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Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 3 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, and in the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of
00:31you did not watch it.
00:33For those who missed it, here's a summary.
00:37You didn't miss much.
00:39And honestly, I'm kicking meself.
00:43I let you down, but everyone deserves a second chance.
00:48Peter Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come, so allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we
01:05are working at pace towards a de-escalation, and the pace we are working at is leisurely.
01:14I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling.
01:20Not only in England, but also in the top bit, and the side bits as well.
01:27Life is getting harder.
01:30And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait, wait, wait.
01:45I'm told there's a second page to my speech.
01:49Oh, that's right.
01:51The inspiring part.
01:55Look, I know I'm not inspiring.
01:59When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much that the interviewer
02:05called the Samaritans.
02:08So I've asked some Britons that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step.
02:15First up, England legend, Harry Kane.
02:30Yeah, cheers, nice one, gaffer.
02:33Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously, the Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way.
02:47Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.
02:56You know, sold in defence.
02:58Yeah, good at set pieces too.
03:00So yeah, you've just got to take it one more at a time and yeah, yeah, it's going to be
03:06nice.
03:08Thank you, Harry.
03:16Next up, a Briton with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power
03:22runs out.
03:23Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.
03:33Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?
03:37Blirting with Iran and playing with oil.
03:41Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage or the power is off and we're snogging in the dark.
03:46Shh, shh, aren't I naughty?
03:50Thanks, Olivia.
03:52Love the enthusiasm.
03:54Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.
03:58Outstanding British television and pork.
04:03It's Peppa Pig.
04:11Cheer us up, Peppa.
04:13Thank you, Daddy Care.
04:16Life is hell, but it doesn't last long and soon the sadness will end.
04:23Thanks, Peppa.
04:25You're very different from how you seem on the telly.
04:28And you're very similar.
04:31Well, there you have it.
04:33Big thanks to Britain's Big Three, Harry Cade, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P.
04:44Oh, no.
04:45Here, a couple of power cuts.
04:47Friend for yourselves, everyone.
04:49Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me.
04:51And live from London, it's Saturday Night!
05:01It's Saturday Night Live!
05:04And live from London, it's Saturday Night Live!
05:07With...
05:09Kimmy, Anna Michelle!
05:16Iyoade Brownboye!
05:23Larry D!
05:30Iyoade Bromboye!
05:36George Fouracres!
05:42Anya Magliano!
05:48Annabelle Marlow!
05:53Al Nash!
05:59Jack Shett!
06:05And the CD!
06:13Hattie Young!
06:20Musical guest, Kasabian!
06:26And your host, Chris Armand!
06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Armand!
06:55Yes, yes, yes!
06:57Thank you, thank you so much!
07:01Wow!
07:02Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed,
07:04and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNL-UK!
07:14Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer, and I'm a rapper.
07:19So, for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.
07:26I'm working it out.
07:28Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense roles.
07:34Okay, I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff.
07:37Like, for example, do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music!
07:43I did a film just like that called Sound of Metal.
07:46It's almost exactly the same.
07:48It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf, and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van.
07:53Just like Sound of Music, and it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:58But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.
08:00Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.
08:07That's what I'm saying, it's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:14Christmas movie.
08:16But I actually have just created and released my own comedy.
08:20It's called Bait.
08:22It's just come out.
08:23Thank you, thank you, man.
08:27It's about an out-of-work actor auditioning to be James Bond.
08:31And the character is going through an identity crisis.
08:35And if you're wondering why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:40I'm confused.
08:42It's not my fault.
08:43I grew up in Wembley, but I went to Oxford University, and that's why I sound like this.
08:52Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:57We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:59It's called Oi Roo Boy, Shut Up.
09:01This is The Quiet Carriage.
09:04It's a band.
09:06But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis, in a way.
09:11You know, we're three episodes in, and your hosts have been American, Irish, and me.
09:17Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.
09:24You know what I mean?
09:25You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:28That's so Asian.
09:30That's so Asian.
09:32Don't worry, Jack.
09:32Your secret is safe with me.
09:34As-salamu alaykum, brother.
09:36But sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis, and that's why we're so divided, right?
09:41We're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:46But I think that I know how to solve it.
09:49I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis.
