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Abolish Everything - Season 2 - Episode 03: Abolish Your Friends' Other Friends
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00:07In New York City, storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:11Without Osama Bin Laden, we don't have my character, Woke-sama-bin pronouns.
00:21And can you give us a taste of him?
00:24Our mission?
00:25To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:28Our secondary mission?
00:30Providing safe harbor for recovering Model UN kids.
00:34In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the
00:38political establishment in an attempt to win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar
00:44sign on it, as well as an invitation to our World Championship season finale.
00:48But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:53This is the fight of our lives.
00:55This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:58This is Abolish Everything.
01:11Tonight's abolitionists, Emily Wilson, Jacqueline Uwe, Ashton Womack, and Martin Herlihy.
01:28Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything.
01:31I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:36Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce
01:42the political establishment of the political establishment.
01:47Rachel Costner, Josh Nassar, Nicole Conlon, and Chief Justice of the political establishment,
01:55Andy Vega.
01:58Look at these people.
02:00They did not tell me that they were all going to be wearing those hats.
02:04I am out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:08Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:13Then without further ado, my time starts now.
02:17My friends, there is no greater joy in life than finding community.
02:22But every so often, a disturbing force threatens that community, imperiling all we know and love.
02:29That is why we need to abolish your friends' other friends.
02:40Where do they get these people?
02:44I'm sorry.
02:45I was under the impression that you were my friend.
02:49But then I go to your birthday party and it's like I'm meeting a bunch of delegates from the damn
02:53rando convention.
02:55And let's get right to the heart of it.
02:57Your friends' other friends are like a crappier version of your friend.
03:03You look at your friends' other friends, and I'm afraid there's no other way to say it.
03:07They're a bunch of ogres and goblins who do not compare to the precious princess that is your friend.
03:14Let's break down the differences.
03:17Your friend knows you.
03:19Your friends' other friends don't care if you live or die.
03:22And yet, your friend is always hanging out with these people instead of you.
03:30You'll text your friend, want to see a movie?
03:33Then they respond, sorry, I'm hosting a dinner party.
03:36Then you say, sounds great.
03:37I would love to go to a dinner party.
03:40This should be the end of the exchange, right?
03:42Sorry, the dinner party is for my other friends.
03:48Ah, got it. No problem.
03:50And then you just have to move on with your dad.
03:56Then there's the reverse problem.
03:59Sometimes you want to do something with your friends and then your friend is like, can I bring my friend?
04:04This is a terrorist attack on the vibe.
04:09We've gone from family reunion energy to first date energy.
04:14I wanted to talk about freak shit with my homies.
04:17I had so many esoteric topics to discuss.
04:20But now, because you've brought who the hell McWhat's his name,
04:26how are we supposed to involve this man in the discussion?
04:31Now, some common counter arguments.
04:33Without our friends' other friends, how will we introduce friends to each other romantically?
04:37You don't want this.
04:40Have you seen who your friends think is good for you?
04:44They'll be like, you would be so cute with him,
04:46and then it's the damn blue blob guy from Monsters vs. Aliens.
04:52Next, don't friends of friends introduce you to new experiences?
04:56Not good ones.
04:58Blindly tagging along someplace with a friend of a friend is how Andy Vega ended up at a ditty party.
05:02Okay.
05:05That's...
05:06That's doctored.
05:07That's clearly doctored.
05:09They're good people.
05:10They're fine people.
05:11Shut up!
05:14In conclusion, the friend of my friend is my enemy.
05:18Abolish your friends' other friends.
05:19I yield my time.
05:26The political establishment will have four minutes to rebut me, and their time starts now.
05:30Now, if you abolish your friends' other friends, then you take away one of life's greatest experiences,
05:35which is when you want to cancel plans, and then your friend cancels plans on you first.
05:40And that is one of the best feelings in the world, when you don't have to go out anymore because
05:46they're out with somebody else.
05:47I guess I just think there are other reasons to cancel plans.
05:51Dude, don't clap for this.
05:54You've already been lured to the other side.
05:56I was supposed to go out with him tonight, and I canceled plans on him for this show, and he's
06:02grateful.
06:04Chandler...
06:06Yes, I mean...
06:07He makes a good point.
06:10I'm sensing that Josh wants me to ask about the hat.
06:14Well, I mean, if you insist.
06:18I actually took a job working for Andy.
06:21He's very successful, and this is my work...
06:22I made a lot of money from season one, Chandler.
06:24I have an employee now.
06:25Right.
06:25This is my work uniform.
06:27And you invested that in what could not be more than $10 prop hats?
06:32Oh, no.
06:33I found these hats in the trash.
06:36Right, because you own the trash now.
06:38You acquired trash.
06:39And that brings up a good point.
06:40You say your friend's other friend doesn't care if you live or die, but isn't that just a matter of
06:45free speech?
06:47I don't care if you live or die.
06:49I still consider you a friend of a friend.
06:53I will say that it's less about freedom of speech and more about common courtesy.
06:58You know, I just don't think...
06:59You know, I'm going to go out and say it.
07:01I think it's rude to tell someone you don't care if they live or die.
07:05I'll be controversial.
07:05I'll say it.
07:06I love that my friends have friends.
07:09Do you want people to just be alone unless they're with you?
07:13I think that you can have like a group of friends and you can hang out within that group of
07:19friends.
07:20But I just think it is so annoying to have to deal with all of these other like cobwebs of
07:26people.
07:26Think about it as well.
07:28Like when you go to a wedding, you got to meet all of these people that they've been secretly hanging
07:31out with this whole time.
07:32You think you met that person.
07:33You think you knew that person.
07:35And then there's this whole second life.
07:36You know, it feels like a betrayal.
07:38And then that wedding gets canceled?
07:40The dream.
07:41Because they're hanging out with their other friends instead of going to the wedding?
07:45Chandler, do you want me to find true and real love in this life?
07:49Yes.
07:50Okay, so then how am I supposed to do that if I don't get to ask my friends who their
07:53friend is?
07:54And if they're single and if I can go on one day with them, that goes really bad.
