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00:00:00You're watching A-SPAN of your life disappear, watching C-SPAN.
00:00:05We now go live to the White House, where Press Secretary Caroline Levitt is four or five seconds from Wyeth.
00:00:13Thank you, thank you, members of the press.
00:00:16Could we hold the work on the ballroom, please?
00:00:21I'm delighted to be here today.
00:00:24As some of you know, I'm about to go on maternity leave.
00:00:26That's when you tell President Trump about your maternity, and he says, leave.
00:00:32But before I go, I'd like to introduce a man who just finished absolutely owning the Dems in his congressional
00:00:39testimony.
00:00:40The man, the myth, the liability.
00:00:43Pete Hegseth.
00:00:52All right, cut the press. Cut it.
00:00:57And yeah, this is the scotch.
00:01:01I said I'd have just one.
00:01:05Here you go.
00:01:07For the baby.
00:01:08Okay.
00:01:10All right, now listen up, dingbats.
00:01:12Okay?
00:01:13As you might have seen on our sick-ass TikTok,
00:01:16we've been bombing stuff, doing sick air raids.
00:01:19This war has been a movie.
00:01:23Specifically, the never-ending story.
00:01:26We've hit Iran with everything we've got.
00:01:29Missiles, bombs, drones, and twins.
00:01:34But now we're in a ceasefire, wink.
00:01:38Which is why I have time to come talk to you, butt munches.
00:01:42So, all right, dumb questions.
00:01:44Go.
00:01:45Uh, yeah.
00:01:46When you recited that Bible verse from Pulp Fiction about vengeance and furious anger,
00:01:51um, did you know it was fake and it wasn't really in the Bible?
00:01:57Yeah!
00:01:59But also, I do believe that someday it will be.
00:02:03In Bible 2, Electric Bible Lube.
00:02:07Now, I'm not going to apologize because I wear my religion on my sleeve.
00:02:11Literally.
00:02:12I have a tattoo on my forearm of Jesus choking out Jimmy Kimmel.
00:02:19Next.
00:02:21Yeah, is it true that you've already spent $25 billion in taxpayer dollars?
00:02:25Is it true you suck?
00:02:28I'm just trying to get an estimate of what you think the total cost of this war will be.
00:02:32Huh.
00:02:33I don't know.
00:02:33I guess I could put it in terms like a theater kid like you would understand.
00:02:37Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred billion.
00:02:44Ruff, ruff.
00:02:45You just got dog walked.
00:02:47Next.
00:02:48What about reports that U.S. military facilities have been badly damaged?
00:02:52Exactly how many bases have been hit?
00:02:55More bases than you've ever hit, virgin.
00:02:59And you want to see a base that's been badly damaged?
00:03:01Check out your mom after she's done riding Pete's Dragon.
00:03:05Oh!
00:03:11In summary, war is awesome.
00:03:13Okay?
00:03:14Everyone's always asking me, when's this war going to be over?
00:03:16That's like asking, when is sex going to be over?
00:03:20Answer, when the man is done.
00:03:25Yeah, you.
00:03:26But President Trump himself just declared that the war is over.
00:03:30Okay, yeah.
00:03:31When he says it, it's cool.
00:03:33And to quote another thing he says, you're fired.
00:03:36I don't work for you.
00:03:39You know what?
00:03:39You're right.
00:03:40You're actually not working for me.
00:03:42Too brunette, not enough filler.
00:03:46And what are those B-cups?
00:03:51One is, yeah.
00:03:54Now, look, I'd love to stay here and keep dunking on your weak asses.
00:03:57But someone else wants to come say hello before he's almost certainly fired.
00:04:01Director of the FBI, Mr. Cash Patel.
00:04:19What up?
00:04:20What up?
00:04:22It's KDOT, aka Cash with a K, aka the most effective FBI director this country's ever had, Cash Patel.
00:04:35Now, after the attempted assassination of President Trump, another one.
00:04:44We conducted an investigation that could not have been more thorough.
00:04:49We dotted every T and bulged every I.
00:04:55And for those of you saying I'm doing a bad job running the FBI, well, what if I told you
00:05:02this agency is only six weeks away from pinpointing the exact location of Osama bin Laden?
00:05:11You guys should not be reporting the lies and the gossip.
00:05:15You should be reporting on the historic nature of my appointment.
00:05:19I'm a trailblazer.
00:05:20I'm the first Indian person to suck at their job.
00:05:29Everyone says Indian people are smart, hardworking, incredibly intelligent.
00:05:34I've proved without a shadow of a doubt that we can be just as incapable and incompetent as the whites.
00:05:46Okay, questions.
00:05:48Yeah, you, little shorty.
00:05:50Are you nervous about reports that Trump is angry with you?
00:05:55Hell no.
00:05:57President Trump loves me.
00:05:58Everybody loves me.
00:06:00Even the correspondent's dinner shooter said, kill everyone but Mr. Patel.
00:06:06You get a shout out like that in a psycho's manifesto, you must be doing something right.
00:06:13Okay, is it true that you, the director of the FBI, was locked out of your own email account?
00:06:19That's just more lies.
00:06:21I've always been able to log into my email except for a brief 36-hour period of time
00:06:27when I forgot I had changed my password to Cash Me Outside 69.
00:06:33And I, uh, can I ask about your drinking?
00:06:36What about it?
00:06:38Uh, I was actually talking to Mr. Patel.
00:06:40Oh, awesome.
00:06:44Let me be clear, this FBI director has never been drunk or hungover on the job.
00:06:51This FBI director has never filled a 40-ounce travel mug with ice-cold gin
00:06:56and a swirl of dry vermouth and six lemon peels and called it a cash-tini.
00:07:01This FBI director has never used taxpayer dollars to take a private jet
00:07:07to fly him and his girlfriend to three different Buffalo Wild Wings locations across the country
00:07:13to see if they could taste the difference.
00:07:15And this FBI director has definitely not stood on top of a couch
00:07:20at the VIP room of Tao Nightclub and Asian Bistro
00:07:23and shouted, who wants the nuclear codes?
00:07:26J.K., I ain't got them!
00:07:34And beyond that, I just have one more thing to say.
00:07:38Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
00:07:47It's Saturday Night Live with Michael J.
00:08:00Michael J.
00:08:01Mikey J.
00:08:08Andrew Dismukes.
00:08:17Chloe Fineman.
00:08:28Marcelo Fernandez
00:08:34James Austin Johnson
00:08:43Colin Jost
00:08:49Sarah Sherman
00:08:56Keenan Thompson
00:09:01Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:09:08Jeremy Cohen
00:09:12Dan Marshall
00:09:20Ashley Padilla
00:09:23Cam Patterson
00:09:28Veronica Slowikowska
00:09:59Jane Wickline
00:10:00I'm with you
00:10:01I'm with you
00:10:05I'm with you
00:10:26I'm with you
00:10:30So, mine is Mikey Day, Sarah Sherman,
00:10:34Kenan Thompson, and Chloe Hindman.
00:10:37And they all came back this week just to cheer me on.
00:10:41How sweet is that?
00:10:46Anyway, I have a new album out next month.
