- 4 hours ago
Bill Bailey Larks In Transit 2021
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:02Welcome to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.
00:05Please welcome to the stage, Bill Bailey.
00:23Welcome!
00:26Welcome, welcome, everybody, to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.
00:30What a fantastic venue. It's a great honour to be here.
00:33Some of you, I imagine, will be opera buffs,
00:35and you'll be thinking, this is a bit hard, isn't it?
00:40Bill Bailey, comedian, Royal Opera House.
00:44Has there been some sort of mix-up in the booking?
00:48There's Katherine Jenkins appearing at the Chuckle Lounge in Lowestoft.
00:55Which I would pay good money to see.
00:59A little bit of housekeeping before we start.
01:02I've got a jazz button.
01:03When I deploy the jazz button,
01:04it turns the Opera House briefly into a jazz club.
01:12So, we'll be using that in an emergency.
01:16And I also have a medieval button.
01:24So there's that.
01:26I have a Boris randomiser.
01:28I have had some drugs.
01:29OK.
01:35No idea what's going to come out of that.
01:37And I also have a bin of wonder.
01:46I'm guessing you might want to see that again.
01:49I have a bin of wonder.
01:54One more time.
01:56I have a bin of wonder.
02:03Now, some of you may be thinking,
02:04why has Bill got some kind of barbecue on the stage?
02:07Well, this is actually a rather intriguing instrument.
02:11It's actually a convex steel drum.
02:14Or a handpan, a hang drum, if you will.
02:16And it makes a rather beautiful and intriguing sound.
02:19I'll give you a brief demo.
02:37Here it is.
02:40Here it is.
02:41It's a rather lovely thing.
02:43It's unfortunate.
02:44It has been espoused by the tie-dyed community.
02:47It gets used a lot on the promotional videos for yoga retreats.
02:51You know.
02:52Welcome to the Earth Wellness Centre.
02:55Drift downstream on a lilo of the limbic system.
02:58Join us for a zen humming and healing weekend with oatmeal conversation.
03:01You know.
03:02It's just...
03:02It's been introduced by the Reiki Flay Karate.
03:05And, uh...
03:08But you've got to say,
03:09that it does lend itself rather to the meditative act.
03:14Doesn't it not?
03:14It's the perfect instrument.
03:16In a way that perhaps the bagpipes wouldn't be quite so relaxing.
03:20Relax your mind.
03:22Imagine you're on a beautiful river.
03:24What?
03:25Relax!
03:27So...
03:29Over here.
03:31Now this is, um...
03:33This is the theremin.
03:34You play it by proximity.
03:38It was invented by accident by a Russian KGB radio engineer in 1920.
03:43Of course you knew that.
03:44And, uh, it was, um...
03:46It was, uh...
03:47Basically, there's two electromagnetic processors
03:49which, uh...
03:51...create these realms of oscillation, as I call them.
03:53I mean, it's not called that, but I like the word.
03:55Like the term.
03:56Realm of Oscillation.
03:57It sounds like an experimental music duo from Lowestoft.
04:01Hello, we're Realm of Oscillation.
04:03This is our new track.
04:04Mole Frequency.
04:05Oh, great.
04:07And you play it by proximity.
04:09You move your hand into its realm.
04:14You can play it with any part of the body.
04:16You can play it with the head.
04:18It's intriguing and annoying.
04:20And, uh...
04:22This is something perhaps more familiar.
04:23This is an iPhone.
04:25Now, there's an app on it called GarageBand.
04:27A beautiful instrument called the Erhu.
04:29A Chinese bowed guitar.
04:32And I've, uh, contrived to, uh, present a piece for you.
04:35A duet for two iPhones.
04:37Oh, there's a place.
04:45Do you want all of eyes?
04:48Alvaro Palom destounce?
05:05Do you want all of eyes?
05:05Do you want all of eyes?
05:05Alvaro Palom,
05:06Do you want all of eyes?
05:07That's why you hope.
05:24What if you have that if you have yourself?
05:27Yes, well
05:35None of this makes any sense
05:38I'll tell you what didn't make sense to me you know the high street freezer chain in Iceland
05:45Okay, so you know what I may have pitched this a little bit wrong for the Royal Opera House
05:53You get a different class of punter here, don't you?
05:56You're looking at me like what like a high street freezer chain? Good lord, what is such a thing?
06:04I love coming to these do's you know to hear these low-brow comedians and the humdrum lives that they
06:11lead
06:11Tell us more Vaudevillian
06:15Tell us of this high street of which you speak
06:20A mechanical device for freezing things? Good lord
06:22You'll be telling me that women have got the vote next
06:25Good lord
06:26How do we get cool things Marjorie?
