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Cerdo es el nuevo presidente de Chibchombia.
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00:00The following program is a television product.
00:30From the very beginning of breastfeeding, wasting time, always thinking about the same thing, that's already thirty years wasted.
00:44Time passed, a dream of desire, sports and ready, we spent it, among the Romans, old people and niches, and here
00:56We are here, and we're staying here.
01:04Today we present The Power for what, part one.
01:09At this moment, the President of Congress, Dr. Julio César Batalla Milena, administers the oath of office to the President of Chipchombia.
01:19the constitutional period 1998-2002.
01:25The most excellent Dr. Cerdo.
01:28Do you swear to uphold the constitution and the laws of the Republic?
01:32I swear, if you do so, Mr. President, may God and country reward you, but may he and she
01:41they demand it of you.
01:45Because today, August 7, 1998, at three and one minute in the afternoon, day and time in
01:54which begins my presidential term,
01:57The time has come for the moral and molar healing that this martyred, defiled people needs.
02:10It's incredible that we managed to put Cerdo in power.
02:14We launched him for president to have something to talk about on the show, like so many other clowns were doing.
02:19But we never thought we would get this far.
02:22No, it wasn't us.
02:25Remember that it was that pig-touching movement that brought the inept swine to the presidency.
02:32Because what the Colombian political class has lacked is clarity and truth.
02:39Because I have never hidden my sexual preferences, even less now that I am a public figure.
02:46Because, as you have always known, I like to defy laws that go against nature.
02:53I am a sophile.
02:58But fellow countrymen, first and foremost, I am homosexual.
03:05Friends and enemies, definitely, as my dad used to say, Colombian politics has lost its seriousness.
03:13I know there are irreconcilable political enmities here,
03:18But we must all unite against this miserable inept person.
03:22because an inept person has always come to power in Colombia,
03:26But it's inconceivable that a miserable incompetent would arrive.
03:30And this man, what am I saying, man?
03:33This paraphilic animal, with all that talk about its sexual preferences,
03:40It is rising dangerously in the polls.
03:44And that's very dangerous, friends and enemies.
03:47Notice how our parties lost the governorship of the valley.
03:50Oh, that pig looks just like a charro, so divine.
03:54If it's about me, please stop talking nonsense.
03:58He doesn't realize that we are losing power.
04:02Before that pig arrives, I'd rather you become president, if it's up to me.
04:08Or any of the politicians who are at this table.
04:11Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
04:13And we are very well known.
04:17And very bad.
04:19Therefore, I recommend that you include them all in your political campaigns
04:24Images alluding to the rejection of pork
04:28so that the ignorant masses will vote against that thing.
04:32Don't vote for the pig, vote close.
04:35The end is near.
04:37Horace nearby.
04:38That one will tear down all the fences and it will be agrarian reform.
04:42That's what we, the people, need.
04:44You have to listen to the doctor nearby.
04:47We shouldn't vote for that pig.
04:50Don't be rude, the one who needs to be crossed off is the doctor nearby.
04:54Cross the doctor out, you sucker, the key.
04:56Oh, you're right.
04:57I'm so stupid.
04:58I'm going to spread the word.
05:01Don't vote for pork.
05:02Vote Andrés, you fish meat.
05:05The job with Andrés is.
05:07Vote Andrés Patraña.
05:09Oh my, look how much weight Andrés has gained!
05:12I hope that by voting for him we all get as fat as him.
05:17Don't vote for the crazy woman.
05:19Vote for the crazy one.
05:21For the arepa paisa, yes emina nin.
05:24If I'm not going to vote for the crazy woman, I'll vote for the crazy woman.
05:30And that's how the ignorant masses, by rejecting the pig, ended up electing the presidents.
05:35We'll be right back with the next program.
05:48We're back with the next program.
05:51And starting tomorrow we will announce the measures that will change the history of this damned republic.
05:59But as a preview, I want to inform you who will be part of my cabinet.
06:05Minister of the Interior, Justice, Mines, Culture, Agriculture and the new Ministry of Youth
06:17It will be Dr. Martín Guillermo de Francisco Vaquero.
06:22And the deputy minister of those portfolios will be Dr. Santiago José Mourerazo.
06:29And Dr. Santiago Moureazo will be in charge of the rest of the other ministries.
06:36And the deputy minister will be Dr. Martín de Francisco Vaquero.
06:41Or rather, half and half.
06:44But who are these ministers?
06:47They're not from the political class, it's not possible.
06:51Where do our businesses stand?
06:54It will be the moral collapse of a country consecrated to the Sacred Heart.
