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FunTranscript
00:01All right, babes, you are looking gorge.
00:05Feelin' it.
00:06Hello.
00:08Got a little hair on your shirt.
00:10I just grabbed up.
00:17Oh.
00:18My.
00:18God.
00:19That's no stray.
00:21That suckers attached.
00:22To my tits.
00:23It's breached the shirt.
00:26That is amazing.
00:27And disgusting.
00:28Why is it so long?
00:30Well, we're going to need more than those spaghetti arms, sweetie.
00:34Just pluck it.
00:35Just pluck it.
00:37Can I get a hand?
00:42Oh.
00:45Oh.
00:52Oh.
00:55Oh.
00:55Oh.
00:57Oh.
01:01Oh.
01:02Oh.
01:02Oh.
01:04Oh.
01:05Oh.
01:06Oh.
01:07Oh.
01:08Oh.
01:09Oh.
01:09Oh.
01:10Oh.
01:11Oh.
01:12Oh.
01:12Oh.
01:14Oh.
01:17Oh.
01:23Oh.
01:24Can I just say how impressed I am with us as a people that this year has been the year
01:32of the tit.
01:33Like, it has been such a strong year for tits.
01:35Like, I have signed more boobs this year than I have any other time in my entire career.
01:41And some of them were even on women.
01:45Thank you, Jesus, that I'm a lesbian, that I can enjoy these little delights in life.
01:51I mean, that's not the only reason that I'm so happy that I'm a lesbian and an inter-woman because,
01:56you know, I look at straight people and I go, you poor bastards, you have no idea.
02:01Gay couples, that makes sense to me.
02:03You're on even par, but these couples, what is...
02:08You poor bastards, like, because men aren't ready.
02:11You know, women, our natural talent is to argue.
02:14That is our gift that Jesus gave us.
02:16He gave us a memory and a fucking storage tank that can hold all the shit your partner has ever
02:24done.
02:24We even take notes when his mum goes, you know, he used to be real naughty as a boy.
02:28He goes, save that.
02:30I can pull that back up later.
02:33But men, you're just not equipped.
02:35Like, I see when I see straight couples fight.
02:37It's like, you know when you see a little boy, like a four-year-old race his dad?
02:41And dad usually at the end just goes, and beats him and the boy's devastated.
02:47Yeah, that's straight couples.
02:50You think you can call some shit out?
02:52Oh, you saw her coffee cup in the lounge and anything.
02:55Don't worry, I've taken your cup to the kitchen for you.
03:01You want to talk about the cup in the lounge?
03:04Because I've been meaning to talk to you about the giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink after you've brushed
03:13your teeth.
03:14That's why she doesn't kiss you anymore.
03:16You know, when you get to a part in your relationship, you go, we're never pash anymore.
03:20Remember how we used to, like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:24Why don't we ever do that anymore?
03:25It's like, because, motherfucker, I don't know how you brush your teeth.
03:33Great dinner, babe.
03:35Well, it was teamwork, but a chicken.
03:38Just more.
03:41Did you rinse that?
03:42Huh?
03:43Did you rinse that?
03:44Did you see me rinse it?
03:46You know you're supposed to rinse it before you put in the dishwasher,
03:48otherwise you're going to clog the dish valve.
03:50I've told you this.
03:51Don't snap at me.
03:52Well, I've told you this, like, a dozen times, but you never listen.
03:55What do you think happens?
03:56It just magically washes itself?
03:59I mean, how hard is it to rinse plates?
04:01I don't want to argue with you, Timothy.
04:03Yeah, well, I do, Abigail.
04:06I need you to know that women take arguing very, very seriously.
04:11So I need you to ask yourself, are you ready to argue with a woman?
04:18Yeah.
04:21Okay.
04:23Wait, what's that?
04:25Timothy, you had your chance to pull out, and you didn't.
04:292019, 2015.
04:31Here we go.
04:33Christmas Day.
04:342012.
