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Watch The Miniature Wife Season 1 Episode 9 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:07New Year, new us.
00:09I've arranged to get the Vermont gang back together.
00:11Are Gary and Meg going to be there?
00:13Terry, girl, we did it.
00:15You famously fictionalized your difficult relationship with your mother.
00:18I can barely show my face at Wine Club Wednesday.
00:22Your mother needs your Wine Club Wednesdays.
00:24That's not a stretch.
00:25Your mother was protecting you from your father.
00:27You are without a doubt your father's son.
00:30I would rather die a six-inch death than see Les win a fucking Nobel.
00:36Hilton is going to sell the tech to the military.
00:40We can't be party to that.
00:42Let's finish what we started.
00:44Limitless stabilization!
00:46It is time you knew the truth about Les, little John.
00:49You have no choice but to eliminate them.
00:54How?
00:55Why?
00:56Why Les?
00:59We'll take Manhattan.
01:02Slow down.
01:03Terry, be clear.
01:05What is she saying?
01:06Shh, Lindy.
01:07Quiet.
01:07Okay.
01:07Oh, hell.
01:08Oh, God.
01:09I know.
01:10Okay.
01:13She said yes.
01:14Yes?
01:14Yes.
01:14She said yes?
01:15Yes!
01:16Yes!
01:17Oh.
01:22Congratulations.
01:23You're getting married.
01:24Good luck.
01:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:25She wrote a novel.
01:26And it's getting published!
01:27Yes!
01:27Nobody cares.
01:28It's New York.
01:29So we got cats.
01:30I love this city.
01:31Huh?
01:32Married.
01:32Oh, why would we ever ruin us by getting married?
01:36I know.
01:37It's ridiculous.
01:37I mean, we live together.
01:38We love each other.
01:39What more do we need?
01:40I mean, it's silly.
01:41Silly.
01:42Right.
01:43Lindy, will you not be my wife?
01:46Les, I will not.
01:48And will I not be your husband?
01:51You will not, Les!
01:52And will you?
01:54What?
01:58What?
02:02Are we not doing this?
02:05Or are we not, not doing this?
02:07I don't know.
02:09I mean, we always said we wouldn't do the icky marriage stuff.
02:13But.
02:13But.
02:14But maybe, maybe two nos make a yes.
02:19We've sworn for years that we were never, ever.
02:23I know, I know.
02:24But maybe, maybe the really defiant, nonconformist, rebellious thing would be for us to.
02:32Get fucking married.
02:33Yeah.
02:35But.
02:35But, but like a non-traditional, non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding.
02:41Yeah.
02:43Yeah.
03:07I can't believe that you did all the same thing, but hey.
03:14Alice!
03:14Right here, ma'am.
03:15Oh.
03:16There you are.
03:16Always, ma'am.
03:17Let's put this someplace safe, under lock and key.
03:21Nothing can happen to them.
03:22Check.
03:23Next.
03:23Flowers.
03:24After the ceremony.
03:25Transfer to the tables.
03:26Low stemmed.
03:27Vases only.
03:35Proof list?
03:36Yes, ma'am.
03:37Okay.
03:37Dessert.
03:38Done.
03:38Everybody fucks off.
03:39I get my sleep.
03:40We good?
03:41Good.
03:41Good.
03:42Wait, just good?
03:43Great.
03:44Great.
03:45Oh, one more thing.
03:46Ah!
03:47Videographer.
03:48So very important.
03:49One question only.
03:50What is it?
03:51What is the secret to a happy marriage?
03:52What do I not want?
03:53Advice?
03:54Remember when.
03:55Well wishes.
03:55Gold fucking star.
03:56Okay, ma'am.
03:57Excuse me.
03:58Kevin.
03:58Classic rectangle, not Bishop's hat.
04:00Oh, good catch.
04:02Jesus.
04:03Alice.
04:04Font spelling.
04:06Placement.
04:07My dad cannot sit next to my mom.
04:11We were informed that a Walt was assuming the father of the bride responsibilities by Diane,
04:18mother of the bride.
04:19That is incorrect.
04:20We need to start again.
04:21Kevin.
04:21Kevin, we need to begin again.
