- 8 hours ago
Scrubs - Season 1 (2026) - Episode 09: My Celebration
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01One thing that hasn't changed in teaching hospitals,
00:04burnout still comes for all the interns.
00:06I'm sorry you incurred a small scar during surgery,
00:09but I'd like to remind you you're alive.
00:11You're welcome.
00:11Dr. Green, happy Friday.
00:13Have you got any plans for the weekend?
00:14I do, but you know who doesn't?
00:16Your patient in 402.
00:17She's very dead.
00:18Sign here.
00:21You're a dream.
00:22So I have to choose between rectal pain, constipation,
00:25and a penis?
00:26And I haven't seen the top half of a person in weeks.
00:28It's one of the worst things about this job.
00:30Unless you're Winston.
00:33He's definitely going into proctology.
00:35Yeah.
00:36Hey, guys, gather round.
00:38Time to pick them all up.
00:40Look, y'all, this job is very hard,
00:42but just remember, difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.
00:47Did you get that from a greeting card?
00:48No, Deshaunna.
00:49I got it from those little lady chocolates
00:51with inspirational messages on the wrapper.
00:53Fire off another gem.
00:54Guys, be the woman you know is inside of you.
00:59Think about it.
01:03Wow, you have shockingly smooth hands.
01:06Oh, I wish I could say I was born with these,
01:08but it's most likely my moisturizing gloves.
01:10You want them?
01:11You know what?
01:12Just, you take them.
01:13Save me from myself.
01:14You're welcome.
01:18Dude!
01:19What in the actual heck?
01:21That girl was smoking.
01:22She was speaking to you.
01:23I didn't even notice.
01:25What's wrong with me?
01:25It's the lady candies.
01:27Boy, they're messing with your testosterone.
01:28They make me feel fierce and independent.
01:30Give me that.
01:31Now, you listen to me.
01:32I love you.
01:32But I can't get any more 3AM texts about how lonely you are.
01:36I'm a U fan and a Bulls fan.
01:38You're both in slumps, and I need one of y'all to win.
01:40Hank, you're shoplifting.
01:41I am not!
01:42Yes!
01:45Blowing my chance with the girl of my dreams put me in a funk.
01:48But maintenance guy and I had a great ritual when no one was around.
01:52Be strong.
01:53You be strong.
01:55We got this.
01:58Where the hell have you been?
02:00Good morning, Jordan.
02:01Ever since Cox got diagnosed, Jordan has been all over me.
02:05You know you can't keep us waiting.
02:06For God's sake, Jordan's scales almost dried out.
02:09I'll allow that because you're sick.
02:11It's his mom's fault.
02:13She was genetically weak, too.
02:15I have Viking blood.
02:16Oh, that must be nice for pillaging and whatnot.
02:18So, come on.
02:19Be useful.
02:20How's he doing?
02:21Save your breath.
02:22I'm super.
02:23We're done.
02:24Ah, Perry.
02:25You know very well that I have to get some blood work on you and check your sed rate and
02:29CRP.
02:30I also need to do a quick physical exam.
02:32Oh.
02:33Do what I do.
02:34When you touch him, picture Jamie, my personal trainer.
02:37It makes it way more tolerable.
02:39Take your clothes off.
02:41And I'd like to see that picture of Jamie.
02:45You okay, Ash?
02:46Uh, I lost a patient.
02:48I'm sorry.
02:49And Amara put me into the zone of friends.
02:51The friend zone.
02:52Asher, my boy, I've been there.
02:54It'll turn around.
02:55Knowing Asher got kicked in his emotional testicles made me happy I wasn't an intern.
02:59I'm so glad all my old problems are behind me.
03:02Good day, sir.
03:04Janitor?
03:05Miss me?
03:06In a suit.
03:07It's janitor by janitor.
03:11Skadunko.
03:12I can't do this all on my own.
03:15Though I know I'm no Superman.
03:22I'm no Superman.
03:25Wow.
03:2630 years.
