Josh Blue Freak Accident

LegalDramaDaily

Transcript

00:00:01You think that I'm just

00:00:06Sunlight Survivor

00:00:09You think that I'm just

00:00:16Sunlight Survivor

00:00:18Thank you

00:00:25Thank you very much

00:00:37That is my time

00:00:39Thank you so much

00:00:41Did you see me trip into my special?

00:00:44That's great

00:00:45That sums up my whole act

00:00:51Buckle up

00:00:53Here we go

00:00:55So I know a lot of you

00:00:57Saw me get third place on America's Got Talent

00:01:00Thank you

00:01:07America's Got Talent is an amazing show to be part of

00:01:10It is definitely a little weird

00:01:13Because it's the largest talent show in the world

00:01:16But it's like comedy versus whatever

00:01:22Like do you like one-legged unicyclists?

00:01:27How about two dogs in a duffel bag?

00:01:31Doesn't make any sense this show

00:01:33And I don't mind getting third place

00:01:36That's actually great

00:01:37You know I'm touring all over

00:01:39And uh

00:01:40Well I'm here tonight

00:01:48Well because

00:01:49This is what third gets ya

00:01:55Yeah fuck you Hollywood

00:02:01I'm going to Greenwood Village bitch

00:02:11Vegas can suck it too

00:02:15I'd rather be here any damn day

00:02:24Well I live here

00:02:25It's great

00:02:29Again third place

00:02:31Is amazing

00:02:32But

00:02:32The thing is

00:02:34Me getting third place

00:02:37Just

00:02:39Proves once again

00:02:41That Americans

00:02:43Have no idea

00:02:46How to fucking vote

00:02:56Every chance you get

00:02:57You'll fuck it up man

00:02:59Well this guy seems like a real dumbass

00:03:02Huh

00:03:03That's my guy

00:03:04Yeah

00:03:08America's Got Talent though

00:03:09They want to

00:03:11Like get you to say

00:03:12Crazy things in these interviews

00:03:14So they'll be

00:03:15They'll be goading me like

00:03:16So Josh

00:03:17Do you think that you're funnier

00:03:19Than a little girl

00:03:20That can sing Pavarotti

00:03:26I'm sure fucking hope so

00:03:31I know I can hip check her

00:03:33In the hallway

00:03:33I know that

00:03:36I never wanted to beat up kids

00:03:38More in my life

00:03:41Little talented shits

00:03:42Get out of here

00:03:44I will say this

00:03:45About America's Got Talent

00:03:47It's very inclusive

00:03:48To the disabled community

00:03:50Yeah

00:03:55I mean

00:03:57Some people call it

00:03:58Exploitation

00:03:59But that's

00:04:12No it is very inclusive show

00:04:15Like you know

00:04:16I have cerebral palsy

00:04:18And there's amazing acts

00:04:19Like Cody Lee

00:04:20He's blind and artistic

00:04:22Man he's amazing

00:04:24Such an amazing talent

00:04:25And then it just all walks alive

00:04:29Like ballerinas

00:04:30With no arms

00:04:31And like all the way down

00:04:34To magicians

00:04:44I'm not sure what spectrum that is

00:04:47But

00:04:49They're definitely on it

00:04:52Again I don't mind

00:04:54Getting third place

00:04:56But do you understand

00:04:57How humiliating it is

00:04:59To lose

00:05:01To a fucking magician

00:05:08I've never been more embarrassed

00:05:10In my whole life

00:05:10I'm telling you

00:05:11But here's the thing

00:05:12About magic man

00:05:14It just gets me so bad

00:05:16Because we're a room full of adults

00:05:18You guys all understand

00:05:21That magic

00:05:24Isn't fucking real

00:05:25Right

00:05:28You get that right

00:05:29They tell you up front

00:05:31It's called a trick

00:05:34Okay I'm gonna trick you now

00:05:38And then somehow

00:05:39You're still like

00:05:49Where did my nickel go

00:05:56Fucking creep

00:05:57Stole it from me

00:06:02Fuck magic

00:06:03I hate that shit

00:06:05Biggest bunch of bullshit

00:06:07I've ever seen in my life

00:06:09I didn't like magic

00:06:10Before this

00:06:11But now

00:06:14Yeah the other day

00:06:15My son tried to show me

00:06:16A magic trick

00:06:17I was like

00:06:18Not in this house

00:06:23You see son

00:06:24We have dignity

00:06:27Not like these

00:06:28Fake ass wizards

00:06:31Little Harry Potter bitch

00:06:39Hey you guys

00:06:40Want to see a trick

00:06:44That's actually

00:06:45What a pimp says

00:06:52And I'd much rather

00:06:53My son be a pimp

00:06:55Than a magician

00:07:02But listen man

00:07:03I don't know

00:07:04Where you pulled

00:07:05That rabbit out of

00:07:05But I know

00:07:06Where you can stick it

00:07:10Up there

00:07:11With that gerbil

00:07:18I knew there were

00:07:19Some filthy magic lovers

00:07:21Out there

00:07:26Dark arts motherfuckers

00:07:27Come on

00:07:30I gotta say

00:07:31A lot of you are laughing

00:07:32But I can see

00:07:33Quite a few people

00:07:34Just looking at me like

00:07:37Well he was such a nice boy

00:07:39On television

00:07:42I'm a real boy

00:07:50Just got my strings cut off

00:08:00Still working it out

00:08:07It's a Pinocchio joke

00:08:09Guys

00:08:09I feel like some of you

00:08:12Didn't get that

00:08:14I don't know why

00:08:15You wouldn't have

00:08:16Got my reference

00:08:16From a cartoon

00:08:17From the 40s

00:08:21Did you know

00:08:22That there is

00:08:23An actual like

00:08:23List of all the talents

00:08:25In the world

00:08:27Like there's a huge

00:08:28Compiled list

00:08:29Of all

00:08:31And like

00:08:31It's a picking order

00:08:32Like of

00:08:34Worth and value

00:08:36And like

00:08:37It's a very

00:08:38Like

00:08:40Huge list

00:08:41I mean

00:08:42It's like

00:08:43It's so long

00:08:44And um

00:08:46I actually memorized it

00:08:50And I was gonna give you

00:08:52Like a rundown

00:08:54Of what's on the list

00:08:55Obviously we don't have time

00:08:57For the whole list

00:08:58But like a good example

00:09:00Is at the very top

00:09:02Is stand-up comedy

00:09:10And then the next rundown

00:09:14Is astronauts

