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00:11Whatever.
00:22If I was mom, what would my password be?
00:36Darling Daughter by Lindy McMichael Littlejohn.
00:39What if I told you I spent nine months building a jail, only to sentence myself to a lifetime
00:45in prison, that I've discovered is what motherhood actually is?
00:51From her adorable baby's face, those demonic eyes stare out, laughing at me.
00:56Yes, she's saying, I've ruined your fucking day again.
01:01Mommy, she cries, her voice a razor blade to my ears.
01:04I want her to call out for me.
01:06I want to be there for her.
01:07I want my maternal instinct to kick it.
01:09Why won't I?
01:10I dream of a life without a daughter sucking up the teat of inspiration,
01:14preventing me from being,
01:16fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
01:20Fuck, mom hates me.
01:35But I thought I'd ask you just to say,
01:41what are you doing New Year?
01:44Got your invitation?
01:47A New Year's Eve brunch for me?
01:50I mean, I'm honored, but what, what, uh, what process is?
01:55A new perspective.
01:57Oh.
01:58I'm embracing my six-inch self.
02:01And I realized, I've been kind of a jerk.
02:05Hey, the jerk is strong, given the circumstances.
02:08See, you've been nothing but kind, Richard.
02:11And I wanted you to know, I am grateful for you and your company.
02:17The course of true love never did run slow, Shakespeare.
02:21No.
02:22New Year, new me.
02:25I'm sorry.
02:26Mama, he says, it's never too late to begin again.
02:30Oh, your mom.
02:31So wise.
02:32Right?
02:33It's a new beginning.
02:34You know what else my mom said?
02:36Should we eat?
02:36It's just gonna get cold, I think.
02:38Okay.
02:39Okay.
03:01A tremendous success.
03:03Subject expanded to regular size and stabilized for two minutes and 3.3 seconds.
03:08An increase of one minute and 32.7 seconds.
03:11A huge science progress.
03:13Yes!
03:14Yeah!
03:15Oh!
03:16Oh!
03:16Oh!
03:17Oh!
03:17Well done.
03:17Oh, great job.
03:18Yes, well done.
03:18Great job!
03:19Well done.
03:19Yeah, slowing the reaction down.
03:21Way, way down.
03:21Help them.
03:22Yes, the nuclei need time, which is acceptable.
03:25Yes.
03:25To form stronger bonds.
03:27Yes, and it's fundamental to, yes, for those fragile to cement those connections.
03:32Or alliances.
03:33Yes, yes, yes, yeah.
03:35Are we talking about science?
03:37Yes, Hilton.
03:38We're always talking about science.
03:40This is a lab of science.
03:42Okay, well, I heard a bang and then there was like a chill release, so my mind went there.
03:45Where's my head?
03:46Is there good news?
03:47It was a big win, yes.
03:48Slowing the expansion of the corn mitigated the molecular disequilibrium, yes.
03:54Translation, it's remarkable progress.
03:56Fuck yeah.
03:57We should celebrate.
03:58I'm having a New Year's Eve shing dig tonight at my place.
04:01It's gonna be amazing food, crazy guest list, and you are all invited.
04:05Wait, it's New Year's Eve?
04:06Uh, I can't go, uh, it's my anniversary.
04:09Oh, just bring Lindy.
04:11It would be great to see her again.
04:12Well, well, uh, I only organize fantastic parties.
04:18You gotta come.
04:20Done.
04:20Set.
04:20Happy.
04:21See you all there.
04:26Translation, see you all there means less only, and you can't say no.
04:35Do you think you'll bring Lindy?
04:36Um, I don't know.
04:38I mean, I, it's, uh, I don't know.
04:42Hey, I've done a lot of thinking, and I'm embracing my six-inch self.
04:47So, New Year, new me.
04:49I forgive you for shrinking me on purpose.
04:51Meet me in the dollhouse.
04:52I have an anniversary surprise for you.
05:00Oh, the missus, she left.
05:03Was she mad?
05:04She had two glasses of wine and left.
05:07Oh, she was mad.