06:27Well a chap from the village brings a block of ice up on a cart and Francois carves it into
06:32a swan and we serve the canapes on that
06:33Oh I see, anyway
06:35Carry on
06:37So
06:41Shall we try that again?
06:44You know the high street freezer chain in Iceland, right?
06:47Of course you do
06:50Now
06:50They got into a bit of a contretemps with the country, Iceland, right?
06:54This is a true story
06:55Iceland, the country
06:56Took them to court to stop them using the name Iceland
06:59Lest they be mixed up, right?
07:02Lest people were unable to distinguish between the two
07:05But let me ask you a genuine question, Royal Opera House
07:09Who? Who are these people incapable of distinguishing between a shop and a country?
07:15Who are these people coming out of Reykjavik Airport and standing there looking round going
07:20Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
07:23No, this is just lava fields and disgraced banks
07:28Where's me cod parcel in a cheese and chive sauce?
07:35I've got a theory about who these people might be
07:37It's a little bit contentious
07:38Idiots, right?
07:40We all know them
07:42We've all seen them in casualty
07:43They're the ones with a compass stuck in their forehead
07:46Because they try to draw a circumference of their own face
07:53People would say things like wearing a mask
07:55It's like living in Nazi Germany
07:57Wearing a mask
07:59Yeah, because that's what the Nazis were known for
08:01Wasn't it? Mild inconvenience
08:07What, take the bins out on Wednesdays as opposed to a Thursday fart living in Nazi Germany?
08:16Anyway
08:18Good evening
08:20I'm Bill Bailey by the way
08:22I'm a person of note
08:23I was voted seventh most intelligent person on the TV by readers of Radio Times Magazine
08:29So, yes, thank you
08:33Number six is Lisa Simpson, a fictitious cartoon character
08:39I have a recognizable face
08:41And sometimes it can lead to some sort of rather odd exchanges
08:46I was driving down to the West Country
08:49I came out of a service station
08:50And I wasn't wearing a seatbelt
08:53These two cops stopped me
08:54And he said
08:55He said, you weren't wearing a seatbelt
08:57I went, no
08:58And then he tried to tell me a story
09:00Just sort of demonstrating the dangers of not wearing a seatbelt
09:03It didn't make any sense at all
09:05He said, you know the band Def Leppard?
09:07I said, yeah
09:07He goes, you know the drummer's only got one arm
09:09I said, yeah
09:10You know, we lost it
09:11No, car crash, wasn't it?
09:13Yeah
09:13Thrown from the vehicle
09:15Ripped his arm right off
09:16Wasn't wearing a seatbelt
09:17Lost his arm, drummer
09:19His girlfriend, she was in a passenger seat
09:21She was wearing a seatbelt
09:22Killed, instantly
09:29So, like I say
09:30Doesn't make any sense
09:31Right
09:32Okay, time for a bit of a song
09:35I reckon, Royal Opera House
09:36So
09:39This
09:39Is a
09:40Four-string Appalachian blues guitar
09:52And it has been
09:53Cunningly fashioned from Holy Bible
09:57So
09:58It makes a righteous sound
10:01Two settings
10:02Old Testament
10:03New Testament
10:10Long time ago
10:12In a place not unlike this
10:14I was feeling low
10:17And I stared into the abyss
10:20And I prayed to the Lord
10:22That I'm a sinner
10:25So I was not prioritised
10:29A heavenly voice said
10:31Your prayer is important to the Lord
10:35We are currently experiencing a high volume of prayer
10:40Some prayers are recorded for training purposes
10:44You are currently
10:45Eight millionth in a queue
10:48While I was alone and confused
10:50Like a pangolin in space
10:53And in my time of torment
10:55Help came from a different place
11:02Well I stood on the clifftop
11:04I looked down at the sea
11:06I heard the devil whisper
11:08Are you looking for me?
11:11In that kind of generic American accent
11:13The devil sometimes speaks
11:15Yeah
11:18You never get a west country devil
11:20Did you?
11:20Hello there!
11:21Oi Satan!
