- 14 minutes ago
7 Days (NZ) Season 18 Episode 1
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hellbent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team 1 was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthews.
00:45Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team 1 this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Lenson, Rhys, Ben!
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team 2, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Die Henwood!
01:10Thank you very much.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team 2 tonight, we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt, but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abby Howells and Justine Smith.
01:28All righty.
01:29Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team 1, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f***.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:45Oh.
01:46Oh, this is just a regular flat meeting about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coat?
01:55Oh, I haven't done it.
01:56I've never done it.
01:57I've never done it.
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling, is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy, because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team 1.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked by a string of controversies, actually.
02:19You had crotch gait in the ski jumping, Team Canada, they're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlete, I don't know if you've seen, that's where they ski and shoot rifles,
02:32which is all good when they do it, but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun, I'm
02:35apparently not a natural.
02:40So, what's crotch gait?
02:42Crotch gait is, so, in the big ski jump where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits, which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:51and keeps them in the air longer and gives them a longer jump.
02:54Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get, the more perfect you are for the long ski jump, I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough, skipping it across the water.
03:27Skipping a stone and then having to...
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the venus.
03:37It annoys me too, because, you know, if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that
03:40day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:44Yeah!
03:45There's this rush drop in the middle of it, it's like, we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics, instead of putting you on ice, do they just leave
03:57you there?
03:59I don't know if you like curling.
04:00If you like curling, curling's a sport for people who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls, but young enough
04:05to survive a slip on the ice.
04:06Yeah, that's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics you watch and think, I could still make that team.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge, because you could sit in a toboggan going down an
04:22icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy!
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, to go, hey man, do you want to lie on top of me and this hoon down the
04:43mountain together?
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes and, you know, just lie on top of me and we'll go real,
04:50like a hydroslide, but really dangerous and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes and just like.
04:57Don't worry if it's hard, I just objected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine.
05:12And I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder and he went, sweet ass, hop on
05:19the chairlift and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard so I knew how to stand on it and I
05:28just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh God.
05:30And he sent me the photo, I'm completely upside down and just before my head smacked into a rock and
05:39then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo was amazing.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you team two, have a look at this clip, tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have, I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56Oh, it does, there's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't there?
06:00It does look like that.
06:01Wait, has he just, I know what he's proud of, he's the guy in the street that puts the bins
06:06out first so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:09Oh, I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:23So what, like the new Wellington like culture or capital?
06:27No, capital, aren't they thinking about, am I right?
06:29I'm not even the team captain, you say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy, so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital stone.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive when it empties?
07:11Turn it into a chemist's warehouse.
07:14Not bad.
07:15You'd have the Panadol on one level and then you'd move up to the stronger drugs.
07:20The top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got to serve the Westford Green up the top.
07:25I think the problem is in government you want good decision making.
07:28And I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Even the decision to go to Hamilton was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but, I mean, Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:16If they move the politicians there, they'll have a bloody field, eh?
08:21Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin, so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold, but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby, the best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Not the highest amount of murders, but the murders we do have are like,
08:42Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1, I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in Existence, 445.
08:54You are watching 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Team 2, you get the number of kakapo in Existence, 237,
09:01after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally until it fledges.
09:08It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory, it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen, munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days for Yes Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician, fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader of the party formerly known as Top,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Q Lay Wong!
09:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:00Q Lay, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas, without saying yes or no.
10:10Got it?
10:10OK. Got it.
10:11OK, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q, I worked on Dancing with the Stars closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars if you can get me on there.
10:25Ooh!
10:27Q Lay, my friend claims to be a bottom, can he still vote for you?
10:32LAUGHTER
10:34We've moved on, we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q, I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes from real good to real bad?
10:48Yeah.
10:49And are you putting politics at the end of that as well?
10:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:53Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show, but I'm okay now.
10:57Um...
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:03I also have a husband breaking the rule, but I, um...
11:07LAUGHTER
11:07I'm just wondering, Q, are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12LAUGHTER
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19Oh, I was just going to say, so your nickname is Q.
11:21Did you shorten it from Qlay
11:23so that Christopher Luxon will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up with all the Chris's, you know?
11:29Yeah, nice.