00:09:16And then dolphins

00:09:24And Michael Jordan

00:09:25And then like

00:09:27I'll just scroll down

00:09:29Down

00:09:30Like a bunch of pages down

00:09:32And then we get to like

00:09:33Um

00:09:33Improv groups

00:09:35And then

00:09:36Juggalos

00:09:39And then

00:09:40Guitar acts

00:09:42And then the Irish

00:09:47And just calm down

00:09:49The list is still

00:09:50Really long

00:09:51You're pretty high up

00:09:52Irish

00:09:53You're doing good

00:09:54It's a very long list

00:09:56Don't be so quick

00:09:58To judge here

00:10:00And again

00:10:01He just

00:10:01I just gonna scroll down

00:10:03To like

00:10:03Interesting rocks

00:10:05And then like

00:10:10Chia pets

00:10:12And then

00:10:13Big kites

00:10:17And then

00:10:18Down

00:10:19Down

00:10:20I'll just go to the bottom

00:10:22Where you finally get to

00:10:23Mimes

00:10:26And then

00:10:30Mentalists

00:10:32And a mentalist

00:10:33Is just a

00:10:34Magician

00:10:35That's smart enough

00:10:36Not to call themselves that

00:10:41And then

00:10:42Ventriloquists

00:10:45And then

00:10:46Joe Rogan

00:10:55And then

00:10:56You finally get on down

00:10:57To the filthy

00:10:58Fucking magicians

00:10:59Very bottom

00:11:01Very bottom

00:11:02Well here's the thing

00:11:04If you're not getting

00:11:04My humor

00:11:08That's actually

00:11:09My fault

00:11:11You see

00:11:12I didn't explain

00:11:14How comedy works

00:11:17So I'm just gonna

00:11:18Give you a quick

00:11:19Rundown

00:11:21And again

00:11:22This isn't for

00:11:23Most of you

00:11:25You're doing great

00:11:29Just a couple

00:11:31A couple of pockets

00:11:36All right

00:11:37So how a joke works

00:11:40Is I take an idea

00:11:46And then I go

00:11:48And then I go and I take another idea

00:11:52And then I bring them together

00:11:57And then when they come together

00:12:00That's the funny part

00:12:05But the only thing is

00:12:08You gotta do the math

00:12:12So you gotta be able to go into your own head

00:12:14And then figure out why

00:12:20The other people are laughing

00:12:31All right

00:12:32Well let's see if you can follow this one

00:12:37So I got a neighbor

00:12:40That's colorblind

00:12:41And he

00:12:43Is surprisingly racist

00:12:54You guys get it?

00:13:01It's because he doesn't see color

00:13:06That's the part that's weird

00:13:09That he would harbor hatred in his heart

00:13:17I hate that guy man

00:13:21The other day I went over to his house

00:13:23I was like

00:13:23Listen man

00:13:24It's not cool to be racist

00:13:26He was like

00:13:26Get your black ass off my porch

00:13:41I was like

00:13:42She

00:13:43That was a pretty easy one guys

00:13:59And I'm gonna step it up now

00:14:04You know

00:14:05Because there's no point

00:14:06In holding the whole class back

00:14:09For just a couple of pockets

00:14:20Oh hey

00:14:21Is that for me?

00:14:23Oh thank you

00:14:24Was it that bad, huh?

00:14:28I thought I was doing okay

00:14:30Yeah

00:14:35You know it's bad

00:14:36When a seasoned server's like

00:14:38Hey I've seen a lot of shows

00:14:39And you're gonna need this

00:14:47It's not a good sign on the special

00:14:49You know

00:14:54Well here's the real deal

00:14:55I do like drinking

00:14:56But I'm already working

00:14:58With a speech impediment

00:15:03And besides I don't know

00:15:05Which one of you sick fucks

00:15:06Sent that up here

00:15:10And I see one of you

00:15:12Just like

00:15:12I'll give this to the comedian

00:15:16It's a little payback

00:15:17For Cosby

00:15:21Oh shit

00:15:23All right

00:15:24All right

00:15:25Oh

00:15:26All right

00:15:27Oh

00:15:28Yeah

00:15:29They're just making sure

00:15:30We're all listening

00:15:34Yeah

00:15:35You're doing it

00:15:36You're doing it

00:15:39So proud of you guys

00:15:43Come a long way tonight

00:15:45That Cosby thing man

00:15:47That fucked me up

00:15:47Because as a comedian

00:15:49I grew up looking up to that guy

00:15:51We all watched his show

00:15:53It was a great show

00:15:54And then that came out about him

00:15:55And it ruined his body of work

00:15:58But here's my thing

00:16:00I always was a little suspicious

00:16:04Because anytime anybody's that clean

00:16:07In public

00:16:09Remember he was always like

00:16:10Oh you can't say the filthy curse words

00:16:14That just reminds me

00:16:15Of those politicians

00:16:16That are like

00:16:17These homosexuals

00:16:20Are ruining our nation

00:16:23Blah

00:16:32Just

00:16:34Just

00:16:36Just sucking random dicks

00:16:39In airports

00:16:39Blah

00:16:40Blah

00:16:41Blah

00:16:42I can't find enough of these things

00:16:44Blah

00:16:45Blah

00:16:46Blah

00:16:51Blah

00:16:52Remember they busted a senator

00:16:54In the Minneapolis airport

00:16:55It was a little while back

00:16:57They had a whole sting operation

00:16:59It was called

00:17:02To catch a senator

00:17:08And they got one

00:17:12It didn't even take too long

00:17:13It didn't even take too long

00:17:15But basically how it worked

00:17:17Is that you go in the men's room

00:17:19And then you go into one of the stalls

00:17:21And then you poke your foot

00:17:23Under the side

00:17:25To the next stall

00:17:26And that's a sign

00:17:27That you

00:17:29You know

00:17:30Need a blowjob

00:17:32Or whatever makes you fly better

00:17:34Whatever makes you fly better

00:17:35You know

00:17:43All right

00:17:45All I'm saying guys

00:17:47I fly a lot

00:17:50And I'm like

00:17:51Well how far

00:17:52I gotta get my leg out of here

00:18:04Come on

00:18:05Two stalls over

00:18:08No takers

00:18:09No takers

00:18:15All I get is pissed off dude

00:18:17It's like here's some toilet paper

00:18:18Fuck off

00:18:32Fucking magic

00:18:42You get it?

