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Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 4 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:07Why are we having a barbecue it's freezing because four days ago is really hot
00:14Let's play a drinking game. Okay, I'll stop never have I ever
00:19Kissed two boys on the same night
00:22guilty
00:24Me next never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-nazi to headline a music festival
00:33Go you said you wouldn't be
00:41Been friends with Jeffrey Epstein
00:51Is that Melania Trump I said never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
01:01What are you doing in a garden in Croydon? I am here to stop you nasty people spreading rumors about
01:08me
01:09We weren't doing that. We weren't even talking about you
01:16Are you okay? Of course not now
01:24Okay, truth or dare
01:26My goal how dare you accuse me of female friendship with short-haired sex trafficker Gislin Maxwell
01:36I think he's bringing up all the Epstein stuff
01:38Yeah, like your husband literally started a war to distract us from it. It was kind of working to refer
01:44to a lot
01:44Yeah, new game sure ads. I'll go first
01:49Is it the Epstein files?
01:53And oh look I am not in there
01:59This area has changed so much since they open that gales
02:05Look it was really nice meeting you, but we're gonna go back inside. Good idea. Let's go inside
02:12Not you you're making it weird
02:16I beg for one last chance. I have no friends since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison
02:28Fine, but this is legit your last chance diva. Okay, okay final game two truths and lie
02:34I love my new friends. I like poor people
02:39Weeple weeple
02:41And Live Outlander in Canada
02:53It's Saturday Night Live
02:58With
03:02Pam and Anna Michelle
03:08Ayoade Bamboye
03:15Larry King
03:23Fletch Briggs
03:28George Borregan
03:34Anya Magliano
03:40Annabelle Marlowe
03:45Al Nash
03:51Jackson
03:57Emma Sliddy
04:04Haley Young
04:12Musical guest Georgia Smith
04:18And co-host Jack Whitehall
04:30Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall
04:49Hello, good evening. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Jack Whitehall and I'm so excited to be your host
04:55tonight. And can I start by saying what an amazing series it has already been. SNL UK crushing it.
05:02With some amazing hosts as well. Week one they had SNL royalty. Week two they had an international sex symbol.
05:11Week three an Academy Award winner. And this week you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
05:20Oh, yeah. The stuff of dreams. SNL UK. I love that. Do you know what else I love? I love
05:26that finally we've taken one of their shows. Right?
05:31Yeah, America's had enough of ours. Yeah, they had the office, the bake-off. They had that one, the reality
05:38show my fiance loves. The one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties. Love Island. Love
05:45Island.
05:45Another one. You weren't sure about that one. It's fine. You can edit it out. No. I...
05:54This is a big deal. This is a big deal hosting this. But do you know what? It's not even
05:57the biggest thing that's going on in my life right now because next week I am genuinely getting married.
06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:03Thank you. Yeah, I really shouldn't be here. I am the groom though. That's very much a ceremonial role. I
06:11just am there to nod everything through. It has been noted. The other day my fiance turned to me, she
06:15went,
06:15Jack, in one of those meetings with the wedding planners, when they were talking to you, it was literally like
06:20they were talking to a wall.
06:21I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:26It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band. We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills
06:33as the wedding DJ.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Not seeing that deposit again.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:39Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke. That is a word right now that makes my sphincter clench.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right, these ridiculous things. It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in
06:54quill by a blind Franciscan monk.
06:57Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta, sealed with a gold ribbon
07:03and delivered to all of our guests via peacock.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06They asked me all I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they asked to bring a child.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16Nope.
07:16Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead. A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?
07:23Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs. How has it not come for the calligraphers
07:29already?
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Oh, I'll tell you how. This schmuck here!
07:38LAUGHTER
07:38Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.
07:41You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful handwriting.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48We over-invited as well.
07:50The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said,
07:53Oh, Jack, you know, sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.
07:57You couldn't have mentioned that before?
08:00LAUGHTER
08:00Where was this attitude six months ago?
08:03I don't want to see any of these people!
08:05I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic!
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.
08:13Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.
08:15I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks narrowboating down the Straits of Hormuz.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:28Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding, literally,
08:32in that the whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:40We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan.
08:42That's very stressful, right?
08:43I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two guests coming,
08:47right, and they slept together, like, years ago,
08:50and now they do not talk.
08:52I know, awkward.
08:53I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee,
08:56but my fiancée is insisting that my mum and dad sit together.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:04It's so nice to be.