05:08Maybe disappointed.
05:09That's worse, isn't it?
05:12Happy New Year.
05:15Charlie, what's happening?
05:21He shouldn't be alone right now.
05:23Let him go.
05:24Oh, yes.
05:26Hi.
05:31Hey Lindy.
05:33Hey, left.
05:35Happy anniversary.
05:38It's okay, you lay into me.
05:39I, I deserve it.
05:41You do.
05:45But I understand.
05:49You do?
05:49You're caught up in your work.
05:51And when you're in it, you can lose track of birthdays, holidays.
05:56I know I do.
05:57Did.
05:59You supported me in the way I needed it.
06:02So, I'm supporting you.
06:08Okay.
06:09So, I was mad.
06:13I mean, I was alone in a restaurant on New Year's Eve.
06:19But then I came home and I got cozy.
06:22And I was going to watch the ball drop with Lulu, but she won't come out of her room.
06:25Probably something to do with Steffi.
06:27And so, I opened up a bottle of your do not touch until never wine.
06:33And now I feel better.
06:37I love you.
06:45I love you too.
06:49Feel free to apologize profusely.
06:51And maybe next time bring me those chocolates I like from the drugstore.
06:54I am sorry and I apologize profusely for disappointing you and for forgetting our anniversary.
07:15It's like the big box.
07:16Yeah.
07:18Happy anniversary.
07:20Happy anniversary.
07:22All right.
07:23Well, it's forgiven.
07:27I think you dropped this.
07:29Fuck you!
07:31Are you top dancing?
07:33No!
07:33Fuck you!
07:35Hey, hey, I think this is not far enough!
07:38You know what, Richard?
07:40I think you're right.
07:48Hold on.
07:54This is not good.
07:55Oh, you're saying?
07:56You're saying?
07:57I can't believe you did this on purpose.
07:59On purpose?
08:00Why would you do that?
08:01Richard, hey, hey, hey.
08:02This is not about you.
08:03Where's my mom?
08:06Help!
08:07Richard!
08:08Let's do this.
08:09We gotta talk about this.
08:10Let's please.
08:11No man could have resisted the siren song of that woman.
08:15The beguiling webs she weaved.
08:16The hypnotic allure of that brunch.
08:19She deceived me.
08:20She deceived both of us.
08:21No.
08:23You deceived me, Richard, for six and a half months.
08:27We share thoughts.
08:29We share science.
08:30We do not share.
08:31My wife.
08:32Les, I'm sorry.
08:33Nothing that happens between us.
08:34I see.
08:35Okay, you're squeezing kind of tightly.
08:38Les.
08:39Please.
08:41Where are we going?
08:43Les, no, no, no, no, no.
08:44No, no, no.
08:45Hello, Dolores.
08:46Les, please.
08:47Les.
08:47No.
08:48Les, please.
08:49Les, please.
08:49Please, Les.
08:50Les.
08:51Les, no.
08:51No, please.
08:52Les.
08:53Les, no, no, no, no.
08:59Please.
09:02Oh, please.
09:03Stop.
09:04My life, I'm going to throw off this head.
09:10Please.
09:11In the name of science.
09:12How dare you blaspheme science.
09:15On top of everything else.
09:16No, no, no.
09:18You're not playmate.
09:19Bloody bird.
09:20His name is fuck you.
09:22I want to play with the bird.
09:23I want to play with the bird.
09:31It's, uh, Dolores, right?
09:36Good thing.
09:37Good birdie.
09:42The pet is the pet.
09:43I'm truly minor than the sword.
09:46Oh, my God!
09:48I'm not sure.
09:50I'm hiding.
09:57I'm hiding.
09:58Shit.
10:04What is he jumping?
10:14What is that?
10:16Shut the fuck up, space anus.
10:26Live in darkness.
10:52Richard?
10:55Richard?
10:56Ritchie!
11:09Richard?
11:13Ritchie?
11:20Ritchie?
11:26Ritchie?
11:29Ritchie?
11:30Ritchie?
