- 9 hours ago
Watch Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 5 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:10Welcome back to Who Wants to Remain a Millionaire?
00:14I'm your host, fake farmer and real arsehole,
00:18Jeremy Clarkson.
00:21Let's bring out our contestant for tonight.
00:24You hate him, I hate him.
00:25It's Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
00:35It's great to be here, Jeremy.
00:38Great to have you here, Sir Keir.
00:40Now, let's play.
00:44We start with your first and indeed only question.
00:47Is it ever a good idea to give Peter Mandelson a job?
00:53Is it A? No.
00:55B? Of course not.
00:58C? Not in a million years.
01:00Or D? Yes.
01:06It's a tricky one.
01:09Jeremy, I think I'm gonna have to use a lifeline on this one.
01:13Can I ask the audience?
01:14Okay, audience on your keypads, please.
01:17Is it ever a good idea to give paedophile-adjacent Bond villain Peter Pandelson a job?
01:24Vote now.
01:27Pretty comprehensive.
01:29What do you make of that, Sir Keir?
01:31I'll be honest, Jeremy.
01:33I'm leaning towards D.
01:36But seeing that has put a seed of doubt in my mind.
01:40I'd like to use another lifeline.
01:43Really?
01:44Yes.
01:4550-50, please, Jeremy.
01:47Okay.
01:47Computer, can you lose two wrong answers, please?
01:55Oh, gosh.
01:57This looks so much easier at home.
02:01Bip, bip.
02:06Bip, bip.
02:07Jeremy.
02:08Bip, bip.
02:10I'm afraid I'm just not being presented with the facts.
02:15I think I'm gonna have to phone a friend.
02:18Okay, Sir Keir, who are you gonna call?
02:20I'd like to call Peter Mandelson.
02:24Here goes.
02:25Let's hope he has the answer.
02:29Hello?
02:31Hi, Peter.
02:32Jeremy Clarkson here.
02:33I've got Sir Keir with me.
02:34He needs your help.
02:35Sir Keir, your time starts now.
02:38Hi, Peter.
02:39First things first, how have you been?
02:42Frankly well, Sir Keir.
02:44How may I be of service?
02:47Ten seconds left.
02:48Peter, I am being rushed, so I have to ask.
02:50Is it ever a good idea to give you a job?
02:54Me?
02:55A job?
02:56I'd be careful if I were you.
03:04Oh, Peter, you'll have me going in a minute.
03:12He's a cheeky monkey, that one.
03:15Well, Sir Keir, did that help?
03:18I'm afraid not.
03:20Time to use another lifeline.
03:22Let's go 50-50 again.
03:25You know what?
03:26I'll allow it.
03:27Computer.
03:32Okay, Jeremy, I have my answer.
03:36I know it's not conventional, but I'd actually like to bring back one of the previous options.
03:43Because I'm going to go with D.
03:44Final answer.
03:47Are you totally sure?
03:49Oh, never.
03:54I am sorry, Sir Keir.
03:56I'm afraid the correct answer was C.
03:58Oh, Jeremy.
03:59It's clear to me now that was the wrong decision.
04:03Would I make the same decision again, knowing what I know now?
04:09Quite possibly.
04:10But that doesn't change the fact that live from London, it's Saturday night!
04:22It's Thursday night live!
04:29With...
04:31Are you...
04:33I'm out.
04:33Can I tell you now?
04:37Thanks girl!
04:39Ayozie pampoye!
04:45Larry Dean!
04:49Thank you!
04:53Celeste Trigg!
04:57George Boracan
05:04Anya Magliano
05:09Annabelle Marlowe
05:14Al Nash
05:20Jack Sheff
05:26Emma Sidney
05:34Paddy Young
05:41Musical guest, The Fighters
05:47And your host, Nicola Coughlin
05:59Ladies and gentlemen, Nicola Coughlin
06:16Thank you so much. I am Nicola Coughlin and I am so excited to be here hosting what is increasingly
06:24becoming SNL UK and Ireland.
06:29So you might know me from Derry Girls, where I played a schoolgirl who came out as a lesbian, or
06:34Big Mood, where I played a writer who came out as bipolar, or Bridgerton, where I played an aristocrat who
06:41came out as a messy bitch who lives for drama.
06:44Isn't that all like me in real life?
06:47Jack Shepp
06:48Yeah, he drank all of Emma Sidney's banana yazoo
06:53Fun fact though, back when I had nothing but dreams I actually used to sell frozen yogurt across the street.
06:58It's a true story.
06:59But, um, since I'm rich and famous now, someone gets it for me
07:04Two scoops of Barry Blast
07:06Not now, Minion
07:08But I have to say being here is such a dream come true
07:10I am an SNL super fan
07:12I can't believe I get to stand on this famous set where some of the most talented entertainers have stood
07:17like Tina Fey, or Jamie Dornan, or me
07:20Five weeks ago
07:22Yeah, I was here on that very first ever episode of SNL UK last month where I got to live
07:28every man's dream
07:29shouting at a female comedian on television
07:33This evening, I really wanted to like recreate the magic of the original 1970s SNL. So to prepare I have
07:40consumed a staggering amount of cocaine
07:43Honestly, I could knock out a horse
07:46But look, it's an honor to be hosting. It sort of feels like I manifested it somehow. It's it's almost
07:52like this place is like magic
07:54That's because it is
08:07It's SNL Royal P. Jimmy Fallon
08:08Yeah, thanks for having me. Uh, sorry. I can you repeat your name?
08:12It's very tricky to pronounce. Yeah, yeah, of course. It's Nicola
08:16God, I love the British sense of humor
08:19I'm Irish, Jimmy. Educate yourself
08:22Hey, educate yourself. My great-great-grandpa is from Ireland
08:25Uh, Garamila Mahagat
08:27Oh, speak Irish?
