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Taskmaster - S16E09 - Fagin at the Disco [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
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00:34Hello! Welcome to the show!
00:37I'm Greg Davis.
00:39If Taskmaster is the new Coliseum,
00:41then our contestants are lying fodder.
00:43If Taskmaster is the Olympics,
00:45then these five need to beef up on roids big time.
00:47If taskmaster is the new religion then I'm the mother flippin Pope and I don't smoke dope and I've never
00:53owned a soap on a rope
00:54Wow writing introductions is increasingly tough
00:57So let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders. They are Julian Clary
01:16And next to me the answer to the question which well-known presenter those little plops in the toilet like
01:21the ones you'd expect to see from a
01:34Sagan what are you preoccupied with oh was I sorry Nick? Yeah? No, not very professional. Just a new whatsapp
01:41group. Yeah
01:42I love whatsapp. Do you just the groups anyway? Yes
01:49So we look at your whatsapp group really yep, it's sort of price for me and my friends. Yep
01:54Let me see my actual friends
02:00The little ones
02:02That's the name of the group. Yeah, yeah, who's in it?
02:05Lil Nas is in it is he? Yeah
02:08What does he say? Hey guys you free Wednesday got some little plans
02:14So funny you say now man not Wednesday swimming lesson
02:20You know this
02:21Lil Nas says Lil Wayne you're around next Wednesday
02:27Like I say I got some little plans
02:29Lil Wayne says also not free Wednesday. I've got my climbing lesson always Wednesday
02:34I thought you knew that Lil Nas
02:35Yep and there are lots of exclamation marks and then in comes Richard Littlejohn
02:41He says hi guys love the banter as always
02:44Yeah
02:47I'm free on Wednesday is my javelin practice
02:52My javelin practice has been moved to Sunday mornings 8am WTF
02:57Yeah, it's not early, isn't that early for javelin?
02:59Yeah
03:02Messaged him back for you. What did you say?
03:08I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before
03:14I'm with the price that yes, and you'll like this one Greg because they've been asked to bring in the
03:20bit of old crap that Greg likes the best
03:22Wow, you are getting lazy
03:25We all know Greg likes old crap, but what old crap does Greg like best best old crap equals five
03:31points and the winner today
03:32We'll take home five bits of old crap crappy days
03:36Okay, do you what bit of crap have you bought it?
03:39Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop. There we go
03:44So gentlemen at arms I bought it to annoy my husband because I thought he'd hate it, but actually we've
03:49grown to love him
03:50We call him Bernard
03:52And he's everything you'd want in a soldier. He's well presented
03:56He's very very smart and probably available for no strings fun around the back of the back
04:04He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he? Why does it have to be no strings?
04:13I wonder where that tradition came from of soldiers having big feathers on their head. Any idea? Yeah, yeah, I
04:20know. Okay
04:23Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier? This is a mouse-dropping
04:27Oh
04:28Basically where my mum lived and when she was growing up she lived next door to an older couple and
04:35they couldn't have children
04:36So the husband he bought a monkey off a sailor
04:41But the monkey bit her nose off and so I was never allowed pets
04:48But my mum did eventually get me a hamster and
04:52one night
04:53It ran across the settee and so because it scared her she she whacked it and killed it
04:59Well because of that my mum's now got mice in a pantry and instead of getting rid of them
05:06She's keeping them like pets and
05:11So the feathers are just a symbol of their collective identity
05:16Feel like I have I've done what you've asked me to do you haven't done me you've just given me
05:22an awful insight into your upbringing
05:24And then you brought me a plate full of shit
05:29What have you bought it's my national insurance number I?
05:33Had to get a national insurance number yeah, we all love to they rang me up
05:37They said how do you want it get sending a letter or just email or you can get it on
05:42a cassette a
05:44Cassette yeah
05:45To blind people so they can hear the number of steps. Yeah, no surprise. Wow, and this is what his
05:52national insurance number is
05:54In the department for work and pensions your reference
06:02Pretty good
06:06Do you want it because you have trouble with sleeping? I do have trouble sleeping yeah
06:10Hi, Sue, are you can you beat a plate full of shit?