11:25No you're not
11:25I flippin' well I am
11:26What the whos and everything
11:28Shut up, alright
11:32Deal out the card son
11:33And your soul will be released
11:36But understand if you lose this hand
11:38Your soul belongs to me
11:40Deal out the card son
11:42And your soul will be released
11:45Name your card game son
11:46I said happy families
11:50Well the devil raised an eyebrow
11:52He said prepare to meet thy maker
11:54Well I looked the devil in the eye
11:56And played Mr. Bundabaker
11:58Well a crowd of demons laughed and shrieked
12:01And the devil's fork got closer
12:03The devil looked me right in the eye
12:05And played Mr. Grits the grocer
12:06Well the devil started cacklin'
12:09And he'd be cacklin' yet
12:11But the prince of lies had no reply
12:13To Mr. Flea the vet
12:15Well the devil hung his head that day
12:17And my soul jumped for joy
12:19Cause the devil knew I still had in my hand
12:22Jones the delivery boy
12:24I beat the devil on that day
12:27I drank from life's sweet cup
12:28Because there ain't no Jones the delivery boy
12:31I made the sucker up
12:34I beat the devil
12:37Beat the devil
12:39Beat the devil
12:54I'm just thinking I might use this
12:57Like the old style comics used to do a rim shot after a joke
13:00You know?
13:00They do a joke and they go
13:02Like that
13:02This is more of a sort of
13:04A new age rim shot
13:05You know?
13:07I could do an old style joke
13:08I went for an innuendoscopy
13:09He said where do you want it?
13:10I said wouldn't you like to know?
13:14Um...
13:16Um...
13:16Um...
13:34Um...
13:35Here we go
13:36The fight back starts here
13:37I once played a game of Yahtzee
13:39Look, it's a tricky thing to rhyme, alright?
13:49I once played a game of Yahtzee
13:51With a man that was clearly a Nazi
13:53He threw a four, then he walked out the door
13:55Because the black dots on the white dice annoyed him
13:57As it was black and white working together in a meaningful way
14:06Comedy is very important
14:08Jokes are important
14:08Jokes are historical
14:09I mean one of the great classics of jokes
14:11The joke format
14:12The knock-knock joke
14:14It's rooted in history
14:14Anyone know where it comes from?
14:16You!
14:16Where does it come from?
14:18No?
14:18No one?
14:19No, no, no idea?
14:20Beg your pardon?
14:21The front door
14:22The what, sorry?
14:23The front door?
14:36No, I like it
14:37It's a good answer
14:38But er...
14:40So what you're saying is
14:40Without the door
14:41There would be no knock-knock jokes
14:43Is that what you're saying?
14:44So really what we're asking the question is
14:46When were doors invented?
14:48That's really
14:49Because surely
14:50The knock-knock joke followed in pretty short order after that
14:53Why have we been to the door?
14:54Wait a minute
14:54I see an opportunity for hilarity
15:00Anyone else?
15:01The porter scene from Macbeth
15:03Oh, now that is very good knowledge
15:05Excellent work, sir
15:06Yes, the porter scene from Macbeth
15:08The porter wakes up with a hangover
15:10Pretends to be the keeper of the gates of hell
15:12We've all done it
15:13And er...
15:16He creates this scene where he goes
15:18Knock-knock
15:18Who's there in the name of Beelzebub?
15:21Here is a farmer
15:22Who's hanged himself in expectation of plenty
15:25It's not hilarious
15:26But erm...
15:29Then again a lot of Shakespearean jokes
15:30Oh, really are they?
15:31I went to town in a galliard
15:33I came home in a caranto
15:34Ha!
15:35Nothing
15:36So...
15:38Taxi for Shakespeare
15:39You know
15:39It's erm...
15:41One year we were opening some crackers
15:43And a knock-knock joke came out
15:45My wife attempted to say it
15:47But it all...
15:47It went wrong somehow
15:48She contrived to get it wrong
15:49She picked up the little bit of paper
15:51With the joke on it
15:52She looked at it
15:52She said...
15:53Who's there?
15:59Whereupon the person she was telling the joke to said
16:01Knock-knock
16:07And the more I said...
16:08Who?
16:13And to this day
16:14That's one of the finest knock-knock jokes I've ever heard
16:21You can't eat chicken in a onesie
16:24Yeah...
16:24Well erm...
16:26Now...
16:27Look at...
16:28What is this?
16:28Like the medieval news?
16:33Today...
16:34Demons were driven from an agitated pig in Gloucester
16:37So...
16:39Anyone here?
16:40In a relationship?
16:43Oh...
16:43Seven or eight people
16:45Er...
16:46The rest of you?
16:47Just er...
16:47Singles...
16:48Looking for love
16:49Er...
16:50Is that right?
16:51Yeah...
16:52Wow...
16:52You thought we were going to a Bill Bailey gig
16:54That's where you're gonna...
16:58Pick up someone
17:00Yeah...
17:02Er...
17:02Er...
17:03Yes...
17:03Okay...
17:04Alright...
17:04Anyone...
17:04Er...
17:05Er...
17:05Er...
