- 4 hours ago
Abolish Everything - Season 2 - Episode 01: Abolish Leaving When We're Done Hanging Out
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06in New York City's storied underground our radical movement gathers again have
00:12you ever had your prostate stimulated is a question perhaps with one of your Emmys
00:20my mother is here our mission to liberate society of its gravest stupidest ills our
00:27secondary mission to demonstrate the limitless comedic potential of Microsoft PowerPoint in
00:33just a moment for brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the political
00:37establishment their goal to win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an
00:43invitation to our world championship season finale but to do it they'll need to convince
00:48the crowd on the other side of this curtain this is the fight of our lives this is the future
00:54we've
00:54been waiting for this is abolish everything
01:08tonight's abolitionists Allison Libby Michael Cruz Kane Jonathan Appel and Joe Sunday
01:26thank you all so much for watching abolish everything I'm your host Chandler Dean
01:34before we begin I am ashamed and disgusted yet required by our twisted system to introduce
01:39the political establishment Jamie Lynn Watson Ben Doyle Lily do and chief justice of the political
01:54establishment Andy Vega look at these people they sit atop a throne of regional theater competitions
02:03I'm out of competition but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony are you ready to abolish
02:09everything
02:12then without further ado my time starts now my friends despite the best efforts of activists and
02:20advocates across the world inequality remains rampant there is still so much work left to be done
02:26if we are to overcome the injustices of the past that is why we need to abolish the white thumbs
02:32up
02:32emoji
02:37why are you emphasizing you know what I mean look maybe I'm insane but when I see this emoji I
02:46hear sounds good
02:47when I see this emoji I hear sounds good white style
02:55this is particularly weird in the working world even though I host this show I also have a day job
03:01of course I work at OnlyFans corporate you only get paid monthly but the benefits are fantastic
03:08and whenever people are voting on something in slack this is what it looks like
03:14what are we doing counting the number of white votes
03:20it does not seem to me that there is any reason to tally those separately anymore
03:25now look obviously if you're a person of color and you prefer to use emojis that reflect how you look
03:31I think that's great fear not you have my permission
03:37but white people already have enough digital representation as it is we are already mario
03:44mr monopoly and of course amtrak's virtual assistant julie
03:51who's got two thumbs that is perfectly satisfied with the current number of white thumbs in media
03:57this guy meanwhile mario kart has never had a single black character but don't worry
04:04you can play as all seven of these no-name freaks
04:10abolishing the white thumbs up emoji would also clear up ambiguity about which skin tone emoji that
04:15white people should be using because the answer would be none of them right now we are stuck in
04:21the precarious situation where some white people think we can get away with using a skin tone
04:26that's a little bit darker than what we actually are
04:31listen this might be controversial but your thumbs up emoji need not reflect that you just got back
04:37from the beach nor that you are italian that's what this one is for that one stays white
04:47now there is one big counter argument chandler if white people use the yellow emoji doesn't that
04:54perpetuate the pernicious implication that white is the default no it implies that we are simpsons
05:04also i think that this could be a great euphemism for white people going forward is he you know a
05:11resident of springfield so let's just use this one we don't feel the need to assert our race when we
05:19express how starstruck we are or however klempt we are or how horny we are or how horny we are
05:27or how horny we are or how horny we are or how horny we are so let's give a big
05:36racially neutral
05:37one finger salute and abolish the white thumbs up emoji i yield my time
05:45the political establishment will now have the opportunity to rebut me and their time starts
05:49now chandler i couldn't help but notice the scissor emoji in the horny emojis and i'm curious how you
05:57are using that to express your horniness well um i wanted to be inclusive of the lgbtqia community
06:07i think i have to leave it at that well i want to thank you for turning us all on
06:14at the end of
06:15your presentation but i am concerned chandler if your worries is white people using the wrong skin
06:22tone eliminating the one that they should be using only makes the dumber ones continue to use the ones
06:28they shouldn't use for example my whole family i'm just saying i think that again when you get your
06:36phone the yellow one is the one that shows up and if all white people just knew don't go mucking
06:41around
06:41it's the one that shows up at the beginning but if you are one to already use one that is
