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00:08I've been all across the country looking for comedians who have just gotten it.
00:12This person is eventually going to become one of us.
00:15The next household man.
00:17I want to help spark the next person of funny.
00:21And after inviting the funniest to Los Angeles,
00:24say your goodbyes and your congrats and everything,
00:26to the 10 that go, congrats on getting to the next guy.
00:30Okay.
00:35We're down to just 10.
00:42Or so we thought.
00:45What's going on, Andrea? Talk to me.
00:47I'm quitting the show.
00:49I'm like, are you sure?
00:53And now for the top 10.
00:55It's getting serious.
00:56There's a life-changing Netflix comedy special on the line,
00:59so I brought the comics back to L.A.
01:01to take on a comedy classic, a celebrity roast.
01:08Dude, we're here.
01:09It's so cool.
01:10Yeah, I got this.
01:11Wow.
01:12This is gorgeous.
01:14Wait, Winston got married.
01:16I did.
01:17I did.
01:18Yes.
01:19Yes.
01:19Yes.
01:20She was like, if you don't make the top 10, the wedding's off.
01:24Oh, Steve, how's your wedding prep going?
01:27It's still up in the air right now.
01:28What happened?
01:29Y'all pushed it back?
01:30Right now.
01:31Yeah, way back.
01:32Like, how far back?
01:32Okay.
01:33Infinitely back.
01:34Oh, wow.
01:35That's great for Winston.
01:36Yeah.
01:39Sorry, can I get your attention real quick?
01:40Sure.
01:42Unfortunately, Andrea Jin has decided to drop out of the competition.
01:46Is she okay?
01:47She's fine.
01:48She took herself out of it.
01:49Whoa.
01:50And just one more thing.
01:52Somebody else will be entering the competition.
01:54Oh, shit.
01:55I was annoyed.
01:57I'm just like, what y'all doing?
01:59Like, this is like the 12th hour.
02:00I'm adding extra stress to my plate.
02:04Yeah!
02:06Oh!
02:07Oh!
02:08Oh!
02:09Oh!
02:10Oh!
02:10Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:12Oh!
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:14Oh!
02:16I was the only black guy.
02:18And now, I'm not.
02:20I'll tell you what, I love them, but I felt like a KKK member.
02:24Who's letting these niggas in?
02:25Bro, I was in Cancun still trying to get over the fact that I got kicked off.
02:28Then they was like, hey, you want to come back?
02:29I was like, I'll leave right now!
02:31I got to step it up, man.
02:32I definitely feel like I have a lot to prove to everyone.
02:34And I'm not doing this alone.
02:37Joining me, the queen of the roast, Nikki Glaser.
02:41Guys, how are you?
02:42But she's not just here to judge.
02:44She's also here to sharpen the skills of the next generation.
02:47I'm really here to talk about the roast that you all have.
02:51Nikki's the roast queen.
02:52She's, in my opinion, the best roaster of all time.
02:55First, just want to say, open your mind to roasts because they are such a great way to
03:00showcase yourself as a stand-up comedian.
03:03The Tom Brady roast changed my life.
03:05I am excited to have her talk me through some stuff because, like, all I want is her knowledge.
03:10Embrace that for five minutes, you get to truly be, like, a psychopath and say, like,
03:16the darkest, worst stuff that you would never even maybe say in your act because it would
03:21make you so deeply unlikable.
03:23I'm tired of hearing, I don't do roasts.
03:25I just love stand-up comedy.
03:26Well, roasts are stand-up comedy.
03:28They're just jokes.
03:29It's just a different format.
03:30If you do a good showing on this, it really is going to show the world what you're capable
03:34of.
03:46Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Kevin Hart.
04:00Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, sit down, sit down, much appreciated.
04:19So, before we do anything, I want to welcome you guys.
04:22Yes, this is Funny AF.
04:26Guys, do me a favor, man, keep that same energy going for my damn top ten right now.
04:32Show some love to our top ten.
04:36Woo!
04:40Well, it's time to take on a celebrity roast.
04:43And at the end of the show, eight of the top ten will move on to the next round.
04:47And two, well, two of these comics will be going home.
04:51Yes.
04:52Yes.
04:52That's right.
04:53It's unfortunate, but fuck it.
04:55It has to happen.
04:56It has to happen.
04:59It's a competition.
05:00Okay?
05:01But...
05:01Here's where it gets good.
05:02Tonight is the roast of Marshawn Lynch, and joining me...
05:07One of the greatest roasters in the business at the moment, man.
05:10She is who I would like to refer to as the new queen of roasts.
05:15Do me a favor, guys.
05:15Give it up for Nikki Glaser!
05:30So good.
05:35Wow.
05:37I love it.
05:38Kevin, you literally changed my life as a Tom Brady roast.
05:41Because now, I can't go within 200 feet of Tom Brady, and that is...
05:45It's difficult for me, and I know I'm supposed to stay three feet away from you, but with our
05:51height difference, I feel like I am adhering to that tonight.
05:56I get to sit on this couch with Marshawn Lynch and Kevin Hart.
05:59What an honor.
06:00Seriously, my all-time dream two-and-a-half-some.
06:03I mean, this is...
06:06Thank you for letting me do that.
06:07Y'all show Nikki some love.