04:22Hold on.
04:23What are you doing?
04:23I am preventing a nuclear fallout.
04:26She always does this.
04:28Who?
04:28Diane.
04:29Does what?
04:30Pushes my dad out.
04:31But he's coming, right?
04:32Right.
04:33So we need to seat Jim, father of the bride, next to Nancy.
04:38Nancy, mother of the groom from a normal, stable, functional family, and not my house of lies madness, sadness family.
04:49Okay, Kevin, okay, Kevin, champagne or cocktails before dinner?
04:53Cocktails.
04:53Thank you, Alice.
04:55What?
04:55Jam, no.
04:57Champagne.
04:58Champagne.
04:58Champagne.
04:59Thank you, Alice.
05:00Diane and cocktails.
05:02No food, no absorption.
05:03We talked about this.
05:04She can.
05:05Whoa, whoa, let's take a breath.
05:06We're losing sight.
05:07We're losing sight.
05:08Thank you for using we.
05:11Yeah.
05:11Oh, my God.
05:12We hate.
05:12What does that mean to me?
05:13We hate this.
05:15Right.
05:15Oh, my God.
05:16We do not want this, and that's why.
05:19It's fun, okay?
05:20Everything that goes bad is good, because it makes for a better story.
05:24Our not-wedding wedding for our not-marriage marriage.
05:28It's all nots, okay?
05:30Rebels of the altar.
05:31It's just us.
05:33Right.
05:33It's you and me.
05:34You and me.
05:35You and me.
05:36Okay.
05:36Okay?
05:38Yeah, okay.
05:39But, like, what if I lose control?
05:42Yeah, what if you lose your time?
05:43Because I'm really on the edge.
05:44I think that perhaps we need a safe word.
05:47That'd be good.
05:48Yeah.
05:49Okay?
05:49Like, um...
05:52Um...
05:53Uh...
06:00...and Linda Tripps.
06:01There were only two...
06:03Janet Reno's.
06:05Oh, Janet Reno.
06:07Safe word.
06:07I love it.
06:08I love you.
06:08I fucking love you.
06:10Okay.
06:11Okay.
06:12Okay, but that flower is not in the center.
06:15Hey, hey, hey, come on.
06:16Okay, I'm gonna...
06:17Cool.
06:17I'm gonna let it go.
06:18Come on.
06:18Countdown guests arrival.
06:19T minus 25 minutes.
06:2125.
06:22I did, I did.
06:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:24Hey, hey.
06:25Martin!
06:25Hey, how are you?
06:26Congratulations.
06:27Hey, hi, hi, hi.
06:29Oh, mwah.
06:31Oh.
06:32Here.
06:34What?
06:39Okay.
06:41It's nothing.
06:42Okay.
06:43Nothing.
06:43Is everything okay?
06:44Yes.
06:44Good.
06:45Um, so?
06:46Well?
06:46Oh, Dana felt that she needed something.
06:48No, no, no.
06:48About the...
06:49Oh, oh, oh.
06:49You know what?
06:50Let's not talk, tomato.
06:51Oh, they passed.
06:52They fucking passed.
06:54What?
06:55Vesey ass.
06:56Yeah.
06:56Oh, hey, you know, I'll be at the bar.
06:58Okay.
07:01Diane!
07:02Walt!
07:03Walt needs to use the restroom.
07:06The signage here lacking.
07:08Uh, down the hall.
07:09First left, on the left.
07:10Left?
07:11Right.
07:11No, left.
07:13Okay.
07:14Right.
07:16Good luck.
07:19Okay.
07:21Snub.
07:22Noted.
07:24Les, has he canceled yet?
07:26Who?
07:26Jim.
07:27Uh, no, no, no.
07:35Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.
07:37I think Lindy wanted her to...
07:38It's handled.
07:39Walt will step in for Jim.
07:41Crisis averted, less drama, fewer tears.
07:57Ready?
07:58And what is the secret to a happy marriage?
08:02There is no secret, Walt.
08:06Nope.
08:07And happy, unsustainable.
08:09Enough said.
08:10But I will say, I know it's fashionable these days for everyone to express every...
08:16Can't be nice.
08:18Be silent.
