- 23 hours ago
The King Of Queens S03E01 Ctrl Episode 1 Engsub
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TVTranscript
00:05hey there hey sweetie how was work well let's just say that a lot of packages are in different
00:10places than they were this morning it's what i do all right what you got there cd apparently
00:17bon jovi is back oh he looks cute i'd still do him put it on you got it coming up
00:49just pull the tab i don't i don't see a tab well there's a tab that red plastic thing okay
00:54that's not on this that's on gum here we go here we go here we go yeah jovi coming up
01:11all right you know give me something sharp now here i just got some new scissors
01:21my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight i'm sitting here in traffic on the queensburg bridge
01:31tonight but i don't care cause all i want to do is catch my check and drive right home to
01:41you
02:06here you go darling i've finished the book you loaned me
02:11tuesdays with maury dad i didn't loan this to you i bought this for someone as a gift
02:17that might explain why it was in your drawer in a bag oh well there it is good as new
02:23wrap it up
02:23there are pages ripped out well i'm sorry i was aggravated maury's dying and this young
02:29man visits him brings him food tucks a blanket under his legs writes down all his insights made my stomach
02:36turn why i've mentored many young men in my time not a single one has come by to chronicle my
02:45wisdom
02:45not one who have you mentored many young men you gotta take a step back okay thank you thank you
02:53darling i had an idea how would you like to jot down my musings on life any interest
03:01uh sounds more like a doug thing
03:06hello hey douglas how would you like to chronicle my life
03:14what chronicle my life come on haven't i mentored you taking you under my wing taught you a few
03:20things about the world and its peoples
03:26no not really i see well obviously i've been casting my pearls before swine
03:34oh good day and i'll see you both in hell
03:40so how was work good today at lunch i nailed down the difference between pastrami and corned beef
03:46one makes me go like this the other one like this
03:57once again question was how was work it was busy busy
04:00q gardens branch was down so they routed everything through us oh that's no big
04:04deal though that new kid rico i'm working with really came through he was like hey that's no
04:08problem we just double it up jack pushy baby is that the way he talks yeah he's got that accent
04:15you
04:16know hey jack how you doing he calls everybody jack i wish i had a little thing a little signature
04:22way
04:22of talking kind of do really yeah you know like when you you extend words for no reason like
04:29like this would be an onion yeah i guess i do have that it's not cool though you know hey
04:42what's for
04:43dinner jack we're looking at spaghetti oh yeah give me a taste baby okay coming at ya yeah feed me
04:50the
04:51pasta feed me come on come on give it give it to me here oh my god
05:01hey what you doing paying our bills online
05:24hey come on why don't you leave your bills behind and get reacquainted with my underduggy
05:29no no no no no come on i gotta do this i gotta do this hey come on hey didn't
05:34you vow to obey me
05:35in our wedding obey me obey me wife obey me look stop it come on and we cut that obey
05:42stuff out when
05:43we wrote our own vows actually i snuck it back in quietly i was i was like obey me like
05:50if i don't
05:50get these paid by tomorrow the power company is going to turn our lights off that's okay baby we just
05:55make love in the dark you know that's the way it's supposed to be you know you like doing it
06:02in the
06:02dark rico oh yeah baby so why don't you say good night to the world wide web and let rico
06:07connect you
06:08huh you think you got it in you you know i do show me what you got
06:23horrible beeping noise must be stopped must snuggle with bear like husband
06:36pretty wiped out huh yeah i tend to have that effect on the late ass
06:50oh hello i didn't hear you come in mr morning sex
06:58doug yeah do we go what
07:08the voice do rico
07:13uh
07:15okay so
07:18you want to dance the samba in the am hey baby
07:22yeah that's the early bird special that's gonna cost you
07:29frankie johnson arthur spooner remember me i filled in for your archery instructor at camp wigwam
07:39oh for god's sakes i mentioned you
07:44fine see you in hell