06:09Show us some more love right now.
06:12Right?
06:14All right, let's keep it moving, guys.
06:1613 seasons in the NFL.
06:18A Super Bowl ring with the Seattle Seahawks.
06:21The man ran through and past everybody that got in his way.
06:25Ladies and gentlemen, here is Beast Mode himself, Marshawn Lynch!
06:31Yeah!
06:38Marshawn Lynch, five Pro Bowls, over 10,000 rushing yards, a Super Bowl ring.
06:45Beast Mode wasn't a nickname.
06:46It was a warning.
06:48But off the field, a larger-than-life personality with the big kid energy to match.
06:55Winding up reporters at press conferences.
06:58Lighting up the big screen.
07:00Yeah.
07:00Hell yeah.
07:01Now he's here.
07:02And this time, the hits are different.
07:05This is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
07:13Marshawn, these are just jokes.
07:15You understand that.
07:16Beat the motherfuckers to a minimum.
07:18No, no, no, no, no.
07:19I'm not a comedian.
07:21No, listen, no.
07:21I still beat ass.
07:22No, no, no, no, no, no.
07:25No, we made an agreement.
07:26You told me you were gonna participate.
07:28I want to make sure you don't plan on meeting none of these people outside.
07:33This is the 50-yard line right here.
07:35Okay.
07:35All right.
07:37Anything you want to say, man, before we get active?
07:38Let's get active.
07:39Let's get active.
07:40Let's get active.
07:41Woo!
07:43Yes.
07:44Now, look, you all know that the prize for the winner of this competition is your own one-hour Netflix
07:51special.
07:51That's right.
07:53A Netflix special is the dream, guys.
07:55It can change everything.
07:57All right.
07:58Are you all ready for a great show?
08:02All right, then let's get it going.
08:04First up, guys, from New York is Usama Sadiqa!
08:17Keep it going, keep it going, keep it going!
08:21Wow!
08:22This is amazing, guys.
08:24Three stars.
08:25And now for the man of the hour, Marshawn Lynch.
08:27Clap it up, Marshawn!
08:29Woo!
08:31Marshawn Lynch, dude, your last name is crazy.
08:34Because it's the worst crime involving your people.
08:39That's like if my name was Usama Usama.
08:45Tread lightly, my boy.
08:47Please don't kill me.
08:49Listen.
08:50Oh, God.
08:50Dude, you are huge.
08:51You are fucking huge as fuck.
08:54People say you look like Allen Iverson.
08:55Bro, you look like if Allen Iverson ate Allen Iverson.
08:59Listen.
09:00It is okay to put on a few pounds after leaving the NFL,
09:03but Jesus, I didn't know you were going to go from beast mode to breast mode.
09:05Jesus.
09:06Oh, my God.
09:08Oh, my God.
09:10Marshawn.
09:14Marshawn, you have one Super Bowl and two Super Jugs.
09:20Dude, you went from Seahawk to Sea Cub.
09:24I am scared to hug you at the end of this because I don't want to go to second base.
09:27I'll be honest.
09:29Ray Lau, I'll tell you what second base is later.
09:30I promise.
09:31What is that?
09:32People say he's the Shohei Ohtani of comedy.
09:35I'm like, that's not true.
09:36Ohtani has been to second base.
09:39Felicia Fox is here.
09:40Clap it up.
09:41Oh, my God.
09:43Woo!
09:45Felicia, if you're here, then who's talking too loudly on every Greyhound buzz?
09:52Oh, my God.
09:52The women here are amazing.
09:53Caitlin Palufa.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:55Hilarious.
09:57Caitlin was actually engaged for many years.
09:59It broke off and now she's dating again.
10:01Caitlin, you're like the Buffalo Bills.
10:03No matter how many black guys play with you, you're never getting a ring.
10:12But, guys, the hilarious D Fury, everyone.
10:15Clap it up.
10:16You creepy looking fuck.
10:20You look like you joined ICE because you already had some kids in cages.
10:25Doesn't Steve give that vibe?
10:27Enough nobodies.
10:28Enough nobodies.
10:29Kevin Hardy, they're clapping up.
10:30Good writing.
10:31Good fucking writing.
10:32Woo!
10:32Kevin Hardy.
10:33Listen, listen.
10:34Kevin, I don't want to do a bunch of short jokes.
10:36So, I think I'll do some long ones about how tiny you are.
10:40Kevin, you are so small.
10:42Like, did someone leave you in the dryer too long?
10:44Like, what is it?
10:45Man, you are the man.
10:46Dude, I know when you have sex, you get hard as a rock.
10:49Sorry.
10:49Um, I misspoke.
10:50I meant to say hard inside the rock.
10:53Sorry.
10:58Guys, Marshawn is an amazing football player.
11:00Amazing.
11:01He retired from the NFL three times.
11:04Marshawn, you are so unique.
11:05The average black man only leaves his family once.
11:10Marshawn, you're one of the most amazing athletes.
11:12I look up to you, dude.
11:13You are the literal goat.
11:15And a goat your size could feed my entire family in Bangladesh.
11:19Thanks for having me.
11:20You guys are great.
11:20Thank y'all so much.
11:21What's up?
11:23What's up?
11:25Yeah.