08:20Walt.
08:31Why the fuck are you two doing this?
08:34Terry!
08:35Why are we doing marriage?
08:36Ugh.
08:37Hey, hey.
08:38Hi.
08:39Hi, hi.
08:40Be nice.
08:41Okay.
08:42I do have the greatest wedding present ever.
08:45Open it now.
08:47No.
08:47We're doing gifts after the...
08:48Damn it.
08:49Okay, is this what I think it is?
08:52We have a ton of work to do.
08:53Oh.
08:54No, we don't.
08:54Stop.
08:55It can't wait.
09:03You have to be here.
09:05All right, Stepford.
09:06I want to be here.
09:07It's my wedding.
09:08We agreed that we wouldn't do any work on the wedding.
09:10Does your book go to print one day, Tomato Head?
09:13What?
09:13You told her about the tomato?
09:15Was it a secret?
09:16Yeah.
09:17Oh.
09:17I don't have any secrets.
09:18Get used to it, Leslie.
09:19You can get out.
09:20You have no right to call me Leslie.
09:22Is it not your name?
09:22You have no emotional rights.
09:24Hey, hey, hey, hey.
09:24Hey, look who's here.
09:25Your mom and dad.
09:27Oh.
09:30Wendy.
09:31Mom and dad are here.
09:31I'm right behind you.
09:32I'm right behind you.
09:35Mom and dad, how sweet.
09:37Yeah, I am going all fucking in on this new normal family.
09:40There is no normal.
09:41Do you want your book in Barnes & Noble or what?
09:43Yeah, of course I do.
09:44Take a drink.
09:45We're getting blurbs from France and we're getting blurbs from Donna Tart.
09:48She doesn't blurb.
09:49Here you are worrying about fucking canapes.
09:51Oh, my God.
09:53What happened to our pact?
09:56Terry.
09:56We marry our careers.
09:57We breed success only.
09:59We date and dump.
10:01No marriage.
10:02No traditional gender roles.
10:04No Midwesterners.
10:04No Cowboys.
10:05New Yorkers.
10:06Need only apply.
10:07We were young and we were not serious.
10:10We were deadly serious.
10:12Yeah, but that was when I didn't think I was ever going to have actual love in my life.
10:17I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.
10:19Is it the wedding you're mad about?
10:22Or is it less?
10:24Fine.
10:24I don't like either.
10:25But my concern is less about Les and more about you moving to the fucking suburbs and being
10:30unable to write.
10:31I am not moving to the suburbs.
10:33Les doesn't want that either.
10:34I will never not write and I don't vacuum, so I will be me.
10:38Now I know I'm fucked.
10:40It's a wedding.
10:41It's not a death sentence.
10:43They're one and the same.
10:47Yeah, I think it's the little don't.
10:48How was the journey down?
10:49How was the drive down?
10:51Oh, I'm going to stir the pot and upset Diane.
10:53My leg ramped up.
10:54Oh, no.
10:54Mom, it is.
10:55Oh.
10:56Can I get you anything?
10:57Like ice or aspirin?
10:58Oh, no.
10:59I'm not crying about it.
11:00The little don't turn it in!
11:02Hey, where can we get a real drink of this dump?
11:08Lindy looking hot!
11:09Oh, okay, Sam.
11:10Well, your wife's right there.
11:11Okay.
11:13Congrats, bro.
11:14Thanks, buddy.
11:16Jesus, watch the family tools.
11:21Mommy's not going to come to your defense anymore, Leslie.
11:24That's Lindy's job now.
11:26Yeah, well, I'm going to...
11:28Okay, guys, get in the bar, you know?
11:32Great to see you.
11:36Do you need ice?
11:38Are you going to throw up?
11:45There we go!
11:51Welcome, everyone.
11:52Welcome.
11:53We can't tell you how honored we are to have you all here.
11:57Yeah, as many of you know that Les and I never planned to do any of this.
12:03Nope.
12:03Nope.
12:03Nope, not at all.
12:04Nope.
12:05No way.
12:06But I did know, I did know, I will tell you this, that I did know that when the first
12:10moment that I met her, something inside me changed.