07:57And then I ruin the whole dynamic with the friend group.
07:59You're so selfish.
08:02The question I was going to ask is, have you ever had a good experience because of that?
08:06And then you answered my question already.
08:08So, you know, I have nothing to say.
08:10Can you go back to the picture of the blue blop?
08:12We sure can.
08:13Oh.
08:14It's my employee Josh is a single man.
08:16Sorry.
08:16I'm looking for a woman.
08:21And that's time!
08:25Our next abolitionist is a terrific stand-up comedian whose special Fixed How I Got Rejected by Reality TV is
08:32now on YouTube and TikTok.
08:33Please welcome Emily Wilson.
08:49Hi.
08:50Ladies, picture this.
08:52You're on a first date.
08:53Your first date in a long time, actually, ever since you got banned from Hinge.
08:59You're really hitting it off with this person.
09:01Vibes are good.
09:02And you ask each other about your interests, your hobbies.
09:05And what do you know?
09:06You both like to read.
09:07So you ask them what they've been reading lately.
09:10And they say something like, I don't know, A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn.
09:16They say it's really interesting and informative.
09:19And then they ask what you're reading.
09:22And you answer honestly.
09:23And you say, I'm reading a book called The Woman at the Murder of the Wedding in Lake Como last
09:30summer.
09:31Date over.
09:33Hinge ban extended.
09:34Hinge ban extended.
09:35Hinge ban extended.
09:36Hinge ban extended.
09:37Hinge ban extended.
09:37Hinge ban extended.
09:39Hinge ban extended.
09:39Hinge ban extended.
09:42Hinge ban extended.
09:43Hinge ban extended.
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09:49Hinge ban extended.
09:52Hinge ban extended.
09:52Hinge ban extended.
09:52Hinge ban extended.
09:53Hinge ban extended.
09:54Hinge ban extended.
09:54Hinge ban extended.
09:55Hinge ban extended.
09:56Hinge ban extended.
09:57Hinge ban extended.
10:02Hinge ban extended.
10:04pastime. Women are 1.5 to two times smarter than men. Yeah. And that is according to my life
10:16experience. And yet we have been tricked into only consuming this genre of divorce, murder,
10:25wedding porn. It's like, what is it? Do we want the life of the women in these books?
10:31I know. I mean, hey, Fifty Shades of Grey, I understand. That was hot. And low-key smart.
10:38But we've lost the plot. These protagonists are mentally ill. They're awful people. They're
10:47awful to their friends and family. And also they like can't function unless they go to Italy.
10:55And we fought for it every time, even though every cover of these books looks exactly the same.
11:00It's just a picture of the back of a woman on a beach with a title in Montserrat font
11:09or some cursive font. And all the titles are the same. You know, the woman she used to pretend she
11:16never was or some shit. It's a very easy title to replicate. We could even try it ourselves.
11:22The formula is just the object, he, she, never always, verb. We could try it. Rachel, can you name an
11:31object?
11:32A dog.
11:33Dog.
11:34Can you pick he or she?
11:36Girl.
11:37Girl.
11:37Never always?
11:39Always.
11:40And a verb?
11:41Jumps.
11:41Okay, so we have the dog. She always jumps. Congratulations, Rachel. You have a New York Times bestseller.
11:57Yeah. I should also mention that another formula for creating these titles is blank lake.
12:04I.E. Sex Lake, Murder Lake, Benson Boone Lake. If men find out that this is what we're reading
12:13when we say we're reading, then they're definitely going to take our right to vote away.
12:18That's right. Reading these books is anti-suffrage.
12:24Now, you might be thinking, well, Emily, sometimes I just want to turn my brain off.
12:28And to that I say, that's fine, but then you cannot say that you are reading.
12:34Just like people who watch Love Island don't call themselves cinephiles.
12:39Ladies, to really be a reader, we have to branch out.
12:44We have to start reading, dare I say it, books written by men.
12:51Yeah! No! Yeah!
12:56No, no, no. Guys, that's right. This is six-way feminism, bitch.
13:04We have to start engaging with male literature.
13:09Or at least more reputable female literature, right?
13:13Like Agatha Christie. Agatha Christie, this is true.
13:16She is the third most published author in the world after the Bible and Shakespeare.
13:23Big sleigh, Aggie!
13:25Yeah! We should read more of her.
13:27Look, here's an excerpt from one of her books.
13:30We'll zoom in a bit.
13:32That was the damn part about Jews!
13:39You can't deceive them about money?
13:40They know!
13:43See?
13:44Already a lot more interesting than the dog who never jumps!
13:49Abolish being proud of reading girl books.
13:51I rest my case.
14:01Just so you know, there's, like, veiled anti-Semitism in the dog that never jumps, too, guys.
14:05So don't worry about that.
14:08My pleasure.
14:10I'm not like other girls.
14:13And I don't read those books.
14:15I read things like Moby Dick.
14:16And I just fear that if we let stupid women read something else, they might start reading books for stupid
14:25men.
14:26You know, things like The Lion is the Warrior, What MMA Taught Me About Entrepreneurship.
14:37And I think because I want to protect women that they shouldn't be forced to read those books.
14:45So, let me get this straight.
14:46You're saying you don't want women to fight or own businesses?
14:54Because I think if they read that book, they could be able to throw punching on a business, girl!
15:00Now, I would never come up here and say that I know how to read.
15:07But being proud of reading girl books is something I do very often when I'm trying to pick up women
15:14in different countries.
15:20I'm hearing a ton of people agreeing with me, and I'm glad we're on track.
15:23I go to the beach.
15:25I take one of these girl books.
15:26I put on weird little glasses.
15:27They're different from my normal glasses.
15:28They're much smaller.
15:30And I pretend to read, and I laugh, and I go,
15:31Girl, have you read this book?
15:33And suddenly, we are chatting it up.
15:34And now, we relate in one way, which is that we're both banned from Hinge.
15:37How else will I meet someone that I love, Emily?
15:42Go on Reddit?
15:44Okay, Reddit.
15:45I can write that down for you, sir.