17:05Er...
17:05Er...
17:07Er...
17:08Er...
17:09Er...
17:29Er...
17:30The rest of you may ring a bell with you
17:31Or...
17:32Er...
17:32Er...
17:32Anyone...
17:32From um...
17:33Er...
17:34Whatever end of the sexual buffet you choose to graze
17:39LAUGHTER
17:42Which...
17:43I can guarantee you those words are the first time they've been uttered from this stage
17:47Alright!
17:50Whichever...
17:51Whichever end of the sexual buffet you choose to graze
17:54You choose to graze, you choose to graze
17:56You choose to graze, you choose to graze
17:59From the sexual buffet you choose to graze
18:01Which is the end, which is the end, which is the end
18:04Oh, which is the end, which is the end
18:06From the sexual buffet you choose to graze
18:09Something like that
18:12Anyway
18:14Here it is, it's called Love
18:16Hey, you are my world, yeah
18:19Where do you put my keys?
18:20I don't have them
18:22Yes, you've got them in your bag
18:23No, definitely
18:25Nope
18:25Well, that's the only place they might be
18:28What about the hook where they normally are?
18:30What?
18:30Have you looked there?
18:31No
18:41All right then
18:43All right then, let's have a bit of class in proceedings
18:46One of the great operatic arias
18:49La Habanera
18:50Has this wonderful sort of mix of major and minor
18:55You know, from Bizet's Carmen
18:57When it goes from
18:58To the major, to the minor again
19:02It's a beautiful demonstration of the fickle nature of love
19:05I can't do it justice without an opera singer
19:08So will you please welcome as a special treat
19:10The wonderful Florence Vorostovsky
19:13All right then, let's have a bit of applause
19:29He knows how to call him if he needs to refuse.
19:38He knows how to call him, and he knows how to call him.
19:45He knows how to call him, and he knows how to call him.
19:56L'amour, l'amour, l'amour, l'amour.
20:09L'amour est enfant de bohème.
20:13Il n'a jamais, jamais cru de loi.
20:17Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime.
20:22Si je t'aime, prends garde à toi.
20:27Si tu ne m'aimes pas, si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime.
20:34Mais si je t'aime, si je tu veux, prends garde à toi.
21:05Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
21:09What a treat.
21:12So, please, bring on the bells of opera.
21:52Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
22:06Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
22:07Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
22:21Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
22:23Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
22:58Oh, McDonnell
23:04Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
23:07Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
23:49Sous-titrage Société Radio
24:19Sous-titrage Société Radio
24:29Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
25:01Sous-titrage Société Radio
25:32Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
25:38Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
25:40Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
26:05Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
26:06Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
26:08Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
26:12Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
26:33I don't know whether they... That's a euphemism or something.
26:36Jersey baskets. I don't know.
26:39I love this one. Two stars.
26:41The staff were very common.
26:48My favourite, a one-star, one-word review, overpriced.
26:55I look for the little sort of glimmers of hope.
26:58And sometimes you find them, right?
27:00Someone has taken the trouble to set up a Twitter account
27:03in the name of Samuel Pepys, the 17th-century London diarist.
27:08So the Twitter feed is just genuine extracts from Pepys' diary,
27:13which is a beautiful thing.
27:14But, of course, this being Twitter,
27:16there's a lot of people that have never heard of Samuel Pepys,
27:18so they just think it's some old bloke talking in a weird way.
27:23So you get these fantastic exchanges, like this one.
27:26This is an entry from 1665.
27:28I was mightily troubled with a looseness.
27:36And feeling for the chamber pot, there was none.
27:40I, having called the maid up out of her bed,
27:42she had forgot, I suppose, to put one there,
27:44so I was forced, in this strange house,
27:47to rise and shit in the chimney twice.
28:04And somebody's replied, been there, bruv, been there.
28:18So if you know anybody called Adam Hodgson,
28:20don't let them stay in your spare room, that's my advice.
28:28Suddenly, I find myself, you know, pictures in the tabloid,
28:31all Bill Bailey, what he's wearing, what he's doing,
28:34and you become a commodity.
28:35And, you know, things that you do and say and wear are worth money,
28:38sometimes a lot of money.
28:39You know, video footage, sort of intemperate comments,
28:43suddenly they're in the tabloids.
28:44And, you know, and this came to a head quite dramatically
28:48when I received a message via Twitter from someone unknown to me.
28:53And he said, Bill, I just thought I'd warn you,
28:55here are some screenshots of emails I've sent to the Sun newspaper.
28:59And I was like, immediately my heart starts going like this.
29:01Oh, my God, what have I done?
29:03Have I misidentified a Hawking-off?