06:16Um, a safe security number a soldier I brought this in atomic energy badge for boy scouts in
06:251960s America to get this badge as a boy scout you had to build an electroscope
06:30Build a geiger counter go to a place underground with radiation
06:35And record the measurements that's genuinely fascinating and I gotta say I think it might have the edge over a
06:43plate full of
06:43Shit
06:45Hello season um the thing that I brought in is my childhood pet so here is susan's bit of old
06:52crap
06:52I really wanted a dog but my mum she's nigerian so she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing
07:00A wild hostile animal like a puppy into your home just doesn't translate
07:04So one day I was with my childhood friend aurora
07:08She's very arts and crafty she calls her parents by their first name really weird really weird put yourself together
07:14aurora
07:16And so we decided to walk along the warth road and each find a leaf
07:22Which we then covered in sticky back plastic and I decided to name my childhood pet
07:28Lafleur and that is a true story and I feel a bit sick
07:32Ha I'm not surprised it's genuinely heartbreaking that someone would have a pet that is a laminated leaf
07:40Not easy for you this break I mean it's not that hard
07:45It'll come as little surprise that the thing I want to take home least is a big pile of mash
07:51it
07:51One point a little point okay
07:52What do you think I want to take home least the next I think it's the national insurance number of
07:57an australian comedian
07:58It isn't oh it's a laminated leaf
08:02Two points to susan then is it yep okay, I sort of want that soldier wait wait is this getting
08:07three points?
08:08Yeah, I can't explain why I want some tape I almost want it the most
08:14But not quite I want the atomic badge the most so I'm going to give four points to
08:18Sam's weird tape and five points to the atomic
08:21There we go well and sue perkins
08:22Okay, let's get going stop
08:29Go
08:47And stop this is already
08:52majestic
08:53standard sweeper
08:55I haven't got a driver's license. Do you have a driver's license? I do it took a while to get
08:59I can't drive I'm a Londoner
09:02We don't drive you just go on the bus or the DLR and go boop boop at the front
09:06Can you drive Sam?
09:08I can drive people crazy
09:10Do you have a license?
09:11No, I only have a license Alex I am a member of the advanced motorists association
09:16So stick that in your pipe
09:19Drive that's good. It's the first word drive across the finish line
09:24You must obey all the rules of the road and must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal
09:33If you disobey a rule Alex will blow his whistle and you must return to the start
09:40Back here back here for a 10-second driving lesson fastest wins
09:45Your time starts when the traffic signals first change
09:49So I'm going to teach you about this vehicle right here. This is the horn Alex
09:55Sorry
09:57No, no, but not yet. Not yet. Yep. Yep. The lesson hasn't quite finished or started
10:02It goes up to 10 miles an hour. Oh, I'm gonna push this bitch
10:07I'm not entirely clear about these signals. No, I'm assuming red means stop. No doesn't
10:14You start when the traffic signals change, okay
10:27There were things that surprised me about the intro. I'm gonna push this bitch
10:32That's the reason it took 14 years to get the license
10:37Julian you're an advanced driver. Well, my father was a traffic policeman
10:42So he knew about this organization
10:44They teach you how to drive
10:46Extra safely and you get a sticker to put in your car, but can you also do donuts in a
10:51car park and stuff?
10:53I have been known
10:58Um things that didn't surprise me sam and lucy can't drive and rada sits on the front of trains and
11:04pretends she's the driver
11:06I'm happy to see their attempts
11:08So neither of these two have a license and neither of them should ever have a license. It's lucy
11:13It's also sam here. We go. You can start when the traffic signals change
11:17right
11:28What's up please come back for a driving lesson
11:38Hello sam how are you welcome to first driving lesson
11:47Hello lucy you clearly didn't obey the amber signal there. I don't know what it means. Well amber means to
11:53activate your brushes
11:53What does red mean you've got two seconds left red means go off you go
11:57Oh
12:11Very well with the brushes that time but then you hit the purple one and of course that purple you
12:15must get out of your vehicle walk
12:16Round it and get back in it and carry on
12:19What's green mean green wait for three seconds off you go ready to go go go go
12:32Blue means you have to come back to the previous signal and then carry on oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
12:37that means you gotta beep your horn and carry on
12:38We're getting there
12:40Oh, bye-bye
12:42What the hell you failed to activate your brushes
12:48Orange means good
12:52Come back on foot if you want
12:54Hello lucy turn them on purple is spin obviously how much to be able to do it if I had
13:00that with me you want my piece of paper
13:02Yeah
13:06Lovely
13:10Very good
13:25I've stopped the clock
13:32What you're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal can you come back for a driving
13:36lesson, please?
