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Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 2 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:03In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting.
00:10This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing.
00:22Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could.
00:25Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent and morally offstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:55Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles.
00:59But still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:17I see.
01:18Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:42Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:50Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious paedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:07Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:11And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:14Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:32I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:50I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maddelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddelson.
03:12The most honourable ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:39Sorry, I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:02I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:06Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember...
04:26Your Highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:46Good man, good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:50Gentlemen, thank you.
04:52And say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say...
05:00Live from London, it's Monday!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:18Hammond Anemachand!
05:25Ayawase Bamboye!
05:32Larry Dean!
05:39Celeste Briggs!
05:45George Boracan!
05:51Anya Magliano!
05:57Annabelle Marlow!
06:03Al Nash!
06:08Jack Sheff!
06:14Emma Screedy!
06:22Paddy Young!
06:29Musical guest, Wolf Allen!
06:35And your host, Jamie Dornan!
06:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dornan!
07:04Thank you, thank you!
07:07Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here as the first ever host of SNL UK, since the
07:14first ever host of SNL UK.
07:16My name is Jamie Dornan, I am the star of The Fall, the Oscar-winning film Belfast, and of course,
07:26your auntie's favourite dreams.
07:29Now, over the years, you know, it's fair to say, you've all seen a lot of me, and by that
07:36I mean my arse.
07:39But there is another part of me that you've not seen.
07:44So tonight, I've decided to follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way.
07:55But I will reveal something far more intimate about myself, because I'm not just a sex symbol who looks sexy
08:03in everything he does.
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks.
08:10That look like potatoes.
08:13Bring them out boys, come on.
08:21There are my girls.
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things.
08:27And no, this isn't a joke.
08:31God knows I wish it was.
08:35And if you Google Jamie Dornan potato rocks, you'll see that I'm telling the truth.
08:42Trust me, this is real.
08:44I look for these when I'm on holiday.
08:47I mean, this one looks exactly like a chip.
08:56You know, people say, well, you can't care that much, because you've only got five.
09:01But that's wrong.
09:02If I cared less, I'd have way more.
09:04My standards are like very, very high.
09:08Like, take this one for example.
09:10Can we get a close-up on this?
09:12I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:19Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?
09:22Not me, you rocks suck.
09:24I think they're suck.
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice.
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me, your greatest enemy and personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah, couldn't help but notice that you're showing off your spud rocks again.
09:49You pebble slag.
09:53Seriously, Chris, I mean, do you really have to turn up in the middle of everything I do and ruin
09:57it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Well, it seems that maybe I do have to do that, Jamie.
10:03Uh, OK, um, I don't really, I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have everything.
10:14Maybe you're missing a little something.
10:20You swapped one of my rocks for a potato?
10:22Yes, I did do that for some reason.
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it.
10:33I'm not, I'm not going to smell it.
10:34Smell my spud, darn it.
10:40Yeah, that's right, it's not even Irish.
10:44Just domestic slop.
10:47OK, right, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to deal with this.
10:49Uh, we've got a great one for you tonight.
10:51Wolf Alas are here.
10:52So stick around.
10:53Enjoy the show.
10:54Right, come on down, give me.
10:55God, come on down.
11:05Hola, amigos.
11:07We out here in Bristol Airport, and we are going to Hispania.
11:12The most beautiful place in the world.
11:14A country of art, culture, and culinary delights.
11:18And when we get there, there's only one place we're going to go.
11:23Wow.
11:27So the British team.
11:28Pup, pup, pup, pup.
11:30Just like Britain but in Spain, it's the British team.
11:33Pup, pup, pup, pup.
11:35It's run by Gary and Jane.
11:37It's the British team.
11:38Pup, pup, pup, pup.
11:40New girls are shooting their frame at the British team.
11:42Pup, pup, pup, pup.
11:45Yeah.
11:46It's the British team.
11:47I know a place that I gotta get to.
11:50Package holiday, flying jet two.
11:52Three Euro beer, two Euro shot.
11:54It's just like that pub by my house but hot.
11:57Alicante, Mallorca, and Benidorm.
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form.
12:02In your purple shirt, in my carry-on.
12:04So everybody knows I'm awesome from where they are from.
12:08Everything we need.
12:09Menus we can read.
12:10On a big screen.
12:11They've got West Ham leaves.
12:13Come on, boss.