09:51I think there's one thing that unites us all.
09:54In essence, what makes us British is, we like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:03Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know?
10:08We like that.
10:09We like it.
10:09We like giving, thank you, yes.
10:12We like giving crap compliments, you know?
10:16Someone says, he's a bit of a character.
10:18That means you're a knob, you know?
10:20And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:24Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:28And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap, you know?
10:32Like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.
10:35My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:39Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.
10:42We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:45We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:50That's the best of Britain.
10:53We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:58That's right.
10:59So we've got a great show for you today.
11:06A really great show.
11:07Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:10It's very un-British of us.
11:11We've got Kasabian here.
11:13It's going to be a banger.
11:15Stick around and watch this.
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud.
11:47People phone big in every situation.
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:53A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:57People school face in a phone-free place.
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:02Big, big, big, she's looking around perplexed.
12:05How come she's the only one who didn't get the text?
12:07A man walks into a corporate space.
12:10After committing a hater's sex crime.
12:13He's really dumb.
12:14Very bad lame.
12:15He's Gale the Calvin and the phones go dang.
12:20While when all the texts come at once.
12:23All the phones are going off at once.
12:25Calling her a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:28Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
12:35On loud.
12:35I still understand the scene without the very loud texting sound.
12:40Every text is expositional.
12:43Hey dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that mom's dead?
12:47All the apps are autotidational.
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app.
12:57Hmm.
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01Why does your house have studio lights?
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here,
13:13Why do cops in TV and movies only have co-workers at their personal events?
13:18It's your 58th birthday, you're telling me none of your family went.
13:23There's only other cops at your house.
13:26Really no one wants to come to your house.
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day.
13:30And you've also got a colleague for a spouse.
13:33One, two, yeehaw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:41Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:45The phone is hard, Bluetooth always connects.
13:47CEOs with email notifications and the phone contacts include relations.
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:53iPhones have an Android in your face.
13:55Yeah, you know what you've never seen at home before.
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store.
13:59But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.
14:06With all the phones all off.
14:08All the phones all off.
14:09All the phones all off.
14:11So sort it out.
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:18Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:22Don't panic.
14:23I'll order a goober there.
14:50in today's challenge
14:52our contestants added a whopping £4,250 to the prize fund.
14:59But now it's time for the faithfuls to return to the round table.
15:04Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start. This experience has been amazing.
15:19But at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab man.
15:25But there's someone here I just don't trust.
15:29And that person is...
15:35It's yourself, Imran.
15:39Great, we're doing this again.
15:40I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mechel and Ife.
15:48But I have a feeling I just can't shake.
15:53Though I'm obviously not a great big crab man.
15:57To be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say.
16:02OK, I'm just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?
16:12Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've only got two 100% not a great big crab man.
16:18And it's myself and Sebastian.
16:23Look at Imran, he's a flipping crab.
16:26See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great big crab man.
16:32OK, OK, what about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds!
16:37You've got this!
16:39Go towards it! What's wrong with you man?
16:41Just going forward!
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways.
16:50Everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor.
16:54OK, fine. So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired.
16:59He can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons.
17:04Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight.
17:08To be fair to Imran.
17:10To be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and invertebrates.
17:14And for me, that's suspicious.
17:17The time for talk is over.
17:20Now, it's time to vote.
17:38Time's up.
17:39Enormous good luck everyone.
17:43I'm sorry.
17:47It is what it is.
17:49Sorry girl.
17:52Imran, I'm so sorry.
17:54I'm sorry.
18:00Love you man.
18:05Imran, you have received the most votes.
18:08Would you like to join me please?
18:16Listen, yeah.
18:18I've had an amazing time.
18:19It's been an incredible journey and I've made friends for life.
18:22But there's something there in my heart and I've got to come out and say it.
18:28I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiot.
18:33Imran out.
18:37What the hell are you playing at?
18:41You've just voted off another not a great big crab man.
18:46And the real great big crab man is still out there laughing at you.
18:52Okay.
18:53Okay.
18:54I'm just gonna say it.
18:55There's someone who is slipping under the radar.
18:59At tomorrow's round table.
19:00The person I'll be looking at.
19:02Hey, hey, hey.
