- 10 hours ago
EastEnders 13th April 2026
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TVTranscript
00:00I
00:36Happy Henry!
00:45It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:47Well, yeah, we were going to do it at the Albert,
00:48but Mark got Harry's barn, so we're going to start it early.
00:51Where have you come as? Marge Simpson?
00:54Suck with me. I'm a wee for Franklin, thank you very much.
00:57I'll say a little prayer for you,
00:59because the theme is actually 60s chic, yeah?
01:02So this rainetta slob look is not going to cut it, babe.
01:05Do you know what? I would rather a couple of wines
01:07in a McClunkey's Bonanza bucket if I'm honest.
01:09Do me a favour. Listen, you are not escaping
01:13the ritual of humiliation. It is tradition.
01:17Chelsea! No, Cathy's bringing around your costume,
01:20and we'll see you at Harry's barn later. Yeah?
01:22Yeah. Come on, girls!
01:24Yes, come on!
01:26Come on!
01:30I'll just get a drink in the bit later.
01:32Yeah, pretty nice.
01:33Hey, Sam, coming to the hen do?
01:35More than merrier?
01:36Oh, I'd love to, but I've got plans.
01:40Yeah, I've been in the diary for ages.
01:42Have fun, girls!
01:43Oh, yeah, all right!
01:45See you later, too.
01:53It seems real, eh?
01:57How can I be having a hen do when I don't even know if I should be getting married, eh?
02:02Come on.
02:03Come on.
02:07Thank you so much, Mum.
02:08Appreciate it.
02:09Lauren and Max won't be back from the auction until late, and, well, you know what stag news are like.
02:13Yeah, I do.
02:14And if you end up in France, bring me back a bit of rose.
02:18You don't miss a trick, do you?
02:19Never.
02:20And I get to watch Disney films with my favourite boys.
02:23Yes!
02:24Hercules!
02:25Oi, oi, oi!
02:27Your stag news is going to be remembered for years to come.
02:30Well, that's kind of what I'm counting on, but what's in the bag?
02:33Handcuffs and mankinis?
02:41I really thought you and Ross would have sought this by now.
02:44Nope.
02:45Brushed it under the carpet, didn't I?
02:47I didn't want to hurt him.
02:50He's paranoid that I'm going to run off with my secret bloke.
03:01I love him.
03:03And I don't want to live with his psycho son when he gets out.
03:06Then you've got to talk to Ross.
03:09Sorry.
03:11Interrupt, Saint.
03:12No.
03:13I was just on my way, mate.
03:23It's all very kind of you, but I am quite happy going on my own.
03:26And shouldn't you all be getting ready for the hen party anyway?
03:29I can do both.
03:30Listen, we've got to show Nigel how much we love him.
03:32Listen, ask Jasmine.
03:33She knew him.
03:34He's a carer.
03:35I'm not Disneyland.
03:36Listen, we want her to be part of the family.
03:38Include her, yeah?
03:39Go on.
03:40All right.
03:42Hi, Josh.
03:44Jasmine, we're going to see Nigel if he wanted to come with us.
03:47Oh.
03:48I mean, I know he ran you over and everything, but, you know.
03:51But it was an accident.
03:53Listen, we just want to show him that, you know, he's not forgotten.
03:56Yeah?
03:57I love nice.
03:58Can I go?
03:58Yeah, yeah, of course.
03:59Come on.
04:00Oh, yeah.
04:01Yeah, then I'm in.
04:02Amazing.
04:02See you outside.
04:07Right.
04:08Anything you can say to Zach, you can say it to me.
04:14You said you didn't trust me, and you were right not to, because I haven't been honest
04:21with you.
04:24Talk to me.
04:27I'm scared for us when Joel comes out.
04:34I don't know how we're going to fix it.
04:36We've got time to work something out.
04:38No, we don't.
04:39I don't want to go on my head with all the girls talking about my dream man if...
04:45If you're going to choose your son over me.
04:48It's not a choice.
04:49No, it is.
04:51Ross, I'm sorry, it is.
04:53If you want Joel living with you, then I won't be.
04:56Is this punishment because I said I didn't trust you?
04:59You know, you haven't got to blackmail me over me own son.