06:59That would mean anarchy, social disorder.
07:02This is going to be worse than the coffee boom that ruined the country's economy.
07:09But there is no female representation in the government.
07:12The women will remain at home in flip-flops, preferably pregnant women.
07:18making meals and ready to please man's smallest whims.
07:28But the most important thing I have to tell you today
07:32It is in obedience to the fervent wishes of all Chipchombians to live in peace
07:38And given the impossibility of achieving this because this country is full of bloodthirsty and ruthless killers,
07:45We will change the name of the country of Chichombia to the name of peace.
07:51Therefore, we will live in peace.
07:56This pig achieved what no one else had.
07:59We are at peace, we live in peace.
08:01But Your Excellency, Mr. President Pig, who will be your Vice President?
08:07Here he is, right next to me.
08:09But that's a vase, Your Excellency Mr. President.
08:13For that very reason, the vice presidency is a decorative figure.
08:22At this moment, honors are being paid to the outgoing president.
08:26who is dismissed by the president of Congress, Dr. Batalla Milena.
08:32The president's fate is a secret.
08:36But it is rumored that he will travel to a country that does not have extradition.
08:40You cannot abandon us at this time.
08:44He cannot leave the country in the hands of a pig.
08:48They didn't give us a ministry, or even a deputy ministry,
08:52nor the management of a decentralized institute.
08:56How will we live if we are the ones who have to manage public funds?
09:03That's your problem, Batalla Milena.
09:06Today I have fulfilled my dream, to be the former president of Colombia.
09:11Even if my government was the worst in the history of this country of bad governments.
09:17Please send my pension to this address.
09:21But this is in Uganda, Mr. Former President.
09:25Let the dog eat them, or rather, let the pig eat them, because I was the dog.
09:34Minister of the Interior.
09:36Present.
09:36Minister of Development.
09:38Present.
09:39Minister of Agriculture.
09:41Present.
09:42Minister of Defense.
09:45Present.
09:46Stop the bureaucratic plundering, Mr. Francis.
09:49I remind you that the Minister of Defense is Mr. Moure.
09:53He's more of a fascist than you are.
09:55Okay, now let's solve problem by problem, shall we?
09:58Without rushing, thinking about what's best for the country.
10:00Note that the former national territories, which are jungle regions and unhealthy areas, are
10:05the perfect hiding place for guerrillas, drug traffickers and the AMPA in general.
10:09And there is no oil or land for cultivation.
10:12All there is is scrubland, thickets, undergrowth and bushes.
10:15I already know what we're going to do with the national territories.
10:18Since we are a miserable country that cannot exploit them, we sell them to the United States.
10:23And while we're at it, we could legalize drugs.
10:26Selling them the national territories would include all coca and poppy crops.
10:31We'd obviously give them a discount, right?
10:32Because of the cocaine?
10:34Don't be rude, man. Your Excellency, Mr. President.
10:37Through the territories.
10:39And while we're at it, legalizing drugs will put an end to drug trafficking crimes, man.
10:44As I am the Minister of Foreign Affairs, I will take charge of this undertaking.
10:48Mr. Deputy Minister of Francis, call the embassy immediately.
10:54As you command, Mr. Minister.
10:56We'll be right back with this mess.
11:09We'll be back in the next program.
11:12We are witnessing the most important event in the history of our great nation.
11:17For the first time, national territories will be sold, because as we all know, Panama and the monks were given away.
11:27We see President Clinton, accompanied by his wife and two friends, but not Hillary's, just him.
11:35He is received by His Excellency the President of the Republic, His Excellency Dr. Cerdo,
11:43that after finalizing the negotiation, he will take him to visit the most renowned places in Pascual City.
11:57Okay, so what are we going to do with all this money?
12:00I don't know, you're the Minister of Finance.
12:02I have a plan, but I have to consult with the Minister of Education.
12:06Okay, consult me then.
12:08We are going to build schools and universities, because education is the foundation of a people's development.
12:14This town is very ignorant.
12:31And a large budget must be allocated to health, which is a front that must be covered.
12:36And not only for those suffering from physical ailments, but also for those with aesthetic concerns.
12:41Because it's awful if the people of Peace Country suffer from that.
12:44So we will build hospitals, but we will emphasize plastic surgery, of course.
12:59This other allocation will be earmarked for culture and sports.
13:03because on these two fronts lies the aerobic and anaerobic presence of a civilized country.
13:08We must take advantage of the Black Colombian community.
13:11But how could he even think of reinstating slavery?
13:14If I had known you were such a fascist, I would have given you the Ministry of Defense.