11:29So they spice it up a bit, a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from the Opportunities Party to just Opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's in such a bad place
11:37you can't promise more than one opportunity?
11:40LAUGHTER
11:40LAUGHTER
11:42LAUGHTER
11:42We've really got one opportunity to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah, and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57I don't know if that's creepy, but I did make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes!
12:01Because we've been looking for someone to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here,
12:06Wong is close personal friends with New Zealand comedian Jack Ansett
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:12I think that's going to help us get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:22LAUGHTER
12:22Yeah!
12:23It needed to be done!
12:24It did need to be done, and our comms team will be very happy with you.
12:28Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some false information on there.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia's like,
12:35Jack Ansett's not crack-up.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38He's all right.
12:39Well, as a centrist party,
12:41you've kind of got a coalition on the table with anyone.
12:44You know, Hipkins, Luxon, Peters, Seymour, Swarbrick, Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game of shoot, shag, shag, shag, man.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:53Shag, shag, shag?
12:55LAUGHTER
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:00And the answer is...
13:02I think we will be sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:06Maybe learning how to, uh, yeah, shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12Wow!
13:14You are getting votes right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills, I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017 you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry, I'm creepy and you're stalking...
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing, Jack.
13:30Did you also have one of the alpacas steal your sandwich?
13:34Do you know what?
13:35I didn't actually do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to, like, the start of that walk.
13:40So it's a bit of a false information...
13:42Oh, no, you're made for politics.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45OK, so say it's late at night
13:48and, uh...
13:50You wake up, you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like, a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like, running towards you with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you...
13:58What are you going to mention?
13:59LAUGHTER
14:01I'm not sure where that question was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question was weird.
14:08I've been sitting on that being, like,
14:10oh, she's going to love the question.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:14Do you know how calm you would have to be to notice that?
14:18I know...
14:19LAUGHTER
14:19Like, if you woke up in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude running at you with a knife...
14:25I can see him.
14:25I don't reckon you look straight at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the...
14:29I'm going the knife, I reckon, not...
14:31Although you're at bed level, so, you know...
14:34Yeah, oh, that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it...
14:35Do not get sucked into this conversation.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39You are now based in Mount Albert, I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:46Nice.
14:47You've done very well.
14:47Give it up for Kool-Aid, all!
14:49Yes, Kool-Aid.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations, team two!
14:53Well done!
14:54Right, time now for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
14:58Brought to us by our brand-new sponsor.
14:59Thank you, Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back the pages of time
15:02and test our team's powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's 30 years, I learnt,
15:06since Burger Fuel first opened their delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back 30 as well.
15:10So the magical year of 1995.
15:13Team one.
15:15You stop me, I never stop,
15:18I never stop, I never stop...
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party, Gobi.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:25And this is the baggage carousel
15:27after getting off Epstein's plane.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30That was, as many of you know,
15:32the launch of Windows 95
15:34with Bill Badboy Gates leading the moves,
15:37just going to show that in 30 years,
15:39white men have not learnt how to dance.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:42Don't worry, team two,
15:43you're going to get a turn next break
15:44and you at home will get a chance later in the show
15:46to win thanks to the bloody legends at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired, need a break.
15:50Stick around, though,
15:51because we've got Slice of Seven when we return on Seven Days.
15:54CHEERING
16:03Ah, you came back!
16:05Great to see your, what I imagine,
16:07are incredibly beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for Slice of Seven,
16:10where real-life musicians take their real-life songs
16:12and ruin them by changing them to be about a news story.
16:15This week we are joined in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been crushing it on American talk shows.
16:20Now they're on my talk show,
16:22back home just to come on Seven Days.
16:24Give it up for the Beths!
16:25CHEERING
16:30Team One, we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to decipher the Beths song
16:34and tell me what they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Yes.
16:36Beths in your own time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money in my wall cavity
16:48200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it to charity
16:56JK, I want a brand new boat
17:00My cash is stashed, guarded by wads
17:04Kept so worn by pink bats
17:07And the cops, they want it
17:12Dread shit and damn
17:14My roof is richer than I am
17:19Damn shit and jeez
17:22If you find cash, don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy bugs
17:27I can't shop
17:28I can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips sealed
17:50What do you reckon?
17:51There was talk of money?