12:14Lexington while we brexit in the Spanish in my lexicon.
12:16I'm wearing a sombrero even though DC's a Mexican.
12:19I met a last week first and I was six and no protection.
12:21Make a bunch of babies, bring them back to the British team.
12:24Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup.
12:26We're in the Mediterranean.
12:28Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup.
12:31And we don't speak Spanian.
12:34They import the walkers in my little pie here.
12:37That's where the pork is.
12:38HB, Rochester got all the sauces.
12:41Menu so extravagant I'm having four courses.
12:43Eggs and chips.
12:44Pasta and chips.
12:45Fish, fingers and a frozen garlic bread.
12:47And I've been raised.
12:48Neal damn it trippy at playing the hits.
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hits.
12:53Oh, we're going to Ibiza.
12:56Me and all my chicas.
12:58To eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know the British teams.
13:02Pup, pup, pup, pup.
13:05I'm playing darts with Tara.
13:06A British team.
13:07Pup, pup, pup, pup.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:22I don't know what you're saying.
13:24I don't know what you're saying.
13:25I don't know what you're saying.
13:31What the f*** are you talking about?
13:33Don't just make up words.
13:34Guys, this isn't right. We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:40Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right. We're too narrow-minded. There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:47Hey.
13:49I know, Chris.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the overseas.
14:00Go, go, go, go.
14:02Only thing better than a British is an Irish-themed pub, pub, pub, pub, pub, pub.
14:07Even though they are quite similar, Irish-themed pub.
14:10Come on, you sexy mamas. I got the Irish tapas.
14:12Got no potatoes, Travis, but I got the plain potatoes.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella, I've never tried paella, but I'm a lucky fella,
14:18because I own an Irish-themed pub in Spain.
14:51I've got Amy.
14:54I've got Amy.
15:02Do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What?
15:07What?
15:08Hi, sorry.
15:12It's just, we haven't really been saying girlfriend-boyfriend.
15:20But I'm really comfortable with, like, everything else you've said so far.
15:23Shut up. I'm warning you.
15:30I've got Amy.
15:31She's alive.
15:32And if you want to see your friend...
15:34Oh, no. Sorry.
15:38Just to clarify, we are seeing each other, like, he's practically my boyfriend.
15:46Um...
15:47Yeah, you got it. You go.
15:48Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:53I've got Amy.
15:54She's alive.
15:55God, it would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.
16:05Okay, so, you're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah, so basically, we...
16:12We were friends first, um, and then we had this kiss,
16:15but it was just this, like, drunk thing, like, we didn't even speak about it,
16:18which is, like, crazy.
16:20Like, you would have thought, like, I'd have the confidence to, like, just bring it up,
16:23but, like, I'm not an extrovert like what everyone thinks, like...
16:27Like, I'm hesitant to join a conga line, for God's sake.
16:31So, yeah, then, like, a few weeks later, we, um, we randomly slept together,
16:36and then we just, like, kept sleeping together,
16:37and then you put me in the boot of your car, and now we're here,
16:39so, like, what would you decide now?
16:46Listen.
16:48When I was watching you,
16:50both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door,
16:55I thought you looked really comfortable together.
17:00Oh, my God!
17:00Oh, my God!
17:02Girl, thank you for saying, um...
17:05Like, I don't know, like, we do know each other intimately,
17:09and, like, like, I could describe his handwriting to you.
17:13Oh, my God!
17:15I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so upset.
17:18No, of course.
17:19I mean, this is an intense situation.
17:21I've got a gun.
17:23I know I should just, like, not care, but, like, he's so fit, like...
17:27He's like a fit version of you.
17:30Yeah, I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me twice.
17:32You know, I saw him when I was creeping on you.
17:37Okay, like, you can, like, totally say if this is crazy, obviously,
17:41but, like, do you think there's a way you could ask him where his head's at?
17:49Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway, so, of course!
17:52Oh!
17:53Um, just send it on my phone.
17:57Oh, I probably should have taken that off you before, huh?
18:01So, I'll text him?
18:03Um, no, we're not married, just Instagram DM.
18:05Oh.
18:11I have Amy.
18:12I need to know.
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean, what are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like, do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that, I'll send through the demands.
18:36Oh, my God!
18:37I feel so nervous!
18:38I know, like, what if he airs me?
18:40Oh!