08:29Yeah
08:29Well, what region was that from?
08:31Duolingo
08:32Oh, it is beautiful there. But like, as much fun as this is, could I, um, could I just get
08:37back to hosting?
08:38Yeah, well, that's why I'm here, Nicola. To teach you the biggest secret of SNL that no one wants you
08:42to know
08:42Oh, which is?
08:43Well, don't tell anyone, but it's live
08:48Yeah, they don't really try to hide that, Jimmy. It's in the title
08:51No, you're not getting it. It's actually live. I mean, you can do whatever you want
08:54You can go wherever you want. You're the host. They don't stop you
08:57But what do you mean?
08:58What do I mean? Ben, give me some music
09:01You see, Nicola, we don't have to stay on this stage. We can go into the audience. Look at this
09:06beautiful crowd. Look at this man. You can rub this man's hair in your life. Why not?
09:11It's a heart. It's a heart.
09:12I mean, look who it is though. Sir Paul McCartney himself. Oh my goodness. I can't believe he's here.
09:17Jimmy, I don't think that's a Beatle.
09:19Well, every American thinks everyone's from England's in the Beatles. It's fantastic.
09:22Oh, fair enough. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's funny
09:23This is it. Oh my gosh. Look at this.
09:25Hattie and Anya are getting ready for a weekend update. Give them some news.
09:28Hey, Jack Sheck. He does his number twos in your dressing rooms. Later, nerds.
09:33That's what I'm talking about. That's the end of the power.
09:35Jimmy, I'm getting it now.
09:37Yes.
09:37I'm the host. I can do anything I want. How do you like me now, London?
09:41I mean, this is it. This is SNL UK live. When else can you hold up a copy of today's
09:46newspaper and have it make sense?
09:48Do you know what I'm saying?
09:49Yes.
09:50It's Dave Grohl.
09:52Yeah, well, you should ask me to be best friends because we're live.
09:54He has to say yes.
09:56Mr. Dave Grohl, sir.
09:57Oh, hi.
09:58Could we please be best friends?
10:01Sure. Why not?
10:02Oh, yeah.
10:04Yeah.
10:04See you later, bestie.
10:06See you later.
10:07That was incredible.
10:08I'm telling you, you got it.
10:09You got it. Oh, look.
10:11There's George.
10:12Oh, hello, Jimmy Fallon.
10:14And as for you, don't forget, it doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin.
10:20None of this is real.
10:22It is real, George Boyacres.
10:24I'm the host now.
10:25And don't you forget it.
10:26Oh, gosh.
10:27Oh, my goodness.
10:28I broke up with my bare hands.
10:29You're really.
10:30You're feeling this energy almost too much.
10:32Yeah, I know.
10:33It's like the cocaine is like really kicking in.
10:35Oh, maybe that's funny.
10:36Maybe that's funny.
10:36But either way, it's happening.
10:38You can feel the energy.
10:40Literally no one on stage.
10:41Are we doing the show?
10:42The show?
10:43It's more about the show.
10:45This is magic.
10:50Hey, Jimmy, I can still see you.
10:51Yeah, you're just on the ground.
10:52Oh, hey, sorry.
10:53Sorry, let's go.
10:53Let's go, let's go.
10:54Let's go, let's go.
10:54Let's go, let's go.
10:55Let's go, let's go.
10:59Let's go.
10:59Come on, let's go, let's go.
11:01This is your night showdown.
11:03What a great night we have.
11:05Come on, the great news.
11:06This is your night show.
11:07We have done a great show of being tonight
11:09with me and the iconic big fighters.
11:11So stick around and enjoy this.
11:12Yeah!
11:17Hey, guys, thank you so much for meeting with me today.
11:19Any time, Nicola Coughlin.
11:21And can I just say we loved your work in The Magic Far Away Tree.
11:25Oh, thank you.
11:26Yes, you've done a real service to the classic books.
11:29Oh, look, it's been an absolute privilege.
11:31So what did you want to meet about?
11:32Well, I have actually written a song for the movie.
11:35Sorry, what?
11:36You know, like Will Smith does.
11:37Made like a lovely song for the end credits.
11:39He shouldn't have.
11:40Yeah, you've done more than enough with your charming portrayal of Silky the Elf.
11:44Whoa!
11:45Gosh.
11:46You haven't heard it yet.
11:51It's a far away tree, and it's magic as f**k.
11:54Thick leaves, Nicky C, and a magical trunk.
11:56It's a big f**king tree.
11:57Guess a new land of days.
11:59And you think it's big now?
12:00Guess it?
12:00It's far away.
12:02Hey, hey, Nicola Coughlin.
12:06I play a fairy named Silky.
12:07I'm a little bit thotty.
12:09It's based on a book by the bitch you did naughty.
12:11Magic film in the clouds.
12:13Yeah, that shit's so excitin'.
12:14I might f**k from the twisted f**king thoughts of being a blightin'.
12:17When it must steal your boy, when I'm rollin' with my homie, Scott Field and Ford.
12:21Yeah, there's Fran, Beth, and John, and the family's sick.
12:24But in the book, Fran and Beth, I call Fanny a dick.
12:27It's my first fur for sick and more.
12:29It's got another 3% ride and tomato score.
12:32Critics agree, man, this movie's a blight.
12:34Except for the time, you can eat my arms!
12:40Wow.
12:41Okay.
12:42We love the enthusiasm.
12:44It's not very Will Smith-y, though, is it?
12:46Oh.
12:47It's more like Natalie Portman.
12:49I don't know her.
12:50We're just worried you're missing some of the family-friendly themes of the film.
12:54You only mention how the tree is, um, far away and f**king big.