17:53Talk of walls?
17:54Roofs?
17:55Ceilings?
17:55Yes.
17:56Money in the roof.
17:58You take it away, Rhys.
18:01Money in the roof, Jeremy.
18:03I'll need more.
18:04I think it was a Christchurch couple
18:07Found some money in their roof
18:09When they moved in.
18:09Oh, okay, yeah.
18:11As far as I can tell.
18:11We'll go with
18:12My official answer is
18:13What Brinley said.
18:15Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple
18:19Is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20To keep the $200,000 in cash
18:22They found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple
18:25Don't get to keep the money
18:26Because it may have been earned
18:27Through crime.
18:28And to underline that
18:29The police have consistently said
18:31That money isn't yours to spend
18:32Just because it happens to be in your house.
18:35Are you listening to this, honey?
18:46Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:48Yeah, so found $200,000
18:50But the police are saying
18:51Proceeds of crime, can't have it.
18:53Christchurch couple
18:53I think Jack and Brinley
18:55Should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So it was in their
18:58Roof as insulation.
19:00Yes.
19:01Look, I wish my house had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy floss.
19:11It's not candy floss.
19:12It's not candy floss.
19:14And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end.
19:18Oregon.
19:20I mean, yeah, the people that own the money,
19:23they must be in prison,
19:24and they say Seven Days has actually watched quite a lot in prison,
19:28so those people, I'd just like to say,
19:30Ha-shame?
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise that some people get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:39No, I'm sorry.
19:42No, no, no.
19:44Yeah, I did.
19:47And why?
19:49Do you know if they were, like, vacuum-packed into little...
19:52I don't.
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know.
19:54Little piles, like you see on television?
19:55It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum-packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Oh, yeah.
20:01I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed
20:03that aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime scene.
20:07You'd be surprised.
20:14All right, team two, we're coming to you now.
20:16Beth, are you ready for a song?
20:18OK.
20:18Tell me what story the Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:26I thought I would go out flying, but the planes have all been grounded
20:34because the cabin crews are crying, because the cabin crews are crying.
20:38They're good, so the ships are wet.
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags, and they're heading to the exit.
20:48But at least this major airstrike won't involve that day's the first.
20:55Cuz' they're paying.
20:57Cuz' they pay, so low, low.
21:01So low, low.
21:25The safety video
21:29To them again
21:39I was sort of transferred by the music
21:41And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard sickbags
21:45Sickbags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:56Sickbags
22:02I hurt my neck
22:06And on Don't Watch the Safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants
22:12Right, I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh, because they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh, Jeremy
22:18Flight attendants are striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where are you going to
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my God
22:27Serve you more cassava chips
22:31Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants across the nation
22:37Are striking on three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact, the harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet to their deaths
22:52Do you reckon when they walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated to show them the way out
22:57It's a tough job though
22:58I can see it is a tough job
23:00Apparently on one international flight
23:01They deserve over 300 drinks, right?
23:04And that was just to Winston Peters
23:08Well, it'll be good to finally vape on the plane
23:11Without any f***ing narcs
23:18Did you see Jetstar's response to this?
23:21They were
23:21Hmm, we should get flight attendants
23:26New Zealand said they had actually allocated money
23:28To pay the attendants more
23:30But one of the staff members left it
23:31In the ceiling of the house
23:32They were selling in Christchurch
23:34Well, they've been in negotiations for nine months
23:36So they got told that the pay rise was due
23:39And then they were told it was delayed
23:41And then they were told it was diverted to Palmerston North
23:46So they got
23:47Did you know pilots are one of the few professions
23:49Where you wear short sleeves and a tie?
23:52What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Casa
23:56Another one?