29:08And so then the first email, right, this is all true.
29:12It said, Dear the Sun newspaper,
29:15I have some compromising video footage of Bill Bailey.
29:18Would you be interested, right?
29:20So the Sun came back in short order.
29:22Yes, we would.
29:22What is the nature of this video footage, right?
29:25And this is what he wrote.
29:26He said, I was walking in the countryside
29:29and I heard a commotion in a nearby field.
29:31I looked through the hedge and there was TV's Bill Bailey
29:35trying to get on the back of a llama, right?
29:40He was clearly intoxicated.
29:42He was swinging from a bottle of Jack Daniels.
29:44When he saw me, he became abusive
29:46and shouting an Apache war cry chased me across the field.
29:51Would you be interested in this footage?
29:53And they came back and said, yes,
29:54we'd be very interested in the footage.
29:56And he said, how much would you prepare to pay?
29:58And they came back straight away,
29:59the opening bid, £20,000, right?
30:02So the bloke messaged me and he said,
30:04do you fancy doing it?
30:05We'll split the money.
30:19I mean, it's tempting, right?
30:22Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube.
30:24That's what I'm saying.
30:34One of the great things about this job is you get to travel.
30:37You get an idea about a place.
30:38You get a sense of a place.
30:40Sometimes from just your first arrival in the airport or whatever.
30:44Australia, a very friendly place.
30:45Australia is a very friendly country once you're in.
30:48But getting into Australia can be a little problematic.
30:52You know, they're very, very strict customs.
30:54Incredibly strict.
30:55They ask you loads and loads of questions.
30:56They're quite brusque.
30:58When I arrived in Melbourne once,
30:59this bloke looked at me and he goes, right.
31:01He goes, have you got tuberculosis?
31:03And we go, oh, straight out of the traps.
31:06You know, you feel nervous.
31:07Well, I've got a bit of a tickle.
31:08I've got a bit of a tickle.
31:10And then they're obsessed with fun.
31:12You've been on a farm recently?
31:13Do you know any farmers?
31:14Have you fallen asleep under a horse?
31:16And the horse has drooled into your eye?
31:22You ever kissed anyone you weren't in a relationship with?
31:24You ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have?
31:27Have you ever fallen for someone so hard
31:29that you'd walk through fire for them,
31:31but then they go to Thailand with a fitness instructor
31:34and your heart freezes
31:35and the slightest touch is shattering into a million pieces?
31:37No.
31:38Welcome to Australia.
31:43Some places, some places are very friendly.
31:46Sweden, that's a very friendly place.
31:48Actually, almost too friendly.
31:49They're like ridiculously friendly.
31:51Like, hey, okay.
31:52Like, all right, back off.
31:55This one guy said to me, he goes,
31:57okay, you come to Sweden, yeah?
31:58Yeah, okay.
31:59I goes, okay, one more question
32:02and you can come into Sweden.
32:05Okay.
32:07Hope you get it right.
32:10So, have you said anything mean about anybody
32:12in the last month?
32:13No?
32:13Okay, welcome to Sweden.
32:18South Africa, a little bit different.
32:20I think I might, I just think I've got some,
32:23a bloke having a bad day.
32:25I was in Cape Town Airport
32:26and I was going through and the bloke said,
32:28what's in the bag?
32:29And I went, oh, it's duty free.
32:31Oh, duty free, eh?
32:33Duty free?
32:35Yeah, it's duty free.
32:37Oh, right.
32:38What's that then?
32:38Uh, Toblerone.
32:40Toblerone, eh?
32:40You think you can bring Toblerone in, yeah?
32:44Uh, uh, yeah.
32:46What's wrong with that?
32:46It can be used as a weapon.
32:48No, it can't.
32:49Yeah.
32:49You put it in the freezer,
32:50you get it nice and hard,
32:52you whittle away with a sharp knife
32:53and then you gather David to a stale baguette,
32:56you have a formidable weapon.
32:57You're just a nutter.
33:04People are obsessed with this country, aren't they?
33:06They're obsessed with Britain.
33:07We love a bit of mischievousness.
33:08We love to deliberately spike something,
33:11make it go wrong.
33:12Oh, oh, oh, whoops-a-daisy.
33:14I was having dinner in France with three Brits.
33:16A waiter dropped a full tray of drinks,
33:18like that.
33:19No one batted an eyelid.
33:21The four Brits, to a man, simultaneously.
33:24Hey!
33:26Loser!
33:27Back to the figures!
33:32I was on a train, right?
33:33In Britain, right, we stopped,
33:35made an unscheduled stop in a cutting, right?