15:47Oh, yes.
15:47Please write that down for me, Josh.
15:49Reddit?
15:49No problem.
15:50Yeah, find a girl on Reddit.
15:51Also, the book about the MMA man.
15:53Yes.
15:54Yes.
15:55Yes, sir.
15:59Oh, I have a thing.
16:01Oh.
16:02Can you go back to Howard Zinn for a second?
16:05Okay.
16:06Now, what if instead of that I-N in the middle, it was a Y?
16:12That instead of a cinephile, you'd be a xenophile.
16:16I-
16:19Hear him out.
16:20Hear him out.
16:20That's a point.
16:21He has a point.
16:22Wait.
16:22Sorry, sorry.
16:23I actually really like that.
16:24Yeah.
16:25I support that.
16:26Okay.
16:26Wait, wait, wait.
16:27I have a catchphrase, too.
16:29Joshy, dashy, do.
16:36What does it have to do?
16:37What does it have to do?
16:38I actually think you could be reading more girl books.
16:41I think you should start there.
16:42Ah.
16:43Good starter books for you, Joshy, Joshy, do.
16:48If you don't like mentally ill protagonists, we also don't like mentally ill people, right?
16:53Is that what you're saying?
16:55No, because I don't like how they get exploited in fiction.
16:59But what if it's the writer's lived experience that they're a fucking crazy bitch?
17:04Because then they're just telling the truth of their own life.
17:07Then they have to call it a memoir.
17:10They can't all be authors in the book.
17:14And what if it was somebody who's mentally ill?
17:18And that's time!
17:23Our next abolitionist has performed on the Second City Main Stage in New York
17:26and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater
17:28and has been a cast member on Smosh.
17:30Let's hear it for Jacqueline Uwe!
17:47Hello, everyone.
17:48Thank you for having me.
17:53I am Jacqueline Uwe, and I am tired.
17:57I am exhausted of what you ask of being lied to, of being duped, of being bamboozled.
18:06Today, I want to abolish movie trailers.
18:19Now, picture this, okay?
18:21It's 2016.
18:22It's Friday.
18:23You've been working all week at that job that underpays you, okay?
18:27Finally, it's the weekend.
18:29You want to spend your hard-earned coins on a movie,
18:32but you're stuck between two films.
18:36Mike and Dave need wedding dates
18:39and an ensemble comedy that includes
18:42who?
18:43Who is it?
18:44Kevin Hart.
18:46Yeah!
18:49It's 2016, remember?
18:52It's Kevin Hart.
18:53Pew, pew.
18:54Everybody does.
18:55Okay.
18:56You're like, oh my gosh, Kevin Hart's in it?
18:59Who else is in the movie?
19:03Hannibal Buress.
19:05Jenny Slate.
19:06Eric Stonestrew.
19:07Woo, I know.
19:07Lake Bell.
19:09Bobby Moynihan.
19:10Dana Carvey.
19:11Ellie Kemper.
19:12And to reiterate, it is the year 2016,
19:15and the information that we currently have at present
19:17is not the information we had back then.
19:20Louis C.K.
19:23Now, I watched the trailer for the movie in question in theaters,
19:27and I made some mental notes.
19:30I have to see it opening weekend.
19:34Watch out, Vinny.
19:35They got a Fast and the Furious on their hands.
19:38Damn, this studio got they foot on Disney's neck.
19:43Ha ha, you've done it again.
19:46The movie, The Secret Life of Pets.
19:52The emotional, physical, and spiritual whiplash
19:57that I experienced between watching The Secret Life of Pets teaser trailer
20:02to the full-length movie I still have not gotten over.
20:07This movie caused me to stop watching movie trailers in their entirety, okay?
20:13I do not watch them anymore, because movie trailers are lies.
20:16Movie trailers are propaganda, okay?
20:19The trailer looks good.
20:21Of course it does, Andy!
20:28That is what the establishment wants you to think.
20:31They blow their entire load on the trailers.
20:36No condom.
20:39You know, I really thought that I was going to get a little fun movie,
20:43you know, that children would also be able to enjoy,
20:45but it was really, like, for adults.
20:46You know what I'm saying?
20:47Zootopia came out a couple months prior.
20:49I was like, okay, it's a children's movie,
20:50but it's, like, it's for adults.
20:52You know what I'm talking about?
20:52Like, we're talking about the police, okay?
20:56Zootopia is for adults, okay?
20:58But The Secret Life of Pets is a children's movie,
21:00and I was in that theater looking like a pervert.
21:05Movie trailers are the best bite of a sandwich,
21:09but often the movie is all crust.
21:13Trailers manipulate you into thinking
21:15that beloved actors will be paramount to the movie.
21:20I love the Sir Michael Caine.
21:23Michael Caine is in Tenet for five minutes.
21:26The runtime of Tenet is two hours and 30 minutes.
21:29That is 150 minutes.
21:31Now, I did the math, okay?
21:32Five minutes over 150 minutes equals
21:37not enough Michael Caine.
21:45And I get it.
21:46Like, it sounds like I'm just mad
21:48that I spent 40 American dollars
21:50to see The Secret Life of Pets in theaters.
21:52I had popcorn.
21:56But what do I actually want?
21:59I want us as a society
22:01to be invested in watching art,
22:03whatever that means for you.
22:05The art, the art of your favorite director,
22:08the art of your favorite film composer,
22:11the art of hearing about the fact
22:13that the leads might be fucking a little bit off stage.
22:16And you want to see
22:18if that chemistry translates to the screen, okay?
22:21Whatever art is for you,
22:23I want you to lean into that.
22:24Let's get back to that.
22:26Now, I have a personal case study
22:28that I want to share before I'm done.
22:31I'd never watched the Dune trailer, okay?
22:33I'm about to show you, on this next slide,
22:36everything I knew about Dune
22:38in a visual representation.
22:55Now, you're about to see
22:56an image of me watching Dune
22:57for the first time.
22:59There are big-ass worms in that movie.
23:02I had no...
23:05I was shocked.
23:09I was surprised.