23:59There's a few actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:02Oh, no, no
24:03No, you're thinking of a Mormon insurance broker
24:05Yeah, that's right
24:06Well, they did get a pay offer
24:08From Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently the flight attendants said
24:11That it was rubbish
24:11Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants get more money
24:18The Beths
24:19They're back in the country
24:20To a nationwide tour this March
24:22Head to thebeths.com
24:23For all the ticket info
24:24And please listen to the real version
24:25Their excellent new album
24:26Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time for the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team one, you've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount of space launches
24:39Rocket launches allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of a hundred
24:42Set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed more
24:44Good stuff
24:45Team two
24:46You can have the amount
24:46Social media star Logan
24:48Pulled a Pokemon card for
24:49$27.3 million
24:52He bought it five years ago
24:54For $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57Beach space
24:58Team two, you get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:05Alright, you know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel
25:10Brain Grill for you
25:11This is team two this time
25:12What's going on in this story
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well, it was just a walk in the park
25:21Except the park blew up
25:25Oh, this is when you're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain
25:28To your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just walk into the park
25:32And the park blew up
25:37That's, of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island
25:42Back on September 23rd, 1995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:45I was up there with my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite
25:48Into the crater
25:48Oh, boy
25:50Remember, your chance to win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel
25:52Is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now, though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:55When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topakana
25:58See you soon
25:59Oh, Kia ora
26:08Welcome back to Seven Days
26:10Oh, it's raining
26:11And it's windy
26:11Must be summer
26:12What better time to head to the beach
26:13For Club Topakana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26Ah, this year
26:27We've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them
26:28With a better pineapple partner
26:30Psyche
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong
26:35Committed relationship
26:36Now, inside
26:36This spiky, fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite
26:39Stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle
26:41And had me thirsty
26:42For more
26:43So let's dive in
26:44Shall we
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah, yes
26:47The Winter Olympics
26:48Is on right now
26:48As mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:51What if they were closer
26:53What if they were in New Zealand
26:54I'd like to see some scenes
26:55From a Kiwi Olympics
26:57Please
27:00What, so you're supposed to have
27:01A swimming heat
27:01No, every Tuesday
27:03We have half the pool
27:04Booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh, crashing right into
27:14The Michael Hill jeweller
27:15They've taken the gold
27:17They've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24All right, no snow for the bobsled this year
27:26So we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding
27:28This chilli bin lid down
27:29Man-eating
27:37And to beat the Australian
27:38He is going to need
27:40An 8.2 metre splash
27:42On this manu
27:46And taking gold
27:47It is the Avondale Bomb Squad
27:57I'm here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint
28:09From the water to the car park
28:11With one gender leech
28:12And go
28:17And the triathletes
28:19Are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes
28:22On the lime scooters
28:23And they are off
28:31That's 24
28:3325
28:3526 folks
28:36We've reached a new level of cars
28:38Stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god
28:44Look at that
28:45Incredible fireworks display
28:47Over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony
28:49Of the Olympic Games
28:50Oh and what's that
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52To beat the traffic
29:00And as we see the marathon runners
29:03And as we see the marathon runners
29:03Rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd erupts
29:06Into calling them try-hards
29:11I hope you're taking note
29:12New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas in there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break
29:18There were lots of oddball things
29:20Happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the President's place
29:22The White House
29:23It's got me wondering
29:24What goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples
29:29Of things overheard
29:31In the White House
29:36Okay so one more time
29:38President Trump
29:38When the gun goes off
29:40You go
29:40Oh
29:45Hi I'm Keith
29:46I just moved in next door
29:47As a condition of my parole
29:49I have to inform you
29:50That I'm a registered sex offender
29:51Oh same
29:52Phew
30:01Make
30:02Great green card
30:05Look angry
30:07Make movie
30:16Oh God
30:18Here we go
30:21Hey Grok
30:22How to run country
30:25That was my Trump impression
30:27I can't
30:28I can't
30:29I thought you were doing Putin
30:31Anyway
30:31Sorry
30:32Hang on a second
30:35I just got a great text
30:37From my very good friend
30:39Jeremy Corbyn
30:40He's the funniest man
30:43I met him on a beautiful island
30:50Oh it feels like we were there
30:51Doesn't it
30:51Alright
30:52Let's have a look at our next story
30:55Oh Valentine's Day
30:55Yes it was this week
30:56Sorry for bringing it up again
30:57For all those low grade boyfriends
30:59Out there who forgot
31:01Like me
31:02I am bad
31:03But I'm sure they were worse
31:04Give me some examples
31:05Of the worst
31:07Valentine's Day
31:07Please
31:10Oh this is so lovely babe
31:12State night at the zoo
31:13And getting to meet my spirit animal
31:15That's so great
31:16Thank you
31:16Why have we stopped by this big wrinkly old elephant
31:27Hi I'm Jack Ancet
31:30That's me
31:33Good to know
31:34No one in the crowd knows my name
31:42Hey baby
31:43I thought for this Valentine's Day
31:44We could do a little bit of role play
31:46Yeah
31:46Okay cool
31:48Alright I rolled a nat 20
31:50A goblin appears
31:51From behind the room
32:01Oh god I'm still Mrs Corbett
32:10Girl are you Auckland City
32:11Because I reckon it's another year
32:12Before I can give you a light rail
32:19Alright enough romance
32:21Let's move on
32:23Yes it is our first day back at work today
32:25And we're all struggling a bit
32:26To remember how we make this show
32:27I thought I'd throw that on the beach
32:29And ask the comedians
32:30To show me some examples
32:31Of forgetting how to do your job
32:34Hey settle down settle down
32:36No one's here to judge you
32:38Now has the jury reached a verdict
32:46I bless you in the name of the Father
32:48The Son
32:49And the Holy
32:50Holy
32:53The Holy
32:54Holy shit
32:54No
32:56Oh no
32:59Hey
33:04Hey man have a good one
33:12You guys want any change?