19:03I'll pack my box.
19:18Okay.
19:19Hey.
19:19Hey.
19:20You're really good.
19:22Operation.
19:23Isn't that a game for like six year olds?
19:25Okay.
19:26Why don't you give it a go then?
19:27Okay.
19:27I will.
19:30It's simple.
19:31You just...
19:34Cool.
19:35Okay, that was a warm up.
19:39You can leave it babe.
19:40No, no, no.
19:41It's fine.
19:42It's easy.
19:46Babe.
19:48Come to bed.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Yeah.
19:52One minute.
19:56Kids, get in the car.
19:57Mummy will be there in a sec.
20:00Are you coming or not?
20:05Wow.
20:18Are you coming?
20:19We're cutting the cake.
20:27It's just a game.
20:29It's not just a game.
20:30It literally is.
20:32It says it on the box.
20:33It's six plus.
20:38Stop looking at me.
20:48I can't take it anymore.
20:50I can't take it anymore.
20:51We're leaving.
20:53Hey.
20:53I lifted it clean.
20:59I can't take it.
21:07I can't take it anymore.
21:10I can't take it anymore.
21:15I can't take it anymore.
21:23I can't take it anymore.
21:23It's not all fun.
21:25Help!
21:26Help!
21:26Is there a doctor in the house?
21:27One of our diners is from outside.
21:29I think it means they're serious.
21:45Honey, are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back.
21:57Give me those.
22:00What are you?
22:03Oh, my God.
22:06I'm coming from the breadbasket.
22:08What the?
22:10God, help me.
22:12What are you doing?
22:16Where's the horse?
22:20Where's the horse?
22:22You have to believe me.
22:23There was supposed to be pieces.
22:24The butterfly and the breadbasket.
22:26Whatever, sir.
22:26You're coming with me.
22:27Olivia.
22:28Olivia, I found him.
22:30Oh, my God.
22:33Oh, my God.
22:35Oh, my God.
22:36Oh, my God.
22:38Oh, my God.
22:41Oh, my God.
22:44Oh, my God.
22:49This is OG FM coming at you.
22:52Old classics for old heads.
22:54It's all 90s music all the time.
22:57And we mean all the time.
22:59When we want to talk, we just turn it up, turn it down very slightly.
23:04On the next, you've got MC Twister, DJ Tiller and me, Lady Magnum, Pink Lemonade.
23:09And, yes, all our names are types of ice cream.
23:14Coincidence.
23:17If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are old.
23:21Shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters.
23:24Nostalgia coming at you.
23:28All right, all right.
23:30So, tonight, we've got some real talk for all you over 50s.
23:33Prostate cancer.
23:34Real serious.
23:35But people don't talk about it because it's a black one.
23:39Using our platform for good.
23:41All right.
23:41We've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us.
23:45It's Dr. Rishi.
23:46Come on, big ups, Dr. Rishi, looking sharp.
23:49I appreciate that.
23:53So, yeah, I mean, thanks.
23:54Thanks for having me.
23:56All right, Doc.
23:57Doctor, knowledge on us.
23:58Yeah, sorry.
24:00Sorry, yeah.
24:00Well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men.
24:04Shout out to Michelle in SW5.
24:07Go to Harlem, okay?
24:13What are you saying, Dr. Rishi?
24:14Right, yeah.
24:15Yeah, so the prostate.
24:17It's small gland.
24:18It sits just behind the...
24:20Shout out to James.
24:20The divorce is final.
24:24She's back on the pill.
24:25B-b-b-b-b-b-bill.
24:28Take it away, Doc.
24:29Take it away.
24:30Okay, yeah.
24:31Okay, suppose.
24:32Well, you know, diet is very important.
24:34Hey, yo, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday.
24:36Four-day week.
24:37Four-day week.
24:38What?
24:38You're done, though.
24:40Diet is something...
24:42Tony Estretum just put his dog down.
24:43Prayers up for the poodle.
24:47Diet is something...
24:48He's done south and west.
24:52Statistically, around 55,000 new cases...
24:56Okay, I was just trying to say it just before.
24:59Diet is a good way to minimise your risk.
25:01Reducing red meat is sensible.
25:03You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish, perhaps a salmon or a mackerel.