33:37There was a smell of smoke in the carriage
33:39and everyone's like, what's that?
33:40An announcement came on.
33:42I apologise for the delay.
33:43There appears to be a slight technical problem.
33:45We'll get that sorted out as soon as we can.
33:48And he then, he forgot to turn the microphone off,
33:50so then we heard this.
33:51Gary, it's on fire!
33:52What are we going to do?
33:57The whole carriage just cheered.
34:00Hey!
34:01We're on the fire!
34:03Woo-hoo!
34:05People texting their friends.
34:06We're on fire, lol.
34:07On a train, fire emoji.
34:09Ha-ha.
34:12These German people go,
34:13we must evacuate the train
34:15and all the Brits are congering up the car.
34:17We're on fire!
34:19Woo-hoo!
34:26One of the most chaotic but beautiful places I've been to
34:31is Indonesia.
34:32Indonesia, a place of great beauty,
34:33wonderful people.
34:34A place where the normal rules don't apply, though.
34:37I mean, it's a place where chaos reigns.
34:39It's the only...
34:40I mean, things happen there
34:41that just don't happen anywhere in the world.
34:43I was booked on a domestic flight within Indonesia
34:46and I got to the airport
34:47and the flight had left early, right?
34:50Now...
34:54I can't tell you how much that blew my mind, right?
34:59What?
35:00And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:01They got most of the passengers on
35:02and the weather was good
35:03so they thought they'd sort of get ahead of themselves.
35:10I got on a little inter-island hopper plane once in Indonesia.
35:14The safety chat was a thing of beauty.
35:15The pilot was fiddling around in the cockpit
35:17and then he turned around like that
35:19and seemed genuinely surprised to see passengers.
35:26And then he just went, all right, right?
35:30What are we going to do?
35:31OK, you're on the bus.
35:35I was there to make a documentary.
35:39We were trying to film the dance of the Red Bird of Paradise.
35:44One, this extraordinary bird.
35:46It dwells in the deep jungles of eastern Indonesia.
35:50Very few people have even seen it.
35:51And it performs this extraordinary dance.
35:54It's a preposterously plumed bird, right?
35:56It's wires and feathers and plumage.
35:59It's got a look on its face that says,
36:01I should be extinct, right?
36:02I mean, it just...
36:04It seems bemused by its own longevity.
36:07And every morning at dawn in the deep jungle
36:11at the top of a jungle canopy, 120 feet up,
36:15it performs an elaborate dance to get a mate, right?
36:18Every morning at dawn.
36:20Can you imagine, fellas,
36:21every morning having to get up...
36:24Oh, for goodness, here we go.
36:37The night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night
36:39of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the
36:39night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of
36:44the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night
36:44of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the
36:44night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of
36:45the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night
36:45of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the
36:45night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of
36:45the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night
36:47of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the night of the
36:51night
36:58Like that, every morning.
37:05Yeah.
37:08Thing is, right, I didn't get to see it.
37:11Because you have to be pulled up in a harness, 120 feet up, to see this dance.
37:15There was no way I'm getting in this harness because I had, well, not to put too fine a point
37:21in it,
37:21I was much troubled with the looseness.
37:30So the thought of being hoisted 120 feet up in a harness above my friends and family.
37:40Let us never speak of this again.
37:44But when I'm in a country, I like to be able to speak a bit of the language, you know.
37:47So I bought a little phrase book, an Indonesian phrase book called Practical Dialogues.
37:53But I've got to tell you, these are not practical in any way.
37:58Or not even dialogues, a lot of them.
38:00It just feels like you're in some weird kind of, sort of almost like a Brechtian sort of parallel universe.
38:06The conversation seemed loaded with something else.
38:09This one just says, I need some fresh fruit.
38:11But it seems, there's something else, there's a subtext going on.
38:15I need some fresh fruit.
38:16You seem to like fruit.
38:20I like fruit very much.
38:22What kind of fruit do you like?
38:23Apples.
38:23What about bananas?
38:25Yes.
38:28Some of them feel like you're in a psychodrama.
38:31Tell me why you didn't say hello to Lucy yesterday.
38:35Because I didn't want to.
38:37What's going on?
38:38Nothing.
38:39Did she annoy you?
38:40No.
38:40You are hiding something.
38:45I just came in for toothpaste.
38:49This one's called, It Burns.
38:51Right?
38:53What does fire do?
38:54It burns.
38:56What catches fire?
38:57Paper, hair, cotton.
39:01What is a fire alarm?
39:02An apparatus for making know the outbreak of fire.
39:05Is fire destructive?
39:07When fire is angry, it can destroy.