12:15And I knew that I wanted to, I wanted her in my life forever.
12:20And ever.
12:21And ever.
12:21Yes, thank you.
12:24Well, alcohol in a sexy Halloween costume will do that to you.
12:28You got me.
12:31I will say that our first date got off to a bit of a rocky start, though, because I had
12:36asked
12:36her to the classiest restaurant that my grad student's stipend would allow, the Olive Garden.
12:42Oh, that's wonderful.
12:44I was so scared anticipating Lindy's arrival.
12:48I was sitting there waiting, waiting, and waiting until it became obvious to me and to the entire
12:54restaurant that she wasn't coming.
12:56And she had stood me up at the Olive Garden.
13:01And finally, a waiter came over and asked if there was anything else I needed, my dignity,
13:06my pride, maybe.
13:08And I was about to ask for the check when a voice rang out.
13:13Your finest house read, unlimited breadsticks and an apology for the sad sexy sack at table
13:20nine.
13:20I'm glad I waited, because those breadsticks were really good.
13:27To you.
13:29And to me.
13:30And to forever.
13:35To all of those things.
13:37And to you.
13:38To you for making the trip.
13:40We really love you all so much.
13:42Let's eat.
13:43Yes.
13:47Lovely speech.
13:48Thank you both.
13:50Oh, yeah.
13:52Cute, right?
14:02Attention, we're having a small issue in the kitchen, a tiny delay with dinner.
14:07So we're bringing cocktails for everyone to enjoy in the interim.
14:10Great.
14:11No, I have to.
14:12No, no, no, no.
14:13We hate this.
14:15More cocktails?
14:16You know how many cocktails she's already had?
14:18We hate this.
14:18This is a recipe for disaster.
14:20I hate this.
14:21Gasoline.
14:22The match is lit.
14:23The match is lit.
14:27That's what it is, isn't it?
14:35Keeping romance alive.
14:38Les is a hopeless romantic at heart.
14:42Do you remember those sweet poems he used to write when he was little, dear?
14:47He would, he would put them on our pillow every night before he went to sleep.
14:52How did he grow out of that one?
14:54I remember, um, twinkle, twinkle, little me, how I wonder what I'll be.
15:00They get it, they get it, they get it.
15:09Right, or groom?
15:11Lindy, best friend.
15:12Oh, yeah, Les is my best friend.
15:15How come our paths have never crossed?
15:17I don't like him.
15:18I mean, do you?
15:21I never thought about it.
15:23Huh, you didn't say yes.
15:24Oh, well, you caught me off guard.
15:26Well, isn't, doesn't best friend imply yes?
15:29Not always.
15:32You can't get the impression you don't want to be here?
15:34Oh, Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.
15:38You're here with a plus one?
15:41Why, no.
15:43Where's your date?
15:45It's complicated.
15:47Complicated leads to all of this.
15:49You're very direct.
15:51You like him.
15:52I don't know if I do.
15:55You will.
15:56I don't know if I will.
15:59Just wait.
16:03So you ready for the show?
16:05Oh, yes, Gary, when do you think the show will start?
16:07What show?
16:08Wait, is this your first McMichael event?
16:09Have you never been to a McMichael event?
16:12Yeah, I, no.
16:13Why?
16:13Things are gonna get nuts.
16:14Oh, we guarantee it.
16:16Nuts.
16:16I predict blood?
16:18Yes, blood.
16:21What kind of blood?
16:24Look at me.
16:26Tell me.
16:28Is this what you really want?
16:33Terry.
16:34Ha.
16:34You didn't say yes.
16:36Are you working at your wedding?
16:39My book goes to print Monday.
16:41Hi.
16:41Welcome.
16:42How many is that?
16:46I told Les.
16:48Walt will walk you down the aisle.
16:50Dad will.
16:52Optimism is naive, and not you.
16:54You have been perfectly cast as negativity.
16:57Time counts.
16:58Hi, Diane.
16:58You're not helping.
17:00Hi, Terry.
17:01Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?
17:04Pick an event.
17:04Mom, your grievances are not my grievances.
17:07I was the one left to pick up the pieces.
17:10Oh, you mean kick the pieces and say I told you so.