33:20Kate want to get this plane landed safely
33:25I love this song
33:38Oh you know that's definitely safe to use Mr Baldwin
33:50Okay so I'm stuck behind a wall
33:53I can't find the door
33:55I eventually find the door
33:56Oh sorry
34:04I certainly hope you remember how to do your job
34:07And enjoy 2026
34:08Far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now
34:11Time to traipse all the sand into our cars
34:13And head home to the desk
34:14Play the steel drums
34:15Great topic
34:27Great game of Club Topicana
34:28For points
34:29Skidding a bit of somber
34:30I'm going to salute the celebrity departed
34:32Team one
34:33You can have the age of Robert Duvall
34:34Star of Apocalypse Now
34:35And The Godfather
34:36When he passed away on Monday
34:3795
34:38And team two
34:39You get the age of Dawson's Creek star
34:40James Van Der Beek
34:41When he passed away last week
34:4248
34:43Which means that team one
34:44Gets a shiny star
34:45For their star chart
34:46Woo
34:49Time for a break now
34:50But glue yourselves to your seats
34:52Because after the break
34:52We're playing a brand new game
34:54Called Jeremy's Special Game
34:56You do not want to miss it
34:57See you soon for seven days
35:06Welcome back one and all to seven days
35:08Time now for a new segment
35:10Very excited about this
35:11It's called Jeremy's Special Game
35:12Where I, Jeremy
35:13Present a new game I've come up with
35:15Which is why I think it's special of course
35:17This week we are playing
35:19Come on, feel the news
35:20Or come on, feel the news
35:22For Slade fans
35:24Here teams must slide their grubby little hands
35:26Into my rigid box
35:27And have a thorough feel of its innards
35:28Insider objects
35:29Hinting toward a news story
35:31Team one
35:32You are the first guinea pigs
35:33Put your hands in the box
35:35Have a feel
35:36Okay
35:37That's good
35:38Put your hands in the box
35:40Have a bit of a feel around
35:43I can put my hand in the box
35:45Oh no
35:46Oh no
35:48Oh no
35:48It's his hand
35:50But it's quite scary
35:51I just felt a virgin
35:53What?
36:02Correct
36:03Not part of the story
36:04Not part of the story
36:05I'll help you out there
36:06What are you getting there, Brinley?
36:07An egg
36:08With a toothpick in it
36:09I haven't touched anything
36:10It's grass
36:11It's grass
36:12That's an egg cup
36:12Egg cup and grass
36:14Grass
36:14Pull it out the hole
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16That's something
36:17Is that a jersey or a jumper?
36:19Jersey
36:19Grass
36:21Rugby
36:21Rugby
36:22Jersey
36:22Grass
36:23A leg
36:24An egg cup
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29It's not egg and spoon racing
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning
36:32Sorry
36:33Oh
36:34Oh
36:35Oh
36:35This is like the guy running towards you with the knife
36:39He's
36:40I think I know
36:41I think I know
36:41It says the umbrella
36:43And the egg cup is Christopher Lux's bald as f*** head
36:47And this is the umbrella man
36:49What?