00:10:52My last two albums were called Sour and Guts,
00:10:55and this new one is called
00:10:57You Seemed Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love.
00:10:59So, I learned more words, guys!
00:11:04And, um, you may not know this,
00:11:06but before I was Olivia Rodrigo the singer,
00:11:09I was actually Olivia Rodrigo the child actor.
00:11:12When I was six, I had my first-ever acting job
00:11:15in an Old Navy commercial.
00:11:16Can we show the clip?
00:11:24Pretty sweet, pretty sweet.
00:11:26They caught my line, though. I'm not sure why.
00:11:28But, um, I managed to get the full footage.
00:11:31Summer's sizzling!
00:11:32Come out, address is $15!
00:11:34Hey, that's not my real mom.
00:11:35I want to go to the Gap!
00:11:39I'm not sure why they cut that.
00:11:42Um, then when I was 13, I was on a Disney show
00:11:45called Bizarre Mark, and, um...
00:11:50We had an incredible cast, which included acting legend Jake Paul.
00:11:55And, um, we'd always talk about our futures, me and Jake.
00:11:58I'd say, I really want to create music that explores the complexities of girls my age.
00:12:03And he'd say, well, one day I really want to beat up old guys on Netflix.
00:12:08We both did it! Hooray!
00:12:13Um, these last few years, I've been touring my albums,
00:12:16which has been so incredible.
00:12:18There are so many highs on tour, connecting with fans, visiting new cities.
00:12:22And there was one, uh, notable low.
00:12:30Oh, my God! That was fun! I'm okay!
00:12:37That wasn't fun.
00:12:39And I wasn't okay.
00:12:42You know, a lot has changed for me since my first single,
00:12:45Driver's License, which was about the biggest event in my life when I was a teenager.
00:12:49And now that I'm older, I decided to write a new song
00:12:52about the most recent big event in my adult life,
00:12:55and I really hope it speaks to you.
00:13:05I got my real ID last week
00:13:09I showed up at the DMV
00:13:12I sat there waiting 14 hours
00:13:15With nine forms to prove it's me
00:13:18They finally called my number
00:13:25G107632
00:13:26And I approached the lady
00:13:31She says, I don't have what I need
00:13:35She said, my ID isn't real
00:13:38Well, then why did you give it to me?
00:13:42The lady said, you need a pay stub
00:13:44I said, what the hell is that?
00:13:47I'm 23
00:13:50And I know I'm not perfect
00:13:54But I've never been so mad at someone
00:14:01This lady wants my passport
00:14:04My W-2
00:14:06And my firstborn son
00:14:11My gas bill, my body count, bra size
00:14:14How long will this be?
00:14:18And she said forever, so I'll just use my old fake eye
00:14:25For the time
00:14:37We have got a great show for you tonight!
00:14:39I'm here, so stick around, we'll be right back!
00:15:05You're watching Pluto TV, home of your favorite classic shows.
00:15:08Now, it's the 1983 nighttime drama, Edge of Destiny.
00:15:18Marguerite, what on earth are you doing here?
00:15:21You weren't invited to the champagne ball.
00:15:23Ah, but of course I was, Diana.
00:15:25Your son asked me himself.
00:15:27Ah, and that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
00:15:30Marguerite, you're not to see Ruben anymore.
00:15:32Not today, not ever.
00:15:33You see, I don't want my son interacting with trash.
00:15:38Excuse me.
00:15:40After everything I've done for this family, why, you...
00:15:43Oh, stop it.
00:15:44I'll stay back.
00:15:45Oh, oh, my baby, oh, I...
00:15:50Diana, no!
00:15:53No!
00:15:56No!
00:15:57No!
00:15:59Marguerite, what in heaven's name did you do?
00:16:04Ruben, I don't know what happened.
00:16:06Your mother was telling me these, these lies when she...
00:16:09Lies?
00:16:10What did she say?
00:16:11Oh, dear.
00:16:13She said you were calling off the engagement.
00:16:15It was lies, wasn't it, Ruben?
00:16:17I'm sorry, Marguerite.
00:16:19I'd lose the house.
00:16:20My inheritance.
00:16:21You'd throw me away for, for money?
00:16:25You bastard!
00:16:27Ah!
00:16:30Ah!
00:16:41Now, Miss Stapleton, begging your pardon, ma'am, may I have a word with you?
00:16:45Oh, yes, but let's step away from the stairs.
00:16:47Oh, I'm sorry, Miss, there's no time.
00:16:49I'm Jonas, the family attorney.
00:16:51We're prepared to make you a generous offer of $500 to leave the premises and never speak
00:16:56to young Ruben again, but you must sign here, now.
00:17:01No!
00:17:01I've never signed such a thing, not now, not ever.
00:17:05Whoa, whoa, now be careful, my legs are a bit uneasy, and I'm standing in front of these
00:17:08stairs!
00:17:09Ah!
00:17:14Oh, no!
00:17:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:17:25Marguerite, did you just push that dapper old dandy down the stairs?
00:17:30And why is there a pile of bodies down there?
00:17:34I have no idea what you're talking about, Stacia.
00:17:37Randall, what are you doing here?
00:17:39We're taking Leopold to the terrace for his afternoon wee.
00:17:43No one informed us there would be a collection of trash by the stairway.
00:17:51How dare you, I should...
00:17:53Excuse me, ma'am, I have this, uh, tower of champagne flutes.
00:17:59Where do you think that I should put...
00:18:00Where?
00:18:00Oh, my goodness!
00:18:05Oh, my goodness!
00:18:06Oh, my goodness!
00:18:06No!
00:18:13Oh, look, I stopped myself.
00:18:20Oh, thank goodness, Clarence!
00:18:23Are you all right, Clarence?
00:18:25You just fell down so many stairs!
00:18:28Don't worry about me, I'm fine!
00:18:30Oh, no, wait, no, no, no!
00:18:34No!
00:18:35No!
00:18:36No!
00:18:37No!
00:18:37No!
00:18:38No!
00:18:40No!
00:18:41No!
00:18:42It was you who told Ruben about my past.
00:18:44It was you who asked Diana to end the engagement.
00:18:47You're mad.
00:18:48I would never...
00:18:49Confess.
00:18:50Confess or Leopold gets it.
00:18:52No!
00:18:53Leopold, you wouldn't dare.
00:18:55Try me.
00:18:57Oh, Leopold!
00:19:04Who's the trash now?
00:19:24Well, well, well, I suppose there's no one left to inherit the house after all.
00:19:30Now who has the last laugh?
00:19:32I do, bitch.
00:19:33What?