17:16If you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps,
17:19you should be over there with your husband-to-be.
17:21That is your duty as wife-to-be.
17:24Don't mess this up, too.
17:32Mother of lice.
17:34What an accent.
17:36Duty?
17:37Well, you are a wife-to-be.
17:39Oh, is that the book?
17:42Yeah.
17:42Am I in it?
17:43Okay, no one's in it.
17:44It's fiction.
17:45I cannot believe that you are getting married
17:49when you always said you never wanted to.
17:52And I always wanted to.
17:54But I could never find the one.
17:56Not that there is, like, a one.
17:57But I found him.
17:59Oh.
18:00Tim, this is my...
18:02Has anyone seen Tim?
18:05Um, Aaron.
18:07Is that him?
18:08Oh, God.
18:10Uh, yeah.
18:11Isn't he great?
18:12I'll be right back.
18:14I dare you.
18:15Bye.
18:17I don't know what love is.
18:19I don't know.
18:20None of us do.
18:21But they know.
18:22They know.
18:23Last time I spoke to this many people
18:25was for the launch of the Ford Taurus
18:27that some of you probably know I designed.
18:29Sorry, I'm going to bring this down to human height.
18:31I've known you a long time.
18:34Long time.
18:35Remember?
18:36Yeah.
18:37I do.
18:38Oh, this, um, is Les's favorite song
18:40when he was little.
18:41You'll remember it, Les.
18:43I utilised to play the lady
18:44odelow, banjo, odelow
18:45and red lest it odel on my needly-liddy-liddy.
18:47But honestly, when I first saw you two together,
18:50I was like, mm-mm, no way.
18:51Never going to happen.
18:52It's never going to happen.
18:54We're so happy for you.
18:55So happy for you.
18:58To my much older sister
19:00who found the one
19:02so easily.
19:05Has anyone seen Tim?
19:06This so long I see Ling for you, lulululu.
19:11Love.
19:15It's a beautiful thing.
19:22Where the fuck is the food?
19:23Minutes away, ma'am.
19:24I mean, miss.
19:26Alice, you said that five minutes ago.
19:28Hi, Diane.
19:32Then, I held her in my arms
19:34and she suddenly stopped screaming.
19:38Silence.
19:39The nurse said she'd never seen anything like it.
19:41She said, you two belong together
19:45like peas and carrots.
19:47I was in Milwaukee the day she was born.
19:50And to see her now,
19:51young, in love, getting married,
19:55bright, bright futures ahead of you.
19:58It makes a...
19:59They find someone
20:01who loves them.
20:03It's...
20:04It's like that little piece of you
20:06is getting that love, too.
20:10Makes this old man feel...
20:15very proud.
20:18Congratulations to you both.
20:19I couldn't be happier.
20:21Hey, you're the peas and carrots now.
20:24Ha!
20:31Speech of the night.
20:32Speech of the night.
20:34Least it in regales
20:35for the so-called baseball career.
20:47Team kiddo.
20:49Daddy.
20:51This is less.
20:53Mr. McMichael,
20:54an honor, sir.
20:55Jim,
20:56never served.
20:58And the honor is mine.
20:59But there's an obligation
21:01I have as a father.
21:02And that is that
21:03if you break her heart,
21:04I will break your son.
21:08I'm kidding.
21:10Clear, direct, threatening.
21:12With warmth and jest.
21:14I can see where Lindy gets her.
21:17Hey, hey.
21:19Diane.
21:21Jim.
21:22Walt.
21:23Jim.
21:24Les.
21:25Oh, uh, Kevin.
21:26Mom.
21:36You read it.
21:37It's incredible.
21:38You're a big talent, Lindy.
21:40Dad.
21:40Chip off the old block.
21:42And boy,
21:42did you get the Diane character
21:44down to a T.
21:45Dad.
21:45Yeah, it kept me
21:46looking over my shoulder, kiddo.
21:47I'm, I'm, I'm in it.
21:49No, nobody's in it.
21:50It's fiction.
21:50I'm a, I'm a character
21:51in your book
21:52and you managed to send him
21:53an advance copy
21:54to address unknown,
21:56but not me.
21:57Mom.
21:58Walt.