11:27Woo!
11:28Oh, my God.
11:30Okay.
11:31From New York, it is Caitlyn Palufo!
11:36Hi.
11:37Hi.
11:38Hi.
11:41Hello.
11:43Marshawn, really, why are you here?
11:45Did you think Kevin was a football?
11:47Okay.
11:50Now, I want to make sure you know, I know you're not dumb.
11:53I know you're very smart.
11:54You went to UC Berkeley, but you know.
11:56My helmet hit hard.
11:57Okay.
11:59Oh.
12:01I swear.
12:03Marshawn has taken more shots to the face than Nikki.
12:12Now, I want to be clear.
12:14That is not a cum joke.
12:15That is a Botox joke.
12:16Okay?
12:16I knew it.
12:18Olivia Carter is a new friend.
12:20Wave, Olivia.
12:21Hi.
12:23Yes.
12:24Or as I like to call her, anorexic Gandalf.
12:26Uh.
12:29Between your super religious upbringing and all that goth glam makeup.
12:32Girl, we get it.
12:33You were molested.
12:34Okay?
12:37Another pasty weirdo, Winston Hodges.
12:39Winston.
12:41I got to ask, Winston, if you're here, who's scooping ice cream in the 1950s?
12:46Oh, shit.
12:48Who the fuck do you look like?
12:49Winston.
12:50He looks like the youth pastor that fingered Olivia.
12:56Ron Taylor is here.
12:58Ron Taylor.
13:01Ron is so funny.
13:03He has so many jokes about hooking up with women.
13:06All right?
13:06I never understood how he got laid so often.
13:08But then I realized, oh.
13:09Pity.
13:12I mean, who wants to fuck Ozempic Bernie Mac?
13:16Oh.
13:17Kick.
13:18Kick.
13:20Yeah.
13:21Anyway.
13:21Kevin Hart.
13:23Kevin.
13:25Now, I also don't want to make fun of your height because I love a short king.
13:29I do.
13:29Yes.
13:30They are the best.
13:32Yes.
13:33They are the best at eating pussy because they need the nutrients.
13:38Uh.
13:41That's why he's got so many muscles.
13:43So strong.
13:48Do it again.
13:49Do it again.
13:49Why do you think Nikki's sitting so close?
13:51Oh.
13:53I like being this close to you, Marshawn.
13:55I see that you're a little cross-eyed.
13:57I like that.
13:57Yeah.
13:58I think it's cute.
14:00Yeah.
14:00Oh, yeah.
14:00I'm taking a look.
14:01Oh.
14:04Marshawn.
14:04Let's make a little mocha Travis Kelsey.
14:07Okay?
14:07Oh.
14:09What the fuck?
14:11Marshawn.
14:12I bet being cross-eyed makes you great with the ladies.
14:14Because you can talk to two bitches at once.
14:16Oh.
14:21But really, you are incredible, Marshawn.
14:23Truly.
14:23As a 49er fan, I don't know what was more painful.
14:26Oh.
14:33I don't know what was more painful, watching you beat us or watching your acting career.
14:38Oh.
14:40Oh.
14:40But you are.
14:41You are so accomplished.
14:42Your career is almost perfect.
14:44It's spectacular.
14:44But it's so close to being perfect.
14:46I just think about that last Super Bowl.
14:48Shut the fuck up.
14:51Shut the fuck up.
14:52Think about it, Marshawn.
14:54Think about it, Marshawn.
14:56You were so close.
14:57Two yard line.
14:58Seconds to go.
14:59And they threw the ball for an interception instead of handing it to you.
15:03Imagine.
15:04Imagine if you had scored that touchdown, won that game.
15:07You wouldn't have to be here.
15:10Thank you, guys.
15:11That's it for me.
15:26You crushed it.
15:27I'm proud of you.
15:28Thanks, honey.
15:33What's your biggest fear?
15:34Generally, my comedy is not very mean-spirited.
15:37So you're out of your comfort zone?
15:38I'm out of my comfort zone a little bit.
15:39I'm just, like, really nervous because I want to do a good job.
15:41If you feel bad, say that.
15:43I think it's almost more interesting when it's a nice guy delivering the stuff against his will.
15:48Yeah.
15:49Yeah, definitely against my will.
15:51How are you feeling?
15:52How is all this?
15:53My big thing is, again, because my comedy is mostly about me,
15:56I have a hard time, like, being mean.
15:58Do you know what I mean?
15:59Yeah.
15:59Like, being mean to, like, a stranger.
16:01Because I don't know Marshawn.
16:02Well, I know him of him, but I don't know him personally.
16:05He asked for it.
16:06He asked for it.
16:07Okay.
16:07He signed up for this.
16:08Okay.
16:09He can take these hits.
16:10He's a strong man.
16:11Okay.
16:11And this is your job.
16:12And this is my job.
16:12The thing I love about Rose is, like, I can say all these horrible things, but at the end of
16:16it, people are like, I want to be friends with her.
16:19Why?
16:19I should be locked up.
16:23We're going to keep it going.
16:24From Arlington, Virginia, here's Winston Hodges!
16:36Man.
16:37Aw, thank you so, what an amazing opportunity, man.
16:39Kevin, thank you so much, but what the fuck is this show?