13:37What the hell that was good?
13:40What happens if this goes forever?
13:42Don't you have other things to film?
13:57Thank you
13:58You should be ashamed
14:00You should be ashamed
14:02You should be ashamed
14:06Well firstly you enjoyed your flashing blue hat and your authority too much didn't you?
14:11I enjoyed it a lot. You did?
14:12Blow in his little whistle
14:14What a knob now
14:16Lucy, and I say this only in driving terms
14:20I think there's something wrong with you
14:22That's what the instructor said
14:25Sam
14:26You seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point
14:29Yes, I think I know that you mean it's this bit
14:37He kept whistling and the authority figure his hat was pissing me off man
14:42And he was smirking and he was nasty
14:45He's a spiteful little shit isn't he
14:47They're not doing my task right
14:51He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds
14:54Is that good?
14:55No
14:57Lucy 24 minutes and 30 seconds so they're pretty similar times but Lucy's in the lead at the moment
15:01Well done Lucy
15:05That's a real opportunity to practice mindfulness
15:09Close your eyes and breathe
15:10Then make a list of all the things you haven't done
15:13Jesus you're behind get up panic no one thinks you're up to the job
15:16Ahhhh
15:28Hello, hello again
15:30Welcome to part two of taskmaster where our comedians are learning the taskmaster rules of the road
15:35Yes, Greg, it's our way or the highway code
15:39We've seen sam and lucy now for sue perkins and our resident advanced motorist mr julian clary
15:45Off we go
15:50Sorry julian would you mind coming back for a driving lesson
15:56Hello julian
15:57Hello did I do something wrong so you failed to obey the amber signal which is of course activate brushes
16:03And red means go blue blue means return to the previous signal and obey that signal as well
16:09Okay
16:12I'm returning oh yeah i knew it
16:15Do you have a pen father taught me to drive really i passed on my 17th birthday oh happy day
16:21happy birthday
16:22I am well enough about you yeah okay
16:26Okay let's go
16:31Oh dear i can't read my own hands
16:36oh don't
16:38so annoying
16:40bye bye bye
16:42activate brushes
16:48all right so far really nice really nice
17:02i don't want it to end
17:10i've stopped the clock
17:38i'm not sure in the history of this show we've ever had such a chillingly calm
17:43meltdown
17:44just
17:45smelt freedom
17:47it was like a light bulb filament burnt out
17:50and then
17:50nah
17:52it's not for me
17:55all that blowing i don't know how long i was there for but it was a long time
17:59well it wasn't that long
18:0213 minutes
18:04you've got a shorter fuse than you thought julian
18:07oh he was the only one there to talk to
18:08oh god awful
18:11um so julian gets no points but you know what a glorious crash and burn it's all worth it
18:16so i've just realized that whatever we've asked you to do for this whole series
18:21you look like it's your job
18:23i'm really miserable that's the thing i'm told to do something i go absolutely and then i'm just it
18:27you really did you really did push that bitch
18:29no
18:30she was an exhausted bitch by the time
18:34she pushed the bitch
18:36for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds
18:43who's next here is susan on the sweep
18:52what's it what do what do i do please come back for a driving lesson oh my god all right
18:57oh
18:57oh
19:01stop stop stop stop stop
19:03i need to press
19:07wait wait wait hang on wait wait i've got it everyone calm down
19:10good
19:11good no stop stop stop
19:12stop stop stop
19:15i'm sorry i nearly killed you i'm so sorry
19:31welcome to your first driving lesson unfortunately you didn't obey the amber signal
19:35Amber, of course, means you have to activate your brushes.
19:38Bye.
19:47Please come back for a driving lesson.
19:48What? No, no, wait!
19:49Well, I need to tell you what blue does.
19:52Lovely means to wait.
19:53Blue means to come back to the previous set of signals.
19:55Off you go.
19:56What does yellow mean now?
19:58Means you have to come back for a driving lesson.
20:00Careful.
20:05Yellow has beat the horn and carry on.
20:06Right, bye.
20:07Bye-bye.
20:11And do I kick them off?
20:21I've already got it on.
20:22So I just carry it on.
20:23I'm going.
20:24I'm bloody going.