25:06Hey, yo, pick up the North Sea.
25:07Come on.
25:10Can we stop?
25:12Please, I'm sorry.
25:13Can we just stop?
25:13What's up, big man?
25:15Is there any way you could just stop the music just for, like, a minute?
25:18Because this is...
25:19Sorry, Doc.
25:19This is OGFM.
25:20All 90s music all the time.
25:22Literally.
25:22All the time.
25:23Yes, my sister.
25:24If you've got something important to say, you've got to ride the beat.
25:27What do you mean, ride the beat?
25:30Medical freestyle.
25:31Off the dome.
25:34Seriously?
25:35Yeah, spend some wisdom, Dr. Rishi.
25:36Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know.
25:38Oh, Hippocratic Oath.
25:43Okay, okay, fine.
25:44Fine.
25:44Yeah, okay.
25:46Prostate.
25:47Prostate.
25:49Check it before it's too late.
25:53Early detection is vital for your survival.
25:57Alright, turn my headphones up.
26:05Up a bit more.
26:06Yeah.
26:07Don't hide away, get your PSA.
26:09The blood test is best, so don't delay.
26:10No joking, stop smoking.
26:12I'm thinking, less drinking.
26:14Check your BMI.
26:15If the number's high, then we'll make a plan.
26:17Get your number right.
26:18If you're over 50, got a family history, and it blow is weak.
26:20Then see your GP or my G's in the back.
26:22Who are black?
26:23Your risk is higher, that's a fact.
26:25Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper.
26:27If you've got P's, I'll wait for the future.
26:29Just go over, open over.
26:30Richie IP, happy birthday to you.
26:33And if this man in your P, call 111.
26:36Dr. Richie D-D-Dr. Michi D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D.
26:39I, I, I.
26:41B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B
26:46-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B!
26:46Yes!
26:46Yes!
26:47Save it alive for the advice, sir.
26:49Dr. Richie in the hole!
26:50B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B!
27:05Get she!
27:07Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian.
27:37Now it's you and me, and I am lost for words.
27:43I just keep on falling.
27:47Watch me go, I can pray and pretend love.
27:56Oh, baby, blow, now it's time for me.
28:04You surrender.
28:07You can dance again, dance again.
28:13You can dance again, dance again.
28:19Watch me as I go, I live and make believe.
28:29And you're gonna hear me calling.
28:34Where do you hide if you don't know who you are?
28:37But you love it and you're not the same.
28:40So don't fear it now.
28:44Watch me go, I'm a great pretender.
28:54Yeah, yeah, baby.
28:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:58Now it's time for me to surrender.
29:04You can dance again, dance again.
29:10You can dance again, dance again.
29:14You can dance again, dance again.
29:19You can dance again, dance again.
29:25You can dance again, dance again.
29:30You can dance again, dance again.
29:31You can dance again, dance again.
29:33You can dance again, dance again.
29:36You can dance again, dance again.
29:38You can dance again, dance again.
29:39You can dance again, dance again.
29:42You can dance again, dance again.
29:43You can dance again, dance again.
29:44You can dance again, dance again.
29:47You can dance again, dance again.
29:48You can dance again, dance again.
30:19Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
30:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
30:36And I'm Anya Magliano.
30:40The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:47Ooh, it's starting to get serious!
30:50This week, a US airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure,
30:59a senior US military official said,
31:01Oh my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the UK's Navy for being, quote,
31:14too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump? What is it?
31:1818.
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated,
31:24one admiral said,
31:26I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind,
31:28just as soon as the wind picks up.
31:32It's true.
31:33The UK only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years,
31:45referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.
31:49Well, they think they've quadrupled.
31:50They actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg
32:00is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:19This, after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive
32:23and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island
32:32has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing
32:43that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:46Here to comment on this viral sensation
32:48is random, former, real Love Island contestant,
32:51Chloe Bibby Wrinkle.
32:53Oh, my God!
32:54No!
32:56No, it's so muggy.
32:58AI has nicked my job.
33:00It's taken me, a human, professional lady,
33:04years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs
33:18to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters,
33:28the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee.
33:54But get this, week after we left,
33:57I found out he was, in fact, a mirage due to my heat stroke.