13:20No, man, you imbecile who occupies Bolívar's throne.
13:22The thing is, this breed has demonstrated artistic and sporting qualities
13:26in countries that have known how to take advantage of it, man.
13:54What is your opinion of President Cerdo's administration?
13:57I didn't believe that an unhappy, ignorant person from the lowest social class, born in the very heart of the nation, could...
14:04finally give importance to education, culture and sport.
14:10I am happy for the department of Chocó, which has received special attention.
14:16There are emerging tall, strong, lanky athletes with divine pectoral muscles.
14:25Because President Cerdo is ignorant, incapable, and inept.
14:33a man who can be manipulated, but is a good man,
14:40a good Colombian, a product of the old and respectable political class.
14:46The president is not the problem, because we have always had inept presidents.
14:55The problem is the president's advisors.
15:00And that is why I have summoned the cabinet to give us an account.
15:07because it is not right that the nation's funds be diverted
15:11towards culture and health.
15:14Where did the shady dealings and backroom deals go?
15:18That is why I am calling for a vote of no confidence in the entire cabinet.
15:25Motion approved.
15:27Congress declares all ministers dismissed.
15:33We're back with this mess.
15:46We'll be back in the next program.
15:51Did you see how things really are, former minister Moure?
15:54These gluttons are not going to let us move forward with our political project.
15:58Something must be done about these corrupt people.
16:01Let's give them some positions and make a few embezzlements through misappropriation.
16:05With the money left over from the sale of the national territories, Martín, man.
16:09I knew you were a rat, that you had the instincts of a thief,
16:13But going to Congress awakened them in you.
16:16I'm not going to allow anyone to steal a single peso from the public treasury, you see?
16:20Give me that damn money!
16:23Ah, they're already learning how this works.
16:28I am glad because I have come to speak with you to make a governance pact
16:34so that we can all work.
16:37I need them to give me the Ministry of...
16:39Forgive me, Dr. Batalla.
16:41We need to talk to the president about a few points for tonight's presidential address.
16:48Gorocito's signal, so that his teammates know what prepared play they are going to make.
16:54Gorocito, you're going to help him.
16:56The President of the Republic of Peace now addresses you.
17:02At 10:31 we received the first segment of the presidential address.
17:08Good evening, honest country, honorable country.
17:11Especially after the measures that will be taken starting today.
17:14Go ahead, you despicable and ignorant person.
17:17Dog, most excellent President of the Republic.
17:20The President of the Republic of Peace, considering that...
17:24First, this is a country of thugs and murderers.
17:29It makes sense that prisons need to be built to house all those criminals.
17:35Second, that the city of Cúcuta saw the birth of papuchis
17:39And the city of Ibagué is the hometown of George Barón.
17:43Article One decrees that the cities of Cúcuta and Ibagué will be declared prison cities.
17:52Article two, to prevent the mass relocation of the inhabitants of Cúcuta and Ibagué
17:59Being from Cúcuta or Ibagué will be declared a crime.
18:04Excellent decree, Mr. President. What did you think, Martín?
18:08It was a good decree against Lampa.
18:10A bit harsh on the cities of Cúcuta and Ibagué, although I couldn't care less about those two cities.
18:14my.
18:15Ibagué doesn't bother me that much.
18:17But Cúcuta. Cúcuta deserves everything for being the hometown of papuchis.
18:22But that's not all. We have another decree from the president.
18:25Go ahead, most excellent Unhappy Pig.
18:27The President of the Republic of Peace, considering that, firstly, this is a country of thugs and corrupt individuals,
18:35It is logical that one must be inflexible with people who embezzle public funds.
18:43It decrees, in its sole article, that any official caught misusing public funds,
18:51The hand he has the best control over will be amputated.
18:54Left-handed people go to the left, and right-handed people go to the right.
18:59In this way, it can never be repeated that there are criminal hands in this country.
19:06The government went too far.
19:10The government has violated the constitution and has targeted the honest and honorable political class.
19:20When governments should be responsible for persecuting the working class.
19:26I propose to this congress that it approve a trial of the president and his comrades.
19:36Do they approve of the trial or not?
19:40Don't be idiots! Use your other hand!
19:56Since we were little we have been lazy watching TV, a paradise for idle people.
20:07And to speak of people who are of no importance whatsoever, no, no, always mediocre from the very beginning of infancy.
20:19Wasting time, always thinking about the same thing, and those thirty wasted years.
20:30Time passed, a dream of nothing, of form and itself.
20:36We spent our time among thieves, Asians, and bugs.
20:41And here we are, and here we stay.
20:49Thank you!