00:19:36Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:19:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:19:40Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:19:46Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:20:10I've got the perfect bedroom
00:20:12I've got the perfect bed
00:20:14I've got a purple phone
00:20:16With the curly cord right beside my head
00:20:19I've got a lava lamp
00:20:21And boy band posters on the wall
00:20:24I've got a beanbag chair
00:20:26And I've got a disco ball
00:20:28I've got my glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling
00:20:32Got my mood ring that tells me how I'm feeling
00:20:37I've got a TV built in VHS
00:20:40I love my bedroom, it's the best
00:20:43The only problem is
00:20:46I'm in a zoo on the bug people planet
00:21:07Every day when the sun comes up
00:21:09The bug people come and look at me
00:21:12They've got the Zoom members coming first
00:21:14And the older bugs get in for free
00:21:16They watch me through my boy band posters
00:21:19Beady eyes all in a way
00:21:21Then they sit on bleachers while I use the toilet
00:21:24When it flushed they clap like the dolphin show
00:21:29I love my perfect bedroom
00:21:33And I know it's an artificial human habit
00:21:39Habit, habit, habit, habit, tab
00:21:41In a cave on the bug people planet, planet, planet that
00:21:45They don't rule for me, I never felt so free
00:21:48There's a bug who always protests
00:21:50I can tell it's got a big heart
00:21:53Once a baby fell in my ring
00:21:55And they shot me with a tranquilizer dart
00:21:57Now I don't have a lot of families
00:22:00A league of their own is the only one
00:22:02And they couldn't get a real coffee
00:22:05So they had to make a bug people one
00:22:15I think they did a really good job
00:22:18Every night when the bugs go home
00:22:22I'm left in my room and I'm all alone
00:22:27I stare at the stars and think of my fate
00:22:32And that's when they bring me a potential mate
00:22:38Hi, I'm Alan
00:22:42Not quite sure how I got here
00:22:44But I think they want us to reproduce
00:22:46No
00:22:47Totally, I'm not ready either
00:22:49We'll get to know each other first
00:22:51Then reproduce
00:22:52Not interested
00:22:53Makes sense
00:22:54Well, it's nice meeting you
00:22:56Oh, here comes the claw
00:22:57Well, you tried, buddy
00:23:00What now?
00:23:01A life of luxury in the royal palace
00:23:05I love my perfect bedroom
00:23:10I know it's a great fish
00:23:13So can you come in, come in, come in, come in, dad
00:23:17In a cave on the bug people playin', playin', playin', playin' dad
00:23:21For me, I never felt so free
00:23:38Hi, y'all
00:23:39Rhett and Bev here live on SHOP TV
00:23:42Bev got some good news during the break
00:23:45Okay, okay
00:23:46The judge denied her daughter's petition to be illegally emancipated
00:23:51Oh, piss my ass, Kayla
00:23:53I bought you for two more years
00:23:55You lost
00:23:56Punkin, you lost
00:23:57I'll say this
00:23:58When she found out she was moonwalking like Michael Jackson
00:24:01Do your moonwalk
00:24:02There you go
00:24:03Okay
00:24:04Oh, your life is a hoot
00:24:06I know
00:24:07All right, coming up
00:24:08The most talented man in Christianity returns
00:24:12Oh
00:24:12Tim Tucker-Neeb's here
00:24:14Selling his Christian YA book series
00:24:18Nazareth High
00:24:19Oh, okay
00:24:21Punk alert
00:24:22Ooh
00:24:23The son of God's greatest miracle
00:24:25Passing geometry
00:24:28Oh, okay
00:24:29Tim Tucker-Neeb's here
00:24:32Okay
00:24:33Well, I wish y'all were here in the studio
00:24:35Cause it smells so dang good in here
00:24:37What?
00:24:38Yes, it does
00:24:38That is thanks to our first seller
00:24:41Owner of Daisy's Custom Cakes
00:24:43It's Daisy Rae Rutledge
00:24:45Well, aren't you just the cutest thing?
00:24:47Oh, my grand-grandma would be so happy you said that
00:24:50She always says, ugly girls die alone
00:24:53Ooh
00:24:54That's a little intense
00:24:56So what you got for us today, Daisy?
00:24:59I am selling my famous lava cake
00:25:01That comes in a reusable tin
00:25:04Reusable?
00:25:05No
00:25:05And you get the cake and the tin
00:25:08For the shop TV price of just $19.95
00:25:11That's it?
00:25:12Okay, you stop
00:25:12I know, right?
00:25:14Daisy, go ahead and show the shoppers at home
00:25:16What's smelling so good?
00:25:18Oh, boy, I'm drooling already
00:25:19I know
00:25:19Don't eat the whole thing, Bev
00:25:21Um, oh
00:25:24Oh, boy, okay
00:25:26Okay
00:25:29Okay
00:25:30Okay
00:25:31Okay
00:25:32Okay
00:25:32Okay
00:25:32Come on
00:25:33Y'all ever seen anything like that?
00:25:35Um, just my wife's once and my cat's every day
00:25:40Oh
00:25:42Uh, Daisy, why does, why does your cake got a little starfish in the middle there?
00:25:48Oh, baby, that's the fudge hole
00:25:50Oh, no
00:25:51No, that can't be what it's called
00:25:53Oh, it is
00:25:54It's from the fudge filling inside
00:25:57In the oven, the seam needs somewhere to escape so it pops a cute little hole in the top
00:26:01Oh, I wouldn't call it cute
00:26:03See, see, that seams what forms all these pretty crust creases
00:26:08And flavor wrinkles around the little fudge hole here
00:26:10Oh, do you, do you have to rim it like that?
00:26:14Oh, get off the close-up, O'Day
00:26:17Oh, how about we see, uh, who's on the shop line
00:26:19Caller, you're on shop TV
00:26:20What do you think of this cake?
00:26:22I think it looked like a big old butter
00:26:24Hang up
00:26:25Shame on you
00:26:27Shame on you
00:26:27So rude
00:26:29What?
00:26:30Now, Daisy, tell me, you know, why in the heck do they call it a lava cake?
00:26:34I don't know diddly about bacon, so y'all tell me
00:26:37That's right, that's right
00:26:38My Graham Graham always says, with some patience, anyone can bake, even ugly people
00:26:42Okay
00:26:44How about no more quotes from Graham Graham?
00:26:46So why is it called a lava cake?
00:26:49Oh, because of the liquid fudge inside, silly
00:26:52Bev, stick your nose in a little fudge hole and take a big whiz
00:26:55Oh, that was an awful sentence, so I think I'm gonna pass
00:26:58Pass on that
00:26:59Bev, come on, it smells amazing
00:27:01Okay, okay, I'll do a quick one, okay?
00:27:04Oh, dear, oh, Bev, you got kids
00:27:06Okay, okay, okay, that's great, I'm glad I did that right on camera
00:27:10That's great
00:27:11Now, how about a taste?
00:27:12Rhett, stick your little finger in there
00:27:14Oh, no, no
00:27:15I don't wanna mess up the pretty cake
00:27:17Oh, the cake will be fine, just go slow
00:27:19Oh, don't
00:27:22Don't say that, sweetheart
00:27:24Okay, here you go, here we go
00:27:26All right, I'm gonna stick my finger in here
00:27:29Oh, okay
00:27:29Rhett, why are you using your pinky?
00:27:32I don't know
00:27:33You don't know, thank you
00:27:33You seem more polite, okay?