09:05It's so nice to be here this evening as well,
09:07to have a little bit of a distraction.
09:09Thank you, because...
09:11Yeah.
09:13I'm going to let you into a little secret.
09:15Tonight is also the night that my fiancée is on her hen-do,
09:18so...
09:19It's really nice to be here, yeah.
09:21I'm here with you, cracking gag.
09:23She is currently in Soho, getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.
09:27Which also means that, technically, this is kind of my second stag.
09:31Oh, yeah!
09:32We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.
09:35Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music
09:38from the amazing Georgia Smith!
09:45Gary Thomas!
09:49Gary is still the highest-scoring striker ever to play for Albion,
09:53and he owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball,
09:57his old-school teacher, Ted Bagley.
10:02He probably won't recognise me, because he won't believe it's me.
10:07Hello, Gary.
10:08Long time no see.
10:11Mr Bagley?
10:13You're alive?
10:15I'm alive, he says.
10:17How are you doing?
10:19Someone said you was dead.
10:21I'm so glad.
10:22How well you've done for yourself.
10:26You're so supportive.
10:27You're kind of like having his...
10:28kind of like your special guy.
10:31Hello, Gary.
10:34Mrs Todd?
10:37So so handsome.
10:38Well, not as sprightly as he used to be, but still going.
10:42Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher
10:45for a couple of weeks when Munch showed your hands
10:47was helping the police with their enquiries.
10:49But we're all so proud of Gary.
10:51Oh!
10:57Hello?
10:58Gary, son.
11:01Dad!
11:02No, I haven't looked definitely dead.
11:04Not yet, boy.
11:06That's all you learned into the cred.
11:08No, man.
11:08I was never in there.
11:11I left his mother.
11:13We agreed it were better.
11:15He thought I was dead.
11:17I'd only moved two streets over.
11:24Hello, Gary.
11:26My God.
11:29Here's the jugger I hit on that misty country lane.
11:33But I couldn't show up with a brick before I fled to sing.
11:36They ended up sticking a metal plate in me bonce.
11:39I can't believe it.
11:42I love that free kick you scored against Watford.
11:48Oh, right, mate.
11:55Dobby.
11:56Master Gary.
11:57I thought he was both dead as well.
12:03I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.
12:10Come on, Gary George.
12:13Come on, Gary George.
12:22All right, lads.
12:23You hear that?
12:24There's 50,000 people counting on us.
12:26Let's get fired up.
12:29Three points, boys.
12:30Are we going to do it?
12:31We got this.
12:32Let's score goals and have them score no goals.
12:34All right, hey, guys.
12:36Hey, guys.
12:37I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.
12:40Now, these are our lucky competition winners.
12:42Say hello to the boys.
12:44Hello.
12:45Yeah.
12:46All right.
12:46Now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd, I'll take you to Mum and Dad,
12:50okay?
12:52Thanks, lads.
12:52You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.
12:55All right.
12:55Stay for the badge.
12:56All right, lads.
12:57Let's do this.
12:57Let's go!
12:59Hey, guys.
13:00Quick question before we go out.
13:01Yes, Jonesy.
13:02Does anyone want to swap kids?
13:10What do you mean swap kids?
13:13Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of your kids.
13:18I don't like my one.
13:22I mean, what's wrong with your one?
13:24Well, look, something's off about it.
13:27They're just kids, man. Let's get out there and play.
13:29Yeah, but that's the thing, though.
13:31I feel like if I walk out there with this one, I'm going to play badly.
13:35That's ridiculous. Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?
13:37Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?
13:39No one's swapping kids.
13:42That's easy for you to say. You got a good one.
13:44Leave it!
13:45This is the derby! No distraction!
13:48Yeah, but no distraction.
13:49This is so unfair!
13:51Last week when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't say anything.
13:55And then I played really badly, so this time I'm speaking up.
13:59Oh, my God, Sid.
14:00Maybe we should just swap out of kids.
14:02Are you serious?
14:05Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there!
14:08Fine, but just so you know, this is ridiculous.
14:10Right, okay.
14:11There you go.
14:15There! Happy?
14:17Thank you, I really appreciate it.
14:19Okay, ready lads?
14:20We're ready, let's go!
14:21Actually, no.
14:22What?
14:23Oh!
14:23This one's worse.
14:25Are you serious right now?
14:26Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
14:28Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.
14:32Couldn't tell from far away.