03:27It's actually only been 17.
03:28Well, then you have aged rather poorly.
03:30Why are you here?
03:31You know what?
03:32Doesn't matter.
03:33I'm the chief of medicine now.
03:34You have no power over me.
03:35Oh, but I do.
03:37See, you're not the only chief around here.
03:39You happen to be looking at the chief custodian of the Joint Commission.
03:42You're on the Joint Commission.
03:44So you heard of us.
03:45I'm going to inspect the whole place.
03:48I'll be in your office.
03:49I change the locks.
03:51I change them back.
03:54Mr. Jensen was at his daughter's rehearsal dinner.
03:57What?
03:58Not finished when he puked and passed out.
04:00And I take back my off.
04:01He's gonna be okay, right?
04:02The wedding's tomorrow.
04:04Sweet girl, I wouldn't miss that wedding for anything.
04:06My dad missed my wedding because his college swim team had a reunion.
04:10Had to get my most masculine aunt to walk me down the aisle.
04:13I know an ayahuasca shaman who could maybe make a dent in some of that trauma.
04:18Yesterday, I heard my shrink mumble, Jesus.
04:20So, yeah, I should probably try that.
04:22Yeah.
04:24Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
04:26That's J.D.'s girl.
04:27That's J.D.'s girl.
04:29So, you gonna wingman for your boy?
04:31Hold up.
04:31You want me to holla at another woman?
04:33That sounds like a trap.
04:34It's not a trap.
04:35Look, J.D.'s at her house way too much.
04:38It's like a fifth daughter.
04:39You know what?
04:40You're absolutely right, baby.
04:41And if you want me to dust off my little player's handbook and charm this woman into sleeping
04:45with me, I'ma do that.
04:47For us.
04:49That is not what I said.
04:52Hey, Ma.
04:55I'ma keep it real with you, Shorty.
04:57You fine.
04:58And I saw you trying to get chocolate at the gift shop and I was like, damn, she got it
05:03like that?
05:04And she like chocolate?
05:06How about you hook a brother up and drop those digits into my sidekick?
05:10What's good?
05:10You're really gonna come at me with that?
05:13That tired early 2000s?
05:16Hey, Ma.
05:17Shorty this, shorty that.
05:18Nonsense?
05:19I was just-
05:19Let me guess.
05:20You had a lame ass flat top.
05:22My flat top was awesome.
05:24Bet you can't grow one now.
05:30I lost all my game, baby.
05:31It's like my flavor expired.
05:32I know.
05:33It's adorable.
05:36It was her.
05:37I knew what I had to do.
05:38Although I am a bit rusty.
05:40Wait.
05:41Turk taught me what to say.
05:43Hey, Shorty.
05:44You fine.
05:45Let me holla at you.
05:46Is it holla or holla?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49I'm practicing things to say, so hopefully I can meet a new woman again.
05:52Oh, I think I can speak for all women when I say,
05:55maybe try dudes.
05:56Can I help you with something?
05:57Actually, you can.
05:59I don't think Perry respects you as a doctor.
06:01You know he's refusing any of the blood tests you ordered.
06:03Why?
06:04It's just a little prick and it lasts two minutes.
06:06Oh, is that why Elliot left you?
06:08Goodbye.
06:10Hey, Jordan.
06:11Long time no see.
06:12I know, and I'm so grateful.
06:14Will you accept the still mean and hot five?
06:17I will.
06:18Ah, look at that.
06:20Hopeless, overwhelmed by death.
06:22Each one of them with a slouched, defeated posture of intern burnout.
06:26My money's on TikTok, Dr. Snap, first.
06:29Oh my God, what is wrong with you?
06:31You're right.
06:32Fairy Potter's about seconds away from dropping out of Hogwarts.
06:35Look, I almost called it when I was an intern.
06:37Dr. Kelsey used to leave business cards in my locker for strip clubs he thought could use a crying blonde.
06:42So I'm not going to bet against these kids.