34:02Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:07I'm torn off mirages now.
34:09Big dicks, though.
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:15Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:19I'm moving spooky.
34:21I was like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:27Of course I would.
34:29But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:33Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato,
34:38then so be it.
34:40A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:41It is a fruit.
34:42What?
34:42I'm not worth it.
34:43I'm not worth it.
34:45It's not worth it.
34:46I love Ireland contestant.
34:48We have to see you again.
34:49Greetings, everybody.
34:55It's Easter.
34:58That's right.
34:59The time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian
35:02we're allowed to talk about.
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box,
35:26has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike.
35:31So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call,
35:35what goes up your butt will stay up your butt for the best part of a week.
35:39And it will be the best part.
35:43According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week,
35:47Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon,
36:05that's where the bum is.
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2,
36:12Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:15And it will.
36:16Just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week,
36:22an adorable little door mouse
36:24was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex.
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:36Hi guys, I'm adorable to be here.
36:40Oh, you're so cute.
36:42It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:46Cool.
36:46Look at all these big scary cameras.
36:49Oh, it's okay.
36:49Don't be intimidated.
36:51Okay, camera three, where you at?
36:52Camera three, where you at?
36:54Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:57Hey, Vogue, I'm an adorable little door mouse,
36:59and this looks in my bag.
37:04Okay, so up first,
37:05you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:11And next up,
37:12oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face mist defense barrier.
37:17Shout out to Aesop.
37:20And up next,
37:21this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky,
37:23but it's hot sauce.
37:26Sorry, are you just making content?
37:29I'm an influencer, Anya.
37:30My adorable story is blowing up,
37:32and it's my time to shine.
37:34I'm only going to live for four years, Anya,
37:36and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:38I've got to grab my moment.
37:42And that's why,
37:42over the course of this answer,
37:44I've already moved on from being an influencer
37:46to being a red carpet reporter.
37:49Anya, Anya, hey girl,
37:50we're here with Vershka jeans.
37:51What are you wearing, girl?
37:52Tell me what you're wearing.
37:52Don't tell me it's the boys with character collection from Georgia Asda.
37:56You look amazing, Anya girl.
37:58You're hungry, girl?
38:00And my subway take,
38:01I think that,
38:04I think that raspberries are nice.
38:06Anya, 100% agree, 100% agree.
38:08Oh, wow.
38:10He's so cute.
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame
38:13at an unbelievable rate.
38:15Welcome back to Of Door, Mice & Man,
38:18where I'm talking
38:20with my guest, Anya Magliano,
38:23about me being adorable.
38:25Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower,
38:30you know?
38:32Suddenly, I realised that people wanted me
38:34to be adorable all the time,
38:35and I could never be off.
38:37Sorry.
38:38Sorry.
38:41But now,
38:42my listeners can get help to switch off
38:44thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:48Dignitas?
38:49Is that bad?
38:49Sorry, please don't cancel me.
38:51Oh!
38:53We could never cancel you,
38:55adorable little door mouse.
38:56Well, wait and see.
38:57I have invested my money in some weird things.
39:01Adorable little door mouse, everybody!
39:11Five Met police officers
39:13have been taken off duty
39:15after a bag of guns
39:16was accidentally left
39:17on the street in London.
39:19I feel sorry for the police.
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women
39:23that you forget where you left
39:24your bloody machine gun.
39:25What am I like?
39:29The government is passing new laws
39:31to make it easier to cancel
39:33online subscriptions
39:34and unwanted auto-renewals.
39:35Good news for me.
39:36Bad news for Dr. Chubb's
39:38penis pump emporium,
39:39whose platinum club
39:41is about to lose a member.
39:45A rainbow boa constrictor
39:47has miraculously given birth
39:49without fertilisation
39:51for the second time.
39:53Does anyone else find it
39:54kind of weird
39:55that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:01A peacock named Pete
40:03who has recently taken up
40:04residence in Surrey
40:05has reportedly learned
40:06to knock on doors
40:07with his beak.
40:08Sadly, he's doing so
40:10to alert the neighbourhood
40:11that he's a registered sex offender.
