- 17 hours ago
Family Guy - Season 24 Episode 12 -
Lower G.I. Joe
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
#film#shows#usa#usashows#hot#filmhot
Lower G.I. Joe
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
#film#shows#usa#usashows#hot#filmhot
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to do his hand.
00:22All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:26He's a family guy!
00:36My apologies, Mr. Griffin. Dr. Hartman is still with a patient
00:39and definitely not playing rock band through the paper-thin walls of his office right now.
00:45Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess.
00:50Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug!
00:52Oh, you dope!
00:55Sorry, I was with a very sick patient.
00:57You're still wearing the guitar.
00:59Oops, my bad.
01:00Let's keep that off the Yelp, huh?
01:02So, you're here for a physical. I'll start with a few questions.
01:05How many drinks would you say you have per week?
01:08Four.
01:08Oh.
01:09Hundred.
01:09Oh.
01:10Fifty.
01:10Okay, you need to talk faster.
01:12Now, I'm going to show you a list of the top ten songs on Spotify.
01:15Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize.
01:18None.
01:19Oh, wait. Oh, no, I know her.
01:20Uh, uh, do, uh, do, uh, duolingo.
01:23Not sure we can accept that.
01:25Let's go to the Gen Z judge who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media.
01:29Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?
01:33Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.
01:35However, I can say that given your age and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge,
01:40it's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy.
01:43What the hell is that?
01:44Here's a video of a plumber from Southie describing the whole thing.
01:47So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose.
01:50Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't. It's a real medical procedure.
01:53It's not gay.
01:54You ever had one?
01:55Nah, what am I, gay?
02:01What's all that stuff?
02:02Oh, just some forms.
02:03We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter and I need mom to chaperone.
02:07You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter and you're not asking me?
02:11Why?
02:11So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?
02:14I wouldn't do that.
02:16Yeah?
02:16Then why is your tail wagging?
02:18Damn.
02:19Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there who've given up by telling them
02:24my story.
02:24A story of inspiration.
02:26A story of will.
02:27A story of triumph.
02:29You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker.
02:32A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.
02:39I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.
02:42Yep.
02:42My barber said I'm overdue for mine.
02:45You mean your doctor?
02:46Nope.
02:46Barber.
02:47Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice from their doctors.
02:52We're all just one guy off.
02:53Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away to
03:00die a costly and unnecessary death?
03:02You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because, deep down, we're scared.
03:06And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of.
03:09All right, I'll go first.
03:10I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener.
03:15That's what I'm scared of, too.
03:16What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?
03:20Like, what if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could be there to support
03:24one another?
03:25All right, that would make it easier.
03:27I'd do it.
03:28I'd be into that.
03:29Great. Cleveland?
03:29Yeah.
03:30Devontae said it's cool.
03:32I'm assuming Devontae is your...
03:33Devontae is my barber.
03:34Yes.
03:38Hi, kids.
03:39I'm Sophie.
03:40Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one.
03:46So let's meet some...
03:47Hi, Sophie.
03:48Brian Griffin, dog who's also pretty much a guy.
03:50I'll take it from here.
03:51Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin.
03:54And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours.
03:57Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
04:02Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is making you all look in
04:07those commercials,
04:08there is hope.
04:09And I am living proof of that.
04:11Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that was.
04:14Wait, they have cats here?
04:15Oh, I will not be around cats.
04:18It's an animal shelter.
04:19They've got everything.
04:19They even have Diddy's pit bull.
04:21Just let me outside.
04:22I'll play in the yard.
04:24I won't look.
04:24I won't tell nobody nothing.
04:29Come on, Brian.
04:30Even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute.
04:33Now, cats are terrible, selfish creatures.
04:35I mean, who poops inside?
04:38Oh my god, get her off!
04:39Get her off!
04:42Huh.
04:47I guess that is kind of cute.
04:49You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.
04:51Okay, kids.
04:52It's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders.
04:55Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home.
04:59Come on, Brian.
05:00We gotta go.
05:01Alright, let me just take this guy off my...
05:09What are you doing?
05:10You're going to kill him!
05:10Drop it!
05:11Drop it now!
05:15What happened?
05:16I blacked out.
05:16You killed a kitten, you monster!
05:19I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here!
05:21And we're going to be in so much trouble!
05:23Alright, listen.
05:24We can't just leave the dead kitten in here.
05:26Okay, let me think.
05:26Well, there's gotta be a dumpster out back.
05:28We could just put it in there.
05:29I don't think we have another choice.
05:31You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil and wake up back at home.
05:35I thought you said you were gonna keep your mouth shut.
05:41Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning.
05:44So I'm gonna go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.
05:47I made a killer diarrhea playlist.
05:50Boy, you guys are gonna lose it when we're five hours in and Natalie Imbruglia's torn comes on.
05:55You got Diana Ross's I'm Comin' Out on there?
05:58This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?
06:01Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.
06:05Joe, here's your bum and coke.
06:07Peter, you get a piña colonata.
06:09And Cleveland gets a gin and deuce.
06:11Laid back.