00:27:36No
00:27:36Okay, here you go, I'll do it
00:27:38There you go, oh, I don't, oh, my lord
00:27:41Oh, nice, there you go
00:27:44Oh, oh, and there's something
00:27:48Oh, and it's peanut butter flavor, tasting
00:27:52Oh, I know, okay
00:27:54Okay, okay
00:27:55I mean, it tastes good, despite how bad that looked, y'all
00:27:59Can I get something to wipe my hand off, please?
00:28:01Not a toilet
00:28:03Lynette
00:28:04Use your head
00:28:08Daisy, can you tell everybody at home about the special bunghole bundle?
00:28:13Bundle, not bunghole bundle
00:28:15Uh, yeah, and for the next ten minutes, if you order two cakes, you get two more free
00:28:20How about that?
00:28:20Wow, okay, that's a deal
00:28:22Let's take another caller
00:28:23Hi there, you're on Shop TV
00:28:24Yeah, do these cakes come in different flavors?
00:28:27Oh, sure do, what's your favorite?
00:28:30Asian
00:28:30Oh, hang on, Dale
00:28:32Okay, yuck
00:28:33Well, I, I don't understand the question
00:28:36Oh, good
00:28:36Don't think about it
00:28:38Disgusting
00:28:39Don't think about it
00:28:40Well, speaking of reheating, I understand you got a little demo with a vanilla cake
00:28:44Oh, yes, yes
00:28:45Okay
00:28:46All right, if you stick your cake in the microwave for 90 seconds, it does something super neat
00:28:51Okay
00:28:52Okay
00:28:52Steam starts coming out the fudge hole
00:28:55Okay
00:28:56Tilt it to the camera, tilt it to the camera
00:28:58Oh, no, I think they can see it just fine, okay
00:29:00Oh, no, don't touch the dang overhead, Odell, that's obscene, blur that
00:29:04Blur it
00:29:05Blur, oh, okay
00:29:05Well, don't, don't blur everything but the whole Odell
00:29:12Odell
00:29:13Well, Daisy, we got a packed show, I wish we could chat more, but time's a little tight
00:29:18Tight like that cake
00:29:20Oh, yeah
00:29:20We talked to you about that
00:29:22For real
00:29:22Okay, more shock TV after this, and Odell, if you keep messing with us, I'm gonna stop sleeping with you
00:29:26Well, damn
00:29:33Next week, Matt Damon with musical guest Noah Kahn
00:30:00Hey, Brianna, thanks so much for coming to my birthday party
00:30:03Oh, of course
00:30:04And I'm so sorry that I invited Duncan
00:30:07Uh, it was before you guys broke up
00:30:13It's okay, it's like three whole weeks ago
00:30:16I mean, obviously I've been thinking about him a lot, I'm just like crying every night
00:30:18Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my birthday, so
00:30:24Sorry, I overheard, and I just wanna say, that's rough, I'm sorry, I'm Kevin, by the way
00:30:29Oh, I'm Brianna
00:30:32Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but could you, like, pretend to be my date tonight?
00:30:37Maybe make my ex a little jealous?
00:30:39Oh, yeah, sure, I can do that
00:30:43Oh, my God
00:30:45Sorry? What was that?
00:30:47Oh, sorry, no, my ex is here, it looks like she's already with another guy
00:30:51Oh, man
00:30:52Yeah, hey, I know we don't know each other, and this might be crazy, but would you, like, pretend to
00:30:58be my date tonight?
00:31:00Oh
00:31:03Um, acting, okay
00:31:05Um, I, that could be great, I mean, um, does it matter that I've had a baby before, or?
00:31:12No, why, why would that match?
00:31:13Oh, okay, just because I'm a little older, but, oh, but we're acting, okay
00:31:16So, um, officer, I'm 18, I swear
00:31:21Actually, I'm okay, thank you so much
00:31:22No, I really wanna do it, no, I wanna do it, I wanna do it, I wanna do it, I
00:31:25wanna do it, I wanna do it
00:31:26Okay, okay, chill, chill
00:31:27Chill, just look at them, look at them
00:31:28Okay
00:31:29And that is why I never went skiing again
00:31:32Oh, you're so funny
00:31:34Oh, no, he's making her laugh, damn it, okay, um, uh, pretend I just told you a joke
00:31:40Okay, got it
00:31:41A gay joke?
00:31:43Hey, buddy, my sister's gay
00:31:47No, why is that?
00:31:49No, laugh like you like it
00:31:51Okay, go
00:31:52Ha, ha, ha, ha, what a great gay joke
00:31:57Oh, my God
00:31:57Fun fact, my sister's gay
00:32:00What are you doing?
00:32:02Oh, my God
00:32:03He's with someone and they're having so much fun
00:32:07Um, well, then, we need to have more fun.
00:32:10Oh.
00:32:11Boop!
00:32:14No, no, no, no.
00:32:16Yes, we're bad.
00:32:17Oh, come on.
00:32:18How are we gonna top that?
00:32:19Oh, you're bad.
00:32:23Oh, you're bad.
00:32:25That's potatoes.
00:32:26Oh!
00:32:27It's what they're doing.
00:32:28Come on, lick it off.
00:32:29This is not what they're doing.
00:32:30Come on, you want her back or not?
00:32:32Lick it off.
00:32:33Oh, yeah!
00:32:35Oh, that's the stuff.
00:32:36Now, giggle.
00:32:37Giggle?
00:32:37Yes.
00:32:41Is she looking?
00:32:45Yeah, but, like, not in a good way.
00:32:48Oh.
00:32:49Wow, they're so, like, physical.
00:32:51Their sexual chemistry is off the charts.
00:32:54Uh, okay, here, I got you.
00:32:56Oh, you're such a gentleman.
00:32:59Oh, quick, give me your jacket.
00:33:01What? No!
00:33:03What the fuck are you doing?
00:33:04Let's get your jacket.
00:33:05Oh, your nipple's like my son.
00:33:07Hey.
00:33:07Look at that.
00:33:08Oh, my shirt.
00:33:09Hands are like, boing, boing.
00:33:10Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
00:33:11I'm sorry.
00:33:12Here.
00:33:12Boing, boing.
00:33:13Take mine, take mine, take mine.
00:33:14Take mine.
00:33:15Okay.
00:33:15Okay.
00:33:20Oh, my God.
00:33:22They're all over each other.
00:33:23Oh, quick.
00:33:24Give me a massage.
00:33:25He'll hate that.
00:33:25Oh, all right.
00:33:26You got it.
00:33:28Oh, my God.
00:33:31Okay.
00:33:32Well, can I give you a massage?
00:33:34Oh, are you kidding?
00:33:35I live for those things.
00:33:36Okay, perfect.
00:33:40What?
00:33:40What?
00:33:41What are you doing?
00:33:42You said you love massages.
00:33:43I thought they were something different.
00:33:45What was that?
00:33:46Oh, my God.
00:33:47Oh, my God.
00:33:49All right, watch this.
00:33:51Hey, everyone.
00:33:52I just wanted to say happy birthday to Marcus,
00:33:55and the only thing better than having friends you've known your whole life
00:33:59is meeting someone you feel like you've known forever.
00:34:04Aw.
00:34:05I feel the same way.
00:34:08Okay.
00:34:09Watch this.
00:34:10No.