14:34Alright, well, I'm not swapping back if that's what you're asking.
14:36Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.
14:38You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker and got away with it.
14:41Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
14:43Uh, hang on, bro.
14:44Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?
14:47Hey, that's not on!
14:48Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
14:50Alright, so what have I did?
14:51I'm a captain, I stand at the front, I should get one of the best kids!
14:53No!
14:56Guys, guys, this is getting toxic.
14:58We need a random reshuffle of the kids.
15:00And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best one I've had all season.
15:04What are you talking about?
15:05You always get the good ones, I always get the bad kids.
15:07That's not true!
15:09Guys, guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley.
15:12We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.
15:15But, if you got Man of the Match the week before, and you weren't happy with your first kids, you
15:20were allowed for one to redraw.
15:22Yeah, alright.
15:22It sounds alright.
15:23Guys, guys, guys, listen to yourselves.
15:27This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?
15:30They might have a favourite player.
15:31Could really make their day.
15:32Shut up!
15:33Are you stupid?
15:34I vote for the Burnley system.
15:36Right, Burnley system it is!
15:38I'll get a hat.
15:39Start the game without me!
16:16Hello, and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.
16:20I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.
16:25Let's welcome our first contender.
16:36Your name?
16:37Ben Michael.
16:38Your occupation?
16:40Something in IT.
16:42And your specialist subject?
16:45Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection to.
16:50That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything about everyone.
16:56In two minutes, your time starts now.
16:59Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?
17:03Peggy and Len.
17:06Yes.
17:07Why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?
17:09She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.
17:14Yes.
17:15Whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving instructor think they saw?
17:19Nick Knowles.
17:22Yes.
17:22And for a bonus point, what was he eating?
17:24Chicken from his jacket pocket.
17:27Yes.
17:27In 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what white liquid?
17:32Out of date sun cream?
17:34No.
17:35No, no, no.
17:36Mayonnaise.
17:38Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?
17:41Because his gout flare-up means he currently can't wear shoes.
17:44Yes.
17:45What's this?
17:47I know this.
17:48What is that?
17:49That is Lin's post-op scar?
17:51No.
17:51Joe from number 17's brand new patio.
17:55I knew that.
17:56Who died last week?
17:58Jillian of Gary and Jillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.
18:03Yes.
18:03And for a bonus point, what from?
18:05Oh, mum did tell me that.
18:06Uh, sorry, pass.
18:09What noise has Miriam Martin's air fryer started making?
18:15Um...
18:18No, it's...
18:23On Tuesday, what piece of information did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?
18:27That Pat has a new gate.
18:28Yes.
18:33Why is Raul, the tree surgeon, divorcing his wife?
18:35Because she cheated on him.
18:37I need you to be more specific.
18:39With a very tall woman.
18:42I'll accept that.
18:45In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?
18:48Uh, Las Iguanas?
18:50No, Turtle Bay.
18:52Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?
18:54Uh, Angela from next door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's sister's friend Gary Fulcher.
18:59Hey!
19:00That's me!
19:03Yes, according to her doctor,
19:05I've started so I'll finish,
19:07who has a rare glandular condition that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.
19:13Angie from the co-op.
19:15Yes, Sven, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass.
19:18The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.
19:22Yeah, sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.
19:26That's why you must always listen to mummy.
19:32Thank you. Our next contender, please.
19:42Your name?
19:43Polly Holton.
19:44Your occupation?
19:45Er, something else in IT.
19:47And your specialist subject?
19:49Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.
20:01Dad, I go into art school.
20:04What's that got to do with World War II?
20:07Struggling to connect with your dad?
20:09You're not alone.
20:10Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect with.
20:15They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.
20:18But have you ever wondered if maybe you just got the wrong one?
20:23Introducing Dad Swap.
20:25Dad Swap.
20:26Using an advanced algorithm, Dad Swap takes your hobbies and passions and matches you...
20:32...with a brand new dad.
20:35Bonjour! New son!
20:40While rehoming your dad with someone more his speed.
20:45My dad didn't know how to raise a girl.
20:47But Steve does.
20:48Don't you, Steve?
20:50I'm a girl dad now.
20:53I'm a punk rocker.
20:54But all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was Vossa Nova.
20:57Thanks to Dad Swap, I found the punk daddy just for me.
21:05My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.
21:08But now, thanks to Dad Swap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.
21:17One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings for your new dad.
21:24We both love to paint.
21:26We've got so much to talk about.