22:00Diane.
22:01Mom.
22:03Kevin!
22:09Leslie, show Dad
22:10what you were showing him.
22:10Oh, no, no.
22:11It's early days.
22:12Show him.
22:13It's extraordinary, Frank.
22:15Yeah, show me.
22:16Come on.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Okay, if you're sure.
22:18Food's not here yet.
22:19See, it's the perfect time.
22:21Go on, dear.
22:21Okay.
22:22Well, um, Dad,
22:24I, I am on the brink
22:26of inventing
22:28the GMO tomato.
22:30Wow.
22:31It's the, so the genetically
22:32modified tomato
22:33really has the potential
22:34to, um, change agriculture
22:36as we know it.
22:37And Monsanto, uh,
22:39is interested, actually.
22:39Hasn't the tomato
22:40already been invented?
22:41Yeah, but this is a new kind of,
22:42this is a different kind of tomato.
22:44You love tomatoes, Frank.
22:45I do love tomatoes
22:47in the sandwich.
22:50Does it,
22:50does it look like a tomato?
22:52Yeah, but it's genetically modified.
22:54And it tastes like a tomato?
22:55Yes, but, yeah.
22:58It's a tomato.
22:59It is, it is.
23:00Nice.
23:03You see, he's impressed.
23:06Yeah.
23:17Bullshit to marriage,
23:18bullshit to happy.
23:19Do you want to know
23:19what genre I file romance under?
23:21Fantasy.
23:21And as for Lindy and the Nutty Professor,
23:23science fiction.
23:25I'm just waiting for the day
23:25my phone rings
23:26and she's accidentally
23:27got two heads.
23:30Attention, distinguished guests.
23:32The food is on its way.
23:35Please return to your seats
23:36in a timely manner
23:37and we'll...
23:38Chapter nine.
23:41Mother of ice.
23:43Oh, fuck.
23:44My mother was not kind
23:46or warm.
23:47Walt, go stop her.
23:49Do something.
23:50I'm no hero.
23:50I'm a emotional icicle.
23:51Okay, all right.
23:52Everybody, take your seat.
23:53Sit down.
23:54Don't worry.
23:55Everybody, mom.
23:55Her feelings frozen
23:56into harsh, jagged edges
23:58ready to impale anyone
24:00who got to...
24:01Stop it.
24:02You're ruining mom.
24:03What the fuck are you doing?
24:04You're ruining my wedding.
24:05Diane, would you like some coffee?
24:07Where's Kevin?
24:07As soon as...
24:09Kevin?
24:09I'm...
24:10As soon as...
24:11Kevin!
24:11The temperature dropped.
24:13The air's hot.
24:14The temperature dropped.
24:15Heaven, we need coffee.
24:18Can I unplug this?
24:20Can I just unplug it?
24:20Yeah, it's a good idea.
24:21Great idea.
24:22Scorned my mother's love.
24:23Unplug it.
24:24Mom, what are you doing?
24:25Hell hath no fury
24:27like a repressed middle-aged mother
24:30scorned my mother's love conditional.
24:32It had to be earned.
24:33It had to be controlled.
24:34Heaven!
24:37I'm burning!
24:38He's fine.
24:39He's fine.
24:40He's not burning.
24:41My mother was not one
24:42to forget or forgive.
24:44Mother!
24:45Stop!
24:46We're getting out of here.
24:48Whoa!
24:48Stop!
24:49Jesus!
24:50Fuck, Diane!
24:51Rock the knife!
24:53Put the knife down!
24:54Ow!
24:56Ow!
24:57Let me stop!
24:58Let me stop!
25:00Reverend Laundrie,
25:01I can bleed out!
25:02I gotta pull it, right?
25:02No!
25:03Don't pull it out!
25:04I don't think you should
25:05have any fight with me!
25:07I really don't think
25:07you should have any fight with me!
25:08Three, two, one!
25:13Holy gracious savior,
25:16you called it!
25:16Double stabbing!
25:18Should have put money on it.
25:19Marriage, blood spores.
25:21Everybody, please sit down
25:24and enjoy the fucking
25:25cuta tartare!
25:34Uh, what happened exactly?