11:30Ritchie?
11:31Where are you?
11:33Ritchie?
11:34Ritchie?
11:34I'm sorry.
11:36I know this is all my fault.
11:39Oh fuck.
11:41That is a lot of texts.
11:44Wait.
11:48What?
11:51Oh, my God.
11:53What is she?
11:56Good morning. We recently featured Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lindy Littlejohn on the
12:01Read with Jenna segment of our show. We've learned Lindy's been accused of plagiarizing her recently
12:06published New Yorker short story, Untitled, on Purpose. The shocking allegation originated from
12:11an unexpected and personal place, a viral TikTok video posted by the author's own daughter,
12:17Louise Littlejohn. So my mom is a, quote, successful writer, unquote. She wrote,
12:24one book, 150 years ago. Anyway, this week, out of nowhere, mom drops a short story in the New
12:31Yorker and everyone loses their shit over it. Well, I'm going to let you in on a big secret.
12:38My mom didn't write it. She stole it from one of her students. What? The actual fuck? My mom doesn't
12:45even write anymore. She spends her days watching Housewives and making fake Paris Review accounts
12:50so she can shit-talk other writers. We were unable to reach Lindy Littlejohn directly for comment,
12:56but we were able to reach the author's mother, Diane McMichael Jones, who is widely suspected to
13:01have inspired the mother character in her daughter's Pulitzer Prize-winning debut novel,
13:06My Rainbow Starts With Black. No, I have no comment. Except to say, I haven't read Lindy's little
13:15story. But I will say, I didn't care for her portrayal of the mother character in her novel.
13:20The real crime is that Lindy made me out to be a terrible mother, which I'm not.
13:27What a wild, unexpected turn for Lindy Littlejohn. We'll continue to follow this story and keep
13:32you updated as it develops.
13:37I'm going to let you in on a big secret. My mom didn't write it. She stole it from one
13:44of her
13:45students. The truth is, my mom doesn't even write anymore. She spends her days watching Housewives
13:50and making fake Paris Review accounts so she can shit-talk other writers.
13:55Oh, sorry. I didn't hear my name.
13:57I didn't call it. I wanted to bring it to you personally.
13:59Oh. Okay. Thank you.
14:03I also have a complicated relationship with my mother. Here. The cake pop. On me. I hope
14:09you like vanilla.
14:12Thank you, St. Lulu de Lulu.
14:44Okay.
15:05Here's to us.
15:05I thought you were bringing in us.
15:07Fuck that us.
15:08New year, new less.
15:09Wow.
15:10Who knew?
15:11Hey!
15:12No Lindy tonight?
15:14No, no.
15:14She's at home under a blanket.
15:15She had not in the party.
15:16Oh, well, I can't say I blame her.
15:19That interview turned into quite the Greek tragedy.
15:22But you can tell me.
15:23I won't tell anyone other than everyone.
15:27You should do it.
15:28Plagiarize the story.
15:29Oh, I don't know.
15:31What?
15:31I don't know.
15:32Right answer.
15:33Deny, deny, deny.
15:35All set for tonight?
15:36Everything is in place.
15:37Great.
15:37Oh, general.
15:40Never word.
15:40Oh, of course.
15:42Looking forward to the party trick.
15:44Party trick.
15:45What?
15:45A performance.
15:46There are several important private equity investors here that Hilton would love to impress
15:50with a preview of your tech.
15:52Absolutely not.
15:53I am a scientist.
15:55I'm not a party clown.
15:56You know the tech is incomplete.
15:58What am I supposed to do?
15:58Fake it?
15:59No.
16:00It's just a preview.
16:01Short and sweet.
16:02The corn is small.
16:04Ta-da.
16:04The corn is big.
16:05Ta-da.
16:06End of story.
16:07It's fraud.
16:08It's sales.
16:08It's my ass in prison is what it is.
16:11I've already got a journalist poking around the lab asking questions about Bob the Explainer's
16:15medbot brother-in-law.
16:16What's to stop Niels exposing me?
16:18Let me worry about Niels and your ass.