04:36You had a good old look at my sister's tits while she was cutting up food.
04:41How is that relevant?
04:42I mean, no one didn't.
04:44Yeah, you did.
04:44She was wearing a loose linen top, and as she leaned forward, it presented an opportunity,
04:49and you stared directly at her ample bosom.
04:53I might have glanced.
04:54I might have glanced.
04:55What are you at?
04:56Let's go to the take, shall we?
05:01Look at that.
05:03Direct.
05:06I've never seen you that focus in your entire life.
05:37I was just looking at the sourdough.
05:38All right, that's inadmissible.
05:41The court would like to call witness 13C to the stand, please.
05:45Talk us through what you witnessed.
05:47Did you see anyone making any gestures with their hands on the note?
05:52I believe it was something like, honk, honk.
05:56Oh.
05:57And is the person who went, honk, honk, in court here today with us?
06:02Yes, it was him.
06:04All right, who went?
06:05I'm sorry, I give up.
06:06No more questions, Your Honour.
06:08I find the defendant guilty on three counts of dead shittery, and all counts of being a
06:13perc.
06:14Thank you, Your Honour.
06:17This is fun.
06:18We should cook together more often.
06:19I love it.
06:23Oh, you should call a plumber.
06:26That valve's going to be super clogged.
06:35It's this one.
06:36It's recycling.
06:37We've been through this.
06:38No, no, no.
06:39Daylight savings.
06:40The contents of the bin changed.
06:41What?
06:42Where did you read that?
06:43Oh, here she is.
06:44It's Hira Lesb.
06:45Perfect.
06:46Hello there.
06:48Thanks for coming, Hira Lesbian.
06:50Hi.
06:51Call me Lesley.
06:52I'm your friendly neighbourhood Hira Les consultant.
06:56Trust me to do the jobs your hopeless husband can't.
06:59I'm glad you're here.
07:00My ears were starting to ring after all the nagging.
07:02Yep, yep, yep.
07:03This one.
07:04How about you leave all the joking to me, pal?
07:06Hey?
07:07And everything else?
07:08Oh.
07:09So what I'm going to do, I'm going to start off by mowing your lawn.
07:13Mm-hmm.
07:13Now I'm going to cut your grass.
07:15What?
07:16Wonderful.
07:16And then I'm going to clean out your chimney, get all those cobwebs right out.
07:20Yeah, so she's ready to burn.
07:22God.
07:23Do you know what I mean?
07:27He doesn't know.
07:28I take a lot of time, but a good time.
07:31A thorough time.
07:32Yeah.
07:33That could be good.
07:34Right, honey?
07:35Yeah, I could be into that.
07:39I don't know why you do that.
07:45It's good to get the meals.
07:48That just seems inefficient.
07:50Impressive.
07:51Yeah, we love this.
07:53I love this.
07:54Would you like some tea?
07:55What?
07:56Would you like some tea?
07:58No, I don't like you.
07:59I'm going to get you some tea.
08:04There she goes, hammering away.
08:06Good on her.
08:08How do you take your tea?
08:09Harder.
08:10Harder.
08:11Harder.
08:12Don't know what that means.
08:13Do you take milk?
08:14Yes.
08:15Yes.
08:16Yes.
08:17Okay.
08:17Heard you the first time.
08:19Yes.
08:20Yes.
08:20Yes.
08:21It's going in so deep.
08:23Oh, my God.
08:23What's going on in here?
08:26Oh, some people call it carpentry.
08:28They call it foreplay.
08:30Foreplay?
08:31I know about foreplay from the hardware store.
08:341200 long with a laminated back.
08:36Foreplay?
08:37He don't bother.
08:38He doesn't get it.
08:39He never has.
08:41Okay, I'll just leave this here.
08:43Yeah, just leave them.
08:45Door open or closed?
08:46Open.
08:47We don't care.
08:48Bye-bye-bye-bye.
08:49Where were we?