16:43You know what I mean?
16:45Kevin, you make so much money, you could help real fucking people, man.
16:51Bro, fuck this show.
16:53Build a children's hospital.
16:56Oh, my God.
16:58I mean, I'll be real with you, man.
17:00I think you'd find a way to turn that shit into a TV show, too, though.
17:03Oh, my God.
17:04Wouldn't it be amazing?
17:05Next season on Netflix, Tommy wins a new leg on Kevin Hart, Healthy AF.
17:14Oh, man, good job.
17:16To the real reason for the season.
17:18Make some noise for Mr. Marshawn Lynch here, bro.
17:20I'm so excited.
17:22I'm fucking excited, dude.
17:24Do you know how fucking depressing it is to roast a professional athlete that has more television credits than me?
17:32Every day, dude.
17:33I had no idea.
17:34Imagine getting hit in the head so many times you get to go into acting.
17:38Do you understand that?
17:40It turns out CTE just stands for casting talentless idiots.
17:45And I know idiot starts with an I, but Marshawn can't fucking read, so be cool about it.
17:53I love you three.
17:54I love you three so much, man.
17:56We got fucking beast mode, least mode, yeast mode.
18:03Oh, man.
18:05People have been making fun of my glasses.
18:06It's true.
18:07I can't see shit because when I got up here, I looked over here and saw these three and I
18:11thought Nikki was finally famous enough to have two black African kids.
18:14You know?
18:17So close.
18:20Ray, your mustache is fucking ridiculous, man.
18:23It is.
18:24Literally on anyone else in this room, that mustache would make you look like a pedophile.
18:29On Ray, it just looks like you're a little too old to touch.
18:37Ron Taylor's only here because he heard if he wins, he gets to be in the Jackson 5, you know?
18:44We got Felicia Foulkes and Eve Evans here.
18:46I'll tell you one thing, brother.
18:47You're not going to catch a man dressed as a racist Southern lawyer making fun of two black women, okay?
18:53It's not going to happen, all right?
18:55These women are black, they are strong, and they both have fat asses, so they're okay by me.
19:09In 2010, Marshawn Lynch actually got his backup quarterback confused with a reporter.
19:16Marshawn can't tell fucking white people apart, man.
19:23You can't tell us apart.
19:25And that's why, Marshawn, if you got a problem with these jokes, and you want to see me outside, I
19:30need you to fucking remember.
19:33My name is Steve Fury.
19:50Oh, the train doesn't stop now.
19:52We got to keep it going.
19:54From Los Angeles, guys, here is Felicia Foulkes!
20:02Thank you, oh, thank you.
20:05Oh, my God.
20:07I can't believe I'm here.
20:08I know.
20:09I know.
20:10Woo!
20:11No, I can't believe I'm here.
20:12I mean, it's like a complete honor.
20:14I can't believe I get to roast Marshawn Lynch, you know?
20:16This would have been really exciting in 2015.
20:21Nikki Glaser is here.
20:23I'm so happy she's here.
20:24Nikki is truly my favorite living roaster.
20:26I'm not joking.
20:27I love her so much.
20:28A lot of people say we pretend Nikki's funny because she's hot.
20:32Not true.
20:33We know she's funny.
20:34That's why we pretend she's hot.
20:36You know what I mean?
20:39No, honestly, Nikki, it's fine.
20:41I don't mind that you get a lot of plastic surgery.
20:43I think you look beautiful.
20:44You know what I mean?
20:45This is my thing.
20:46You do know they do asses, too, right?
20:51I'll look into it.
20:53Okay, wow.
20:53Seeing Marshawn and Nikki on a couch like this,
20:56it feels like the beginning of a shitty porno, you know?
21:00It's the beginning of a shitty porno, really.
21:02Like, look at them, you know?
21:03It looks like Beauty and the Beast mode, you know?
21:07I want it.
21:09I want it.
21:11It does.
21:13Don't worry, Nikki's such a slut.
21:15She's used to fucking guys that look like monsters.
21:17Don't worry.
21:19Don't worry.
21:19Don't worry.
21:20She likes beasts.
21:21But I don't want to roast you, Marshawn.
21:22You know what I mean?
21:23You, my brother, I don't like.
21:24I don't think black people should roast each other.
21:26Black people got to stick together, you know?
21:27I have your back, you know?
21:28These guys, they don't have your back, you know?
21:30If Ray Lyle's behind your back,
21:32it's because he's following you around the liquor store.
21:34You know what I'm saying?
21:36And Marshawn's not even the most dangerous guy on the stage.
21:38The most dangerous guy on the stage is Steve Fury.
21:40This guy right here.
21:41Yeah, he's a real piece of shit from Sacramento.
21:45Absolutely.
21:45Steve, if you're here,
21:46who's outside stealing my catalytic converter?
21:51I don't know.
21:52Honestly, I'm scared of Usama too, Usama Siddiqui up there.
21:55He's the first Indian fuckboy I've ever met.
21:59Honestly.
22:00He looks like he'd charm a snake and then ghost it.
22:04Good.
22:05Good.
22:06Good.
22:07That's a good job.
22:08That's a good one.
22:09He's a pretty boy.
22:11But we're here to talk about Marshawn Lynch, huh?