06:13And I made myself a coiler maker.
06:15Bottoms up!
06:15And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down.
06:24Oh my god!
06:25Now, I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?
06:28Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath.
06:31So there's not even a tub?
06:33I call the shower.
06:34Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?
06:36I don't have time to argue with you.
06:37I'll be in the shower.
06:38I'll call the toilet.
06:39I'm bagged and ready to go 24-7.
06:41Fine, I'll figure it out.
06:43Whose blue luggage is this?
06:45Peter, no, that's my Away brand luggage.
06:47I get compliments on that.
06:54You guys look high as balls.
06:56Anyway, time for your results.
06:57Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.
07:00Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.
07:03Was it my penis?
07:04It was definitely not your penis.
07:07Although your butt is gigantic.
07:09What we found was this.
07:12Oh my god!
07:14My childhood G.I. Joe!
07:16That was inside his colon?
07:18Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.
07:22Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.
07:25He was kind of like the scout.
07:27Did you happen to see anything like that?
07:28Oh, never mind.
07:29I think they just came out of the mess hall.
07:35Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?
07:38I was a kid.
07:39If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.
07:42You ate a G.I. Joe?
07:44Oh, are we gonna play this game, Quagmire?
07:46Are we gonna play the how-did-objects-get-inside-of-you game?
07:49Withdrawn.
07:50Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars,
07:55and it says it's worth $100,000.
07:58What?
07:58Oh, wow.
07:59Let me see that.
08:02Holy crap, it does say that.
08:05Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three?
08:07What am I listed as in your phone?
08:09Withdrawn.
08:14Still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten.
08:17You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?
08:19There was one water bowl for 40 dogs.
08:21I don't think they have money for cameras.
08:23Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine.
08:25Yes, as long as I don't talk, we'll be fine.
08:28What's that supposed to mean?
08:29I'm just saying my silence comes at a price.
08:31And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu.
08:35What?
08:35That's the most expensive Soho House.
08:37Fine.
08:38Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week.
08:40And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids.
08:43I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.
08:46You, sir, have my silence.
08:52Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings we're all eating?
08:56Sorry.
08:57So what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from selling this thing?
09:00What do you mean? We're splitting it.
09:02Yeah, we each get a share of that.
09:03I never said I'd split it.
09:05He was inside me.
09:06I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term.
09:09You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.
09:12I'm not giving you guys my money.
09:14We can't let him get away with this.
09:15I agree with white number two.
09:22Hey, check it out.
09:23Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.
09:26Howdy, TikTok.
09:27I'm Mayor Wild West here today with a hat over my heart press conference.
09:31See, my sweet feline companion, Meowr West, has gone missing.
09:39I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility.
09:43But when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped.
09:48Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law.
09:54Thank you, TikTok.
09:55Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling.
10:01So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.
10:17Oh, my God. I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.
10:21Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. You've got to get out of town.
10:24Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice.
10:27Here, you take it.
10:29What's this?
10:30That's a European adapter for my Corn Air hair dryer.
10:33I think you're gonna need that.
10:35Four pairs of boots?
10:36I don't know who's gonna see me twice.
10:44You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of your friendship with
10:48the guys, Peter.
10:49So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as you.
10:53Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch.
10:56I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys.
11:00And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks?
11:0350 bucks? Lois, this thing's worth $100,000.
11:06Wow. Dad's right. I just Googled it.
11:09What? Let me see that.
11:11Oh, my God. Peter! We're gonna be rich!
11:14Okay, forget everything I just said. Screw those guys. Your butt stuff belongs to us.
11:19I get it.
11:21Excuse me. Are you Peter Griffin?
11:22Yeah.
11:23You've been served.
11:25Those bastards are actually suing me for their share of the G.I. Joe!
11:29Excuse me. Are you Andrew McCormick?
11:32Yes.
11:32I'm here to serve you.
11:33Wait. I just served him.
11:35Get out of here. You're lying.
11:36No, I swear to God. Sir, what did I just do?
11:38He served me.
11:39Hey, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?
11:43I am.
11:44Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little gene smoke?
11:49Love to.
11:50I guess it's true what they say. Every pot has a lid.
11:55Boy, they fogged up that Ultima real quick.
12:01Oh, what's going on?
12:03Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.
12:06Yeah, I read that letter. They're taking him to arbitration, not court.
12:10What? Really?
12:11Yeah, and if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services.
12:15I've spent months studying anal salvage law.
12:18You have?
12:19It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole.
12:25But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.
12:27Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
12:35Okay, Stewie. Run me through the plan one more time.
12:37All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian.
12:40So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside.
12:44So I'll distract her here at the front door.
12:46You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat.
12:49I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems risky.
12:52Oh, that's the risky part?
12:54Not the high-wire improvisational act I'm about to pull off with the librarian.
12:57No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?
12:59Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's house team, Brian?
13:03We had to kick Brad off, by the way. He did the Chinese voice on stage again.
13:07Ugh, whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already.
13:12Hello, I'm an online dating expert, and I'm giving one lucky person a free Bumble profile makeover.