08:51Okay.
08:52So you want to go in real deep, but slow and steady, but keep your pace.
08:58All I want to say is the only thing that we should take from men are your toilets.
09:04We're going to take the toilets because even right now, as you're sitting here, the women
09:08are already starting to stress because they need to go to the toilet and, you know, we
09:11have to line up to use the toilet like we're farm animals.
09:15And I'm like, why are we struggling?
09:17We need to take the men's toilets.
09:20We need to take it off them.
09:21You boys can just piss in the street like you do anyway.
09:24There's not one person in here who's not stumbled down an alleyway and saw some random
09:30two o'clock in the morning dick, right?
09:32You guys can just go piss down a drain or piss in a bottle or piss in anything.
09:36You can literally piss in anything.
09:38We know you can't do it in the toilets, Platterfree.
09:43So what we're going to do is we will take your toilets.
09:46And ladies, I'm putting a urinal in for us.
09:49Like, like a trough.
09:51Because, of course, it's the only way we can do it.
09:54We can't be standing against the wall.
09:56So we go in and you just kind of climb over that thing.
10:01I mean, obviously, we all have to face the same way.
10:06You can't get one over-eager lesbian coming in going, don't mind if I do.
10:12You're like, no, Leslie, no.
10:15But guys, you've got to help a bitch out.
10:17Because, you know, we go through a lot when we have to line up.
10:20That's why women are always closer than men.
10:22We're easier to talk to each other.
10:24Because we practice when we're standing in the queue to use the toilet.
10:27Because we're all standing there waiting for our turn to hold the door.
10:33We just shuffle on little bits by little bits when our tits are touching her back.
10:39Because you've got to keep it tight.
10:40And all the men are just...
10:43And that is why we need our own urinals.
10:46And we are coming to take them from you.
11:13How long have you guys been waiting?
11:15I don't remember.
11:24Oh, that's some bullshit.
11:31Hey, what's it like in that?
11:32Is there soap?
11:33What's the toilet paper like?
11:35It's...
11:35It's one ply.
11:38And there's only two cubicles.
11:40For all of us!
11:41Oh, stop there.
11:42No.
11:43No.
11:44This can't be.
11:45My molars are floating in my head.
11:47I need to piss right now.
11:49My tina is to the brim.
11:51This is bullshit!
11:55Why must we be treated like second-class citizens?
11:59We are human too.
12:00We deserve to piss freely like the men do.
12:03If you cut us, do we not bleed?
12:05If we are busting, do we not piss?
12:07I piss.
12:07I don't know about you ladies, but I can't stand idly by while men can just go toilet wherever
12:13and whenever their tiny little dicks want to go.
12:16Hell yeah!
12:18They don't have to queue.
12:19They don't have to wipe.
12:20They don't even wash their hands.
12:22They don't even really need a toilet.
12:24They can piss wherever they like.
12:25I've seen a guy piss in a coke bottle.
12:27I've seen a guy piss out of a window.
12:28Have you ever pissed out of a window?
12:30No, because you're not a goddamn animal.
12:32What can we do?
12:32We can fight back.
12:34That's what we're going to do.
12:35We're going to take their toilets from them.
12:37Women pissing in the men's room, I've heard about girls who do that, but I always thought
12:42it was just a myth.
12:44If they want us to work like men and repress our feelings like men, then by God, we shall
12:50piss like men!
12:51Out of the trenches and into the trough!
12:53Out of the trenches and into the trough!
12:55Out of the trenches and into the trough!
12:57Out of the trenches and into the trough!
13:00Yeah!
13:30You made a murder board of all the possible suspects.
13:33Ah, this is my wish I could murder board.
13:35Murder board for the case is over there.
13:39Getting into the mind of a killer.
13:41Brilliant.
13:43I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer.
13:47I understand the desire to kill on such a deep cellular level that it scares the shit out
13:55of me and it should make your piss run the ice cold.
14:02There's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board.