23:11In conclusion, the world is a mess.
23:14Get rid of movie trailers
23:16and get into allowing ourselves
23:19the gift of surprises,
23:20the gift of reckless abandonment,
23:23to go into an experience
23:24without pretense or judgment,
23:26to lose ourselves in the sand,
23:28lose ourselves in the spice,
23:32lose ourselves in a wormhole.
23:35I leave you with this quote.
23:38Expect nothing, live frugally, on surprise.
23:41Alice Walker, thank you.
23:48Hi, former film student here.
23:52I think that you're watching trailers wrong,
23:55not to be a bitch,
23:56because whenever I watch a movie trailer
23:59as a student of the craft,
24:01I always just try and imagine
24:04every single possibility of the world
24:06which I've been presented
24:07and imagine things even like a worm,
24:09even if there's not one in the trailer.
24:10I put that into the Barbie movie even, for example.
24:13Anytime I watch a trailer,
24:14I think, what could possibly happen?
24:15There could be a car crash,
24:16there could be a death,
24:17there could be a true love.
24:18You should be doing that
24:19with everything you watch
24:21and thinking critically.
24:23Rachel, I'm so sorry.
24:24I'm also a student of film.
24:27That's...
24:29Rachel, that's also what I got my degree in.
24:32Okay, so it was my minor.
24:33I had other stuff going on
24:34because I have a really like a lot going on.
24:39It was your minor?
24:40Yeah, I was like...
24:42I had a bunch of minors.
24:44I just took a class.
24:44I took one class because I heard it was easy.
24:47And the teacher had white dreads,
24:49which I had to get a look up at close up.
24:54I have a question.
24:55Do you hate the arts?
24:58Because if we put movie trailers in the garbage bin,
25:02then do you know how many acoustic bands
25:05who do covers of popular songs
25:08that are like one piano
25:10that's like ding, ding?
25:13And then a woman's wistful voice is like,
25:17storming through the party
25:20like my name was El Nino.
25:24And then you're like,
25:26oh, it's a song I know?
25:27There's like a whole cottage industry
25:30of those shitty bands
25:31and you're going to put them all out of work.
25:34Damn.
25:38So you're saying I'm...
25:39You called them...
25:40Do you hate the arts?
25:41Because you...
25:47You called them shitty.
25:49You said they're shitty.
25:50I didn't say the bands in the trailers.
25:52I didn't even talk about...
25:53Genre name.
25:54Okay.
25:55Okay.
25:56I'm a little concerned
25:58because to me,
25:59movie trailers serve a very particular purpose,
26:02which is to occupy the minds of Marvel fans
26:06and keep them in an area away from us
26:09and really making sure
26:11that they do not become weebs.
26:17I fear once we eliminate movie trailers,
26:19they're on the path to weebdom.
26:21Are you comfortable with that?
26:23Honestly, I am comfortable with it.
26:25America's are kind of crazy right now.
26:27Like, I'll take some weebs
26:28over what's going on outside right now.
26:30You know what I'm saying?
26:34Speaking of what's going on in the world right now,
26:36we are living in the age of Web 2.0.
26:40And people are on TikTok.
26:42They're on Reels.
26:44They don't have time to watch a whole movie anymore.
26:47I would argue that a trailer
26:49should be the whole movie.
26:52And that's why everything
26:53should be given away in the trailer.
26:56Some people are only going to watch the trailer.
26:58So if the trailer goes away,
27:00that's half the audience
27:01who's ever going to the theater.
27:02Absolutely.
27:03Also, think about this.
27:04It was The Secret Life of Pets.
27:06Would you be more interested
27:07if it was The Regular Life of Guys?
27:10And that's time!
27:12Our next abolitionist
27:14is a three-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer.
27:17Give it up for Ashton Womack!
27:27What up, what up, what up?
27:30Fix this.
27:31What up, gang?
27:32My name's Ashton Womack, as you can see,
27:35and I am here to talk about something
27:36very important to my heart.
27:38I want to abolish white history.
27:48That's how I thought you'd respond.
27:52For years, y'all screamed like DEI
27:54and like we got woke
27:56and we got to get rid of black history.
27:58So I feel like it's only right I do the same,
28:01starting with our number one,
28:02first person out of here, white history.
28:05Going with Taylor Swift.
28:08Yeah.
28:11All right, not the response I was expecting,
28:13but I was going to say it hurts,
28:16but clearly you guys are race traitors.
28:18I don't know what happened there.
28:21We'll just keep going.
28:23Number two, my boy, Pythagoras.
28:25This nigga, Pythagoras, this nigga.
28:28Gotta go.
28:29You gotta go, Pythagoras.
28:30I'm sorry.
28:31You invented triangles?
28:33No, you didn't.
28:35No, you didn't.
28:36You mean to tell me
28:37it wasn't a nigga around
28:38before him being like,
28:40hey, y'all, come look at this.
28:43Hey, look at this shit.
28:45Nigga, look at this.
28:46What, no nigga?
28:47All right.
28:49I don't.
28:50You mean to tell me
28:51these niggas just was freestyling?
28:53Freestyling?
28:54Next up, off the list.
28:56We abolishing.
28:58Half of Drake.
29:01I got to go.
29:03Has to go.
29:07I feel like that's the side that sues.
29:11I feel like black people,
29:12we squabble up, all right?
29:14That guy lawyered up.
29:17But next thing out of white history
29:19we are abolishing,
29:20it will be the office.
29:22Office.
29:24Oh, no.
29:25No, I feel the reluctant claps
29:27on that one.
29:28That felt good.
29:29Yeah, we're getting rid of the office.
29:31We're getting rid of friends.
29:32We're replacing it.
29:34Good.
29:34Oh, y'all win me.
29:35Y'all like that.
29:35Good.
29:36Y'all are going to like this
29:37because we're replacing
29:38all that footage
29:38with just footage
29:39of the Alabama bro ball.
29:41That would be nine seasons
29:44of just that.
29:47All right.
29:48Next up, we got
29:49Rachel Dolezal.
29:52Now, you're clapping.