06:46not your
06:47skin tone that is now the new default you expect my 70 year old parents to go and change it
06:52to the
06:52simpsons that's confusing to them uh first of all the simpsons appeals to all ages i have no doubt that
06:59they would be delighted by home when i was growing up i was told i couldn't watch the simpsons because
07:03it made adults look dumb and that is true um i think we could get android and apple to just
07:10issue
07:11an update that in the night turns it back to this i don't think it'll be a problem chandler dean
07:16you
07:16stupid asshole you you said that there are no black characters in mario kart but what do you think
07:27black yoshi is
07:31wow do you know do you think that he's from like norway because his beautiful
07:39melanated skin would not produce enough vitamin d and he would get rickets
07:42it is my belief that yoshi is a dinosaur and does not belong to the black american race
07:51no matter what color you set him as is that for you to decide wow wow
07:59unbelievable i guess i would be willing to defer to a commission of black gamers if they wanted to
08:05decide but i feel pretty confident that this is a totally uncontroversial belief look this was a
08:11really hard presentation for me because you're taking away a lot of stuff that i want like
08:16saying things are good white style um ultimately the white thumbs up is my skin color so i'm sad
08:23that you might be taking that away i also want to say you did rub it in my face that
08:28um i auditioned
08:29for the part of julie the virtual amtrak assistant and i was told i was too sassy and
08:37sang a song from wicked i was also told how did you find this audition room so it's just a
08:45little
08:45hard that you're kind of just like rubbing stuff in my face that i can't have well i will say
08:50that
08:50even in this world jamie you will still be white uh we're not taking that away from you i'm half
08:58white
08:59white and that's time are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night
09:07our next abolitionist has written for the marvelous mrs mazel and is the creator of oh
09:11god a show about abortion please welcome allison liby
09:22hello uh this is great i am going to talk about something that i think about all the time uh
09:28almost every single day i think we should abolish chiropractors
09:37people i absolutely do not want to step on my neck
09:43i am uniquely uh qualified to present on this topic because i have had four spine surgeries uh which
09:50not to brag um i used to joke during the obama administration i'm like the next one on the punch
09:56card is free and now under trump i'm like if i need another surgery rfk is going to come to
10:01my
10:01house and shoot me in the head like a racehorse
10:05that's me proof uh i had a spinal fusion in 2020 um i have lived with back pain forever many
10:12people do
10:13these are the things that you can do if you have back pain to treat it that are good ideas
10:17you can
10:18stretch your exercise massage acupuncture physical therapy take a handful of advil every two hours
10:26make an appointment with a real doctor if you have back pain what you shouldn't do is see a
10:32chiropractor now let's get into why for starters it's called chiropractic
10:39chiropractic it doesn't sound right that doesn't it sounds like that sounds like a word that like
10:43stupid people say to sound smart like shouldn't it be like chiropractory or chiropractice like
10:51chiropractic more like chiropractic
11:00boo that's a real doctor you can tell by the stethoscope um wikipedia which is the only reliable
11:06source of information on the internet now says that chiropractic is a form of alternative medicine
11:11concerned with the diagnosis treatment and prevention of mechanical disorders of the
11:14muscular skeletal system especially the spine chiropractic asks the question what if a massage
11:19was loud and dangerous some chiropractors are anti-vaxxers all of them can kill you chiropractors
11:28are called health care professionals that's not a doctor right that's like when somebody's like
11:33this is juice drink and you're like there's no fruit in there is there you're not supposed to
11:38see a chiropractor if you have a lot of different uh issues like these are real reasons you shouldn't
11:42go uh if you have severe osteoporosis numbing tingling or loss of strength in your arms and legs
11:46cancer in your spine uh an increased risk of stroke or if there is a bone in your upper neck
11:51that is
11:51formed wrong uh you shouldn't see a chiropractor but like those first two things are like why you
11:57would see a chiropractor um but all seriousness chiropractors do kill people uh they aren't trained
12:03assassins because they're like barely trained um but a lot of them work on people's necks if you take
12:09nothing away from this please uh don't let them touch your neck ever uh because uh what happens uh
12:14they they put pressure on your neck and they manipulate it uh and occasionally but not never
12:20they will rip your arteries open and you die we're learning lessons um okay you might die die die
12:28um i just wanted to nail it like really drive it home uh you could die uh chiropractic was invented
