- hace 23 minutos
Como hubiera sido si Gran Bretaña hubiera conquistado Colombia.
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00:00The situations, names, and places described in this program are products of fiction.
00:07Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
00:11The following program is not a product of our television.
00:30A paradise for idlers, and talking about people who are of no importance whatsoever, no, no, always mediocre from the
00:42same breastfeeding.
00:45Wasting time, always thinking about the same thing, that's already thirty years wasted.
00:56Time passed, filled with enthusiasm, sports, and ready.
01:02We spent our time between romances, pigs, and bugs.
01:07And here we are, and here we stay.
01:16Today we present, Blas de Leso was to blame.
01:20Little brother, what are we going to talk about today, huh?
01:22I do believe that Fruco ate us, and not only him, but all his cronies.
01:26We've run out of all the topics.
01:28No, and the thing is, we can't do any more with the dwarves, and besides, they're not prohibited.
01:32We're going to have to talk about the misfortunes that are seen in this country every day, brother.
01:36Look at that little girl who is begging that old man for alms.
01:39That girl isn't asking that old man for alms, she's robbing him, hello.
01:44That's nothing.
01:45Look at those homeless people breastfeeding from that milk truck.
01:57No, this country really is hell. It makes you want to cry.
02:03Let's put Julio on and see what that damn fool is saying.
02:07This is a heartbreaking situation. I don't think I can bear it.
02:12It's a real tragedy. This has been one of the most difficult moments of my career.
02:19Incredible, isn't it? Finally, Julio and we agree.
02:22That bald guy couldn't possibly be that insensitive.
02:25The woman of the century has died. A woman who dedicated her life to the most needy.
02:31He gave bread to everyone who provoked him.
02:35Today marks one year since the death of the extraordinary woman Diana, Princess of Wales.
02:40It's not right, man. That in this country that's falling apart there are people obsessed with such nonsense.
02:46that neither adds to nor takes away from this little republic, man.
02:49And that they neither take away from nor add to their own lives.
02:52Attention Miami, attention Chipchombia. I'm going to cry.
02:57Stop talking nonsense and worry about the family business instead.
03:01Don't you see it's falling apart because of the ridiculously small schedule they gave us?
03:05Because of that fight, did you marry the president?
03:08Oh, Dad, don't bother me anymore.
03:10Oh, be quiet. And instead, tell me the name of the children's program.
03:14What are we going to do with Mickey the clown and his brother Jamie?
03:17Someone who can't be controlled, making increasingly stupid jokes.
03:21Hi, it's also inconceivable that people who claim to be serious are paying attention.
03:25which is Viagra, which is the latest thing in the world.
03:29And all this talk about the Titanic this way and the Titanic that way is driving me crazy.
03:36Stop here. Are you going to take me to your mother's house or what?
03:40Also, don't add any more people, this place doesn't have two floors.
03:46You have to realize how inhumane this public transport is here.
03:50with these little coffins designed for pygmies, where they huddle the poor people.
03:54Well, that just goes to show us that we're not in England.
04:00And to think that by a hair, or rather by an ear, we are not descendants of the English.
04:08In the mid-18th century, there was great wealth here in South America,
04:13whereas in North America that was a farm over there,
04:18full of Indians and pure bare forest.
04:23The English had a monopoly on the transport of slaves,
04:28But to earn some extra money, they brought in contraband.
04:32Don't be dense, man, smuggling wasn't something you'd find in San Andresito.
04:36They were spices, fabrics, food.
04:39But the issue of smuggling exhausted the patience of the Spaniards.
04:45You know it, Jenkins.
04:46You damned English are only allowed to bring slaves.
04:52And they're also carrying contraband.
04:55Slavery is fine, but these poor chickens are innocent.
05:01And so that you may learn your lesson, you damned Brits,
05:06The Spanish crown commands you here.
05:09The Jenkins ear incident enraged the hard-hearted English.
05:16Fellow countrymen, subjects of His Majesty,
05:19The Spanish have wounded British pride.
05:22They also impede free trade in the New World.
05:26We must end the Spanish monarchy in the New World!
05:30Sorry, I didn't hear anything.
05:36And they assembled the most magically and disgustingly large fleet that had ever crossed the Atlantic.
05:42180 ships and 23,600 men,
05:47led by the arrogant admiral Sir Edward Vernon.
05:51Finally, the British arrive at Spain's most important port in the Caribbean,
05:59Cartagena!
06:00We're back with this mess!
06:13We'll be back in the next program.
06:16Cartagena was besieged by the English,
06:19But the walled city was in good hands.
06:23What am I saying?
06:24In good hands.
06:25He was a gallant man,
06:27proud as they come,
06:30But, like a good soldier, he had left a limb in the battle at every place he had defended.
06:36Don Brás de Leso.
06:38The English had captured Castillo Grande,
06:42Sleeve,
06:43and then they took over Cerro de la Popa.