36:50The umbrella at the rugby
36:51I don't know what the rugby thing is
36:53But it's at the rugby
36:54And Christopher Lux's put the umbrella
36:57Stop over the man with the fluffy
37:00There's a cat
37:01Here
37:01Yeah
37:02A cat
37:02You're right about everything
37:04Except the story
37:08Australia
37:09Correct
37:10That's a big part of it
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Put it this way
37:12Di's getting very excited about the story
37:14It's obviously
37:14None of you are religious
37:16You're literally
37:17Jesus' cloak's in there man
37:19Oh okay
37:20So it's the Warriors
37:21Oh no
37:22It's not
37:24It's not
37:25You're my second Jesus
37:27You need to go back more towards the Australian thing
37:30Sorry
37:30Down to Ed
37:31That was in the egg cup
37:32Okay
37:32Christopher Lux's was at a rugby game in Australia
37:35It was the All Blacks who were playing
37:37And he held an umbrella
37:39Over a man
37:41And that man turned out to be
37:44Jeffrey Epstein
37:47That would be a news story
37:49As you can hear from Di's groans
37:50You are wrong
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon
37:53Gallantly held an umbrella
37:54Over NRL Commissioner
37:56Dr Gary Weiss
37:57As he announced Eden Park
37:58Will host its first ever
38:00State of Origin match
38:01New Zealand government
38:03Reportedly paid
38:04Five million dollars
38:05For the privilege
38:06For that event
38:07When asked where the money came from
38:08Prime Minister said
38:08It's amazing what you can afford
38:10When you feed school kids cat food
38:12So
38:14Alright well Jeremy's special game
38:16Already a bit of a success
38:17I have quietly repositioned
38:19The mystery box to team two
38:21It is your turn now team two
38:23Would you like to put your hands in there
38:24And tell me what story
38:26I have made
38:27Okay
38:28With my objet
38:29No mucking around
38:30This is like uni
38:31Oh right
38:33Oh gee
38:34Hey she's
38:35Okay there's something
38:35Oh sorry
38:36Is this bread
38:37Yeah you're holding something
38:38No that's a baguette
38:39I hate it
38:40Hey that's a
38:41It's a wet baguette
38:42That's
38:44Day old baguette
38:46Made by
38:46I'm just wet
38:47I just got wet
38:48A West Auckland baker
38:50I reckon
38:50What's this
38:51What else you got in there
38:52What's this
38:53Oh what's that
38:54We can't tell you
38:55Oh die take this off me
38:56What is it
38:56Baguette
38:57Water
38:58Oh gee what is that
38:59What is that
39:00This feels like a Sophie Shiv
39:02Might be something that goes in the water
39:04Oh what's this
39:04Do you know what this feels like
39:05There's two of them
39:06Oh this feels like
39:07Hold on I'm twiddling the ends on this one
39:08Me too
39:09You know what I feel like
39:10Oh this is a boat
39:11Yeah it's a boat
39:12Oh well done
39:13It's a boat
39:13A French boat
39:15Oh yes so the French forget
39:16Water
39:17Boats
39:18Crash them together guys
39:19Crash them together
39:20Water boats
39:21And this is a
39:22This is a
39:23Three week old systema
39:27Not relevant
39:28Not relevant to the story
39:30Is it America's Cup or some shit
39:32Does your boat crash in France
39:34Yeah there's
39:35The America's Cup
39:36There's another clue in there
39:37There's more stuff
39:38That you haven't dealt yet
39:39Towards the back of the boat
39:40Towards your side of the boat
39:41I'm just getting
39:42Fingers in wet
39:43There you go
39:44Here die
39:45What's that
39:46That's you
39:47That's me
39:47That's my head
39:48Oh that's Abbie
39:50Not relevant to the story
39:51Oh it's not
39:52Crate paper
39:53No it's tinfoil
39:54Who's familiar with it
39:55A foil
39:55Is that like a yacht foil
39:56Yeah I've interned at Black Power before
39:58This is a tinny
40:03A foil is a thing on a boat
40:05Yeah the foils on the boat
40:07You know
40:07Get up on the foils mate
40:08What are you doing
40:09No because they do
40:10Get up on the foils mate
40:12Okay I'm getting a really
40:13I mean when I'm saying
40:14You've got all the pieces
40:15Put it together
40:16Boat night
40:16Foil
40:17Foil
40:17America's Cup movie
40:18Yeah French
40:20Rainbow Warrior
40:21Did that happen recently?