20:26You can't stop me!
20:28You can't stop me!
20:33We got there.
20:36APPLAUSE
20:38Well, here's a sentence I never thought would be said out loud.
20:42You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont.
20:46Well, I don't have a driver's licence and...
20:48No way.
20:49No, no, no.
20:50I had so much fun.
20:52Oh, good.
20:53Yeah.
20:54Especially when I nearly killed one.
20:56Didn't I hit that thing twice?
20:57Twice.
20:58The thing with the man behind.
20:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:00She didn't fulfil the task.
21:02She learnt really quickly.
21:04So, at first, you were turning left, but not understanding why it went left.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:08But you managed to time it better than anyone else with the flag.
21:11So you did it in 13 minutes, 50 seconds.
21:13Oh, God, that's...
21:14Oh, what?
21:16APPLAUSE
21:17It was amazing.
21:19But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy, four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets five points.
21:24There we are.
21:27And a scoreboard, please.
21:28Maximum points at the moment goes to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten.
21:32CHEERING
21:33And we then see.
21:35May we have another task for you, fellas.
21:37Yes.
21:37And it's another one that really is just for you, Greg.
21:41GASP
21:58Hello.
21:58Oh, hi, Susan.
21:59Oh, hi.
22:03Hi, Sam.
22:04Oh, there's something in your pigeonhole.
22:05Oh, hi, Sam.
22:07Oh, hi, Sam.
22:08That's proper 50.
22:14COIN Fever, hey?
22:16Make Greg the best gift.
22:18You have five minutes to order your items, then 15 minutes to make your gift.
22:25Your items must cost no more than 50 pounds.
22:28I will need that money.
22:30So I've got to pick these up like an animal.
22:33OK, your time starts now.
22:35Right.
22:36OK.
22:40Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
22:42Yeah.
22:43OK.
22:44Can I tell you?
22:45Yes, please.
22:45OK.
22:50Can you get me a box?
22:52Corrugated cardboard.
22:53Something furry.
22:54Fluffy.
22:55A blanket.
22:59What colour?
23:01Brown.
23:02And if there's any Mr. Sheen spray and a duster, if you can afford that as well.
23:08I'd like a hairdryer.
23:09Nothing with nuts.
23:11The craziest straws that you can see.
23:13So that's up to about £8 now, do you think?
23:15You've got 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend.
23:18Let's put some little sweets in.
23:20Maybe he's a Chris...
23:20I think he might be a Chris man.
23:22For her, I wish it.
23:24We're going to spoil him.
23:25Cheap crisps.
23:26Cheap crisps.
23:27Because then we can have a few.
23:28Yeah, like that.
23:28Cheap crisps.
23:31OK, will you open?
23:32Are you OK?
23:33Yeah, I'm going to the shop.
23:34Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something.
23:36Right.
23:38All right.
23:39You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davis.
23:42Fabulous.
23:46Um, is it appropriate to call him sir?
23:48Definitely.
23:51It sort of looks like you know what you're doing.
23:52I don't.
23:53Wear this one.
23:55Yeah.
23:55And then I'd like you to come out naked.
23:56Look at that.
23:57There's no.
23:58Yeah.
23:59I'm sorry I started this.
24:02And you finished, do you?
24:03Yeah.
24:03Yeah.
24:04And now.
24:04This is really good, by the way.
24:06You want me to pass it on?
24:08Yeah.
24:08I've got a real feeling this is going to be quite wonderful.
24:11APPLAUSE
24:13We sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins where everyone else had a note.
24:18But I think we set him up because we always know he's going to say something amazing.
24:21And I just loved coin fever, eh?
24:26Why did you have an orange tie on?
24:29I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over on something for myself.
24:34I'm very excited by all of these.
24:36Well done for the sir thing.
24:38It puts me in mind of my teaching days.
24:40I thought it might.
24:41Advert time.
24:42A wise man once said,
24:44Never a borrower nor a lender be.
24:46And did that guy have an air fryer or a soda stream?
24:49No.
24:49What a loser.
24:50Apply for a new credit card immediately.
24:52The neighbours are talking about you.
24:54LAUGHTER
25:06Hello!
25:09Welcome back to Taskmaster, where I've been a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
25:14Such a patient boy, Greg, but the waiting is about to pay off.
25:17Are you ready?