16:22It is one worth saving.
16:24Tonight, the only thing on your mind should be...
16:28Nobel.
16:29Nobel?
16:31Nobel.
16:36Do you see what I say?
16:42It's Dr. Emil Schofhausen.
16:44Nobel Prize recipient and current committee member.
16:47Chair, in fact.
16:49I did my postgraduate work on Dr. Schofhausen's theory of entanglement swapping.
16:52He is a bona fide science genius.
16:55Yes, yes, yes.
16:56Just imagine what the support of a man like that would do for your crew.
16:59Oh, it's just a preview.
17:02Short and sweet.
17:04Small and big.
17:08Ta-da.
17:23Hey, why are you here?
17:25Why are any of us here?
17:26Oh, God.
17:27Is this where we are?
17:28Well, everyone else is down the hall getting drunk as hell watching the tourists in Times Square
17:32freeze their asses off.
17:33We're doing a shot every time a police force takes a dump.
17:37I need something different in my life.
17:44What's this?
17:45Something different.
17:52Did you open this?
17:53No.
17:54Yes.
17:54It's my job.
17:55My eyes than yours.
17:56Yes.
17:58It's my job.
17:58My eyes than yours.
18:09Oh, fuck.
18:10What do I do?
18:12Oh, it's him.
18:14I know it.
18:14You answer it.
18:15You answer it.
18:16It's your job.
18:18I'm actually off the clock, so you answer it.
18:21Fuck.
18:22Fuck.
18:27Hello, this is Terry.
18:29Yeah, it's me.
18:30It's Lindy.
18:31Oh, I'm not missing a shit show.
18:32Your phone is off.
18:34For just this reason.
18:36You're hiding from me because you failed me.
18:39No, no, no, no, no.
18:41You failed me.
18:42What happened to do nothing, say nothing?
18:45You don't understand.
18:46I am so small.
18:48I needed something.
18:53Well, you're about to get smaller.
18:56Lindy, the damage has been done.
18:58The Pulitzer Committee is meeting and there's talk of rescinding your award.
19:01No.
19:02No, not really.
19:03No, they can't.
19:04They can, and they most likely will.
19:08But, but why am I without it?
19:14A former client.
19:17Terry.
19:19Brutal, but warranted.
19:21Lindy, I tried.
19:22I really tried.
19:23But I'm somehow still clean in this, this, this.
19:25Shitstorm.
19:26Shit sandwich.
19:26Shit needle.
19:27Shit nado.
19:29I warned you, Lindy, and you chose Jenna over me.
19:32Over our friendship.
19:34Our partnership.
19:36I can't believe I'm saying this, but I, I...
19:45I'm officially cutting ties with you.
19:48Terry.
19:50Please, no.
19:52Please don't leave me.
19:53I, I have no one.
19:55I am totally alone here.
19:57I, I, my...
19:58My own mother.
19:59My daughter.
20:00My husband.
20:01Les fucking hates me.
20:02It is truly over between us now.
20:06And I can't lose you too.
20:10I'm sorry it's come to this.
20:24Hey, you had to.
20:25I know it's hard.
20:26I'll miss her too.
20:28Oh, um, Miss Oldham.
20:30Happy New Year.
20:30Nothing happy.
20:31Nothing new.
20:32Why did you offer a Jackie Baldwin, a six-figure book deal, when I've seen no Jackie, no book,
20:37no email, no proposal?
20:38Sid, she has the next big thing out.
20:41Well, you better hope so.
20:42No Lindy, no Jackie, no imprint.
20:47Love the top.
20:50Paper trail.
20:51You're unclean.
20:52So are you.
20:55Farrah.
21:12Now, I need a volunteer.
21:20Sir.
21:35That's fantastic.
21:37That's wonderful.
21:39Corn has been miniaturized into what appears to be one-tenth its original size.
21:46One-twelfth, to be precise.
21:48And now.
22:15Two-minute warning.
22:19Dr. Littlejohn.
22:20It's been an explosive evening.
22:26Quick, corn.
