do you know what? Give me a big vowel
38:53I'm so sorry Jane, but the fun police have turned up
38:57A consonant
38:58A consonant
38:59N
39:00And the vowel
39:02E
39:04That's your max
39:05Right
39:06A consonant then
39:08A number?
39:10A W
39:11OK, and your time starts now
39:13Hey
39:18Mike
39:19We're taking, mate
39:20Oh
39:21You pick shit letters and we all suck, buddy
39:33Doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:45Four
39:45Uh, Judy?
39:47Four
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah
39:52I think Jon, you're on your own, how'd you do?
39:55Six
39:55Six, OK
39:56Miles?
39:58Still eating it
40:00Just some more
40:03I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper
40:06It'll be
40:08Uh, five
40:09It was sinew
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away, it doesn't matter
40:15Alright, Rob, how many?
40:16Five
40:17Swine!
40:20Hyper
40:21We're all hyper
40:22We're on a sugar rush, deal with it, Dad
40:25Uh, Dane, your four, what was your four?
40:28News
40:28Oh, well done
40:31Well done
40:32Definitely
40:34Definitely worth turning up for
40:37Judy, what was your four?
40:40Noi
40:41Five
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise
40:43Noise
40:43Uh, John
40:44Uh, insane in the membrane
40:48Insane in the brain
40:51Very sugary
40:53Very sugary
40:55Six points to John
40:59It's going crazy
41:01It's going crazy
41:01Uh, fucking amazing
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep
41:06Swanny
41:08Who?
41:08Swanny
41:09Swanny
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:12Like a swan
41:14It's like a swan, or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded, waterproof, um, jacket
41:18With a hood
41:19Okay, so, the scores at the moment, uh, Rob and Miles have 23, uh, John, Judy and Dane have 20
41:24Oh!
41:27And here is your final teaser, the words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is, anything for a good time,
41:32that's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time, see you after the break
41:52Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were, I'd nosh me, the clue was, anything for a good
41:56time, it was, of course, hedonism
41:58Okay, time for our final letters game, John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick
42:02I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters
42:09These two are getting on really well
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel
42:15Thanks, John
42:16T
42:18Vowel
42:19A
42:20Consonant, please
42:22F
42:23Consonant, please
42:24S
42:25Vowel, please
42:27E
42:28Consonant, please
42:29L
42:30Vowel
42:31Vowel, please
42:31A
42:33Consonant, please
42:34D
42:36And another vowel, please
42:38I've lost where I am
42:41I've lost where I am
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music, I might change it up, if that's alright with everyone
42:44Okay, your time starts now
43:16I'll be right back to the channel
43:16I'll be right back to the channel
43:17Oh
43:23Okay, John, how many? Tengo un seis, gracias
43:29Sorry? Tengo un seis, Jimmy. What's up with your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:34I've no idea what you're saying. La gente solo piensa
43:40John Richardson, mirenlo con su little cardigan y su estúpida big boy
43:46Hay mucho más de lo que parece. Estoy harto de que la gente bromee, diciendo que soy una especie de
43:52virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustarÃa admitir, es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobbs
43:59So we are having some technical difficulties, I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:05I think that's it, try that. Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six
44:12Six
44:13Okay, Dane, how many? Five
44:14Judy, how many? Six
44:16Okay, Miles, how many? Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:19Ooh
44:20Rob? Five
44:22Fine, what's your five? Fades
44:23Fades, okay
44:25Dane, your five? False
44:26False, okay
44:28Judy? Ladies
44:30John, your six? Fasted
44:33Miles, for the points, your seven
44:34Um, uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:37Ooh
44:38Ooh
44:38My man
44:40Oh
44:42Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:47Wow
44:49Could they have done any better? No
44:51No, Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it's fantastic
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:03Oh
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:09Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum, your time starts now
45:13BUZZER
45:18BUZZER
45:21BUZZER
45:23BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:32BUZZER
45:37Pickiness
45:38You've all got it, I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw! Everyone's a winner!
45:43CHEERING
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home, that's it
45:58from us, goodnight!
45:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:22AND APPLAUSE
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