18:41Hey, if he won't pay, if he won't pay 250 grand
18:44to stop me from chopping into little pieces,
18:46then he doesn't deserve you.
18:48Oh!
18:51Oh, my God, he's typing.
18:55He stopped?
18:55Oh, should I send them another text?
18:57No, no, no.
18:57Don't double text.
18:59Um...
18:59Maybe we should upload an Instagram story
19:02of your little girl handing my boy hand.
19:04Oh, my God!
19:04Okay, it's genius.
19:06Oh, my God, he sent a video.
19:09Mate, yo, listen.
19:11I'm sorry that you were being held hostage like that
19:14and all that and all that stuff, but...
19:15I just feel like I really need to be single right now.
19:20Obviously, like, if you do escape, then link me
19:22and, um, I can...
19:24Babe, I'm coming.
19:25Babe.
19:25Oh, my God.
19:26Oh, babe.
19:27Oh, my God.
19:30Oh, my God.
19:30I'm...
19:31I'm so sorry that's happened to you, babe.
19:32Babe, like, I'm sorry this has happened to you.
19:34Like, you clearly put so much work into, like...
19:37Like, setting this whole thing up.
19:39No, it's like...
19:40It's so not on that I'm gonna have to kill you now.
19:43Babe, like, in the spirit of being direct, like...
19:46I have taken your gun.
19:49Okay.
19:50But I am gonna escape.
19:52Oh, she's the CEO of her own future.
20:00Promise me you won't go back to him.
20:02Babe, uh...
20:03I will.
20:04Ah!
20:15I will.
20:17I will.
20:20I will.
20:21Walk us forward, Daddy.
20:22Daylight's saving time.
20:23If we don't change the clocks...
20:26Tonight...
20:26He'll get us.
20:27Who's gonna get us, Eleanor?
20:28The Time Man.
20:29He waits for us at the end of every year
20:31and brings the new one in with song.
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets.
20:35The Keeper of the Clocks.
20:36The Boogie Woogie Man.
20:38Jules Holland!
20:40It's just a myth, Eleanor.
20:43It's true!
20:44He brings the new year in with his hootenanny
20:46and every spring he flies across the country
20:48to check that we've changed the clocks.
20:50Have we forgotten?
20:52He imprisons our souls in his Boogie Woogie Wonderland.
20:55I know all the stories.
20:56Come on, let's get to bed, okay?
21:01It's too late.
21:03He's here.
21:04Who?
21:05Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Day!
21:07Cocks forward.
21:08Now!
21:09Five!
21:10Four!
21:11Better change the clocks.
21:12I'm nearly here.
21:13Three!
21:14Two!
21:16Pull over, face him later!
21:17One!
21:22Good evening, everybody.
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:26Jamie Cullum's here.
21:31Josh Stone, everyone, playing a cut of her new album,
21:33Super-Dip-A-Loud.
21:35It's Jason Cox.
21:37He wants his hour.
21:38If we give him his hour, then he'll go.
21:41Oh, very good.
21:41Bang on time.
21:42Sting will be pleased.
21:44Yes!
21:50You forgot the oven!
21:52Where's my hour?
21:58Big year for you, Dad.
21:59What's next?
22:02I think he wants an anecdote.
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really.
22:05Tell the lovely people what's in store.
22:07That's all of an ended.
22:09Dad's here, everybody.
22:10We love you.
22:11We welcome you.
22:12More jewels?
22:12Well, I'm not called Jewel Holland, am I?
22:15Ha-ha!
22:16Ha-ha!
22:17Ha-ha!
22:18Jessie J?
22:18What are you doing?
22:19I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD player!
22:23Now the dreams are my soul!
22:25You don't give me my hour!
22:27Why don't you join me in my boogie-woogie wonderland forever!
22:32Ha-ha-ha!
22:34Ha-ha-ha!
22:35Ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:36Ha-ha-ha!
22:39Dad?
22:41Losing hour.
22:42Not your dad.
22:43Keep it quick for it tonight.
22:45Visit dev.uk for our fast-world series of zero for more.
22:52Okay, just signing up, guys.
22:54This is the big moment.
22:56Mother and son reunited after years of war.
22:59Okay, we've got some eye drops if you need help with the crying.
23:02Er, I'm happy to give it a go with that.
23:05Yeah, me too.
23:06Okay, right.
23:06Well, let's just go for one.
23:08See what happens.