12:35by d.d palmer in the 1890s and he claimed that he received the information for what chiropractic
12:41is um from the other world during a seance seance not science seance
12:54he claimed that the tenants of chiropractic were delivered to him in a seance from a doctor who
12:59died 50 years earlier a dead doctor came in through a seance to tell him how to crack people's backs
13:05this guy is a fucking nut job like i don't go to a gynecologist and she like pulls out a
13:10ouija board
13:11you know like if my dentist had tarot cards i'd call the police so in conclusion uh people who should
13:20step on your neck riata people who should not step on your neck chiropractors
13:31allison um i went to a chiropractor and one time and he stepped on my neck and now i get
13:38to take
13:39oxycontin every single day and my life has never been better i took one right before this and after
13:47we're done i get to take another are you do you want to take away on it like a lolly
13:51yeah it's great
13:52do you want to take away my oxy because i'll go crazy i'm gonna go ahead and guess that the
13:57chiropractor didn't prescribe them to you because they're not doctors
14:02but i can't argue with opioids
14:05allison have you considered for the people who are letting themselves be killed by chiropractors that
14:12maybe the issue is like when i went to an acupuncturist and they said if i didn't believe
14:18in it it wouldn't work maybe they're simply not believing hard enough chiropractors believe in
14:26themselves because they're pretending to do medicine well medical school is very expensive and
14:31usually i would agree in this sort of anti-lower class stance that someone might take but i just what
14:38else are these people supposed to do are they supposed to just become a mercenary because those
14:42jobs pay very well these days i feel like they would be less threatening if they did
14:48it was so awesome to hear that massages can be loud and dangerous
14:54as opposed to when andy gives me massages and he says they need to be secret and quiet don't tell
15:00my wife
15:04so that was really interesting to learn about and i appreciate you teaching that um well to be
15:09fair jamie you're allowed to tell her but you have to tell her in gibberish got it totally totally the
15:15thing is like yes chiropractors can kill people but horny anyone can kill people that's true and also
15:24anyone could be a chiropractor yes and anyone can get a gun i love it here love it here also
15:33i have a
15:34really funny joke okay we'll see my dentist does use tarot cards and she pulled out the three of cups
15:45of mouthwash
15:50and that's comedy and that's the comedy we like to hear uh yeah also i don't like this attitude that
15:57we can't like learn things from ghosts have you have you watched that movie where the the ghosts come
16:04and then he doesn't kill him or he does kill himself or what's that movie called most of the movies
16:11i
16:11watch they end up killing themselves and that's time hopefully this episode does not end that way
16:18uh andy don't watch the show um our next abolitionist has written for the late show with stephen colbert
16:24and his one-man show sorry for your loss is coming to drop out in 2026 give it up for
16:29michael cruz kane
16:39so um just imagine this scenario if you will and it's probably happened to you so it won't be that
16:43hard to imagine you're at a restaurant let's say it's um mexican or peruvian you know and you're with
16:49your aunt and uh her new boyfriend who are in town from say iowa or whatever and the waiter says
16:55we've got
16:55a special at this restaurant and it's ceviche and your aunt goes oh ceviche isn't that raw seafood
17:00and her boyfriend goes no no babe the ceviche is cooked with the lime you guys know what i'm talking
17:06about okay right on i think we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice
17:18i don't believe that
17:23because it is not true
17:28uh here here's how i know yes okay so like here are things you cook stuff with for example
17:34yeah stoves absolutely like kind of no-brainer you're you're you like right away that's the
17:40first thing you think second what are we talking about ovens absolutely um how's about microwaves
17:45fantastic uh we're gonna throw in probably lasers i don't know but i believe that you could and also
17:52probably guns of some kind i bet i bet it would work um now um also i just want to
17:57go back to the
17:58ovens one because i like the sense of wonder that this lady looks into the oven with as if she's
18:02thinking to herself hmm narnia uh and then there's also this lady looking in the microwave as if she's
18:08annoyed like oh brother not another narnia okay anyway right so here's the list right you got your
18:15stoves you got your ovens you got your microwaves your lasers and then of course possibly guns
18:19here are some things you cannot cook stuff with limes
18:28you cannot cook stuff with limes you can't cook stuff with limes
18:35a scenario that has never occurred ready babe i have some terrible news what is it the oven isn't
18:43working don't worry i have a bunch of limes never