13:00Oh, I get you, I get you.
13:01So, like, the song should be a bit more about, like, my experience filming a movie?
13:04We didn't say.
13:05It was filmed and ready and I don't need to be cocky
13:08But on the set there was a lady who would bring me a copy
13:10And they gave us meals, the snacks were infinite
13:13Have you ever seen a tree with f**king elves living in hell?
13:16Well, they would have done it.
13:17If this song were to be in the credits, they, the audience, would have just seen a big tree
13:23with elves living in it.
13:25Why is there so much stuff about the on-set catering?
13:26Just remember, when we were filming, there was lots of really delicious snacks, okay?
13:30I think we've heard enough.
13:31I don't know, I don't know!
13:32You haven't heard the guest verse.
13:33Who's the guest verse?
13:34My name is Keith, I get the on-set catering
13:37But when the captain crew's energy is wavering
13:40Anything they need, you knew I was getting
13:42Hey, look, here's my mother f**king name in the credits
13:44It's the fire of a tree
13:46Hey, look, here's my mother f**king
13:47On the final shooting day, we had an ice cream truck
13:50It lived in morale for the cast and crew
13:52Of the movie from the beach, who wrote Maddie 2
13:57Well, thank you so much, Nicola
13:59Featuring Keith
14:00Yeah, and of course, Keith from catering
14:02We actually started dating on the movie, and let me tell you, things got pretty freaky
14:08Whoa!
14:09Oh, no, please, that's enough
14:11I can tell that's going to be explicit
14:17Oh, no!
14:23Yeah!
14:29Woo!
14:31Yeah!
14:37Yeah!
14:48Guys, we literally have nothing.
14:51Where the hell are we going to find a story?
14:52We go to print in three hours.
14:54I don't understand.
14:55It's like no one has insane anecdotes anymore.
14:58We're just going to have to face it, gang.
15:00This is the end of What a Life magazine.
15:04Martin's 71st best-selling bi-monthly publication.
15:07Go on!
15:09Don't say that.
15:10We can still turn this around.
15:11How?
15:11You know how.
15:13No!
15:13Becky, we can't.
15:15We said we wouldn't do that anymore.
15:17But it's our only hope.
15:18It works every time.
15:20She's right.
15:21We're going to have to do it.
15:22We're going to have to talk to...
15:24Paula in the cows.
15:31You're right, Paula?
15:33Did she get up too much last night?
15:35Oh, you know.
15:36Dinner.
15:37Telly.
15:37Having sex with my neighbour's ghost.
15:40Come on!
15:41Oh, that's lovely.
15:44What's his name?
15:46Frank.
15:47Died of fatty liver disease 14 years ago.
15:50His favourite drink was liquidated pork.
15:53And do you guys have good chemistry?
15:56Well, as much as any woman and the ghost of a dead argos manager can.
16:00You know, you raise me the catalogue after we've made love.
16:03I like the toaster page.
16:07Perfect.
16:07Let me write this down.
16:09Why?
16:10You're not putting me in your magazine again, are you?
16:13Oh, my God.
16:15Oh, my God.
16:15No, no.
16:16We'd never do that.
16:18We're just chatting about having sex with paranormal beings like any group of colleagues do.
16:22You're the office accountant.
16:24You're the funnest person here.
16:25Which reminds me, have you had any good celebrity encounters recently?
16:30Nah.
16:31Well, not unless you count the Ross Kemp thing.
16:34What's that?
16:35He rang me over four times this morning.
16:39Paul?
16:40Yeah?
16:40I know.
16:41We was laughing by the first.
16:43He bought me a Twix in the Wild Beam Cafe.
16:45Then he fucked over me again in the full court.
16:49Do you have a picture together?
16:50Nah.
16:51But he signed my bag in elbow blood.
16:55Oh, mate.
16:56Let me get a snap of that.
16:57Oh, I knew it.
16:59You are putting me in your magazine again.
17:01We're not, Paula.
17:02We never have.
17:03Oh, come off it.
17:04Do you think I was born yesterday?
17:06I saw it last month.
17:09Remember?
17:10When I grew an extra mouth after spilling baby bio on me chin.
17:14I perhaps forgot about the issue before.
17:17When I went to Turkey and accidentally married a goat.
17:21How do you may recall this way?
17:24When I had an allergic reaction to chlorine that made me look exactly like Anthony Costa from Blue.
17:30I filmed an episode of Celebrity Tipper Point that week.
17:33I won five grand for a dolphin charity.
17:37They repeated that episode on ITV Quiz the other night.
17:40You did so good.
17:42Yeah, thank you.
17:43Giant ringer's thick as shit, ain't he?
17:46I guess what I'm trying to say is, you just want to talk to us as colleagues.
17:51Yeah, who respect your privacy and don't pet everything you say in over 300 issues of a magazine.
17:56Or Photoshop you with a bucket of cement stuck to your foot.
17:59Yeah, exactly.
18:00Because if you ask nicely, I'd let you take a picture.
18:05Sorry, Paula, your life is just mad.
18:07I know.
18:08Not many people have had 47 anal probes.
18:12God knows what those aliens are looking for up there, but I hope to God they find it.
18:18Right, cup of tea.
18:24Well, what are we going to do if we can't print her stuff anymore?
18:27We're going to have to close the magazine down.
18:29I know it means we'll all lose our jobs, but it's the right thing to do.
18:33Agreed?
18:34Agreed.
18:35Agreed, yeah.
18:35Oh my God!
18:37Guys!
18:38I've had triplets!
18:41I didn't even know I was pregnant!
18:45Oh, not again!
18:49Sonny, call the printers.
18:51We'll have an issue in an hour!
18:53Bring me up, you bastards!