21:28And now, we're engaged!
21:33I mean, they're both adults.
21:35They're not related.
21:37So, technically, it is allowed.
21:39It's not just gay dads.
21:41I'm also dating my new dad.
21:44It's not illegal.
21:45I know!
21:46I said, it's technically allowed.
21:49But I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.
21:55I do understand how this has happened.
21:58Obviously, a man has just moved into your house.
22:01You're both emotionally vulnerable.
22:03He's got all the same hobbies as you.
22:04He's just left his wife.
22:06You're spending more and more time together.
22:10I've invested so much money in this app.
22:14I've absolutely f***ed it.
22:17I downloaded Dad Swap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.
22:21That's not a dad.
22:23That's a boyfriend.
22:25There's other apps for doing that.
22:26This one is for swapping dads.
22:30Dad Swap.
22:31If it happens, it happens.
22:33It's not illegal.
22:34I know!
22:46Here we are on the 18th hole.
22:49You could cut the tension with a knife.
22:52We're not whispering.
22:53This is just as loud as our voices can go.
22:57If you're joining us at the Masters, we're at the end of a marathon playoff between Ian Conner and Sven
23:02Nielsen.
23:02Ian Conner is just one putt away from his first Masters title.
23:08Here goes.
23:14And he's finally done it.
23:17Look how much it means to him.
23:18Amazing.
23:20And here comes his wife.
23:22Look at the emotion.
23:25Oh.
23:26And a lovely little kiss there.
23:28Beautiful scenes.
23:29Here comes his trusty caddy Bruce Atkins.
23:32They've been together for years.
23:34It's lovely.
23:35And oh.
23:37Looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.
23:39Fantastic scenes.
23:41And here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent.
23:42He fought so valiantly today a true competitor.
23:44Big handshake there.
23:46What a gentleman.
23:47Oh.
23:47Yeah.
23:48Solidly kissed for him too.
23:49What sportsmanship.
23:50Amazing scenes.
23:51And here comes Sven's wife.
23:53Oh.
23:54Yeah.
23:54It looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.
23:56And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green.
24:00And she's...
24:01Yeah.
24:02She's sharing a little kiss with her husband's opponent.
24:04But will the wives go in for a kiss too?
24:06Yeah.
24:06Oh.
24:08They will.
24:08Yes.
24:09Yes.
24:09And now they're...
24:09Oh.
24:10Yeah.
24:10They're all sharing little kisses with each other.
24:12This is what golf is all about.
24:15The last thing that is here is electric.
24:18Oh.
24:19And what's happening now is that...
24:20Yeah.
24:21It looks like they're all swapping keys.
24:23Wow.
24:24That's a big step for any polycule.
24:26Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.
24:29Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.
24:32And...
24:33Oh.
24:33Yeah.
24:33It looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony.
24:36Promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.
24:41What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.
24:44Couldn't have said it better myself.
24:46Oh.
24:46And what's happening now?
24:49I think that...
24:50Yeah.
24:50They have.
24:51They've ordered a super king size mattress that they can all sleep on together.
24:55That's the biggest mattress size you can get.
24:58Amazing scenes.
24:58Yeah.
24:59And you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement.
25:01Boy, girl, boy, girl.
25:02Boy, girl.
25:02Absolutely.
25:03They're watching Masters at work.
25:05Then they're signing for the package.
25:07And...
25:08Oh.
25:08Yeah.
25:08Now he's giving Leslie down a little kiss.
25:11Oh.
25:12Here come the wives.
25:13They're showing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.
25:17Oh.
25:17But whoa.
25:18Looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.
25:22Unprecedented scenes.
25:23And...
25:24Oh.
25:24It looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian that he's being replaced
25:28in the polycule by the delivery guy.
25:33Golf can be such a cruel sport.
25:37It truly can.
25:39It truly, truly can.
25:41And...
25:42Oh.
25:42What's this?
25:43It looks like Ian's taking his phone out.
25:45I think he's...
25:46Yep.
25:46He's getting back on the apps.
25:50Yeah.
25:51And...
25:51Can you blame him?
25:52After the day he's had.
25:53First he bogeyed the fifth hole.
25:55Then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.
25:58Oh.
25:59What's this?
26:00Looks like he's found a match.
26:01You're right.
26:02Is that?
26:02It is.
26:03It's Bruce Atkins.
26:04His old caddy.
26:06Amazing.