18:53i don't have time for the clapping okay and then raw shrimp raw shrimp needs in ceviche get raw shrimp
18:59okay internal temperature has to be cooked to 145 degrees that's when it's cooked yeah okay good
19:05uh a stove top can reach between 932 and 1650 very hot so you can easily cook the shrimp
19:13a lime itself doesn't have a temperature in the way we typically think of it for objects
19:22just to go a little further into this shrimp has to get that hot has to be up to there
19:26okay a stove can
19:28get way hotter than that no problem where's lime it's over there why a lime has no temperature
19:41i love ceviche but i love the truth more and we have to live in a time of truth or
19:49what what happens to
19:50us in addition to the ceviche lie we have also been fed other lies that we are predisposed to because
19:56of the ceviche shit go the crosswalk button lie i'll get to it okay crosswalk button at one point
20:04there were 3250 crosswalk buttons in new york city you press them and it's like across the street now
20:102500 of them were mechanical placebos you were pressing a button that did nothing you sheep
20:17at one point there were only 48 units citywide that worked okay fine preposition ending a sentence
20:23you can't preposition no one gives a shit what you end your sentences with preposition
20:31fuck off preposition and wait finally the statue of liberty lie where'd the statue of liberty come from
20:41wrong that's what we've all been told but guess what
20:44there is a mexican school teacher and i wrote his name down danilo suarez who built the statue of
20:50liberty in 1868 with six other mexicans danilo suarez you say it
20:57thank you that is the guy who built the actual statue of liberty and guess what that's a lie
21:04because you're you're such sheep it's so easy to trick you this is actually a stock photo of a
21:11senior mexican man wearing a hat and looking away what is he thinking of ceviche
21:19abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice thank you
21:29michael i um i hate to say this i have solid proof against you okay every time i take a
21:35tequila shot
21:36yeah i hit the lime and i'm cooking on the dance floor
21:44all night my absolute brother no argument there
21:49my dog michael i noticed the um trademark symbols yeah and um it just happens that my family owns the
21:59ceviche lie it's a t-shirt company and we were not asked about using our
22:07company names yeah i'm embroiled in a lot of litigation yeah at the moment i'll be needing
22:12royalties off this yeah no i've like i've literally talked to aaron brokovich and this is going to be
22:17handled no do we not know who that is read a
22:21fucking book i just want to say yes where are limes from where are limes from what country of
22:30origin literally i do not know i'm gonna say poland because it seems like a fun guess oh so you're
22:37saying poles can't cook wow poles have awesome foods such as potatoes cabbage fish
22:51and you're out here saying it's bad um yeah um i'm sorry that i said that
22:58also also all of the pictures of the cooking cooking stuff utensils and things that cook
23:06etc yeah there were women in all of the pictures
23:10well can i say something honestly that's where we belong
23:14i was just gonna say like i believe kind of in 2025 that it is like now women can cook
23:19now
23:24you said nothing about acid what's that acid you said nothing about acid correct
23:32that's a great point jamie yeah thank you a crux of your powerpoint you you go to the audience you
23:38tell them the story you call them sheep you hold this this anger towards them you call them
23:43sheep you lie to them and yet you demand that we abolish a phrase that has a slight little
23:50joyous lie that brings people together to enjoy a food from the ocean a place we know little about
23:58can't we just appreciate this beautiful piece of art this literature this this this piece of english
24:03language that brings us together and puts us at a place where we're having a seltzer with the
24:08squirt of lime and i'm going crazy on the dance floor my friend i would say like for 80 of
24:13that i was
24:14i was enraged by the accusations but at the end i was like my dude hell yeah
24:19and that's time our next abolitionist has written for the new yorker mcsweeney's and last week
24:25tonight with john oliver let's hear it for jonathan appell
24:36around four billion years ago the miracle of life on earth began microscopic single-celled organisms
24:43slowly divided and they had one thing they had to do survive on this planet that we call home
24:50they could do anything they could be anything their potential was limitless and then we ended up with
24:57this freak what the fuck is this this is the ii holy he always looks like he's selling you meth
25:12in some cultures he's actually seen as a harbinger of death and is killed on sight which makes sense to
25:17me look nature is bad and weird and i do not like it there is no intelligent design and it
25:27shows and
25:28that is why we must abolish evolution we have to we have to why there are too many little freaks
25:38out there
25:39now here's a highly abridged sampling of little real freaks the red-lipped bat fish this looks like