07:49who is it a taste of bombay oh terrific
07:56hi there hello you have the magnetica chicken palak paneer and a lemonade that's 14.82 sir
08:05let me get some cash
08:10come in come in
08:18son how far do you and i go back what is it two three years i don't know
08:24remember that time i ordered the tandoori lamb from you oh that was fun
08:32what what was your name again sanjib sinbad
08:38sanjib sanjob
08:42sanjib look i have a lot of other orders in the car so if you could please pay me i
08:46would appreciate
08:46it oh yes i'll get to that but first i have a few things i'd like to tell you about
08:52the way things
08:52work in this crazy place we call planet earth hit record and play at the same time
09:07dead end package you know if your owner really wanted you he might have been home one of the
09:11three times i tried to deliver you it's a crime the way people don't wait at home for their packages
09:16anymore it really is so uh you're a little late this morning what was up nothing carrie and i just
09:24got into a little morning action
09:27morning action nice work yes no big deal no big deal but didn't you once call morning sex the uh
09:34the best thing in the world that doesn't have cheese on it
09:39i mean it was good it was just that uh i don't know do you uh you think this is
09:45weird last night
09:47i was trying to get carrie in the mood so i uh i did a voice a voice yeah what
09:57like bugs bunny
10:04no i did the voice of the new guy oh rico yeah it sort of turned her on a little
10:10too
10:12then this morning she asked me to do rico again you think that's a bad sign
10:19you did the voice for me
10:23i'm not doing the voice i'm just asking you do you think it's bad that carrie's kind of like
10:26i don't know into rico you know does it mean that i'm slipping that maybe me alone doesn't
10:31turn her on anymore well i mean has she ever even met rico no but i think she's rolling the
10:35dice that young latino stud might be a little bit more of a turn-on than big ass who's always
10:40there
10:40always yeah i see your points i knew it look come on man i think it's fine look you've been
10:48married
10:48for a while these things happen you get creative don't worry about it you uh you do voices no
10:57i do wear a bandana really now are you playing a character when you wear that bandana i guess
11:03not oh so that's still you well it's bad me see that wasn't me at all in bed yeah just
11:11do the
11:11voice for me i'm not doing the voice i just want to feel the magic look you know what he
11:14sounds like
11:15yeah but i'm talking sexy come on do the voice put on the bandana hey rico come here for a
11:22second
11:23hey what's up jack not too much man listen um doug and i were just trying to remember the words
11:28to
11:29that uh uh george michael song um i want your sex um remember how that goes yeah i think it's
11:35something
11:35like um sex is a natural sex is a fun yeah sex is the best when it's one on one
11:43that's right thanks
12:11what have you brought me today son what you ordered
12:19it was very kind of you could you tuck this blanket under my feet
12:35thank you so that's a 1328 right right sit for a moment would you
12:43have you do it i would you like to have a five or a half full
12:58half food okay so you know that one
13:04dad would you just pay the guy and let him leave in a minute and stop ordering indian food it's
13:11stinking up the fridge.
13:13No offense.
13:19Hey, sweetie.
13:19Hi.
13:21Oh, NYPD Blue.
13:23I miss Jimmy Smits,
13:25but good for Rick Schroeder,
13:26you know what I'm saying?
13:27Yeah, yeah, good for him.
13:35Have I told you how much I love you today?
13:38Oh, honey, that's sweet.
13:39I love you, too.
13:41Okay.
13:44So you, uh,
13:45you want to move?
13:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:49Let's just finish watching the show first.
13:57Come on, baby, let's do it now.
14:02Oh, Rico.
14:04You want me to turn the TV off?
14:06Yes.
14:09Well, okay.
14:11Here I am, you big Latin stud.
14:15All right, that's it.
14:17What?
14:18You wouldn't turn off the TV for me,
14:19but you sure turned it off for Rico, didn't you?
14:21What are you talking about?
14:23Oh, nothing.
14:23Just that you're more attracted to him
14:25than you are to me.
14:26Doug, I don't know Rico.
14:27I've never even met him.
14:28Oh, you know him.
14:31What does that mean?
14:32I don't know.
14:33All I know is Doug plays with your hair.
14:35Nothing.
14:35Rico does bingo.
14:37Or should I say,
14:38el bingo?