22:13Give it up for Marshawn.
22:15Absolutely.
22:17Marshawn looks like someone gave Whoopi Goldberg
22:19the super soldier serum.
22:22No, I like your hair.
22:23I really do.
22:24I like your hair.
22:24I like your locks.
22:25I do.
22:26I feel like you look like T-Pain, you know?
22:28You...
22:29Wow.
22:29You do.
22:30You look like T-Pain after your career gave you CTE pain.
22:33You know?
22:35But I do have a lot of respect for you.
22:36I don't want to pretend like I can't do what you can do.
22:39You can't do what I can do.
22:41Well, that's not true.
22:41I can do what you can do.
22:43I could definitely lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots.
22:46That is...
22:50Okay, thank you guys so much.
22:51Have a good night.
23:05This is something you've done a lot of?
23:09I'm feeling good about the roast...
23:12Like, my jokes, like I believe in on my jokes.
23:14I know that I'm sort of not a traditional roaster, because I'm kind of monotones.
23:18So I don't know if that will be a strength or not.
23:20It works in your stand-up.
23:21You're made for this.
23:23Aw, thanks.
23:23Yeah, your delivery, don't worry about your delivery.
23:25Don't change anything about who you are.
23:26Yeah.
23:27How you feeling?
23:27I feel like I wrote good jokes, but not like, ooh, jokes.
23:31Okay.
23:32Just go hard.
23:33I probably should.
23:34Do it.
23:35Don't leave anything on the table.
23:36Coming back into this competition,
23:37I feel like I need to constantly put the stand-up
23:39like I belong here.
23:40Like, balls to the wall, man.
23:41Like, make sure everyone remembers me.
23:43I just want to know, like, how you're feeling
23:44with this whole roast.
23:46I think I'm kind of weak on roasts of other people,
23:49but I think I'm okay on Kevin, and I think that's open.
23:51Yeah, there's a lot there.
23:52Yeah, there is.
23:53I mean, there's not a lot there.
23:54That's what's there.
23:55I've been flexing a new muscle,
23:57working on something new.
23:58I just hope that it goes well.
24:07This next comic is from Brooklyn, New York.
24:11Here is Olivia!
24:14Yay!
24:15Yay!
24:20What do I say about Marshawn Lynch, you know?
24:23He's actually a good guy, you know?
24:26He gives out turkeys on Thanksgiving.
24:29This would be so much easier if you just raped somebody.
24:32What the fuck?
24:34Even if he did, I'd be like,
24:35eh, he gave me a turkey, you know?
24:40You haven't even publicly dated someone,
24:43and I'm not saying that you date white women in secret.
24:46I'm not saying that.
24:47Mm-hmm.
24:48Mm-hmm.
24:52But if you do, I'm willing to gain 100 pounds.
24:56Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:03Yeah.
25:05I'm just kidding.
25:06I'm more into basketball players.
25:07I'd rather get cheated on than killed.
25:09Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:14You got a decision to make, baby.
25:18Steve Fury, this is the most positive I've been
25:20that someone has paid for sex.
25:24And yes, Usama is from Bangladesh,
25:27So he actually eats pussy with his hands
25:29Yeah, he's a whore
25:43He even tells his right eye. I think we should see other people
25:54And it's too bad you can't see Felicia folks smile. I love her smile. So it reminds me of Nicky's
25:59diet, you know, mostly gum
26:05And now for the man who's pitted us all against each other Kevin Hart
26:10Yes
26:13Obviously we all know he had homophobic tweets about smashing a dollhouse over a gay kid's head
26:19But then where would you live Kevin?
26:28No, I think it's shitty Kevin couldn't host the Oscars because of a mistake from his past
26:33Kevin loves gay people even though they all got cut and there are none on the stage tonight
26:41That's good
26:43That's fucking good
26:47But Kevin I hope you can still have your moment because everyone I have here what would have been his
26:522019 Oscar opening monologue
26:55Do we want to hear it?