06:44I'm going to help them.
06:46Good luck with that.
06:50Look, you guys, I know it's been a really crappy day, but I want to try and get a dad
06:53to his daughter's wedding.
06:54Who's in?
06:54I got a doctor.
06:56Okay, how's this?
06:57You have to help.
06:59You said I'm gonna start.
07:00Tried it.
07:01Not as fun as it sounds.
07:04What is going on?
07:05Do you not respect me as a doctor?
07:07I've been trying to tell you that for 20 years, and you finally get it.
07:11I am so very proud of you.
07:13What the hell, man?
07:14Why didn't you get those tests?
07:16I'm going to let you in on a little something.
07:19If you tap on the wall back there, you will find Kelso's secret stash of porn from the 30s.
07:25Have you ever watched a naughty movie set to old-timey piano music?
07:32Nope.
07:33Quit being a pain in the ass and tell me what is going on.
07:36Fine.
07:37I think the treatment is working and I feel okay right now.
07:40If I go ahead and get these tests and they tell me something different, that all goes away.
07:45Listen to me.
07:46I truly believe that going into these things with a positive headspace makes a complete difference.
07:53You're the one who taught me this, so you need to turn your whole attitude around and go get those
07:59tests.
07:59And you do respect me as a doctor.
08:04Okay.
08:05Okay to everything I said?
08:06The attitude and the test thing.
08:08If I started to respect you, I'd have to go ahead and have them drain all the blood out of
08:12me because dementia will have set in.
08:14This has been a lovely patient-doctor conference.
08:18Out of my office.
08:19It's actually my office, but we'll save that fight for another time.
08:21Get out!
08:25Oh, boy.
08:26It's 2000s, Guy.
08:27I'm sorry.
08:27I know my husband came off a little creepy earlier.
08:30He tried to pick me up.
08:31Yeah, if I was trying to pick you up, you would have got picked.
08:33Calm down.
08:33Okay.
08:35Look, we think you're so lovely.
08:37Let me stop you, okay?
08:39No judgment on your lifestyle.
08:41But I'm pretty traditional.
08:43I'm really just looking for a nice, sensitive guy who would rather watch a musical than a football game.
08:48Oh, my God.
08:49You're perfect.
08:50You are.
08:51Can't you just please come upstairs with us?
08:52It'll only take a couple of minutes.
08:54I'm gonna walk away.
08:55And if you follow me, I'm gonna yell, stranger danger.
08:58And I'm short enough where people think I'm a child all the time.
09:02Looks like we're gonna have to find another hot lady to have sex with us.
09:06Are you out of your damn mind?
09:08Okay, team.
09:09What's our goal?
09:09To get Mr. Jensen to the wedding.
09:11Woo!
09:11Oh, can I get some woos from the rest of you?
09:14D-Train does the woos for the group.
09:16Woo!
09:16Fine.
09:16He has a possible bowel obstruction.
09:18What do we need to do?
09:19Get him to mobilize his intestines on his own.
09:21Correct.
09:21And when will we know if that happens?
09:23When he, as you all say, passes gas.
09:26Everything comes down to poo.
09:27And toots, Blake, Tosh, get him on neostigmine.
09:29Asher, get a stat CT.
09:31Amara, Deshauna, drop an NG tube.
09:33We have got this.
09:34Woo!
09:39Aw, feeling left out.
09:40You shouldn't have established yourself as the mean one.
09:42Now you don't get to kiki in the group chat.
09:44Yeah, I think you're the biggest bitch in the building.
09:47Sweetie, I may be bitchy, but I love those children.
09:49Watch this.
09:50Tosh, your hair is trash today.
09:52Go fix yourself in the mirror, honey.
09:53You look like you've spent the night on all fours.
09:55Okay, vibes.
09:56My wish.
09:57Glock it.
09:58Glock it, baby.
09:59You got all that EQ and you're still too stupid to see your plain old mean.
10:03Now watch me walk.
10:07Don't panic, I found a bomb.