40:16According to a new report
40:17from the Department of Education,
40:19children under five
40:19should have no more than
40:21one hour of screen time per day
40:22to help improve physical health
40:24and family relationships.
40:25To discuss the impact
40:27this might have on parenting,
40:28here's a father and son
40:30who still do skin on skin.
40:48Thank you for having us.
40:51No problem.
40:53Now, let's talk about screen time.
40:55Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart
41:00to get up that carvery
41:02and see all families
41:04glued to their phones.
41:06Nobody looking at the pork.
41:10Why can't everyone
41:11just be normal?
41:14Yeah.
41:15My boys never looked
41:17at the screen.
41:19And look at you.
41:22He's thriving.
41:24Yeah, you guys clearly
41:25have a strong bond.
41:27Is that because
41:27you're screen free?
41:29Yeah.
41:29I don't need an iPad.
41:31I can just pad
41:33this chest
41:34until the happy hormones
41:36start g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:39Why are you still doing this?
41:40Well, the midwife
41:41recommended it
41:42for as long as you can.
41:45It was great
41:46when I were a baby
41:46but it's better
41:47now I'm 32.
41:49It's nice to know
41:50if things are stressful
41:51at work
41:52that I can get home
41:53and get right on to dad.
41:57How does it reduce stress?
41:59Many, many ways.
42:01Regulates the heart rate,
42:03slows the breathing,
42:05helps with the breastfeeding.
42:08Breastfeeding?
42:09Men have got the glans as well.
42:11It just takes discipline,
42:13Paddy.
42:14Nobody has discipline these days.
42:18Are you smelling his head?
42:21Yeah.
42:22That's the best bit.
42:25You know that new...
42:27You know that
42:29newborn baby smell?
42:32Well, it's that
42:34but older.
42:37This is unconventional
42:38but I have to say
42:39you guys seem really happy.
42:41There's always room
42:42for one more, Paddy.
42:44Last Christmas
42:45we got two uncles
42:46and a cousin on here.
42:48Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.
42:50Don't be a stranger.
42:52Thank you,
42:53father and son
42:54who still do skin on skin.
42:55Let me get in here.
43:00Good night.
43:01Good night.
43:01Good night.
43:01Good night.
43:02Good night.
43:02Good night.
43:03Good night.
43:03Good night.
43:04Good night.
43:04Good night.
43:06Good night.
43:07Good night.
43:08Good night.
43:08Good night.
43:10Good night.
43:11Good night.
43:12Good night.
43:13Good night.
43:14Good night.
43:14Good night.
43:15Good night.
43:16Good night.
43:16Good night.
43:17Good night.
43:18Good night.
43:18Good night.
43:18Good night.
43:18Good night.
43:19Good night.
43:21Good night.
43:38Good evening.
43:39We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature
43:42issued a challenge to conceive a work of Gothic horror
43:46that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:50Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:55Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorne, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:11Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count
44:14who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Quite horrifying.
44:25Mr. Blackthorne.
44:27In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon
44:31with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you the wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues,
44:46I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50I give you...
44:52The Bastard Seagull.
45:02The Bastard Seagull.
45:04OK, questions.
45:07Um, sorry, I'm confused.
45:10Is this like an evil seagull?
45:12It won't bloody leave!
45:14It won't bloody leave!
45:14The Bastard!
45:16OK, not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24The reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn.
45:33At fragile hour,
45:35when night still clings to the edges of the world,
45:39the man awoke with a start
45:42to find the seagull very close.
45:46But a pubes' length from his face.
45:50He screamed,
45:52He-oh!
45:54But the Bastard didn't give
45:58one single toss.
46:03OK, let's move on, Mr Blackthorn.
46:05Sorry, um,
46:07why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck!
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows,
46:19and it's totally jammed.
46:22Sorry,
46:23is the whole book about a man
46:25who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27Not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch
46:30with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey,
46:34may I remind you
46:36this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr Blackthorn.
46:43Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45No, he's trying.
46:47Every time he gets anywhere near it,
46:49they all go mental.
46:52Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:02For God's sake,
47:05please, can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:09Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, what?
47:15He got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse
47:19because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:26And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:30Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And now tell me about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir.
47:41Stop.
47:42Stop.