25:18Yes?
25:18Let's go and get your presents.
25:20Come on.
25:21APPLAUSE
25:26Happy birthday, Greg.
25:27Present time.
25:28Yes.
25:29Let's start this end.
25:30This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
25:32Do you remember the box he made?
25:34Yes.
25:34Enjoy.
25:36Oh, that is a lovely box with pink spots on it.
25:40So, so, we'd love for Julian.
25:41This could change your life.
25:43Oh.
25:44Oh, God.
25:49Oh, God.
25:51That is...
25:52There's more.
25:53Oh.
25:55What's that?
25:56Polish?
25:57Oh.
25:59Julian's written, have fun, in the bottle.
26:02This is what the...
26:04Shorts.
26:05Oh, God.
26:07I mean, you know, it's getting to the time where I should consider retiring,
26:11so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on?
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14Thank you for my...
26:17..gimp costume?
26:18OK, second present.
26:20This is from Susan Wakoma.
26:23Oh.
26:24Oh, I like that.
26:25Homemade.
26:25Oh, that is nice.
26:27I think you should put it on.
26:29Pop that on.
26:30Get that on, yeah?
26:31A more cynical man would say this was just some crudely cut pieces of material...
26:36..that have been glued onto a fur coat.
26:38No, no, you've been mistaken.
26:40Should we go out to the fur?
26:41Oh.
26:42Look at that.
26:42Look at that.
26:42Give us a kiss.
26:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:49Put these on.
26:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:53They're nice.
26:54Yeah.
26:55They're a nice person so far, aren't they?
26:57LAUGHTER
26:57Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:00Lucy Beaumont's...
27:02..den.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:04Oh.
27:05Oh.
27:06That's quite clever, though, because I do like a den.
27:08Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13There's a trailer crisps, you know, where someone might go,
27:16ooh, crisps, and then they'll come in the den and then you can get them.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:20Can you fit in there, OK?
27:22LAUGHTER
27:24LAUGHTER
27:28Let's see, shall we?
27:31LAUGHTER
27:31Oh, you're going in backwards.
27:33Yes.
27:35Do you like the present, Greg?
27:37No.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41A bit more delicate, this one.
27:42This is, er, from Sam Campbell.
27:45All for you.
27:47Oh.
27:48What is, at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow.
27:51I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:55So that's incredible.
27:57Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00What was I thinking?
28:01Well, I thought when we saw you were so stylish,
28:04I didn't know you were going to start dressing like Fagin at a disco.
28:10Last one.
28:11And now you can enjoy a lovely bit of art.
28:15Aww.
28:16Is that you? That's you.
28:18Yeah, we did that in the garden.
28:19There's a version on the back with the artist in the frame.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:24I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic, romantic,
28:28perhaps even sexual way.
28:30Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
28:32Which is your least favourite gift, Greg?
28:34I don't want to give any of them one point.
28:36Right.
28:37I'm going to give, er, two points to Sam's gentleman's basket
28:40because I think, well, it's insane.
28:43Lovely stuff.
28:44And I think I'm going to give, erm, three points
28:46to Susan's coat.
28:49Do you know why?
28:50I can imagine.
28:51It's rubbish.
28:54I'm going to give four points to Lucy's crisp den.
28:58And I'm going to give four points also
29:00to Julian's, er, rubber outfit
29:02because it's just something I've never considered before.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:05And I'm going to give five points
29:07to this beautiful painting of my favourite man in the world.
29:09Aww. Aww.
29:10Aww.
29:10Well, there we go.
29:11Sue Perkins wins the task!
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:14Let's go right down.
29:17Shall we try for another?
29:19Mmm, yes, please.
29:20OK, Greg, here is some more clowning about.
29:38MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Hello!
29:45Hello there.
29:46Aww.
29:47That's a creepy clown.
29:49Don't go any closer to the clown.
29:50I don't want to, it's a clown.
29:51Good.
29:52OK, here we go.
29:53Feed the clown the most cards.
29:57No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage.
30:01BUZZER
30:02This is the stage.
30:04Don't go any closer than that.
30:05Exactly.
30:06Even if a hair goes over it.
30:08You have ten minutes.
30:09Your time starts now.
30:12APPLAUSE
30:13Pretty straightforward.
30:15Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
30:16Mm-hm.
30:17Do not cross the threshold.