26:07Those two have so much to do together.
26:09But finally they can consummate their unspoken love.
26:14What a day.
26:18What a day of golf we have witnessed.
26:21It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life can be right underneath your nose.
26:26Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years.
26:29But you can't bring yourself to say anything for fear of rejection.
26:33Well I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated.
26:36And the other person is just waiting for the first person to make a move.
26:52Well that's it for the golf today.
26:54Join us next week for the LIV tournament in Saudi Arabia where we won't be invited.
26:58Good night.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.
27:25One song.
27:26Lets jump in.
27:27There's a beat as my heart.
27:29I didn't hope that you'd be here tonight.
27:36Saw you where it came, then it was feeling fine.
27:44Nothing was shared, it was all in your eyes.
27:48Oh, oh, oh
27:51And I get close
27:53Even for just one time
27:58It's the little things that get me high
28:02Won't you come with me and spend the night
28:05Just a little bit for you and I
28:09Just miss a feeling that's alright
28:12It's the little things that get me high
28:16Won't you come with me and spend the night
28:19Just a little bit for you and I
28:23Just miss a feeling that's alright
28:27With you is such a sweet escape
28:30So if we leave we'll let anybody know too
28:35If you don't wanna play these games
28:37Just tell me what you need and we can go there
28:41Only for the weekend
28:43I just stepped up with my friend
28:45Don't tell me that you're leaving
28:48Think I came at the right time
28:50Do you know what's on my mind
28:52Can you stay for the evening?
28:55It's the little things that get me high
28:59Won't you come with me and spend the night
29:02Just a little bit for you and I
29:06And if it's meant to be then that's alright
29:09It's the little things that get me high
29:13Won't you come with me and keep me going
29:16Just a little bit for you and I
29:20And if it's meant to be then that's alright
29:24It's the little things that get me high
29:26And keep me going
29:27Just a little bit of you and I
29:29Nobody knows it
29:31Just a little bit for you and I
29:34Just a little bit of you and I
29:36Nobody knows it
29:38It's the little things that get me high
29:40And keep me going
29:41Just a little bit of you and I
29:44Nobody knows it
29:45Nobody knows it
29:45Just a little bit of you and I
29:48Just a little bit of you and I
29:51Nobody knows it
29:52What time is it when the party starts?
29:55I don't know it
29:56I don't know it
29:58I don't know it
30:00I don't know it
30:01I don't know it
30:02I don't know it
30:03I don't know it
30:06I don't know it
30:07I don't know it
30:09I don't know it
30:09I don't know it
30:11I don't know it
30:13I don't know it
30:14I don't know it
30:16I don't know it
30:18I don't know it
30:19I don't know it
30:20I don't know it
30:21I don't know it
30:22I don't know it
30:23I don't know it
30:23I don't know it
30:23I don't know it
30:24I don't know it
31:24And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:29Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week, just in time for the evening do of
31:36the Iran war.
31:37Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube, was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters.
31:45And after spending three days with Keir Starmer, they might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.
31:55Due to security constraints, Starmer was only able to travel with a small number of journalists, or what the Saudi
32:02crown prince would call a suitcase full.
32:06In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes, which is a useful reminder to put
32:14your phone away and just enjoy missile strikes in the moment.
32:20Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Peter Mandelson, seen here connecting his cock to Bluetooth, has been fined
32:29ÂŁ300 for urinating in public.
32:38This morning, the Artemis 2 mission returned to Earth.
32:43Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote,
32:54President Donald Trump managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week, while they were on the other
33:03side of the moon.
33:04So remember girls, if he wanted to, he would.
33:09Artemis 2 splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean.
33:12It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community, and the darkest day in our history by the pod
33:18of dolphins it smashed into.
33:23Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches after, quote,
33:28showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.
33:31Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.
33:36The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive,
33:40we have the winner of the race with us in the studio, it's Paul Townend!
33:48Hello, everyone. Good evening.
33:51Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win. What was it like out there?
33:55Well, to be fair, tough race for me.
33:57First couple of fences I found tricky, but after a few furlongs, I pushed through and took the trophy.
34:09Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?
34:12Hi. Can we help you?
34:14No, it's weird, I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the Grand National,
34:18and then I turn up, and you're chatting to this free-riding prick.
34:22Sorry, who are you?
34:24My name's I am Maximus, right? The horse that actually won the Grand National.
34:28No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.
34:31The absolute cheek is this guy.