25:37Rehearsal dinner.
25:40Got it.
25:43By the way...
25:45I should probably
25:46introduce myself.
25:50Oh...
25:51What's the secret
25:52to a happy marriage?
25:54Being in sync.
25:55Being in sync.
25:59Such a...
26:00What a shit show!
26:04Oh, my God.
26:05My family.
26:07Always with the drama.
26:09I mean,
26:10I only wanted to get married
26:11to join a normal family
26:12so I could...
26:13escape from the madness
26:15of my own.
26:16Only.
26:20Only.
26:31Do you have any idea
26:33how small that makes me feel?
26:37Oh, hey.
26:40Nothing's changed.
26:43And I love you.
26:44Not enough to not
26:47work
26:47at our rehearsal dinner, right?
26:50Maybe I could...
26:51Maybe I could still
26:52feel my thigh.
26:54What happened to
26:56everything that goes bad
26:57is good?
26:58Makes for a better story.
26:59I mean, are...
26:59We're not even
27:00doing this for real.
27:02Are we?
27:03I don't know.
27:04Are we?
27:06What's happening?
27:08Is this maybe
27:09the drugs talking?
27:10Uh, maybe.
27:13Maybe.
27:13Maybe not.
27:14Hang on.
27:15Where are you going?
27:16Going to my room.
27:18Come bless.
27:19Let's just fuck
27:19that traditional
27:21wedding superstition stuff.
27:22Well, you want to...
27:22You want to fuck the wedding?
27:26That is not what I just said.
27:28But that's what you meant.
27:29No.
27:30Wait.
27:31What's this?
27:33I...
27:33Come...
27:33I...
27:34I...
27:35Let...
27:35That's your vow?
27:36Let's do this thing?
27:38Come on.
27:38I...
27:39That?
27:40That's...
27:40I...
27:40I'm...
27:41Tomorrow.
27:41I'm gonna...
27:42I want it to be...
27:42I got it.
27:43I got it.
27:43It really is a fucking wedding.
27:45I understand.
27:46Hang on.
27:47Where...
27:47Where...
27:47Wait.
27:51Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
27:52Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
28:09Hey.
28:10Hey.
28:12Cold feet?
28:14Maybe.
28:16Drink?
28:18Yeah.
28:25I'm sorry about your arm.
28:28I've been waiting 20 years to stab me with something.
28:31It's okay.
28:35I think this wedding was a mistake.
28:39The wedding or the marriage?
28:43Got to say, I never thought I'd see my little firecracker settle down.
28:49But you like less, right?
28:52You chose dependable over exciting.
28:54Is that bad?
28:56We don't do dependable.
28:57Me and you.
29:04I wanted normal.
29:07Never had normal.
29:12Well, not normal fueled your talent.
29:16Hell, you wrote a fantastic book because of it.
29:20Normal can kill a creative spark.
29:25That's why I can't write my vows, maybe.
29:28Could be.
29:29I should know.
29:33Before I met Diane, I was a lock for the majors and...
29:36But you know this story.
29:37Yep.
29:38Yeah, you got married and then the armoire.
29:41The armoire, whatever, the dresser thing she wanted upstairs.
29:44Had to have it upstairs and then tore a ligament.
29:47And now is that.
29:49By baseball career.
29:51You really think you would have been a baseball star if you hadn't married Mom?
29:56Hmm.
29:58After we divorced, I started playing down in the Mexican Pacific League.
30:02Everyone thought I was washed up.
30:04Coach was forced to sign me.
30:06So, you know, he benched me game after game.
30:08And one day their star player got injured and Coach had no choice but to send me into the bat.
30:16First pitch, swing and a miss.
30:19Second pitch, another whiff.
30:21If I blow it, I'm done.
30:23That next pitch, I hit that goddamn ball so hard it smashes out the stadium lights.
30:28Sparks flying onto the field.
30:30Crowd goes wild.
30:31And I knew.
30:33I mean, I remembered in that moment.
30:37For great talent to thrive, you've got to put you first.
30:43You hear me, kiddo?
30:46Yeah.
30:47Yeah.
30:48Yeah.
30:49I'll have the car running tomorrow morning if you want to make a run for it.