05:01I'm not.
05:02I respect your loyalty to Joel.
05:07I won't live with the boy who nearly killed me.
05:13Darn it.
05:16You have given me a lot to think about, okay?
05:19I don't want you to do any more thinking.
05:23I just want to know that you choose me.
05:25I want to marry you, don't I?
05:28Look, I don't have all the answers, Vic.
05:31Okay, alright?
05:32He's my son and you are the innocent party.
05:36Hello, Vic?
05:37Come on, I've got your head out for here.
05:41Are we going to do this in the center?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:54Nice outfit, by the way.
05:57Biggie said that if she had to dress up, so did I.
06:00Well, you've got enough booze to stand alone, huh?
06:02Thanks for sorting this out, Pen.
06:04You've done us proud.
06:05Ladies!
06:06Me?
06:07Oh!
06:07My mum and Sharon have paid for all the booze.
06:11Oh!
06:12Thank you very much!
06:13No, no, no, no!
06:15Not starting on the free booze before the hen gets there.
06:17This is my only night off from being a mum.
06:20I want to let the head out.
06:21And that's just why you started on the booze hours ago, yes?
06:23Oh, sue me for wanting to party.
06:25I'll get me home.
06:26No.
06:27So, my Billy's taking me up the West End tomorrow.
06:32Hashtag blessed.
06:34Are we still saying that?
06:36Hashtag, you know, couples goals.
06:38That's you and Billy, isn't it?
06:40Yeah.
06:41A bit like me and Howie, may I just add?
06:43Yeah.
06:44Oh!
06:44And me and Jack.
06:45Jack, I have to pinch myself on I think where we were a year ago.
06:49Well, you know what that is, innit?
06:51It's the magical healing properties of not sleeping with other people.
06:55Shut up, kid.
06:57I mean, you could have couples of girls, couldn't you?
07:00If you got together with Ian.
07:01What do you think, ladies?
07:02Yeah.
07:03Yeah.
07:04And Denise can give you a few tips because back in the day...
07:06Like I said, shut up, Kimberly.
07:09You know, I don't think I can take the risk, to be honest.
07:12Because I was in love once, but it didn't end well at all.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I mean, it's not like I'm demanding or anything.
07:19You know, all I want for my relationships is respect, compassion, laughter, chemistry, intellect, ambition, adoration.
07:30You know, just the basics, really. Just the basics.
07:32And, um, for Samson's on a Wednesday would be nice.
07:35But, you know, not the red ones.
07:39I think you won't mind if we make it a stark night.
07:42No, it's a mild picture of mine.
07:43No, it's a good answer.
07:44Yeah. Yeah.
07:45Cheers.
07:45Cheers.
07:46Cheers.
07:50Oh, lovely.
07:52Come on, then. Give us a twirl.
07:54Really?
07:55Really. Good.
07:59Oh, you can be as miserable as your mother sometimes.
08:03Come on, then. What's up?
08:04Give me the wine, Kev.
08:06Here you go.
08:11Me and Ross don't trust each other.
08:13Why?
08:15Is it all about this Zack business?
08:17Because you've got to put it all behind you, all right?
08:20It was just one kiss.
08:24It ain't just that.
08:25It's...
08:26I gave Ross an ultimatum about Joel moving back
08:29and, um, well, he said he needed to think about it,
08:32but he still wants to marry me.
08:33Well, that sounds promising, doesn't it?
08:36Does it?
08:37Yes, it does.
08:39So, come on.
08:39Go and put your slap on,
08:41because you are going to get plastered
08:43and then you're going to get married.
08:45Even if it kills me.
08:48He's got pneumonia, so, um,
08:50he's been in and out of hospital over the last couple of days.
08:52Julie, I'm sorry. We didn't know.
08:54No, don't go. No, stay.
08:56Please.
08:57Could really do with you. We're not coming, Nigel.
08:59Hey?
09:02Nigel?
09:02My granddaughter, Jasmine.
09:04Remember her, don't you?
09:07I know, I don't look old enough, do I?
09:10Don't know about that.
09:13Hi, Nigel.
09:16Where did you disappear to?
09:17Well, if we're going to have a pie,
09:18any pie, Favors, right?
