00:30And now, on the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas specials,
00:36Jan Richardson,
00:38Jenny Dyer,
00:40Roisin Conaty,
00:43Joe Lyson,
00:44Mr. Swallow,
00:46Susie Dins,
00:48Rachel O'Reilly,
00:50and your host, Jimmy Kahn!
00:58Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special,
01:02a show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas!
01:06OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:09First up, it's team captain John Richardson!
01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16As it's Christmas, John, I've written you a little poem.
01:19OK.
01:20I think it's just a little Christmas thing.
01:22Um,
01:23"'Twas the night before Christmas
01:24when all through the house
01:26John Richardson was cleaning
01:27like an OCD mouse.
01:30The bins had been emptied and left out with care.
01:33His wife had just left him.
01:34She was having an affair."
01:35LAUGHTER
01:37I'll be honest,
01:38I sort of zoned out after the bins went out
01:40for some reason on Christmas Eve,
01:41as if it isn't a bank holiday all over the world.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45That is a very you response
01:46to hearing your wife is having an affair.
01:49And John's team-mate, it's Roisin Conaty!
01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:56Roisin is to count down
01:57what a turkey is to...
01:59..count down.
02:00LAUGHTER
02:02Up against them this evening,
02:03it's guest team captain, Danny Dyer!
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10Danny is so cockney,
02:11the only time he'll deck the halls
02:12is if the halls have been mugging him off.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:17And joining Danny tonight,
02:18it's Joe Lycett!
02:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:25Joe Lycett,
02:25he's a bit like a Christmas cracker.
02:27If you want fun,
02:28you have to give him a good tug with two hands.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:31It feels like that joke
02:32could have been about any of us.
02:33I could have had that one.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35I don't need two hands.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:40LAUGHTER
02:40Roisin, spoiler alert,
02:41I don't either.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:44Merry Christmas, everyone!
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47I was going to say,
02:48I do need two hands for my...
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51But I'm more bollock than...
02:54Is the bollock lower than the penis at this point?
02:56Yeah, no, it's huge, this bollock.
02:57I need to get it done.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:00Sorry, one of them, this bollock?
03:01Yeah, yes, I've got the biggest bollock in the world.
03:03Well, I've got one of mine is bigger than the other two.
03:06Oh, really?
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09It's a huge bollock, Jim,
03:10and I've had it for a while,
03:11but I need to get it drained.
03:13What do you mean...?
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15LAUGHTER
03:15Well, that is the worst chat-up line I've ever heard.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:21Rashi, what Christmas traditions do you have in your house?
03:24I'll tell you what we have.
03:25We don't eat breakfast.
03:26I once had an ex-boyfriend,
03:28and I was at his house on Christmas morning,
03:30and I came down,
03:31and you've got a fridge full of contraband,
03:33you know, like, oozing to get, you know, get going on it,
03:36and he was eating porridge on Christmas morning,
03:39and honestly, I thought, I can't live like this.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:42I won't do it.
03:42Were they three beds?
03:44That's what it felt like.
03:45Genuinely, all day, I just thought, they ate porridge for breakfast.
03:47It's all I told anyone, they ate porridge for breakfast,
03:49and everyone was like, get rid.
03:51So, what, you think you should have nothing for breakfast
03:53on Christmas Day, and just...
03:54Not nothing legit.
03:55It should be something like ham with a toffee.
03:58Like, it should be wild from the get-go.
04:01Yeah, quality street wrapped in salmon.
04:03Yeah, that's exactly it.
04:04Porridge, of all the breakfasts,
04:06that's what you have when you're in prison.
04:08John, Christmas Day breakfast, what do you have?
04:11Porridge.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15LAUGHTER
04:15Let's go.
04:16Joe, have you been a good boy this year?
04:19LAUGHTER
04:21Are you coming on to me?
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25Well, it sort of depends on which legal system
04:28you're talking about, really, doesn't it?
04:29Cos UK, yeah, I think I've been a good boy this year.
04:33Saudi Arabia, I'd be put to death.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38I suppose we don't...