30:55We both know this isn't you.
30:57Peas and carrots.
30:59I'll be right back.
31:00I got to see it, man, about a horse.
31:36Are you crying?
31:38No.
31:39Are you smoking?
31:41No.
31:43Is it because I stabbed you?
31:46No.
31:47Is it because you stabbed me?
31:50Yes.
31:54What did she say?
31:55Or what did she do?
31:58She was so, uh, excited, Em.
32:06Fear cloaked in excitement.
32:10And now she wants to run.
32:13Well, she didn't say that.
32:15She didn't have to.
32:17Lindy is like Jim, but she's more like me than she realizes.
32:21The more she loves someone, the more she fears they will run.
32:27We have the endlessly charming Jim to thank for that.
32:31Say what you will about me, but I stuck around.
32:35I know I am not easy or charming.
32:39And contrary to popular belief, I am not a monster.
32:44After Jim left,
32:49my heart broke.
32:52Yes, mother of ice has a heart.
32:55I vowed I'd never marry again.
33:00Then I met Walt.
33:02He's a good one.
33:03I may be the only one who sees that.
33:06But everyone else can fuck right off.
33:09Now you, Liss.
33:13You are one of the good ones, too.
33:19And Lindy knows it.
33:22And that's why she's trying so hard not to run.
33:31This conversation never happened.
33:35Diane, thank you.
33:38Not bad for an emotional icicle.
34:05Fuck.
34:28Oh, daddy.
34:31Janet Reno!
34:38Santa Reno!
34:48Santa Reno!
34:50Oh, you're my hero.
34:52Let's do this thing!
34:54No!
35:03You took my fucking bullhorn!
35:06Kevin!
35:14What happened up here?
35:18This is not us.
35:19It's not us.
35:24But is it you?
35:27Be honest.
35:35Yeah.
35:36I wanted to get married to you.
35:42And I wanted a wedding.
35:47I did.
35:49But you, um...
35:51Didn't.
35:51No.
35:55So why did you say yes?
35:58Because I didn't want to lose you.
36:00Or my family.
36:01But you see why now, right?
36:07I just wanted...
36:09Was longing for some sense of...
36:14Normal.
36:15Yeah, I said I'd do what I had always said I wouldn't do.
36:22Because I didn't want you to go.
36:25Go?
36:26I am an overly educated, uh, science nerd nobody.
36:31With...
36:32With one...
36:33Dumb idea.
36:35No one gives a shit about.
36:37You are...
36:39Brilliant.
36:40And you're gonna change the world.
36:42I truly believe you will.
36:44And I can't wrap my head around...
36:47Why you wanna...
36:49Stay with a dumb-dumb like me.
36:53When you tell me I can change the world, then I believe.
36:59And there is nothing I want more...
37:00Than to be with a dumb-dumb like you.
37:03Or...
37:05Fuck the paperwork.
37:06But you want the paperwork.
37:07But you don't.
37:08You don't.
37:09So fuck it.
37:13But you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy though.
37:17I fucking love you.
37:21I fucking love you.
37:28Now I just wanna un-fuck it and just get married.
37:34What, fuck it for real?
37:36But for us.
37:37Like our...
37:39Our thing.
37:40Our...
37:40Our normal.
37:42Our version.
37:43And...
37:44And no drama.
37:45Yes, no violence.
37:46No police.
37:47No family.
37:48No.
37:54And I know a perfect place.
37:58The Grey House.
37:59The Grey House.
38:01The Grey House.
38:14The Secret.
38:17Not having a wedding.
38:21Having two.
38:23Diane.
38:24Don't make me come over there.
38:30I, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Linda McMichael, to be my wedded wife.
38:37I, Linda McMichael, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, to be my wedded husband.
38:44Not?
38:45Never.
38:46Never.
38:46Ever.
38:46You are signing the papers, yes?
38:48Yes.
38:49Yeah.
38:50Okay.
38:50Well, I now pronounce you not husband and wife.
38:54Yes!
38:56Yes!
38:58Yes!
39:05Yes!
39:07Well, I'm sorry.
39:10No, no, no.
39:12Yes.
39:14Yes, sir.
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