00:18:48You know

00:18:49Having a disability

00:18:50Is

00:18:51It's interesting

00:18:52Because people always

00:18:52Want to help me with stuff

00:18:54And that's so kind

00:18:55I do appreciate it

00:18:57But here's the deal

00:18:58For the most part

00:18:59I got it

00:19:01You know

00:19:03And the other thing about me

00:19:04Is I'm not afraid

00:19:05To ask you for help

00:19:08Like

00:19:08I know my limits

00:19:09Like

00:19:10Let's say there's a

00:19:11Pot of hot soup

00:19:13That needs to be carried

00:19:18I'm like

00:19:19Hey

00:19:20Please

00:19:20You know

00:19:21Thank you

00:19:23I appreciate that man

00:19:24Thank you

00:19:28Well what I've come to find

00:19:30Is that more often than not

00:19:31People are like

00:19:31Hey

00:19:32Can I pour that for you?

00:19:33And then they spill it

00:19:35And I'm like

00:19:35Well I could have

00:19:36Fucking done that

00:19:44And you robbed me

00:19:45Of my independence

00:19:51That's actually

00:19:52The funny part

00:19:57Cheers everyone

00:20:04Yeah

00:20:04Use more next time

00:20:06Date Raper

00:20:14I ain't feeling shit

00:20:17It's just good to be touring

00:20:19You know

00:20:19Well the whole thing

00:20:20With COVID

00:20:21Is like

00:20:21You guys understand

00:20:23That I'm coming in here

00:20:26With

00:20:27Some pre-existing conditions

00:20:33Let me tell you

00:20:35When COVID showed up

00:20:36I was like

00:20:36Get in line

00:20:37Motherfucker

00:20:43You're at the back

00:20:44With bunions

00:20:45And tennis elbow

00:20:52They're good dudes

00:20:53They'll show you around

00:20:55Ins and outs

00:20:59COVID though

00:21:00I mean

00:21:00I've been a comedian

00:21:01For 20 years

00:21:02Doing 200 shows a year

00:21:04And then the pandemic hit

00:21:06And I became

00:21:07A homeschool teacher

00:21:13I was very ill prepared

00:21:15For that

00:21:18You see folks

00:21:20I'm a comic

00:21:20For a reason

00:21:23Like sorry

00:21:24Sorry guys

00:21:24Daddy can't help you

00:21:26With your math homework

00:21:27But if you need

00:21:29A good dick joke

00:21:29I gotcha

00:21:38A big one

00:21:39With curves in it

00:21:44That's curves plural

00:21:48I like a good plot twist

00:21:50I don't know

00:21:55The whole pandemic

00:21:56I mean

00:21:56Here's the deal

00:21:57I have two kids

00:21:59I love being a dad

00:22:01And I'll be sure

00:22:07I'll be sure and tell him

00:22:09You did that

00:22:13Hey guys

00:22:14Got my special

00:22:14On the seven people

00:22:16Clap for you

00:22:27You guys understand

00:22:29That I can fucking hear

00:22:32Right

00:22:45I have two kids

00:22:47And I also have

00:22:4850% custody

00:22:49Of the kids

00:22:51And uh

00:22:52Well

00:22:53If you know anything

00:22:54About that

00:22:55You know

00:22:59That's

00:23:00A lot of custody

00:23:13I've actually

00:23:14Like sat down

00:23:15And worked it out

00:23:16That's half of my time

00:23:21And that's real

00:23:22That's real time

00:23:25That you don't get back

00:23:26It's real

00:23:30Again

00:23:31I love my kids

00:23:32Very much

00:23:33But

00:23:34It's time to go

00:23:36To your fucking

00:23:37Mom's house

00:23:37I have a 12 year old

00:23:46Daughter

00:23:46And uh

00:23:47She

00:23:49Will not

00:23:50Shut the fuck up

00:23:51Man

00:23:52Oh

00:23:53Oh my god

00:23:54Oh

00:23:57Again

00:23:58I like her a lot

00:24:02She's probably

00:24:03In my top five

00:24:12I just don't know

00:24:13How to tell her

00:24:14Any other way

00:24:15I don't give a

00:24:17Flying fuck

00:24:17About Ariana Grande

00:24:22And then

00:24:23To offset that

00:24:24I also have

00:24:24A 14 year old

00:24:25Boy

00:24:26Living at the house

00:24:28You guys

00:24:28Familiar with

00:24:29These weirdies

00:24:33I'm telling you

00:24:34It's all I can do

00:24:35To keep them

00:24:35Off the magic

00:24:48I'm like

00:24:48Nah bro

00:24:52Oh and he's also

00:24:53Been taking a lot

00:24:54Of long showers

00:24:59Yeah and when he

00:25:00Finally comes out

00:25:01His hair isn't even wet

00:25:12Come on man

00:25:14You can lie

00:25:16Better to me

00:25:20The other day

00:25:21I stopped him

00:25:22In the hallway

00:25:23After a particularly

00:25:24Long shower

00:25:27I caught him

00:25:28I was like

00:25:28Hey man listen

00:25:30I don't give a shit

00:25:31What you're doing

00:25:31In there

00:25:32Just turn off

00:25:33The fucking water

00:25:44I'm like

00:25:44Do you understand

00:25:45How many laughs

00:25:46I had to get

00:25:47For that shower