10:09That's a toaster.
10:11I know it's a toaster.
10:12Could I turn it into an exploding toaster?
10:14Yes, have done.
10:15Many a time.
10:15Why?
10:16Mostly to avoid paying debt.
10:18Look, in a hospital with compressed oxygen, this is basically a bomb.
10:23You want to pass your inspection next month, don't you?
10:25Yes.
10:26Okay.
10:27Get rid of all those open containers.
10:30Cutting down on rats by 10% always helps.
10:32You know what?
10:33I don't believe you're on the Joint Commission for one second, so let's give them a ring.
10:36Oh, no.
10:37I'm caught.
10:38Oh, hold that.
10:39I have to take this.
10:42Hello, Joint Commission.
10:43Please listen closely as our menu has changed.
10:46For movie times, press one.
10:47For two, press five.
10:50Hey, don't you walk away from me.
10:52I care about this place.
10:54Blonde doctor.
10:55Bald doctor.
10:57Todd.
10:57Didn't like him.
10:58So we decompressed him.
11:00We gave him meds to stimulate peristalsis.
11:02Now we wait for what?
11:03Tosh.
11:03We wait for him to toot.
11:05Was that good?
11:06It was absolutely horrible.
11:07Oh, Dr. Reed!
11:10So there's no obstruction.
11:14Finally, something I hadn't seen on my intern's faces in a long time.
11:17A little joy.
11:19Wait, what's happening?
11:20What's happening?
11:23Complete heart block.
11:24Set up a transvenous pacing wire.
11:26Dad?
11:26Let's go.
11:26But it never seems to last around you.
11:29Okay, put him in the center.
11:30Come on.
11:32Come on.
11:32Keep it complete.
11:33Walk around.
11:37These test results didn't help.
11:43You know what, Oty?
11:45You were right.
11:46I dialed in the positive thinking...
11:48got off my ass, even found the energy to go kick in the glass of that vending machine when it
11:52would not give me my sun chip.
11:54I'm back, baby.
11:57Go ahead and give me the good news.
11:58Perry, unfortunately, your test results
12:00weren't what we were hoping for.
12:08I'm not sure why.
12:11But the treatment isn't working.
12:16I'll be damned.
12:22Morning.
12:23You get your test results back?
12:26Not yet.
12:27Why not?
12:27It's been a day.
12:30What's happening here?
12:32I was making breakfast.
12:33Jesus, Perry.
12:35A little cream, please.
12:39Here's the dog.
12:40Wow.
12:41I wasn't really awake yet,
12:43so I had no idea what Dr. Cox meant
12:45when he texted me,
12:46tell her nothing.
12:48Good morning, sunshine.
12:50Now I get it.
12:51I knew I wouldn't be interrupting you
12:53with a sexually satisfied woman of any kind,
12:56so I jimmied your door open.
12:57And now I gotta hire a man
12:59who knows how to use tools to fix that.
13:00If you're the chief of medicine,
13:01how come you haven't gotten Perry's test results back?
13:04Lie, but make it believable.
13:05I'm afraid of confronting people.
13:07Too real.
13:08You should change your pronouns.
13:10Why don't you grow a pair?
13:11Get dressed, you gotta drive me home.
13:12I know I Ubered here
13:13because I'm so a little buzzy
13:15from my morning coffee.
13:17The stress that the bowel obstruction
13:19put on your body
13:20uncovered a heart condition
13:22that luckily is very treatable.
13:25That's the good news.
13:27Dr. Turk?
13:29You really gonna make me do the bad news?
13:31Just shut up and do it, Turk.
13:34I know it's your daughter's wedding day,
13:36but that pacemaker needs to go in today.
13:39I want you to go ahead with your wedding.
13:41No, we'll postpone.
13:43We'll give you two a minute.
13:47You guys did a great job treating Mr. Jensen,
13:49so I want a woo.
13:51I'm not feeling it.
13:52Do you, Frank? Come on.
13:54Woo.