18:54Let's get this over with!
19:09I can never find anything in this thing.
19:12Been there, girl.
19:13Have you tried a bag organiser?
19:15A bag organiser?
19:17You heard!
19:18With my ship-shaped bag insert, I can find anything at a moment's notice.
19:23Thanks to the ship-shaped's lightweight feel, structured lining, and 12 handy compartments,
19:28I have my whole life at my own fingertips.
19:31Ah!
19:33That's enough out of you, bitch.
19:36But with a woman on the curb, bag organisers are costly and ineffective.
19:41Plus, they make you look like you think you're better than me, which you're not.
19:45That's why I put my trust in.
19:48Big Horrid Clump.
19:51Big Horrid Clump is the effortless storage solution for fun girls, messy girls, girls with complicated friendship groups, water-damaged
19:59passports, and infections.
20:04Since I gave myself over to Big Horrid Clump, my possessions have never been so in a clump.
20:11What's in my clump?
20:12Charger.
20:13Used tissues.
20:14A lip gloss that smells weird.
20:16Orange pill.
20:17Retainer.
20:18Wide headphones.
20:19I am Malala.
20:20Credit card.
20:21Bloody plasters.
20:22Loose prep.
20:23Rice.
20:24Also rice.
20:25How did a pregnancy test?
20:27Who's the daddy?
20:28There's no way of knowing.
20:29It was an orgy.
20:30Oh.
20:31Yogurt.
20:34I hope it's yogurt.
20:36It's all in the clump.
20:39Big Horrid Clump is the only bag organisation system that does the work for you.
20:44Got a lot of crap?
20:45Got a bag?
20:46Just toss it all in there and let the clump times roll.
20:50But doesn't that ultimately make your life harder?
20:53Yeah.
20:53What if you need something from inside the clump?
20:55What then?
20:56I don't know.
20:59It's not a clump.
21:03I don't know.
21:06Big Horrid Clump.
21:09Big Horrid Clump.
21:11It is big.
21:12It is horrid.
21:13And it is a clump.
21:15We don't know why we do it or how to stop it.
21:18But if we start talking at that thread, we're terrified of the hell will unleash.
21:24Something hit me.
21:26No!
21:28It's a bit of a face.
21:32I'm sorry.
21:33I'm sorry.
21:36It's a bit of a face.
21:44Hello, I'm Darcy Grit.
21:45And I'm Zoe Bost, and welcome back to QVC's The Jewelry Store.
21:49Today we're delighted to be joined by our brand ambassador full of sparkle gems, Kirstie Frap.
21:54How are you, Kirstie?
21:55I'm good. It's so lovely to be back, lady.
21:58Oh, it's lovely to have you back. We've missed you.
22:01Oh, well, it's actually because I've had a few personal issues which have kept me away.
22:05I'm sorry to hear that.
22:06That's okay.
22:06Oh, I hope everything's all right.
22:07It really is.
22:09And I'm so excited to be here today to show off this fabulous new collection of gemstone stacking rings.
22:17I'm just looking at these pieces, Kirstie, and I'm just thinking they are simply stunning.
22:21I'm thinking the exact same thing, Zoe. I'm looking at them just thinking, how gorgeous.
22:25Absolutely. That's it, ladies. That's it.
22:27And if we take a closer look, you can see that these stacking rings just encapsulate the glittering prestige at
22:40the heart of the Sparkle brand.
22:44That really is a beautiful piece.
22:47What's wrong with your...
22:51What's wrong with my what?
22:53Now is that gemstone, a sapphire?
22:54Yeah, it's actually a tanzanite.
22:56Yeah, it's tanzanite.
22:59And you can just see it twinkle there.
23:02I love a stacking ring.
23:05Why is it so long?
23:07I'm so sorry.
23:09It grew, okay?
23:11It grew.
23:13That's the personal issue that I've been dealing with.
23:17Now, it's taken me a lot of courage to come back here and do this job,
23:23but I'm here and I'm doing it.
23:25Have you been to the doctor?
23:26No.
23:28No.
23:31Not yet.
23:33Right?
23:33And that's because I've moved house, because of the rats,
23:37so I need to register with a new GP.
23:39It's a whole thing.
23:42Anyway, your exactly, as you were saying.
23:45Yes, anyway.
23:46It's okay.
23:47It's all right.
23:48So, I'd like to now show you some of these breathtaking pieces
23:53from the new Summer Collection.
23:56Okay?
23:57Now, the detail on these is simply...
24:00Oh, my God!
24:01They are beautiful pieces, like...
24:04Oh, my God!
24:06Oh, my God!
24:07What's wrong with that hand?
24:08I don't know!
24:09What do you mean, you don't know?
24:12I don't know!
24:14So, with this hand, yes.
24:17Yes, I was aware.
24:18This one, no.
24:20Oh, my God!
24:21Can I pull one more?
24:22Oh, my God!
24:23Yes, please.
24:24Yes, please.
24:26Right.
24:26Now, what...
24:27What was I saying?
24:29Um, so, I think the detail is just stunning.
24:31Yeah, that's it.
24:32The detail...
24:34The detail is simply stunning.
24:39What is wrong with my fucking hand?
24:44Yeah, the detail is unbelievable.
24:46And this can now be yours for an incredible...
24:50It's two pounds now, plus...
24:53It's a great price.
24:55I don't have any signal.
24:56That's okay.
24:57I think I'm losing consciousness now.
25:01Oh, well, thank you so much for dropping by, Kirstie.
25:04Hopefully, we won't have to wait too long till we see you next time.
25:07I reckon it's going to be another big gap before we ever see her again.
25:11Oh, it will, won't it?
25:12Yeah.
25:13So, join us after the break.
25:14We'll be attempting to vlog you a neck jacuzzi.