00:25:54That wasn't enough

00:25:55Guys

00:25:59Yeah my boy's

00:26:00Ankles are still dry

00:26:06He's causing

00:26:08The drought here

00:26:15Remember the first

00:26:17Couple months

00:26:18Of the lockdown

00:26:19There's some real

00:26:20Dark days

00:26:22Yeah I just

00:26:23Thought I'd bring

00:26:25You back there

00:26:28I remember the

00:26:29First couple of

00:26:30Months of that

00:26:30Lockdown

00:26:31The whole world

00:26:32Is caving in

00:26:33Around me

00:26:34All of us

00:26:35You know

00:26:35We don't know

00:26:35What the hell

00:26:36Is going on

00:26:37You lost your

00:26:38Job

00:26:38You're locked

00:26:40In your house

00:26:40With your kids

00:26:45Just washing

00:26:46Your mail

00:26:46And shit

00:26:50I tell you

00:26:51I found myself

00:26:52Doing all these

00:26:53Childhood activities

00:26:54You know

00:26:55Like doing puzzles

00:26:56And playing board games

00:26:58And crying

00:27:03Maybe throw in

00:27:05Some long showers

00:27:13Sometimes I'd cry

00:27:15In the shower

00:27:18Just multitasking

00:27:23I'll tell you this

00:27:24About the pandemic

00:27:26Like I would

00:27:27Rather cry

00:27:28Than do a

00:27:29Fucking puzzle

00:27:33Shit I'd rather

00:27:34Eat a puzzle

00:27:38Thousand pieces

00:27:39No problem

00:27:43And then in the morning

00:27:45I shit out

00:27:45A rustic farmhouse

00:27:57Which is weird

00:27:59Because it was a

00:27:59Puzzle of a kitty

00:28:06Something ain't right

00:28:07Down there

00:28:10Something's off

00:28:17So stupid

00:28:18Alright

00:28:27Yeah this right arm

00:28:29He's a

00:28:31He's a busy boy

00:28:32Over there

00:28:36Very busy

00:28:38Appendage

00:28:38For sure

00:28:40It's like living

00:28:41With a raccoon

00:28:42Or something

00:28:45Yeah the sun goes down

00:28:47He got some shit

00:28:48To do

00:28:51He's over there

00:28:52Scurrying around

00:28:55I still don't even know

00:28:56Where he got the watch

00:29:09Yeah the little fucker

00:29:10Won't let me look at it

00:29:11Either way

00:29:33Yeah he probably got it

00:29:35From a magician

00:29:46Fuck magic

00:29:51Fucking hate magic

00:29:52Alright

00:29:56Motherfucker

00:29:57Alright

00:30:05At night

00:30:06I'm trying to sleep

00:30:07And this thing

00:30:07Is just up

00:30:08You know

00:30:09Writing emails

00:30:19I'm like

00:30:19Who could you possibly

00:30:20Be writing to

00:30:23Probably

00:30:24Probably

00:30:24Some clubfoot

00:30:25In Kansas

00:30:35That's a

00:30:36That's a pretty hard

00:30:37Correspondent right there

00:30:38I can't imagine

00:30:41A clubfoot

00:30:42Types too well

00:30:48I don't know

00:30:49I don't know

00:30:49Why I say this shit

00:30:50Man

00:30:50I don't

00:30:54I don't

00:30:55I never write

00:30:55Any of this down

00:30:56It's just

00:30:59You should see me

00:31:00Before the show

00:31:00Just pacing around

00:31:02Like

00:31:02Oh man

00:31:03I hope it comes out again

00:31:07Frankly

00:31:08You're lucky

00:31:08I'm even facing

00:31:09The right direction

00:31:12Right

00:31:16Oh yeah

00:31:17Oh look at this shit

00:31:19Look at this

00:31:25Don't encourage him

00:31:28He didn't earn that

00:31:31I got dudes

00:31:32Running up on me

00:31:33Yo bro

00:31:34You work out

00:31:35I'm like

00:31:36I can't even

00:31:36Get him to lift

00:31:37A fucking fork

00:31:41This is straight

00:31:42Palsy bro

00:31:46You wish you had this

00:31:49Man I've been

00:31:50Working out

00:31:51Since I came out

00:31:57And probably

00:31:58A little in utero

00:32:02You know what they say

00:32:04The early baby

00:32:05Gets the Popeye arm

00:32:13I don't think

00:32:14They really say that

00:32:18But now that you

00:32:20Heard me say it

00:32:20You should say it

00:32:23You gotta try that

00:32:24At work

00:32:24And let me know

00:32:25How it goes

00:32:28Actually I'm pretty sure

00:32:29I know how that goes

00:32:31Hey Thompson

00:32:32You're early today

00:32:34Well boss

00:32:34You know what they say

00:32:35The early baby

00:32:36Gets the Popeye arm

00:32:38Huh

00:32:44I'm gonna need you

00:32:45To pack your shit up

00:32:46And get out of here

00:32:55Okay you've had your turn

00:32:57Bud

00:32:58Oh okay

00:32:59We'll do it

00:33:01You wanna

00:33:01This'll

00:33:03This'll shut him up

00:33:04Alright look at this

00:33:20Palsy shadow puppets

00:33:24I'm gonna win AGT next time

00:33:29Apparently the only thing

00:33:31That can beat magic

00:33:32Is an injured crane

00:33:42Did you see the shadow?