13:55Yeah, totally not worth it.
13:57Sometimes I hate this place.
14:00Sometimes I do, too.
14:02Sorry you guys couldn't get your patient
14:03to the wedding.
14:04And?
14:05And nothing.
14:06I'm being nice.
14:07Wait a second.
14:08Why can't we just have the wedding here?
14:10I'm not taking them to the OR for a few hours.
14:12Have the wedding in this hospital?
14:14That's disgusting.
14:15We got married in this hospital, Kevin.
14:17Oh.
14:17Well, then it's beautiful.
14:19If you guys need any help,
14:20just let me know.
14:23You know what?
14:24If this is what being nice is like,
14:25then I'm going back to being a bitch.
14:30Hey.
14:31Why doesn't Jordan know about your test results?
14:34Same reason I watched the Michael Jordan documentary
14:36eight minutes at a time on the toilet.
14:39So she never sees me tear up.
14:41Turk did the exact same thing,
14:43but I could hear him whimpering.
14:44I need to be strong and invulnerable for her,
14:47and you should understand that.
14:48It's the same thing you always wanted me to be for you,
14:52and while I resent you for it,
14:53I don't mind when she does it,
14:56because on occasion,
14:59she lets me have sex with her.
15:02Do you know what's better than sex?
15:05Emotional intimacy.
15:06Would you like to say that again out loud?
15:08No, I don't like the way it came out.
15:09So look it.
15:10Next time you see us,
15:11just go ahead and act like you're saying this
15:14for the first time,
15:15and I'll be prepared to be strong.
15:17I will not lie.
15:20But I will perform.
15:23While I ruminated about getting into character,
15:25I took solace in the fact
15:27that the interns had finally gotten a win.
15:29And by the power vested in me
15:32by a very progressive online church,
15:34I now pronounce you husband and wife.
15:36You may kiss your bride.
15:40It's easy to get used to the feeling
15:42that the hospital is a place
15:43where only bad things happen.
15:45So if you can make something beautiful happen there,
15:50wow, it really makes a difference.
15:52Good job.
15:54Elliot had shown them
15:55how to find light in the darkness.
16:02As fun as this was,
16:03it was time to perform.
16:06The numbers aren't what we hoped for.
16:07I'm sorry.
16:12Now, Jordan, honey,
16:13I can always tell
16:14when you're getting emotional,
16:16and don't.
16:17I'm all good.
16:18Even as a patient,
16:20you teach me
16:21how to be a better doctor.
16:23Nailed it.
16:23You are welcome.
16:25The fight starts today.
16:27Here we go, Jordan.
16:27Wait.
16:29My BS detector
16:30is beeping louder
16:31than when you say
16:32you like to hear my dreams.
16:33He's mean to me in my dreams.
16:35Same.
16:35So you guys knew about this
16:36the whole time?
16:37Twelve summers at theater camp,
16:39and that's the best you can do?
16:40I mostly did costumes.
16:42What the hell, Perry?
16:43I'm sorry.
16:44I just...
16:46I love the way you see me,
16:48and I didn't want to lose that.
16:49If it helps,
16:50I've always seen you
16:52as a whiny baby man.
16:54Yeah.
16:54Why don't you let me
16:56be the strong one for once?
16:58Okay.
17:01If you stare at us any longer,
17:03we're gonna have to start
17:04charging you.
17:05I just want what you guys have.
17:07It'll never happen.
17:08You don't have the pain threshold.
17:10Mm-mm.
17:11Doesn't matter.
17:13Nothing can kill my mood.
17:14Oh, hey.
17:15This is a different toaster
17:18that I got for you
17:19as a gift.
17:22Don't plug it in here.
17:23Wait till you get home.
17:24No, thank you.
17:25Well, I'll just put it
17:26under your car.
17:27Run away.
17:28Any room.
17:28I have a patient to see.
17:34Hello.
17:36Hello.
17:37Hi.
17:38It's you.
17:38Hi, I'm, uh...