29:54You're clapping.
29:54But actually, she stays.
29:58It's funny now, I guess.
30:00It's kind of funny.
30:01I don't want her to go.
30:02We'll continue.
30:04Eliminating from white history,
30:06we're taking out
30:07the Roman Empire.
30:08You now have to go.
30:11We're done with the Roman Empire.
30:14I can't hear anymore.
30:15My bro, bro.
30:16Oh, fucking Brutus
30:18was his right-hand man.
30:20That was his right.
30:21He stabbed his right.
30:21Oh, Caesar.
30:22Caesar got killed
30:23by his right-hand man.
30:24I don't care.
30:25I don't care.
30:27Also, you know what?
30:28They don't tell you.
30:28They tell you Brutus
30:29killed Caesar.
30:30You know what
30:30they don't tell you?
30:31They don't tell you
30:32Caesar fucked Brutus' mom.
30:35All right?
30:35Here, they just
30:37conveniently live that.
30:38Leave that as like
30:39Brutus killed Caesar.
30:40Well, Caesar fucked his mom,
30:42so I'd kill the nigga too.
30:45All right.
30:47Anyway, none of that
30:48matters anymore
30:48because it's gone.
30:50And finally,
30:51the last piece of
30:52white history
30:52we're getting rid of.
30:53We're getting rid of
30:54all of it,
30:54but these are just like
30:56what we're starting off with.
30:58We're getting rid of
30:58the guy who
31:00shot Trump
31:01because
31:02he missed.
31:04And
31:08I got
31:08I got
31:09I got to live with that
31:10every day now.
31:11I got to live with that
31:12what if scenario
31:14because he missed
31:15now I'm up at night
31:16like damn
31:17what
31:18what if he would have
31:19just aimed a little bit
31:20for
31:21you know
31:22but
31:22that's my pitch
31:24to the gang
31:24abolish white history
31:25thank you
31:32now I want to see you
31:33be against that
31:34you racist
31:34yeah it's an honor
31:35to defend white history
31:36as the premise
31:37of this show
31:40are you worried
31:42because I am so worried
31:44as in this
31:44within this show
31:45about the Taylor Swift
31:48vacuum that will arise
31:49once she just disappears
31:50I mean you know
31:51we got like
31:52Sabrina Carpenter
31:53and like
31:53Charlie XCX
31:55and then like
31:55the other girl
31:56who dresses like
31:57a marionette doll
31:58what's her name
31:59y'all got her
32:02I feel like y'all be good
32:03y'all be straight
32:05y'all be high
32:06is there a mechanics
32:07you think they're fighting
32:07over the position here
32:09of who's going to get
32:10Taylor Swift's jet
32:11sure
32:12what mechanic
32:13like the pilot mechanic
32:14well I'm just curious
32:15about the mechanics
32:16abolish Taylor Swift
32:17where does she go
32:18oh okay
32:19where does her money go
32:19oh to the shadow realm
32:20see there's going to be
32:21shadow realm
32:24we're going to
32:25oh you're asking where
32:27oh we're going to
32:28like a pocket universe
32:29like oh
32:29it's going to be
32:31the same place
32:31you ever take your files
32:32and you drag them
32:33and then you go to
32:33the trash can
32:34and you press delete
32:35wherever that is
32:37that is where
32:38white history will go
32:39it's the digital ether
32:43until we're ready
32:44to download it again
32:45until
32:46now Ashton
32:47you've created
32:48something of a paradox
32:50here
32:50because
32:51you're
32:52arguing to abolish
32:54white history
32:55and yet
32:55you just taught us
32:57that thing about
32:58Brutus
32:59listen
32:59so I would say
33:01you're
33:02kind of arguing
33:03for the abolishment
33:04of you
33:05and that's racist
33:18Nicole
33:19I will gladly be racist
33:22now if I had a genie
33:24I'd whisk all the white
33:25knowledge out of my head
33:26right now
33:26I would have never
33:27shared that
33:27if it was
33:28y'all put that
33:29y'all put that info
33:29in my head
33:30I went to a white school
33:32I didn't ask for that info
33:34it was taught to me
33:35by you want to know who
33:36a latina woman
33:37but
33:39spiritually I felt like
33:41a white man
33:41but
33:43also this guy has
33:43an Abraham Lincoln hat
33:45that's going too
33:47so you mentioned
33:48so you mentioned
33:48getting rid of
33:49the office
33:50yes I did
33:51now
33:52what am I going to do
33:53if somebody does
33:54something so crazy
33:56that I got a Jim face
33:57towards the camera
34:02that is a good question
34:04that is a good question
34:05and there will be
34:06listen
34:07y'all know how
34:08Jesus is now white
34:10that's a black trait now
34:13looking at the
34:14looking at the camera
34:15like Jim
34:15black people do that
34:16that's actually so
34:18anything we like
34:19from white people
34:20we're going to just
34:20culturally appropriate
34:27Paul Wall is staying
34:28I didn't write
34:29anything down
34:29because he said
34:30that's a bad
34:30Taylor Swift
34:31and I got so mad
34:31that I almost
34:32punched through
34:32a table
34:34and started shooting