40:24What you're doing at the moment
40:25Is called doing an anset
40:27La Francais
40:28Remember they don't know my name
40:32Doing a jack
40:33Okay
40:34Hey Jack
40:36When did you get here?
40:40Good to see you bro
40:46Give me a story die
40:48The next America's Cup
40:49Is being held in France
40:50Oh my god
40:53Incorrect
40:53I'll give you the real answer
40:55Drama on the high seas
40:56As you all know
40:56The New Zealand black foils
40:58The name of the boat
40:59Were forced out of the
40:59Auckland sail GP
41:00After a high speed collision
41:02With the French boat
41:03Black foils have had to
41:04Switch to their backup option
41:06Which is Lisa Carrington
41:07In a canoe
41:09All right
41:10Team one
41:11For points
41:12Team one
41:12You can get the height
41:13Supreme Halberg award
41:14Win Hamish Kirk
41:15And jump
41:152.36 metres
41:17Pretty high
41:18Team two
41:19You can have the height
41:20Of two die hemwards
41:21On top of each other
41:223.3 metres
41:23Hamish couldn't jump
41:25Use
41:25Team two wins
41:26And get the star
41:27Well done
41:27There he is
41:28Oh no you're right
41:31Great game of
41:33Feel the news
41:33For the first and last time
41:35You've seen that
41:35Fantastic game
41:36Guess the insides
41:38Of my box
41:39I've got a few other
41:40Special games
41:41I'd like to introduce you
41:42To this season
41:42In 2026
41:43I can't wait
41:44But it's time now
41:45For you at home
41:46To get your brains
41:47Into gear
41:47For your turn
41:48At the burger
41:49Fueled brain grill
41:50What is going on
41:51In this image
41:52It is from 1995
41:5330 years ago
41:55When Burger Fuel
41:55First started
41:56Alright
41:57Hit us up on Instagram
41:58Or Facebook
41:59With your crack up answer
42:00You could be taking home
42:01Dinner thanks to
42:02Burger Fuel
42:02Alright break time now
42:04When we come back
42:05We are going to crown
42:05One of these teams
42:06The inaugural winner
42:07For 2026
42:08With Beat the Ding
42:09See you soon
42:19Oh welcome back
42:21For those of you
42:22Who have just joined us
42:23Where the hell have you been
42:24We're about to play
42:24Our last game
42:25You missed the bloody
42:26Jeremy special
42:26Guess what's in my box
42:28Oh it doesn't matter
42:29I'm going to play
42:30Beat the Ding now
42:31Where I put these comedians
42:32To the test
42:32I make them list answers
42:34Before I go to town
42:35On my dinger
42:37Every successful dingy
42:38Earns their team
42:39A potentially game winning star
42:40Alright
42:41Let's get dinging
42:42Here we go
42:43Former American President
42:45Barack Obama
42:45Said aliens exist
42:47On a podcast this week
42:49I agree
42:49About time
42:50Abi
42:51You've got 13 seconds
42:52To name five American presidents
42:54In an alien voice
42:55Andrew Jackson
42:58George Washington
43:00Beatball
43:03F. Scott Fitzgerald
43:05I mean
43:06I mean
43:07Franklin Roosevelt
43:08And also
43:11Obama
43:12And Ronald Reagan
43:14That'll do
43:14That'll do it
43:16Yeah well done
43:16The star for you
43:17Well done Abi
43:19Some Milo bars
43:21Have been recalled
43:21After concerns
43:22The product may contain
43:23Pieces of rubber
43:24Not good
43:25Rhys
43:2510 seconds to tell me
43:26In order
43:27The definitive ranking
43:28Of the top five chocolate bars
43:30In the world
43:30Go
43:31Oh okay
43:32Number one with a bullet
43:33Snickers
43:34Number two
43:36I'm gonna go
43:37Luxury Flake
43:38Number three
43:39Whitaker's Peanut Slab
43:41Number four
43:42Anything Caramello
43:45And number five
43:47Kit Kat
43:48Well done