25:17That's right.
25:17It's a jacuzzi for your neck.
25:19And it ain't cheap.
25:20See you in a moment.
25:21AHHHHH!
25:36Ladies and gentlemen, who fight us?
25:42AHHHHH!
25:48AHHHHH!
25:49AHHHHH!
25:50AHHHHH!
25:51AHHHHH!
25:51AHHHHH!
25:52I'm a broken, broken, broken sister.
25:58This is an evaluation.
26:01Of my illusion nature.
26:04But this is not a chance.
26:07This is a conversation.
26:10I got another proposition.
26:13Only under one condition.
26:20I got a button.
26:21I got a button.
26:22I got a button.
26:23I got a button.
26:23I got a button.
26:23I got a button.
26:26I got a button.
26:26I got a button.
26:32I got a button.
26:33I got a button.
26:33I got a button.
26:34I got a button.
26:34I got a button.
26:35I got a button.
26:35I got a button.
26:35I got a button.
26:38I got a button.
26:40I got a button.
26:46Here comes the crash
26:49One moving two-direction
26:53One moving conversation
26:56Waiting for intersection
26:59I want to take this path
27:02Nobody here is truly free
27:06Consider this an emancipation
27:09From out of my confusion
27:16I've been calling me echo
27:22From side to side to side to side
27:28I've been calling me echo
27:34From side to side, to side
27:36To say
27:37To work, to work, to work, to work
27:42I've been caught in the echo
27:49Sometimes I've just got an echo
28:13Some things you can't define
28:16Some things you can't define
28:20Sometimes you can't decide
28:23Do I, do I?
28:27Some things you can't define
28:30Some things you can't define
28:33Sometimes you can't decide
28:36Do I? Do I?
28:40Some things you can't define
28:43Some things you can't define
28:46Sometimes you can't decide
28:49Do I? Do I?
28:53Some things you can't define
28:56Some things you can't define
28:59Sometimes you can't decide
29:02Do it!
29:04Do it!
29:05That's it.
29:07Do it!
29:08Do it!
29:18Do it!
29:21Do it!
29:30Do it!
29:33Do it!
29:35Sometimes you can't decide
29:39Do I, do I
29:42Some things you can't define
29:45Some things you can't define
29:48Sometimes you can't decide
29:51Do I, do I
30:25It's Weekend Update
30:27With Tanya Marciano
30:30And Patty Young
30:38Good evening
30:40And welcome to Weekend Update
30:42I'm Patty Young
30:43And I'm Anya Magliano
30:47This week, the scandal surrounding the vetting of Peter Mandelson
30:51Seen here repurposing his gimpleash
30:54Has engulfed Prime Minister Keir Starmer
30:56Starmer and Mandelson
30:58It's the age-old story of man meets man
31:01Man meets paedophile
31:03Paedophile meets paedophile
31:04Meets paedophile meets paedophile
31:06Man doesn't vet man properly
31:08Man has to resign
31:10Other man ought to resign
31:12Main paedophile still secretly alive in Tel Aviv
31:16It's a tale as old as time
31:17And it's hard for Starmer
31:19Imagine knowing your colleague is a massive creep
31:22But you continue working with them anyway
31:24So you can keep your career
31:25We call it the Matt Lucas dilemma
31:32As a result of the Mandelson fallout
31:34Civil servant Oli Robbins has been sacked
31:37No!
31:40Not Oli Robbins!
31:42Sir, Oliver Robbins
31:44Permanent under Secretary of State for Foreign Commonwealth
31:47and Developmental Affairs in the United Kingdom
31:51Who's that?
31:54Yep!
31:55The mood is now so low in number 10
31:57that Starmer has resorted to confidence-building exercises
31:59You know the one where you stand on a chair full backwards
32:02with your eyes closed
32:03and just hope the noose holds
32:09All this comes after allegations
32:11that Peter Mandelson leaked secrets to a paedophile
32:14But what we're forgetting
32:15is that paedophiles are famously good at keeping secrets
32:19It's their whole thing
32:21Well, not their whole thing
32:27Donald Trump has yet again
32:29extended the ceasefire with Iran
32:31until peace talks conclude
32:32It's the third time this month
32:34that he has backed off
32:35from escalating the conflict
32:36Well, at least after being on the cusp of nuclear war
32:39so many times
32:41when it finally comes
32:42it's going to feel amazing
32:45The Iran war has caused
32:47the price of condoms to go up by 30%
32:50due to global trade issues
32:52Oh good!
32:53I can't wait to hear the phrase
32:54Sorry babe, I actually can't wear one
32:57It's the Strait of Hormuz
33:01I don't mind there being a condom shortage
33:03because I have a penis shortage
33:11In a video celebrating
33:12what would have been
33:13Queen Elizabeth's 100th birthday
33:15King Charles said that his late mother
33:17would have been deeply troubled
33:19by much in the modern world
33:20because in the modern world
33:21she's dead
33:26In the video
33:27Charles celebrated his mother's legacy
33:29and we can all agree
33:31the Queen was a figure of courage and dignity
33:33right up until the end
33:35when Paddington Bear
33:36Death's tiny henchman
33:37came to collect her
33:40The Peruvian king of the underworld
33:42offered her his paw
33:43and escorted her to heaven
33:45where they reigned together
33:46for all eternity
33:48Happy birthday, Mum
33:51This week, former entertainer
33:53and entertainer of Sixth Formers
33:55Russell Brand
33:57Has announced he's running for London Mayor
34:00and the London Mayor's running away
34:03As part of his publicity drive
34:05Russell Brand was interviewed
34:07by Piers Morgan yesterday
34:08in a show I'm affectionately calling
34:10Women's Suicide Hour
34:16The NHS is under fire again
34:18with Wes Streeting commenting
34:20that female patients feel ignored
34:22Here to comment on the NHS's endemic failure
34:24in listening to women is
34:25the woman who can't be ignored
34:30I am the woman who can't be ignored
34:33Don't, don't even try it
34:35You don't
34:36Come on, boy
34:37Don't look away
34:37Don't do it
34:38Don't do it
34:40Sorry, what was your name?