27:03Good evening faggots
27:10Oh
27:10Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't read it before. Oops
27:18Thank you so much
27:29Oh
27:32Oscar monologue killed me. Oh
27:34It was insane. That was funny. That was very
27:39Good evening
27:41Yeah, yeah
27:52This next comic was out of the competition, but when another comedian dropped out, he answered the call from New
27:58York. Here's Reg
27:59Thomas
28:07I want to thank Kevin Hart for having me be a part of this roast of Marshawn Lynch
28:13Kevin Hart is one of a kind
28:15He's the only black man in Hollywood who could crash a car and walk away with a tequila brand
28:23Most niggas crash a car and get a court date
28:27He promotes that tequila so much. I thought the name of his last special was drink responsible
28:33Which is hilarious because drinking responsibly is the worst way to enjoy a Kevin Hart film
28:38After three shots you like this little nigga is funny
28:42But with that being said tonight is about Marshawn Lynch one of the greatest running backs of all time
28:54Marshawn just based off your face alone. I want to give you some crayon and glue just to see what
28:59you eat first
29:03Have y'all seen Marshawn eating fucking skittles? He's like
29:07And here come white people. Oh, Marshawn
29:11And I'm like this thing is slow
29:13That's tizzle
29:15There's a pinch
29:17There's a pinch of that tizzle
29:18I'm going to now give my attention to the whitest comedian on the stage
29:24Osama Hussein Siddiqui
29:29When it comes to Osama I feel so bad for his good eye
29:34That good eye works harder than a single mother that good I was like god damn
29:38Can I get some help around here? It's just me
29:42Just throw it down
29:43Just throw it down
29:47I'll get it fixed
29:50Next we have winston winston's a really good guy
29:54I met winston's wife this week and i'm gonna be honest
29:57I was shocked to find out that winston was married to a woman
30:02And then he asked me to fuck her in front of him and i was like that tracks
30:09Next we have the horniest comedian on the stage caitlin palufo
30:16You better believe it
30:18Caitlyn likes to get fucked in her ass because her pussy smells worse
30:23Damn holy fuck
30:25Good night
30:34From los angeles california please make some noise for ray
30:44What's up people how are ya
30:52Marshawn lynch marshawn lynch everybody
30:55Man
30:57Marshawn chose the number 24 because that's the biggest number he knows
31:03Kevin i gotta be honest i just want to say your comedy has been an inspiration for my comedy for
31:07a very long time
31:08Which is why i'm not successful yet so i
31:11Shit
31:12You're an inspiration it's my dream to become a world famous verizon rep too you know i want i want
31:18that
31:19Kevin honestly i mean this whole show has been so amazing you know they always tell me don't meet your
31:23Heroes so this show's been perfect you know i
31:29You know i want to give you credit props kevin i mean people always forget kevin is a stand-up
31:33comedian first okay he's not just a shitty actor
31:39It's true i mean people love to hate on kevin's comedy but kevin has nine stand-up comedy specials if
31:45you watch them all in order that's a good night's sleep okay
31:51One of kevin's comedy heroes is bill cosby that's where he learned how to put people to sleep so
31:55Okay
32:00I mean a lot of people here have been making asian jokes about me i mean to be honest i'm
32:17not
32:19Doesn't it i mean just look at this i mean kevin why do you always have the same stupid face
32:26for every movie poster he always looks like the rock just put it in he's like
32:32Every poster am i wrong
32:37This is a rock right behind this is a rock it's a rock
32:42Thanks guys i'm ray loud appreciate it so much
32:52Some of this stuff is like borderline offensive so i'm a little concerned about that
32:55Like that's what the job is uh-huh
32:59Roasts are stand-up comedy they're just jokes it's just a different format my fiance and i split up are
33:03you ready to joke about it
33:05Yeah she did leave when i got on netflix it was a little bit odd she stuck through the mics
33:08i know
33:08You're supposed to leave her yeah i'm supposed to leave her i don't like roasting at all you know steven
33:13Broke up with his fiance right true that so you gotta hit on that you're really trying to figure out
33:19weaknesses in people's self-esteem that you can exploit it is your job on a roast to go as hard
33:27as
33:27Possible and to offend people that's the job tell you what who knew so much goes into roasting i didn't
33:33Know it was that much of an art form i thought it was just making people feel bad
33:36A lot of work to do
33:41Okay guys let's keep the train going from brooklyn new york it's eva
33:54Thank you for having me hello everyone my name is eva evans and i'm the baddest bitch on this show
34:04Well i'm sorry i'm the second baddest bitch after usama
34:10I'm so happy to see my brother reg here love you reg
34:15Reg is so short and dark when he walked in i thought he was a ghost of the baby i
34:19miscarried
34:24Marshawn
34:26Maybe i don't know shit about football but let me tell you this
34:28i was very excited to meet you because my homegirl told me you were fine
34:33But now that i see you in person i think she meant to say you were fined
34:38Yeah
34:39The nfl took like over a milli from you right do you still have birth do you have any money
34:43love me and the gold diggers want to know um
34:47Kevin i'm so grateful for this opportunity thank you so much i love you
34:53I'm also very jealous of you because you got to kiss the rock before me
34:58Y'all may not notice but kevin was definitely on epstein's island
35:03But he was not mentioned in the files because they thought he was one of the kids
35:11Yeah
35:13Yeah
35:17My good sis felicia
35:19I'm so good
35:21I'm so glad to see that commie's going well for you
35:23Especially after you lost your syrup bottle job y'all give it up for aunt jemima
35:27I'm gonna show her some love show her some love felicia gentrified her pussy
35:36Yeah but luckily for your white boyfriend gout diabetes and high blood pressure are not sexually transmitted
35:46Winston wears contacts and glasses and still can't find the click
35:53I don't understand how he got married i really don't get it i don't get it
35:57Winston is from a small southern town
36:00When he introduced his wife to his folks they already knew her from being her parents too