22:27Go.
22:33Here we are.
22:34I was just saying to, um, Dr. Schofhausen, who was expecting an explosion.
22:38How clever it was that we mitigated the explosion by storing the exothermally generated energy on a subatomic level.
22:44Yes, it was an explosive discovery.
22:51To an explosive new year.
23:07Hit rock bottom.
23:12It's all fucking gone.
23:17What is the point?
23:28Richie, you're alive.
23:30Oh, my God.
23:31No, no, no, no.
23:32You disgust me.
23:34I'm me and I'm disgusted.
23:37It consumes me.
23:38My heart, my mind, my soul.
23:41Everything hurts.
23:42Richie.
23:43Oh, God.
23:44I'm so sorry.
23:45But I...
23:45But.
23:46Well, but...
23:47But.
23:49A true apology should never include a qualifier.
23:53You're right.
23:55I'm sorry.
23:56No, but.
23:57What I did was inexcusable.
24:01I had no idea Les was going to react like that.
24:03I didn't think it through.
24:04I...
24:05I suppose a reaction of that magnitude couldn't have been predicted.
24:09I...
24:09I need you.
24:12Now more than ever, you have no idea what has happened to me.
24:17What happened to you?
24:19Yeah, the...
24:21I have the floor.
24:23Okay.
24:23I'm going to finish my monologue.
24:25Of course.
24:27I was forced to do unspeakable things to one of God's beloved creatures.
24:31I was coerced into abandoning my moral code and playing a part in your marital folly.
24:38But I am not above reproach.
24:41I am guilty on two counts.
24:43One in the name of love and the other in the name of science.
24:48I believe in Les.
24:50I believe he'll solve the restoration formula before his 30-day deadline.
24:55And I will beg him to forgive me.
25:00Then I will throw myself at the mercy of science in the hopes of being restored to my regular size.
25:10Did you say 30-day deadline?
25:14That is what you are?
25:15No, no.
25:16I heard it.
25:17I heard it all.
25:18The folly and the...
25:20Les and the...
25:21But...
25:22But...
25:22But...
25:24But...
25:26According to the contract, Les has 30 days.
25:29The sold the formula or he's fired and the tech reverts to Hilton.
25:33He has 22 days left.
25:38He only ever had 30 days.
25:41And now he only has...
25:4222.
25:43Oh my God.
25:44Oh, it's closer to 21, actually.
25:47Another fucking lie!
25:49Oh my golly.
25:51Right?
25:51No.
25:52Wait, where are you going?
25:53I need space from you.
25:56Okay, but...
25:57I'm getting my own place.
26:04Fucking less.
26:06He is gonna pay for this.
26:13What kind of monster makes a horrible TikTok video about their own mother?
26:17You are a spoiled child and a lying liar.
26:20Ooh!
26:20Mommy mad?
26:22If you thought that was crazy, wait until you hear DJ Todd's remake!
26:32The mic drop!
26:33Fire drop!
26:34Fire drop!
26:35Fire drop!
26:36Fire!
26:36Fire!
26:37Fire!
26:37Fire!
26:37Fire!
26:38Fire!
26:57Who are you?
26:59What?
26:59Who are you?
27:01I don't recognize you.
27:03I'm Saint Lulu DeLulu.
27:05You gotta have that right.
27:07Hey, I read the book.
27:08How fucking Lindy was my move?
27:11Very.
27:11See?
27:13I think you missed the point.
27:15That was the point.
27:18Want another drink?
27:20Sure, boss.
27:20Me too.
27:22Face yourself to Lulu.
27:33Can I fucking help you?
27:34I don't want your help.
27:37Wow, judgment from the shirtless wonder.
27:39She's your mom.
27:40She's a liar.
27:42You'll regret it.
27:43Fuck that.
27:45I am her literal regret.
27:48You sure are living up to that title, aren't you?
28:10You good?
28:12I'm peeing.
28:15You're scrolling.
28:18Fuck off, Tarzan.
28:20No one made you come here.
28:21My bladder made me come here.