30:19And I will be ruthless on this.
30:21I think we should just get on with it.
30:22OK, well, let's begin, as we so often have, with Lucy and Susan.
30:28I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
30:33Cool!
30:34Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
30:37What I've got is a shed.
30:39I'll try again, just so that we're all aware that this is not how we're going to do this.
30:45Useless.
30:47Hello, Lucy.
30:48Hiya.
30:48You got a plan?
30:49Yeah.
30:50Yeah.
30:53All right, so we've done that.
30:54Yeah, I've done that.
31:06That was about six.
31:08Do you mind telling me your plan?
31:09I want to see if you'll, erm, if you'll sit on there.
31:13I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
31:14I can't cross the threshold.
31:21Can you cross the threshold?
31:23Yeah, I can.
31:23I can do what I want.
31:24Can you get me all the cards?
31:25No, thank you.
31:26What?!
31:27I don't really like clowns.
31:29No, nobody does, do they?
31:31I'm just going to give you this card.
31:33You might need to just shuffle forward a bit.
31:36I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth.
31:38You won't be?
31:39I don't think so.
31:41Right.
31:43May I go in the shed, please?
31:45Thanks.
31:48Oh.
31:49I mean, there's nothing in here.
31:52Well, no, that's cos that's not the shed.
31:55Why am I sitting on a sledge?
31:57I was probably going to push you if you needed me to.
31:59Oogie!
32:01No.
32:03You were fine, just.
32:04Was I?
32:05Er, yep.
32:06I'm over it.
32:08I've got a feeling this isn't the best way, but I don't know...
32:12I've sort of committed to it.
32:14I don't know any other way now.
32:22LAUGHTER
32:23Well, there are some cards in the clown's mouth.
32:27APPLAUSE
32:30What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method, but then they evolve as the task goes on.
32:37Not in Susan's case.
32:39No, no, no.
32:40It was just the throw the cards, route one.
32:42Yep.
32:43Throw the cards into the clown's mouth.
32:44Yep.
32:45How many did you get in?
32:46Was it three?
32:47How many did you get in?
32:48Actually, 12.
32:49Oh, was it 12?
32:49Yeah, 12 million.
32:50Four insanity, that's pretty good.
32:52Well, that's a disappointing start.
32:54Yeah.
32:55You would have thought no-one would be worse than that.
32:58You would have thought.
32:59Hello, Lucy.
33:01Hi.
33:01Why were you wearing two hats?
33:03I think just cos, um, they were in there.
33:06Yeah, pop them on.
33:07Fine.
33:07Perfect answer.
33:09Probably the same reason that when Susan failed, she maniacally laughed.
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14Lucy.
33:14Did you really think you could use a leaf blower to blow that card into the clown's mouth?
33:19Yeah.
33:19Yeah, she did.
33:20Cos when a blow of leaves are hurt.
33:21Into a clown's mouth.
33:22Well, I mean, they go, they go really far.
33:24They go miles.
33:25Yeah.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28So it's 12 and zero to beat.
33:30Who's next?
33:30We're going to see Sam Clownbull and Julian Clowney.
33:33Fine.
33:34Yes, here we go.
33:42I've got an idea.
33:44OK.
33:46I need some string.
33:47Am I allowed to go back into the house?
33:48Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam.
33:52If I look in the shed, might I find some elastic bands?
33:55It's a really nice shed.
33:56Do you come with me or not? Do I go on my own?
33:58That's up to you.
33:59You come with me.
34:00Great!
34:00What?
34:02Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like?
34:05I don't know what you mean.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:13Why did you do that?
34:15Just to test my thrust.
34:17How was your thrust?
34:18LAUGHTER
34:19Yeah.
34:20You've done this before.
34:30Oh, fuck!
34:31Fuck!
34:32Fuck!
34:35What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in.
34:38Oh, I see.
34:39Oh.
34:39Oh.
34:40No.
34:42Oh, I can still get it in now then.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:55That's in the clown.
34:57That's what you wanted?
34:58There's still one card not in.
35:00Erm, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
35:03You've got two minutes.
35:04I've got my own this time.
35:07OK.
35:07I'll miss you.
35:08How lucky did I get with that little bit, the lip?
35:11Really lucky, Sam.
35:13Oh, no.
35:13Oh, no.
35:13Oh, no.
35:14Oh, no.