34:41Jenny Hesselbow
34:46Hi, Jenny
34:47Oh, wow
34:48You really can't be ignored
34:49I know, babe
34:49The minute I walk in the joint
34:51Da-da
34:52Now
34:54I don't know the rest of the words
34:56but you try ignoring that intro
34:58It's electric
35:01How would you advise other women
35:02to not be ignored?
35:03Right
35:03Big hats
35:04and loud farts
35:07They own up to these farts
35:09You say
35:09Don't look at him
35:10It was me
35:11I made the farts
35:14And so when it comes to the NHS
35:16How do you get a doctor
35:17to really listen to you?
35:19Yeah, yeah
35:19So, Paddy
35:19When I go to the GP
35:20I knock on the doctor's door
35:22Tappity-tap-tap-tap-tap
35:24Unusual rhythm
35:24Their interest is peaked
35:28Then I enter the room like this
35:29I go
35:29Raya
35:32I look the doctor square in the eyes
35:34And I say
35:34What's up, doc?
35:36Because this is looking absolutely insane
35:39Then I whip my pants off
35:40Or maybe I get my foot out
35:41And I say
35:42Look at this, you git
35:44Or
35:46Or
35:47Perhaps I'll dance around
35:48In my knick-knacks
35:49And I'll say
35:49Ooh, doctor
35:50It burns
35:51You know
35:51Something exciting
35:54Then I say
35:55Write me a prescription
35:56You quack
35:57I bloody dare you
35:58You bastard
36:00And does that work?
36:02Well, they write me a prescription
36:03For something
36:04If you get my driftal
36:05Don't tell me how to live
36:07Just sit and putter
36:08Hey
36:11The point is this
36:13Right
36:14I am
36:15The point is this
36:18I am the woman
36:19Who the NHS
36:20Cannot ignore
36:21What now, my love?
36:24Joey
36:25Do you think
36:26Maybe the fact
36:27You're a middle class
36:28White woman
36:29Helps you not be ignored
36:30Yeah, it will also be that
36:33Joey
36:33We've run out of time
36:34Patty, Patty
36:35Listen
36:35This is a man's world
36:37But it'd be nothing
36:38Without a woman or a girl
36:41Whoa
36:41Joey
36:42That's about a woman
36:43Who can't be ignored
36:44Everybody
36:49Oh
36:49Oh
36:50Oh
36:50Oh
36:50Oh
36:58The new Michael Jackson biopic
37:00Has been released
37:01In cinemas nationwide
37:02It's the first ever film
37:04To be rated 12
37:05And under
37:08The intended third act
37:10Of the Jackson biopic
37:11Which was to depict
37:12The sexual abuse allegations
37:13Has been scrapped
37:15For legal reasons
37:16Leaving something short
37:17And underdeveloped
37:18It's what he would have wanted
37:44It's what he would have wanted
37:51Tomorrow is the London Marathon
37:52In which 60,000 runners
37:54Are set to compete
37:55Here to talk about
37:56Is a man who's running
37:57The London Marathon
38:01Time to stop
38:02On mile nine
38:05A man who's running
38:06The London Marathon
38:07Everybody
38:12Disgraced TV chef
38:14Greg Wallace
38:14Has announced
38:15That he's moving
38:15To Italy
38:16It's thought
38:17He chose Italy
38:18Because it's the only country
38:19Shaped like a woman's leg
38:22Once he's integrated
38:23Into the local community
38:25Wallace will go
38:26By his new Italian name
38:27Gregorio Sexy Pesti
38:32Ellen DeGeneres' building plans
38:34For stables
38:34At her 22 million pound home
38:36In the Cotswolds
38:37Could be at risk
38:38Over fears of how close
38:39The proposed site
38:40Is to sacred Roman relics
38:42Fragile
38:43Ancient
38:44And strangely haunting
38:45Ellen DeGeneres
38:47Moved to the UK
38:48In 2024
38:51This week
38:52Meghan Markle
38:53Headlined
38:53A woman only a treat
38:55Retreat in Australia
38:56It featured sound healing
38:58And a manifestation session
38:59Where women were encouraged
39:01To be their best selves
39:02Tickets cost around
39:03Two thousand pounds
39:04And I was sad I couldn't go
39:06The event would have been
39:07Perfect for me
39:07Since I'm a woman
39:08And I'm also a fucking idiot
39:14It's been announced
39:15That mobile phones
39:16Are set to be banned
39:17In schools
39:18Which means sadly
39:19Now many PE teachers
39:21Will have to print off
39:22Pictures of their penis
39:22To send to students
39:26Tsunami waves
39:26Hit Japan this week
39:27After a powerful earthquake
39:29Struck the country's
39:31Northern coast
39:31Scientists are unsure
39:33Of the exact cause
39:34But initial reports
39:35Suggest it's because
39:36Your mum sat down there
39:41An American big game hunter
39:43Has been crushed to death
39:44By a herd of elephants
39:45In central Africa
39:46Medics on the scene
39:48Did what they could
39:48But sadly
39:49After seven hours of trying
39:51They just couldn't stop laughing
39:54His body has been taken back
39:56To his family
39:56Where he was laid to rest
39:58In the centre of the living room
40:03And now
40:03It may seem like Britain
40:05And the United States
40:06Have drifted apart
40:07The special relationship
40:09Is in trouble
40:09And something's happening
40:11With the Falklands
40:12I don't know what that is
40:14We could just keep
40:15Making jokes about it
40:16But first
40:17We do want to check
40:18Are you okay?