06:46And before they could take San Felipe Castle,
06:51They succumb to yellow fever and black vomit,
06:55being the first unreal polluters of the bay.
07:00But the Spanish artillery kept the English at bay.
07:04Don't be a pest!
07:06What's he doing there!
07:07Help those men attack that door!
07:09We cannot allow the English to breach those walls!
07:15Can you imagine what would have happened if the English had won?
07:18What would our story have been?
07:21Aim fire!
07:39Okay, so what are we going to talk about today?
07:42The thing is, in this country, the topics just aren't available.
07:45What a boring country!
07:46Yes, nothing's happening here.
07:49It would have been better if we had been born in one of those third world countries,
07:53where atrocious things happen every day.
07:57What are we going to do?
07:58Oh, look at that little girl helping an old man cross the street.
08:03Even the homeless have nothing to worry about.
08:07Look at those people queuing up to receive unemployment insurance.
08:12Oh! I beg your pardon!
08:14I almost missed the pedestrian crossing.
08:17Altimeters! Altimeters!
08:19Attention!
08:20Batalla Milena appointed UN Secretary-General.
08:23Cafrecon with a surplus of 100 billion pounds!
08:26Oh, great game Nuchichumbia, Spain!
08:29How boring it is to live in this country that belongs to the British Commonwealth!
08:33How annoying!
08:34There is no insecurity.
08:36There is no corruption.
08:37Living in such an organized country is exhausting!
08:40The only new thing is the match against Spain, which I wouldn't miss for the world.
08:46Oh, it makes me want to cry!
08:48Let's put Julito on the phone to see what he's saying!
08:51Today marks one year since the death of that extraordinary woman, Diane of Wales.
08:58But that's why we've brought Elton, to sing Candle in the Wind for us.
09:04in homage to this extraordinary woman.
09:17Come on, my little boy, and help me produce the transmission of my universes!
09:22Because his brother James is only good for telling stupid jokes.
09:27Dad, I told you not to show up again when my friends were there!
09:32What a shame about Elton!
09:34Good morning, dear and phlegmatic listeners.
09:38For people who are bored on the buses,
09:41complaint to Terra, everyone comfortable,
09:44with space and air conditioning,
09:46And with those perfect streets,
09:49without a single gap,
09:50There's no drama in this country.
09:53There is no emotion.
09:55Do you think you're taking me to Chateley Law Palace, I mean, your mother?
09:59Stop me here!
10:01And also, don't add any more people to this.
10:03Or do you think this is a triple-decker bus?
10:10In three seconds, Professor Pig will be with us.
10:17As punctual as ever, esteemed Professor Pig,
10:22the renowned punctuality of Chipchombians.
10:25He didn't even arrive, you honorable pig,
10:28because we're going to watch the cricket match
10:31and have some good Scotch.
10:34Wait a moment.
10:36Reserve me two Scotsmen and a very tasty Irishman.
10:41I'm going to commentate on the match.
10:49There's nothing like a good old whisky from Caldas.
10:52Or like a good old man from Caldas without whisky,
10:56like that one coming over there.
11:02Why did they do that?
11:05Look, this is proof that God created whiskey
11:09so that the Scots would not dominate the world.
11:12This drink really does bring out your inner wild side.
11:17Listen, gentlemen,
11:18Please pass me an arepa with roast beef.
11:21Follow us on maicer.
11:23No, this bland roast beef with this arepa.
11:28What bland and tasteless food!
11:32I think there must be thousands of better things.
11:35to accompany an arepa.
11:37They say that in Hispanic and underdeveloped countries
11:41They sell something like a pork sausage
11:46wrapped in pigskin.
11:48You made my mouth water again.
11:51I think that leads to the suggestive name of chorizo.
11:56Definitely Anglo-Saxon culture
11:58It's too phrenic.
12:01The game is over!
12:03It's time for a flake of tea!
12:06We'll be right back with the next program.
12:18We're back with the next program!
12:24And yes, I confess that none of this was done behind my back.
12:29I realized everything that was happening.
12:32I did receive those 10 dollars from that man
12:36who was once in jail
12:38for having stolen that women's underwear
12:41from the Caracas Jar.
12:43Therefore, I irrevocably resign
12:46to my position as prime minister of the nation.
12:50Ah, surely if the Spaniards
12:53They would have beaten our ancestors
12:56the English,
12:57This president would have said
12:59that was behind his back.
13:00Do you have pain in Lumbago?
13:03Yes, sir!
13:04Do you have pain in the head of Malokera?
13:07Yes, sir!
13:08Do you have pain in muscles and bones?
13:11Yes, sir!
13:12So, what are you waiting for?
13:15Throw yourself with pain in on.
13:17Pain is afraid when pain in on appears.
13:20Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
13:24Welcome to the show of the stars
13:28with the vision of what happens
13:30nationally and internationally.