28:23You think you're so clever.
28:25I know you came here tonight to see me.
28:27Yes, this is the guy who followed me into the bathroom.
28:31What if I did, is that for I knew?
28:34A little.
28:37Did you buy that?
28:39I kind of wanted to.
28:40Is that bad?
28:43Kind of.
28:45She kind of liked it.
28:47You did.
28:49You followed me in here.
28:52Busted.
28:59Lindy.
29:02Lindy.
29:03Guess who's getting his big prize?
29:13This is an open bottle, but not to be open, never.
29:17Me.
29:20Oh, that's Richard.
29:23Richard?
29:25Doors?
29:26Richard?
29:27Oh, God.
29:28Oh, God.
29:30Oh.
29:31Is that blood?
29:33Who's blood?
29:35Is that human flesh?
29:37Oh, God.
29:38Richard?
29:39Richard?
29:41Richard, I'm sorry.
29:44I'm sorry.
29:46Richard?
29:47I was angry, and I was hurt, and I thought a few pecs would even the score.
29:52Richard?
29:56Richard?
29:58Please.
29:59Please, Richard.
30:00Reveal yourself.
30:05Linda?
30:16Linda?
30:17Linda?
30:18Linda?
30:19One, two, one, two, one.
30:30I want to kill the man.
30:32The man of science sold us.
30:44Are you anonymous?
30:46That is the only way this works.
30:54Okay.
30:57I'm not used to the Hulk-looking-tagger routine.
30:59I'm not scientific American.
31:01Do you know who I am?
31:03Yeah, you're...
31:05Anonymous.
31:07You passed.
31:09Drive.
31:18Who were her?
31:24Richard!
31:26Janet!
31:27Happy New Year!
31:28Happy New Year to you, too.
31:30Oh, what happened to your head?
31:32Oh, I just...
31:33I had an altercation with a bird.
31:36On the farm?
31:37Yeah, something like that.
31:39So, listen, I just wanted to say thank you for the quill pen.
31:44It, um, saved my life.
31:46Well, the pen is minier than the sword.
31:49I can attest to that.
31:51Where are you?
31:52I'm at the lab in the creepy basement, uh, here to reboot the, uh, thermal energy tank.
32:00You drew the short straw again?
32:02Mm-hmm.
32:03Bob should have stepped up.
32:05Oh, yeah, it's, it's okay.
32:06I was, um, I was out anyway.
32:08Oh?
32:09You on a date?
32:10No, no.
32:12I was, um, it was a work event.
32:14You wouldn't guess where.
32:16Tell me everything.
32:18It was at Hilton's Mansion.
32:20He invited all of us.
32:21Me and the boss.
32:22Well, not the boss.
32:51No, not the boss.
33:19Happy New Year, lad!
33:32Oh, where's Richard?
33:34Who knows?
33:36Weren't you the last one to see him?
33:38How's the formula coming, huh?
33:40What, have you got 22 days left or is it technically 21 now?
33:44Lindy!
33:45Either way, I bet you're so close!
33:49Make that the epitaph of my tiny headstone fucker.
33:52I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to worry you.
33:55And I'm not worried.
33:57I've accepted.
33:59You can't solve the formula.
34:01I will solve the formula.
34:02Fuck you, you lie even to yourself.
34:05I've made peace with being six inches tall.
34:08I even kind of like it.
34:10And I plan to make the next 21 days of your life a living hell.
34:15What?
34:16Why?
34:16Careful, sweetie.
34:18Your ass is on fire.
34:31Oh, god.
34:33I've created a tiny monster.
34:39Oh, oh no.
34:46Stars have claimed one of their own.
34:52It's been an honor, space colonel.
35:06Oh, oh.
35:12What the fuck?
35:16I'll see your tiny cat, Dr. Little John.
35:20Oh, oh!
35:20And raise you a tiny silenced reporter.
35:26Oh!
35:28Ta.
35:30Ta.
35:33Ta.
35:34Ta.
35:34Ta.
35:36Ta.
35:36Ta.
35:36Ta.