09:20That's a really good idea.
09:21Thanks very much.
09:24Help yourself, everyone.
09:27Come on.
09:27Come on.
09:27Julie said it's fine.
09:29It's showing Nigel a good time, yeah?
09:32Jean said you two like a sing-song.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Oh, that reminds me.
09:37I made a speaker out of a loo roll.
09:39It was a top tip in my magazine.
09:42So, um...
09:42Ta-da!
09:47It's good sound quality, isn't it?
09:49And so stylish.
09:50Yeah!
09:51I prefer my speaker jean.
09:53Don't really fancy an old bog roll in my dressing.
09:55Ta-da!
09:56Nigel loves this song.
09:57Aw.
09:58Yeah.
10:04I love you still.
10:06I need you.
10:07I need you.
10:08I need you.
10:15Come on, Jazz.
10:17Join in.
10:17Oh, I don't know the words.
10:18That don't matter.
10:20For years, Dan thought Bob Dylan was singing Knocking on Kevin's Door.
10:23I thought, who the hell's Kevin?
10:34So why do you want me fun?
10:36What happens on the stag stays on the stag.
10:39Come on, phone. Where's your phone?
10:40I'll be phone. Come on.
10:42Thank you, Jack. Lovely. Thank you.
10:44Come on, Ian. What you got lined up for us?
10:47I'll tell you. You are going to love it.
10:49Peter! No!
10:51Wait for it. Wait for it.
10:52We, we, we are going to have an indoor sports day.
10:59No. Yes, I guess.
11:00Is that why you confiscated our phones?
11:02Yeah, so the shame fleets can't see the evidence.
11:05No, no, no, no. We're meant to be in the prime of our lives.
11:09Come on.
11:10Yes!
11:12Right, let's kick off with beer darts.
11:15Beer's all round and a set of your finest arrows, please.
11:18Boys, let's get this done.
11:23So, you and Vicky earlier, looking as thick as thieves.
11:28Why are you having a drink with me and not getting a hammer with that lot?
11:32Come on, Sam. You can talk to me. I'm a mate.
11:37I guess Vicky cheated on us.
11:42What?
11:45Wait.
11:53Just a few drinks, yeah?
11:56That's all I do.
11:59I love you so much!
12:04I love you so much!
12:05I love you so much!
12:06I love you so much!
12:07I love you so much!
12:08I love you so much!
12:11I love you so much!
12:12I love you so much!
12:12We're starting to love you!
12:16I only wanna be with you!
12:18I only wanna be with you!
12:18You're living together.
12:20I mean, is that a total nightmare?
12:22Or is it sexy as hell?
12:24Can you at least pretend you're not enjoying this, Sam?
12:27I'm recovering from breast cancer, okay?
12:29I'm allowed to enjoy a little bit of scandal, right?
12:31That's fair.
12:33So is Vicky gonna leave Ross?
12:36Is that what you want?
12:38No, I don't know.
12:41I want her to be happy.
12:43Oh, shut up!
12:44Stop being such a girl!
12:46Why are you a misogynist?
12:50Look, Ross is a good bloke.
12:51And they've got a nice life to give up.
12:54Steady.
12:55They either go out of work or work hard.
12:56They come in here for a pint of the evening.
12:58It's like the end of a marriage, not the start.
13:00Stop being so horrible.
13:02Alright then.
13:03What do you want?
13:04I want the same.
13:05I mean...
13:07I've got the goosebumps, you know?
13:10Well...
13:12Me and Vicky got its electric.
13:15It's not just sex, it's what?
13:19It just works, alright?
13:23Well, listen to me.
13:26If this is what you want,
13:28then I think you've got to fight for it.
13:30I mean, she's gonna bite your hand off, Zach.
13:33You've got the sexiest bloke round here by miles,
13:35and you know it.
13:37I mean, if this...
13:38If this is what Vicky wants,
13:40and she's willing to risk her marriage,
13:41then...
13:42then give it to her.
13:44Give her goosebumps.
13:47Zach.
13:48What you had an idea for?
13:49I need you on my team, mate.
13:50Come on.
13:51Yeah, yeah.
13:52I'm all yours, mate.
13:58Come on, Mark.
13:59Let's have a go.