34:33What exactly did you contribute?
34:35I'm 6% body fat, I can run at 35 miles an hour, I got a dick like a Pringles
34:39tube, by the way.
34:41So, what was your skill set again? Oh, yes, being four foot nine.
34:44How dare you!
34:45How dare you!
34:46Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.
34:53Well, I worked hard, too. It's grueling. I sprained my elbow.
34:59Oh, yeah, you sprained your elbow, and what happened?
35:01They'd cubby up in a white tent and shoot you? Yeah, I thought not.
35:05That's standard practice.
35:07Standard practice? You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?
35:10You don't know what it's like out there, man.
35:13Brutal heat, scary jumps, not to mention, you're with me.
35:16I told you, I wasn't into that. I made my boundaries very clear.
35:21Nay means nay.
35:26Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.
35:29I didn't know you felt that way.
35:31Is there anything I can do?
35:34Let me ride you.
35:37What?
35:38Let me ride you.
35:42Here, live on Sky TV, and stream the next day on Peacock.
35:49Yeah, let me know the thrill of commanding another.
35:53Okay, just this once.
35:55Get on.
35:59How's it feel?
36:01Good, yeah.
36:03Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?
36:05We ride!
36:06The incredible winners, everyone!
36:15Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85.
36:20That and having been in a band called The Beatles.
36:25New research from Oxford University has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat
36:31that is otherwise invisible to the human eye.
36:35Who do you think you are?
36:36My mum!
36:39Controversial US surveillance firm Palantir has been given access to details of one and a half million
36:45NHS employees.
36:47It's insane!
36:48Giving the keys to our health system to Palantir, a sinister military contractor with links to the CIA,
36:54which makes billions profiting from targeting systems for drone strikes, is such a great idea.
37:03I love Palantir.
37:05Palantir, driving productivity across the UK through AI-powered software.
37:12Steve...
37:18Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough,
37:23has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.
37:28Well done, Steve. Here's your medication.
37:33What time is it? It's prison time!
37:38That's right! X-Factors Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.
37:43After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote, but will he impress the judges?
37:51In a new effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban
37:57the night-time use of automatic lawn mowers, or as German hedgehogs call them,
38:02Nachtkunst.
38:04The Welsh town of Ebu Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to the annoyance of its mayor.
38:11These labels don't help us. They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he said fatly.
38:18Italian researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin,
38:22the linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have been buried.
38:25Their findings reveal traces of DNA, including those of cats and carrots.
38:31Feline companions and root vegetables. So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.
38:38A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation. Well, yeah, that's how boats work.
38:47Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in Banbury.
38:53The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.
38:58Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.
39:05On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off their one billion dollar world tour,
39:10on the back of their hit single, Swim.
39:13But my question is,
39:31Don't ask me.
39:32I'm not really into K-pop.
39:42A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.
39:47Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondents, Annabelle Marlowe and Jackson!
39:56Hi, Paddy.
39:57Hi. What the hell is going on with Gen Z?
40:00It's simple. Every Friday night, Gen Z like to huff a little boo and show a little nip.
40:11And that's Gen Z.
40:12Ugh.
40:13Let's break it down for him. On Friday, we go to Hyde Park in Leeds, split the G and practice
40:19our bird noises.
40:20Sean, girl, ow, ow, ow, ow!
40:24Gen Z love making sound effects. Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.
40:29Show them, girl!
40:41And Annabelle does a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo.
40:51Ow, ow, ow!
40:53But why did Gen Z like sound effects?
40:55Because we're expressing our gender, of course.
40:57Gen Z loves gender.
40:59I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire Weekend fan.
41:05And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.
41:10So, sorry, instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?
41:14Well, they're going to the black and white pictures. Roll out the cup and have a little cigarette.
41:22And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights.
41:26And wrongs.
41:27I'll tell you what's gay wrong, these titties.
41:31It sounds like maybe it's just you two.
41:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
41:36I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this.
41:40Gen Z love to hop a little glue, show a little nip, and call in a bomb threat.
41:48I still don't get what Gen Z like.
41:50I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch.
41:54We love the music of Steely Dan, Catra in the Rye, and the work of character actor Bob Hoskins.
42:01Oh, the Long Good Friday, now that was a key.
42:03Eh, eh, eh.
42:04We love doing that noise, too.
42:06Keep it up, guys.
42:08I think I get it now.
42:09Gen Z like to half-glue, show-nip, bomb threat.