00:33:4737 more months of winter

00:33:56Fucking magic

00:34:03Now listen

00:34:05I was coming in here tonight

00:34:07And one of you stopped me out there

00:34:09In the lobby

00:34:10Just so excited

00:34:11Hey

00:34:13I came here just to see you

00:34:17I was like well

00:34:18I guess you can fucking go home

00:34:30Mission accomplished

00:34:33You dumbass

00:34:41And if you figured out

00:34:42You're supposed to stick around

00:34:45Sorry I called you a dumbass

00:34:49I was at my hotel the other day

00:34:52I went to go get some delicious

00:34:54Lobby coffee

00:34:55You know

00:35:02Is it just me

00:35:04Or does every hotel

00:35:05Somehow manage to make their coffee

00:35:07Taste like it was percolated

00:35:10Through a trucker's ass

00:35:21Junkie

00:35:31That's actually where the

00:35:32Term cup of joe

00:35:34Comes from

00:35:41Thanks Joe

00:35:44You made a good one

00:35:47From his rim to mine

00:36:01Sorry that's so gross

00:36:04You know

00:36:05Before I say this crazy shit

00:36:07I do have that alarm

00:36:08In my head

00:36:09Going off

00:36:09Like

00:36:10Hey dude

00:36:11Don't say

00:36:13Clubfoot in Kansas

00:36:15Or something

00:36:15Yeah

00:36:18But then I say it

00:36:19And you laugh

00:36:20And I'm like

00:36:20Ha ha

00:36:20Told you fucker

00:36:26Don't you be

00:36:27Questioning me

00:36:32You know

00:36:32I really used to think

00:36:33I had a way

00:36:34With animals

00:36:36And then I realized

00:36:37That I just make

00:36:38A lot of crumbs

00:36:49I just got a pack

00:36:51A random ass dog

00:36:52Is following me around

00:36:54Just hoping I'll break

00:36:56Into a muffin

00:36:57Or something

00:36:59I don't know

00:37:00How many times

00:37:01I've tried to go

00:37:01Into a restaurant

00:37:02They're like

00:37:02You can't bring

00:37:03Your dogs in here

00:37:04These ain't my fucking dogs

00:37:08If you could get

00:37:09In a piss off

00:37:10That'd be great

00:37:13And then I come to find

00:37:14They're just other people's

00:37:15Service dogs

00:37:27They just saw me

00:37:28Stumbling by

00:37:29They're like

00:37:30Hey man

00:37:30You wait here

00:37:32I gotta help this guy

00:37:41Hey

00:37:43Hey slow down

00:37:44I got your mail

00:37:54You guys get it?

00:38:05Makes me feel happy

00:38:06That you're doing

00:38:07You're doing the work

00:38:08You're doing the work

00:38:18Sorry this is

00:38:19Bugging the shit

00:38:20I mean

00:38:20Look at this

00:38:30Like where the fuck

00:38:31They think I was going

00:38:41This stage ain't that big

00:38:45There's enough leash here

00:38:46To go outside

00:38:50You guys want to go outside?

00:38:54You want to go outside?

00:38:59Who's a good boy?

00:39:01You go

00:39:02You go outside?