23:09Yeah?
23:10Rolling!
23:11Er, the battle within.
23:13Take one.
23:17And action!
23:20Mother?
23:22I'm home.
23:29Oh, my son!
23:31Oh, my son!
23:39Oh, my son!
23:41Oh, my son!
23:41Oh, my son!
23:43Oh, my son!
23:45Oh, my son!
23:48So it's her line.
23:50Oh, sorry!
23:51Sorry!
23:52Yes, um, so Stella little quicker in on the line. Yes, quick on the line. Yeah, okay great
23:56And remember you're a mother being reunited with her son, okay?
24:01What's it? Okay rolling
24:05Battle within take two
24:09Action
24:12Mother
24:25I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um, I need to need to get a look at you to answer that
24:38You look the same as ever
24:40Oh, God, I missed you, Mummy
24:43You know, I
24:45I had the strangest time of the year
24:48I met this old man
24:50Whoa
24:54No, I don't think that's the story, love
24:56No, no, no, so I wasn't, no, I was just leaning in to listen, I was like, what are you
25:01saying?
25:03Okay, yeah, so Stella, you're playing his mother
25:06Yeah, yeah
25:07Okay
25:08Do you think, um, the skirt's maybe like a little bit cinched for mum?
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that, yeah, yeah, yeah
25:13Okay, we're losing time, Michael, we really need to get that speech, are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm ready, yeah, yeah
25:18Okay, Stella, just reactions from you, okay, really almost nothing at all, okay?
25:23Okay, we're still rolling
25:25Just reactions, okay?
25:28Action!
25:30I know I'm back, but in a sense, I'm not really here
25:35Mm-hmm
25:37The things I've seen
25:39The things I've done
25:41Oh
25:46Mother
25:48My, my mother
25:50Yeah
25:50Yeah, yeah, yes
25:52I've done some bad things
25:53Oh, yes
25:54I mean, no, oh, no
25:57Oh, no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00Oh, all night long, son
26:04I did some terrible things in, in the war
26:07Oh, naughty
26:10You, you were so naughty in the war
26:13Cut!
26:14I'm sorry, I'm sorry
26:15I'm sorry
26:15This is not working for me at all
26:17This is
26:17Get her out of here!
26:18No, no, no, no, no, I can do it, no, I can do it, I can do it, no, I
26:21can do it, no, my son, my sexy son
26:24They thought there was a chance this might happen, so don't worry, we've already got another actress lined up, ready
26:29to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh, my son
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:38Okay, that's lunch, everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Alice!
26:50Yes!
26:51Yes!
26:54Yes!
26:54Yes!
26:55Yes!
26:56Yes!
26:57Yes!
26:59Yes!
27:00I love it, I have magnetic properties
27:03Throw the scholar from the island like they crack for me
27:07I don't need the soul
27:08My heart don't like it to do
27:10Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
27:13My sister painting
27:14I could be like blasphemy
27:16But I never thought of anything
27:18Cause there's such a certainty
27:19It's my choice to choose
27:21Who I am
27:22There's your family
27:23My choice to choose
27:24Yeah
27:24My choice to choose
27:26Yeah
27:26Know who I am
27:28That's important to me
27:32Do what I got
27:34To see the wind from the trees
27:39Know who I am
27:41That's important to me
27:44That good brunch is right there
27:49Oh, yeah
27:52I could just wander a ways
27:55Like a leaf on a selfish breeze
27:58I do not need no room in
28:02I carry home with me
28:05To be a dumb and dirty
28:08Of the waves of the jungle sea
28:11I can see the wind away
28:14White horses carry me
28:19Damn, yeah
28:20I am, nothing that ...
28:32Had magnetic properties
28:34Wrote a scholar of a general
28:36number temporally
28:37I do need the soul
28:39My of the world identity
28:40I just need an answer
28:42To the questioning in the taxi
28:43I see my sister paint apathy like blasphemy, I've seen guys clean up, people closest to me, my choice is
28:51to choose who I embrace and family, I choose you, yeah I choose you.
28:56Now here I am, that's important to me, do what I get to see the wood from the tree, now
29:10here I am, that's important to me, let the brushes wrap them up, I can just wonder always.
29:26I can leave from the sunfish breeze, I do not need over me, I carry home with me, to me
29:37I know I'm floating on the waves of the channel stream, I can see even over me, white horses carry
29:48me.