13:34In first place,
13:36a person that was made to be a singer,
13:41the lovely Lady Marvell.
13:45I want to be a fine pearl color
13:48and go up and go down
13:50and go up and go down
13:51and go up and go down
13:52I want to be a fine pearl color.
13:55And also,
13:56we are going to present tonight
14:00the ordinary,
14:03fantastic,
14:04the Manteco of Mantecos,
14:07the most repulsive and disgusting singer
14:11that have been born in the world.
14:14Ivan and his big Ben.
14:17What will become of me without the old songs?
14:20I would be behind the red ones.
14:22Who would have thought I would become a singer?
14:24With that hungry face?
14:27Because if this weren't an elegant country,
14:30I would get through it.
14:32Because if this were a Latin American country,
14:36My Chinese friends would eat well.
14:38No, this Anglo-Saxon television,
14:40How tiresome!
14:41It was so perfectly well done
14:44that we cannot make fun of.
14:46How I long to watch game shows
14:49Spanish or Latin American style?
14:51Or comedy programs too,
14:54like that dog, laughter and salsa
14:56where dwarves appear.
14:58But that's just English humor.
14:59It's so stupid and predictable.
15:02Okay, let's hurry up, it's about to start
15:04the New Chipchumbia vs. Spain match.
15:11Look at the English barbarians
15:13And to think that we carry it in our blood.
15:16English barbarism.
15:18Oh, how scary.
15:19Those are hooligans.
15:21I'm terrified of entering this match
15:23And because I'm so unlucky,
15:25I'm sure they're going to come after me.
15:27We're back with this mess.
15:40We'll be back in the next program.
15:44Oh, no way, man!
15:46Don't be afraid of him.
15:47Nothing's going to happen.
15:49Don't be a coward.
15:51Let's go inside
15:52that have already opened their doors.
15:55Oh, wait.
15:57What smells so good?
15:59Uh!
16:00It's that Spaniard who's selling
16:02those pork sausages.
16:05They're sausages!
16:06What a flavor!
16:08What a treat!
16:09Why were we English?
16:11Damn!
16:13Because?
16:19Goal for Spain!
16:21Let's get rich with the ball!
16:23Throw away the frame!
16:25Spain scores, damn it!
16:28Hey, how could you do that to yourself?
16:31And to do this to me.
16:33These people are going to wipe the floor with us.
16:36But what do we have here?
16:38We have a Spanish traitor.
16:40Him!
16:42But let's not waste time beating up Power Miserable!
16:47Instead, let's beat up that old woman over there!
16:56You're a traitorous bitch!
16:59You're a piece of trash!
17:01I saved your life before!
17:04Those hooligans are killers.
17:06for having celebrated Spain's goal.
17:08We won't be able to go in to watch the second half!
17:11Rather, let's finish watching them in pop music!
17:14Tonight, don't wait for me at home!
17:17The ball goes over the mango tree!
17:20We lost to Spain and we don't know how to lose!
17:25This is a tragedy that brings grief to the entire Niuchuchumbian people!
17:29Something has to be done!
17:31This cannot be left like this!
17:33And don't expect us at the house!
17:37Let's have a beer if we're going to destroy everything that smells Spanish!
17:41But look who's over there!
17:44Those damned Spanish sausage makers!
17:48But why is our story like this!
17:52Why did we have to live in a country colonized by the English?
17:57Where everything works and is more organized, I won't deny it.
18:01But where everything is more phlegmatic, bucolic and boring, but at the same time violent and wild.
18:07Oh, if only we could change history and correct the moment when the Spanish empire ceased to dominate us!
18:15Don't be a pest!
18:16Stay there!
18:17Help those men lock that door!
18:20We cannot allow the English to breach those walls!
18:27Aim fire!
18:35And the Spanish heroically won the battle, commanded by Blas de Leso, because there were 180 English ships against 6 Spanish ones.
18:48That is why Cartagena is known as the heroic city.
18:53Poor Princess Diana of Wales! She never got to enjoy the benefits of Viagra, nor did she get to see Titanic.
19:02No, it can't be! Julio lives as if we had been conquered by the English.
19:08No, thank goodness not, brother! Can you imagine living without eating chorizo with lots of fat, lard, and pork?
19:18This jerk damaged my brakes! He pays me everything and he's happy, just so you know!
19:23Don't worry, Mr. Iguazos, I'll take responsibility for everything.
19:26Oh, why didn't the English conquer us! Why? Why?
19:37Since we were little we have been lazy, watching TV, a paradise for idle people.
19:48And talking about people, which is of no importance whatsoever.
19:53No, no! Always mediocre, even from infancy.
19:58Wasting time, always thinking about the same thing, it's been thirty years already, wasted.
20:11Time will pass, a dream of the plains, of votes and civilized people.
20:16We didn't get through it, between promises and peace and bugs.
20:22And here we are, and here we stay.
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