13:18May I ask how your dating life is going?
13:20Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work.
13:28I work in a library.
13:31No, yeah, I'm aware. Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?
13:34Oh, sure. Let me just log in.
13:46All right, here you go.
13:48All right, we'll start with your photos.
13:50We'll lose this one of you pointing at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's.
13:54We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed.
13:57Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard.
14:05Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent.
14:07I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work.
14:10Let me see if I...
14:11And knee dimples be gone!
14:19Oh, ha ha! A match!
14:21What? Let me see that.
14:23A Jewish urologist? Oh, I love that for you.
14:26Let's look at his profile.
14:29Okay, he's taking a selfie on a bus. On a public bus.
14:34Let's, um, let's keep looking here.
14:39And I quote, we are all in this together no matter what.
14:43That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, your honor.
14:48Thank you, Mr. Baker.
14:49Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin,
14:54who prepared for this by binge-watching suits
14:56and then Googling Meghan Markle and then Googling Meghan Markle deepfakes.
15:02Thank you, your boner.
15:03If I may direct your attention to Exhibits B through M,
15:07all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours.
15:12Do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra key fob?
15:18Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?
15:23I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.
15:30Poop swoopers, as it were.
15:32I've heard more than enough. Case, over.
15:35Over? Who won?
15:37I don't know. Him?
15:38In your face!
15:40You gotta be kidding me!
15:41Yeah, that's not fair.
15:42Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.
15:47Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House,
15:50and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe.
15:54Wow! The Christie's Auction House?
15:56No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House.
16:00We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys.
16:04We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to.
16:08Get there early, though.
16:09We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader.
16:13Oh, James Spader is so handsome.
16:16Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s, he very much was.
16:26All right, Stewie, this is it. We open the cage, let the new Meowr West in, and we're out of
16:31here.
16:32Ah, damn it!
16:40Oh, Meowr West, good news! I think we found your missing cat.
16:44It... it may have had a heart attack from the excitement of this reunion.
16:48Well, I only have one question.
16:50If that's my cat, who's sitting over there on my couch?
16:55Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is...
16:58Go bag!
17:00I don't understand, but how...
17:02A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him in the dumpster left for dead.
17:06Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there.
17:10I'm so sorry, Mayor West. I acted on instinct.
17:13I'm just glad he's not dead.
17:14I teach all my cats to play possum.
17:17And I teach all my possums to play horse.
17:19And I teach all my horses to play cat.
17:21Circle of life.
17:23Meow! Meow!
17:25Did you teach that one, too?
17:26He may have seen my online course.
17:28I don't know.
17:29Now, for your punishment.
17:31Oh, no.
17:31I hate measured consequences to my actions.
17:34Six bad boys with very bad boys sprinkled in to taste.
17:38Six?!
17:39That's a death sentence!
17:40Bad boy!
17:41Ow!
17:41Bad boy!
17:42I can't breathe!
17:43Very bad boy!
17:44That's worse!
17:45Bad boy!
17:46I'm low to the ground!
17:47Bad boy!
17:48I can't get any lower!
17:49Very bad boy!
17:50Oh, the shame!
17:58$800!
17:59Do I hear $900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?
18:03Going once.
18:04Going twice.
18:05Sold!
18:06For $800 to Kevin Smith, who used to be fat and now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's
18:12spell.
18:14Next on the auction block, a vintage scout G.I. Joe with binoculars removed from the colon of Peter Griffin.
18:24This is it, Peter.
18:26Yeah, we're gonna be rich!
18:27We'll start the bidding at $75,000.
18:30$75!
18:31$75!
18:32Do I hear $80?
18:33$80!
18:33It's happening, Peter!
18:35$80,000!
18:36We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food program!
18:46$90,000!
18:48$90!
18:48Do I hear $100?
18:49$100,000!
18:51Woo!
18:55I'm tall.
18:56I'm tall.
18:57I'm all out of faith.
19:00This is how I feel.
19:02I'm cold and I am shamed.
19:04Lying naked on the floor.
19:08$100,000 going once, going twice...
19:12Stop the auction!
19:13Peter, what the hell are you doing?
19:19What is he doing?
19:20Saving three friendships.
19:23My name is Peter Griffin, and I've realized that no amount of money is worth more than great friendships.
19:28I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't about the contents of your butt.
19:32It's about the contents of your heart.
19:35I love you guys.
19:44I'm sorry, Lois, I...
19:45No, I'm the one who's sorry. No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have.
19:51Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways.
19:54But, you made the right decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you.
20:00But this story had an even happier ending, because 39 years later, the guys were all dead.
20:06And I pooped that Joe out again, and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College.
20:12Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman touched my slacks.
20:22I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter.
20:25We won't make the same mistake next time.
20:27Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years.
20:30Maybe we should book that same cabin.
20:32Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible. The guy was pretty mad.
20:35Made me send my own cleaning lady.
20:40Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
20:49How's no good?
20:51I have a hearing word, can he find my 끝?
20:52No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:55That's crazy.
20:55The guy bought a drink her coffee period and was uh, but Evan L Quietschard.
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