17:40I'm Charlie.
17:40J.D.
17:41Very nice to meet you.
17:42Nice to meet you.
17:42Officially.
17:44Uh, oh, right.
17:46Grandma, remember the cute guy
17:47I told you about
17:48that stole my lady candy?
17:49Okay, time to challah at her.
17:51Hey, if you're a free leader,
17:53how do you feel about
17:54maybe being my plus one
17:55to a complete stranger's
17:57wedding reception?
18:06I think I'm starting to remember
18:08what fun is.
18:09She's the second from the right.
18:11I'd love to be her bad decision
18:12for the evening.
18:13Oh, it's the second from the right
18:14that's been eyeing me
18:15since the ceremony.
18:16No.
18:18Take notes.
18:21She just took your girl.
18:23Come on, let's dance.
18:26Two pints of the pennies
18:27pale ale, please.
18:29How about you?
18:29Do you want to dance?
18:30I don't really dance.
18:32Cool.
18:38What?
18:39Blaming that on the alcohol.
18:41Our drinks haven't arrived.
18:42Shagiri.
18:43Shagiri.
18:43Okay.
18:45I really like you.
18:46I have since day one.
18:48I just think you're really sweet
18:50and funny,
18:50and I think you deserve someone
18:51who also thinks that,
18:52and that's this lady.
19:03Photo booth?
19:04Photo booth.
19:08Oh, just a heads up,
19:10my ex is here,
19:10but we're super close.
19:12It won't be awkward.
19:13Wow.
19:13She's beautiful.
19:14Yeah.
19:15What was she like in bed?
19:17Seriously?
19:17It was a joke.
19:19Oh, my God.
19:20You are wound so tight.
19:22I'm getting you a drink.
19:23What do you want?
19:24Don't say appletini.
19:25A man beer, please.
19:30That was smooth.
19:31You want me to sneak you an appletini?
19:33I was just about to text you.
19:34A little alcohol really does loosen some people up.
19:40Turk needs to go to his gym.
19:43That's the thing about our world.
19:45No matter how hard it gets,
19:47we're here for each other.
19:48We pick each other up,
19:50cry with each other.
19:53We even make some bad decisions.
19:56Even though I was only pretending to like
19:58what tasted like the urine of a large bear,
20:00my smile was real.
20:05And, of course,
20:06if someone in the family is struggling,
20:08we're there.
20:09I have to go check on a patient.
20:10It's kind of important.
20:12Can I call you later?
20:13Oh, you think I'm going to be turned on
20:15because you have to go save a life?
20:18Well, you're right.
20:23Call me later.
20:24I will call you later.
20:25Don't meet anyone.
20:29Dr. Cox had asked me to come back to Sacred Heart
20:31and make a difference.
20:33And I don't know yet if I have.
20:35But as I look back at my students
20:38and my friends,
20:41I felt such gratitude
20:42for the difference this job had made in me.
20:46And now it was time to show up
20:48for the man who could finally admit
20:50he needed me.
20:53Sorry, that wasn't for you.
20:59Too late.
21:08So you were just going to leave
21:10without saying goodbye?
21:11I was hoping to.
21:12I left a list of things that need fixing
21:14with this young man.
21:16I would like you to meet
21:17my son.
21:18Hey, Dr. D.
21:20Maintenance guy is the janitor's son?
21:22Nice.
21:23This guy loves me.
21:24That's so great that your dad
21:25was able to get you a job here.
21:26Excuse me?
21:28Are you calling my boy
21:30a nepo baby?
21:31Daddy, did he just say
21:33I'm a nepo janitor?
21:35Ruh-roh.
21:35Yes, son, he did.
21:36I told you the world
21:37is a cruel place.
21:39You don't think
21:40I can get my own job?
21:42Oh, you're going to pay for this.
21:44There you go.
21:45Order restored.
21:48I thought we got this.
21:49We don't got this.
21:53I'll freeze the time.
22:01Bye-bye
Comments