34:35everyone in the room
34:37I was going to
34:38contribute to white
34:39history in a new
34:39fresh way
34:43I love her
34:44oh my god
34:46it would be the
34:46first mass shooting
34:47now that abolished
34:48white history
34:49has been abolished
34:51happy to lead
34:52the front
34:54I don't want
34:55to kill you guys
34:56I don't want
34:56to kill you guys
34:57but Ashton
34:58but Ashton
34:59the people clamor
35:00yeah Nicole
35:01tell me
35:01what if Tony Hawk
35:02oh fuck
35:03oh
35:06what's the meme
35:07I'm sorry brother
35:10are we cutting
35:11Drake in half
35:12this way
35:13or
35:14that
35:14yeah is it
35:15going to be
35:16a hamburger
35:16or a hot dog
35:17situation
35:17oh that's
35:19I will actually
35:20take suggestions
35:21on that
35:22I'm going to be honest
35:23he leaked his dick pic
35:25ladies
35:25it'll be for the
35:26just bottom half
35:27only
35:28please
35:29and if we're
35:29getting rid of
35:30half of Drake
35:30what about other
35:31mixed race guys
35:33just curious
35:35and that's time
35:40are you ready
35:41for your final
35:42abolitionist
35:47you know
35:48our final
35:48abolitionist
35:49from Saturday Night
35:50Live
35:50and his sketch
35:51group
35:51please don't
35:51destroy
35:52put your hands
35:53together for
35:53Martin Herlihy
36:05abolish bugs
36:08and also
36:10and also
36:11and also
36:12the way people
36:14react when you
36:15say you haven't
36:16seen the
36:16Shawshank Redemption
36:19but more
36:21specifically
36:21flies and
36:23mosquitoes
36:27why did I
36:27choose to
36:28abolish these
36:29things
36:29well I'll
36:30tell you
36:30I was at
36:31a park hang
36:32and I had
36:33two big
36:33fucking
36:34problems
36:37one problem
36:38was bugs
36:41these dumb
36:42little fuckers
36:43they were acting
36:44like I brought
36:44my hell of a
36:45good french
36:46onion dip
36:46for them
36:47to eat
36:48not the
36:49case bugs
36:52the other
36:52problem
36:53was how
36:54someone reacted
36:55when I said
36:56I'd never
36:57seen the
36:57Shawshank
36:58Redemption
36:58oh
37:00oh
37:00you
37:01you
37:01haven't
37:02seen
37:02Shawshank
37:03oh
37:04you
37:04haven't
37:05seen
37:05Shawshank
37:06first of
37:06all
37:07call the
37:08movie
37:08by its
37:09full name
37:11Shawshank
37:12you're not
37:13friends
37:13with the
37:14movie
37:17okay
37:17yes
37:20thank you
37:20oh
37:21second of
37:22all
37:22why are
37:23you stunned
37:24at this
37:25it's not
37:26surprising
37:26that I
37:26haven't seen
37:27that movie
37:27it came
37:28out before
37:28I was
37:29born
37:29and it
37:30looks
37:30boring
37:31as shit
37:32oh
37:33two
37:34shut the
37:34fuck up
37:35I will
37:35fucking
37:36fight you
37:37I will
37:37fucking
37:38fight
37:38all of
37:38you
37:39oh
37:40my
37:41god
37:42two
37:43guys
37:43become
37:44friends
37:44in
37:44jail
37:45oh
37:45wow
37:46oh
37:46wow
37:47oh
37:48that
37:49sounds
37:49fascinating
37:50to me
37:51but
37:54why
37:55would I
37:56watch a
37:56movie
37:56where
37:56Tim
37:57Robbins
37:57plays
37:58a guy
37:58who
37:58makes
37:58a
37:59friend
37:59in
37:59jail
38:00when
38:00I
38:00could
38:01watch
38:01one
38:01of
38:01the
38:01hundreds
38:02of
38:02movies
38:03where
38:03Michelle
38:04Rodriguez
38:04plays
38:05a
38:05smoking
38:06hot
38:06badass
38:07chick
38:07who
38:08can
38:08actually
38:08totally
38:08hang
38:09with
38:09the
38:09fellas
38:14but
38:15I
38:15have
38:15to
38:15watch
38:16a
38:16movie
38:16about
38:16two
38:17guys
38:17who
38:17become
38:18friends
38:18in
38:18jail
38:19no
38:20thank
38:20you
38:21I'd
38:22rather
38:22let
38:22a
38:22snapping
38:23turtle
38:23bite
38:23my
38:24fucking
38:24penis
38:25off
38:28Shawshank
38:29the
38:29Shawshank
38:30redemption
38:30is two
38:31hours
38:31and
38:34don't
38:35you
38:35I'll
38:35fucking
38:35take
38:36all
38:36of
38:36you
38:37I'll
38:38fucking
38:38fight
38:38all
38:39of
38:39you
38:43with
38:44two
38:44hours
38:44and
38:4422
38:45minutes
38:45you
38:47could
38:47alternatively
38:48watch
38:48the
38:49entire
38:49movie
38:49Ice Age
38:51yeah
38:52and
38:54this
38:5456
38:54minute
38:55long
38:55video
38:55of
38:56office
38:57bloopers
39:01and
39:02yet
39:02you'd
39:03rather
39:03I
39:03watch
39:04a
39:04movie
39:04that
39:04does
39:05not
39:05feature
39:05the
39:06misadventures
39:06of
39:06Scrat
39:09go
39:10fuck
39:10yourself
39:11literally
39:11go
39:11fuck
39:12yourself
39:14no
39:14thank
39:15you
39:15okay
39:16I'd
39:17rather
39:17let
39:17my
39:17whole
39:18body
39:18get
39:18crushed
39:19by
39:19a
39:19snow
39:19plow
39:20Jeremy
39:20Renner
39:20style
39:22oh
39:22oh
39:23are his
39:24friends
39:24here
39:24tonight
39:26fuck
39:26all
39:27of
39:27you
39:29oh
39:30speaking
39:31of
39:31Jeremy
39:31Renner
39:32my
39:32king
39:33it
39:34is
39:34honestly
39:34more
39:35surprising
39:35that I
39:36have
39:36not