04:39We won't know if you've been a good boy until next year,
04:41will we, really?
04:42Cos...
04:45Deadline for HMRC is the end of Jan, isn't it?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:49Ooh, it's got to be.
04:52APPLAUSE
04:52LAUGHTER
04:55APPLAUSE
04:55Danny, talk us through Christmas Day
04:56in the Dyer household.
04:58Er, same as anyone, really, I think.
05:00Jim, er, start drinking Jack Daniels
05:02at about quarter to seven in the morning.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06Um, eating all day, right?
05:10So, the aim is to grow a couple more chins.
05:14What's your favourite Christmas food?
05:16Turkey.
05:17I'm a sh... Yeah, turkey.
05:20I like to get involved in the cooking
05:22by massaging the turkey with goose fat.
05:26Er, and then let some other fucker cook it, you know what I mean?
05:29I'll just...
05:29LAUGHTER
05:30It sounds, the way you've described it there,
05:33like a lot of fun.
05:34Yeah, especially...
05:36Especially after...
05:37After half a bottle of Jack Daniels, yeah.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:40There's something weird about rubbing the fat
05:43of one dead bird onto another dead bird.
05:46Fucking love it.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48Er, Roshin, have you got a mascot?
05:50My mascot is...
05:51I've been thinking a lot about Christmas clothes.
05:54And you get the sense that the Christmas jumper
05:56has really sort of...
05:58It's sort of just held Christmas hostage.
06:01We need some more traditional clothes.
06:03So, what I've come...
06:04If I can get out of my chair...
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08I've come up with...
06:09Christmas denim!
06:11Oh!
06:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:13That's nice.
06:14Christmas denim.
06:14Would you get into denim jackets at Christmas over your cardigan?
06:17I...
06:17It's all down to whether it's a fire hazard for me.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:22Looked good on you.
06:24It'd really...
06:24It'd really make you look youthful.
06:26And that's your main aim.
06:27Yeah, sure.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:29The other thing I've been thinking about...
06:31Men get women's sexy lingerie at Christmas,
06:34and it's the worst time of year because you're very full.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:37But sometimes you do feel a bit fruity at Christmas as well.
06:40So I've come up with this.
06:42So this is a Christmas jumper.
06:43Right.
06:45Yeah.
06:45So, look, you're sitting on the sofa.
06:48You're sitting down.
06:49Can you be my own person in this?
06:50Yes.
06:51I'll be your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55More porridge?
06:56Christmas Weetemix?
06:58LAUGHTER
06:58We've just got over one of our nine feeds.
07:01Ooh, I think I've got a fruity half-hour coming on.
07:03It's a little bit cold.
07:05Luckily...
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09APPLAUSE
07:11I know it's the future.
07:13And this is my last version of it.
07:15So this is the onesie,
07:17and if you haven't got time for foreplay,
07:20straight in.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:26This is fashion.
07:28Danny, have you got a mascot?
07:29Yes, something I'm very proud of.
07:30Something that I like to just bowl around with.
07:34Ahem.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:38It comes in handy.
07:40Er, what's the matter now?
07:41What's the matter?
07:42I'm pretty sure you don't have a BAFTA.
07:43Excuse me.
07:44You bowl around with this.
07:45It gives you instant credibility.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48You get 30% off Cineworld.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:51You definitely don't have a BAFTA.
07:53What does it say on the front?
07:54Yeah, what does it say on the front, Danny?
07:56It says Sean Bean.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59I nicked it.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02On the night, or you broke into his place?
08:04Oh, yeah, I just swiped it when he weren't looking.
08:06It's very easy.
08:07It's nice.
08:08He don't fucking need it anyway, does he, the geezer?
08:10That's mine.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:12Can I have a look at it?
08:13No.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17Touch it, have a touch, have a touch.
08:18Not to brag, but I do actually have a BAFTA.
08:20Oh, do you?
08:21OK.
08:22It doesn't really wobble, the real one, like that.
08:24But, yeah.