29:48Now here I am, that's important to me, do what I get to see the wood from the tree, now
30:02here I am, that's important to me, let the brushes wrap them up,
30:12Let the brushes wrap them up, let the brushes wrap them up, I can just wonder always.
30:24I can leave from the sunfish breeze, I do not need over me, I carry home with me, to me
30:36I know I'm floating on the waves of the channel stream, I can see even over me, white horses carry
30:46me.
31:20It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair, we're here to make it worse.
31:48Let's have it.
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate. Israel has intercepted a missile
31:56from Yemen, which has been identified as a Houthi missile. As in, Houthi hell fired that
32:02missile.
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly, an Iranian military spokesperson
32:10has said, quote,
32:11Our first and last word from the very first day has been, is and will remain. Someone
32:17like us will never come to terms with someone like you. Not now and not ever.
32:22Oh, my God. Just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales, has stepped down after being photographed while
32:33appearing to do a Nazi salute. Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible. And he's
32:38right. The arm's too low. He's grinning.
32:41And where's his swastika? When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated that millions of households will get no help from
32:51the government to pay soaring energy bills. Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson to testify about her close personal
33:04and business ties to Jeffrey Epstein. But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.
33:14Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation of Trainspotting, the main character
33:19will be addicted not only to heroin, but also to social media. The show will premiere in
33:25July and is being directed by your year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died. So, gentlemen, when you're visiting the
33:36site this week, lower your penises to half mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way. Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.
33:47And now, it seems like the whole world is at war. Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East,
33:53Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl. By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway, war. We could just keep making jokes about it. But first, we do want to check.
34:04Are you okay?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be okay.
34:16Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III. Sounds scary, huh? But we've already had two.
34:24And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:27Good things can come from war. Antibiotics, jet engines, something to talk to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left.
34:42Like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us, but look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation, we've beaten them all.
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth.
35:03And sure, the bad guys might win and we end up speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry. We're in this together. We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube have to stand for an average of five stops before being
35:32offered a seat.
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette.
35:35But please, if you're watching men, wear a condom.
35:40Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested.
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life to making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:49right before he was taken to jail.
35:54The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt, has admitted to hosting chem sex parties.
36:00And has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs, including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.
36:08I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court that he got involved in the chem sex party scene to help inform government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research in a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,
36:25Oh, my God, guys, you have to try chem sex.
36:29In his speech to the courts, Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised.
36:33But he acknowledged that the chem sex lifestyle did carry risks.
36:37Like coming so hard you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me, it happens.
36:43In lighter news, the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th will see onion tastings, onion-themed street food, onion-flavoured drinks and an onion-eating
36:57competition.
36:58So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th, why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated military influencer and foot fetish model has reached over a million followers on Instagram.
37:12There she is in her military-grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser would sit alone fantasising about her for hours in my bedroom
37:23last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS struggled to return to music after mandatory military service.
37:32So, did the stress of this overstimulate Jimin, causing Sunflower Spillover and Microsnaps towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours cause the deep-thinker RM to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo of Suga and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser, anchoring Jungkook with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield to offset bubble drift and soften Jin in with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I've never even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report has said that birth rates in the UK are falling, and for a change, us girls are
38:08getting the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem is women having children too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs, please welcome our own fertility expert and cast member, Ayoadee Banboye!
38:30Thank you for having me.
38:34Ayoadee, you're here to explain why you think birth rates are plummeting.
38:38Yes, and the media would have you thinking that this is a complex issue, but it's actually quite simple.
38:43We're not being honest about what the real problem is here.
38:47Women not wanting to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting to have babies with men like you.
38:52Like me?
38:53How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks, yes, your genes must be preserved for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drunk water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:07How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:09He's completely dehydrated.
39:11His sperm probably looks like dusty oats.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you that most women actually want to have children?
39:19And I'm going to have to say the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is men are very, very difficult to be around.
39:27Anya, have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:33It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men with full driving license.
39:46So what is your solution to a generation of women being repulsed by the idea of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked.
39:52To me, we have two options.
39:54We bank the sperm of the gays, the practicing gays to be exact.
39:58And we just use that, yes.
40:00Or we milk three to five high-value males whose seed would actually be useful to us.
40:07So for example, people like Martin Lewis, money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayoade, we can't milk Martin Lewis.