35:16You're giving me some sort of countdown?
35:18Do you want it to be dramatic?
35:20Well, let's see how dramatic you are.
35:22You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
35:26Oh, now I've done it.
35:28Oh, well, I give up.
35:29I don't...
35:30LAUGHTER
35:30I don't mind about the last card.
35:37APPLAUSE
35:40Thanks, Sam.
35:42It's the end of the time.
35:45It's nice to go to the show with you.
35:46You're not the first.
35:49APPLAUSE
35:51Sam.
35:51My feeling was that probably when you did that successful power throw
35:56of the cards, that you ran off and you just kept running for days.
36:00Erm, incredible.
36:02It must have been quite a rush.
36:03This woman came to my school.
36:05She died, but she came back to life and she came in to tell us about it
36:09because she said she saw God and he was a giant pink crystal
36:11and that's how that felt.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:17Cheers, Sam.
36:19Julian, your system worked really well.
36:21The only question I've got really is, why did you mount the cards
36:23like two feet from the top of the rod?
36:26Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod.
36:28It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as your brush with God.
36:34To me, it was just a packet of playing cards and a rusty old clown's mouth.
36:39Yes.
36:40It didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
36:44Not at any point.
36:46No.
36:47No, so Julian still had time to get that last card, he didn't get it,
36:50which meant he got 51 in, whereas Sam got 52.
36:53The full 52 cards.
36:54That one card was the difference.
36:56We've reached the end of part three once more.
36:59The prizes today include a sellotaped leaf, a cassette tape
37:02of a national insurance number and some mouse droppings.
37:05And yet, you will still watch.
37:08You will still watch.
37:20APPLAUSE
37:24Hello.
37:26Welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:28where there's a big old clown head that still needs feeding.
37:31Oh, dear. Hungry, are you?
37:34LAUGHTER
37:36LAUGHTER
37:38No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task.
37:41The last person to launch is Sue Perkins.
37:44These are the most funnily things I could find,
37:46but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold.
37:50Right, OK.
37:52That's not going to work.
37:53Let's try and just...
37:54I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:00Yeah, I'm running out of cards, so...
38:02So, you want to plan C, is it now?
38:03Can I bring the clown nearer me?
38:05As long as you don't cross that threshold.
38:07Right.
38:07How's it going, Sue?
38:08Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
38:10Yes, would you like me to get it for you?
38:11Oh, thanks so much.
38:13Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great.
38:15You've got five minutes left.
38:16No!
38:39Take that, you hungry clown.
38:41Are there more cards?
38:43Oh!
38:49Hello, Sue.
38:51Hello.
38:51How long have I got?
38:52You've got 30 seconds.
38:55Is there another whole packet?
38:57Yeah.
38:59The classic 72.
39:00The classic 72.
39:02Is it 72?
39:06Thanks, Sue.
39:07Classic 72, mate.
39:09It's the classic 72.
39:10Added to the 87 that were there.
39:12We're talking big numbers.
39:15APPLAUSE
39:17What did you think the classic 72 was?
39:19One pack or two?
39:21I thought it was one pack.
39:22And it's just the way I said the classic 72.
39:24And I just went, 72.
39:25And then I just thought, I have just become the biggest cock on all.
39:29The plan works a treat.
39:31You've got the classic 72.
39:32Oh, don't you?
39:33I do need to show you some more stuff.
39:34Oh, there's a but, isn't there?
39:36I think we all felt there might be.
39:37It was actually a birthday card.
39:41He's excited because he's going to crush me again.
39:43Let's see what the dream crusher's got in store.
39:46That's what my children call me.
39:47OK, here we go.
39:49LAUGHTER
39:49I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
39:52Yeah, wash that hand.
39:54I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
39:59Cool!
40:15The dream crusher!
40:18That's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:20He's right.
40:21It's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:23You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit.
40:27Oh, that is.
40:28Oh, that's awful.
40:29But rules are rules, unfortunately.
40:31Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task.
40:34Wow.
40:34Oh, really?
40:3651 cards, and you would have won the task if you hadn't done anything at all.
40:39Well done.
40:40So, look at the scores.
40:42The winner so far is Sue with 15 points.
40:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:48Oh, can you please stay where you are
40:51while Alex and I make our way to the stage...
40:55..for the final task of the show!
40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:04Hello there.