00:39:09The other day I was in my backyard

00:39:11With my kids

00:39:12You know

00:39:13We're just out there

00:39:15Chipping away

00:39:16At that

00:39:1750% time

00:39:28Just got him out there

00:39:29Pulling weeds

00:39:29Or whatever

00:39:34And then a bird

00:39:36Landed on me

00:39:37Scared the shit out of me

00:39:39I'm not gonna lie

00:39:39And here's the deal

00:39:41With that

00:39:42That upsets me

00:39:43Because I pride myself

00:39:44On not being afraid

00:39:46Of bugs or animals

00:39:49But when you see that

00:39:50Out of the corner

00:39:51Of your eye

00:39:52And then you think

00:39:53That it's a bug

00:39:55It's a big fucking bug

00:39:57Man

00:39:59No just a bird

00:40:01Sitting there

00:40:02Its claws came through

00:40:04It felt like a giant ass

00:40:06Global warming

00:40:07June bug

00:40:07Or something

00:40:13It was just looking at me

00:40:15All calm

00:40:15It was so calm

00:40:16I started feeling

00:40:17Like Snow White

00:40:18Like

00:40:25Look children

00:40:26It picked me

00:40:29I'm the pretty one

00:40:31Yes

00:40:35Yeah

00:40:35And then it ate

00:40:37Something out of my beard

00:40:38And flew away

00:40:47Feed your family

00:40:53It's a symbiotic relationship

00:40:57It gets food

00:40:58And I get clean

00:41:02All right

00:41:03Not too many science buffs

00:41:04Out there

00:41:09You know

00:41:10People often ask me

00:41:11If my show

00:41:12Is family friendly

00:41:14And I'm like

00:41:15Well

00:41:16It depends on

00:41:17Your fucking family

00:41:21I'm gonna let you decide

00:41:24I don't know about you folks

00:41:26But I like my kids

00:41:27Learning from professionals

00:41:33Oh

00:41:34Thanks for the whistle

00:41:37I'm gonna store that in my heart for sure

00:41:44I do travel a lot

00:41:47The other day

00:41:48I had to go to Cleveland

00:41:49And

00:41:53Well the night before

00:41:54I went out to dinner

00:41:56With my lady

00:41:57We went to a pretty fancy place

00:42:00Dressed up nice

00:42:01And we were having fun

00:42:03A little drinking

00:42:05Laughing

00:42:05Eating

00:42:06And I was feeling good

00:42:09My timing was on

00:42:12So then across the way

00:42:13There was this old couple

00:42:15They looked real nice

00:42:16They dressed

00:42:17But they just look like

00:42:19They're having the most boring

00:42:23Conversation you could possibly have

00:42:24So I looked at my lady

00:42:26I was like

00:42:27Hey babe

00:42:28I hope when we're old

00:42:29We're not like that

00:42:32You know

00:42:33Still together

00:42:49She laughed

00:42:50She laughed

00:42:51Thank goodness

00:42:52That's a scary joke right there

00:42:55Taking some risks

00:43:00So then that night

00:43:02Before I flew to Cleveland early

00:43:05Well in bed

00:43:07She held me the entire night

00:43:10So then

00:43:11In the morning

00:43:13When my alarm went off

00:43:15I rolled over

00:43:16I was like

00:43:17Hey babe

00:43:17You know

00:43:19When I come back

00:43:19I'm gonna do the same thing for you

00:43:22And then

00:43:23We're gonna see how you fucking like that

00:43:29I'm hot

00:43:30I'm hot

00:43:32I'm very hot

00:43:34I'm hot

00:43:35I'm hot

00:43:35Please I'm hot

00:43:38I love you but I'm hot

00:43:40I'm very

00:43:41Very very hot

00:43:42Please I'm hot

00:43:44I'm hot

00:43:47Like I will let you put a toe on my calf

00:43:53But besides that

00:43:55I'm hot

00:43:56I'm just very very hot

00:44:05And the thing is

00:44:06We have a big old California king size bed

00:44:09This is a huge bed

00:44:11And the other night

00:44:12She came all the way over

00:44:14And pushed me in the ocean

00:44:21The other night

00:44:22The other night I got up

00:44:22And I walked all the way around

00:44:25To the Nevada side

00:44:32Cause I'm hot

00:44:33I'm hot

00:44:34I'm hot

00:44:36Hot

00:44:39Hot

00:44:40Hot

00:44:42Damn it

00:44:45You guys ever feel like you're having a heart attack

00:44:49And then you burp and you're like

00:44:51Oh okay

00:44:52I thought I was dying man

00:44:58I almost called an ambulance

00:45:03That's an expensive ass burp right there

00:45:07You burp in the ambulance

00:45:08You're like

00:45:08Oh I'm just gonna get out right here

00:45:10I'm fine

00:45:11I'm fine

00:45:12I'm fine

00:45:13No I'm fine

00:45:14I don't

00:45:15No I don't mind the walk

00:45:16That's fine

00:45:17I'm feeling

00:45:18I'm feeling rejuvenated

00:45:19Okay

00:45:21Sorry

00:45:21Sorry about that

00:45:22No I'm good

00:45:25I'm fine

00:45:27Well that leads me to my next question

00:45:30Why do we stop burping people?

00:45:37It's so weird

00:45:38Like think about a baby

00:45:39One of its main needs is to be burped

00:45:42It cries

00:45:43It's in pain

00:45:43You pop it on the back a couple times

00:45:46All better

00:45:48Why do we cut that off at two?

00:45:53All I'm saying is

00:45:54I'm pretty sure

00:45:55We could fix this country's acid reflux problem

00:46:00You just gotta burp your buddy

00:46:03Every now and again

00:46:06Aren't you sick of taking all these antacid tablets

00:46:09To just stay alive?

00:46:12I'm telling you man

00:46:13We're gonna shut down Big Pharma

00:46:18It's my Burp America campaign

00:46:24Hustle brother up

00:46:31And this shit really works

00:46:32I mean

00:46:33I'm not

00:46:33Selling you

00:46:35No fish oil here

00:46:41Is it snake oil?

00:46:48Sorry guys

00:46:48Sometimes you get my animal oils mixed up

00:46:53I gotta take more fish oil to remember it

00:46:56Snake oil

00:47:00Alright

00:47:01Not too many homeopaths out there

00:47:06Oh there's one

00:47:12I'm telling you

00:47:13I had some horrible acid reflux

00:47:15And then one day

00:47:16I realized that my kids

00:47:18Are now big enough to burp me

00:47:21They pay back some bitch

00:47:25Why don't you go get

00:47:26Daddy's burping beach towel

00:47:38Let's move some chili around

00:47:40I just feel like Amazon has made it too easy

00:47:52To order stuff online

00:47:55Yeah the other day

00:47:56I came home

00:47:56And there was a box on my porch

00:47:58And then

00:48:00He's all excited

00:48:06Like what did you do?

00:48:12Just open it up

00:48:14It's

00:48:14One bedazzled glove

00:48:24And I'm not putting that on you dude

00:48:27You gotta play dress up on your own time

00:48:32Maybe give your clubfoot buddy a call

00:48:39And we all know he wouldn't be much help

00:48:43No grabbers

00:48:52Again the alarm in my head was like

00:48:54Don't say no grabbers

00:48:58I should have listened

00:49:03Did you just snort?

00:49:12Don't be embarrassed

00:49:13That's a sign of success

00:49:14In my business

00:49:20I tally my snorts

00:49:24Just another diagonal line to the fore

00:49:28My question is

00:49:30Where do you even buy one glove?

00:49:33I mean now that Michael Jackson's gone

00:49:38There really can't be much of a market for that

00:49:43In fact I'm pretty sure

00:49:44He single handedly held that market up

00:49:57Alright sometimes I gotta throw some low hanger fruit out there

00:50:02Try to get the group back together

00:50:06You guys bunch up again

00:50:08There is a company that sells one of things

00:50:13It's intended for amputees

00:50:17It's called share a pair

00:50:26Yeah they got all kinds of shit on there

00:50:29It's pretty cool

00:50:30Their idea is like if you're missing your size 10 right foot

00:50:35And you're missing your size 10 left foot

00:50:38Fuck it, share a pair

00:50:42It's pretty cool

00:50:43It's ecological and economical

00:50:45And the products are cool

00:50:47They got gloves and shoes and earrings

00:50:57See earrings is one of those ones where I want you guys to do a little bit of a

00:51:06Like once you go in your head like

00:51:07Why are they missing a year?

00:51:09You know

00:51:10Was it a bad fishing trip?

00:51:14Or like a relatively good combine accident?