43:49Five of them
43:50Star for Ricks
43:51Give them a round of applause
43:52Good works
43:53Alright
43:54These guys are making it look easy
43:55It is not easy
43:56It is however
43:58Chinese New Year
43:58The start of the year of the horse
44:00Die
44:00You have nine seconds
44:01To make up five horse names
44:03Whilst commentating
44:05A horse race
44:06Go
44:06Coming round the corner
44:07You've got Rumpel's foreskin
44:08And you've got
44:09You've got
44:10Hoppaw on the back
44:11With the two ladies
44:12Going fat
44:13And you've got
44:14Round the corner
44:15With the
44:15Fum Fum Bam Bam
44:16And you've got
44:18Sheniqua
44:18Tinsel
44:19And Badang Dang
44:20Badang Dang
44:21Coming on your back
44:25Sheniqua
44:25What sort of
44:26Is it the English
44:27Badang Dang
44:29Sheniqua
44:30Sheniqua
44:31Sheniqua
44:31Tinsel
44:32And Badang Dang
44:33So good
44:34That's the trifecta
44:35I believe
44:35For the Melbourne Cup
44:36That's so good
44:37Well done
44:38Well done
44:38Die stuff
44:40The flamethrower
44:41And the ring burner
44:42Back on the menu
44:42At Burger
44:43If you'll watch out
44:43For the Battle of the Burn
44:44It's coming soon
44:45Brinley
44:45Give you 14 seconds
44:47That's a lot
44:47To name five spicy things
44:49Whilst your mouth
44:50Is burning
44:51Go
44:52Chili
44:54Jalapenos
44:55Fire
44:56The pits of hell
44:57And
45:00STI
45:05The pits of hell
45:06And an STI
45:07Well
45:08All right
45:09Star for you
45:09Well done
45:10Brinley
45:10It is
45:10Kākāpō
45:11Mating season
45:12Jazzy
45:1212 seconds
45:13To give me
45:13Three pick up lines
45:15For Kākāpō
45:16Call the Kākāpō
45:19Lease
45:19Because I'm too hot
45:21I'm small and fat
45:22And green
45:22Love me
45:23I'll rip your
45:24F***ing wind scheme
45:25Rappers off
45:26But you'll love it
45:32And that is why
45:34They're not good
45:34At breeding
45:35I think
45:36It's great
45:37Okay
45:37We're going to give you
45:37That
45:38Well done
45:38Star for Jazzy
45:39A new trend
45:40Has emerged this week
45:41Dark showering
45:43It is
45:43As it sounds
45:44Showering in the dark
45:45Apparently
45:45Helps you
45:46To get to sleep
45:46Jack
45:4715 seconds
45:48To shut your eyes
45:49And take us through
45:50Your shower routine
45:51Please
45:51Go
45:52That is
45:53Personal information
45:55I start with the balls
45:58I lather my whole body
46:01In the wash
46:02And I use
46:03A Lynx branded
46:04One called
46:06Xbox
46:06Lift Your Game
46:07And I get in all the
46:09Nooks and crannies
46:10And then I just stand there
46:11And drip
46:12Because I apparently
46:13Get too much water
46:14On the shower
46:14Matt
46:15So I just sort of
46:19That's good
46:19You're getting yourself
46:20A star
46:20Well done
46:24Alright
46:24That is us
46:24All that's left to do
46:25As award our winner
46:26Let's have a look
46:27At the star chart
46:27Boy oh boy
46:28Taking home the relic
46:29That leaning tower of pizza
46:30Hopefully you're not announcing
46:31They've been cheating
46:32On their partner
46:32At the same time
46:33Team Toe
46:34Well done
46:39Well done to you
46:40For watching
46:41And now please join me
46:42In thanking
46:42Reece, Jack, Brinley
46:44Di, Abby and Jazzy
46:46We'll see you in seven days
46:47On seven days
46:47Good night
47:01Thanks New Zealand on air
47:02Especially for funding my new segment
47:04Jeremy's special game
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06And play Jeremy's other special game
47:09No
47:09No
47:09No
47:10No
47:10No
47:10No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
47:11No
Comments