39:11Okay, cheers.
39:14This is perhaps my favourite.
39:16What is yoga?
39:18There's no preamble like, are you into fitness?
39:20Do you like fitness?
39:22No.
39:22Just that.
39:23What is yoga?
39:25Imagine you're sitting on a plane.
39:27And the person sitting next to you just turns to you randomly and just says,
39:30What is yoga?
39:32You'd be pushing the button, wouldn't you?
39:34Like, ding, ding, ding, ding.
39:35Help, there's a nutter.
39:37And, but in this world, people are very obliging.
39:40What is yoga?
39:41It is a Hindu system of meditation and self-control.
39:44What is it intended for?
39:46To produce mystical experience and the union of the individual soul with the universal spirit.
39:50Is your sister still in India?
39:52Yeah.
39:59Makes no sense.
40:00Right.
40:01So when, so when I'm playing music, right, I like to play it in the minor key.
40:07The minor key, more powerful than the major key.
40:09The major key, too eager to please.
40:11Like me, like me, like me, like me.
40:13And the major key.
40:14No, back off.
40:16Right?
40:17The minor key, much more evocative.
40:21Some of the world's greatest music written in the minor key.
40:23Fury Leaser, A minor.
40:27In the major key, not so much.
40:42Now, I mean, it just sounds like a Bavarian milky song.
40:47Now, you know, songs that are upbeat in their lyric tend to be accompanied by a major key.
40:54Like, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
40:59No, I want to hear it in the minor key, sung with contempt.
41:02You make me happy when skies are grey.
41:07You never know, dear, how much I love you.
41:14Now, I know what you're thinking.
41:16Why don't you sing it in German, Bill?
41:17All right, then.
41:26Everybody, join it.
41:28You make me happy when the sky is grey.
41:37You make me happy when the sky is grey.
41:42You make me happy when the sky is grey.
41:48Now, we have some German speakers in.
41:50Are you some German?
41:53Wow, way more German than I thought.
41:57What a reaction to that.
41:58I should have been doing it in German from the beginning.
42:02All right, then.
42:02I'm going to do that.
42:03I'm going to start the show again and see how far I get.
42:06So, here we go.
42:07Let's German it up a bit.
42:09Willkommen, Bill Bailey.
42:20Jawohl, willkommen.
42:22Ich heiße Bill Bailey.
42:23Ich habe ein wunderbin.
42:26Ja.
43:00Man kann mit dem Kopf spielen.
43:06Ich habe ein bisschen Musiker-Komödie.
43:10Hey, Wumpla.
43:19Was ist Yoga?
43:26Das Rotes-Paradies-Wögel.
43:29Das wohnt auf dem Kopf von der Jungelbaum.
43:35Und jedes Morgens Herr-Wögel macht ein Spezial-Sex-Tanz.
43:45So, Treffen mit der Fräulein-Wögel.
43:51Oh, Herr Wögel, du hast einen Sextanz gemacht.
43:55Ja, ich will einen Sextanz machen.
43:57Ja.
43:58Hier, komm her.
43:59Oh, Herr Wögel, du hast einen Sextanz gemacht.
44:19Oh, Herr Wögel, du hast einen Sextanz gemacht.
44:35Aber man muss in eine Schlinge gehoben, zu sehen, zu sehen, der Tanz.
44:40Und ich kann nicht in die Schlinge gehen.
44:43Ich habe ein Problem mit meinem Arsch.
44:50Mein Arsch und Wögel ist kaputt.
44:55Right, that's enough of that.
44:57Okay, right.
44:59So.
45:03Now, the American National Anthem, very bold, very stirring music.
45:10You know, it's kind of like, gives you very stirring feelings of pride and nationalism.
45:15But if you play it in the minor key, it changes it completely.
45:23Makes it sound a bit Russian.
45:26So, I'm just, hashtag, just saying, right?
45:32I love America, though.
45:33I'd love to be in one of those great, big American kind of action franchises.
45:40I love Jason Bourne as well, my favourite action hero.
45:43Ah, he's fantastic.
45:44None of Bond's silly gadgets.
45:46Bourne, he improvises, doesn't he?
45:47You're coming in with a knife, you stick a pen through your hand.
45:50You try and attack him, he'll put a hole punch through the fleshy part of your upper arm.
45:54Ooh, that's got a sting.
45:56Stationery, that's his weapon of choice.
45:58You corner him in a Ryman's, you've got no chance.
46:03He's laminating my hand, argh!
46:07Staple your eyebrows to the back of your neck.
46:09He's a demon.
46:11Jason Statham.
46:12Ah, he's another one.