36:07He married his sister
36:11Usama you look so damn good in that suit babe
36:12Usama is the only brown i want in my panties
36:20Because i know that dick is bomb
36:24I'm talking out of this world trade center
36:30I don't know what's more lazy felicia's personal trainer or usama's left eye
36:37My name is eve evans thank y'all for with me
36:45This next comic from detroit to austin y'all give it up for ron taylor
37:04Well listen there's a lot of stars and stars to be here eva is here miss eva
37:13I don't want to say nothing that's gonna get me me too but if comedy don't work and it won't
37:21Just know i would not be your only fan okay
37:27Brother winston hodges
37:29Just remember that i was nice to you right winston is gonna get a netflix special one way or another
37:36it might be a murder documentary
37:40But that's your coming
37:48And of course the man in the hour marshawn lynch yeah hell yeah
37:57Marshawn a seahawks legend right right right brother kevin a big fan of the eagles and usama is a big
38:06fan of the new york jets
38:09Not the team
38:11But the planes okay
38:18Marshawn just got the aura of a loose pit bull dog just make people scary
38:24I think that's why white women love you actually because white women love to rescue battered animals so that
38:33You're a wild boy the lore of marshawn lynch is very interesting it's like you was created like as a
38:39super villain by a racist nine-year-old like
38:42He's a big strong black beast that runs off of hennessy and skittles
38:50Marshawn was also on the great american baking show he got kicked off because he kept putting weed in all
38:54the cookies
38:56They got weed in there
38:59It's fitting that he wears dreads because that's what he feels white women with when he walks next to him
39:04down the street
39:07I'm sorry
39:10Look i'll be real marshawn is the most oakland person in the world dog like there's no doubt about that
39:17like
39:18Marshawn lynch is what ryan coogler turns into on a full moon
39:25In closing look i want to thank kevin hart for putting this together
39:32Kevin Hart look like the slave you get for free when you buy marshawn lynch
39:46Just throw him in to sweeten the deal you know
39:48Ha ha ha ha ha ha
39:55That's good
39:57Ladies and gentlemen
39:59I'm a strong believer that whoever goes last on the roast deserves the most goddamn energy because
40:06Because you gotta go out with a bang we're at the last comic ladies and gentlemen can i get your
40:11energy in this building
40:15I'm gonna ask you again can i get some energy in a goddamn bed at one time
40:25From los angeles california make some noise for steve
40:34What is up yes ladies and gentlemen marshawn lynch is a legend in the hood
40:43To the suburbs he's maybe one of the ying yang twins
40:49Guys marshawn lynch is so hood that he got his entire nfl salary through cash app
40:57Winston cash app is venmo for black people
41:01Black people are the people you don't let your daughter date
41:07Yes
41:09Give it up guys ladies and gentlemen your dumbest friend's favorite comedian kevin hart
41:16Kevin if you're here who's currently filming the worst movie i've ever seen
41:22Kevin's dad was an avid crack smoker what are the odds that he and his dad's best friend would be
41:27the rock
41:29Good shit yeah i like it guys kevin is the only person to score a triple double in the celebrity
41:34all-star game 10 points 10 assists and 25 uppies
41:41Ray loud great to see you not a lot of people know this but ray and usama actually tied into
41:47whose food can stink up the break room worst contest
41:51Uh huh
41:52Guys let's give it up for usama or as the women he fucks call him scum dog millionaire
41:59Damn
42:01By the way usama i love the tick tocks especially the ones where you're cooking with your feet on the
42:05street
42:07oh
42:07Shit
42:08That yellow goop you guys make looks exquisite
42:13Coincidentally ray's parents are also asian they're dishonored to be here tonight
42:17Oh
42:19Ray was supposed to follow in his family's footsteps of doing deep stretches in the park
42:27That's fine
42:28That's so good
42:30Brooklyn's own eva heavens everyone
42:32How special
42:35Eva has been on bet siriusxm buzzfeed vh1 and the windy william show folks if there's something you don't give
42:42a
42:43Fuck about eva's been a part of it
42:48Felicia folks everybody one of the sweetest and best people i've ever met
42:53Oh my god one of my best friends felicia talks a lot about how her hometown of inglewood is getting
42:58gentrified
42:59She's dating a white jew felicia the call is coming from inside the house
43:06Felicia looks like an elementary school bus driver that yells y'all better not be playing on this motherfucking bus
43:16You better not be
43:22Guys ron lives in his van so he might be the first person to have a netflix special but not
43:27be able to afford the account
43:30I'm actually surprised ron is here tonight he's usually at the library charging up all his electronics
43:38Marsha on a library is where you read free books
43:42Gotcha a book is like a playbook but instead of pictures they use words words are the things you can't
43:48spell
43:50That's my time everybody thank you very much
43:52I
43:57Well-deserved you guys all brought your form of comedy to the style of roasting and that's what the challenge
44:04was about
44:06I want to give a big thanks to marshawn licks now nikki and i we gotta go make the hard
44:11decision to see who's moving on
44:13We got to also see who's going on
44:14Thank you guys so so much good night
44:30We got the hardest job right now you thought roasting was hard but now trying to judge these guys yeah,
44:35yeah, that's insane
44:36All right, all right. This is it
44:38This is just tough. It's tough. It's tough. I'm like all of them if you had to watch someone do
44:43comedy right now
44:44Who said do you want to watch?
44:46Osama was amazing. Hell yeah
44:47Very very strong. Yeah, he's got it. I like his comments. He really does. Yeah, Felicia
44:52Killed Caitlyn fucking destroyed
44:55Olivia Olivia took some crazy chances and they paid off. She was great. You know what's meaner than I thought?
45:01Olivia
45:02Olivia was meaner than I thought she'd be. I was like, oh, shit
45:05I said yeah
45:07Reg I like the fact that reg got a call to come in when he was he was ready for
45:12the moment. He really was what do we think about?