00:34:11Do not.
00:34:11Watch this.
00:34:11Stop it.
00:34:12Stop it.
00:34:21Ting-ting, ting-ting.
00:34:26Thank you for having this birthday party.
00:34:34For I have met a man tonight.
00:34:38We made love in the bathroom.
00:34:42So hard that it gotten the food.
00:34:49his name is Heinrich don't it's Duncan he goes by Duncan we are to be wed at midnight no no
00:35:02we're
00:35:02not under the clock tower now let us pray Duncan wait I have to say something Duncan
00:35:13I made a mistake I'm not over you and I I was trying to make you jealous tonight by flirting
00:35:19with some random nobody but I did it because I love you please don't marry her too late bitch I'm
00:35:29pregnant I want her I choose her come on babe let's
00:35:43get out of here all right you want to take my car not you good night man good night to
00:35:50you I say
00:35:57you put on quite a show tonight Beverly would you like some more potatoes yes please
00:36:33ladies and gentlemen Olivia Rodrigo
00:36:53I know that the bar closes at 11
00:37:00I hope you never finish that beat you know all the words to just like heaven and I know I
00:37:15you're
00:37:18standing right here oh one night I was bored in bed and stalked you on the internet
00:37:30feminine intuition always had a vision of a standing like this
00:37:37I'm pressed up in the bathroom line looking like an angel on the walls of her son
00:37:45and you're still alive by their birthday kiss me and my light dropped dead
00:37:52and I feel like I might throw up left heart white punch to the gun you're still so pretty boy
00:38:05I'm paranoid I'll make you up
00:38:07yeah I'd love it if you walk me home if you promise we can go real slow cause I've got
00:38:12chewing gum and a bunch of stuff I'd like to know like have you ever been to Japan and taken
00:38:17my Eurostar to France I've been dropping hands all night but I'd love it if you had my hand come
00:38:22down
00:38:22and then maybe we could make make out close off and fall to the ground let's go steady let's go
00:38:27out and tell the whole damn world
00:38:29one night I was bored in bed and stalked you on the internet
00:38:38feminine intuition always had a vision of a standing like this
00:38:44pressed up in the bathroom line looking like an angel on the walls of her son
00:38:51in a place
00:38:52and I'm still alive by their repair
00:38:54by their repair
00:38:55for kiss me in a line
00:38:59Pisces and a Geminine
00:39:02but I think we might go really nice together
00:39:06if you'd let me stay the night
00:39:09well I think we might just have to stay forever
00:39:14Pisces and a Geminine
00:39:17But I think we might go really nice together
00:39:21If you let me stay the night
00:39:24I might just have to stay forever
00:39:43One night I was bored
00:39:46And then I stalked you on the internet
00:39:50It's feminine intuition
00:39:53I always had a vision of a story like that
00:39:58Pressed up in the bathroom like you
00:40:02Like an angel holding her down
00:40:05The most alive I've ever been
00:40:09But kiss me in dark mine
00:40:12Kiss me in dark mine
00:40:16Kiss me and I'm redropped in
00:40:47I'm redrored
00:40:50It's Weekend Update with Collin Jost and Michael Che.
00:41:05Thanks. Good evening, everyone.
00:41:07Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
00:41:09I'm Collin Jost.
00:41:14Well, we start tonight with some breaking news.
00:41:16Just a few hours ago, Spirit Airlines
00:41:19permanently shut down mid-flight.
00:41:24The airline stranded thousands of passengers at airports
00:41:27with no employees manning any of the check-in desks.
00:41:31Spirit said they were proud they were still maintaining
00:41:33their normal level of service.
00:41:37Cole Thomas Allen, the alleged correspondent's dinner shooter,
00:41:40took this selfie in his hotel room
00:41:43shortly before his assassination attempt,
00:41:45which he captioned,
00:41:46felt cute might delete precedent.
00:41:50This week, King Charles visited the U.S. and met Zoran Mamdani.
00:41:55And I'm surprised he didn't take Mamdani back to England with him,
00:41:58because he is an Indian treasure.
00:42:04Oh, okay.
00:42:06King Charles visited the U.S. to mark the 250th anniversary
00:42:10of American independence from Britain,
00:42:12and to seek the release of a British hostage
00:42:15being held by an American terrorist.
00:42:23King Charles also presented President Trump with the original bell
00:42:26from a British submarine and said,
00:42:28should you ever need to get a hold of us, just give us a ring.
00:42:32Or Trump could just call the guy saved in his phone as Andrew Island.
00:42:41Legal experts are saying that this week's Supreme Court ruling
00:42:44has taken a wrecking ball to the Voting Rights Act of 1965.
00:42:49But if you ask black people, it felt more like a fire hose.
00:42:56Too real.
00:42:58President Trump met with the Artemis II astronauts
00:43:01in the Oval Office and told them,
00:43:04I like space.
00:43:05Which is actually a direct quote from Melania's wedding vows.
00:43:12Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,
00:43:14seen here right after the bartender cut him off,
00:43:20testified before Congress where he revealed
00:43:22that the current estimate for the war in Iran
00:43:24is $25 billion a gallon.
00:43:30Also, how has the war already cost $25 billion?
00:43:33What are we bombing them with, White House ballrooms?
00:43:38A federal appeals court
00:43:40has restricted abortion access
00:43:42by blocking the mailing of a popular abortion drug.
00:43:45But just remember, any drug can be an abortion drug
00:43:48if you do it enough.
00:43:56You know, don't one guy clap.
00:44:00The U.S. State Department is introducing
00:44:02a special edition passport
00:44:04that features an image of Donald Trump.
00:44:06So you'll always carry your reminder
00:44:08of why you fled the country.
00:44:12Also, I love that the picture of Trump
00:44:14is apparently burning a hole
00:44:16in the Declaration of Independence.
00:44:20A homeless man in Florida was arrested
00:44:22after trespassing on a yacht
00:44:24and saying that he was holding it
00:44:26for his friend, President Trump,
00:44:28as well as making other unbelievable claims,
00:44:31like, I was mayor of New York City.
00:44:37That was my impression of Kate, dude.
00:44:41Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said
00:44:44she thinks it's possible America
00:44:45has already had a gay president.
00:44:47And here's a guess.
00:44:49Maybe it's the one obsessed with ballrooms
00:44:51and the village people.
00:44:55President Trump is also claiming
00:44:56that a BBC documentary
00:44:58altered his January 6th speech
00:45:00by using A.I. to change his words.
00:45:03And when you watch it back,
00:45:04it is kind of egregious.
00:45:06And we fight. We fight like hell.
00:45:10And we fight for horny milfs in your area.
00:45:16A new report claims that the next person
00:45:19to leave the Trump administration
00:45:21will be FBI Director Cash Patel.
00:45:24And honestly, Patel seems like
00:45:26he already has one eye out the door.
00:45:31The movie Michael earned $97 million
00:45:34in its opening weekend,
00:45:36which was the most a music biopic has ever grossed.
00:45:39But it didn't even crack
00:45:40the top ten grossest weekends
00:45:42involving Michael Jackson.