13:59Come on, man.
14:01Alright, ladies.
14:02Yay!
14:04Woo!
14:05What's that saying again?
14:07Oh, here.
14:08That sends her apologies,
14:10as she's staying on in the care home.
14:12to give Jolie a fright.
14:15Well, let your hair down, girls.
14:17We will.
14:19I am quite happy to watch the shenanigans,
14:21but I am not going to party.
14:23Aww.
14:25United!
14:26No!
14:27United!
14:29United!
14:30United!
14:32United!
14:35So much!
14:39God preserve me!
14:40Oh!
14:42I love it!
14:43Yes!
14:44Oh!
14:45Well, so it's good that you've got your dad's good looks,
14:47because you ain't got his moves.
14:49Phil had the moves when we were married,
14:51but Grant, well, it's something extra special.
14:54What?
14:54You and Grant?
14:55Yeah, you didn't invent looking, you know.
14:58I was a teenager in the 60s.
14:59Because I have seen it all.
15:02Thank you, Vicky, Vicky.
15:03Okay, yeah.
15:04Come on, tell us all what first attracted you to Ross.
15:08Because he can fill out a check shirt, like, real hair, man.
15:11Oh, it's funny, isn't it?
15:12Because all the hours that my Jack spends in the gym,
15:15you might actually like a little bit of timber on a fella.
15:17Let's do that!
15:18But you're such a liar!
15:20Listen, you've only got three types, do you?
15:22Yeah?
15:23You've got the psycho, the gym bunny, and the psycho gym bunny.
15:27And that's four.
15:28I'll have a bit of rough any time of the day.
15:31Not for me, my Patrick is a smooth operator.
15:35Whoa!
15:36All right.
15:37Now, come on.
15:38Come on, Vicky.
15:38What was it about Ross?
15:41Erm...
15:42Well, he weren't Spencer.
15:43Who?
15:44Oh!
15:45Who's Spencer?
15:46Oh, no.
15:46He was my ex, Alfie's brother.
15:48He, erm...
15:49No, he was very, very sweet, but...
15:53I always felt like I was looking after him.
15:55And then when Ross came along, you know what?
15:57He felt like my equal.
15:59Like he celebrates me.
16:01Oh!
16:03Or he used to anyway.
16:07Babe.
16:09I told him that I can't live with Joel when he gets out.
16:12Why?
16:13He can't blame you.
16:14No, no, no.
16:15He doesn't.
16:15He doesn't.
16:16But what...
16:17What if he can't turn his back on Joel?
16:23He nearly killed me.
16:24Wait, look, look.
16:26I know...
16:27I don't know what it's like to not feel safe in your own home.
16:30But Ross...
16:31Mm?
16:31He stood by you in the end, didn't he?
16:34At that trial?
16:35Yes, he did.
16:35So you've got to just trust him and he's making the right decision, babe.
16:38Joel nearly ruined everything.
16:40Don't let him ruin your marriage.
16:41Yeah.
16:41No.
16:42Yeah, they're right, Vic.
16:43After everything you've been through.
16:45Ross is a good bloke.
16:46He is, Ross.
16:47Look at him.
16:48Look, look.
16:49Good bloke.
16:51All right, men.
16:52So let's get back to the hen business.
16:55Mark!
16:56Where's the cabaret?
16:58That's French for stripper.
17:00Yeah?
17:00I didn't book one.
17:01If you want one, you have to get yourself one.
17:03Oh?
17:04Well, challenge accepted.
17:10No!
17:12No!
17:13No!
17:14No!
17:14No!
17:14It's disgusting!
17:15She's my sister!
17:20Well, you can help me find one then.
17:22Come on!
17:23Come on, you can't.
17:25Help me!
17:27No!
17:28No!
17:30No!
17:32No cheating!
17:34Seriously, no cheating!
17:35You're gonna go on my whistle!
17:37You're gonna go on my whistle!
17:38You're gonna go on my whistle!
17:38After three...
17:39Two...
17:43Listen, thanks for making all the effort.
17:45I'm sorry I was a miserable git earlier.
17:47You all looked after her, weren't you?
17:49Yeah.
17:50I love your little cousin.
17:52Months removed, strictly speaking.