40:15We need him on the front line.
40:16To be fair, you're right.
40:17You're right.
40:18We can't lose our strongest soldier.
40:20Thank you for joining us fertility expert Ayoade Bamboye, everybody.
40:46Thank you for joining us.
41:03Please, I can't do it anymore.
41:06Please.
41:06You're coming with me.
41:07Please.
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right.
41:19My damn for crap's sake.
41:20If they hear you, it'll be lessons for all of us.
41:22You.
41:24What is it we do here?
41:25I can't.
41:26I can't.
41:27I need to hear you say it.
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's.
41:35And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out, the whole wrap completely falls apart.
41:42We're the people who glued down that bit of the wrap.
41:50I can't do this anymore.
41:54It ain't right.
41:59Glueing all day.
42:01Glueing all night.
42:03Glueing wraps.
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:13Oh, God.
42:15Here, Arkata.
42:16The people's princess.
42:18Seen her kind before, haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave.
42:22Rebellious.
42:23Doesn't understand the wrap-gluing thing.
42:27Pipe down, little girl.
42:29You ain't got a clue.
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours.
42:33You ain't too good to go.
42:35We like things how we like them.
42:38We're never so scared of change.
42:40Being alive is suffering.
42:41We exist to remind you of that.
42:46But would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:51Face facts, Freckles.
42:53It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it.
42:57Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:02Quick, it's a pullman.
43:04Oh.
43:08I am a man and that is good to run this factory.
43:13My wife is dead.
43:15I hate the poor.
43:16And I'm the mayor.
43:21Well, well, well.
43:23If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26with their horrible faces
43:28living their miserable lives.
43:31Oh.
43:32Doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure.
43:37Huh.
43:41Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:50Yay!
43:50Woo!
43:53Oh.
43:55Tired, sweetheart.
43:56Cream crack it from glue and wraps.
44:00Oh.
44:01You've got to always work in my other factory.
44:04When we stick fruit polos together
44:06so they can deal into one weird cylinder.
44:09Woo!
44:13Tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:17I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.
44:22In fact,
44:24I'm just getting started!
44:26Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the packs
44:35of the people on the street
44:36who need us the most.
44:38We can't.
44:39You with the glue, which is true.
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story being said.
44:45Try to wrap.
44:46It's dead.
44:47But luck, it's stuck.
44:49We can't give up, my friend.
45:00She's right.
45:01I joined the fight.
45:03Me too.
45:04And me.
45:04She'll set us free a new life.
45:07No strife.
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:12Whoa.
45:13Get off me.
45:14I said get off me.
45:16He's going to fall into the furnace.
45:18No one's even touching him.
45:19It's the power of the soul.
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch.
45:24Woo!
45:25Ah!
45:32What?
45:34Wow.
45:35Wow.
45:38His reign of terror is over.
45:41People of the factory will go lose down wraps.
45:45We're finally free to get new jobs.
45:48In an Amazon warehouse.
45:50Yes!
45:51Holy fire!
45:59I'm Olly Doggy.
46:01And I'm Natty Doggy.
46:02And we are the Vee's Girls.
46:04Growing up, we never had much, but there was always two things we could rely on.
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue and her legendary Beans on Toast.
46:13Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue took out our life savings so that we could follow
46:17our dreams and open our very own food truck.
46:21And since then, we've sold over 50 million beans to happy customers up and down the country.
46:27We owe everything we have to our dear Nanny Sue and our kick-ass secret recipe.
46:33And before you ask, aye, our Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan.
46:37Recently dubbed a toxic widow because last week she was convicted of injecting a bus full
46:42of the children with Hepatitis C.
46:46And before you ask, no, we don't know why she did it.
46:49And before you ask, yes, we have cut ties with our Nanny Sue completely.
46:54We're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow and the timing could not be worse.
47:01We've got classic beans, we've got Nashville barbecue beans, we've got Thai bean curry beans.
47:06And before you ask, no, the beans will not give you Hepatitis.
47:10And before you ask, yes, some of the children are still in comas.
47:14Also, before you ask, yes, we are both considering chemical castration just to make sure the evil
47:21in our bloodline dies with us.
47:27We also do chicken wings.
47:30I've been exposed to our three things we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours, good vibes and a tory for the sins of our wicked family.
47:37That's why we've partnered with a local charity that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted
47:42of serious violent crime.