41:05Who will be reading the task note?
41:06It's me.
41:07OK.
41:09Ahem.
41:12Watch Alex's parade.
41:14Ooh.
41:15Then answer the questions.
41:17Most correct answers wins.
41:21You may not make any notes during the parade.
41:25Let the parade commence.
41:26Yes.
41:27And here he comes.
41:29The furry watsit.
41:31Oh, he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit.
41:35I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy, Mandy.
41:39She was an angry lady who hated children.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:43Oh, here he comes again.
41:48Born in 1972 and found as a baby in a car park in Natwich.
41:54Alex is now dressed as a doctor.
41:56Which is ironic, as he's currently suffering from ugly hemorrhoids.
42:01Ooh.
42:03Ooh.
42:04Who's Alex?
42:05He's Alex the handyman.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:07He could fix your immersion heater or do a very workmanlike strip at a hen do.
42:14But in real life he couldn't do anything like that because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent.
42:21Ooh, who could this be?
42:23Who ordered the limp white meat?
42:27The limp white meat?
42:29No, that's just Alex the chef.
42:32He's always unappetising and when he eats he has to shut his eyes because he can only open one orifice
42:39at a time.
42:41There he is again, as a magician.
42:46Alakazam!
42:46Wow!
42:48He can literally turn any situation into a lifeless vacuum.
42:53What's his magician's name?
42:54Why?
42:55It's the mysterious bacteriosis.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:05Wow!
43:06He's got legs!
43:07Look at his legs!
43:09Look at it!
43:10Right, it's time for the parade test.
43:13You may now pick up your blackboards and pens.
43:16Question one.
43:18What three-word phrase did I use to describe Alex's chef character?
43:27Julian.
43:28Limp white meat.
43:30Lucy.
43:31Swirlen meat man.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34I don't remember telling you my stage name.
43:38Sam.
43:39A good bloke.
43:43Sue.
43:44I got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum.
43:47Yep.
43:49Susan.
43:50My mind was sort of nearly their soft white meat I got.
43:54Very close.
43:55Yeah.
43:55For no cigar.
43:58Question two.
43:58In what year was Alex born according to me?
44:05Julian.
44:061972.
44:08Lucy.
44:08He was born in 2015, our 1800s.
44:13Absolutely incredible.
44:15Sam.
44:161984.
44:18Sue.
44:191972.
44:20Susan.
44:211972.
44:33Alakazam.
44:42Alakazam.
44:44Very close, Julian.
44:46Very close.
44:47APPLAUSE
44:48Question four.
44:49What couldn't handyman Alex fix?
44:52What couldn't he fix?
44:55Julian.
44:55Big end.
44:58Who's he?
44:59His tripod.
45:02Sam.
45:03His personal wife.
45:05Exciting.
45:06Sue.
45:07Immersion heaters.
45:08Susan.
45:09Immersion heaters.
45:11And finally, question five.
45:14What was I holding when Alex took his trousers off?
45:21Julian.
45:21Rub a duck.
45:22Lucy.
45:23A penis, brackets, cock ring, Archie's triangle.
45:28Sam.
45:29The holy bible.
45:33Sue.
45:34Yeah, I guess a duck as well.
45:36Sue.
45:36A duck as well, yeah, yeah.
45:38Seriously?
45:39Yeah.
45:40It was a delicious satsuma.
45:41Oh, magic!
45:42I didn't take any of it in at all.
45:46We know.
45:49So, we'll add all of those and we'll put them on to the final scores.
45:52We'll come down there and join you.
45:54That's the duck as well.
46:01That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?
46:03Yes, I changed my clothes really fast and you produced a satsuma secretly.
46:08Yeah.
46:08Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right but still gets one point for coming fifth.
46:12So, well done.
46:13Aw, thanks.
46:14And that feels like charity.
46:15Yes.
46:16Sam, you got one right, so you get two points for coming fourth.
46:19Julian, you come third, you get three points.
46:22Sue and Susan with suspiciously similar answers.
46:25You both win the task and get five points each.
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, the winner of the episode with 20 points is Sue Perkins!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Sue Perkins wins!
46:40Please go and collect your bits of crap!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:04APPLAUSE
47:08MUSIC
47:09MUSIC
47:09MUSIC
47:09MUSIC
47:09MUSIC
47:10MUSIC
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