17:54I'm glad to hear her, all right?
17:57I know it was a bit...
17:59A bit harsh, no, the other week.
18:00And, um...
18:01I am glad you're still working out.
18:03And, um...
18:05Ross...
18:06You're a good bloke.
18:08Aunty Pauline would approve.
18:10And as the...
18:11Patriarch of the family...
18:13So do I.
18:15Well, I won't let you.
18:16I won't let Vicky down.
18:18Yeah.
18:19So, how would you feel about being my best man?
18:21As our Patriarch?
18:23I'll be honest.
18:24Good man.
18:25No.
18:25Thank you very much.
18:26Come on.
18:27Alright!
18:27Well, this one ain't gonna do it.
18:30So let's see who will.
18:33I'm looking for a stripper.
18:36Nope.
18:38Nope.
18:39Definitely no.
18:41Definitely no.
18:42I've seen it all before, babe.
18:44No.
18:50Easy tiger.
18:52Easy tiger.
18:54Do me a favour.
18:56Nope.
18:58Hey!
19:02I bet you like taking off your top for the girlies.
19:04Yeah, well...
19:05It has been, though.
19:06Keep it in.
19:07I'm right here, you know.
19:09Oh, don't be stressed, Howie.
19:11I'm just looking for a stripper for Vicky's Hindu, innit?
19:13I'm not looking for a new life partner.
19:15But then again...
19:17Well, Sam Mitchell did just say that I'm the sexiest geezer.
19:20Well, we're out of six-monthly.
19:25It's a bit weird.
19:26No, it's a laugh, isn't it?
19:28The 4% of any of these lot, at least the night of Brighton ain't gonna run away with a
19:32stripper.
19:36Okay, okay, can you shut up now?
19:39I've never had a family that don't care about looking stupid, okay?
19:42That's why the slaters love you so much.
19:44Oh, they love you too. They can be making more of that.
19:50Hey, hey, hey, hey. Honestly, what a day.
19:54I had my mum pack up and it was so sad.
19:56Oh, I'm sorry.
19:57No, it's good. I mean, I came back to the Trumans.
20:00I was all, oh, what have I done? What have I done?
20:02But then Yolanda made me some nice coconut chicken curry
20:05and even though we barely know each other,
20:07it was, I mean, it was just fun just chatting, you know?
20:10It really just felt right.
20:12Like, everything's gonna be all right.
20:18Sorry. I'm so sorry.
20:20It hears me blowing on about happy families
20:22when things are so orcs for you and the slaters.
20:25Especially after...
20:26Anson.
20:29At least they're trying.
20:33Sorry, that sounded patronising.
20:35I'll get drinks.
20:41Wow.
20:42Truth hurts, doesn't it?
20:43Well, he's just blabbering on
20:46because he wants to make a good impression.
20:47Yeah, but what if he's hit the nail on the head, though?
20:49I mean, everything that Kat said in court,
20:51she can't just forget about that, can she?
20:53Stop it.
20:55You saw how Kat stood up for you from the whole pub?
20:58Yeah.
21:00Yeah, she used to do that, didn't she?
21:02Yeah, the slaters want me around.
21:04I just...
21:05I've got to believe that.
21:07I'd just do without Josh staring the pot.
21:19Just do without Josh staring the pot.
21:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:27Now, Miss Fowler.
21:30Yes, yes.
21:32Bad girl dressed up in white.
21:35What?
21:36I think you've committed a foul.
21:41Oh!
21:45Oh!
21:46Oh!
21:49Oh!
21:50Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:52Oh!
21:53Oh!
21:56Oh!
21:57Oh!
22:02Oh!
22:05Oh!
22:06Oh!
22:07Oh!
22:10Oh!
22:11Oh!
22:11Oh!
22:13Oh!
22:14Oh!
22:15Oh!
22:17Oh!
22:18Oh!
22:19It's taking us back decades.
22:22Feminism would literally be turning in her grave.
22:25If God had wanted us to see that he wouldn't have created the fig leaf.
22:29Yeah, I agree.
22:31Listen, do you think I should arrange that date with Ian?
22:35I mean, do you think he's, you know, he's a good guy?
22:39Honey? Honey?