42:13Jack Sheppard, Honorable Mollo, everyone!
42:23Weekend Monday, I'm Paddy O.
42:25And I'll give you a round of good night.
42:48Weekend Monday, I'm Paddy O.
43:01Darling, that was the most perfect evening.
43:04And now the kids are asleep, it's about to get even better.
43:07Happy anniversary, Wendy.
43:09Happy anniversary, my love.
43:12Well, well, well.
43:15If Wendy, darling, hasn't found herself another lost boy.
43:20Oh, my God, Peter, is that you?
43:22Surprise!
43:24Did you miss me?
43:25Clearly not, because you've never bloody called.
43:29Who's this pirate?
43:32Captain Can't Grow a Beard.
43:34He's not a pirate, Peter, he's my husband.
43:37Oh, wow.
43:38What does husband do?
43:40Professional loser?
43:43I'm a neurosurgeon.
43:45Great.
43:46Neurosurgeon.
43:47Tell me this, mate.
43:48Can you fly?
43:50Hmm, no.
43:51Didn't think so.
43:53Hold my beer.
43:55To the skies!
44:01That's a stupid place to have put that.
44:04Hey, who is this?
44:06I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood.
44:08Hey.
44:09Relax, chief.
44:10I'm just an old flame.
44:12Wendy and I used to, uh, go all the way to moaning back in the day, if you know what
44:16I mean.
44:18Sex.
44:19Yes, we got that.
44:20What are you doing here, Peter?
44:22Well, I just popped by, didn't I?
44:24To let you know that I am crushing it.
44:27Yeah, and what exactly are you crushing?
44:29Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.
44:33Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover and come with me?
44:39Let us fly!
44:40Oh, God, no.
44:42Oh, oh!
44:44Oh, God.
44:45Okay.
44:46Don't worry, I'll pay for that.
44:49Peter, you've really got to go.
44:51It's been 40 years.
44:51I'm married.
44:52I've got children.
44:53Yeah, I know.
44:54That's great.
44:55Because I've got a girlfriend too, so...
44:58Do you?
44:58No.
45:03Oh, God, you're really not doing well.
45:06No, I'm not.
45:08Neverland sucks now.
45:10The Lost Boys got found.
45:13Smee got long COVID.
45:17Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans.
45:20Oh, oh, Peter.
45:22Whoa, oh, my God, what are you doing?
45:24Sorry, my bad.
45:26That one's on me, I misjudged that.
45:27You need to leave now.
45:28Okay, fine.
45:29Yes, I'm leaving.
45:30I've got things to do anyway.
45:32Because, as I said, crushing it.
45:35Sure you don't want to come with me?
45:37Nope, that's fine.
45:38Didn't want you anyway.
45:39Airborne!
45:40Oh, jeez.
45:41Oh, no, please.
45:41Oh, no, please.
45:46Oh.
45:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
45:50Maybe I'll just take the stairs.
45:55Love you.
45:56Oh, fuck.
45:58Oh, God, I'm so sorry about him.
46:01Listen, those days are in the past.
46:03There's no one I'd rather be with than you.
46:05Don't worry about it.
46:06We've all got weird exes.
46:08Happy anniversary, Wendy.
46:10Happy anniversary, love.
46:11Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?
46:14Of course not.
46:16Now, where were we?
46:17Hmm, where were we?
46:20Just checking.
46:22Room for a little one?
46:24Oh, go on.
46:26Let's fly!
46:33Welcome back to Cooling Down a Hill with Helen Birch.
46:38I'm Helen Birch.
46:43Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no
46:49means a fan of the renaming of this program.
46:52It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view the program needn't have been retitled
46:59to reflect that fact.
47:01So, I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its original title for the first
47:0714 series.
47:08That's Helen Birch's Birch's of St. Helens.
47:12Now, on with the program.
47:22We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly into Haddock Village proper, which is just
47:29beyond the brow of this hill.
47:31And here's a lovely birch I found.
47:34Oh, no.
47:34Wait, wait, wait, no!
48:00Once again, Georgia Smith.