47:44You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears,
47:46but this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54A bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:59There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:17Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise
48:20for Casabria!
48:23Thank you!
48:25Thank you!
48:27Thank you!
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Hit me tied by the lights upon your face
48:46Bodies moving the floor change
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05Seeing you release the pressure
49:08You've been through the stormy weather
49:13Release the pressure
49:15Release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure
49:19Release the pressure
49:23Release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Hit the tide by the lights up on your face
49:58We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:02No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:10No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands in the air
50:19Get your hands in the air
50:19On your three feet sweet
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:32Seeing you release the pressure
50:36Even though we're so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:42Release the pressure
50:43Release the pressure
50:45Release the pressure
50:46Release the pressure
50:50Release the pressure
50:52Release the pressure
50:54On your finger
50:56Now we're so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
51:09Now we're making an air
51:13Vikings
51:49Basically, I keep having nightmares that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus, which is weird because I
51:54never take the bus.
51:56Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere.
52:00Hi. Hi. Sorry we're late. Sorry. Hi.
52:04You must be Nick. Well, welcome.
52:06Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my partner, I just wanted to give you a heads up.
52:10Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings.
52:16Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. No one look at me. I'm a house.
52:26Oh, my God. That's the Easter bunny.
52:29Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand.
52:31Yeah, just give me your way, baby. Just trust me.
52:33Don't drop me. Don't drop me.
52:34Give me your way. Okay.
52:40Oh, Pascal. Can I just say, it's so nice to see another gay couple here.
52:45Yeah, seriously, so nice. We meet a couple like you and it's like, yeah, they are the exact same thing
52:50as us.
52:52I don't know that exact same thing.
52:55So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?
52:59Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right? Nervous, excited.
53:03Yeah, yeah, really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out.
53:10Oh, but hey, what are people supposed to do?
53:14Not have Easter eggs.
53:17Oh, my God.
53:18You give birth to Easter eggs?
53:20No, he does.
53:25I assume...
53:27Gosh, sorry. I suddenly feel a bit sick.
53:29I assume Easter eggs were all made in factories.
53:33Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love.
53:38Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing.
53:40Well, what is it in?
53:42I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me.
53:47No, please don't learn anything from this.
53:50Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing,
53:53carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people.
53:57Oh, thanks, doll.
53:57I mean, my body's shot.
53:59My nipples are so long, you could braid them.
54:02Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding.
54:05Yeah, braid my nipples.
54:07You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them.
54:10What?
54:13He thinks people raise the eggs as their children.
54:16Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?
54:18My ears are famously huge, Nick.
54:22You're not even covering up the holes.
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out.
54:26No, no, no, no.
54:27Is it true what he said, the foreign one?
54:31I'm Scottish.
54:33Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.
54:39Nick, you're scaring me.
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal.
54:44I can't shield you from this anymore.
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food.
54:49But, but, hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy.
54:55They, they do?
54:56Yes, yes, children, and adults who are too close to their parents, and people who win crap raffles
55:05in May.
55:06It gives so many people so much joy.
55:09I love you so much.
55:11I'm so proud of you, and I'm proud of us, and I'm proud of you, and proud of us.
55:17Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?
55:22How dare you?
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873.
55:33Crack house pit bulls lead better lives.
55:36You know what?
55:37You know what?
55:38I am wrung out like a flannel, and you've done nothing but belittle me, him, and our community
55:44since we've arrived.
55:46Boys, as an ally, I am mortified.
55:49It's, you know what, just save your apologies.
55:50He's due any minute, and the birthing process is literally one of the scariest things you
55:54can possibly imagine.
55:56So we're leaving.
55:57Help me up, Nick.
55:58Help me up.
55:58Give me your weight, baby.
55:58Surrender to me.
55:59Don't shock me.
55:59Surrender to me.
56:00Okay, okay.
56:01Get the bags.
56:01Get the bags.
56:02Get the car ready.
56:04It's outrageous.
56:05I don't know why we even bother.
56:11And they come out the back.
56:13Oh!
56:27Wow.
56:29Make some noise.
56:31My biggest thanks to Kasabian, and a huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone
56:37working on tonight's show for making it such an unforgettable week.
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up.
56:43And good night.
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