39:36seen
39:36the
39:36movie
39:37tag
39:38the
39:38premise
39:39seems
39:39right
39:39up
39:39my
39:40alley
39:41cast
39:42equals
39:42stacked
39:42there's
39:43no
39:43question
39:43of
39:44this
39:45and
39:46it
39:46was
39:46it
39:46came
39:46out
39:47when
39:47I
39:47was
39:47alive
39:51also
39:51human
39:52beings
39:52have
39:52been
39:52around
39:53for
39:53300,000
39:54years
39:54okay
39:55bugs
39:56have
39:56been
39:56around
39:57for
39:57480
39:58million
39:59years
40:00you
40:01have
40:01had
40:01your
40:01time
40:02to
40:02shine
40:02bugs
40:03you
40:04have
40:04had
40:05your
40:05moment
40:05in
40:05the
40:05sun
40:06bugs
40:08and
40:08don't
40:09fucking
40:09don't
40:10you
40:10fucking
40:10tell
40:10me
40:11we
40:11can't
40:11get
40:11rid
40:12of
40:12bugs
40:12it's
40:12impossible
40:13science
40:14must
40:14be
40:14capable
40:15of
40:15getting
40:15rid
40:15of
40:16bugs
40:16you're
40:17telling
40:17me
40:18we
40:18shot
40:18katie
40:19perry
40:19into
40:20space
40:21but
40:22sometimes
40:23I
40:23still
40:23gotta
40:23be
40:24in
40:24my
40:24kitchen
40:24like
40:28but
40:29what
40:30about
40:30pollination
40:31shut
40:32the
40:32fuck
40:32up
40:33that's
40:34why
40:34I
40:34included
40:34the
40:34part
40:35about
40:35mosquitoes
40:35and
40:36flies
40:36dipshit
40:38mosquitoes
40:38and flies
40:39don't do
40:39jack shit
40:40for you
40:40or anyone
40:41you know
40:41mosquitoes
40:43more like
40:44must
40:44quit
40:44biting
40:45my
40:45fucking
40:46legs
40:48yeah
40:50cut
40:51that
40:54mosquitoes
40:55only wish
40:56to harm
40:56you
40:57in your
40:57way
40:57of
40:58life
40:58hmm
40:59hmm
41:00who
41:00does
41:00that
41:01remind
41:01you
41:01of
41:02hmm
41:09the
41:10mosquito
41:10has
41:11the
41:11same
41:11vibe
41:12and
41:12unfortunately
41:12anti-american
41:14grind set
41:14as the late
41:16not so great
41:17Osama bin Laden
41:20flies
41:21are a little
41:21better
41:22right
41:23but you can
41:25tell they're
41:25always up
41:26to something
41:27cause they're
41:28always going
41:29like this
41:33flies
41:34are always
41:34hitting the
41:35Jack Harlow
41:41flies have
41:42an evil
41:43terrible
41:43plot
41:44hmm
41:44hmm
41:45who else
41:47was the
41:47architect
41:48of an evil
41:49terrible
41:49plot
41:51Frank Darabont
41:52the guy who
41:53wrote
41:53the Shawshank
41:55Redemption
42:00so in
42:01conclusion
42:02I may have
42:03some issues
42:03with anger
42:06but also
42:07fuck bugs
42:08fuck that
42:09movie
42:09and fuck
42:10his Gen Z
42:10ass middle
42:11part
42:11I yield
42:12my time
42:21do you
42:21know
42:22who
42:22won't
42:22react
42:23at all
42:23when you
42:24tell them
42:24that you
42:25haven't
42:25seen the
42:25Shawshank
42:26Redemption
42:27a bug
42:30they're
42:31your
42:31friends
42:32in
42:33what
42:33fucking
42:34way
42:34man
42:36they
42:36might
42:36be
42:37planning
42:37a
42:37surprise
42:38party
42:38for you
42:38those
42:39fries
42:39I
42:43actually
42:43know
42:43for a
42:44fact
42:44those
42:45flies
42:45were
42:46planning
42:46a
42:46surprise
42:47party
42:47for you
42:48I
42:49wouldn't
42:49even
42:49want
42:49to go
42:50to
42:50their
42:50surprise
42:50party
42:51because
42:51the
42:51hats
42:51would
42:51be
42:51too
42:52small
42:53the
42:54hats
42:54would
42:54be
42:54bug
42:55size
42:57and
42:58I
42:59just
42:59want
42:59to
42:59say
42:59you
43:00said
43:00it
43:00was
43:00bad
43:01to
43:01call
43:01the
43:01movie
43:01Shawshank
43:02because
43:02it's
43:03not
43:03my
43:03friend
43:04well
43:04um
43:06what
43:06if
43:07I
43:07wanted
43:07to
43:07be
43:07my
43:07friend
43:10oh
43:10well
43:11then
43:11Josh
43:11you
43:12can
43:12call
43:12it
43:12whatever
43:12you
43:13please
43:14hooray
43:14I
43:15have
43:16a
43:16question
43:16I'm
43:16somebody
43:17who
43:17my
43:18only
43:18personality
43:19trait
43:19is that
43:19I've
43:19never
43:19seen
43:20the
43:20wire
43:20and
43:20I
43:21love
43:21the
43:21attention
43:22that
43:22I
43:22get
43:22when
43:22people
43:22are
43:23like
43:23you've
43:23never
43:24seen
43:24the
43:24wire
43:25what's
43:26going
43:26to
43:26happen
43:26to
43:26me
43:27if
43:27that
43:27reaction
43:28goes
43:28away
43:29well
43:29nothing
43:30because
43:30I'm
43:30just
43:30talking
43:31about
43:31the
43:31Shawshank
43:32Redemption
43:34well
43:35tell me
43:35tell me
43:36that you've
43:36never
43:36seen
43:36Shawshank
43:37Redemption
43:37and see
43:37what
43:37happens
43:38I've
43:38never
43:39seen
43:39the
43:39Shawshank
43:39Redemption
43:40hey man
43:40that's
43:40no problem
43:41no problem
43:41man
43:42so boring
43:42what would
43:43we talk
43:43about
43:43like
43:44I
43:44want
43:44to
43:44die
43:44there's
43:45like
43:45it's
43:45the
43:45end
43:46of
43:46our
43:46friendship
43:46basically
43:46because
43:47you
43:47don't
43:47even
43:47know
43:47if
43:47I