00:45:51Well, the news is heavy this week,
00:45:53but here at Weekend Update,
00:45:55we aren't afraid to take on the tough subjects.
00:45:57So here to discuss their brewing feud
00:45:59are podcaster-slash-influencer Alex Cooper
00:46:03and influencer-slash-blogger Alex Earl.
00:46:10Hey, guys.
00:46:12What is up, daddy gang?
00:46:16Welcome, ladies.
00:46:17So for anyone not familiar,
00:46:18would you mind introducing yourselves?
00:46:20Yeah, of course.
00:46:21So I'm Alex with an E.
00:46:23And I'm Alex with an I.
00:46:25I'm pretty much Martha Stewart.
00:46:26If instead of teaching baking,
00:46:28she taught you that like 3,000.
00:46:30And I'm basically Ellen
00:46:32if she never came out.
00:46:33Right.
00:46:35And that didn't really help me at all.
00:46:37But do you mind explaining
00:46:38what your feud is even about?
00:46:40Okay, so, like,
00:46:41do you know Biggie and Pac?
00:46:43Yes.
00:46:43Okay, well, we don't.
00:46:45Can you, like, explain them to us?
00:46:47What?
00:46:48Okay, so I'm gonna say
00:46:50what happened between us.
00:46:51Okay, then say it.
00:46:53Say what you gotta say, girl.
00:46:55On it.
00:46:56There's no NDA.
00:46:57Alex, say it.
00:46:58Okay, so I'm on it.
00:46:58It's literally coming out.
00:46:59I'm saying it like I'm saying it.
00:47:01Okay, then say it.
00:47:02Okay, I just did.
00:47:03No, you didn't.
00:47:03I didn't hear you.
00:47:04Just now, like this.
00:47:05Okay, well, that was too fast.
00:47:06I said it.
00:47:07I didn't hear it.
00:47:08I'm literally saying it right now.
00:47:08I literally didn't hear it.
00:47:09What are you doing?
00:47:10Are you not hearing that?
00:47:11No, no.
00:47:11What the hell is happening right now?
00:47:13What is happening?
00:47:15Okay, so basically,
00:47:16to put this in, like, gay man's term...
00:47:18I don't need that.
00:47:21I don't need that.
00:47:22Okay, so she was a hot mess,
00:47:23and I went on hot mess to be at unwell.
00:47:25But I felt unwell about unwell being at a hot mess.
00:47:28And it can't be unwell
00:47:29because I'm entering the wellness space.
00:47:32What?
00:47:33Okay.
00:47:33Ugh.
00:47:34Okay, basically, the situation got so unwell,
00:47:37it can only be described as worse than 9-11.
00:47:40It can...
00:47:40It can only be described that way?
00:47:43Okay, and then,
00:47:45Brianna Chicken Fry put the whole thing on boss.
00:47:46Ugh, Brianna on chicken fry.
00:47:48Oh, my God.
00:47:49Oh, my God.
00:47:51Who the hell is that?
00:47:53What?
00:47:55Uh, Brianna Chicken Fry La Paglia?
00:47:58Uh, Zach Bryant's ex,
00:47:59who's part of the Barstool Cinematic Universe?
00:48:01Duh!
00:48:03I don't understand a word of any of this.
00:48:07Wow, Chase.
00:48:09So when women tell you about their work drama,
00:48:11you just, like, tune them out.
00:48:15Yeah.
00:48:17Wow.
00:48:18Actually, Daryl.
00:48:19Wow.
00:48:19We're here to talk about literal Chernobyl
00:48:22for white women, and you don't even care.
00:48:26Put this on the screen.
00:48:27Michael Chase is an enemy to white women.
00:48:29What?
00:48:30Hey.
00:48:31Y'all got that up really fast, by the way.
00:48:33Yeah.
00:48:33Apparently, they have it ready all the time.
00:48:35Yeah, like, all the time.
00:48:35All right.
00:48:36Alex Silver and Alex Earl, everybody.
00:48:38Love you, Alex!
00:48:41Yes!
00:48:46What is that?
00:48:48An aviation company is now conducting tests
00:48:51of an all-electric air taxi
00:48:53to fly wealthy customers from Manhattan
00:48:55to JFK Airport,
00:48:56while economy customers can use their
00:48:58slingshot to LaGuardia.
00:49:04Authorities in Italy say a statue was damaged
00:49:07after a woman accepted a bachelorette challenge
00:49:10to touch the statue's genitals.
00:49:12She's been charged with statutory rape.
00:49:18Back to you, Colin.
00:49:24Gastro... Gastroenterologists are now saying
00:49:26that people can avoid getting hemorrhoids
00:49:27if they just stop sitting on the toilet
00:49:30for a long time while scrolling on their phones.
00:49:33No!
00:49:39Coors Light announced the launch
00:49:41of their first non-alcoholic beer,
00:49:44Coors 0.0%.
00:49:45And I love their new slogan.
00:49:47Coors 0.0.
00:49:49Get custody back.
00:49:56That's sweet.
00:49:57That's sweet.
00:49:58Police in Nebraska arrested a long-time sex offender
00:50:01known as the Cookie Monster
00:50:02after he was found naked in a boy's bedroom.
00:50:06Luckily, before he could go...
00:50:08Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
00:50:20This week, rapper Megan Thee Stallion
00:50:23and NBA player Clay Thompson broke up
00:50:25after he allegedly cheated on her
00:50:27with a number of women.
00:50:28Here to comment is SNL's Cam Patterson.
00:50:34Yeah. What up? Tell me what it do.
00:50:36Well, how do you feel about the breakup, Cam?
00:50:38Bruh, madness to hang this single.
00:50:40I'm so upset.
00:50:44Really? Because it looks like you're beaming.
00:50:45This is a smile of, uh, desperation.
00:50:48Oh, desperate. I'm sad.
00:50:51I'm worried about Meg, man.
00:50:53You-you know she had to call her
00:50:55Broadway production and Moulin Rouge?
00:50:57When I heard that news,
00:50:58I couldn't believe she was in town.
00:51:01Cam, you know very well
00:51:03you don't know what Moulin Rouge is.
00:51:05I love Moulin Rouge!
00:51:07No, you don't. It's written phonetically
00:51:09on the cards for you.
00:51:15Shut up!
00:51:17I'm just saying, who would cheat on
00:51:18Magnus Stallion? Who even is this guy?
00:51:21You don't know Clay Thompson?
00:51:23No!
00:51:24He's a world-famous pro basketball player.
00:51:26Wait a minute.
00:51:28There's a WNBA for men?
00:51:31Oh.
00:51:35What would you even call that?
00:51:37The M-NBA?
00:51:39Next you're gonna tell me
00:51:40there's a white Michael Che.
00:51:42There is.
00:51:46To me, he's not Clay.
00:51:48He's dirt.
00:51:49What Matt Stallion needs
00:51:51is a real man.
00:51:52Oh yeah, and what's a real man?
00:51:54Well, let's see.
00:51:55First off, he's probably,
00:51:57I don't know, uh, 5'8 to 5'10.
00:51:59Second, he's probably a black man.
00:52:01Because everybody knows
00:52:03black men don't cheat.