40:21This is Hand in Hand
40:25In Hand
40:27With Anya
40:28Paddy
40:29And Jimmy
40:31Our American friend
40:32And Weekend Update legend
40:34Jimmy Fallon
40:35That's me
40:36Is here to bring
40:37Our countries back together
40:38Jimmy
40:39We saw you from
40:40Across the bar
40:40And we really dig your vibe
40:42We're just two hosts
40:44Sat next to a more famous host
40:45Asking him to boost our ratings
40:54Thanks Paddy
40:54Or Anya
40:58Look Jimmy
40:59I know America's been seeing
41:00A lot of other countries
41:01But we were your first love
41:03We've given each other so much
41:05We gave you Harry Styles
41:07Yeah
41:07We took your Harry Styles
41:09And made Benson Boone
41:11I won flips
41:13And sure
41:14We might not speak
41:15The same language
41:16But with a bit of effort
41:17You could learn English
41:21And you guys could learn to floss
41:23Whoa
41:23Study on there Jimmy
41:25I don't think so
41:27But we still get each other
41:28I mean Paddy you do a great Trump
41:30And Jimmy
41:31You do the greatest Mick Jagger
41:33Stabble you
41:34Starting up Stabble you
41:38And I can do a duck
41:39I don't think so
41:43Sure
41:44Sure merging our cultures
41:45Has gone badly in the past
41:46Look at Lily Allen's marriage
41:49Sometimes it goes well
41:51Look at Lily Allen's album
41:53And yes we may say things differently
41:56But they mean the same thing
41:57Like aluminum
41:58Aluminium
41:59Parking lap
42:00Car park
42:01Ebstein
42:01Andrew
42:04Epstein
42:05Mandelson
42:07Epstein
42:07Stephen Hawking
42:09Stephen Hawking was there
42:11Stephen Hawking was there
42:14On July the 4th
42:15You celebrate leaving us
42:17But from this day forward
42:18April the 25th
42:19Will henceforth be known as
42:21Codependence Day
42:22Take that World Malaria Day
42:30Yeah suck it malaria
42:32Tell them Jimmy
42:33So let's celebrate our nations
42:35For Britain
42:36For America
42:37For Weekend Update
42:39I'm Paddy Yone
42:40And I'm Anu Magliano
42:41And I'm Jimmy Fallon
42:43Goodnight
42:47Thank you
43:20Ladies and gentlemen
43:21If I could have your attention please
43:22I wish we would have better news
43:24But our pilots have
43:26Fallen unconscious
43:28But please
43:29Please remain calm
43:30Now I have to ask
43:32Does anyone on board
43:33Have a valid pilot's license?
43:37In that case
43:38Does anyone here
43:40Think they can land a plane?
43:45Right so that is
43:47All the men
43:50For our next question
43:51Have any of you done anything
43:53Even remotely similar
43:54To landing a plane?
43:57Do you still think you could?
43:59Yeah I guess I could do
44:02Well we need to narrow this down
44:04So who here has gotten the closest
44:06To landing a plane?
44:08Well
44:08Not to get my dick out
44:10But
44:10I have been on a jet ski
44:12Oh well done bro
44:14It's going to be you
44:15Okay
44:16Well what we're actually looking for
44:18Is anything resembling
44:19Aviation experience
44:21I have access to the
44:22Virgin Atlantic clubhouse
44:24Oh my god
44:25That's so cool
44:27I am afraid of heights though
44:28Will that be a problem?
44:29Nah
44:29The closer we get to the ground
44:31The less it will be an issue
44:33That's great
44:34We are getting really close
44:35So who's it going to be?
44:37Well I literally just watched
44:39Top Gun Maverick
44:40So I feel like I'm in the zone
44:43The danger zone
44:47Can I point out
44:48That reference doesn't entirely work
44:50Danger zone is actually the theme
44:52To the first Top Gun
44:53Maverick's theme is of course
44:55Lady Gaga's hold my hand
44:57He should land it
44:59He knows most about planes
45:00Sorry bro
45:01Can anyone do better than
45:02Whatever that was?
45:04Well I'm actually really
45:05Very comfortable driving in France
45:07Oh la la
45:09I got my wife pregnant
45:11Like first go
45:12Wait a second
45:17Hold on
45:17I wrote a song called
45:20Learn to Fly
45:22Shut up Dave Grohl
45:26Because I've got another
45:27Confession to make
45:30I have been in a cockpit before
45:33See I always knew
45:35Who be you
45:35That's right
45:37I was on holiday
45:39Mykonos Greece
45:42Me and me wife
45:43I got ripped off
45:45By one of them seafood restaurants
45:47And I don't tell you
45:49That they charge me the gram
45:52Me wife asked me to confront the waiter
45:54Give him a piece of my mind
45:56Simon please don't do this
46:00And what did I do instead
46:03I just paid the bill
46:06Pathetic
46:07She couldn't look me in the eye
46:09For the rest of the trip
46:11Then
46:12Came the flight home
46:14Oh there's the link
46:23Just after take off
46:24I snuck in the cockpit
46:28Slept a little something
46:29Into the toilet's drinks
46:30To knock them out cold
46:33That way it had to be me
46:35Landing the plane
46:36No longer the coward in Mykonos
46:40But the hero in Luton
46:43Luton
46:46What I hadn't planned
46:48Is that all the other men
46:50Would want to land it too
46:51Hang on
46:52We've just come from Mykonos
46:54So you're talking about right now
46:56So that means
46:57You put all these people's lives in danger
47:01Just for me
47:08Go on then
47:11Thank you for having faith in me
47:13Take us home
47:14You've got this mate
47:16Go on son
47:18We've got this
47:20You've got this babe
47:26We got it
47:27No
47:27No idea
47:30Sorry everyone
47:31I was a child
48:01A child actor
48:03Face on the wall
48:08Holding my breath
48:10As I wait for the curtain to fall
48:15Was it good enough?