25:46someone put lipstick on an upside down crab and it does not work for its complexion honey you are a
25:52warm
25:53autumn accessorize accordingly the patoo owl this is an owl being punched in the balls
26:02i can hear this picture and it is making one sound
26:06boing the pacu yeah it has human teeth molars incisors dear god it has human teeth what child
26:20did you steal these from the tarsier he buys meth from the ii not cute horrifying he and golem are
26:30definitely in a couple they saw you across the bar and they love your vibe and that brings me to
26:37my
26:37second point evolution has made these freaks too kinky male alligators and this is true have permanent
26:45erections why do you think they're smirking all the time makes it very uncomfortable just know that
26:52if you're getting eaten by an alligator it is rock hard the whole time but to be fair when i'm
27:01eating
27:01my favorite meal a single cheese stick it's a similar situation rock hard nothing behind the eyes
27:11horseshoe crabs have orgies 10 000 of them at a time for a whole month look at it it's horrifying
27:23barnacles have the largest penises in the animal kingdom relative to their size these guys are
27:29packing charles darwin the father of evolution was so fascinated by the barnacle penis he wrote
27:34a friend of a friend an actual letter asking them about it in detail saying was the penis inserted into
27:42more than one individual for about how long and how many times was it inserted was it inserted deeply
27:48and at which end of the valves that's the guy who made this theory but here's the questions he didn't
27:53ask were they in love did it seem like it was a regular thing or was an anniversary or something
28:03did she come
28:09didn't think about that did he and then there are drafts this is how they initiate sex with each other
28:15the male will nudge her butt cute cute the female will piss into his mouth how how the mouth is
28:25so high
28:26up there evolution found a way to make this happen now here's what i would suggest as an alternative
28:34for initiating sex and i would like ben doyle to role play with me
28:41hello i'm a giraffe hi i'm also a draft would you like to have sex
28:46yes but only if it's in the missionary position
28:52and this goes without saying but i won't be pissing in your mouth
28:57and scene
29:03finally the human body is badly designed look there are so many ways i could talk about this
29:08the appendix our wisdom teeth but i want to talk about one thing we don't have a naturally occurring
29:14pockets now i'm sure you think a pocket why would human beings need a pocket because we keep putting
29:20stuff in our anuses now these are all real things i've taken from the u.s consumer product safety
29:26commission's database of emergency room visits from the past few years and you can go look this up
29:30or you can go look at defector which also has a great uh summary marbles click gel pen flat head
29:36screwdriver phillips head screwdriver batteries shampoo bottles rubber ball stress ball billiard ball
29:43magnetic balls pvc pipes to roll the balls through now you may be thinking why would someone put a
29:50screwdriver into their anus because they had to fix a door hinge in the other room and their hands were
29:56full that's the only explanation this is a face that evolution makes us make when we have to use the
30:02only pocket we have
30:06that is why we must abolish evolution i yield my time
30:17jonathan it says here that you have three emmys
30:23four okay
30:26fuck you uh also can i just say ben you did a very convincing job thank you you're very welcome
30:33you're a great actor okay all right sorry great actor like what are you what are you doing here
30:38talking to us about like fit don't you have anything like better to be doing
30:43i just wanted you to say the phrase piss in my mouth
30:46that's kind of all i want this evening i'm good
30:48i have a question you said that evolution hadn't given people a natural pocket you really focused
30:56on the anus have we considered that women are better designed because i do have a front pocket
31:03in addition to my back pocket and i can fit a lot more stuff in the front pocket
31:11keys phone wallet no it's true don't leave home without them look i have not
31:18personally considered that i didn't feel it was my place
31:21and i was also too busy asking and let me just make sure i got this right if female barnacles
31:26come
31:28so i feel i've done my job and not to mention i put cheerios in my fupa
31:35hey jamie what's a fupa it's the fat upper pussy area
31:44okay thank you you're welcome my mother is here
31:48mother's in the audience honey she's got one too and honey and honey whose pocket
31:54whose pocket do you think you came out of well see see the thing is a pocket has one use
32:00you put
32:00stuff in it and then well actually i guess somebody put stuff in it and they took stuff out
32:05it's a fair point jonathan i would argue that the butthole is uh as a in an innovation in the
32:12pocket
32:13space have you ever had your prostate stimulated is a question perhaps with one of your emmys my mother
32:23is here okay you brought it up you brought up anuses you showed items that are in anuses