14:06What did they all do?
14:07That was so bad.
14:09This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic.
14:12This guy here, three and a half minutes of a monologue at a dinner party.
14:17Drove me nuts.
14:18This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket and he was just doing this weird little dancing.
14:24Like that, like that.
14:25And every time he did that, he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the queue.
14:30And I had to gently remind him by ramming his ankles and my controlling.
14:34So frustrating.
14:35Yes, that's pretty bad.
14:37Bad?
14:38It's evil.
14:39I would kill them if it wasn't illegal.
14:42Or if I knew I could get away with it.
14:46Wait.
14:48Wait, is that a photo of me?
14:54Here you go, Detective.
14:55Thanks.
14:56Did you file that affidavit I gave you this morning?
14:58Oh, no.
14:58It's been quite busy out on the front desk.
15:00I'm losing the will to live.
15:01It was a yes or no question.
15:03No.
15:06In this case...
15:16I can't sort that out now.
15:19Do you think that was a bit harsh?
15:21Maybe you'd need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down.
15:25Calm down?
15:26Mate?
15:28I'm calm.
15:29I'm as calm as I come.
15:32You've not seen karma in your entire life!
15:35I showed up calm!
15:36Oh!
15:37I'm calm as all hell!
15:41No, no, no!
15:43Get it!
15:45Oh, my lucky pup.
15:49Calm down!
15:52Don't burn!
15:53I am calm!
15:56I'm calm!
16:05I'm calm!
16:18I'll tell you what, Detective.
16:20You were right.
16:22You did calm me down a little bit.
16:24I'm going to go for lunch.
16:25How about you clean up this mess before I get back and no one gets hurt?
16:29Hey?
16:34That's a splestimus.
16:38Hi, um, I can see your age in this room.
16:41I can sort of get a vibe for you.
16:43And do you remember...
16:44Oh, not you too.
16:44But do you remember how we used to dance in the 80s and 90s?
16:49Do you remember going to the club and we'd all be dancing?
16:54Do you know why we had to dance like that?
16:56Because deodorant only lasted for three hours.
16:59You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air.
17:01People would pass out.
17:03But then the deodorant companies came to the party.
17:05They go, we'll give you six hours.
17:07Then we'd start dancing with the fingers like...
17:11Then the deodorant companies went even longer.
17:14Now it's 24 and 48.
17:16There's a deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours.
17:20What are you, trapped in a mine?
17:23Who needs 72 hours?
17:26In a 24-hour cycle, you've got to put your ass in water.
17:31You've got to be fresh.
17:33You've got to get in there and scrub everywhere.
17:36Like, and I mean everywhere.
17:38Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower gel.
17:42Get a loofah, lather that bitch up and get involved.
17:45And wash everywhere.
17:49I mean, if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole, that's fine.
17:52You do the shower gel and check that the foam comes out clean.
17:58I know, I can hear you know how to wash your asshole.
18:01I didn't have to explain that to you.
18:05Also, you've got to be fresh.
18:07I'm telling you now.
18:08You've got to be fresh all the time.
18:10Because if you're not, when you stink, you make the rest of us paranoid.
18:15It doesn't matter how fresh I am.
18:17If you are not fresh, you walk past me and...
18:22Fuck, is that me?
18:23I start questioning myself like I've never met me.
18:27Now I have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know.
18:56I'm sorry.
18:58I don't know.
18:59I don't know.
19:00I don't know.
19:01Hey, hey, hey, what's up, what's up?
19:03Welcome to the house of Anastasia.
19:06We love you, Anastasia.
19:08Thanks, doll face.
19:09My next single is a dance hall banger,
19:12and I need you to bring the heat.
19:16Trava.
19:17Davis section.
19:18Trava Davis.
19:19Davis, just show me what you got on the choreography.
19:21OK, let's hit the track.
19:42We'll just cut the track there, sorry, just one second.
19:44Yeah, sorry, what are you doing?
