00:00the main thing at the forefront of my mind was my dad you know my toxic relationship with my dad
00:04i'm making my mom cry a lot so this was like a this was like an escapism for me and
00:08it obviously
00:08it turns out that it wasn't a healthy escapism and it was very traumatic but after it then
00:14progressed into so he would make me give him and he would give me as a child he actually
00:22would perform on himself i've never seen it before and i've never seen it afterwards i've
00:27never seen in 30 years i've never seen what i saw him do he would literally like basically lean on
00:31his back and somehow he had the flexibility to perform it on himself like it was mad there was
00:36one time then he then tried to progress into like full blown essentially where he again we were
00:43upstairs and we had two single beds he attempted to push it in my behind or whatever i remember the
00:50pain being so severe i kind of jumped out my skin like when he went in or whatever and i
00:55remember
00:56running we had this bathroom just next to the my bedroom the pain was severe but mentally i don't
01:01know this is wrong and this is and this is that this is like the key part here because i'm
01:04so young
01:05i think it probably continued up until about 10 at that age 13 14 15 you're not thinking about trauma
01:10how these things affect you bearing in mind we come from a generation where mental health wasn't
01:15really spoken about until like kind of really recently so you kind of just had to deal with these
01:19things you know i grew up on the mentality of men don't cry i encourage men to be emotional men
01:23should cry talk about your problems all these things i encourage it i love it
01:27you
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