32:30i did i have to say a lot of this is kink shaming okay because ultimately here are some things
32:36i wrote
32:37in the background being hard all the time selling meth going to orgies largest largest penis relative
32:43to the animal kingdom wanting to pee in mouth that's like my perfect guy
32:50swear to god look look while i was doing real serious hard research on all these true facts i just
32:59guess i didn't consider the fact that maybe people would want to put stuff in their anus for a different
33:06reason also why didn't you ask me to audition for the part in the play that i considered i really
33:13considered everybody's uh everybody's kind of strengths weaknesses no we gave you our headshot
33:18and resume look look and i had you all do the read we had before and just ben did the
33:23best job
33:24you had me do my audition topless well i had ben do his bottomless so you also said little freaks
33:33and then we're talking about alligators and giraffes so i don't know what you think is up and
33:38down but a giraffe they're not capable of missionary that would cause problems well if you'd looked at
33:45the presentation chief justice you notice that the first section was about little freaks and the
33:52second section was about kinky sex oh so we're allowed to have two sections now chandler this is
33:57fucking stupid are you ready for your final abolitionist of the night
34:09our next abolitionist is a writer for saturday night live give it up for joe sunday
34:26hi to you you guys came here all the way from reddit huh
34:33what a joy yes good evening and i would like to say congrats to the other abolitionists however
34:39i came here to win so let's do this thing okay i bring to you the topic i think a
34:46lot of people
34:47will immediately get on board hanging out with your friends who agrees that that is awesome yes
34:53yes i love to hang out with my friends but then there's a there's an issue that sometimes happens
35:00in my friend okay imagine this situation jesus christ imagine this situation my friends are with me we're at
35:06my house hanging out hanging out and then at a certain point they like to say well i guess i'll
35:09be going
35:10now okay so abolish going home after we're done hanging out thank you very much let me explain point
35:22number one i am very lonely let's dive into this more more on my loneliness okay point number one sub
35:32point point one i don't have a girlfriend not even a little bit trust me you would know
35:37point number two i have a lot of friends but i suspect they don't like me very much at all
35:43point number three i believe there is a curse upon my life however we don't have time
35:50to go into this further well then moving on point number two uh we were having fun before so
35:58why would you leave and where are you going sub point i will miss you
36:06sub point b uh if you leave and i might have to do chores in my house oh my goodness
36:12gracious
36:12i don't want to do that okay moving on if you leave i will get scared
36:20i will get very scared i will begin to worry that you hate me and i will begin to think
36:25a lot of
36:25thoughts that won't be good for any of us if if that happens so please just stay okay okay
36:32you're a sampling of the worries that i just will enjoy if we were hanging out before and then you
36:38left my house and i wouldn't like it okay you're feeling bad for me yes yes but you won't be
36:43there
36:44at all okay so just let's just not even get ourselves into that situation and i'll think oh i remember
36:49that
36:50you have other family members other cousins and brothers and sisters and moms and i'll probably think
36:54about death as well okay so ladies and gentlemen and everyone what are we to do a better world is
37:03possible i tell you today we need to have a sleepover and hang out all day tomorrow
37:14thank you thank you please and by the way don't even fucking start with this people love to say
37:21oh i guess i'll be going i don't i i say let's have a sleepover and say oh i don't
37:25have my
37:25toothbrush actually i have many toothbrushes in my house i have basically every kind of toothbrush you
37:32could ever need i have your whole freaking skincare routine in my house and if there's some kind of a
37:37cream or something that you think you need that i don't have i'll door that we'll instacart it quickly
37:41we will amazon overnight that shit to my house not a problem i know a guy i know a number
37:47of guys and by
37:48the way i don't know who this is in the slide that's not me i don't know who she is
37:54but i just felt that
37:55she was the one to deliver the message so if you're thinking that that's me it's not and you have
38:00racial
38:00issues okay now for some q a is this about romance no it's not i think that we need to
38:08cause problems
38:09with our friends the same way that we cause problems with our romantic interests yeah respect your
38:15friends enough i thank you and then um okay so hanging out is not a euphemism for sex no we've
38:25been
38:25over this if i were having any kind of sex even a little we would all know okay now just
38:32to address a
38:33couple quick counter arguments before these people start okay people love to say i have yoga