22:41What?
22:42Yeah, where? I mean, definitely.
22:45Yeah, grab every opportunity.
22:48Grab the ball by his horns.
22:52Well, you're right, yeah, I should do that.
22:55I'm gonna find that ball and grab it by its...
22:57Well, I'm gonna look for Ian, don't you?
23:01What the hell was the old?
23:04Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
23:07Vicky!
23:10Grab it out! Grab it out!
23:13Good grief, honey, stop it!
23:15Vicky!
23:22Out!
23:24Out!
23:25Not again!
23:34I'm gonna nominate Mr. McClunky for Mitch and his staff.
23:40Oh, hey, I'm Mr. McClunky!
23:42Yeah.
23:44Was that Harry's barn spiral on?
23:47I don't know.
23:49Look out.
23:50Oh.
23:52Um...
23:53On this box?
23:54No, no, thank you.
23:56Um, so, I've decided that you can take me out on that date that we discussed.
24:01And I'm free tomorrow.
24:04Right.
24:05Uh, just a couple of little stipulations.
24:07Can I ask that you treat me like I deserve to be treated?
24:11And then you don't expect anything other than intelligent conversation and company in return.
24:17And if you're happy with that arrangement, you can pick me up at 7.30 tomorrow.
24:22Hey.
24:24Oh, yeah.
24:25Yes.
24:26You haven't ever cheated on a partner, have you?
24:31No.
24:32Huh?
24:33Well, that's good.
24:34Well, I'll see you tomorrow then.
24:41What was I supposed to say?
24:52Well done!
24:55You look freezing.
24:57Yeah.
24:58Put this on.
24:58I'm all right.
24:59For my sake.
25:01So, put it on.
25:03I'm all right.
25:05I'm all right.
25:06Show up.
25:09You always get your own way, don't I?
25:12Always.
25:13No.
25:21I love Ross.
25:23That's what you keep saying.
25:24Yeah.
25:25And we are working through our issues.
25:27And I'm gonna marry him.
25:30I'm pleased for you.
25:31Good.
25:32I'm pleased you're pleased.
25:35You know what?
25:36Ross is a good guy.
25:37He's a nice guy.
25:39I did it on his lap.
25:41Bed by night.
25:42It's nice that he's found somebody that wants to do the same.
25:44How dare you?
25:47Ross ain't second best.
25:49I am not settling.
25:51Ross loves me.
25:52He's gonna look after me.
25:53He promised me that.
25:54Well, he said that, did he?
25:56You don't need to worry about me and Ross.
25:58We're gonna be just fine.
26:00He presses my buttons.
26:02All of them.
26:04What?
26:04I'll never know.
26:08Do you know why I watch you?
26:10You two.
26:11And then I'll watch you.
26:13You're watching me.
26:15Shut up.
26:16Tell me I'm lying, Vin.
26:17Well, you think you can make me happier?
26:20A loser who gets his kit off just to feed his massive ego?
26:23What? Go on.
26:24Take that.
26:25I don't even want it.
26:26Yeah, well, I've seen it all before, mate.
26:28Why are you down here if I'm such a loser?
26:29Why aren't you indoors with Ross?
26:31Don't worry about it.
26:32I'm going.
26:33I'm going.
26:33No.
26:34Please, please, please.
26:36Just answer one thing.
26:40When you are in bed by nine and he's pressing your buttons,
26:44tell him you ain't thinking about me.
26:51About that night, about what we did.
26:55Go on.
27:05Oh, can't I have one, Niles?
27:11Come here.
27:16Yeah, I've got the best aid key.
27:18I'm on my way over.
27:24Ross.
27:26Don't forget your phone, mate.
27:29What are you sneaking off to?
27:30I am going to find your sister and I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
27:36See you later.
27:37See you later.
27:38Yeah.
27:39Hey, Bella.
27:43It's Velma.
27:43We're going to see you in the sky, Karina, sorry.
27:48It's Ross.
27:54Vic!
27:59Vic!
27:59Oh, Jesus.
28:00No, I'm doing it.
28:01Vic, Vic, Vic.
28:13Cork's funniest. The young offenders are back. More crack, more chaos. Watch the brand new series
28:18on iPlayer. This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
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