00:51:25You see that's why I wanted you to do it

00:51:28When I do it I get rough with it

00:51:32You gotta admit that's a pretty good combine accident

00:51:35If all you lost was one ear

00:51:38You're doing good

00:51:41I've been doing comedy pretty much my whole adult life

00:51:45I did have one day job out of college

00:51:48I worked for six months at a day program

00:51:51Which is basically a daycare for adults with severe mental and physical disabilities

00:51:59And you know I really have had so much help in my life

00:52:04So my thought was like let me go back in the world and give some of that back

00:52:08And I worked there for six months

00:52:12And that is because I couldn't take anymore

00:52:22And now let's just be clear about the situation

00:52:25It had nothing to do with the people that came in for the services

00:52:29The problem is every morning they would come into the facility on the short bus

00:52:37And I gotta tell you

00:52:39There was nothing that I could do

00:52:42To convince the driver that I worked there

00:52:55I go alright man thanks I got it from here

00:52:59Okay buddy

00:53:04Who's a good helper

00:53:06Who's a good helper

00:53:07You're a good helper

00:53:09Why don't you go inside

00:53:11Go get a person

00:53:12Person

00:53:16Like I'll break your fucking wrist sir

00:53:21All my new co-workers just looking out the window laughing their ass

00:53:27Send them on again

00:53:28Send them on again

00:53:34Six months of that shit

00:53:37I snapped one morning

00:53:38I just I picked up a helmet

00:53:40And I put it on

00:53:41And I got on the dude's bus

00:53:43I was like

00:53:49Take me home motherfucker

00:53:52I'm done here motherfucker

00:53:53I'm done

00:53:57And now I do comedy

00:54:01Career move

00:54:07This has been really weird for me

00:54:09I have a buddy that I've known my entire life

00:54:11Maybe she went to preschool together

00:54:13And I'll just tell you this up front about the guy

00:54:17He is

00:54:20He's able body

00:54:22And like you know

00:54:24I'm fine with that

00:54:28I'm cool

00:54:28I mean it's cool

00:54:29I'm just

00:54:31You know early on

00:54:32I took him under my wing

00:54:40Showing the ways of the world

00:54:41And you know

00:54:46Well here's the thing

00:54:47Is that

00:54:49Right before the pandemic

00:54:50He got married

00:54:51And that was really exciting

00:54:53I got to be the best man

00:54:55And then

00:54:56He and his wife

00:54:58They then had their first baby

00:55:01Again

00:55:01Very exciting

00:55:05But then more recently

00:55:07Their son

00:55:09Was diagnosed

00:55:11With cerebral palsy

00:55:14So it's

00:55:15It's just like

00:55:16Interesting and weird

00:55:18Because

00:55:18This guy that I've known my whole life

00:55:21Is now coming to me

00:55:23Asking me all these

00:55:25Questions

00:55:26And I'm like

00:55:28No

00:55:30I didn't sleep with your wife

00:55:48Yeah we just fucked around

00:55:54But if he's got hair like this

00:55:58Get him checked

00:56:06It's just uh

00:56:09I'm sorry

00:56:10I just joke in my head

00:56:11That I'm like

00:56:12I'm not saying that

00:56:23Alright listen guys

00:56:24You don't have to

00:56:25Twist my arm

00:56:33It's already pretty hooked up

00:56:35Over there

00:56:39Alright well just remember

00:56:41You wanted me to say this

00:56:45So I recently discovered

00:56:47That you don't need

00:56:49The peanut butter

00:56:50For a dog

00:56:52To lick your asshole

00:57:13Thanks Joe

00:57:14Thanks Joe

00:57:16I only bring this up

00:57:20Cause I know

00:57:21Some of you

00:57:22Sick fucks out there

00:57:24Wasting your money

00:57:25On peanut butter

00:57:32Could be saving up

00:57:34For something

00:57:36All I'm saying

00:57:37Is a dog

00:57:38Is gonna do it for free

00:57:45I would like to clarify

00:57:47That is not

00:57:48A field tested joke

00:57:54I just took the elements

00:57:56I was like

00:57:59Checks out

00:58:15Hey do you guys think

00:58:17If I die

00:58:18In a freak accident

00:58:21That the media

00:58:22Will have the nerve

00:58:23To call it that

00:58:35I do

00:58:39Fucking jackals

00:58:44That's a lot of

00:58:45Bang for your buck

00:58:45In that little joke

00:58:46Right there

00:58:48I'll tell you this

00:58:50When I do die

00:58:51I don't want to be

00:58:52Cremated

00:58:54But I do

00:58:55Want my remains

00:58:56To be scattered

00:59:05Yeah just run me

00:59:06Through a wood chip

00:59:07And I

00:59:11He loved this mall

00:59:12They're never gonna

00:59:18Forget him at

00:59:19Build-A-Bear

00:59:27Josh Blue Juicy Bear

00:59:29I will admit

00:59:33That I've been watching

00:59:34A lot of

00:59:34Serial killer documentaries

00:59:38And I think

00:59:39I'm finally ready

00:59:45My research is complete

00:59:48Time to get to getting

00:59:52I figure

00:59:53You know

00:59:54Start in Colorado

00:59:56Seems like a real

00:59:58Starter state

01:00:00A lot of mountains

01:00:01And you know

01:00:03And people that

01:00:05Wouldn't be missed

01:00:09Not you folks

01:00:11Of course

01:00:12Sure you all got a

01:00:14Colorblind racist

01:00:15Neighbors

01:00:20You guys remember

01:00:23From earlier

01:00:29Just checking

01:00:33Yeah

01:00:34Me as a serial killer

01:00:37The night stumbler

01:00:46I'm pretty sure

01:00:47Forensics have caught up

01:00:48To my skill level

01:00:52They're gonna catch on

01:00:53Pretty quick

01:00:54Like

01:00:54These strangle marks

01:00:55Are really weird

01:01:02And this guy's

01:01:03Footprints

01:01:03All over the fucking place

01:01:14This was all

01:01:15Before he got

01:01:16To the victim

01:01:23This was all before he got to the victim

01:01:24This was all before he got to the victim

01:01:36They're gonna try and tie his shoe or something

01:01:40Are you guys seeing all these dog tracks?

01:01:55Wait what's that you're saying?

01:01:57Oh the victim is another magician?

01:02:09Oh yeah and by that tan line

01:02:11He looks like he's missing a watch

01:02:21And what do we have here?

01:02:24One

01:02:25But as a glove

01:02:33Hey burn that for me

01:02:36I'm trying to frame a guy

01:02:38On share a pair

01:02:49You get it?