38:38in the crack of dawn uh how about consider no one told you to sign up for that you literally
38:47made
38:47that up right remember remember free will okay no one made you sign up for it at all okay people
38:54love
38:55to say i prefer to sleep in my own bed well that's no problem i prefer to sleep in your
38:59own bed too
39:01i rest my case
39:09and i actually it's about time for me to leave
39:15this has been really fun the presentation it was super fun together i know that in the
39:19presentation what do you have to do tomorrow that i can't be part of i got very we all sleep
39:22in one
39:23big bed willy wonka style willy wonka grandparent style wait that's literally the issue is what
39:29people leave when they're hanging out with you who are you going to hang out we're hanging out with
39:33other people that aren't you jesus christ i know i'm sorry and this is really funny we just got to
39:38go and do a bunch of other stuff and ben's leading us in a weird yoga thing and he makes
39:42us all do the
39:43one bed thing and do the one bed thing wait so not even separately just you guys together yeah we're
39:51all in
39:52one twin size bed and i can't and i can't come we are your friends that secretly hate you and
39:57we
39:57gotta go yeah what movie are you putting on in this movie i know it sucks right we have to
40:08such a but it's such a bummer we gotta go
40:11it's can i say something i know it's a comedy show like i'm like it's like almost too much for
40:16me
40:18it's all like i feel like i'm living in like a literal fucking nightmare right now
40:22this is unbelievable joe i'll make you feel better i promise okay i know that you think
40:27that someone saying they have yoga at 6 40 a.m is a lie it's not every single guy i've
40:33slept with
40:33has said that so it's definitely happening girl also i'm wondering if maybe you've thought about
40:42getting a pet because i just heard a presentation about a lot of very freaky animals and including
40:49ones that would be hard all the time that i'm sure would love to stay at your apartment
40:56if i would get a pet if a pet could talk
41:00it's totally fair that's really sad
41:05it's just like you're so cute so when you say stuff like this it's like cute and and someone
41:10would want to stay over but like when i say stuff like this and i'm like hey i can like
41:15get you a
41:15ticket to my show tonight and they're like oh my god that'd be so fun and then like i don't
41:19hear
41:19from them all day and then they like don't pick up the ticket for the show and i don't know
41:26i have a question i'd actually love to hang out but i have a dog baby and husband i collected
41:31all of
41:31them i have one of each um what room thank you gotta catch them all and i did um what
41:39kind of
41:40situation would you be providing for me and my entire family i i just like you have a dog baby
41:46and
41:46a husband they can't entertain themselves together without you right they're very needy
41:53does it does it have to be your home or could this happen at another person's home
41:57no can we please refer to i would i prefer to sleep in your own bed yeah i guess i
42:01got i got
42:02confused so that means it could all we could also go to the other person's house wherever we go we
42:07just need to go together okay i'm sure there are dozens of podcasters here with better help
42:13subscriptions that that can help you're saying that i'm mentally ill i'm saying
42:20it's not personal yes i am it's not personal he thinks all women are mentally ill
42:25and that's time can we please get all of our abolitionists back to the stage
42:34give it up one more time for allison liby
42:39michael cruz kane jonathan appell and joe sunday
42:53my friends the time has come to decide what we are going to abolish this will be determined by
42:58audience acclaim using a proprietary piece of abolish everything technology the cheerometer 3000
43:06and the winner will receive this cartoonish sack of cash and an invitation to our world
43:14championship season finale so without further ado who thinks we should abolish chiropractors
43:26who thinks we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice
43:34who thinks we should abolish evolution
43:43and who thinks that we should abolish going home after we hang out
43:55michael and joe
43:57michael and joe please step forward
44:01congratulations to all our abolitionists
44:08okay who thinks we should abolish saying ceviche is cooked with the lime juice
44:19and who thinks we should abolish going home after we're done hanging out
44:33my friends we have abolished going home after we're not hanging out
44:40congratulations to joe sunday
44:45joe please proceed to the winners
44:51give it up one more time for all of our abolitionists
44:56let's give a big fuck you to the political establishment
45:02and thank you for watching on nebula
45:06we'll see you next time good night we have five fingers we have five toes we have five tenses two
45:13plus
45:13two equals five two equals five i have five testicles there are things that you cannot change about this world
45:19we've got three
45:37we've got three
45:41we've got three
Comments