48:19Was it ever good enough?
48:23Anything
48:24To be the person
48:27That you want
48:29I was a child actor
48:33I was a child actor
48:34Born to applaud
48:39Wasting away
48:41Wasting away is a trace
48:42All the roads I've lost
48:46Was I good enough?
48:50Was I ever good enough?
48:54Is it me?
48:56Let they see
48:58When the cameras are off
49:02Won't you?
49:04Turn the cameras off
49:05Turn the cameras off
49:07Turn the cameras off
49:17I was a giant actor, a name on the board. Losing myself as I use someone else's words.
49:33Is it true enough? Is it ever true enough? Understand who I am when the credits roll.
49:48Won't you?
50:17Turn the barricade, turn the barricade. Say not to who I think you are.
50:28Say not to who I think you are.
50:36Where have I seen your face? See what I think you are.
50:43I don't know who you think you are.
50:47Turn the cameras up
50:53Turn the cameras up
51:03Turn the cameras up
51:32Turn the cameras up
51:35Turn the cameras up
51:43Turn the cameras up
52:00As a영
52:12I think we got him.
52:14That killer can't hurt us anymore.
52:16Worst.
52:17Hindu.
52:18Ever.
52:20Next time I'm booking a hotel.
52:22Airbnb.
52:24More like scare he and she.
52:26No, but seriously, all of our friends are dead.
52:32A.K., look, I know I'm late, but before you start, it's not my fault.
52:39Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe what's happened to us, Grace.
52:42Oh, my God, literally the same for me.
52:44I know I'm late again, but in my defense, I didn't know about the tube strike.
52:48My period pain is insane.
52:50And when I was almost here, I had to go back in an Uber because I had to check I'd
52:54turn my hair straighters off.
52:57We've had the worst night of our lives.
53:00Oh, my God, are you guys mad at me?
53:03I'm being late.
53:04Guys, I feel really attacked.
53:06We've literally been attacked.
53:10Oh, my God, I see.
53:12Oh, you invited Katie.
53:15Even though we're not speaking.
53:17She's dead.
53:19Okay, yeah, that is sad, but she literally touched my boyfriend's knee at Mighty Hoopla,
53:23and then she was, like, really curt with me over text.
53:25There's a lot to say about me being late before she was dead.
53:30It honestly never came up.
53:33Oh, wow.
53:34Okay, so, like, no one even noticed that I wasn't here.
53:37Well, I guess it wasn't a surprise because you are always late.
53:42Do you know what was a surprise?
53:44A man jumping out of the garbage.
53:46Okay, here we go.
53:47I literally knew you were mad.
53:49Yeah, of course we're mad.
53:52Look at the ADHD or is it just CBA?
53:54It is not my fault.
53:56I have always been a late girl.
53:58My mom had to be induced.
54:01You're gonna be late.
54:03Just say you're gonna be late.
54:05We literally have you on fire, my friends.
54:07We know your asses are creams.
54:08I said it's a text.
54:11Oh, wow.
54:12She sent a text.
54:13Oh, wow.
54:14She sent a text for God.
54:16Oh, wow.
54:17Oh, wow.
54:19Yeah, I have no signal in the creepy cabin in the woods.
54:23Okay, so it's my fault Susanna's dead.
54:25It's my fault that her head got pulled from her body like she was being pulled up on stage by
54:29Justin Bieber to be as one less lonely girl.
54:34God, that's funny.
54:37We wish you weren't late, girl.
54:40You are a good crack.
54:41Like, I know it's true.
54:42Look, you guys, if I'm being honest, I was late because I was literally seeing 824 as the drama.
54:51I got Tracy's blood in my mouth.
54:54Meanwhile, you were at Cineworld Islington nursing a Tango Ice Blast.
55:00You don't need to see the drama, girl.
55:03You are the drama!
55:05I just feel like every time we hang out, I'm being told off for something.
55:08For being late!
55:12Right, sorry to chip in.
55:14So, who are you and why are you getting involved?
55:17I was waiting to gain the strength to jump out and kill you, but I actually can't sit here and
55:22listen to any more of this.
55:24You were late.
55:25Take some accountability.
55:31Oh, Clive, you killed a lot of people without me.
55:34Go!
55:35You were late!
55:4244 seconds before I could.
55:54Apples and oranges, raspberries, watermelon and kiwifruit, mangoes and blueberries and loads of grapes.
56:00And Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:02Green, the field is full of corn.
56:04Lit by the light of an English morn.
56:06Daffodils bloom at the sky at dawn.
56:08And Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:10Degas and carrots and peas and yams.
56:12Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:14He played a lover of a genie plouse.
56:16Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:18Single phrase of the days made.
56:20The land and the siege of the world he gave.
56:22For killing the twat who stood to gain.
56:24From saying his name, we must refrain.
56:36Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:38Epstein didn't kill himself.
56:38Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.
56:40Epstein did not kill himself.
56:43I love you, I love you, I love you
56:5344 seconds with four actors
56:57My biggest thanks to the food fighters, Jimmy Fallon
57:01And a huge thank you to the cast writers and everyone on the show for such a great week
57:05I have had the best time, it has been an honour to host tonight
57:21Thank you
57:44Thank you
58:13Thank you
58:14Thank you
58:17Thank you
58:19Thank you
58:21Thank you
58:22Thank you
Comments