19:46Dancing my heart out.
19:48Who is she?
19:49Ignore her, she's from a lesbian outreach program.
19:55I think we should just ignore her, maybe even cut her,
19:58because dancing was very good.
19:59Well, maybe I do agree.
20:01She wasn't dancing very good.
20:03I think she was dancing great.
20:06Yes!
20:07Yeah, you got the talent.
20:08Yeah, I'm talking, mom.
20:10Hey, Rod.
20:11So, Ursula, are you ready to step up to the streets?
20:14Yes, I train.
20:16I'm ready to take center stage with you.
20:18You better save the last dance for me.
20:20I'll be naming early 2000s dance films,
20:22because, um, um, because, because Dirty Dance,
20:27it's the 80s, this is hard.
20:28Hey, Coyote Ugly, zip it.
20:30Yeah.
20:30Hit the track!
20:31Dancers, step up.
20:34Lock it in.
20:35See, this is hard.
20:36Lock it in.
20:37We're 49-year-old ladies having a hot flush.
20:40Yes.
20:41Hot!
20:41I got finger guns.
20:42I got finger guns.
20:43OK, I'm going to just call it the finger gun, sorry.
20:46Um, it's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes.
20:49I have been a drunk auntie at a wedding, and I think that's me.
20:52That's exactly what it's going for.
20:53Yes!
20:54You've got me, and I've got you.
20:55Hit it!
20:56It's late, and the vodka's hit hard.
20:59Yeah.
21:00Dancing.
21:01It's 90% eyebrows.
21:02Get them up!
21:03I can do the side of my face.
21:05That's how we get the store out of the drink.
21:07Oh, I do that a lot.
21:10Get your tits out!
21:12Stretch your butt, stretch your butt.
21:14Where's my keys?
21:15Where's my keys?
21:16No, enough, enough, enough, enough.
21:17I can't watch another second of this.
21:19I am a trained dancer, OK?
21:22I want to be doing, like, body rolls and spins.
21:25You shouldn't do any of that at your age.
21:26It'll make you sick.
21:27I am 34 and 13 months.
21:30Look, Anastasia, can you please just do my choreography?
21:33I'm a bit confused.
21:34Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?
21:38You did, Anastasia.
21:40So I think that I can choose who's doing the choreography.
21:44All right, then.
21:45Well, who are we going to pitch?
22:11This is stupid.
22:16This is stupid.
22:17Oh!
22:21I told you that was going to happen.
22:24Oh, my God.
22:24What are you eating?
22:28I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight.
22:32But I also don't want you to leave here tonight thinking I don't like men
22:35or I don't think that men have a special talent.
22:38Of course you do.
22:40You know, men are extremely gifted.
22:43When your wife is not feeling great to go,
22:45why don't you put on a bit of a happy face?
22:47Why don't you smile a bit?
22:49It's adorable and I think it's your strength.
22:52I think the fact that you have that absolute sheer inability to read a room,
22:56I like it.
22:57You guys have been great.
22:58Thank you so much.
23:03So what I'm going to do...
23:08You've forgotten your line.
23:09No, I have not.
23:10Oh, shit.
23:11I'm going to polish a doorknob for six, eight hours.
23:16Like suggesting Sam's got a tiny dip?
23:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:20The mills.
23:20I'm right here by the way.
23:24I don't want to argue with you, Taryn.
23:27Well, I do.
23:28Because Stephanie, how hard is it to rinse dishes?
23:32I could hear your lips flap the whole time.
23:34What?
23:35Trying to intimidate my witness.
23:36Oh, it was your lips flapping too.
23:37Yeah, well...
23:38Why are you just...
23:39You have six children.
23:40You put six children inside me.
23:42This is why my lips flap.
23:43Okay?
23:49We're not on a windy day.
23:50I'm healthy.
23:52Me, we are improving here.
23:54This is usable.
23:55Yeah, all right.
23:56All right, all right, all right.
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