14:40Let me get this straight.
14:42You are jealous of a guy that I've never met
14:45that is actually you.
14:47No, I'm jealous of Rico.
14:48You are Rico, you idiot.
14:49No, I don't go around calling people Jack.
14:51I'm the one-one-one guy.
14:54And that, to my recollection,
14:55has never gotten your middle third singing
14:57Sweet Virginia.
15:00Admit it, Carrie.
15:01Another man's voice is turning you on.
15:04Maybe I am turned on
15:06by the fact that you are such a talented mimic.
15:08You ever think of that?
15:09Is that it?
15:10Well, then let's get Rich Little in here.
15:11We'll have an orgy.
15:15Hey, is this what I'm like when I get my period?
15:17Because if it is,
15:18I am very, very sorry.
15:22You know what?
15:23It's fine.
15:24It's fine.
15:24It really is.
15:25It really is.
15:25You know, I just...
15:26I guess we've reached that phase in our relationship
15:29where I need to do other people's voices
15:32to turn you on.
15:34So what are you saying?
15:34You're saying that you have never thought of anyone else
15:37when we're in bed together?
15:38Is that what you're saying?
15:39Just the fact that you're asking me that
15:41means you thought about Rico.
15:42Just answer my question.
15:43Have you ever thought of anyone else?
15:47I've...
15:48shuffled through a few images
15:49but then retreated out of guilt.
15:51Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
15:52So other people have crossed your mind.
15:55Maybe.
15:56But the only person I thought of
15:57for more than a few seconds was Don Zimmer
15:58and that was just to pull in the reins a little.
16:04Whatever.
16:04This is so crazy.
16:06It's just a stupid little accent
16:07you started doing
16:08and now for some reason you're mad at me.
16:10I am begging you.
16:11Can we let this go?
16:12Fine.
16:13You know what?
16:13I'm going to grab a beer.
16:14Why don't you give me a jingle
16:15when you're ready to have sex
16:16with Doug Heffernan again?
16:17Oh, yeah?
16:18Why don't you give me a jingle
16:19when you start fantasizing about Don Zimmer?
16:25I'm sorry,
16:26but I really just have to be going.
16:28Oh, yes.
16:29We're all coming and going.
16:31Only the man who makes peace with that
16:33can truly be free.
16:34More curry?
16:36More curry?
16:41Coming.
16:48Leave my son alone.
16:51What?
16:53He does not wish to chronicle your wisdom.
16:56But thank you for your business.
16:57Here's your food.
16:58That's $11.95.
17:01All right.
17:02Here's your money.
17:04You know,
17:05people often ask me,
17:06why is there so much anger all around us?
17:09And I say...
17:17Oh, strong to the hoop.
17:19Oh, that's the answer.
17:20That's the answer.
17:2010-8.
17:2110-8.
17:22Hey, by the way,
17:23thanks for the tip.
17:25What do you mean?
17:25I tried Rico's voice last night.
17:27Kelly liked it so much
17:28that after we were done,
17:29she got out of bed
17:30and made me a grilled cheese.
17:34Hey,
17:35Carrie's here.
17:36Really?
17:37Hey, big guy.
17:38Can I talk to you for a minute?
17:40This is perfect.
17:41Just when he's glistening.
17:44Soap!
17:46Hey, how'd you know I was here?
17:48Your dispatcher told me
17:49you guys were playing some ball.
17:50Listen,
17:50I felt really bad
17:51about our fight last night.
17:52Yeah, you know what?
17:53No big deal, okay?
17:54Just, uh,
17:55see you later, okay?
17:55Bye-bye.
17:56Buckle up for safety.
17:57I know.
17:58It is a big deal, okay?
17:59If your feelings were hurt
18:00and you're still thinking about it
18:02this morning,
18:02that's bad.
18:03Now, I don't want to get into
18:04who's right or who's wrong.
18:05The point is,
18:06this has nothing to do with Rico.
18:08Love you,
18:09and that's it.
18:10Love me.
18:10Got it.
18:10Okay.
18:11All right, honey.
18:11I love you.
18:12All right.
18:13Bye-bye.