08:25No, to be fair, they've made it here.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28You've got to do some acting with it, Danny,
08:30to make it come to life.
08:31Yeah, yeah.
08:32That was fucking laughing.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:37Outrageous.
08:38Joe, have you got a mascot?
08:40This is the actual naughty and nice list,
08:44as written by Santa Claus himself.
08:48Ooh!
08:48Yeah.
08:49I got it 20% off in the closing down sale at Wilco.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:55What's great about us, you can look anyone up,
08:58Elon Musk on this page.
09:00Ooh.
09:00Naughty.
09:01It says,
09:02He looks like if a handsome man walked through Chernobyl.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:09Alan Sugar, let's have a look at Alan Sugar.
09:12He's nice.
09:13Danny Dyer!
09:14You're nice, you're nice as well.
09:16That's good, isn't it?
09:17Ooh, Jimmy, you're in here.
09:18Oh, Jimmy, you're on the naughty list.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:2223rd of February this year, you killed a cashier in Wix.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Some surprising names on the naughty list.
09:30Got...
09:30Oh, Matt Baker.
09:31Just says arson.
09:33LAUGHTER
09:34And, oh, most surprising, Susie Dent,
09:36you're on the naughty list.
09:38Aw.
09:38It says,
09:39You jumped the queue at Paddy Power,
09:40and when someone tried to argue with you about it,
09:42you threw a bag of chicken cottage barbecue wings over them.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47Now, I've been putting off looking up myself,
09:49but, um, I'm a bit nervous, but, um, here I am.
09:52Joe Lycett.
09:53Oh.
09:54Oh, this is embarrassing.
09:56It says I'm the nicest person in the world.
10:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:16Wow.
10:17That's so lovely.
10:19I'm the nicest person in the world.
10:20What a surprise.
10:22Loved it.
10:23Um, John, have you got a mascot?
10:24Well, yeah, Jimmy, it's...
10:25It's, of course, it's Christmas,
10:26but what that really means is it's pantomime season, isn't it?
10:29So, I said...
10:30I said to Channel 4,
10:31let's get a pantomime dame on the show,
10:33so I've had to find a woman to play the pantomime dame.
10:37It...
10:37News to me, you can't have a non-dame playing a dame.
10:40That's bloody...
10:42That's gone crazy, hasn't it?
10:43So, I rang round all the dames.
10:45Helen Mirren, er, she's in Southend with Diversity.
10:50Maggie Smith's in Blackpool with Jed Wood.
10:53Managed to eventually found a dame.
10:55So, I said, right, I've got an actual dame
10:56to play a pantomime dame, Widow Twanky.
11:00Is she a widow?
11:02Now, as luck would have it, she lost her husband two weeks ago.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:09Please welcome our pantomime dame. Lovely.
11:19She has luck. It's good of you to come, mate.
11:22I imagine the grief at the moment is still quite raw, isn't it?
11:25It is.
11:27Oh, no, it isn't!
11:30LAUGHTER
11:36I didn't mean it to be sad, I don't know, I'm just worried about...
11:39Do you have... Do you have any pets or hobbies or...?
11:42Yes, a cockatoo.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:47And is... Is that a pet or a hobby?
11:51It's a pet.
11:52Is it a pet?
11:54I'm now worried about you being on your own at Christmas.
11:56I just want to say, if you want to spend Christmas with me and my family,
11:59you'll be more than welcome.
12:01Fuck off!
12:09I'm grieving, not desperate.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:15APPLAUSE
12:18Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Mr Swallow.
12:21Woo!
12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:25Silent night, holy night.
12:33Silent night, holy night.
12:41Cows and donkeys and leopards and snakes.
12:48Praising Jesus and saying he's great.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57Jesus, Queen of the UK.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:04Something and Torval and Dean.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:14I'm with Mr Swallow.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18LAUGHTER
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19And with Mr Swallow, of course, it's Susie De...
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49...
13:51...
13:53...
13:53...
13:53...
13:53...
13:53...
13:54...
13:56Taken
13:57...
13:57...
13:58...
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