00:52:05Okay, Clay Thompson is black.
00:52:07Half black.
00:52:09It was the white half that cheated.
00:52:12Alright, well what else makes a real man?
00:52:14Well, hmm.
00:52:16He's probably gainfully employed
00:52:18in a thriving industry like, I don't know, entertainment.
00:52:21Okay.
00:52:22Maybe he works on a sketch television show.
00:52:24And he's not in many sketches,
00:52:26but he's doing okay.
00:52:30Some say he's finding his voice more every week.
00:52:39No, don't encourage it.
00:52:40That's just you, Cam.
00:52:42Huh.
00:52:43I guess it does kind of sound like me.
00:52:46So you're clearly just out here shooting your shot, huh?
00:52:49Hey!
00:52:50Shoot or shoot?
00:52:50That's what Clay Thompson did.
00:52:52So you do know who he is?
00:52:53You mean four-time NBA champion
00:52:55and the second greatest shooter of all time?
00:52:57I don't know him!
00:52:59It sounds like you do,
00:53:00and it sounds like you want to date his ex-girlfriend.
00:53:02Hey, if I have to, I will.
00:53:04I will do that.
00:53:05Megan, if you're watching,
00:53:07let me talk to you direct.
00:53:10Oh.
00:53:13Am I the man you want?
00:53:14Probably not.
00:53:16But am I the man you need?
00:53:18Also, no.
00:53:20But you've already had the best, baby.
00:53:23So why not try to rest?
00:53:24What?
00:53:25Because like I said in all those unanswered DMs.
00:53:28What's up?
00:53:30Damn!
00:53:31Fire emoji.
00:53:33You ever been to a water park?
00:53:35Heart emoji.
00:53:37Damn!
00:53:38Goddamn!
00:53:40Demon emoji.
00:53:42Let me know about that water park.
00:53:43What's up, baby?
00:53:45Kim Patterson, everybody.
00:53:48Black men don't cheat!
00:53:49For Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che.
00:53:52Black men don't cheat.
00:53:53I'm Colin Jones. Good night.
00:53:54Got an answer.
00:53:55Got an answer.
00:54:25Hello.
00:54:27Hello.
00:54:28Oh.
00:54:29Honey.
00:54:30You're still awake.
00:54:32Indeed.
00:54:33I tried to go to bed,
00:54:34but my faithful fiancé was nowhere to be found.
00:54:38Sorry.
00:54:39Dinner went long.
00:54:45Busted.
00:54:46Ten a damn clock in the morning.
00:54:48Where have you been?
00:54:49Baby, didn't you get my text?
00:54:51I was with my girlfriends,
00:54:52me and my girlfriends.
00:54:53We went dancing.
00:54:56Who?
00:54:56Me and Shonda,
00:54:59and Lisa,
00:54:59and Tina,
00:55:00plus Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler,
00:55:02and Monica was there, too.
00:55:05The last four names was from the cast of Friends.
00:55:08So, yes, they might be friends,
00:55:10but those are not your friends.
00:55:12And also...
00:55:14Also what?
00:55:15Girl, Shonda can't be dancing.
00:55:18Shonda got fake legs.
00:55:21Well, she can still clap at the bar.
00:55:25Okay, go upstairs and pack those bags.
00:55:28Baby, we ain't got no stairs.
00:55:30It's a one-bedroom apartment.
00:55:32Busted.
00:55:33We have stairs so the dog can get on the bed.
00:55:35He's a very old dog,
00:55:38and he needs a little help.
00:55:40Baby, you don't have to lie.
00:55:42You also need those stairs.
00:55:43Okay, unnecessary.
00:55:45Let's get back to the issue that's at hand.
00:55:47You're walking in this house,
00:55:49and the time is 10 p.m.
00:55:51I might be trippin',
00:55:53but that feels like a normal time.
00:55:56But I go to bed at 6 for my job that's at 9.
00:55:59Come on, baby.
00:56:01That's 15 hours.
00:56:03Well, I need my beauty sleep,
00:56:05so in the morning I can cheat.
00:56:07Damn it.
00:56:08Can't believe I said that somehow loud.
00:56:11But hold on just a second.
00:56:13How would you define cheating?
00:56:15Having sex with another person.
00:56:17Well, damn, that's what I did.
00:56:19Busted.
00:56:20I've been standing in the closet this whole time.
00:56:23I was gonna rob this house,
00:56:25but y'all taking a long time.
00:56:27And I'm tired of waiting alone,
00:56:29so I think I'll just go home.
00:56:31Busted.
00:56:32Who the hell is this woman in my couch?
00:56:34I'm the robber's wife,
00:56:37and I followed him here.
00:56:39I thought he was cheating.
00:56:41I had suspicions.
00:56:43I got these long-ass legs,
00:56:44so I be jumpin' to conclusions.
00:56:47Busted.
00:56:48Girl, you know we all been there before.
00:56:51And who the hell are you?
00:56:52And where did you come from?
00:56:54Hello.
00:56:55Hi, my name is Chris.
00:56:58I was in the closet.
00:57:00Cause I'm the robber's mistress.
00:57:02Okay, so I was right.
00:57:04I knew that I was right.
00:57:06Hello.
00:57:07My name is Curtis.
00:57:09I am the landlord.
00:57:12What is this ruckus?
00:57:13It's 10 p.m. in the night.
00:57:16I'm tryin' to eat my boiled rice.
00:57:18And when they talk to the dogs,
00:57:20y'all can't have no dogs.
00:57:22Busted.
00:57:23We're sorry.
00:57:24We're lyin' and cheatin',
00:57:26and we got a dog,
00:57:27and we're singin' at 10 p.m.
00:57:30All because I didn't trust my girl.
00:57:32Man, today guys really taught me something.
00:57:34If we don't have trust, what do we have?
00:57:37It's okay, babe.
00:57:38Cause I did cheat on you tonight
00:57:39and like a bajillion other times.
00:57:42Busted.
00:57:44Busted.
00:58:26All that I want is to know doubtedly that you just have eyes for me, could you make it clear
00:58:41all that I want is to sit here silently
00:58:49And watch movies on TV What a shame you're not here, here to witness my devotion And my endless well
00:59:04of needs I'm an anchor in the ocean, though I could never leave
00:59:14So I'm patient, you're learning Pretend it's not hurting, oh, oh
00:59:26Cause they say it's a virtue to not let good love slip away
00:59:36So I'm cool and forgiving I'll take what you're giving away
00:59:46But nothing's quite enough when I know that to get it I bet
01:00:02I have this thought When I lay in bed at night I feel trapped inside my life
01:00:15Is that a normal thing to fight back the weight Of a static lover's dread Overwhelmed, I'm under a fact
01:00:31But I still cling Cling the hope like snow on mountains
01:00:38Careless words melted away I'm a penny and a fountain
01:00:46So I'm just waiting on my luck to change So I'm patient, you're learning Pretend it's not hurting, oh, oh
01:01:02Cause they say it's a virtue to not let good love slip away
01:01:12So I'm cool and forgiving I'll take what you're giving away
01:01:23But nothing's quite enough when I know that to get it I bet
01:01:31Yeah, to get it I bet
01:02:02I bet you're on the way
01:02:03Marcy, going to 43 Bellevue Ave?