01:02:54Hey did you know that Botox

01:02:56Was originally being invented

01:02:57To help people with cerebral palsy?

01:03:01It's a pretty cool thing man

01:03:04They were developing it

01:03:05They were trying to find a way

01:03:07So that they could inject the muscles

01:03:09So that um

01:03:13Wouldn't fucking do that

01:03:20Well but then

01:03:21Somewhere along the way

01:03:22They discovered

01:03:24That Botox

01:03:25Also makes wrinkles go away

01:03:28And then they were like

01:03:30Well fuck cerebral palsy

01:03:37We could really be helping people

01:03:42God forbid you had a crow foot

01:03:46The guy with the twisty arm

01:03:48Can wait

01:03:52I love that joke man

01:03:56Cause I'm sure you can feel

01:03:57That weird vibe

01:03:58That kind of rolls across the room

01:04:01What that is

01:04:02Is that just all the people

01:04:03With Botox

01:04:04Trying to frown

01:04:19I guess all joking aside

01:04:21What I want to know

01:04:22Is uh

01:04:23Does he look younger?

01:04:30No crow feet on that

01:04:34Alright I gotta tell you

01:04:35This one of the last crazy things

01:04:36That happened to me

01:04:37Uh over the

01:04:38Over the pandemic

01:04:40And uh this

01:04:41Really gets me worked up

01:04:42Man I'm not gonna lie

01:04:44This is uh

01:04:45More

01:04:45More uh

01:04:47It's just more offensive

01:04:49Than the peanut butter thing

01:04:50But

01:04:53But it's in a much different way

01:04:55And it's

01:04:56Some

01:04:56Somehow grosser

01:04:57But

01:05:00Alright I'll just

01:05:02I'll just

01:05:02Just tell you what happened

01:05:04So

01:05:04Over the quarantine

01:05:06I ended up

01:05:07Needing to get

01:05:08A new business manager

01:05:10Which is like

01:05:10A very important role

01:05:12In a career

01:05:13But here's the thing

01:05:15Is that we were

01:05:15Doing the hiring process

01:05:17Over zoom

01:05:19Which to me

01:05:20Is not

01:05:20A way to

01:05:22Communicate with other people

01:05:23It's just not

01:05:24It's still not personal

01:05:25And I'm hiring

01:05:26A very important job

01:05:27Cause I feel like

01:05:28If I get to meet you

01:05:29Face to face

01:05:30Look in the eye

01:05:31Shake your hand

01:05:32I'm a pretty good

01:05:33Judge of character

01:05:34But like on zoom

01:05:35I can't even

01:05:36Tell if you got

01:05:37Pants on or not

01:05:41That's always my last

01:05:43Question of the interview

01:05:43I'm like

01:05:44And uh

01:05:45Can you please

01:05:45Stand up

01:05:49Show me what

01:05:50You're working with

01:05:57And if you're

01:05:58In a wheelchair

01:05:58Just scoot in the frame

01:06:04I'm an equal

01:06:05Opportunity employer

01:06:10Wouldn't that be

01:06:11Funny if I wasn't

01:06:16Though

01:06:17Like fuck

01:06:18These blind people

01:06:22Non-seeing

01:06:24Motherfuckers

01:06:28Go ahead and laugh

01:06:29They can't see you

01:06:34Anyway I hired

01:06:36This guy

01:06:36I thought he was

01:06:38The right guy

01:06:38For the job

01:06:39And to tell the truth

01:06:41He was doing great

01:06:42Numbers look good

01:06:44Operations running smooth

01:06:47So then

01:06:48Remember when the

01:06:49Pandemic finally

01:06:49Broke enough

01:06:50That we could start

01:06:51Going out to

01:06:52Restaurants

01:06:53I was like

01:06:54Alright let me

01:06:54Take this guy

01:06:55Out to lunch

01:06:56And meet him

01:06:57In person

01:06:59Now at lunch

01:07:01He orders

01:07:02A sub sandwich

01:07:05And you know

01:07:06When you get your sub

01:07:07There's the cut end

01:07:09And then there's

01:07:11The heel end

01:07:14He fucking ate it

01:07:15From the heel end

01:07:17I had never seen

01:07:45No shit like that

01:07:48I fired him

01:07:48On the spot

01:07:51I was like

01:07:51We are done here

01:07:52You psycho

01:07:55You're changing

01:07:56Passwords

01:07:58Seriously

01:07:59How about

01:08:00The show of hands

01:08:00Right now

01:08:01You ever seen

01:08:02Anybody do that

01:08:03No

01:08:04Cause it's not

01:08:04A fucking thing

01:08:05That you do

01:08:09Oh yeah

01:08:10Now you want to

01:08:11Be a member

01:08:11Of our society

01:08:12Get the fuck

01:08:13Out of here

01:08:16A chinchilla

01:08:17Knows better than that

01:08:23Look I know

01:08:24That our country

01:08:24Is very politically

01:08:25Divided right now

01:08:27But I am all

01:08:28Pretty sure

01:08:29We can

01:08:30Come together

01:08:31On this

01:08:33And don't

01:08:34Eat the heel end

01:08:36And then

01:08:37Burp your body

01:08:45Oh you know

01:08:46Who does eat it

01:08:47From the heel end

01:08:48Fucking magicians

01:08:52You guys are awesome

01:08:53Thank you so much

01:09:15You think that I'm just

01:09:27Where do you write

01:09:28Your material

01:09:29This is it bud

01:09:33I really write

01:09:34I mean I don't ever

01:09:35Write anything down

01:09:36I'm really serious

01:09:37I don't

01:09:38I always said this

01:09:40If I ever put like

01:09:41A little bit

01:09:43Of effort

01:09:43Into this

01:09:46I could be

01:09:47Really fucking good

01:09:55I just don't care

01:09:59Yeah one left

01:10:00Make it good

01:10:01I don't care

01:10:32Do you know any magic tricks?

01:10:45You know it's okay for a cripple to beat up a woman, right?

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