45:15Eva maybe her jokes weren't
45:17The best jokes of the night
45:20Yeah, I don't think I don't think
45:20But I'm left after watching her set feeling like I had such a good time to me
45:24I like that who was who was trash for me would probably be wrong
45:28Yeah, I think he did it in his way, but his way was it felt
45:32It felt rushed. It didn't feel it didn't feel as prepared
45:35He felt like he was phoning it in a little bit. I think he had the best joke of the
45:39night
45:39Bro, bro, I think the slave joke was the best joke
45:42The slave joke was the best joke
45:43I think it was the best joke
45:44I think it was the best joke
45:45It was literally amazing
45:46I mean, Steve is an amazing kind of Steve
45:48The thing about Steve is like he just had too much and he didn't edit, you know
45:51It was like too much
45:53Too wordy and
45:54He's delivering it all down the barrel
45:55Watch
45:56Yes
45:56I just wish Ray would have had more that's about martial art
46:00I think he didn't hit you
46:01I don't think he embraced the the full capacity of the assignment of doing this
46:06He didn't understand
46:07All right, Nicki, I appreciate you
46:09Oh my god
46:10You put in so much work
46:11It was so much fun
46:12I'm so proud of these guys
46:13When we talk about cutting players and shit, it's exactly what we do
46:17Let's go and deliver the bathroom
46:18Y'all go and get out
46:19We absolutely put it out there today no matter what happens
46:22You made it to top ten
46:23That's it
46:23We're winners
46:25Ready?
46:26Uh, top ten on three
46:27One, two, three
46:27Top ten!
46:29I feel good
46:30Overall I feel good, you know
46:31It's a little nerve wracking obviously
46:33A little anxiety inducing
46:34But that's par for the course at this point
46:41I'm not a roaster
46:43It's not my thing
46:43It's not my specialty
46:44I don't do this
46:45Anything besides stand-up is not my comfort zone
46:48So I'm feeling nervous, not gonna lie
46:50I feel proud of my work today
46:51I know that I definitely put my best out there
46:54This is a nightmare
46:55I'm spiraling
46:56I'm joking
46:57I'm fine
46:57I feel great
46:59But I think the beauty of what you guys did was embrace it
47:02You embraced the idea of it
47:03While still staying true to your unique voice
47:06That's what the challenge was about
47:08This is a tough one
47:09But it's supposed to be
47:09If you didn't make it tough
47:11Then that means that you didn't really do your job
47:14All right, so eight spots
47:15Get to go on to the next round
47:17Two of you will be going home
47:18I'll start off by naming the spots
47:20That are being fulfilled for the next round
47:23First name
47:26Winston Hodges
47:28Great set, man
47:32Very well written, strong performance
47:36Caitlyn
47:37Your personality seemed to get stronger
47:39And the audience was in your hand
47:44Olivia
47:46You're a great example
47:47I think of what I mean when I say stay true to yourself
47:49And I was very impressed
47:51At how you approached the podium
47:54Felicia
47:56I like how you kept it very personable
48:01Lusama
48:03The first comic out the gate
48:05You set the tone
48:06You really came out with a bang
48:09I'm also going to put through
48:11Reg, man
48:15Hey man, you came in prepared
48:18You didn't look like a guy that was an alternate
48:20So congrats to you for seizing the fucking market
48:25All right, two spots left
48:27I think between the last four
48:30I can say that the conversation
48:32was very much aligned with you all
48:35Nobody had a flat line
48:36Nobody bombed
48:38Steve, I'll tell you
48:39I'll be honest
48:40Your set didn't start off strong
48:42But you had a nice build
48:44And I liked that you stayed in the pocket
48:45Ron, I think that you could have
48:48Went a little deeper into the comedy bag
48:50That Ron possesses
48:52Even here's what I'm going to say about you, man
48:53You have a very raw
48:55I don't give a fuck
48:56I'm confident in what I am and who I am
48:59I did want to see more of you staying on the jokes
49:02And not moving through it so fast
49:04You didn't hit the dais
49:06You didn't hit Marshawn
49:08But were you funny?
49:10Fuck yeah, you be funny
49:11All right, two people move on to the next round
49:15This is not an easy decision
49:19My next choice to go through is
49:22This is not an easy decision
49:26I said they ready for the show
49:29I don't know
49:30I don't know
49:31Hit another stage
49:33Gotta go
49:34Gotta go
49:34Turned another page
49:36Another chapter
49:37Long ago
49:38Handling this business
49:39Like a pro
49:40Like a pro
49:41Stay up in it
49:42We gon' get it
49:43We drop in it
49:44Represent it
49:45We jump in it
49:45Gotta keep it hot
49:46With the juice sauce in it
49:47Never gon' stop
49:48Best proof we quit it
49:49Never gon' stop
49:49We will never quit it
49:50Never gon' stop
49:51This just the beginning
49:52Never gon' stop
49:53You thought that it ended
49:54Admit it
49:54Backwards
49:55Backwards
49:56Backwards
50:04Backwards
50:05Backwards
50:05Backwards
50:06Backwards
50:07Backwards
50:09Backwards
50:10Backwards
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