47:44This is Jenny.
47:45She cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next-door neighbour because they left their Christmas lights
47:52up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask, yes, it was racially motivated.
48:02Oh, fuck, fuck!
48:03This is hell!
48:05Oh, I didn't know if we had to do it ourselves!
48:07So come on down to Beans Bros, because those kids are not coming back.
48:11And we don't want to go to hell!
48:18Once again, Will Fales!
48:28It really, really made the room sing
48:33The way you said my name, like you could not believe I'll be here, though our friends are all the
48:46same.
48:48I wanted you to walk on over, but you turned and went the other way.
48:58I followed you around the corner, and I'll always picture you this way, leaning against the wall.
49:12You put my world in love, you put my world in love, and you put my name on in love.
49:51Is love our greatest performance I thought as you spun me around
50:01Perfect displays of affection
50:06Well it takes two so there's always a crowd
50:11I dance so you will watch me
50:16That doesn't hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill of night before the game
50:26My music, courage, I'll fight one
50:29You're leaning against the wall
50:36You put my word into love
50:45You put my name up in love
50:55Because
50:57Doesn't anybody know you are denying you?
51:03Doesn't anybody want nothing?
51:17Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
51:23Isn't anyone not there?
51:25You put my word into love
51:33I'm in love
51:42I'm in love
51:47I'm in love
51:49I'm in love
51:57I'm in love
52:16I'm in love
52:19I'm in love
52:47I'm in love
52:48I'm in love
52:50I've been trying to keep my cool all night
52:52But I'm such a huge fan of yours
52:54I can't believe
52:55I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson
52:57OBE
52:58Is actually dating my best
53:00My wife's best friend
53:03Thanks
53:03You know I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself
53:08Oh yeah?
53:10Yeah, yeah, yeah
53:10I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my
53:12Oh no, no, no, no
53:13Please, please don't say knee
53:15Alright?
53:16I hate that
53:17You know how many people come up to me and say
53:18Oh I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee
53:20No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough
53:23You know?
53:25No, I was
53:27Good enough
53:27It wasn't actually my knee
53:29I had a different, like a rare condition
53:32What condition?
53:37One sec, I'm just going to get another drink
53:39Alright
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time
53:43Oh, he loves it so much, bless him
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46No, no, no
53:47He was going on about how he could have gone pro if it weren't for his condition
53:51His what?
53:52No
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh
54:00I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips
54:18What part of that don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked, I panicked
54:25I needed a serious condition otherwise he's not going to like me
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those like, I could have been a pro if it wasn't for
54:34my knee guys
54:35You are that
54:36You are that
54:37Please
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player, just let me have this
54:43Fine
54:44Fine
54:49Does anyone want more wine because I need a drink?
54:55You alright mate?
54:56Yeah
54:58Yeah
54:59He's um, he's got this rare condition and it's just flaring up
55:04Don't be ashamed Jonathan, show them
55:08Yeah
55:09Yeah
55:14Oh, what the fuck?
55:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
55:20Yeah, I was um, I was born with it, it's called um, it's called scrotumus hyptomums
55:29Oh, what, how did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question
55:34Um, everything was going great, you know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then
55:41Then my balls dropped and uh, it became a problem during uh, line outs, you know, so
55:47So painful, you know, getting picked up from my waist, like crushing my balls, so
55:52Yeah
55:53Oh, and um, Jared scrums, yeah, the scrums, the lads would, you know, they'd have their ear pressed against, you
55:59know, eating my balls
56:02Whoa, wow, I'm not gonna lie, it would be hard to go pro with those
56:09You'd be in the showers looking like a, like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree
56:14Sorry, sorry mate, sorry mate, that was above the belt
56:18No, no, I was expecting you to struggle, man, I was like
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine
56:24All right, well, see you at work, Soph
56:26All right
56:26Great to see you, Jason, let yourselves out
56:28Bye, Jason, man
56:29See ya
56:35Oh my god
56:39Oh, Soph's just asked if Jason can have your number
56:42Yes
56:42Yes
56:43Well done
56:44Oh, my balls
56:45Oh, my balls
57:03Wow, my biggest thanks to Wolf Alice, the crystal guide
57:06Huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week
57:11Good night
57:13Thank you
57:15Thank you
57:19Thank you
57:31Thank you
57:34Thank you
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