01:02:05Yep, that's me
01:02:06Sir, do you mind if we have a few sips back here?
01:02:09Oh, uh, uh, oh, yeah, do whatever you want Just, uh, you know, give me five stars
01:02:13Hell, yeah
01:02:15Hey, can you put on some music?
01:02:17Sure thing.
01:02:19Woo!
01:02:21Okay.
01:02:22We need a plan for tonight, because I feel like last time we went out, I got, like,
01:02:26kind of sloppy.
01:02:27Oh, my God.
01:02:28So sloppy.
01:02:29Promise you'll cut me off after, like, 15 drinks.
01:02:32Oh, 15.
01:02:33That's, like, a lot.
01:02:34It is?
01:02:36Well, how about this?
01:02:37Cut me off if I start jumping on people's backs and trying to ride them, because last
01:02:41time I hurt that guy.
01:02:42Yeah, well, he was in a wheelchair already.
01:02:44But, yeah.
01:02:45Yeah, he did hurt him.
01:02:46I know.
01:02:47It wasn't cute.
01:02:48Okay, but you have to promise to not let me go skinny dipping.
01:02:50I mean, that was so embarrassing at Jake's party.
01:02:52Oh, my God.
01:02:54Okay.
01:02:54But to be fair, if Jake had had a pool, it would have been fine.
01:02:57True.
01:02:58It was only embarrassing because you were just, like, kind of running around naked in
01:03:01his yard.
01:03:01Facts.
01:03:09Oh, my God.
01:03:15Okay.
01:03:15Now.
01:03:21Oh, my God.
01:03:26Yeah.
01:03:27Oh, my God.
01:03:30Oh.
01:03:31Don't be Moses on the mic, me gon' spit it.
01:03:33Me make you sweat, Juan, call me jerk chicken, brah.
01:03:51Temperature all right for you back there?
01:03:55Um, yeah.
01:04:01Uh, um, sir, what was that?
01:04:07I don't know.
01:04:09Okay, but you, like, started aggressively singing a Jamaican dance hall song, like, really loud.
01:04:17Yeah, I don't know what that was.
01:04:20I'm sorry, it just, like, came out of me.
01:04:22Wait, so you, like, made that up on the spot?
01:04:26I guess.
01:04:28I have as much information as you do.
01:04:30Can we just forget it?
01:04:33No offense, but, like, how?
01:04:35I don't know!
01:04:36Just, uh, go back to what you were talking about before.
01:04:38You were both like, eh, promise you won't let me do heroin tonight or whatever.
01:04:42That was fun.
01:04:43Go back to that.
01:04:45I don't think we can.
01:04:46It feels like things have changed.
01:04:48They don't have to, though.
01:04:50You just go back and be like, ah, don't let me do crack off some guy's butt.
01:04:54Like, that...
01:04:54That's not what we're saying.
01:04:56Why are you so mad?
01:04:58Why do you think?
01:04:59I just realized I'm one of the most talented Rasta emcees on earth.
01:05:04I don't want that for my life.
01:05:05I don't want to be a white Rasta guy.
01:05:08I don't think you have to be, sir.
01:05:10I'm afraid I do.
01:05:12You heard the song.
01:05:13You heard what I'm capable of.
01:05:14Oh, goddammit.
01:05:16Oh, I really don't want to be a white Rasta guy.
01:05:20Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't think the song was that good.
01:05:27You're sweet to say that, but I know it was.
01:05:32No, seriously, it was kind of trash.
01:05:36I wish that were true, sweetheart.
01:05:37I really do.
01:05:39It was next level.
01:05:41And I can't escape my destiny.
01:05:44Oh, my god.
01:05:45Are you going to sing again?
01:05:46I have to.
01:05:49Bum-dee-bum-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-bum-ba
01:05:52Shake your ting like a wood roller coaster
01:05:54Put it on me like you know you're a post-op
01:05:57Come beat me when you ain't.
01:06:11You never know when a break-in will happen.
01:06:16For those moments, you want a home security system you can trust.
01:06:21Safeguard.
01:06:21Help.
01:06:22There's somebody in my house.
01:06:23Okay, stay calm, ma'am.
01:06:25We're sending someone right away.
01:06:26Because any security system can catch a crime on camera.
01:06:29But will enough people see that footage to identify the suspect?
01:06:33That's why Safeguard is the first home security system
01:06:36designed to produce crime scene footage guaranteed to go viral.
01:06:40So, we're out here asking guys,
01:06:42what's your body count?
01:06:43Oh, my god.
01:06:44Um, I don't know what I should say.
01:06:46Let's see.
01:06:57Uh...
01:06:58Gay son, though, that's tough.
01:07:01Mmm, gay son.
01:07:02Totally.
01:07:03When our house got broken into,
01:07:05Safeguard immediately sent someone to ask the burglar
01:07:07if he'd ever gotten that sloppy toppy.
01:07:09The video got like 100 million views.
01:07:12He was identified immediately.
01:07:13And now he's got his own show on the Barstool Network.
01:07:16I couldn't believe how fast the TikToker got there.
01:07:19I was like, aren't they busy?
01:07:20But here's what I didn't realize.
01:07:23No.
01:07:25Safeguard gives you your choice of security plans,
01:07:27like sidewalk takes.
01:07:29So, what's your take?
01:07:30If you go on a date with a heavy woman,
01:07:32you shouldn't have to pay.
01:07:33Oh, 100% disagree.
01:07:35If she's eating, I'm treating.
01:07:37Chicken shop date.
01:07:38All right, what is this?
01:07:40You're in love with me?
01:07:42Anyone trying to steal my heart or whatever?
01:07:44And, of course, Cam Patterson crowd work.
01:07:48All right, okay, okay.
01:07:49Hey, look, hold on now.
01:07:50Who here eat ass on the first date?
01:07:52Come on, man.
01:07:52I know you do.
01:07:54Yeah, you bring that like,
01:07:55num, num, num, num, num.
01:07:57More ass, please, ma'am.
01:07:58I do be doing that.
01:07:59You know you're going to jail, right?
01:08:00Thanks, Safeguard.
01:08:02Except now people are breaking into my house
01:08:04because they want to go viral.
01:08:06Cory Booker has been here every single night.
01:08:08Because when you hear that window break
01:08:09in the middle of the night,
01:08:11you want someone you can trust.
01:08:12Someone who will show up
01:08:13someone who will ask.
01:08:15What's the craziest place
01:08:16you've ever gotten your back blown out?
01:08:18Oh, come on, man.
01:08:19My girl watching this.
01:08:20Come on.
01:08:21And, um, Target.
01:08:38Huge thank you to Aziz Ansari,
01:08:40Debbie Harry, and Connor Story.
01:08:48The best cast and crew and writers in the business.
01:08:51And I couldn't be more grateful.
01:08:52This is a true honor and a real dream come true.
01:08:54Thank you so much to Lauren.
01:08:55And, um, I will never forget this night.
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