18:17Hey, where are you going, Jack?
18:21You liked his voice.
18:23Now, welcome to his face.
18:26Is that what you're all
18:28worked up about?
18:29Psst!
18:30I gotta tell you, honey,
18:31if I pass him on the street,
18:32nothing.
18:33Then why haven't you blinked?
18:36I'm going.
18:37Hey, you're not leafing,
18:39are you, Jack?
18:39Uh, no.
18:40No, no, no.
18:40Uh, Rico, this is, uh,
18:44my wife, Carrie.
18:45Hello.
18:46How are you doing?
18:47She's doing good.
18:48You're doing really good, right?
18:48You're doing good.
18:52This is my girlfriend, Francesca.
18:54Very nice to meet you.
18:56I love your sweater.
18:57Yeah, well, Carrie's just
18:58leaving now, right?
18:59Uh, I just leave.
19:02Drive away, hon.
19:03Drive away.
19:15Come on, Doug.
19:16Can't we get past this?
19:18Don't you want to
19:19Dagger-size me?
19:23Something?
19:24I can't.
19:25You'll just think about Rico
19:26and I can't imitate that body.
19:32Why does this have to be
19:33a bad thing?
19:35I mean, maybe this is
19:36like a new phase for us.
19:37You know, we role play.
19:39It could be fun.
19:40What do you mean?
19:43Doug.
19:45I'm Francesca.
19:47Rico's adorable girlfriend.
19:48I'm very sexy
19:50and very Italian
19:51and very hopeful
19:53that you will come out
19:54to play.
19:57What the hell
19:58have you been drinking?
20:02Well, I think
20:04you might like
20:04a little accent, too.
20:07And not Don Zimmers.
20:10So, Doug.
20:12You like it.
20:13Come on.
20:14Say you like it, Dougie.
20:17I'm not hating it.
20:21You would do Francesca
20:23during...
20:26Of course.
20:27I'll do anything for you, Doug.
20:28I love you.
20:29So, Doug,
20:30you want a little
20:32Italian gelato?
20:33What flavor?
20:35Spumoni.
20:36What's that?
20:38It's got fruit
20:41and nuts
20:43and candy.
20:46Okay, now I actually
20:47want gelato.
20:52But I can get that later.
20:56So, Francesca,
20:57are you ready
20:58for some hot Latin love,
21:00eh, baby?
21:00I'm ready, Rico.
21:02Mmm.
21:03Mmm.
21:04You are a big,
21:05sexy,
21:06Latino star.
21:08Oh, that's right, Jack.
21:14What was that?
21:16The toilet
21:17won't stop
21:17flushing again.
21:20You know,
21:21it kind of smells.
21:24I'll get
21:25the plunge shirt.
21:31Woo!
21:32Man,
21:33it is great
21:34to be them.
21:50And so,
21:51that is why
21:52I look at this glass
21:53as half full.
21:56Write that down.
21:59I'm not gonna
22:00write it down.
22:01You're supposed
22:01to be chronicling
22:02my wisdom.
22:03I'm not going
22:04to chronicle
22:05your wisdom.
22:07You chronicle
22:08my wisdom.
22:10Your wisdom
22:11is stupid.
22:13Oh.
22:14But the glass
22:15is half full.
22:16Oh, that's genius.
22:19So that's how
22:20it's gonna be?
22:20Well, chronicle this.
22:22I'll see you
22:23in hell!
22:26I'll see you
22:26in hell.
22:27I'll see you
22:28I'll see you
22:30in hell.
22:30I'll see you
22:31in hell.
22:31I'll see you
22:32in hell.
22:32I'll see you
22:33I'll see you
22:33I'll see you
22:35I'll see you
22:36in hell.
22:38I'll see you
22:39in hell.
22:40I'll see you
22:41I'll see you
22:42I'll see you
22:42in hell.
22:44I'll see you
22:45I'll see you
22:45in hell.
22:45I'll see you
22:46I'll see you
22:46in hell.
22:46I'll see you
22:47I'll see you
22:48in hell.
22:51I'll see you
22:54in hell.
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