43:48care
43:48about
43:48you
43:48at
43:48all
43:49shit
43:49if
43:49I'm
43:50mad
43:50that
43:50you
43:50haven't
44:06thank you
44:06Rachel
44:07yeah
44:07I've
44:07got
44:08your
44:08back
44:08girl
44:08I'm
44:08gonna
44:08be
44:09100%
44:09real
44:10with
44:10you
44:10right
44:11now
44:11until
44:12this
44:12moment
44:12I
44:13think
44:13in
44:13my
44:13head
44:14I
44:14thought
44:14Shawshank
44:15Redemption
44:15and
44:15Schindler's
44:16List
44:16were the
44:16same
44:17movie
44:18so
44:19this
44:19feels
44:19anti-Semitic
44:20to me
44:22I
44:24would
44:24say
44:25it's
44:25pro-Semitic
44:26and I'm
44:26not
44:26gonna
44:27explain
44:27that
44:27any
44:28further
44:30also
44:31without
44:32Osama
44:33Bin
44:33Laden
44:33we
44:33don't
44:33have
44:34my
44:34character
44:35woke
44:35Sama
44:36Bin
44:36pronouns
44:38and
44:41can
44:42you
44:42give
44:42us
44:42a
44:42taste
44:43of
44:43him
44:44I
44:45would
44:45love
44:46to
44:46meet
44:46him
44:47knock
44:48knock
44:51hey
44:52baby
44:55he
44:56him
44:59or
44:59they
44:59them
45:00eleven
45:00whatever
45:03you
45:04don't
45:04open
45:04the
45:04door
45:05still
45:05no
45:05the
45:05door's
45:06closed
45:06the
45:06door's
45:06closed
45:07nobody's
45:08home
45:09you
45:12and
45:13your
45:13wife
45:13and
45:14we'll
45:14dump
45:14you
45:14in
45:14the
45:14ocean
45:15that's
45:15what
45:15they
45:15did
45:16my
45:16bisexual
45:17life
45:18can
45:21we
45:22get
45:22all
45:22of
45:22our
45:23abolitionists
45:23back
45:23up
45:24to
45:24the
45:24stage
45:25give
45:25it
45:25up
45:26one
45:26more
45:26time
45:27for
45:27Emily
45:28Wilson
45:30Jacqueline
45:30Owe
45:32Ashton
45:33Womack
45:33and
45:34Martin
45:35Herlihy
45:36so
45:37here
45:37is
45:38how
45:38this
45:38is
45:38going
45:38to
45:38work
45:38I'm
45:39going
45:39to
45:39go
45:39through
45:39each
45:39of
45:40the
45:40topics
45:40that
45:40were
45:41abolished
45:41tonight
45:41and
45:42you
45:42can
45:42cheer
45:42for
45:42as
45:42many
45:43people
45:43as
45:43you
45:43like
45:44the
45:44topic
45:45that
45:45gets
45:45the
45:45loudest
45:46cheers
45:46will
45:47receive
45:48counterfeit
45:49sack
45:49of
45:49cash
45:50and
45:50an
45:50invitation
45:51to
45:51our
45:51world
45:52championship
45:52season
45:53finale
45:54and
45:54we
45:54are
45:54going
45:54to
45:54determine
45:55this
45:55of
45:55course
45:56by
45:56a
45:56proprietary
45:57piece
45:57of
45:57abolish
45:58everything
45:58technology
45:58the
45:59cheer
45:59meter
46:003000
46:04so
46:05without
46:05further
46:06ado
46:06who
46:07thinks
46:07that
46:08we
46:08should
46:08abolish
46:08being
46:09proud
46:09of
46:10reading
46:10girl
46:10books
46:21who
46:22thinks
46:22that
46:23we
46:23should
46:23abolish
46:23movie
46:24trailers
46:29who
46:34thinks
46:34that
46:35we
46:35should
46:35abolish
46:35white
46:36history
46:44the
46:45federalist
46:45society
46:46is
46:46going
46:46to
46:46clip
46:46just
46:47that
46:47part
46:47of
46:48the
46:49show
46:49and
46:50who
46:50thinks
46:51that
46:51we
46:51should
46:51abolish
46:52bugs
46:52and
46:52also
46:53how
46:53people
46:53react
46:54when
46:54you
46:54tell
46:54them
46:54that
46:55you
46:55have
46:55not
46:55seen
46:55Shawshank
46:56Redemption
46:56and
46:57also
46:57specifically
46:57mosquitoes
46:58and
46:58flies
47:05all
47:06right
47:06in
47:07the
47:07words
47:07of
47:07Sean
47:07Connery
47:08Ashton
47:09Martin
47:09please
47:10step
47:10forward
47:10congratulations
47:12once again
47:13to
47:13Jacqueline
47:13and
47:13Emily
47:18who
47:19thinks
47:19that
47:19we
47:19should
47:19abolish
47:20white
47:20history
47:29and
47:29who
47:30thinks
47:30we
47:30should
47:30abolish
47:30bugs
47:31and
47:31the
47:31reaction
47:31to
47:31not
47:31seeing
47:32Shawshank
47:37my
47:41friends
47:42we
47:42have
47:43abolished
47:43bugs
47:44and
47:44also
47:45the
47:45way
47:45that
47:45people
47:45react
47:46when
47:46you
47:46say
47:46that
47:47you
47:47haven't
47:47seen
47:47Shawshank
47:48Redemption
47:49specifically
47:49mosquitoes
47:50and
47:50flies
47:54congratulations
47:55to
47:55Martin
47:56Hurley
47:59give
47:59it up
48:00one more
48:00time
48:00for
48:01all
48:01of
48:01our
48:01abolitionists
48:05a
48:06hearty
48:06fuck
48:07you
48:07to
48:07our
48:07panel
48:11and
48:12thank
48:12you
48:12for
48:13watching
48:13on
48:13Nebula
48:16we'll
48:17see you
48:17next
48:17time
48:17good
48:18night
48:18most
48:19of
48:19that
48:19presentation
48:20was
48:20you
48:20saying
48:20that
48:21breakups
48:21are
48:21bad
48:22it
48:22didn't
48:22get
48:22into
48:23the
48:23weird
48:23race
48:23shit
48:24until
48:24the
48:24last
48:24slide
48:25and
48:26like
48:26honestly
48:27weird
48:30Top
48:31out
48:38We'll
48:39get
48:55and
48:57see you
48:57and
48:57and
49:09Transcription by CastingWords
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