46:13I love Jason Statham.
46:14The way he moves.
46:15He always moves in one plane.
46:16He just moves sight to sight like that.
46:18He comes out of a building, he comes out sideways.
46:20Flips around, and then he moves like that.
46:21Come on, I want a geyser, I want a geyser.
46:23You know, he's got a bit of crab DNA in him, I reckon.
46:28I was doing a show once in L.A., and this producer came to see me after the show, and
46:32he was very sort of, you know, complimentary.
46:34He said, great show.
46:35He said, let's meet and discuss projects.
46:36I was like, okay.
46:37I said, let's not blow it, Bill.
46:39Come on, you know, just try not to be English and mischievous about this.
46:44Try and play it straight.
46:45You know, but it didn't go very well, because we went for lunch, and he said, great show.
46:50He said, look, I don't want to blow smoke up your ass.
46:52And I said, I was nervous.
46:53I went, oh, thank goodness for that.
46:55Yeah, that sounds disgusting.
46:59And, but being American, he took me literally.
47:01He went, no, I'm not going to do that.
47:03It is not, it's just an expression to say that I do not, when I was like, oh, for God's
47:07sake, yes, I know what it, oh, Christ, I know what it means.
47:10And then I just got annoyed and mischievous, and I just prayed it straight back.
47:14I said, yeah, it'd be very difficult to do, wouldn't it?
47:16I'd have to stand on a chair or a table or a raised print, and then remove my trousers
47:22and pants, and you, but you wouldn't actually be able to blow the smoke up my ass, because
47:26the sphincter's a very, very tight muscle.
47:27The smoke would just sort of diffuse on the buttocks.
47:30You'd probably have to get a pipe up there, or maybe a funnel, work that in, and then
47:34waft the smoke up with a menu or something to hand, and that way you would achieve ingress
47:40of smoke into the rectal area, and I never saw him again after that.
47:44That was it, really.
47:55So, it's a true story, actually.
47:56The original director of Lord of the Rings was not Peter Jackson.
48:01It was actually Quentin Tarantino, and I would love to have seen that, just for the opening
48:05sequence.
48:10Freeze Frame, Bruce Willis as Frodo.
48:15Dwayne The Rock Johnson as the Balrog.
48:21Samuel L. Jackson as Gandalf.
48:25Somebody get this, mother!
48:27Orcs out of this goddamn mother!
48:29Mother!
48:30Get!
48:31Mother!
48:32I!
48:38Mordor!
48:42Well, any metal fans, then?
48:46Right!
48:47Just for the avoidance of doubt, that is the genre of music, not the substance.
48:52Some of you are going, brass!
48:54I like brass, actually, yes!
48:56And then somebody going, I think you'll find that's an alloy.
48:58So, er...
49:01No, your audience, Bill.
49:05I love metal, right?
49:06If I was allowed to at home, I'd have amplifiers in every room in my house, connected wirelessly
49:12to my guitar, and I'd just walk around the house, playing metal around the house.
49:15Walking in the lounge, walking through to the kitchen, do you want some breakfast?
49:26Yes, I do!
49:28What kind of milk?
49:29What do you want?
49:31Cornflakes!
49:36What kind of milk?
49:38To me skim, then?
49:40Pouring on the milk.
49:41Blak, blak, blak, blak, blak, blak.
49:42Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
49:44Finished! Putting my bowl in the dishwasher!
49:53Bing-bong! Someone at the door! I'll go!
49:57Walking down the hall! Walking down the hall!
50:01Walking down the hall to the door!
50:03Who will it be? I don't know! I don't know!
50:06Hold up to wait and see! It's a mystery!
50:13Opening the door!
50:16Oh!
50:18It's Jehovah's Witnesses! I've got this!
50:26I've given my life to the life of Satan!
50:32The Dark Lord dwells in my eyes! Beelzebub...
50:36They've gone!
50:42Thank you very much! Roll up the house!
50:45Alright then, let us play upon the horns!
50:47The tuned alpine cow horns!
50:52Here there!
50:53Thank you, chaps! Here we go!
50:59The End
52:24All right then.
52:30So are there any Irish people in?
52:33There's always a few.
52:37So I'd like to send you out into the balmy Covent Garden air with a little Irish reel.
53:00Let's take a breather.
53:19In your face, Ed Sheeran.
53:53Let's take a breather.
54:00Let's take a breather.
54:16Let's take a breather.
54:49Let's take a breather.
54:57Let's take a breather.
55:01Let's take a breather.
55:03Let's take a breather.
55:16Let's take a breather.
55:21Let's take a breather.
55:28Let's take a breather.
Comments