48:16I'm not afraid to die today
48:20I could have chose somebody else to love
48:28Give me the gun
48:30I'll take the blame
48:32And cover up
48:34Yeah, like a shade of blood
48:41I'll feel the rain
48:43And turn the pain
48:45Into coal
48:49And that's just the price of it all
49:02That's just the price of it all
49:15If it's an old
49:17If it's an old
49:17If it's an old
49:18If it's an old
49:19Through the rise and fall
49:21I know I can pretend
49:24That this will never end
49:27If in the end we die
49:30In our hearts
49:32Won't pass us the price of it all
49:40It's safe to say
49:42That I've ignored the warnings
49:46You're treacherous, impetuous, your cultures
49:52I'll take your hand
49:54I'll take your hand
49:55And close my eyes
49:56A parody
49:57A paradise
49:59In love
50:01Oh, no
50:04I'll afford the rain
50:06And turn this pain
50:10Into coal
50:38It's burning to the ground
50:42I'm losing what I've found
50:45There's heaven in my heart
50:48There's damage in my hand
50:51It's giving you my hope
50:54These hearts out
50:56That's just the price of it all
51:27I'll be right back at home
51:36Oh, darling, how I wish we didn't live in the 1930s
51:40so that I could be lesbian and you could be a gay.
51:44Thank goodness we married one another.
51:47This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret
51:51while still falling in with polite society.
51:54I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother.
51:57Perhaps she might suspect us.
51:59No, you mustn't fret, Judith.
52:00She'll be none the wiser, providing we remain subtle and discreet.
52:04Well, soil my knickers!
52:07What happened?
52:09Henry!
52:10Oh!
52:11Oh!
52:12Robert, you big nancy!
52:14Excuse my appearance, I slept in a graveyard.
52:18Mind if I sit, my shoes are filled with blood.
52:23Robert, who might this curious character be?
52:26Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin.
52:31Cousin?
52:32Huh!
52:32Do that with your cousin, do you?
52:361930s cocaine!
52:371930s cocaine!
52:41Robert and I met last year at the Glass Slipper.
52:43One minute we're doing the quick step.
52:45Next thing you know, we're stepping quickly into each other's holes!
52:50Hey, please, I told you about my wife!
52:54Judith!
52:54Oh, please, I can spot a lesbo from a mile away.
52:58Love the dress, pal.
53:01Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz.
53:04By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine!
53:11Robert, he's going to give us away!
53:13Your mother will have you arrested!
53:15He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down.
53:19Oh, cake!
53:20Oh, fine!
53:21I won't have a thing for dinner, though!
53:24My prey, he doesn't make a scene!
53:28Henry, please!
53:30If you put the cake down, we'll cut you a slice!
53:36He's not even sleeping on anything!
53:43Phew!
53:44I'll just eat this cake behind this door!
53:47Robert!
53:49Well, look lively.
53:51Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?
53:53Oh, mother!
53:54Yes, sorry.
53:55This is Judith, my wife.
53:57Who my intercourse.
53:59Ah, yes.
54:00the mysterious Judith. Rather a plain thing, isn't she? Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey.
54:09But still, good solid hips.
54:13Thank you, Mrs. Fernwick.
54:15I suppose I could approve.
54:19Oh, mother, really? That's simply...
54:21Did anyone see the thing with the cake?
54:23Oh, great! Robert, do you know this man?
54:27Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life.
54:30Just ignore him, Mrs. Fernwick. Young lady, when I desire your opinion, I'll be sure to give your head a
54:35good firm slap until one comes tumbling out your ears.
54:38Okay, I'm laughing.
54:39I don't do jokes.
54:41Well, darling, it seems your son does.
54:44Hey, now I like you.
54:45We're bonding, we're hugely bonding.
54:47Henry, please! I'm trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother, and it was all going rather well
54:53until you minced in here, so would you please kindly piss off?
54:56Robert! This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met. You'd do well to find yourself a girl
55:05like him.
55:05But what about my tiny wife?
55:08Yes!
55:09What about Judith?
55:11Ruth Ethel!
55:13How's Tricks, doll?
55:18Um, Ethel is my cousin.
55:21Do that with your cousin, do you?
55:23Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
55:27Give me a call when you lose the fruit.
55:30He is! He is a fruit!
55:33Listen, have you gals ever tried 1930s cocaine?
55:38Well, that went better than expected!
55:55Yes!
55:58My biggest thanks, ladies and gentlemen, to Georgia Smith, and a huge thank you to this incredible cast, all the
56:05amazing writers, and everyone that is working on this incredible show.
56:09Thank you so much, it's been such a treat to host you this week.
56:13Tune in for the next episode of SNL UK on the 25th of April.
56:17Thank you very much!
56:19Good night!
56:19Thank you very much!
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